THE CHRISTMAS THAT ALMOST WASN'T should be renamed THE DVD THAT ALMOST WASN'T!!! because I ended up fast forwarding through most of it. This is a rare Italian family movie from 1966, with Italian actors, poorly dubbed into English that should remain rare for it's own good!
The plot goes something like this: aptly named Mr. Prune didn't like Christmas so he bought the North Pole and threatrened to evict Santa and his band of truly frightening elves. I found the one that looks like Rachel Dratch the most haunting. There was also a tall creepy guy in charge of the elves that sang (Oh yeah, did I tell you it's a musical?) "Gooble gaggle boogle faggle toys, boys, noise! Flit, flat, clit, blaht mysogyny rules!" For real!
Later, in order to help save Christmas, creepy Mr. Whipple (No, not that one, the accountant one) convinces Mr. Macy of Italy to let Santa work in the department store. So there's Santa selling roller skates. Wait! That was MAME. This is LAME. So Santa's job is to sit with Mr. Whipple and play with toys while singing. My favorite toy was the toy train that kept bumping into Santa's ass. I suspect it was his favorite toy, too! Soon the kids are all at the store sitting on Santa's lap, whilst Santa gives them the most frightening toys ever. In this shot Santa gives a little girl what we called the Deer Spider!! In close up you see what it really looked like ...
Yes, these are the sick & twisted toys Santa was handing out. In an effort to stop Santa, Mr. Prune tried popping balloons, but they just had more. Then he tried pouring itching powder on Santa & the kids, but he just got it on himself. So he took the next logical step...just fucking blowing up Santa and all them damn kids with dynamite under Santa's chair!!! He must REALLY hate Christmas to blow up Santa!
Fortunately, a very stern looking boy child caught Mr. Prune's eye and wiggled his finger as if to say, "nah uh, not cool." That one simple finger wiggle was enough to stop Mr. Prune from blowing up the shit out of that place. So, Mr. Prune finally buys Italian Macy's and fires Santa and Auntie Mame!!!
Then in the throes of desperation, Santa sits on a park bench in a dimly lit park. Now, I was still fast forwarding, but if I got it right, it went like this... this very adult looking 9 year old boy comes to Santa carrying a tree, (you see...he's got wood for Santa) Then, he and Santa look longingly into each other's eyes. Then, Santa takes the boy's hand and the boy gets on his knees. I figure the kid was all, "Hey, Santa, I can help you get your rent money by turning a few tricks. I'll show you how I do it..." then he starts blowing into a horn-like thing and all the kids in Italian world bring their piggy banks and give them to Santa and he pays his rent.
Wow! Christmas has been saved! Therefore it's THE CHRISTMAS THAT WAS AFTER ALL! Next year, I'm watching MAME instead.
On Doug's scale - lotsa "Huhs?", but no hugs - 4 out of 10 from Danny.
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