Tuesday, October 9, 2007


I asked my friend Danny to contribute a couple of guest reviews to my blog because our shared love for these movies. I happened to be in the very same room with Danny as he watched these treasures, so it's almost if my words are coming out of his fingers. But not quite...

A pretty woman sits fondling one strand of her somewhat pretty hair.  Then, a figure appears behind her and smashes her head against the mirror, over and over again!  At times it's so brutal the head almost looks  like a mannequin's!  Then the gloved black hand smooshes her face and grabs her eye out! ...and so begins our feature THE GORE GORE GIRLS! (1972, directed hy HG Lewis).

This is how it goes... Uhm, this Go Go girl is murdered, so saucy novice-girl reporter, Nancy Weston goes to -we're never really sure who he is or what he does- Abraham Gentry.  All we do know about him is that he uses his cane like a third hand and the cane has magical powers, like it can knock down a burly bouncer with one weak swing. 
Anyway, this Gentry guy is special too, he's like a chameleon, 'cause when we first see him he's blended into his couch so well, he needs to put on a vest so that we can see him. MAGIC!!!! 

Anyway, the newspaper hires him to solve the murders and he sets out to do just that.  Before he gets very far in his investigation, a go-go girl watches herself in the mirror as she gyrates and undulates, topless, while chewing bubble gum.  Then  the  black-clad figure appears and shoves her face in the mirror and slits her throat as she's mid bubble. 
The bubble fills with blood (actually, I thought that was kind of cool) and then the figure stabs her more and tears out her eye, then puts the eye back, then stabs the eye with the knife... I was confused.  Apparently so was the killer. 

So Nancy and Abraham show up to the murder scene before the cops and Nancy passes out at the sight of the body and Abraham walks into the dead girl's kitchen, grabs a huge can of 7-Up and pours it on her to wake  Nancy  up.  Then he goes back to the titty bar where all the waitresses are really c*nty and switch work uniforms every time they leave a table. 
We get a glimpse of our first suspect, a guy what looks like the big guy who played Bluto in the POPEYE movie.  Yeah, he sits at the bar all day smashing up fresh fruit after drawing faces on 'em.  I don't know much about detective work, but I'd say, "That's a clue! That, or he's gonna make a smoothie. 

Anyway, Abraham interviews the bartender, who get's out of his duties by uttering my favorite line of the night, "Hey, Charlie, Take over. I gotta take a shit!"  So all this exposition stuff happens, then some more go go girls are killed.  Like these two; one's ironing while making french fries (as we all do), then the black figure slits her throat and then irons her face, both the left and the right side, for an even scorch. Then mutilates the face, plays with the eye, smooshes the eye..., then there's scissors and they are applied to the nipples, where one is snipped and milk pours out and is caught in an appropriate cocktail glass, then the other is snipped and CHOCOLATE milk spews out and caught in a glass and the killer clinks the glasses together in a toast.  Then, her roommate walks in, then finds her own face in the boiling french fry grease, so hot that her eyes pop out, then (that thing with the face)... Then Mrs. Garrett comes in, sees the mutilated girls and screams, then two other older women come in and shake Mrs. Garrett to find out what she's screaming about Tootie and Blair (Not that Blair would ever do her own ironing...) and she just screams and screams.  We watched that bit four times.  I'm just wondering who these three older women were who were bunking with two stripper girls.

Oh yeah, somewhere in there, while a go-go girl is dancing,  Prudy Pingleton comes in with a group of girls, protesting the stripperness of their lives, carrying signs that I think included "Quit with tit!". 
All hell breaks loose and ANOTHER girl goes home, gets topless, takes a cucumber out of the fridge and rubs it around her face, then looks up to ask her apparently 9 foot  tall  assailant, "What are YOU doing here?"  Then the black-clad figure slits her throat, turns her over and kills her by pounding her exposed tushy with a meat tenderizer. 

Finally getting clever, Abraham convinces Henny Youngman(!) to hold an amateur stripper contest where he knows, the killer will be present, the novice reporter Nancy will get drunk and storm on to the stage and strip and get the attention of the killer, who will follow them home and try to kill Nancy, if not for winning the contest, then simply for being an annoyingly bad actress.  Which is exactly what happens.  Abraham puts drunk Nancy down on the sofa and pretends to leave.  The black-clad figure comes to kill Nancy with Acid! FROM POLAND!
As if acid weren't bad enough, it had to be FROM POLAND!

Then Abraham reveals his presence, the killer is revealed to be the c*nty waitress.  She breaks the grasp of his cane and jumps out the window, where she falls onto the street and her head is smashed under a car tire.  Then for another ten minutes, Abraham reveals the reason C*nty C*ntman was killing the girls, which I won't get into here.  Suffice it to say she was a wrestler who got burned. I think the best part about it was that Henny Youngman turned in a breakthrough performance as a sleazy strip-joint owner who tells really bad jokes.  The end!

Doug's footnote: Plus look for a cameo by Latin-American singer Vicki Carr!!! 10 out of 10 "Huh?"s for damn sure!

1 comment:

Debbie said...

I like the added photos to help illustrate the review.
Keep up the good work, guys!