With Doug busy promoting his film SOCKET, we have recruited Danny to fill in with one of his outrageous reviews. Take it away Danny...
Okay, this will not be easy. Usually I pick movies that I think will be delightfully bad, but at least understandable. For the first time ever, no one understood our first feature, ROBO VAMPIRE (1988, directed by Joe Livingstone).
It starts with a goofy guy loading heroin into coffins, because the drug guys are using vampires as drug mules, right. Okay, so the vampires won't wake up as long as they have the magic post-it on them. Even so, a couple of the vampires get all uppity and escape from their coffins (we later discover that it's not heroin, but rice powder! That's why the vamps got upset.) They attack the goofy guy, who suddenly gets help from a wizardy/priesty guy. Truly it was really creepy the way the vampires BOUNCED toward their prey!
Can you imagine this bouncing toward you??? CREEPY!
..and it would appear that the head vampire was a big Ernie Kovacs fan cause he wears a gorilla mask like the one Ernie did for the classic Nairobi Trio sketch, you know the one...
Anyway, it would seem that the Ernie Kovacs vampire is going to be put away until the arrival of the witch lady, who comes and shoots toilet paper at the wizard and she's all up in arms that her lover, Peter, is now the Kovacs Vampire and if the Wizard wants to live he has to marry them. Got it?
Okay, so the drug guys are are escorting the drugs about when they are suddenly ambushed by the NARCs led by Tom. Well, Tom weren't expecting no vampires what go "BOING" and he gets his throat ripped out by Kovacs.
Then we meet the other Narcs and they say stuff like (Actual dialogue): “Now that Tom is dead, I want to use his body to create an android-like robot. I'd appreciate you approving my application.”
"O'tay, Spanky, Amplication approofed!"... (Not actual dialogue, but exactly how it played...)
So they take downed anti-drug officer Tom and hook him up to the life support machine
I'm not sure exactly how it works, but I think if the minus sign flashes more than the plus sign, then it's bad... and vice versa. Anyway, they put a car battery in him and make him an android-like robot... and don't let that poster art work up top fool you... he didn't look that much like Paul Fairyoven's ROBOCOP. He actually looked like this...Maybe it's just me, but I think he'd compliment a futuristic sofa quite nicely.
Anyway, Robo-Tom goes around blowing things up good. And then the wizard/priesty guy unleashes his bouncy vamps and they battle bot.
He defeats the bouncy vamps, but then Wizardy/Priesty guy pulls out a rocket launcher and blows up Robo-Tom good. So, they hook Robo-Tom up to the life support machine. There's more plus signs than minus flashes so he's going to be okay, cause it turns out t'was only a flesh wound... kidding, the movie says it was just a short circuit. And now that he's all better, Robo-Tom goes to White Witch Lady & Kovacs Vamp's wedding where every one fights with everyone and there's boing, boing, boing, and flying toilet paper abound! Robo-Tom pulls out a convenient flame thrower and burns Kovacs Vamp and all the boingy vamps. Then it ends. Honestly, we couldn't figure out what was going on, who was who or what was what. It seemed like 7-year-olds wrote the script going, "..and then this happens..." I commend the film makers for taking the time to blow things up good, including one of the main characters. Unfortunately I give this movie more minus signs than plus signs.