Vacation's All I Ever Wanted...

Hey readers, I actually took a week-long vacation where I had no access to the internet, Facebook or my cell phone. It actually felt great to have nothing to tie me down - just like the old days when we actually lived life without having to document it as it happens.

That being said, I'm back and I hope to fill these pages with more silly nonsense about the things I just can't get enough of. Thanks for hanging in there...and happy March!

Jane Russell 1921-2011

Kenneth Mars 1936-2011

Having just watched (for Valentine's Day) SOMEONE I TOUCHED, an intentionally hysterical 1975 TV-movie starring Cloris Leachman and Mr. Mars in a drama about venereal disease, it seems extra sad to report his death today.

Karen Valentine's Day

Celebrate VALENTINE'S DAY with Karen and a post from 2009.

When I was a kid, Friday nights were one of my favorite nights of television. THE BRADY BUNCH, THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY, THE ODD COUPLE and LOVE, AMERICAN STYLE were all among my favorite shows. But somewhere in the middle of the night lurked the black hole known as ROOM 222.

The thing about ROOM 222 was that it was supposed to be a comedy (the first episode even had a laughtrack) - but it wasn't funny. In fact, it was depressing. Who wanted to watch a show about an inner-city high school on a Friday night???

I recently tried watching an episode to see if the show was any funnier or less depressing. Guess what? No, it wasn't.

The main focus of the show was the American history class held in Room 222 of Walt Whitman High School in Los Angeles, CA. The class was taught by Pete Dixon (Lloyd Haynes), a preachy and idealistic teacher. Pete's patient girlfriend Liz McIntyre (Denise Nicholas) was the guidance counselor. Principal Kaufman (Michael Constantine) and sweet student-teacher Alice Johnson (Karen Valentine) rounded out the cast.

Lovely Valentine later starred as Gidget in the TV film GIDGET GROWS UP, and in her own short-lived series KAREN (1975).

Karen also guest-starred on many series, including LOVE, AMERICAN STYLE and LOVE BOAT.

ROOM 222 aired on ABC from September 17, 1969 to January 11, 1974, for 112 episodes and won a bunch of Emmy Awards. The show featured appearances by many actors who went on to become stars, including Bernie Kopell, Cindy Williams, Teri Garr, Jamie Farr, Rob Reiner, Anthony Geary, Richard Dreyfuss, Kurt Russell, Mark Hamill and the late Bruno Kirby.

The melancholy theme song was by film composer Jerry Goldsmith. Here it is to depress us all...

THE MANITOU

Here's a treat that I originally posted back in spring 2008.

THE MANITOU (1978), based on the novel by Graham Masterton, is your basic 1970s medical drama with horror elements, sort of like MARCUS WELBY, M.D. meets THE NIGHT GALLERY. It 's also cinematic tour of the entire San Francisco Bay Area! It concerns a pretty, single cable car-riding city gal named Karen (played by Susan Strasberg, daughter of acting guru Lee) who discovers a strange unexplainable growth on her upper back. After 3 days, her doctors decide it's a quickly growing tumor and decide to operate.

Luckily Karen had a muumuu-wearing phoney fortune teller friend named Harry (played by Tony Curtis who was clearly channelling Paul Lynde because he's playing the gayest banger-of-Susan-Strasberg ever), who after several attempts at giving her a "good" tarot card-reading decides that this growth may be worrisome. Later, an elderly client of Harry's becomes possessed and begins to mumble in strange languages after he deals her the "death" card - and then the old woman levitates and floats down the hallway, killing herself by falling down a flight of stairs, taking the entire wooden railing with her, section by section. This is the best scene in the film.















Meanwhile, at the Sisters of Jerusalem Hospital, Dr. Hughes attempts to remove her growth - but the surgery is called short when something forces him to cut his own hand with a scalpel. When Harry goes to visit Dr. Hughes in his futuristic office (he has a NASA-sized computer...and a red "bat-phone"!), he discovers that her growth might actually be a fetus(!) growing on the back of her neck. How did it get there? I guess maybe all that oral sex she's been having could be to blame?

Harry then decides to seek help from another psychic, so he travels down to Fisherman's Wharf to meet Amelia Crusoe (played by the usually slutty Stella Stevens - apparently in some sort of Gypsy makeup, and bordering on blackface) and her fat, bearded husband. They invite a fat, VERY fat Ann Sothern over for a séance and things only get weirder, as chandeliers start to twirl and a creepy rubber head rises out of a the center of table - and it all ends with a bolt of lightning!

Back at the hospital, Karen`s tumor continues to grow at an alarming rate, causing Harry and company to trek even further North, over the Golden Gate bridge to Sausalito - where cantankerous Dr. Snow (Burgess Meredith, aka The Penguin) resides. Snow takes the crew into his dusty attic to show them his spiderweb collection. Here The Penguin tells Harry that he thinks Karen's problem is that she has a 400 year old Native American medicine man growing on her back - and he wants revenge!!! Better get Commishoner Gordon on that bat-phone, Dr. Hughes.

Next, Harry travels all the way to South Dakota - wearing what looks like bare-ass jeans - to find John Singing Rock (played by Barbara Eden's ex-husband Michael Ansara), one of the last remaining indian medicine men, who as it turns out, has the power to send the Indian Spirit back to where he came. But will the tumor man take over Karen completely before Rock can send him back to demon land?

So Harry and Rock head back to the Bay Area where Rock sizes up the situation. He unwraps his bag of tricks and decides to induce birth. Before you know it, Karen goes into labor, soon giving back birth to a naked brown-skinned dwarf with an Alanis Morrissette face and a buff gym body (played Felix Silla from BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY) named Misquamacas or Miss Kwamacas.

The demon dwarf manages to kill an intern and break the mystic protective circle around the bed that Rock has made, and scares everybody by turning into a ridiculous-looking double exposed lizard. Then he goes all Mister Freeze and manages to create a wicked Winter Wonderland inside the hospital - even freezing the recptionist/nurse solid. So solid, that her pretty little head just snaps off. Miss Kwamacas then brings the dead orderly back to life to use as a weapon - to battle his lookalike!

In a big finale that has to be seen to be believed -Karen's hospital room then is transported into space! Karen sits up in bed wearing a giant Dottie West wig, topless (you can practically hear her dad Lee turning over in his grave!) and blasting lightning bolts and shooting electricity from her fingertips. For like 8 minutes. While Harry and the Rock duck and cover from the blasts. Over and over again. For the aforementioned 8 minutes.

Somehow the combination of Dr. Hughes and the Rock decide that Miss Kwamacas can only be defeated by turning on every computer in the hospital at the same time - causing a power surge and freeing Karen from his grasp. And it works! But not before Dr. Hughes explodes. Yes, he explodes. Much like your brain if you try to figure out this plot - which it turns out is based, not only on a novel, but also on a true story. Huh???









































From the same director of ABBY, William Girdler, who tragically died after completing this film. Imagine the great films he would have made!!! THE MANITOU gets a 7 outta 10 on the "Huh?" scale.

Betty Garrett 1919-2011

MANDINGO

MANDINGO is one of the "forbidden films" that I've always heard about, but kinda sorta avoided because I knew it would be an unsetting experience. I recently bought a copy at Marshall's (of all the places) for $3.99 (you can't beat that price!) and decided it was time to face my fears and watch the damn thing. WARNING: This review contains full frontal nudity and junk fondling.

First some back story. MANDINGO (1975) was adapted from a 1957 novel by Kyle Onstott. It was Appalling! Terrifying! And Wonderful?

It was directed by Richard Fleischer (son of animation legend Max Fleisher), known for such mainstream hits as Disney's 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA (1954), FANTASTIC VOYAGE (1966), DOCTOR DOOLITTLE (1967) and SOYLENT GREEN (1973). He later directed the Neil Diamond version of THE JAZZ SINGER (1980). What a diverse career!

MANDINGO was produced by the recently-deceased Dino DeLaurentiis and released - remarkably - by Paramount Pictures! It was rated R.

The film stars English actors James Mason, Paul Benedict (Mr. Bentley from THE JEFFERSONS) and Susan George, up-and-comers Perry King, Brenda Sykes and professional boxer Ken Norton in his first acting role.

Set in the Antebellum period in the deep South on a plantation named Falconhurst. The manor that has seen much better days, here we meet slave-trader Warren Maxwell (Mason), his handsome young son Hammond (King) and an assortment of their friends and slaves.

This being Black History Month, I'm not sure this was a good viewing choice, because right off the bat, I don't think I've ever heard the "N word" uttered so many times by white actors. This makes me extremely uncomfortable, but I try to keep it within it's historical perspective.

Brutal scenes of whipping, torture and abuse of slaves is juxtaposed with the with the lifestyles of the white and

privledged. James Mason's character even uses a young slave boy as a footrest to draw out the rheumatism from his sore feet. It's painful to watch. Then, when a young slave woman "goes into heat", it's up to her "master" Hammond to take her virginity.

Perry King goes full frontal in this scene. Something you usually don't expect from a leading man in a historical drama from a major studio.

Well it was the 1970s after all, and the MPAA was a lot more liberal back then when it came to nudity. Reference 14-year old Jodie Foster topless in the PG-rated THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE. Today, the Parent's Council would declare it "child pornography". Back in the 70s, it was just a movie.

Getting back to MANDINGO...we now meet Ken Norton's character, Mede - he's a "Mandingo" slave who is being auctioned off to the highest bidder.

Mede gets his junk fondled by a perspective buyer. She's from Germany after all.

But Hammond is the winner of the auction, and Mede's new owner. Have I mentioned how HOT Ken Norton is?

Hammond sees Mede's purchase an an opportunity to turn the hunky slave into a champion fighter.

Back at Falconhurt, Hammond is now married to a woman named Blanche (Susan George), but he doesn't know what to do with a white woman in bed since he's only had sex with "wenches." He's disappointed to discover that she is not a virgin.

So then Hammond the gets HIS junked fondled by a whore in a surprisingly graphic fashion.

And then he winds up in bed with a sweet and sexy slave girl named Ellen (Brenda Sykes).

Insanely jealous Blanche is none to happy about this and gives Ellen a piece of her evil mind.

Additionally, Blanche concocts a plot to get back at her loveless husband by seducing Mede and telling Hammomd that he raped her.

Mede tries to resist out of loyalty for his master, but Blanche threatens to cry rape even if he doesn't bed her. What a bitch!

So he does it.

The big fight that Mede has been training for happens, and Hammond is pleased with the outcome, he purchases some jewelry to bring back home. But in the biggest Faux Pas south of the Mason-Dixon line, he gives earrings to Ellen.

 But he gives the matching necklace to his wife Blanche. Blanche is not pleased - but she is pregnant! And so is Ellen!

I'm not gonna give it away - but one baby lives and the other one...not so much.

As for Mede, let's just say there is not a happy ending to this sordid soap opera about lust between the races. 

In conclusion, I am glad I finally watched MANDINGO, though I felt real dirty doing so. I'm not sure why it even was made. It's like Dino DeLaurentiis said (in his Italian accent)  "Let's a take the GONE WITH THE WIND and the Blaxsploitation movies and a throw in a some of that soft-corn porn over there and let's a sell it to Paramount, okay?" 

If they were going for the story of how horrible human beings can be to each other, I guess they did a commendable good job. Perry King's character is supposed to be the "hero" of the story, but yet he says and does such ghastly things because, I assume, that's how white people acted towards people of color in those days. When I watch movies like this I always wonder what the actors were thinking. Not only people like James Mason, but all the actors who played the slaves. Did they just think of it as a paycheck or did they think they were participating in an accurate portrayal of American history as it really happened?

As a film, I'd give it a 6 outta 10 - mostly because of Susan George's over-the-top performance as Blanche. But as a slice of pop culture history I gotta admit it's pretty far out there. So, if you dare to sit through some pretty squeamish stuff to see Perry King get a reach-around through his knickers and James Mason as one of the most despicable characters ever captured on film, I say go for it. $3.99 at Marshalls.

The Number One Fact of Life...

Anonymous has left a new comment

I just love getting reader feedback on my blog posts. I really love when the feedback is for something I posted over a year ago - which tells me that people actually look at older posts! Who knew?

We'll, today I got an interesting little message from somebody named "Anonymous" that I'd like to share with my readers. This comment is in response to a post I made on September 29, 2009 on the controversial topic of celebrity record albums called "When TV Stars Sing".

Here is the lovely message from Anonymous:

"You ruin your blog with hateful comments, but what else is new? Yet another leftie spewing stereotypical rhetoric, ie, all Republicans are nut jobs. The second such comment I've read from you, so I'll just leave your blog.

For the record, I am an independent, so I think you are all "nut jobs" in a moronic civil war. But you have to interject your immaturity into a blog that should be free of politics and religion. Wouldn't it bother you if a cool blog about classic stuff randomly called homosexuals (or blacks) hateful names? Or do you think that's fine, that everybody should be disrespectful?

You partisan political boneheads have ruined civility on this planet. I'll bet you probably think you are a peaceful, good person. But you have the same hate in your heart as terrorists. Aren't you proud?"

Normally when I get messages like this (about one a year), I ignore it. But today, after learning about the death of the legendary goddess Tura Satana - I feel I have to respond somehow. Kinda like the angry drag queens who started the Stonewall Riots on the night Judy Garland died, but with a lot less makeup, feathers and glitter.

Okay, let's dissect Anonymous' claims:

"You ruin your blog with hateful comments, but what else is new? "

Well, there's lots new. New York.  New Kids on the Block. New Zoo Revue. I for one, do not think my blog is "ruined" - it's my damn blog and it's my damn opinions. My so-called hateful comments are in response to other people's bigotry and intolerance. In the case of Buddy Ebsen - he was a not a nice person. His negative campaign against co-star Nancy Kulp has been well documented, and it cost her an election.

"Yet another leftie spewing stereotypical rhetoric, ie, all Republicans are nut jobs."

I don't recall ever saying all Republicans are nutjobs. Not ALL Republicans are nutjobs - but a lot are. So are some Democrats. And liberals. And independents. And people without a sense of humor.

"The second such comment I've read from you, so I'll just leave your blog."

Well, thanks for visiting.

"For the record, I am an independent, so I think you are all "nut jobs" in a moronic civil war."

Glad you cleared that up.

"But you have to interject your immaturity into a blog that should be free of politics and religion. "

Religion & politics are a part of pop culture, always have been, honey. My immaturity is part of my charm. :)

"Wouldn't it bother you if a cool blog about classic stuff randomly called homosexuals (or blacks) hateful names?" 

I'm sure a blog like that exists. It wouldn't bother me because I wouldn't visit it, just like I don't get my news from FOX. The difference here is political affiliation is a conscious CHOICE that someone makes based on their views. Sexual orientation and race are not. Besides "nutjob" isn't hateful - it's fucking funny!

"Or do you think that's fine, that everybody should be disrespectful?"

There is difference between "free speech" and "hate speech". If I said that people should go out and kill Buddy Ebsen's family and deface his grave with feces - that would be disrespectful.

"You partisan political boneheads have ruined civility on this planet."

Civility is still alive. Is calling someone a "bonehead" civil?

"I'll bet you probably think you are a peaceful, good person."

I know I am, bitch.

"But you have the same hate in your heart as terrorists."

Yes, because calling Buddy Ebsen a nutjob is the same as crashing a plane into the Twin Towers.

"Aren't you proud?" 

Oh I'm very proud. Proud that I have 8000 visitors per week who enjoy my blog for what it is - a reflection of the things I like and want to share with like-minded people, not Anonymous visitors who get all bent out of shape because I call Buddy Ebsen a nutjob.

Tura Satana 1938-2011