Thursday, July 17, 2014

Who Killed Teddy Bear?

From 2009 - in honor of Elaine Stritch.WHO KILLED TEDDY BEAR (1965, directed by Joseph Cates, THE FAT SPY) is a film which I've been dying to see for close to 15 years. After devouring H. Paul Jeffer's 2000 tome Sal Mineo: His Life, Murder and Mystery - I sought out and found a rare (aka bootleg) copy of the film on dvd.Editor's note - an even better biography by Michael Michaud came out in 2010 and is rumored to be in development as a feature film by James Franco!
While I was always familiar with Sal Mineo and his tragic story, I now have a slight obsession with the attractive, baby-faced, twice Oscar nominated actor.WHO KILLED TEDDY BEAR is psychological thriller written by Arnold Drake (creator of DC Comics' DOOM PATROL and DEADMAN-who would have thunk?). The noir-ish film is notable for it's frank sexuality and it's rare objectification of the male body–but at it's heart it's mainly a sordid tale about the wacky staff of a popular midtown Manhattan danceclub. By the way, this post is chock full of SPOILERS.The film opens with a great theme song (sung by Dougsploitation favorite Leslie Uggams) a blurry shot of a two half-naked people in a compromising position groping at each other and the credits continue over this sexy scene until a little girl screams, drops her teddy bear and falls down a flight of stairs! Oopsie!We see a male in tighty whities (apparently the first time briefs, not boxers, were shown in a somewhat mainstream film).Suddenly a alarm clock rings, we see a tawdry book titled When She Was Bad among this guy's belongings. There is implied masturbation(!) It's 6AM - time for Norah's first obscene phone call of the day. She tells him to “go sober up.” Norah Dain is played by leggy dance diva Juliet Prowse. We soon learn that this naïve waif is new in the city, just having moved from Rochester, NY and working as a disc jockey at the club while she looks for showbiz jobs. Unfortunately it seems like she only has one record, a song called "Born to be Bad". The crowd seems to enjoy it, over and over again.
Sal plays a waiter named Laurence who works at the same club. Larry is a bit shy and a bit insecure around women, despite the fact that his sexy good looks could melt an iceberg.
The club is managed by tough-as-nails Marian (played by Broadway legend and recurring 30 ROCK guest star Elaine Stritch). Norah tells a concerned Marian about the obscene phone calls she's been getting. The hunky mute bouncer is played by future HILL STREET BLUES star, Daniel J. Travanti! Mute? But could he be faking it to make dirty phone calls?Vice detective Dave Madden (played by Catskills comedian Jan Murray) is soon on the case- and he tries to impress Norah by rattling off a list of different kinds of sex offenders that he's familiar with. He stops at necrophilia. Don't they always?Oh by the way, Norah seems to be quite the exhibitionist - undressing in front of any available open window. I'm just saying. It's okay, her apartment only faces a brick wall.

Norah goes on a few auditions and takes a walking tour of the NY Theater district, taking time to check out a poster for ANY WEDNESDAY starring Sandy Dennis (insert Sandra Bernhard joke here). Norah winds up at the Hudson Health Club were she goes for a swim. He phone caller is there - he's officially become her stalker now!
We see that Detective Madden is obsessed with perverts. He has a collection of books and magazines about fetishes, S&M and other kinky topics and he listens to tapes of victims' testimonies in his apartment while his precocious daughter Pam (played by Murray's real life daughter) sleeps in the next room. Maybe he's the 6AM dirty wake-up caller???

Back at the club, the same couples dance to the same song as Norah gets one of those annoying calls at work! He knows where she lives! He knows where she works! He knows her name! Marian tries to convince Norah to go home with her for the night, but Norah resists.
But when she arrives home she find a teddy bear with it's throat slashed and calls Madden.

After Madden helps himself to her booze, he reveals to her that he knows everything she's done that day. She then freaks out and calls him a "dirty, disgusting animal". Then he tells her about how his wife was raped and horribly mutilated after going to see a matinee–and the killer was never caught. So that's why he's obsessed with perverts! Then her phone rings - it's the stalker!!! Madden then invites her to spend the night at his place - with him and his daughter.

We then see that the stalker is watching her from across the way through binoculars from his apartment window. And when he lights a cigarette - it's revealed to be Larry! Duh - who else could it have been...Elaine Stritch?

Suddenly we see Larry with a female, who is revealed to be his mentally challenged sister Edie. It's her 19th birthday and he gave her a dress and not the new teddy bear he promised her. After an uncomfortbale hugging scene, we get a flashback–where we see Larry is coaxed into having sex with an unidentified woman (a hooker? his mother? Auntie Mame?) as young Edie (with her teddy bear) walks in on them. Frightened by what she saw, Edie slips and flies down a flight of stairs, leaving her brain damaged. This explains the opening montage.

The next day, Pam asks her father if Norah is a hooker - and then they all trip head to the zoo for an outting, where they awkwardly run into Larry and Edie! Small world, isn't it? Later, back at his room with a view Larry chastises his sister for dressing up like a whore. A mentally challenged whore, but a whore nonetheless. Meanwhile, Larry is wearing the tightest white pants. FYI - Sal Mineo's ass was awesome!Oh yeah, and the pants are so tight he is  also sporting "V.P.L." - Visible Penis Line.Here, look again. Very impressive.Larry's pants get him (and us) all very horny, so he heads to Time Square for some window shopping.  We follow. Then he flips though some nudist magazines and goes to see a porno double-feature. I wonder if CALL GIRL '77 was a real film? I need to see it!Meanwhile, Marian accompanies Norah home for the evening and the gals are having a sapphic slumber party. Marian tries on Norah's fur, literally, saying “I dig soft things.” Then the phone rings. Marian wants to answer it but Norah won't let her. Norah then freaks the fuck out and begins sobbing in Marian's arms. Marian tries her best to calm Norah down, and it seems to be working until Norah gets the feeling that Marian is beginning to feel her up. Norah lets lesbi-phobia get the best of her and demands that Marian leave at once!Marian, totally offended, tells Norah that she thinks there's something wrong with HER–that maybe the telephone voices are all in her head. She leaves wearing Norah's fur. Larry sees the coat and thinks that she's Norah, running after her - eventually catching Marian and... apparently kills her! Nice going, psycho. She's your boss!!! Don't you think you're gonna get fired for that?I guess in 1965 the lesbian had to die.

Meanwhile, Dave's obsession with sexual psychopaths is getting in the way of his job. He's becoming one of them! Maybe. “Dave, you’ve gone over the line. You’ve joined them.”

Back in Sal town, Larry is in his undies gyrating on his bed, rubbing himself. HOT. He's having a hard time sleeping (after killing his boss), so he decides to go to the gym - where the camera lingers on Mineo’s muscular body.

No complaints here.

Turns out Norah's at the gym too - so Larry changes into his snug black Speedo and chats her up. Only he doesn't listen to a word she says. Rather he fantasizes about swimming with her. Awww, what a sweet psycho killer. There is rumored to be a censored scene here where he pops a boner and makes a quick getaway.That evening at work, they brush off Marian's murder as if she was totally expendable. You'd think Norah would be freaked out that her boss was murdered outside her apartment wearing her fur coat!!! But no, she says "business as usual, better than usual". After the club closes, Norah decides to show Larry how to dance (to her favorite song).
This sweaty scene is a hoot and totally suggestive-with Larry wearing a sexy midrift-bearing jacket. 

When the dance ends Larry tells her that he loves her. Wrong move.

Instead of talking about it a bit, or telling him that she's flattered - she instantly rejects him and he then viciously attacks...and possibly rapes her (through their clothes - after all it was the mid-1960s).Gulp!
Meanwhile, Madden realizes, with help from his daughter, that the stalker was using a mirror to watch Norah. I don't know–it made sense when he said it.He goes to Larry's apartment and finds Edie hiding in a closet. Meanwhile back at the disco, Larry and Norah share an awkward moment.Madden immediately shows up at the club where he smacks the shit out of Larry. While Dave tends to traumatized Norah, Larry gets up and runs through the streets of NYC. Through a strobe effect he imagines a different life - one where he and Norah frolic in the snow. Then he his shot dead by the cops in front of the Hotel Astor. The End.

The movie was beyond awesome. I was not disappointed in the least. 10 out of 10 on the Dougsploitation scale. Sure it was sleazy and totally politically incorrect, but come on–for 1965 it was incredibly suggestive and progressive. Sal Mineo is my new hero, I think it took balls to appear in a film like this and expose himself the way he did. He was far ahead of his time. Imagine the body of work that lied ahead if he wasn't murdered in 1976. Very sad indeed.


More recycled Dougsploitation.

LIFEGUARD stands out in my mind for two reasons: it was another PG-rated, but sexy film that that premiered on the CBS Wednesday Night Movie (see COACH) and it was an iconic teen-age masturbatory fantasy for gay boys everywhere. What's surprising is that this movie came from Paramount Pictures (and now on DVD from the Warner Archive Collection) - not Crown International or American International or New Line or New World. This was a real Hollywood movie...with music by the legendary Paul Williams (PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE, and that very special episode of THE ODD COUPLE where Edna Unger and her dad Felix argue over Paul's sex appeal).
As the titles roll, we meet our hero, young Sam Elliot, who even at 35 (?) seemed kinda old - but yet sexy. He's putting up a flag, and "intern" lifeguard and Scientologist Parker (HARDY BOYS and BAYWATCH) STEVENSON is helping him. Then a bunch of half-naked teen boys who all look like Carrot Top come up to them and tell them how they plan on getting laid this summer. Right.
Sam then puts on his tight rainbow tank top because his lady friend - a blonde stewardess(!!!) who looks like Sarah (REAL PEOPLE) Purcell coming over for a booty call.
PS- she is carrying the same "stew bag" that Tara B. True used in SUPERCHICK! And she gets to shows her tits and a PG movie!!! Holy shit - the MPAA would never allow this today. After the fucking, pillow talk between them turns dramatic when she tells him that he's not as good in bed as he thinks he is. He would be better if he loved her. He's like..."whatever" Back at the beach, a teenage girl who looks like a mildly-retarded Kristy McNichol needs a band-aid for her finger. So Sam helps her out. Later, while a dwarf photographer is taking snapshots, Sam and Parker talk about sex. A lot. Which is hot. Then they talk about sex with underage girls. Which is creepy.
Then there's a boring bar scene which reveals to us that Sam is a "player". A guy that knew Sam 10 years earlier sees him at the bar and the two begin to chat. The guy - who looks like both the ABBA guys rolled into one - tells Sam that he now is a Porsche salesman, and that Sam should consider getting in the car biz.
Stalker teen, I'll call her "Tarzana" shows up again and tells Sam that she has no friends cause girls are snotty and boys are creeps. Then she splashes water on him and he chases her. He gives her a towel and they talk about marriage. Huh? Then she tells him she wants to get better at sex, and she wants him to fuck her. He thinks she's only 14, but when she says she's 17, he figures what the hell...and it does it! "Tarzana" is actually a played by a 22 year old Kathleen Quinlan!

The next day, Sam goes to visit his parents. We wish that it was Sam playing all three characters like Eddie Murphy does. Maybe in the sequel?

Back at the beach, Sam rescues some drowning kids and has to deal with a Cary Grant lookalike who is "showing his privates". We wish Sam and Parker would show each other's privates! Parker can't deal with the old guy cause he looks too much like his dad. Okay, ewww. 

"Tarzana" the Statutory Stalker shows up at Sam's apartment (She followed home!!!). Gulp. He can't make love to her because tonight's his 15 Year High School reunion - making him almost 30!!!

At the reunion, another Scientologist, Anne Archer and WONDER WOMAN's friend Etta Candy (Beatrice Colon) are there! During "Moon River," Anne shows him her kid, but what she really wants to show him is her "kid-maker".

Then there's a triathlon competition and of course "Tarzana" is cheering him on. Sam spits up water for five minutes. He must be too old for this??? A teammate jokes about it and Sam goes nuts. Speaking of nuts, the announcer has big ones. Ewww...

Before you know it Sam's teaching Anne's kid how to swim and how properly wear Groucho glasses.

He shows Anne a pamphlet of women he hasn't fucked yet, and she's in it - but not for long. It's light reading. Then they get it on. There's slo-mo closeups of various body parts. No nipples or balls, just fleshy parts. Soon she's smoking in bed. Must have been good.

The next day Sam goes to see the car dealer guy. Later, "Tarzana" shows up again and asks Sam if they are ever gonna do it again. He tells her no. And then she asks "Is it cause I'm jailbait?" No, she's cause you're crazy. Then she starts crying cause...SHE'S FUCKING CRAZY!

Later, Anne makes lasagna because her Mexican housekeeper can't be trusted with pasta. Sam comes by to tell her that he got a job as a Porsche salesman. Then a song by Paul Williams, the poor man's Elton John, serenades us as Sam drives around LA and says "goodbye" to the beach.

Only he spots someone out swimming where she shouldn't be swimming...and of course it's "Tarzana"! LET HER DROWN!!! But no, he rescues her and gives her a sailor suit to wear. Did a trick leave it behind? He tells her she's crazy. FINALLY! She tells him she LOVES him. Then he puts her in her car and sends her home. Is it really a good idea to put someone who just tried to kill herself behind the wheel of her car?

He tells Anne about Syndy when he visits her at her job (an art gallery). Anne is very supportive, but then he goes and spoils it all by doing something stupid like yelling at a potential art buyer and probably getting Anne fired from her job - or at least embarrassing the crap out of her! By the way, she looks pissed.

It's the next day, Parker's last before he heads back to college (he's gonna make something of his life - not just be a dumb lifeguard). Then the ABBA/Porsche guy comes by to see if he's gonna take the salesman job, and Sam says "no!"...besides there's a pervert hiding in the ladies room and somebody's got kick him out! It's tough out there for a lifeguard. Wonder if "Tarzana" made it home alright...
"Huh?" - 7 outta 10 - mostly cause of all the smokin' hot 70s man flesh. Oh, the guy pictured above isn't in the movie. Buy it today!