Saturday, November 17, 2007
So this 1979 movie starts out with an at least four-minute shot of outer space with some guy babbling endlessly about something... then suddenly we see a few shooting stars head towards Earth. I imagined the opening notes of ELO's "I'm Alive" and hoped we'd soon see 9 fabulous muses streaking across LA. Unfortunately all we get is a little town (which I dubbed Tatooine) that gets showered with stardust.
Meanwhile, at LAX Jim Davis (aka Jock Ewing from DALLAS) pulls up to the curb and greets his futuristically dressed family, which includes his wife Miss Ellie (played by Dorothy Malone of PEYTON PLACE because Barbara Bel Geddes was busy). We soon meet his annoying granddaughter Jenny (who I will call "Punky Brewster") who is visiting with her mom and dad. Dad's working on some top secret project, so he won't be spending as much time with the family.
The family drives out to the dessert, where we first see grandpa Jock's solar-powered Monsanto House of the Future. Then Jock gives Punky a pony. Punky shows her Holly Hobbie doll to the pony and it runs away. When Punky calls for her pony, it does not respond, instead she is drawn to a green glowing pyramid...which she begins to chat with about her pony! Then she hugs the pyramid and her pony reappears. What the fuck???
Meanwhile, inside the house, Jock, Dorothy, their daughter and teen-age son discover that the house has been ransacked! They suspect some local bikers...but are distracted by little Punky who wants to show them the glowing pyramid. Of course it's gone when Punky brings the family to see it. After they leave she discovers it's shrunk to the size of an Everlasting Gobstopper - so she picks it up and puts it in her pocket! Nice going, Punky!
When Punky goes to wash up for dinner a cracked mirror suddenly repairs itself! Then the lights and bathroom water turn on and off by themselves! This is the house of the future! Or is it haunted by the past? After Miss Ellie eats some corn, her and grandpa Jock stroll along in the night desert and notice a bright light in the distance. Before you know it, 2 donut-shaped UFOs zoom over their heads. They practically ignore it and head inside.
I have decided that this family is not fazed by anything.
After Punky uses the toilet and doesn't wash her hands, she sees smoke in her bedroom - followed by the appearance of a pixie-like Claymation alien. The alien does a little ballet for her and then the two of them disappear. Then the alien visits Grandma. She screams. What the fuck...again???
Then there's a small earthquake - and they realize that Punky is missing. Not to worry, they soon find her outside where she was "playing with her friend".
Doesn't faze anyone. Okay, this family is just plain creepy.
Then the family car won't turn off - until Punky tells it too. Punky's mom wants to leave, but Grandpa assures everyone that he'll protect them with his pistol. Punky is then visited by a robotic flying toaster oven that burns a hole in her bedroom wall. Punky's missing again (I think - she goes missing a few times), but Jock's still got his pistol.
Suddenly there is a battle of Ray Harryhausen dinosaur creatures outside the house. What the what the fuck???
Meanwhile, Punky's dad tries to buy gas and the attendant gives him a hard time. He eventually gives in and charges him 65 cents a gallon - talk about inflation!
Back at Tatooine, Jock and his teenage son let some horses out to distract the monsters - and then the monsters chase the horses. I'm totally NOT making this up. I swear. After that the sky is suddenly ablaze with a bad fireworks display that reminded me of Fantasmic! at Disneyland.
Okay, After the fireworks end, the house is surrounded by a bunch of damaged vehicles - a plane, a train, an automobile, a truck..all sorts of shit. Then I think there are more fireworks and some crazy slow-motion shots of Punky and Jock running towards each other super-imposed over the fireworks. I think Punky goes missing again, this time with her mom. What the friggin' fuck???
Meanwhile, after crashing his car, Punky's dad is strolling through a field of yellow flowers - then he comes across a horse - could it be one of Jock's?
Jock declares that they are stuck in a "time space warp" with "...strange things and strange creatures" - and some vortex may have taken Punky and her mom. Jock and Miss Ellie look up to see two suns in the sky - just like on Tatooine!
The family then naps, but is awakened by a giant sun - which makes a small green pyramid. Don't ask. Punky's mom reappears - and she's suddenly at peace with the universe. She starts spouting something that I swear sounds like Dianetics - and she tells everyone that Punky is safe - in fact she's with her dad.
Then everyone is reunited and they look into the horizon to see...Oz! Yes - a beautiful crystal city awaits them and their "new way of life"!
This one was also known as EARTH'S FINAL FURY - but i'd like to call it EARTH'S FINAL WHAT THE FUCKING FURY. 10 outta 10 "Huhs?"