EASTER IS...

One of my many childhood obsessions was oddly enough Lutheran Television. Growing up Catholic, it seemed like our Protestant friends had better choices when it came to TV productions. They had the terrifically soapy THIS IS THE LIFE, we had SUNDAY MASS. They had the claymation duo of DAVEY & GOLIATH, we had SUNDAY MASS FOR SHUT-INS. They had EASTER IS... and we had EASTER SUNDAY MASS.

 EASTER IS...was an animated special about a boy and his dog from the early 1970s that was a sequel to CHRISTMAS IS... (which I also loved and will be covering in December). I recently found both these Lutheran TV classics unwrapped on VHS at a gay thrift shop in Palm Springs! It's an Easter miracle!

 Actress/singer/game show icon Leslie Uggams lent her talents to the production, a few years before her appearance in the disturbing exploitation film POOR PRETTY EDDIE, which also involved a dog.

 Our story focuses on Benjy, a young boy and his poor sense of what it means to be a good pet owner. His sheepdog Waldo wanders around the neighborhood without a leash, gets attacked by bees and is left sitting on the bus stop waiting for Benjy to come home from school. Probably doesn't get his shots either.

 At school, Easter season is in full swing - and everyone knows what that means : girls dressed as pink bunnies while boys point at them, colored eggs and baskets full of candy.

 Benjy's teacher (Leslie) tells the class that they are going to be competing against the other classes in an Easter decorating contest. Think of it as PROJECT: RUNWAY with lots of pastels.

 The teacher assigns Benjy the most important task of designing the poster for the classroom door. She doesn't want it to look like crap, so he's gotta really work hard on this. I mean real hard.

 As his hippie Jesus poster looks over him, Benjy begins to toil away night after night on his Easter poster, ignoring Waldo and becoming more and more obsessed with conveying the true meaning of Easter.

 The following day, Benjy scolds Waldo for being too co-dependant and the poor dog wanders off in a state of distress, only to be attacked by a magical (yes, I said magical) Siamese cat on loan from LADY & THE TRAMP.

 Waldo ends up spending the night on the streets, in a dump, and drinking polluted water.

 Meanwhile Benjy's ignorant parents think that all the boy needs to do is put food outside and Waldo will turn up.
They don't even offer to drive around and look for the dog. Out of sight, out of mind. I really want to smack these two smug assholes.

 Benjy prays to God to bring Waldo home. Maybe he should have thought about getting Waldo a leash and harness at some point and treated him better?

 But God doesn't listen - and Waldo ends up getting captured by a red-headed brat. It's always a red-head. Even Lex Luthor was ginger before he lost his hair.

 Red decides to hold Waldo hostage, thinking that his owner actually cared about him.

 Benjy is told that he needs to come up with FIVE DOLLARS in ransom otherwise he'll never see Waldo again. Great orange phone by the way.

 Rather than going to his stupid parents for help, Benjy decides to steal $3.05 out of the family piggy bank. Luckily his African-American friend is around to help him.

 Benjy and his friend confront the read-headed kidnapper, but its too late-Waldo was attacked by rats during the night and escaped Red's garage...leaving behind a trail of blood!!!

 Oh Hippie Jesus - what is Benjy going to do? What will become of poor neglected Waldo? Where did you get that awesome vest? PROJECT: RUNWAY, perhaps?

 Well, the next day Benjy's dumb-ass parents convince him to go to church for Easter - and Waldo just shows up. All dirty, but not bleeding. The two are happily reunited and all is forgiven. Did Benjy learn his lesson? Did he learn anything at all? I really don't think so.

 Benjy's stoned Sunday school teacher lets him bring Waldo into the classroom. "Like, that dog is so intense!"

 The creepy Sunday School students listen as Benjy and the teacher tell the miracle of Waldo's Christ-like return.

 The next day at Albrecht PUBLIC SCHOOL. (I typed it in all caps for a reason).

 Tim Gunn shows up to judge the Easter-decorating contest - and guess who's class wins?

Turns out that Benjy's Hippie Jesus collage is just what a PUBLIC SCHOOL wants hanging on a classroom door! I guess maybe Tim Gunn thought it was the Brawny Man or some other hunky dude and not Jesus. Well that's where Benhy's story ends...but actually I have a confession...

When this show aired in the 1970s, I loved it so much I mailed away for an EASTER IS...Hippie Jesus poster, which I proudly displayed on my closet door for years, until it was replaced by Lynda Carter. Amen!

THE BEGUILED

After Clint Eastwood's puzzling appearance at the RNC the other night, here's a post from 2008 harking back to the days of a kinder, gentler, saner Clint.
Part Civil War epic, part baroque melodrama, part dirty soap opera, part gothic horror movie, part gender politics study and part Brothers Grimm fairy tale: THE BEGUILED (directed by Don Siegel) stars Clint Eastwood in his most intriguing and unusual role since he was elected mayor of Carmel, Ca.

After the requisite montage of real Civil War atrocities via sepia-tinted black and white photos...we arrive somewhere in Louisiana during the last days of the Civil War. Eastwood is John McBurney, a Yankee soldier who is near death after falling out of a tree. My guess is that he was hiding up there when he was shot.

A 12 year old girl named Amy (Pamelyn Ferdin, Edna Unger from TV's ODD COUPLE) is out picking mushrooms and discovers his severely wounded body. They talk, exchange names and cell phone numbers, and just before the girl helps him to stand, he tells her she's "old enough to kiss a man" and pulls her down beside him and gives her a long, hard kiss on the mouth. Huh??? She's confused, but happy. I'm confused and kinda grossed out. She then drags him to the mansion on a old plantation that serves as an all-girls school, where "McB" slowly regains his health under the care of sexually repressed headmistress Martha Farnsworth (Geraldine Page) and the horny girl students who live there. Sort of like when Blair first dragged Jo back to the Eastland school where sexually repressed Mrs. Garrett welcomed her with open arms.

Martha puts her skeptical slave Hallie in charge of washing him...above and below the waist! We are treated to hints of incest when Hallie dresses him in Martha's brother's shirt. Afraid of being turned over to the rebel forces, McB behaves like a polite and appreciative guest, after all he is a Quaker! As he gets healthier, he begins to charm (or beguile if you may) the love-starved students.

Soon the girls begin to vie for his affections, at first we think he's actually falling for virginal teacher Edwina (Elizabeth Hartman), but he seems to be inspiring jealousy among some of the others. This reminds me of Tatum O'Neal and Kristie McNichol both going after Matt Dillon in LITTLE DARLINGS. When one of the spurned girls tries to turn McB over to the Confederate army, Martha comes to his defense, claiming that he's her cousin from Texas. When McB tries to "thank" the headmistress for offering him a permanent residence at the school as the groundskeeper (replacing her brother) we witness a full flashback of Martha and and her lusty sibling getting it on. Donny and Marie Osmond they are not!

Following this we are then treated to Martha's wine-induced dream sequence, an eerie montage of McB frolicking with both Martha and Edwina, ending with a lesbian-tinged three-way that transforms itself into a painting of The Pieta. I swear...McB then gets to suck the nipple of one of the slutty girls - teenaged hussy Carol - leading to a an altercation with an enraged Edwina which ends with McB at the foot of the long circular staircase with a newly re-wounded leg. The battle of the sexes has begun!

SPOILERS START HERE. Martha has the girls harness him up and tie him to the dining room table- and announces that she plans to cut off his leg before it becomes infected with gangrene. What follows is some pretty brutal stuff, involving blood, knives, a saw, bloody hands, sweat, facial close-ups, more blood, blurry faces, a sweaty slave, more blood - you name it...

Clint flips out when he wakes up the next day without a leg, and he's now a prisoner rather than a welcomed guest. Amy tells McB that she loves him and he loves her back. I think she's 13 now. Somehow McB gets his hands on a gun - and now he has the upper hand...but only one leg!

After he threatens Hallie, we flashback to her being raped by Martha's brother. Charming fellow. McB then discovers the wine cellar, then he interrupts the girl's lunch with a drunken rant...and news that he has discovered love letters between Martha and her brother! When Amy tries to lighten things up, he flings her pet turtle across the room, killing it!!! Huh? After this hysteria, Martha convinces sweet, innocent Amy to put down the bloody turtle and gather up some yummy mushrooms for the evening's dinner.

At dinner, McB apologizes for his drunken behavior, leads the table in prayer and and announces his intention to marry Edwina, but it is too late...he's been poisoned by Amy's mushrooms!!! Clint realizes this and slowly gets up from the table and struggles to leave the room. Martha demands that the girls leave him be and finish their dinner. They do. He tumbles to the ground off camera and dies. Next the girls wrap up his body and carry it outside the gate to dump it. The end.

This movie is brilliant. I'm not much of an Eastwood fan, but between this and PLAY MISTY FOR ME, I gotta say - he really knew how to pick 'em back them. Great acting from Clint, Page and Hartman also set this film apart from the pack. THE BEGUILED gets a big 10 outta 10 in my book. In an odd coincidence, two of the actresses, Elizabeth Hartman and Geraldine Page, died in the same week. Hartman died on June 10, 1987 after jumping out of an 5-story window in an apparent suicide. Page died on June 13, 1987 of a heart attack. Sad.

CHANGE OF HABIT

Here's a rerun of a post from 2009, celebrating my first viewing of CHANGE OF HABIT!

CHANGE OF HABIT (1969, directed by William Graham) is a movie I've been aware of my entire life, though for some reason I've never seen until now. Me of all people, who loves movies about nuns!

The film starts off promising with a great typeface super-imposed over our three "brides of Christ".
Elvis Presley gets top billing-but he's not the reason I'm watching this.
Yes - the magnificent Mary Tyler Moore, one year before her hit sitcom debuts.
And who else is in this promising little film?
OMG! Barbara McNair - one of my favorite singers of all time!
And introducing future soap diva Jane Elliot! Through the opening title montage (and Elvis song) we see our three sisters transform from wimple-wearing women to stylish young ladies who arrive in some nameless city ghetto and attract much attention from the locals. The men are turned on and the women are jealous.
Meanwhile, Elvis is having a party , surrounded by all sorts of inner-city folk.
But Elvis is not just a handsome singer–he's a doctor at a free clinic!
The free clinic where Sisters Michelle (Mary), Irene (Barbara) and Barbara (Jane) have been assigned to assist Dr. John Carpenter (Elvis) with his busy practice.

At first he thinks all three are there for abortions! He asks them, "All three of you? Just out of curiosity, was it the same guy?"
You see, Dr. Elvis and the local Amy Winehouse lookalikes must not know that they are nuns. These penguins are on an undercover mission!!!
Their new neighbors include two spinsters who are convinced the trio are hookers. They even point out that one is "black as the ace of spades"! Sister Michelle comments that the ladies may be Catholic, but they are not "Christian". Amen, sister.
The trio try to make the most of things while they wait for their furniture to arrive.
The next day, Sister Michelle helps Dr. Elvis with a patient who stutters. Julio also has a fondness for shiny, sharp objects like scissors. Michelle promises to give him extra attention.
Meanwhile at the apartment, Sister Barbara uses her feminine wiles to get some local men to help her carry the furniture into the apartment.
Back at the clinic, Sister Michelle diagnoses a "deaf" girl as autistic, pissing off Dr. Elvis.
The furniture movers get "touchy" with Sister Barbara, but she is saved from a possible gang rape by a mysterious fat white guy named "The Banker".
Returning to the clinic, Dr. Elvis examines a 17-year old Desiree, who complains of a pain in her "left chest".
After work, Dr. Elvis pays the gals a visit and tries to examine Sister Michelle's left chest while she strums his guitar.
He then corners her in the kitchen and is puzzled by her lack of attraction towards him.
The next day, Amanda the autistic girl is back and Dr. Elvis decides it time to cure her. By holding her and telling her that he loves her while Sister Michelle holds her feet.
This scene goes on for about five, long, painful minutes until the girl is screaming and finally "cured". Who knew?
After the miracle cure, Dr. Elvis tries to cure Sister Michelle of her virginity, but she's not having it. Apparently in real life Mary Tyler Moore also turned down Elvis' advances as well.
Meanwhile, Sister Irene has a confrontation with some other African American characters and she tells them "I musta said a million ‘Hail Marys’ to get out of a neighborhood just like this" and then she uses "the N word"!
The next day, Elvis takes Michelle and Autistic Amanda to the park where he spontaneously performs a tune on the Merry-Go-Round. Oh-this is a musical too? Cool.
Then Elvis plays football with Sister Barbara. Must be nice to have a day off! No autism to cure today?
Aren't they the cutest couple?
Back in the ghetto, Sister Irene witnesses a brutal beating. It is revealed that "The Banker" is the crime boss behind it all!!!
The next day, the trio is called into the parish priest's office and they are read the proverbial riot act for living too much like "normal" people. They now must wear their habits in public. Everyone now shows them honor and respect, even the neighborhood sluts.
Sister Barbara uses her new popularity to start a picket of a local grocer who is over-charging customers.
Sister Michelle at last reveals to Dr. Elvis why she is giving him blue balls.
This is a scene that isn't in the film, but is a great publicity shot.
At the food market, Ed Asner shows up. He's not looking for Mary, he's there to eat a banana and hang out with Dr. Elvis.
The next day, the nuns host a carnival in honor of a Puerto Rican saint. Autistic Amanda makes her puppet say "the N word" to visiting Mother Joseph.
Then, Sister Irene incites a riot–exposing "The Banker" as the cause of all the problems the locals are having!
After Officer Ed Asner breaks up the riot, trampy Desiree thanks Sister Michelle for the dress she gave her, even though she altered the hemline a bit.
Then Sister Barbara tells Sister Michelle that she's leaving the nunhood because she could do so much more to fight social injustice as a regular person.
After they hug goodbye, Sister Michelle undresses for bed in front of an open window, as Julio the stuttering scissor collector watches her. OMG-a stalker plotline!!!
Then Julio manages to get into the apartment and attacks Sister Michelle, beginning to undress her and forces himself onto her!!!
Luckily Dr. Elvis is within earshot and he rescues her...and knocks Julio flat on his crazy raping, stuttering ass. Sister Michelle is traumatized.
Time passes and Dr. Elvis goes to visit Sr. Michelle at the convent where he proposes to her.
She turns him down (just like Mary) and basically tells him, she's already married to Christ. Later at church, Elvis performs a rockin' "Let Us Pray" as Desiree debuts her new, conservative look.
Sister Michelle sits in her pew and ponders. Who will it be...Elvis or Jesus? Elvis or Jesus? Elvis or Jesus?
SPOILER: The movie ends without us knowing what her final decision is. I wonder if they shot multiple endings?
I am so glad I finally saw this ridiculous, cheesy but ultimately great film. First of all, it was RATED G and had two attempted rape scenes, "the N word," the words "faggots" and "bitch" plus all that sexual heat between Elvis and Mary. I wonder what the MPAA was really watching that day? Secondly, it's interesting to see "liberated" nuns battling sexism, racism, poverty, intolerance and fighting for social justice. It was certainly a product of its time, but ahead of its time in many ways. I give it a big holy 10 outta 10 because any movie where Elvis assumes nuns want abortions, cures autism, plays football and breaks out into song is totally awesome in my book. It was worth the wait.