Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Easter TV, Part 3

When I was a kid I was obsessed with The King Family.The King Family was this humongous group of clean-cut, mostly-blond, well-dressed white folk who sang cover versions of songs made famous by other people. These were mostly showtunes, spirituals and patriotic songs like Climb Every Mountain, He's Got the Whole in His Hands and America the Beautiful. Sometimes they all dressed alike and sometimes they even dressed like royalty!
The King Sisters (Donna, Yvonne, Louise and Alyce) and their extended musical family had their own ABC prime-time variety series from 1965-66. It was sort of like THE LAWRENCE WELK SHOW if Lawrence had fathered everyone.
In all, some thirty-seven members of the King family, ranging in age from seven months to 79 years, were featured on the show. I wanted to be one.
A short-lived 1969 revival, also on ABC, focused on the younger, hipper King Cousins. Don't they look cool?
This special, HAPPY EASTER WITH THE KING FAMILY may have just been a syndicated repeat of an Easter-themed episode of their weekly show, or it may have been an all-new hour-long King-fest. I'm not sure - and I can't find any evidence to prove either theory. Either way, I'd love to see some clips from it (or any clips of The Kings performing for that matter!). Sadly, there are none to be found, not even on YouTube! Am I the only person alive or remembers or cares about the King Family???
I hope not.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Easter TV, Part 2

Perry Como, the famously bland singer, hosted a batch of holiday specials on the networks through the 1970s.Joining Perry for this splashy outting - taped at San Diego's Sea World (nothing says Easter like killer whales) are the equally bland duo Grammy-winning of Kenny (The Gambler) Rogers and Debby (You Light Up My Life) Boone. The fact that this snoozefest aired at 10PM must have alienated the elderly and grammar school audience that it was meant to attract. I mean who else loves water parks and squeaky-clean easy-listening music but people who are in bed by 9PM?

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Easter TV, Part 1

It seems like Easter was once a much bigger deal on TV back in the 1970s. Not only did the three major networks air a slew of animated specials  (more on them in the days to come), but regular series also aired special Easter-themed episodes!
THE LIFE & TIMES OF GRIZZLY ADAMS was one such series. This NBC family adventure series about a hairy dude (play by future drug afficinando Dan Haggerty) who lived with bears was quite popular during it's two-year run. Grizzly was loosely based on a real person, a bear handler in P.T. Barnum's circus during the early 1980s. This 90-minute holiday episode guest-starred Western legend John  Wayne's son Patrick. This show should not be confused with BJ AND THE BEAR - which starred Greg Evigan and a monkey named "Bear."

Friday, March 27, 2009

My Letter From The Easter Bunny

It's finally Easter season, and time for the holiday that tries so damned hard to be another Christmas - but I personally just can't get past all the ugly pastel decorations. While going through a box of old cards and letters recently I came across this curious artifact from my sordid  past...an actual letter from the Easter Bunny - addressed to me from a P.O. Box in Wilkes-Barre, PA.Apparently, this rabbit (aka my good friend) lives in Bunny Land and can take time out from his duties–preparing for this long trip–to write to ME. He knows I've been good? He also dispenses free medical advice as you can see for yourself below.
Well, I never did get baskets of candy after I figured out it was all a lie - but somehow this letter has magically stayed with me throughout the years as a reminder of that childhood innocence and gullibility that we all lose somewhere along the way to adulthood. Happy Easter season, kids – enjoy the peeps and the hollow rabbits. It's gonna be over before you know it.

Thursday, March 26, 2009


TROLL 2 (1990 directed by Claudio Fragasso aka Drake Floyd) is one of those rare sequels that requires that you know nothing about the first film because it is, in fact NOT a sequel to TROLL. Not only that, but no actual trolls appear in TROLL 2- only Goblins. One wonders why it wasn't called TROLL 2: RISE OF THE GOBLINS or something to that effect. This film has gained quite a cult following in the past few years and I needed to see why.The plot of this oddball exercise in filmmaking concerns an average suburban family (Mom, Dad, two kids and a dead grandpa), who decide to swap houses with a Amish-like countrified clan from the nearby small "half-empty" town called Nilbog–and the madness that ensues.
We first meet a likable freckle-faced boy named Joshua and his dead grandfather, Seth. Yup - gramps died 6 months earlier but he just can't stop hanging out in Joshua's room, reading him scary bedtime stories. Tonight he's telling the tale of THE GOBLINS - the mischievious vegetarian creatures who trick humans into consuming magical food which will turn them into vegetables–so the goblins can eat them!Meanwhile Joshua's horny sister, Holly- a Jazzercise junkie– is visited by her beau Elliot. She thinks he might be gay because he spends too much time with his male friends. Holly wants Elliot to join her family on vacation in Nilbog–but Holly insists–only if he comes without his buddies. Here's a sample of the snappy dialogue between them:
Elliott: I'm the victim of a nocturnal rapture. I have to release my lowest instincts with a woman.
Holly: [slams Elliott in the balls]
Release your instincts in the bathroom.
Are you nuts? You tryin' to turn me into a homo?
Wouldn't be too hard. If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you.

Later, in the car, after mom coaxes Joshua to "sing that song I like so much" (aka "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"), Joshua has a feverish nightmare about his family turning into goblins. Granpa Seth appears again, posing as a hitchhiker on the side of the road. Joshua tells his parents to stop the car because he has to puke. Ghostly Seth informs urges him to convince his parents to turn back or else they'll be eaten by goblins in Nilbog! The family coax Joshua back into the car and away from the homeless man. They think that Joshua is making up stories. I have to point out here that the poor actors playing the parents are among the worst I've ever seen - you have to wonder if it's the director's fault.
When they arrive in Nilbog, the townspeople seem a bit odd and aloof, very Stepford. Their doppleganger family has left them a meal that is covered in green cake frosting. Grampa the friendly ghost tells Joshua he must stop his family from eating the food. So, Seth pulls a Hiro from HEROES and freezes time (WTF?) and crafty Joshua whips out his little Joshua and urinates all over the dinner table. I'm not kidding.
Actual dialogue:
Father: You can't piss on hospitality! I WON'T ALLOW IT!
What are you going to do to me, Daddy?
Father: Tightening my belt one loop so that I don't feel hunger pains, and your sister and mother will have to do likewise.

Meanwhile, Elliot and his three "gay" friends have arrived via a RV in search of Nilbog poontang, much to Holly's chagrin. One of the guys goes out for a stroll and comes across a woman who looks like she was attacked with a green cake decorator kit.
The dude and the chick are captured by a young over-acting woman in bad old-woman makeup (she's called Creedence Leonore Gielgud), who forces the duo to drink a cup of smoking, bubbling green brew that paralyses them.
The woman is soon eaten alive by goblins and the dude morphs into a green plant. The goblins' costumes: burlap potato sacks for clothes and latex masks with painted eyes.Later, Grandpa Seth appears to Holly in a mirror and she briefly freaks out. After she and Joshua swap rooms, Gramps reappears and tells Seth tells him he must convince his parents to return home!!! The next day, Joshua and pop go into town to get food that isn't covered in piss. Little Joshua looks into a car side-view mirror hoping to contact Grandpa again, but instead discovers is reflection that "Nilbog" is "Goblin"
backwards. Creepy. Not.Before you know it, the friendly townsfolk have Joshua in the Church basement where the local preacher man attempts to force feed him "ice cream". Apparently dairy is still part of the Nilbog diet. Dad shows up just in time!

Another one of Elliot's "gay" friends is sent to buy food, and is offered a ride by the seductive Sheriff, who tricks him into eating a sandwich covered in green shit. The kid gets all queasy but makes his way into the store-and asks for non-veg breakfast foods.
Shopkeeper: Are you crazy, boy? We're vegetarians here in Nilbog. Didn't you know that? Here's some Nilbog milk. Special milk. High in vitamin content. Here, it's free.Somewhere around here is a seduction scene involving Creedence Leonore Gielgud , a corn cob and a teen-age boy who likes popcorn. Nuff said.

Later, Creedence Leonore Gielgud brings a housewarming gift to Joshua's mother. She says its pudding, but it looks like cake with green icing to me. Dad and Joshua return to the house to find that the village have prepared a housewarming celebration to welcome them to town and apologize for earlier misunderstanding earlier. Joshua thinks this is a trap – and runs upstairs where he is attacked by a goblin. Grandpa Seth suddenly appears and chops off the goblin's hand! Turns out the goblin was Creedence Leonore Gielgud! I think. Super Gramps soon hurls a Molotov Cocktail at the townsfolk - and the preacher man catches on fire - as he burns it is revealed that he and all the towns people are goblins!The family runs back inside the house. Now they believe that Joshua was telling the truth and that they need to contact Granpa Seth somehow.
Holly: But how are we going to make grandpa come?
We NEED Grandpa Seth here!
But how do we get him to come? By having a seance maybe?Joshua: You're genius big sister!

So the family (plus Elliot- who seems to have forgotten about his 3 buddies) hold a séance to contact Grandpas, who tells them that he has only ten minutes left in the mortal world. Of course, then the goblins bust into the house and Dad demands that they run upstairs. Somehow Joshua and Seth are now in the church and Joshua needs put his hands on the Magic Stone Henge wall in order to defeat the goblins. Gramps then and gives him a grocery bag and vanishes.Creedence Leonore Gielgud appears (having grown her hand back!) and corners Joshua. He reaches into the the bag and pulls out a double decker baloney sandwich, which he promptly eats. How does it all end? I won't spoil it for you, but as a vegan I find it slightly offensive. Just kidding.

Michael Stephenson, the child actor who played Joshua in TROLL 2, has recently made a feature-length documentary about the film called BEST WORST MOVIE and it was recently announced that TROLL 2: PART 2 is in pre-production. Check all it out here. As for TROLL 2 - WOW - 10 outta 10.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!

Well, sort of. My friend Steve is prostituting his good-looking friends again - but this time it's for a good cause. So - if you're gay, lonely and have money to donate to Steve's AIDS LifeCycle 2009 effort come out and join us on Friday night. It's hosted by the amazingly funny Kira Soltanovich (from THE TONIGHT SHOW and GIRLS BEHAVING BADLY). And no, I'm not being auctioned off-but I will be there to make sure things don't get too outta hand. (Also - if you are a straight woman who enjoys objectifying hot guys with their tops off - bring a gaggle of your girlfriends just to make the night more interesting!)

Monday, March 23, 2009

Saturday, March 21, 2009


In the tradition of THE MIKE DOUGLAS SHOW, Dougsploitation announces...
Featuring actual interviews with real live stars of TV and Film (and possibly other media) on this very blog! Check back soon for the beginning of a new era in Dougsploitation!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Everything you need to know...Part 2

The illustrations from Everything You Need To Know About Cheerleading and Baton Twirling are entertaining on their own - but I've decided to caption them for the hell of it. Let me know if you guys enjoy these - there's plenty more where these came from.
Everything You Need to Know About Competition: 
Everything You Need To Know About Beauty:
Everything You Need To Know About Attraction:
Every Thing You Need To Know About Accessories:
Every Thing You Need To Know About Sharing:
Every Thing You Need To Know About Popularity:
Every Thing You Need To Know About Diversity:
Every Thing You Need To Know About Chastity:
Every Thing You Need To Know About Careers:

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Everything you need to know...Part 1

Let the lessons begin...
to be continued...


I haven't eaten red meat since 1982. This old advertising photo has been in my swipe files since before I was vegetarian/vegan. I take it out every now and then to remind me of what I grew up with. I now share it with you all because I have nothing to blog about today. Enjoy! Interested in going veg? Check out VegNews.

Monday, March 16, 2009

You're Soaking In It...

As all things turn to emerald on St. Patty's Day I've decided to forego my tribute to Irish Spring soap ("Manly yes...but I like it too!") and instead take a look back of one of my favorite TV icons - Madge, the wisecracking manicurist - who sold the world the unmistakably green Palmolive Dishwashing liquid for over 25 years!
Actress Jan Minor started on radio, and played many guests roles on early TV - but it wasn't until the 1960s when her career took off - and Madge became a favorite TV pitch person across TV land.

Jan also had many film roles, including playing  Lenny Bruce's mother Sally Marr, in the acclaimed film LENNY (1974). She can also be seen onscreen in the films MERMAIDS (1990), ENDLESS LOVE (1981) and THE SWIMMER (1968).
Ms. Minor's many TV roles included guest stints on REMEMBER WENN (1997), LAW & ORDER (1994), CAGNEY & LACEY (1983) and ONE DAY AT A TIME (1978).
Jan also famously portrayed lesbian icon Gertrude Stein on stage and on video in the acclaimed Win Wells play, GERTRUDE STEIN AND A COMPANION.

An accomplished stage actress, it was Madge that brought Jan into the homes and hearts of millions - and not only in the USA. She made Palmolive commercials in French, German, Danish and Italian!
Though, oddly, in English-speaking  Australia, she was replaced by an Aussie actress.
Jan was once quoted as saying..."I'd dip my hands in Palmolive the rest of my life," since the money she made on the Palmolive commercials gave her the ability to pick and choose her theater roles.
Jan passed away in 2004, but left behind dozens of enjoyable ads for folks like me to rediscover on YouTube.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Remembering Abigail Von Hunter (1901-2009)

It is with great sadness that I report  the death of noted advice columnist and nude rights activist Abigail Von Hunter. Born in 1901, Miss Hunter began her daily column in 1936 and continued until the day she died, at age 108. In fact, she has pre-written columns way into the 2020s, so you'll be still be seeing plenty of her for years to come. Abigail was best known for her rivalry with her evil twin sister Anne Von Hunter and her likelyhood to appear in a satin dress and white apron or nude and/or around nude people throughout her career. Miss Hunter was always smiling–happy to be alive no matter what she was wearing!
The column was syndicated by McNaughty Naughty Syndicate from 1936 until 1976, when it moved to The American Unitard Syndicate. Dear Hunter's current syndication company claims the column is known for its "uncommon common sense, youthful perspective and naked world view." Miss Hunter's column also appeared online from 1996-1999 on the late, lamented website ASK US ANYTHING. Rest in peace, Abigail.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Dippity-Do Flippity-Do's

From the Dougsploitation swipe files...a fun little ad featuring some of our favorite groovy chicks from the 60s sporting some of the best do's in town. Seven of our favorite gals are featured...anybody want to try to name 'em all?
You can try to guess your best in the "comment" section below.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Rugby Songs (Volume Two) by The Jock Strapp Ensemble

My good friend Wyndham gave me this LP cover oddity a few years back - and it still leaves me speechless everytime I look at it.  I mean, I can totally appreciate the cover photo, but what's really going on here?
Well it looks like The Jock Stapp Ensemble are back for another volume of traditional Rugby songs - ditties that have entertained fans for, um hundreds of years? Some of the songs included are  "The Portions of a Woman" (sounds like a French film about an axe murderer), "Balls to Your Partner", "Large Balls", "The Harlot of Jerusalem" (this sounds a wee bit out of place here) and "Yo Ho, You Ho, Eskimo Nell" (this sounds very out of place here). Unfortunately the record was not included in the package, but maybe I can find The Jock Strapp Ensemble on iTunes. Maybe not. Either way, it's certainly a conversation piece - and it got me thinking as to what a Rugby Songs cd might look like if it came out today. Maybe something like this:

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Dougsploitation Before Photoshop (& the Internet)

Yes, children there actually was a time before Photoshop when graphics had to be created the old fashioned way. I recently came across a file of dumb old magazine and advertisement parodies that I made when I was in high school and "that year I took off before college". I thought it would be fun to post some of them and review them through my seasoned Art Director's eye.
Exhibit A: The Hollywood Squares gossip column by Mildred Snatch and The TV Answer Man by Belvedere Thib. Originally published in the August 1981 issue of National People Magazine.
Well, first of all, Mildred Snatch and Belvedere Thib are great names. Wonder where I came up with those? The idea of a gossip column being about one particular show - a game show no less - is pretty genius. Notice how I used mixed media here. Actual clippings from TV Guide combined with real typewriter type. Very fancy.
Exhibit B : No Frills Granny advertisement, originally published in the January 1982 issue of Ladies' Life Magazine .
Wow! Completely hand-drawn type with a photo stolen from somewhere. I guess my obsession with fake NBC shows can be traced back to here. Spazzola Productions was a recurring entity in these ads.
Exhibit C: "I Can't Believe It's A Jockstrap!" from The March 1983 issue of Playhouse, The Sophisticated Mens' Magazine.
Infecto Laboratories created many unique products that pertain to the genital region.
Once again, completely hand-drawn type - including the Infecto logo!
Exhibit D: "I Can't Believe It's a Tampon!" from the January 1982 issue of Ladies' Life.
Once again, Infecto Industries creates something unmentionable in polite conversation. Notice celebrity spokesperson Juliet Prowse. Poor dear.
Exhibit E : Best Little Whorehouse on the Prairies from TV Guard magazine (circa Spring 1982)
Ah! I've discovered Press Type! And I've created a new network, SBS! Poor Laura, I always know al that whoring would lead to trouble. I've revisited this concept years later in my Slideshow presentation.
Exhibit F : The Natalie Wood Story circa 1982
What can I say? My design skills have improved greatly as I was using Press Type like there was no tomorrow, plus actual clip art! Pamela Sue Martin and Erik Estrada? Why not? "The neglected swimming lessons!"  - I'm sorry, Natalie.
Exhibit F : "Planet Eartha" from Persons magazine (Fall 1982)
More Press Type with clips from real movie ads. I wish someone really made this movie. In Dolby Stereo and 3-D!
Exhibit G: Gimme a Bust! also from Persons magazine.
A mix of clips and Press Type and a great photo of the late, great Nell Carter!
Exhibit H - Equaliza circa 1983
Okay, now we're talking. This was actually a photo stat composite of a real TV Guide ad and a photo of Ms. Minnelli. (Happy Birthday Liza!) Pretty soon after this I'd be employed and designing actual TV Guide ads - only those were not as much fun. I hope you all enjoyed this twisted trip down my memory lane.