BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA

Since Danny gave such a fun review of BIG BAD MAMA, I asked him to share his comments on another MAMA movie classic. (This review is also from 2007) Take it away Danny... BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA aka WOMEN IN CHAINS (1972, Eddie Romero) simply put, starts out like an episode of CHARLIE'S ANGELS, but then withers into a JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS cartoon gone awfully awry. 

It begins with our heroines (Black Mama Pam Grier and White Mama Margaret Markov) arriving at the prison somewhere in Central America (although, for some reason most of the extras look Filipino!!!). They are soon treated to a shower where the "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" watches the girlie inmates shower and frolic, like that scene in PORKY'S. 

After freshening up, the girls all report to their bunks...and it turns out prison in Central America isn't so much punishment as it is a slumber party! The "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" calls on Black Mama that first night, but Pam clearly shows that she doesn't swing that way. This was way before THE L WORD, though I'm not sure she swings that way there either.

The story is totally different when White Mama goes to see miss "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" -  Pam calls her out on it and she simply replies, "you had you chance."  I agreed.  Then there were these two sets of bad guys and they wanted something or other from either White Mama or Black Mama...and they all seemed to really, really like the Filipino-looking extras.  

Anyway, for some reason the Mamas were being transferred (maybe to the Tea Party prison?), and we all knew something was going to go all wrong.  I was sure a tidal wave was gonna come and knock the bus over, thus releasing our heroines (I don't know, maybe it's because the location had that miniature look to it...) everyone else thought it would be a train wreck, like in THE FUGITIVE or an "accident" like in ANOTHER 48 HOURS, but nobody guessed it would be the old "yak in the road" ploy! 

Yeah, there's a yak and the bus stops and there's shooting and both mean lesbian matrons get shot dead (as usual)... and our heroines escape, chained together!!! Black Mama tugs on the chain and White Mama says, "I'm not a yo-yo!". Well, she's not!

So they fight, walk through a stream, wrestle, get attacked by a fat guy ( whom they kill and burn up) and lots of other stuff.
But most of all, they learn to get along. Meanwhile, those two sets of bad guys keep tracking them and wanting something from each of them while they continue to enjoy the Filipino girlie extras, of which there seems to be an endless supply. I hope they at least got paid in craft services.

So, finally one set of guys finds the girls, releases them from each other and takes them to a pier where the other set of guys is waiting!!! There's gun fire, things blow up good, Black Mama gets on a boat and White Mama is shot dead. Oops - did I give away the ending? Sorry. The End. Looking forward to the sequel, BLACK MAMA, BIG BAD WHITE MAMA!

Doug gives this one a 6 outta 10. Not great, but enjoyable in small doses.

BIG BAD MAMA

This was a guest blog post from my good friend Danny...originally from 2007! Enjoy...Hi bad movie fans, Danny here - BIG BAD MAMA (1974, directed by some guy called Steve Carver) is drive-in classic I remember my father taking me to see when I was six. I consider it the best "Mother As A Role Model" movie ever made!

First off, let me tell you how excited I was to learn that this movie starred Robbie Lee who some of you might know as the baaaaad girl from SWITCHBLADE SISTERS (Maybe Doug will let me review that too one day)! Not three minutes into the movie and she was already showing her left booby.

Actually, this movie was just full of boobies and tushies and even Angie Dickenson got in on the act!!! As a six year old, it was all the same to me, but I don't think I was really ready to see Sgt. Pepper Anderson's fleshy badges all up in the windshield of dad's 1969 Thunderbird. I was confused, was she America's favorite POLICE WOMAN or a tit-flinging bank robber?And just why is she having sex with Captain Kirk when she just had sex with that guy who's gonna be attacked by an ALIEN in about five years? (Tom Skerritt)

Getting back to a more serious issue...what's with all this booby & tushie? Is this really appropriate viewing for a six year old? What was my father thinking??? And if I'm old enough for this, why aren't I old enough to go to Disneyland four years from now???

Also... why aren't things exploding? For the amount of gunfire there was in this movie, NOT ONE thing blowed up good and that was very disheartening. No one even got shot in the cooch, but William Shatner got shot dead and that was good enough.

I think if you examine the movie poster above, you'll get what the movie is and you'll probably ask, "Who's driving that car?" Beats me.

Did we learn anything from this movie? Yes, and that is... it's never too late to start a new life... or rent a different movie.

Doug gives this one 7 outta 10.

ABBY or THE BLACK EXORCIST

NOT in honor of Black History Month, here's a vintage post from three years ago. Sorry for the lack of images, but I hope my brilliant words more than make up for it. :)
When I heard that there was a movie that was known as THE BLACK EXORCIST - I knew that I had to seek it out. What I found was ABBY (1974, directed by William Girdler), a crazy blaxploitation thriller about a preacher's wife possessed by an evil African sex spirit. Supposedly Warner Bros. had sued to keep ABBY out of circulation due to it's similarities to THE EXORCIST. Obviously, nobody at Warners actually bothered to watch it.

The story starts as out a group of students bid farewell to their favorite teacher, a Reverend (played by BLACULA star William Marshall) who is leaving on a research trip to Nigeria. One student mentions his "thesis" about four or five times, somehow managing to rhyme it with "feces". Soon we all learn about "Eshu" - some kind of god or demon or something that is very powerful - it creates whirlwinds and chaos. Then one of the students gives Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. (what I'll call him) a ridiculously large silver crucifix. Thanks, um, I think. Then we are treated to the "Love Theme from Abby" over the hardest-to-read-opening-titles ever.

Now we're in Africa, where Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. finds a wooden lunchbox, which when opened releases the recently mentioned Eshu. Imagine that! Eshu - by the way - looks like a bad INCREDIBLE HULK mask made out of green Play-Doh.

Back home, the professor's son Rev. Blacula Jr. (Terry Carter) and his pretty wife Abby (Carol Speed) move into a new house. Abby's mother (played by Hollywood legend Juanita Moore of IMITATION OF LIFE fame) is there help, by carrying a big box that says "Eggs" and by ordering a bucket from KFC. (I swear to Eshu - I'm not making this up!)

So, after settling in a bit in the new home, Abby decides to shower - unaware that the evil spirit Eshu has travelled cross the sea to pay her a visit. So we are treated to Abby's showering shadow being attacked by what looks like the shadow of Bigfoot. Soon Abby's helping the church ladies prepare a chicken meal, when she suddenly gets the urge to stab herself. I think she just thought her arm was a chicken breast. Innocent mistake. After the doctor bandages her up, Abby freaks out about not wanting scars on her arm. Well, you should have thought about that BEFORE you stabbed yourself, Abby.

Later Abby is leading the choir at her husband's church, but flips out during his sermon, first just coughing uncontrollably, then attacking a churchgoer and finally foaming at the mouth!!! This scene is pretty amazing because it takes so long for anyone to even attempt to help her, even when she was just coughing - no one even offers her water or a cough drop! Rev. Blacula Jr. calls his father overseas and mentions that Abby's acting strange. Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. seems too preoccupied with his "work" and tells his son that Abby just needs rest. Later, he tries to get on with his wife, but Abby tells him, "I'm not your 'ho!" and then kicks him in the balls.

Next up, when another couple visits, Abby declares that she's gonna "fuck the shit out of" the husband. Clearly, something is up with Abby. It was here that I noticed that Abby's possession turns her into an odd combination of Carol Burnett's Eunice and RuPaul. Then the church organist pays a visit to a bedridden Abby and ends up dying of fright!

Rev. Blacula Jr. calls his father again, and dad begrudgingly agrees to come home to help. Then Abby is given a medical exam, but everything turns out normal. Abby tells her husband, "I wanna thank you for callin' that mother fuckin' father of yours. Give him my worst regards." In the best scene in the film, possessed by Eshu, Abby declares "I'm goin' home, bitch!" and escapes from the hospital, plowing through assorted nurses, patients and doctors.

Abby turns up at her home, with a big "welcome home" for the senior Reverend - she tries to give him a lapdance.
Abby then gets behind the wheel and drives to a disco and picks up a nerdy looking dude from her church. Her husband "borrows" some woman's car and chases after her. Abby and the church dude start going at it in his car (can't tell if it's a limo or a hearse) , but then the car starts to shake and fill with smoke. We never find out what actually happened, before we can question it, Abby then returns to the club, where she sets her sights on creepy Doc Severinsen lookalike. They soon disappear into a room upstairs. You have to wonder where Abby gets her bad taste in men from.

Meanwhile, Abby's detective brother joins Rev. Blacula Jr. in a search for our missing heroine. They eventually find her disco-dancing with TWO men! Then Abby decides to start tossing patrons around the room. Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. finally shows up with his big ass crucifix. Abby then grows a unibrow, levitates and Eshu releases his wrath on the entire disco! Yay! I'm not gonna tell you how it ends - but suffice to say we see that old wooden lunchbox from Nigeria again!

Well, ABBY was certainly a treat. Carol Speed was fun to watch and you can't help but love Juanita Moore as her mama. My theory is that Juanita had memorized all her lines from IMITATION OF LIFE and just recited them again here. I really was hoping to LOVE this movie - but the best I can muster is 8 out of 10. I'm really hoping some day for a big budget remake starring Wanda Sykes and Billy Dee Williams.

DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!

Great title. Great poster. Don't bother. 1 out of 10.

BLOOD AND BLACK LACE aka SEI DONNE PER L'ASSASSINO

During an amazing opening sequence, we are introduced to the fabulous models of Countress Cristina's fashion house. Suddenly one of the models (Isabella) is brutally attacked by a faceless assailant wearing a trench and fedora - looking much like the DC Comics' The Question. Through some of the worst dubbed dialogue ever, we soon learn that there are all sorts of secrets floating around the fashion house - including the fact that some models use cocaine!!! This is 1965 people - in Italy. How progressive - I don't think American models snorted coke til the mid-70s.

But the fashion show must go on! It is revealed that Isabella had kept a diary, and suddenly almost the entire House of Cristina becomes distressed, especially when another model finds the diary and declares that she is bringing it to the cops. I think this happen on CHARLIE'S ANGELS once too.

The book is stolen from her purse, she suddenly finds herself stalked by The Question, and is also brutally killed!!!
Another model has stolen the diary, and has decided to burn it in her fireplace - The Question soon attacks her, and is then tied to a chair and tortured. She is able to unmask The Question, who then kills her by burning her face off. Not pretty!

All the men of the fashion house are then placed under arrest. But then The Question strikes again! Is the killer a woman??? Or are there two Questions??? (In DC Comics the original Question died and was replaced by a woman...hmmm).

Well, after the men are release from jail, it turns out that there ARE two killers - and it all involves blackmail and the dreaded diary! Later that night, a the voluptuous Siouxsie Sioux lookalike model is drowned in her bathtub by The Question -who then removes the mask and is revealed to be _______! The killer then slashes the corpse’s wrists in order to make the death seem like a suicide. What follows is a final confrontation between the two killers.

With plenty of opportunities to ask "Huh?," this one is a classic - if not only for the amazingly kitschy production design. The hairstyles, fashions and office decor in the fashion house scenes make THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA look like GREY GARDENS. Score: 9 outa 10.

This Mario Bava film is an example of Italian "giallo" (yellow) films - named for pulp paperback novels with yellow covers.. The title of this film translates as SIX WOMEN FOR THE ASSASSIN, though I like to call it ITALY'S NEXT TOP DEAD MODEL. This film is also credited for inspiring the modern-day stalker/slasher flick.

ABBY

When I heard that there was a movie that was known as THE BLACK EXORCIST - I knew that I had to seek it out. What I found was ABBY (1974, directed by William Girdler), a crazy blaxploitation thriller about a preacher's wife possessed by an evil African sex spirit. Supposedly Warner Bros. had sued to keep ABBY out of circulation due to it's similarities to THE EXORCIST. Obviously, nobody at Warners actually bothered to watch it.

The story starts as out a group of students bid farewell to their favorite teacher, a Reverend (played by BLACULA star William Marshall) who is leaving on a research trip to Nigeria. One student mentions his "thesis" about four or five times, somehow managing to rhyme it with "feces". Soon we all learn about "Eshu" - some kind of god or demon or something that is very powerful - it creates whirlwinds and chaos. Then one of the students gives Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. (what I'll call him) a ridiculously large silver crucifix. Thanks, um, I think. Then we are treated to the "Love Theme from Abby" over the hardest-to-read-opening-titles ever.

Now we're in Africa, where Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. finds a wooden lunchbox, which when opened releases the recently mentioned Eshu. Imagine that! Eshu - by the way - looks like a bad INCREDIBLE HULK mask made out of green Play-Doh.

Back home, the professor's son Rev. Blacula Jr. (Terry Carter) and his pretty wife Abby (Carol Speed) move into a new house. Abby's mother (played by Hollywood legend Juanita Moore of IMITATION OF LIFE fame) is there help, by carrying a big box that says "Eggs" and by ordering a bucket from KFC. (I swear to Eshu - I'm not making this up!)

So, after settling in a bit in the new home, Abby decides to shower - unaware that the evil spirit Eshu has travelled cross the sea to pay her a visit. So we are treated to Abby's showering shadow being attacked by what looks like the shadow of Bigfoot. Soon Abby's helping the church ladies prepare a chicken meal, when she suddenly gets the urge to stab herself. I think she just thought her arm was a chicken breast. Innocent mistake. After the doctor bandages her up, Abby freaks out about not wanting scars on her arm. Well, you should have thought about that BEFORE you stabbed yourself, Abby.

Later Abby is leading the choir at her husband's church, but flips out during his sermon, first just coughing uncontrollably, then attacking a churchgoer and finally foaming at the mouth!!! This scene is pretty amazing because it takes so long for anyone to even attempt to help her, even when she was just coughing - no one even offers her water or a cough drop! Rev. Blacula Jr. calls his father overseas and mentions that Abby's acting strange. Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. seems too preoccupied with his "work" and tells his son that Abby just needs rest. Later, he tries to get on with his wife, but Abby tells him, "I'm not your 'ho!" and then kicks him in the balls.

Next up, when another couple visits, Abby declares that she's gonna "fuck the shit out of" the husband. Clearly, something is up with Abby. It was here that I noticed that Abby's possession turns her into an odd combination of Carol Burnett's Eunice and RuPaul. Then the church organist pays a visit to a bedridden Abby and ends up dying of fright!

Rev. Blacula Jr. calls his father again, and dad begrudgingly agrees to come home to help. Then Abby is given a medical exam, but everything turns out normal. Abby tells her husband, "I wanna thank you for callin' that mother fuckin' father of yours. Give him my worst regards." In the best scene in the film, possessed by Eshu, Abby declares "I'm goin' home, bitch!" and escapes from the hospital, plowing through assorted nurses, patients and doctors.

Abby turns up at her home, with a big "welcome home" for the senior Reverend - she tries to give him a lapdance.
Abby then gets behind the wheel and drives to a disco and picks up a nerdy looking dude from her church. Her husband "borrows" some woman's car and chases after her. Abby and the church dude start going at it in his car (can't tell if it's a limo or a hearse) , but then the car starts to shake and fill with smoke. We never find out what actually happened, before we can question it, Abby then returns to the club, where she sets her sights on creepy Doc Severinsen lookalike. They soon disappear into a room upstairs. You have to wonder where Abby gets her bad taste in men from.

Meanwhile, Abby's detective brother joins Rev. Blacula Jr. in a search for our missing heroine. They eventually find her disco-dancing with TWO men! Then Abby decides to start tossing patrons around the room. Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. finally shows up with his big ass crucifix. Abby then grows a unibrow, levitates and Eshu releases his wrath on the entire disco! Yay! I'm not gonna tell you how it ends - but suffice to say we see that old wooden lunchbox from Nigeria again!

Well, ABBY was cerftainly a treat. Carol Speed was fun to watch and you can't help but love Juanita Moore as her mama. My theory is that Juanita had memorized all her lines from IMITATION OF LIFE and just recited them again here. I really was hoping to LOVE this movie - but the best I can muster is 8 out of 10 "Huhs?". I'm really hoping some day for a big budget remake starring Wanda Sykes and Billy Dee Williams.

THE GORE GORE GIRLS

I asked my friend Danny to contribute a couple of guest reviews to my blog because our shared love for these movies. I happened to be in the very same room with Danny as he watched these treasures, so it's almost if my words are coming out of his fingers. But not quite...

A pretty woman sits fondling one strand of her somewhat pretty hair.  Then, a figure appears behind her and smashes her head against the mirror, over and over again!  At times it's so brutal the head almost looks  like a mannequin's!  Then the gloved black hand smooshes her face and grabs her eye out! ...and so begins our feature THE GORE GORE GIRLS! (1972, directed hy HG Lewis).

This is how it goes... Uhm, this Go Go girl is murdered, so saucy novice-girl reporter, Nancy Weston goes to -we're never really sure who he is or what he does- Abraham Gentry.  All we do know about him is that he uses his cane like a third hand and the cane has magical powers, like it can knock down a burly bouncer with one weak swing. 
Anyway, this Gentry guy is special too, he's like a chameleon, 'cause when we first see him he's blended into his couch so well, he needs to put on a vest so that we can see him. MAGIC!!!! 

Anyway, the newspaper hires him to solve the murders and he sets out to do just that.  Before he gets very far in his investigation, a go-go girl watches herself in the mirror as she gyrates and undulates, topless, while chewing bubble gum.  Then  the  black-clad figure appears and shoves her face in the mirror and slits her throat as she's mid bubble. 
The bubble fills with blood (actually, I thought that was kind of cool) and then the figure stabs her more and tears out her eye, then puts the eye back, then stabs the eye with the knife... I was confused.  Apparently so was the killer. 

So Nancy and Abraham show up to the murder scene before the cops and Nancy passes out at the sight of the body and Abraham walks into the dead girl's kitchen, grabs a huge can of 7-Up and pours it on her to wake  Nancy  up.  Then he goes back to the titty bar where all the waitresses are really c*nty and switch work uniforms every time they leave a table. 
We get a glimpse of our first suspect, a guy what looks like the big guy who played Bluto in the POPEYE movie.  Yeah, he sits at the bar all day smashing up fresh fruit after drawing faces on 'em.  I don't know much about detective work, but I'd say, "That's a clue! That, or he's gonna make a smoothie. 

Anyway, Abraham interviews the bartender, who get's out of his duties by uttering my favorite line of the night, "Hey, Charlie, Take over. I gotta take a shit!"  So all this exposition stuff happens, then some more go go girls are killed.  Like these two; one's ironing while making french fries (as we all do), then the black figure slits her throat and then irons her face, both the left and the right side, for an even scorch. Then mutilates the face, plays with the eye, smooshes the eye..., then there's scissors and they are applied to the nipples, where one is snipped and milk pours out and is caught in an appropriate cocktail glass, then the other is snipped and CHOCOLATE milk spews out and caught in a glass and the killer clinks the glasses together in a toast.  Then, her roommate walks in, then finds her own face in the boiling french fry grease, so hot that her eyes pop out, then (that thing with the face)... Then Mrs. Garrett comes in, sees the mutilated girls and screams, then two other older women come in and shake Mrs. Garrett to find out what she's screaming about Tootie and Blair (Not that Blair would ever do her own ironing...) and she just screams and screams.  We watched that bit four times.  I'm just wondering who these three older women were who were bunking with two stripper girls.

Oh yeah, somewhere in there, while a go-go girl is dancing,  Prudy Pingleton comes in with a group of girls, protesting the stripperness of their lives, carrying signs that I think included "Quit with tit!". 
All hell breaks loose and ANOTHER girl goes home, gets topless, takes a cucumber out of the fridge and rubs it around her face, then looks up to ask her apparently 9 foot  tall  assailant, "What are YOU doing here?"  Then the black-clad figure slits her throat, turns her over and kills her by pounding her exposed tushy with a meat tenderizer. 

Finally getting clever, Abraham convinces Henny Youngman(!) to hold an amateur stripper contest where he knows, the killer will be present, the novice reporter Nancy will get drunk and storm on to the stage and strip and get the attention of the killer, who will follow them home and try to kill Nancy, if not for winning the contest, then simply for being an annoyingly bad actress.  Which is exactly what happens.  Abraham puts drunk Nancy down on the sofa and pretends to leave.  The black-clad figure comes to kill Nancy with Acid! FROM POLAND!
As if acid weren't bad enough, it had to be FROM POLAND!

Then Abraham reveals his presence, the killer is revealed to be the c*nty waitress.  She breaks the grasp of his cane and jumps out the window, where she falls onto the street and her head is smashed under a car tire.  Then for another ten minutes, Abraham reveals the reason C*nty C*ntman was killing the girls, which I won't get into here.  Suffice it to say she was a wrestler who got burned. I think the best part about it was that Henny Youngman turned in a breakthrough performance as a sleazy strip-joint owner who tells really bad jokes.  The end!

Doug's footnote: Plus look for a cameo by Latin-American singer Vicki Carr!!! 10 out of 10 "Huh?"s for damn sure!

SINS OF RACHEL

If John Waters directed a murder mystery with Edith Massey as the murder victim, it would be SINS OF RACHEL. This twisted 1973 ultra-low budget whodunnit takes place in the picturesque setting of Lake Elsinore, CA - a quaint town littered with fine boutiques!

Rachel Waring (played by Massey doppelganger Ann Noble), a plus-sized, terminally bitter, washed-up nightclub entertainer has returned to her hometown to write her memoirs, which promise to reveal the sinful secrets of many people in the small town - basically PEYTON PLACE. But Rachel also has some sinful secrets herself - including an inappropriate relationship with her studly young son, Jimmy! (Sin #1) In addition, we soon learn that slutty Rachel had an affair with a local married doctor (Sin #2) - who soon became a widower.

Meanwhile, Peter - the doctor's son -a violent, often-shirtless, motorcycle-riding ex-con (who knows Kung Fu) has also returned to Lake Elsinore. He blames shrew-ish Rachel for his mother's death. (Sin #3). The plot thickens! Next we meet Hank, who Rachel seduces... with the help of some cash. (Sin #4).

Then there's Reverend Taylor and his daughter, Shirley. Shirley pines for Jimmy. The Rev. loathes Jimmy. Shirley loathes Rachel. Jimmy loathes himself. Turns out Jimmy might be gay - and who's gonna help him find out if he is? How about our shirtless drifter Peter? Remember, Peter laothes Jimmy's mom, Rachel (the Sinner). There's alot of loathing going on in Lake Elsinore - especially when somebody ends up preggers!

All these sudsy soap opera plots would normally be a lot of fun, but whenever Noble isn't on screen, the whole affair becomes a giant snooze. Noble (who also wrote script) is so unusual that you can't look away. She's got a Mrs. Slocombe/Mrs. Naugatuck/Sister George/tragic drag queen thing going on. The supporting actors all actually make her look good, which I guess is the job of a supporting actor.

So Rachel ends up dead - she's a big bloody pile of wig and blood. Detective Jennings intends find out who killed her and why, after all he was helping her write her memoirs!

I've waited a long time to see this flick because the trailer looked so good (the way it keeps showing tighter and tighter close-ups of Rachel's bloodied face is genius) - but I have to say I was greatly disappointed. Except for the amazing Tom Jones- inspired theme song - and some brilliantly wacky dialogue about wanting an abortion, SINS OF RACHEL is sinfully dull. Whodunnit? Who cares? Rent THE LAST OF SHEILA instead. I hate to do it, but 6 out 10 "Huhs?" for the lady.

Something Weird has packaged it with the equally awful SHE-MAN.

THE TEACHER

Former child star Jay North (DENNIS THE MENACE) is all grown up and sporting bad Oompa-Loompa hair in this wacky 1974 soft-core skinflick/stalker film. Filled with John Waters-caliber acting and many topless shots of the beautiful Angel Tompkins - this "grindhouse" melodrama is highly watchable.

It's THE SUMMER OF 42 meets THE FAN (The great Lauren Bacall movie, not the crappy Robert DeNiro one) as sexy high school teacher Diane (Tompkins) seduces her student/neighbor Sean (North) much to the chagrin of a crazed Vietnam vet stalker named Ralph (who looks like the fucked-up love child of Michael Jackson and Tommy Tune).

It all starts off very innocently as a Eydie Gorme soundalike warbles a ridiculous theme song over the opening credits, but things soon get out of hand when Ralph's brother (and Sean's best friend) is accidentally killed while the boys are watching Diane sunbathe on her boat. Ralph blames Sean for the death and decides to make his life miserable - trying to kill him for the next 90 minutes.

Sean's parents steal the movie with their horrible acting, outrageous polyester clothes and garishly decorated San Fernando Valley home. The mother's lady friends and local restaurant customers are also fun to watch.

Jay North is much cuter here than as Dennis (and less annoying), spending much of his time in his undies, short shorts or bathing suits. He somehow manages to stay dressed for all his sex scenes - or hidden behind an umbrella!

THE TEACHER (directed by Howard Avedis) is available on DVD as part of the "Welcome to the Grindhouse Collection". It's packaged with a another bizarre softcore flicked called THE PICKUP, which is essentially a twisted T & A travelogue through the Florida everglades. Watch with caution...it gets pretty disturbing. The added bonus trailers are worth the price of the rental alone. Rating: 8 outta 10 "huhs".