As the holidays draw near, it's time for a family-friendly review from my friend Danny.
It all started innocently enough with a wonderful dinner from Kung Pao Bistro, then something went horribly wrong!!!! For the next 70 minutes I was horrified to be watching THE WONDERFUL LAND OF OZ, a 1969 "sequel" to THE WIZARD OF OZ directed by Barry Mahon, also known for such classics as SANTA AND THE THREE BEARS, SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY and I WAS A MAN: THE TRUE STORY OF ANSA KANSAS, AN HERMAPHRODITE (It's true - look it up on IMDB.com).
If I was naughty as a child, surely this movie was my comeuppance!!! It was just Awful! The cardboard sets, the bad lighting, the horrible singing, the crappy story, the abominable acting and the purple papier-mache cow couldn't keep me from admitting that it was leaps and bounds better than Disney's Broadway crapfest known as TARZAN.
Anyway, this surreal movie goes beyond any description, but here goes; imagine THE BRADY BUNCH is putting on a fundraiser show in their backyard. They've chosen to do THE CRYING GAME using leftovers from Alice's old crafting night class, Carol's discarded wardrobe and costumes from an abandoned AUSTIN POWERS sequel. And since there are so many Brady kids, they have to just throw in some other characters, including the lying translator for Cindy to play. The Story, well it's the CRYING GAME , you know, for kids. Um, this kid, Pit (the writer/director's son) makes a Pumpkinhead, it scares the witch (who looks like a DAWN OF THE DEAD background actress) who uses her magic powders to bring it to life. Then they sing a song. Badly.
Then the witch tells Pit she's gonna turn him into a stone statue so he sings a song about not wanting to be a statue. Badly.
With the help of Pumpkinhead (read: African American slave), he escapes and goes to the emerald City where the gay Scarecrow rules, but the cattle call girls from the abandoned AUSTIN POWERS sequel led by a drum majorette, attack the City and take over, but regret that none of them knows how to make breakfast.
Anyhoo, Tip, his slave & gay fag friend go to the Tin Woodsman, who's getting a hot lube/rub job from some smokin' chicks, for help. Then, they meet up with Glinda who sings a random song decently, then takes them all back to the witch to get her help in finding Ozma, the princess and rightful heir to the stool, I mean throne. So the witch brings the whole crying game thing in by revealing that Tip isn't really a boy, he's Ozma, a girl! Just like Ansa Kansas, only opposite!
The wizard transexualized him so that Ozma would not be found. Glinda says she's gonna bring Ozma back and Tip is all, "But I don't wanna die!" and well, maybe the ACTUAL DIALOGUE would explain it best...
GLINDA: It is not exactly that you are going to be a girl. You're going to remain Tip. The girl is Ozma. You are not exactly Ozma now, you have grown into an adventurous boy. When I transform you,Ozma will be the girl, and Tip will be your spirit, a wonderful, adventurous spirit, that will float out into the land beyond, and become a part of every little boy.
Ozma comes back and the AUSTIN POWERS rejects go to Denny's for a hearty breakfast. Oh yeah, there was a disturbing purple cow that was late on ALL of its cues. I imagine the director (sic) saying, "Moo! That's all you have to say! One word! When he stops talking, you say "Moo!" Alright, I get that you may not be able to tell he's actually talking, but when his lips stop being slightly open, you say MOOOOOOOO!!!"
This movie should be avoided at all costs.
Doug (who watched it WITH Danny) rates this a 3 outta 10 "Huhs?". Only true OZ completists need to see it - if only to see how NOT to make an OZ film.