Monday, June 15, 2009


The warm California weather has made me want to watch a beach movie.
Unfortunately THE BEACH GIRLS (1982, directed by Bud Townsend) was the only one I had handy.
The film begins as a Beach Boys knock-off song called "I Wanna Go To Paradise" plays over a montage of bikini-clad gals and guys doing beach-type activities. The corny sight-gags include a phallic hotdog being squirted with mustard,
a nun waxing up her surfboard,
 and the requisite cute dog stealing bikini tops!
Soon a black VW Beetle pulls up to Paradise Beach, and a bespectacled, nerdy, but perky young lady named Sarah (Debra Blee) pops out–
and begins unloading her groceries and luggage into a spacious beach house. 
She is shocked to see the Mexican gardener apparently urinating – but it turns out he's just watering the garden!

We soon learn that Sarah is house-sitting for her rich Uncle Carl and that she has invited slutty two classmates, a leggy man-ish blonde named Ginger (Val Kline) and a generic brunette named Ducky (Jeana Tomasina), over to keep her company for the summer. 

As the two tramps head towards to Paradise, accompanied by a song called "School is Out," we see that they are much more wild than Sarah because they are playfully chucking their school books into garbage pails along the way. Or at least trying to.
They randomly pick up a hunky blonde hitchhiker named Scott (James Daughton) and his guitar along the way. Meanwhile, we are treated to a couple of non-sexual subplots: the Coast Guard is tracking some marijuana pirates. Oh no! And an unnamed gossipy neighbor (played by TV's Mary Jo Catlett, best known as the replacement housekeeper Pearl on DIFF'RENT STROKES) begins to suspect that something's up at Uncle Carl's house.
Whorish Ginger and Ducky arrive and quickly become bored with conservative Sarah, so they decide to liven things up at the beach house by ordering a pizza and then seducing the pizza boy. 
Yes - that is a salami in his pocket. 
The party really begins when various other hot delivery folk and repairmen start arriving at their door with their big packages and greasy tools, while Scott tries to get to know prudish Sarah a bit.
A disco dance party soon gets under way with some uncomfortable close-ups of boobs, asses and clothed vaginas.
A spontaneous pool party breaks out and before you know it most of the chicks are topless, bottomless and senseless. 
As the party guests shed their inhibitions and clothing, the clumsy and horny Mexican gardener (Bert Rosario) makes several attempts to get in on the action, but always ends up getting hurt instead. 

Meanwhile Scott tries to get into uptight Sarah's pants but she is dismayed by all the partying going on in the house. He tells her to "be human." Ouch!

Nosy neighbor Mary Jo alerts the police after her peeping-tom husband calls her attention to the sexy shenanigans at Carl's. 
So then a humpy cop arrives at the party and joins in on the Ducky sports mega cameltoe in a pair of tight red trousers. 
Scott tries to get square Sarah to skinny dip with the rest of the cool kids.He tries to entice her by showing her his perfect ass.But Sarah just ain't having it. So he joins the swimmers without her.
In the middle of all this chaos, Uncle Carl (Adam Roarke) comes home–of course–and the promiscuous duo Ginger and Ducky overhear him tell Sarah that he wants everybody out tomorrow including them!!!
The girls decide to change his mind. I wonder how they'll do it?Before you know it, topless Ginger, Uncle Carl and the boom operator are spending some quality time in the sauna with the tightest rolled joint ever.

The morning after, stick-in-the-mud Sarah is annoyed that there are naked bodies all over the house. 
Dirty Ducky goes out for a tits-to-the-wind boat ride with Uncle Carl and feigns drowning to get him to give her mouth-to-mouth.
Then sweet, old Uncle Carl decides the girls can have just one more party! Yay! Thanks Uncle Carl - you're te greatest uncle ever!

Stuffy Sarah finally relents and lets and studly Scott show her a good time on the beach as "I Want the Night Time" plays.
The pot pirates from the beginning of the movie show up again and soon six garbage bags full of primo weed turn up on the beach, and those bed-hoppers Ginger and Ducky find them.
This provides the naughty girls with a nifty door prize for their party guests!
In the most ridiculous scene in this ridiculous film, some four-eyed dude turns his car into a bong by sprinkling weed in the engine and sucks on the exhaust pipe. 
Do not try this at home!
Thanks to the intrusive neighbors, Carl's fiancee Julie shows up at the house, looking for him. 
After she catches him in the sauna with the sexually liberated Ginger and Ducky, she has a quickie with the lusty police officer from the night before!

Before you know it, the Coast Guard arrives to confiscate the pot by burning it in a campfire–causing everyone to get high including Sarah who finally flashes her tits.
Mary Jo gets a contact high and then who dons a Brunhilda get-up and sings opera on the beach (becoming the proverbial "fat lady").  Therefore signaling us that it must be over soon.
Filthy whore Ducky then throws a box of explosives on the fire, enabling us to view some cheap stock footage of fireworks. Just like LOVE AMERICAN STYLE!
The End. Wow - I think I've learned my lesson, next time I'm feeling like a beach movie, I'll just take a shower instead.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Gawd, that description is hysterical! I laughed at nearly every frame. Great job. I'd see the movie...!