THE DONNY & MARIE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

For our next Holiday-themed review - our very angry friend Danny brings us back to 1978 - when DONNY & MARIE were all the rage. Donny was all over magazine covers and Marie was on TV constantly. 29 years later - and some things haven't changed. WARNING: The opinions expressed in the following review are all DANNY'S...not DOUG'S, so any nasty emails I get will be forwarded directly to DANNY. It was really scary watching this crappy old TV special. (Editor's note: Actually it was really just an episode of their weekly ABC series). First of all, my friends and I got into the holiday spirit by trying to figure out which Osmond boy was deaf or possibly retarded.  It was REALLY hard to tell.  Most of us settled on Tom Osmond because his tongue did look a little over-sized, but I thought, "Maybe he's just a bad lip syncher..."  (Editor's note: No, actually the bad lip-syncher was Marie.)
Another scary thing was Jimmy Osmond.  We couldn't decide which lesbian he looked like most, I thought he was quite Rosie O'Donnell-ish, while some others said he looked more like Chastity Bono, but someone else nominated him "the retarded one"... I might tend to agree after seeing this pic...yeah -he's retarded alright.
 
Jimmy had a memorable solo moment when he sang "What If Jesus Came" ..."on __ ____" was added by some anonymous member of our viewing party... okay it was me! (Editor's note: DANNY not DOUG). Jimmy just walked in the snow singing.  Boring!! Until, at the end, Jesus actually came!... on __ ____! (For those of you saying I'm gonna burn in hell... I'll grab you a cappaccino on the way down!)

Then there was the usual Osmond crap, like the "men" trashing the kitchen singing a horrible medley about knowin' how to cook grub.  The worst of it came when they announced,  "...the Osmond wives will sing!"   Someone needed to explain to them there's a difference between "WILL" and "CAN". 
My favorite part was at the end of the wives' song, they throw pillows at their husbands. Well, some of the husbands have their small children in their lap and one of them wives beans the kids pretty good, possibly causing more brain damage in the Osmond clan.  I'm pretty sure we saw tears. By the end of the show we all agreed, Marie was a total c*nt. (Editor's note: Not sure what provoked this, but remember I told you that Danny was very angry!)

Well, Merry Christmas from Provo, Utah - home of retarded Osmonds, boy-child lesbians, kitchen-trashing menfolk and marginally talented wives. If I've offended anyone, I've done my job.

Editor's final note: Donny and Marie as Luke and Leia - awesome!