Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Sensuous Black Woman

My latest obsession is an album called The Sensuous Black Woman. My generous friends Terrence and Dudley recently gifted me with a cd version of this spoken word classic. I can't begin to describe it. It has got to be heard to be believed. And just look at this groovy cover art!!!
When cruising the internet searching for the above visual, I came across what appears to be a sequel featuring the late Rudy Ray Moore as The Sensuous Man. I've edited the cover art a bit since I don't want an adult advisory slapped upside my blog. I'm sure you can Google it and it will come up.
It's amazing what a different time the 1970s were.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Wouldn't Watch Them with a 10 Foot Poll

A recent Harris Poll released last week asked American "adults" to pick their "two or three favorite television shows of all time." All time, to me = since the birth of television. 1948 or so til today. All time.

Among the top 15 shows getting the most nods, it shocked me that only 2 are considered true classics: M*A*S*H at No. 2 and STAR TREK at No. 13. So,  you may ask "what were the other 11 shows that these people call their all-time faves?"

Well, let's get started with No. 15:

No. 15: GREY'S ANATOMY (ABC, 2005-current) - Okay, how could something  that premiered 4 years ago be your all-time favorite? I've never seen a full episode.
I must be missing something amazing.

No. 14: THE SIMPSONS (FOX, 1989-current) - Holy shit, THE SIMPSONS has been on for TWENTY years. God I'm getting old. Even though I think I stopped watching this show on a regular basis about 10 years ago, it's still funny and irreverent. The feature film was enjoyable as well. I guess it can pass for an all-time favorite.

No. 13: STAR TREK (NBC, 1966-69) - No objection.

No. 12: LAW & ORDER (NBC, 1990-current) Since this show has been on, I've lived in three major cities, had 8 different jobs and did all sorts of crazy shit. Somehow I've only managed to see one episode of this peacock network warhorse. I think I saw LAW & ORDER: SVU twice though. I know people who love this show, so I'll give it a pass.

No. 11: FAMILY GUY (FOX, 2000-current) A show that was cancelled twice for low ratings somehow managed to survive and became the zombie that refuses to die. I've tried at least a dozen times to watch this show (usually because friends think it's so goddamn brilliant) only to find out that it is not only NOT brilliant, but one of the most unfunny and offensive shows ever created. Believe me, I enjoy offensive comedy - when it's actually funny.

No. 10: ER (NBC, 1994-2009) This show finally called it quits. I saw one episode years ago. It was well done, but it made me uneasy and nervous. Give me ST. ELSEWHERE any day.

No. 9: LOST (ABC, 2004-current) Never watched it. Sorry.

No. 8:  TWO AND A HALF MEN (CBS, 2003-current) Who are these people who voted for this show??? Please have them captured and made incapable of reproducing. Thank you.

No. 7: FRIENDS (NBC, 1994-2004) "I'll be there for you..." for 10 seasons. I watched the first 5 or 6. Okay, I really liked it for a while. I'm gay.

No. 6: SEINFELD (NBC, 1989-98) Okay, I was a huge SEINFELD fan - when it first aired. But I haven't been able to watch reruns since it went off the air...I wonder why?

No. 5: 24 (FOX, 2001-current) Never watched even a minute of this right-wing propaganda. Never will.

No. 4: NCIS (CBS, 2003-current) What the fuck? I've never met anyone who has ever watched this show. Most people haven't even heard of it.

No. 3: HOUSE (FOX, 2004-current) My sister is a fan of this show. I watched an episode with her when she visited me last year. It was okay, nothing special. Eh.

No. 2: M*A*S*H (CBS, 1972-83) This anti-war sitcom is a true classic despite Loretta Swit's awful un-1950s hairstyle.

No. 1....Are you ready for this? Any guesses?




ROSEANNE? - A big no.

CHEERS? - Hell no.


THE SOPRANOS ? - Haven't got a prayer.

MARRIED: WITH CHILDREN? - Um, okay...I was kidding.

EVERBODY LOVES RAYMOND? - Apparently not so much.

I LOVE LUCY???!!! - waaaaah...Ricky...

What ever can it ever be? What is America's ALL-TIME favorite TV show??? Drumroll please...

No 1: CSI (CBS, 2000-current) Give me a fucking break. This is the all-time favorite TV series among American adults??? CSI??? All I've got to say is..."is it too late to move to Canada?".

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Bea Arthur 1922-2009

Return to the Chicken Ranch...

I swear I'm not getting lazy...just really busy, okay?I was in the mood for a musical - so after perusing my vast collection, I decided on THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS! This 1982 adaptation of the Broadway smash (written and directed by Colin Higgins) was a box-office hit and is fondly remembered by fans of both Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds. I have not seen this film since it's theatrical release, so I decided to revisit it 25 years later (with an open mind). Oh yeah - it's based on a true story! Yee-ha!

Narrated by Jim Nabors as if he was hosting one of those Rankin-Bass Christmas specials, we learn all about the 150-year history of this "house of ill repute" through a rousing opening number, promising us that there's nothing dirty going on. I'm still amazed how happy, perky and clean the whores are...sadly, we never get to know any of them, they are just nameless ladies of the evening.

We soon meet our co-stars Burt & Dolly - At 46, Reynolds was still in pretty good post-Cosmo centerfold shape, and Dolly was at her peak following her stunning film debut in the comedy classic 9 TO 5 - and they do have a certain folksy chemistry. Reynolds plays Ed Earl, a sheriff and Dolly is Miss Mona, a madame who runs The Chicken Ranch - a very popular local brothel. These two have an ongoing affair and all seems pretty happy in whore-ville until we meet Houston-based peckerwood/electronic bounty hunter Melvin P. Thorpe (Dom DeLuise - looking slightly slimmer than usual), who stages a musical investigative report about the bordello on his "Watchdog Report" TV show.

Thorpe then brings his crusade to the town square and confronts Burt about taking payola and protecting the whores. Burt scares the be-jesus outta Thorpe and sends him packing (or so we think!). Burt celebrates by taking Dolly camping. They have a painfully long fireside heart-to-heart about spaceships, forgiveness, Jesus, politics, America, dreams, smiles, ballerinas, Dolly's tits, monogamy and other things whores routinely discuss with sheriffs.

The shit hits the fan later that night when Thorpe appears on the local 11:00 News with footage of Ed Earl cussing and firing a gun at him. The local gentry wants to calm the townfolk down and Burt agrees to talk to Dolly into closing down for two months. After a heated argument, Dolly agrees to shut it down. Only it's the day before the big Thanksgiving football game!!! The next day, the whores watch the game on TV as they decorate for the victory party and anticipate which team they are gonna get to screw.

Next up is the best locker room song & dance number ever filmed. Lots of jockstraps and fine naked asses, followed by shirtless shuffling in boxer shorts and tight jeans. Basically, it's Texas two-step night at Oil Can Harry's. And then the eventual bus ride to the Chicken Ranch. To create drama, the bus breaks down and the boys hitch a ride with an old geezer. Dolly and the whores are all awaiting - wearing prom gowns for the special occasion - but not for long! Luckily there was one black whore for the one black football player! (After all it is the south!) I strained my eyes to see if the Asian whore found a likewise Asian footballer. Couldn't tell. Then they all FUCK! Yay!

Jim Nabors shows up at Burt's and tells him that something dirty's going on at the Ranch even though Dolly promised. Of course, Thorpe shows up with camera crew and all hell breaks loose as half-naked whores and jocks battle Thorpe and his crew. What follows as another even more heated argument between Burt & Dolly - and Dolly accuses him of being a chicken-shit sheriff in a chicken-shit town!!! I love when Dolly uses swear words! Then he calls her a "whore" (which she is, kind of). Dolly later tells her housekeeper that she loves Burt. Awww...

The Chicken Ranch soon becomes a political hot potato as the townfolk and local politicos are divided about the issue. We soon meet Oscar-nominee Charles Durning, as the Governor - and his well-remembered musical tribute to political double-talk "Sidestep". The song is clever, reminding me of "One Foot In Front of Another" from SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN - but something about Durning singing and dancing gives me a feeling of anguish. Can't explain why.

Burt and the Governor debate about the Ranch - but Gov. Durning declares to "Shut it down" after a poll claims that's what his people want. They we are "treated" to another rendition of "Sidestep" - this time with a marching band! Burt calls Dolly - apologizes for the other night and tells her to close it down...leading to my favorite Dolly Parton song ever - "Hard Candy Christmas" and some of the whores actually get a bit of airtime as they bid farewell to the cathouse they call home. The girls wave goodbye and board a Greyhound outta whore-ville and Dolly is left alone with her housekeeper. Back to narration by Jim Nabors (who's now the sheriff!).

After Dolly learns that Ed Earl went to the Governer to defend her and the whores, he pays her a visit. He tells Dolly he loves her - and she tells him she's loved him since she was 16! Then Dolly sings her chestnut "I Will Always Love You" a million times better than Whitney Houston could ever sing it! Burt then proposes marriage to Dolly (which she accepts), even though that might endanger his chances to be elected as a state legislator (he is elected anyway, after all this IS Texas!). Happy Hollywood Ending!!!

Of course, the stage play and this film take many liberties in telling the story of the infamous Chicken Ranch. For a more accurate version of the story, visit The Chicken Ranch! The real Melvin P. Thorpe, Marvin Zindler died recently at age 86.

I give this one a big 8 out of 10 "Huhs?" just for the candy-coated fictionalization of a real news story and for Burt's horrible singing. But there's nothing dirty going on!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Coach Revisited

Another rerun from last year.
Not to confused with the dreadful ABC sitcom of the 90s, COACH (1978, directed by Bud Townsend) is a dreadful PG-rated sexploitation film from my childhood. I remember watching (a surely edited-for-TV version of) it on the CBS Wednesday Night Movie and then talking with my Catholic school friends the next day about how great it was. THAT'S INCREDIBLE's perky Scientologist icon Cathy Lee Crosby stars as Olympic track & field champion Randy Rawlings, who leaves her job as an instructor in a 1970s equivalent to "Curves" to coach a boys basketball team at a private high school. Why not?

The movie opens with a soundless montage of Cathy running track, until she bursts through the finish line and steps up to receive her Gold Medal as The Star-Spangled Banner plays. (It's public domain, so no royalty fees like that pesky Olympic music). Meanwhile, in the sleepy town of Granger, Keenan Wynn (or was it Denver Pyle? - I always get those crazy old coots mixed up!) is perplexed by his grandson's high school basketball team and their perpetual losing streak. So Keenan gets the schlep-y, non-athletic looking coach fired and selects his replacement through some amazing futuristic "computer" program. The computer determines that the Olympic track star Randy Rawlings has just the right qualifications. When Randy arrives, Western Union telegram in hand, everyone discovers that this star athlete is a woman!!! Not only that but, a sexy, liberated, blonde woman who doesn't own a bra! Prevented from firing her due to certain newly-passed anti-discrimination laws, Randy is given a chance to turn the teen-age losers into winners. But her job hinges on delivering a perfect season. If the team loses even one game, shes out on her sexy tight ass! Keenan later instructs his grandson to give her nothing but trouble.

Well, the boys (well, I'll call them "boys" despite that the actors look to be about mostly in 25-35 years old range) at Moose Knuckle High (according to our friend John W., a "Moose Knuckle" is the male equivalent of "Camel Toe"), don't take to kindly to having a woman coach, and they berate her with sexist remarks and gestures. She's the CTLF ("Coach They'd Like to Fuck"), but they don't want her telling them what to do. Always a pro, our Randy ignores their shenanigans and tells them she's there to kick some ass. She's even wearing an outfit that looks like her WONDER WOMAN costume from the aborted 1974 TV-movie pilot.

The team is a bunch of freak and geeks who don't have a clue how to win. There's the bookish nerd with glasses, the lanky scarecrow, the black guy, the albino with a receding hairline, the mildly-retarded rich kid and of course the school stud, Jack (future TERMINATOR star Michael Biehn), her star player and future sex partner. She earns the boys' respect by walking in on them while they are all naked in the shower and turning off the hot water, and forcing them stay under ice cold water for a minute. She learned this from her former coach, Alberto Gonzalez.

Then she proceeds to "coach" them by bringing in her superstar NBA buddy (or drug dealer) to teach the guys some professional moves. Before you know it, the team is playing better and Jack is playing WITH Randy's boobs! Never mind that's he's supposed to be like 17 and she's at least 35...and the fact that she's abusing her role as an adult in charge of "kids" by having sex with one of them. This issue never even comes up, as she and Jack fall in love through a series of montage images set to cheesy 70s music. Soon the rest of the boys grow to like Randy. Why they even let her join them in the "Hey Lahdy Lahdy" sing-along on the team bus. Awwww...

Meanwhile, there's an embarrassing and tedious subplot involving hypnosis, and how the boys are able to help get their gawky teammate to get better grades and play better ball whenever he hears the word "Jabberwocky". When Randy finds out about it, she tells the boys that if he can play like a pro under hypnosis, he can do it without it! But later when the team is losing a big game, she leads the entire gymnasium in chanting "Jabberwocky" so they can win. So basically, she sends the message that's it's okay to cheat. Great coach, what's next, steroids?
For a PG-rated film, we see plenty of flesh, including at least 4 pairs of females nipples (when co-eds flash the boys at a dull house party), a bunch of naked male butts (during the shower torture-scene) and lots of moose knuckles in satin shorts and tight jeans. I give this one 6 "Huhs?" just for it's spunkiness. It's basically an ABC Afterschool Special about statutory rape, without the drama, moral judgement and legal repercussions. In other words, it's just good, clean fun for an cougar to bed one of her students! This makes me wants to revisit LIFEGUARD starring Sam Elliot, another sexy CBS Wednesday Night Movie classic.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I Know Who Killed Me (Again)

I've had a busy few days, so rather than running another boring old comic book ad, I've decided to rerun a movie review from last year. Enjoy!

It's rare that I review a recent film, but I KNOW WHO KILLED ME (2007, directed by Chris Sivertson) is so deliciously awful that I just could not resist. The film opens with a decidedly unsexy stripper doing a pole dance, when suddenly her hand starts bleeding all over the damn pole. Ugh...not again! Of course the stripper turns out to be played by that adorable headline grabbing, former ANOTHER WORLD actress and Disney child star Lindsay Lohan!

It appears that the town from TV's FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (The show we all WISH we watched) is being terrorized by someone who has been abducting and torturing high school (or is it college?) girls and doing disturbing things to their hands and legs. This town of New Salem (a DAYS OF OUR LIVES reference?) is the bluest place on Earth. Everything is color-corrected to be this bright, brilliant blue, causing me to to retitle this epic I KNOW WHO BLUE ME.

Soon we meet Aubrey Fleming, Lindsay's (other?) character, who is smart (she wears glasses) and apparently very talented. She plays the piano - but wants to give it up to concentrate on writing. Her piano teacher thinks this is a bad idea. Music good. Words bad. Oh yeah, the teacher wears a big BLUE ring and Lindsay has a hairless pussy. Cat. Hairless pussy cat. She's pretty much a perfect student and daughter. There's a stalker-ish blonde boyfriend named Jerrod who "loves" her and then there's the Fleming's hunky gardener who wants to screw her - but she's a good girl. Aubrey is good. Lindsay is bad.

After Jerrod the teen gives her a BLUE rose and the BLUE team wins the football game, Aubrey suddenly vanishes - into the blue! Local sheriff Santa Claus is clueless. Soon the FBI is on the case - and we know this because they all wear BLUE shirts, jackets and vests that say "FBI" in big, bold, yellow letters! The task force is led by a Beau Bridges look-a-like and a black supermodel with a botoxed forehead and drawn-on eyebrows. Between Santa, Beau and Tyra - this case is gonna be cracked wide open - I just know it!

Later a woman who also looks like Lindsay is forced off the road (by a hairless cat?) and discovers something on the side of the road. It's Lindsay! Oh my god! At the hospital, she wakes up missing one hand & half a leg. So much for that piano playing career, but at least she can still write. When Lindsay can finally communicate, she reveals herself to be "Dakota Moss" - a filthy stripper and NOT the angelic, perfect Aubrey Fleming. Everyone thinks she's making this up, and within days, Crabman from MY NAME IS EARL fits her with a Bionic hand and Heather Mills leg.

Days later, still insisting that she's Dakota, she is welcomed into the Fleming household. She seems to hate all Aubrey's BLUE things, and mostly her hairless pussy. This upsets mom (played by older Lindsay lookalike Julia Ormond, hiding her British or French accent), who just wants her daughter to love her and all the BLUE stuff. What Dakota does love is fucking, and she proves it when Aubrey's boyfriend Jerrod comes by to inspect her bionic parts. At first the FBI doesn't trust him cause he drives a yellow car, but then when they see he's wearing a BLUE pullover, it's okay. Any way, after they screw, Dakota tells him about her crack-whore mother who left her $11 before she died and an envelope with the return address "New Salem". She then tells him how she started spontaneously bleeding one night during her act (we see her and her body double in various states of bumping and grinding) and how her finger fell off, turned BLUE and she tried to sew it back on. Then some cute guy on the BLUE bus gave her free medical advice. Huh???

Meanwhile, the Dept. of Homeland Security finds one of Aubrey’s stories on her laptop, and it's about a stripper named...yes, you guessed it... Dakota! After escaping from the Fleming house, Dakota visits the parents of another murder victim, Jennifer Toland. She then begins to suspect that maybe she and Aubrey were identical twin sisters! Oh my god - it's THE PARENT TRAP all over again!

Back at the Flemings, Euro-mom shows Dakota a video of her ultrasound that she just happen to have hanging around -proving that there was only one baby inside of her! This forces Dakota to made a giant leap and confront Aubrey's father - accusing him of replacing his wife's dead BLUE baby with one of the newborn twins from some crackhead giving birth down the hall. The envelope that came from New Salem was from him - he's been paying off crack lady for years!

After doing a little web surfing, Dakota learns all about "twin stigmata" - so THAT'S why her fingers have been falling off! Next we get to watch a weird little YouTube video hosted by a Leonard Nimoy lookalike that explains it all. After visiting the grave of Jennifer Toland, Dakota finds a BLUE ribbon from a piano competition, with a hand-written message from the creepy BLUE-ring wearing piano teacher!

SPOILER ALERT!!! Dakota goes all Nancy Drew and figures out that the teacher murders his students who don't want to play anymore! So, Dakota enlists Aubrey's dad to help her confront the killer.They arrive at his house, with it's BLUE stained-glass door and collection of BLUE glass knives and trinkets. Dad gets killed almost instantly, and it's up to My Little Stripper to fight off the evil piano teacher.
So she cuts off HIS hand and finishes him off. Afterwards, Dakota finds Aubrey buried ALIVE - in a BLUE, stained-glass coffin(!!!) and frees her. It all ends with the two lying together on the ground, holding each other...shouldn't Aubrey get some food or drink...or medical attention???

So were there really two Lindsays? Was just Dakota a character in one of Aubrey's stories?
Was Aubrey a person that Dakota made up? Was the piano teacher REALLY the killer...or was it gardener...or the dad...or Santa Claus? Either way, this movie totally BLUE. I just have to ask what kind of stripper is Dakota anyhow? She never even takes off her top...or bottom! We've seen more of Lindsay's Lohan on TMZ than in this flick.

On a final note, I wonder if the filmmakers set out to make a David Lynch homage? With teen girl murders in small town America, identical twins, missing fingers, BLUE things - I can see traces of both BLUE VELVET and TWIN PEAKS. If that was the case, I think they failed miserably. But if they just wanted to make a movie that makes you say "huh?," I KNOW WHO KILLED ME rates a big BLUE 10 outta 10.

Old Comic Book Ads That Make You Say "Huh?"

There's nothing I can say that this ad doesn't already say itself.
Don't you just wanna clip the coupon and mail it in today?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Old Comic Book Ads That Make You Say "Huh?"

I suppose this one ran in girl's comics...
A new, exciting cologne and stick deodorant two-pack in BIG BOTTLES. Start today–be grateful tomorrow because you'll have to beat men off with a stick once they catch a whiff of how lovely you now are. You may still look like hell, but you'll smell so freaking alluring that men will just fall over themselves once you come within sniffing-range.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Old Comic Book Ads That Make You Say "Huh?"

Roger Batton signed a contract with Monogram Pictures for a well part in a movie! And now you can too!

Miss Judith Allen tells you how!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Old Comic Book Ads That Make You Say "Huh?"

Bounce it...Hit it...Mold it...Stretch it...Just don't call it "silly".
Look for it in the patented "Nutty Putty" clam shell package.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Nancy or The Strange Tale of Fritzi Ritz

Fritzi Ritz began life as a popular light comic strip created in 1922 by cartoonist Larry Whittington. It's heroine was a glamourous single lady, a flapper named Fritzi.

In 1925 a 20-year-old Ernest Paul Bushmiller took over the strip.Bushmiller's introduction of Fritzi's sassy niece Nancy (in 1933) brought even more fans to the strip.In 1938 Bushmiller introduced Nancy's raggamuffin friend Sluggo.Later that year, Aunt Fritzi's name was dropped from the title of the daily strip, which continued on as Nancy.Ernie's clean, bold style, and his skill of constructing surrealistic site gags propelled the strip to new heights. Nancy and Sluggo became pop culture icons, appealing to kids and their parents as well. Sluggo was soon just as famous as Nancy–or even more so, as witnessed by this rare two-pack doll set.Poor Aunt Fritzi's Sunday strip continued for a few more years before being completely taken over by Nancy.
Fritzi continued to appear in Nancy to attract male readers with her charming figure.
But it was Bushmiller's clever gags that transformed Nancy a comic strip classic.
So, Fritzi Ritz, who had once been a funny pages star, was relegated to being a bit player in the strip where she had once been the star.And Nancy and Sluggo's colorful friends soon populated the strip - forcing Aunt Fritizi into comic books to get some quality time - though she shared the bill with her unattractive beau Phil.
Fritzi's solo book continued into the 1940s.
United Feature Syndicate also launched Tip Top Comics, where Nancy's strips were reprinted alongside other UFS stars. 
When the series moved to Dell Comics, the other features eventually included Charles Schultz's Peanuts.
A Nancy and Sluggo book was soon launched.
After a stint with St. John Publishing (1955-57), Dell Comics became the home of Nancy and Sluggo. It was assigned it to popular Little Lulu cartoonist John Stanley. 
Dogs always played an important role in Nancy's adventures. As witnessed here:

After moving to Gold Key Comics, the title ended in 1963, and Nancy never again appeared in comic books.In 1942, Nancy was licensed by Terrytoons, the studio that produced the popular MIGHTY MOUSE and HECKLE & JECKLE animated shorts.Sadly, Terrytoons only produced three NANCY cartoon shorts. (Titles: School DazeNancy's Little Theater and Doing Their Bit.) It took Nancy almost 30 years later to return to the world of animation–on Saturday mornings!
In 1971, Filmation's ARCHIE'S TV FUNNIES on CBS welcomed Nancy as one of its segments — rotating with other comic strip characters like Broom-Hilda. The format was revisited in 1978 on NBC under the title FABULOUS FUNNIES - without The Archies involvement.
Bushmiller won the National Cartoonist Society Humor Comic Strip Award for 1961 and in 1976, he was awarded the Reuben Award for the Best Cartoonist of the Year from the National Cartoonists Society.
Bushmiller continued writing Nancy with Al Plastino and Will Johnson handling the art chores. He died in 1982, and the strip was taken over briefly by Mark Lansky, who died in 1983, opening the door for Jerry Scott's modern make-over of the strip. Scott ignored Aunt Fritzi during most of his run - but when left in 1995, the new team, brothers Guy and Brad Gilchrist, returned to Bushmiller's beloved style and use of sight gags.
Even still-sexy Aunt Fritzi returned - to more prominent role in the strip!And mildly dramatic themes sometimes come into play.
Fritzi Ritz and Nancy - together again. Also In 1995, Nancy, along with Brenda Starr and several others, was part of the "Comic Strip Classics" series of commemorative stamps. You can get your daily dose of Nancy here.