The Song That Dare Not Speak Its Name

I dedicate this re-post to my friend Tom who continually taunts me with this goddam piece of shit song.

Have you ever hated a song? I mean REALLY hated one particular song?

There have been, in my lifetime, a lot of songs that I didn't like, say The Macarena or Toni Basil's Mickey, for example, but I more or less was able to avoid those because they usually went away after a short while.There is currently a "song" which I find to be the most irritating earworm that I've ever heard. This wretched recording, which was released exactly one year ago today, is a huge pop hit and despite the fact that I don't listen to commercial radio, don't watch MTV and never go to danceclubs - I somehow manage to hear it at least once a day.
The shitty song in question was in heavy rotation at my gym for months, playing twice, and sometimes three fucking times during a typical 90 minute workout. Luckily, now I only hear it every other day. Or maybe I'm just not working out as often as I used to? On Facebook, so-called friends are constantly posting YouTube clips featuring the song, or updating their status with a lyric from this dreadful ditty. This begs me to ask "Who the fuck are these people and what have they done to my friends?"The 'performer' of this musical atrocity is someone who I never really cared for in films and I do not know any other song that this one-named person sings. If their other songs are anything like this thing, please keep 'em far away from me. To make things worse, this musical turd has won awards from once-reputable magazines, proving how sad the state of music is today.

Recently, several trendy new TV shows have used this atrocious tune in episodes and even before that one older, once funny sketch show had done a painful parody of the "groundbreaking" music video that came attached to this malignant melody. I think a certain someone is rolling over in his jazzy grave.

These shows have all been promptly removed from my dvr. That's how much I hate it. I haven't hated anything this much since Sarah Palin, well maybe Glenn Beck.
What puzzles me is that people who I know and like actually find the song amusing, fun and cute (?) - when to me it's like listening to a thousand pieces of chalk being dragged across the world's largest blackboard. To top it all off, the "message" of the song is offensive as well - I only wish this was still the days of women's lib where Helen Reddy fans would take to the streets protesting this sexist, mindless dreck!

Yes, I know it's only "pop music" and I should chill out and not get so worked up about it and stop being such a "hater". But you know what, if something that I don't like is forced upon me aurally, I have a right to complain! As a person who suffers from migraines, a song like this is a danger to my health.
So, I will do my best to avoid this vile and vomitous anthem–I've already managed to walk out of bars and stores in protest when I've heard it playing, and I've left at least one party prematurely and I will continue to do so in protest and in defense of good taste. I will go on hating it, hoping that the hate will spread and people will rise up an destroy every known recording of it in existence.

My biggest fear is now that this thing is part of the lexicon, I will never be able to escape it. It will be played at weddings, bat mitzvahs and probably at my funeral - and then I will rise from my grave and yell...

"Oh, Mickey, you're so fine You're so fine you blow my mind Hey, Mickey Hey, Mickey!!!"

SCAVENGER HUNT

Here's another re-post of a popular movie "review" from last year.The other night my friend Dennis brought over a VHS copy of a 1979 film called SCAVENGER HUNT (directed by Michael Schultz). So we invited a few like-minded friends over and after we hooked up our only dusty VCR, we watched it. As a fan of the brilliantly funny IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD, I'm always disappointed when other films try to copy the 'all-star cast on a quest format'. 1981's CANNONBALL RUN was an attempt to recapture the spirit, so was 2001's RAT RACE. Here the stars are smaller and the quest is sillier, and the laughs are few and far between. 

The whole she-bang starts when a kooky old game maker Mr. Parker (played by Vincent Price) dies during the opening credits, and his will states that his multitude of heirs must compete in an elaborate scavenger hunt in order to inherit his fortune. The hunt turns out to be a zany quest where the 15 potential beneficiaries must outsmart and outrace one another to inherit the big bucks!!! EIGHT IS ENOUGH star Willie Aames plays one of Vincent's nephews. He is seen here in a costume from perhaps CIRCUS OF THE STARS?

The huge cast includes a mix of 1970s character actors and TV favorites. In the spirit of competition, our viewing crew decided to call out who was still ALIVE : Richard Benjamin, Cloris Leachman, Dirk Benedict, Willie Aames, Stephanie Faracy, Richard Masur, Stuart Pankin, Stephen Furst, Arnold Schwarznegger, and Liz Torres. And who was DEAD: James Coco, Scatman Crothers, Cleavon Little, Roddy McDowall, Robert Morley , Richard Mulligan, Tony Randall, Avery Schreiber, Ruth Gordon, Pat McCormick and Carol Wayne. It looks like the DEAD team wins by one point - two if you count Vincent Price! Here's Willie again, probably from THE BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS...

I could go into details about who played who and who is on what team, but suffice to say it would be an exercise in futility – because you'll never want to watch this film for any reason other to see 19-year-old pre-Bibleman Willie Aames running around in tight Angles Flight disco slacks. (This is Dennis' fondest memory of the film). Post-BATTLESTAR GALATICA and pre A-TEAM Dirk Benedict also provides some moments of hunkiness that can be enjoyed.

But the rest of the film, with its repetitious scenes of fast food being used to entrap fat people, French maids naming toilets named 'Monclare" and its all-star ostrich wrangling is too dumb to be enjoyable. Our group did laugh a lot, but mostly at our own comments-which due to certain circumstances I can't recall right now. Our friend Danny actually had lines memorized from repeated viewings as a child. Maybe he can provide some more insight on why one should watch this movie.

The Happiest Millionaire

Here's a re-post from 2008. Enjoy. Or not.
So Big! So Romantic! So Full of Life! So What? THE HAPPIEST MILLIONAIRE is famous for being the last film that Walt Disney oversaw before his death. It was intended to be the next MARY POPPINS, but was a huge critical and box office failure. For years I've wondered about it, so I finally decided to rent it and see what all the hate is about. The film opens in 1916 Philadelphia, as John Lawless (creepy-looking Tommy Steele), an optimistic lad, is seeking employment as the butler for the wealthy Drexel-Biddle family. He is supposed to be charming, but I find him annoying - especially when he's singing "Fortuosity" repeatedly and talking directly to the camera. He's like an obnoxious human cousin to Jiminy Cricket. Next we meet the long-suffering family maid, Mrs. Worth (played by the great Hermione Baddeley, better known as Mrs. Naugatuck from MAUDE).Finally we meet our star, the scowling patriotic patriarch Anthony Drexel-Biddle, (the usually likable Fred MacMurray), who runs a bible study class and fight club in his stately manor. He also raises pet alligators and is obsessed with the Marines Corps. He's loud, opinionated and supposedly a happy millionaire.His gay-ish sons (who only appear in one scene) are very protective of their tomboy sister  Cordy (the perky Lesley Ann Warren), who announces her unconventional plans to go away to school...much to her overbearing father's disappointment.
Once away, and living on campus, Cordy begs her sassy, rogue-wearing (i.e. slutty) roommate (future MATCH GAME star Joyce Bulifant) to teach her how to flirt. As a result, she meets a dashingly ambitious young man named Angier Duke (future HOLLYWOOD SQUARES host John Davidson), who's big dream is to move to Detroit and work in the auto industry. Wasn't this also a plotline from John Waters' FEMALE TROUBLE?When Cordy and Angie's plans to wed are announed, Mr. Drexel-Biddle loses his shit, but relents after Duke kicks his ass in jujitsu.Subplots about Anthony's frozen pet alligators......the revolving-door household staff, and Anthony's desire to join the Marine Corps(even though he is clearly over 50 years of age) do nothing to advance the plot.

Angie's snobby New York mother, Mrs. Duke (Geraldine Page) is not impressed by the Drexel-Biddles. I don't blame her.There's a whole Phillie vs. New York feud thing going on - and it becomes apparent when Cordy's Aunt Mary (Gladys Cooper) has a bitchfest with Mrs. Duke  (my favorite scene so far) - and things go from bad to worse when the Duke family's wedding invitations get misplaced! When it looks like the wedding is off, the butler takes Angie out drinking at a rowdy bar populated only by singing and dancing men. A brawl ensues and Angie is arrested. Mrs. Biddle (Agnes Moorhead, um, I mean Greer Garson) is not amused. Cordy declares the wedding is off and the whole gang shows up to bail out Angie - and then the happy couple decide to elope! It all ends with Mrs. Biddle explaining to her husband that "It Won't Be Long Till Christmas" while they lament growing old - and oh yeah, Anthony get accepted to join the Marines! Whatever.

THE HAPPIEST MILLIONAIRE turns out to be a big, boisterous overblown un-magical musical about absolutely nothing! Unlike many Broadway and film musicals of this era (FUNNY GIRL or MAME, for instance), this one has barely anything in it to hold the viewers interest. Certainly children would not know to make of this - especially if they were fans of this:  I cannot imagine the average Disney fan to be enthralled by this humdrum outting. Even this comic book adaptation grasped at straws to find something entertaining about it:I think Disney wanted his own MY FAIR LADY or HELLO, DOLLY but ended up with HELLO, MY BORING LADY. Like MEET ME IN ST. LOUIS, the story is based on a true story about a stubborn father and his brood - but unlike that MGM classic, this film lacks interesting characters, enjoyable musical numbers and a compelling reason to watch it. At almost 3 hours in length, you'd think we'd get to know and care about these characters - but I found myself loathing most of them. The songs, written by Disney legends the Sherman Brothers, are not their best work and are quite unmemorable. Overall, a pretty dreary experience, considering how "Happy" this was supposed to be. So there you have it . Once again, I've watched it, so you never have to. If you do decide to check it out, watch with caution and lots of caffeine!

Joya Sherrill 1924-2010

Harvey Pekar 1939-2010

Doug's TV Time Machine: Variety Edition

Believe it or not...a new blog post!  A few months ago I began hosting informal monthly gatherings at my house where a bunch of us guys sit around watching old TV. Not just any old TV, not your run-of-the-mill TV Land reruns, but rare, odd and intriguing TV shows. I invited a select few friends and told them to bring any old, cool TV shows or clips that they might wanna share.

These nights have now been dubbed DOUG'S TV TIME MACHINE and are now just about my favorite thing in the world. Where else but in my own living room could I be entertained by gems from TV's past like these...

PINK LADY AND JEFF - The notoriously bad NBC variety series that aired on Friday nights in the spring of 1980. This six-episode concoction from the warped minds of Sid & Marty Krofft has given me more laughs over the years than just about anything. From it's deer-in-the-headlights hostesses Mie and Kei to their "round eyed" co-host Jeff Altman, this DONNY & MARIE-like hour was designed to entertain us as we laughed along with the trio as they grow accustomed to each other and their traditions. Unfortunately, the offensive pandering makes the duo (who were chart-toppers in their native Japan) seem like awkward victims of a cruel prank. My lord, they even made them wear tee-shirts with their names on them so audiences could tell them apart! Celebrity guests included Bert Parks (he must have been real big with the kids in 1980), Sherman Hemsley, Sid Caesar (another teenybopper favorite), Donny Osmond, Larry Hagman (Jeez - how did they ever get HIM?), sex monkey Greg (BJ & THE BEAR) Evigan, Hugh Hefner (WTF?), Lorne (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA) Greene, Boomer (NBC's answer to BENJI), Red Buttons, Florence ("I'll do anything as long as I get to sing" Henderson, Jerry ("Is this a telethon?") Lewis, Alice Cooper, Roy ("Pretty Woman") Orbison and Bobby ("Blue Velvet") Vinton! Ernest (Jim Varney) even shows up in a few episodes. Blondie "appears" in Episodes 1 and 4 via their videos for "Shayla" and "Eat to the Beat" as does Cheap Trick with "Dream Police". The highlight of each episode is when the gals attempt to phonetically sing popular English-language songs like "Boogie Wonderland," "You Needed Me," "Le Freak," and "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". The forced comedy moments between the duo and painfully unfunny Altman are only topped by the gratuitous hot tub scene at the close of each hour. Pure trash TV nirvana. I recall asking a girl in high school if she watched this show and her response was, "Doug, are you gay?"

A couple of notches above PINK LADY on the quality ladder is THE LOLA FALANA show. The Vegas superstar headlined a series of ABC specials during the mid-1970s which highlighted her vocal prowess and sexy body. Along with guests like Bill Cosby, Billy Dee Williams and Redd Foxx - Lola's show was the hippest place in town. Odd comedy sketches featuring Pat Morita are unwatchable, but the musical numbers featuring absolutely amazing costumes and wildly inventive choreography place these four crowd-pleasing hours up on the mantle of must-see TV. At a recent screening, even the token straight guy was yelling out "fabulous1"

Mitzi Gaynor is the queen of the TV Variety Special. I've blogged previously about the PBS special which featured clips from all her network outings. Now, thanks to a friend, I have seen two of those specials in their entirety.

Mitzi: A Tribute to the American Housewife (1974) and Mitzi...and a Hundred Guys (1975) are two incredibly entertaining hours of television. Packed with great guest stars, over-the-top costumes and brilliant dance numbers that showcase the barrel of dynamite that Mitzi was (and still is!). For my birthday tribute to Mitzi from last fall, go here.

All joking aside, Cass Elliot was a tremendous talent. From her years as a member of The Mama & The Papas to her great performance in the PUFNSTUF film - Cass was on the brink of superstardom when she tragically died. Her groovy 1969 ABC special, THE MAMA CASS TELEVISION PROGRAM featured wonderful performances by Cass and guests like Joni Mitchell and the late Mary Travers (looking beautiful here). This here is a "flower power" variety hour.

Requisite guest stars include loud-mouth comic Buddy Hackett and the then-married Martin Landau and Barbara Bain (stars of MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE and later SPACE: 1999). An odd, yet enjoyable hour.

Speaking of odd. LUCY CALLS THE PRESIDENT - more of a sitcom special than a variety special - is a strange hour indeed. Rather than revisit any of her previous Lucy characters, here Ms. Ball casts herself as Lucy Whittaker, a housewife who is expecting a visit from President Jimmy Carter. Along for the ride are familiar cohorts like Vivian Vance (sadly performing with a post-stroke slur), Gale Gordon (as a staunch Republican), Mary Jane Croft, Mary Wickes and newcomer Ed McMahon (as Lucy's husband).

There are a few genuine laughs along the way, mostly at Gale's expense, and Lucy's standby physical schtick always manages to resurface. Two other 1970s specials: LUCY GETS LUCKY (with Dean Martin) and THREE FOR TWO (with Jackie Gleason) are also curiosities best viewed with the fast forward button pressed. Lastly, in the variety category, we were treated to a 1969 episode of THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW.

This episode featured veteran World War II performers Martha Raye and Betty Grable as guests and is notable because it was the first appearance of AS THE STOMACH TURNS, the long-running soap spoof.

Oddly, the sketch was about the LAST episode of the soap, and how the show tied up it's loose ends. In the real world of 2010, CBS's AS THE WORLD TURNS will soon be ending - 40 years after Carol's "prediction". Well, that's my TV Time Machine trip for today. Our visit to the world of game shows is coming soon!

Blogger's Guilt

I'm amazed at how some bloggers are able to post something every damn day. Sure, when I was unemployed it was pretty easy. But for the past 7 months I've had a full-time job, ran a production company, attended several film festivals and managed to have somewhat of a family and social life all while from suffering from a condition called Blogger's Guilt.

The main symptom of BG is the anxiety I feel when I'm sitting in a work meeting or on set of a show I'm working on or even when I'm at home, collapsed from exhaustion on my living room floor getting my face licked by my dogs. I feel like "I wish I had the time, energy or creative where-with-all to blog about something...anything right now. But sadly, I don't."

Of course there's a million things I want to blog about. There's the all great Warner Archive Collection dvds that I've been watching, all the fun new, overpriced comic books I've been reading, all the bizarre bad movies I've forced my friends to watch with me, etc. There's also all the rants about things like: how I've managed to ignore every big Hollywood summer this summer (except for the wonderful TOY STORY 3) and how much I loathe 90% of what's on TV these days.

There's also more DOUGLAS MICHAEL SHOW interviews I want to do, more DOUGSPLOITATION DIVAS that I want to sing the praises of and I'm sure there's more SONSEED craziness that I can report on. Plus, there will always be the ever-popular celebrity death notices. Who's next??? Anita Bryant...perhaps?

So, while I attempt to get on a more regular blogging schedule, there will be a mix of reruns, shorter posts, maybe two or three parters and possibly a few surprises here and there. I'd like to thank all my regular readers who have been patient with my infrequent posts and assure them that I'm thinking of them during all of my BG attacks.  Keep your cards and letters coming! In the meantime, you can find me on my living room floor...with the dogs.