Thanks, Dougsploitation! I'm Danny. Seeing as how this was my first surprise movie event in a while, it naturally started off as a disaster! I couldn't get my damn DVD player to work and I had to go to Plan B: the dreaded VHS!!! I put in something called PROTOTYPE X29A...
It was horribly unwatchable! Except for the hot Prototype robot costume (which accentuated a hot Prototype butt) there was nothing notable about this feature so we yanked it and recommenced fretting over the faulty DVD player. Guest viewer Tony C. was really helpful here, but everything we/he tried so valiantly just left us more confounded. Then, I realized my "portable porn player" had a cable I could attach to the TV and, VOILA! we had our original intended feature...and the reason we had calamari for lunch...MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS! Starring Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas!
Yeah, start kicking yourselves now! This movie, brought to us by the notorious folks over at THE ASYLUM, is a treat for all group movie watchers. Queue up your Netflix now! It all starts with pop 80's sensation and Playboy model Deborah Gibson... yes, she did Playboy. Yes, she did! Don't contradict me, I know what I'm talking about! 
See? It was a nice little spread... In all honesty, I thought it was cute & tasteful. Anyway, she puts on some clothes and plays Q-Bert inside a minisub while listening to whales and other sea life play instruments. 
The Sea lion played the oboe. She must have been possessed, or something like that, cause every time she handled the controls, her hand would have black fingernails and seemed very man-like, but then all normal again as she played Q-Bert.
Meanwhile, a helicopter above drops a flashy coffee thermos into the water which makes the concert go awry and all the whales skedaddle. Then Deborah thinks she hallucinates a frozen mega shark and giant octopus, so she don't say nothing about it.
Later the giant octopus angrily attacks an offshore rig in Japan, killing almost everyone onboard and the mega shark eats a plane! (Doug's note: this has got to be seen to be believed!)
Back in Long Beach, which in this movie is called" San Francisco", Deborah goes to CSI a whale washed up on the beach. She gets all Sheriff Brody and the head guy says it was done by a propeller- case closed! As a true Playboy model would, Deborah sneaks back and pulls a mega tooth fragment out of the whale. 
She calls her old professor, Dr. Old Guy and asks his opinion. He tells her it's a mega shark tooth. Then her former classmate, Asian Guy, comes to ask Dr. Old Guy about the giant eye he sketched based on the account of a giant eye witness from the rig. Dr. Old Guy says it's a giant octopus' eye. 
Lorenzo Lamas then Shanghais the trio and takes them to some super secret naval base thing. He tells them, in the most ass-holey way he can, that they need to find a way to stop these giant mega creatures. 
Speaking of which, the monsters attack subs that are lit like early 80's music videos. The Asian subs are mainly yellow with a blue complementary light, while the American subs are mainly yellow with a fuchsia complementary light.
ANYway... Deborah, Dr. Old Guy and Asian Guy spend a lot of time mixing Easter egg dye in tubes and beakers and, in the most brilliant scene in the movie, Deborah is absolutely crestfallen when she mixes blue and red and gets purple!!
To cheer her up Asian Guy says something that really turns her on and they sneak away to do "it" in a broom closet. That is all the inspiration Deborah needs! She realizes that they can lure the giant mega monsters to place that makes them easy to be captured... and they'll lure them with furry moans! Yeah, that stuff that attracts one sex to the other, unless they're gay. I think they intend on using Deborah's furry moans. And to prove it'll work, Deborah mixes a green egg dye with a yellow egg dye and it GLOWS!! That proves it! 
They lure the Mega Shark to the San Francisco bay, where he'll get stuck between two continental shelves, but things go awry in the music video subs and the plan fails. 
The shark, angry that he's not going to get it on with Deborah, eats the Golden Gate Bridge ... don't be a tease with a horny mega shark! Meanwhile, Asian Guy reports that things went wrong with the giant octopus, too, but the was no budget to show it, so we just believe him. 
After Lorenzo Lamas tells them that thousands of people have been killed, in the most ass-holey way he can, he says they're gonna nuke them. Deborah won't stand for it and suggests getting them to fight & kill each other... getting them together with her furry moans, again.
The stupid giant monsters fall for the furry moan trick again and fight each other in a quick cut, repeated shot, cgi fight. They die and Deborah & Asian Guy hook up to live in oceanic peace... until Dr. old Guy brings them another case! THE END.HERE'S THE TRAILER FOR A QUICKER RECAP:
1 comment:
I was SO happy to see Deborah Gibson finally make something of herself. ;)
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