Sooner or Later: The Special Edition

Here's another "rerun" post from the old days (2007) -enhanced with new images!Imagine a 13-year-old Julie Kavner lookalike named Jessie. Now imagine Jessie reading a trashy romance novel in class when she's supposed to be watching a slide show about the birds and the bees. You see, Jessie's a bit mature for her age and her teacher Lynn Redgrave knows this. Lynn also knows how to put in a plug for the original BIONIC WOMAN series, which had just jumped to NBC the very season that SOONER OR LATER originally aired.After school, Jessie makes a trip to the local mall with her nerdy blonde friend (we will call her Penny Pingleton because I don't think they ever say her name!). Once at Gimbels, Hollywood relic Vivian Blaine gives Jessie a makeover that transforms her into a 16-year-old whore. Then Viv charges Jessie $10 for a jar of Pond's Cold Cream. Outside of the mall, Michael Sky (Rex Smith) his Sky Band are giving a free concert. Jessie rushes to the stage and stares at Rex with his Leif Garrett hair, Godspell suspenders and camel toe. We can tell she's already smitten.

Next up we see Jessie in her bedroom, teaching herself to play guitar. Penny thinks she sucks, and tells her to get real lessons. Oh, then Penny tells Jess how she wants to makeout with her dentist. This gives me the creeps. Especially when we see her dentist - he looks like Larry from THREE'S COMPANY. Jess decides Penny is right and takes the bus crosstown with her guitar, fending off all the mean folks who ride the bus. She arrives at the Eddie Nova Guitar Institute, where TV Land survivor Morey Amsterdam charges her $10 bucks for a guitar lesson - taught by...guess who? Michael Sky! With his lion's mane of hair, shirt wide open and ultra tight jeans, Jessie's putty in his hands. I think we learn that he's 17. Once back home, we meet Jessie's cool mom (Barbara Feldon), who we will call "99".For her second lesson , Jess decides to dress to impress and starts to tell Rex lies about herself, saying she's 16, goes to Catholic High School and likes to jog. Rex drives her home, where she wipes off here make-up in time to light some candles in an obviously Jewish ceremony. We now meet Jess's dad - Judd Hirsch from TAXI!The next day, Jess goes jogging (wearing an ascot!) as "You Take My Breath Away" by Rex Smith blares over the soundtrack. Jess meets up with Rex and pretends to twist her ankle to have him pay more attention to her. Afterwards, Rex takes his friends for a ride and we meet a slutty redhead who wants to get in Rex's pants! Later Jessie is seen putting on her makeup on the bus...and then sneaks into a crowd of high school girls so Rex will think she's as old as them when he picks her up.
At a Sky Band rehearsal, slutty redhead tells Jess that she was wondering if Rex was gay! After the rehearsal, Rex offer Jess a beer and then forces her to perform a song with him in front of all his friends. She does and they kiss!

Next, Jess is back home for a boring Jewish dinner. Grandma complains that the soup is too salty - AFTER she eats most of it! Then Judd puts in a plug for DAYS OF OUR LIVES. (wow that makes two NBC references that are both still relevant!! Editor's note: the new BIONIC WOMAN has since been cancelled) Next Judd & 99 share an uncomfortable discussion about sex and who is gonna tell Jessie all about it. Grandma then takes upon herself to tell Jessie about her love for an older boy when she was a teen. The next day, Rex asks Jess out to see MANDINGO!!! Holy shit - MANDINGO!!!

While he readies himself for a date with 99, Judd treats us all to "Sunrise, Sunset" from FIDDLER ON THE ROOF - Wow they really are Jewish! Jessie is all impatient with her parents because she wants them to leave so she can sneak out with Rex. The parents and Granny leave, and Rex picks up Jess and takes her to the drive-in. Jess nervously orders EVERYTHING from the snack bar and eats it all. They then make out and Jess tells Rex that she's loved him since the shopping mall. Rex can tell she is hiding something from him. She confesses "I'm not Catholic...and I'm 13".
Rex freaks out and drives her home. She tells him she loves him and she didn't mean to be a tease. He drives away and she proceeds to eat an entire Sara Lee chocolate cake...and cries. She really is a young Julie Kavner! Meanwhile Rex buys a beer and redhead slutty girl tries to get all up on him. He rejects her...again. The next day, Jessie is sad, 99 tries to talk to her about sex -but there's nothing this little bitch doesn't already know, after all she's seen MANDINGO! Then 99 tells her about the older boy at sleepaway camp. Hmmm...first Grandma, then 99, then Penny now Jess...all young girls LOVE older guys!!!

In the end, Morey tries to teach Jess some fancy guitar moves, but then Rex shows up at the music school wearing gold cowboy boots and proclaims that he loves her back - and then they pledge to "take it real slow"...
Wow - what an epic love story. Denise Miller is really charming as young Jessie, and the film is highly watchable, despite the underlying creepy subtext about young girls and older guys. Penny even has a framed photo of Burt Reynolds in her bedroom - and she's overjoyed when she develops a cavity -another excuse to visit her sleazy dentist!

Special thanks to Brett Freedman for lending me this dvd. I can see why he loves it so much. This one's a keeper! 10 out of 10 "Huhs".

BLOODY BIRTHDAY

For Earth Day (and my birthday week), here's something recycled from last year. Renjoy!

For my friend Tony's birthday, we got together with him and a bunch of his painfully cute friends to eat pasta and watch BLOODY BIRTHDAY, a little-known 1981 horror film directed by Ed Hunt. (The director of such gems as UFOs ARE REAL, STARSHIP INVASION and one episode of NBC's GREATEST HEROES OF THE BIBLE).    The story begins in 1970, as three babies are born during a total eclipse. Apparently when the sun and moon team up to block Saturn - any infants that a born instantly become "demon seeds" - without a conscience. Good to know.Fast forward to 1980 and the three babies have now blossomed into the brattiest kids in town. As preparations begin for their big 10th birthday party, strange things begin to happen in the town of Meadowdale or Fernwood or whatever. Think VILAGE OF THE DAMNED on a smaller scale.

First a teen-age couple are brutally killed while having poorly-lit sex in a cemetery plot, setting off a string of ghastly random and Rube Goldberg-esque deaths. Then we meet our unsavory trio : Curtis, a young Stephen Colbert lookalike; Debbie, a dead ringer for a child beauty pageant loser; and some quiet, bowl-cut blond kid who takes orders from the other two. These three madcap mini-MacGyvers manage to turn any found object (jump ropes, skateboards, shovels, baseball bats, etc.) into a murder weapon and soon the deaths begin to add up. Debbie is quite the young entrepreneur, as she charges the neighborhood boys a quarter to watch her sister Beverly (Julie Brown - who goes full T & A) dress and undress through a peep hole. Debbie's dad is the local sheriff, but not for long - as he becomes victim number two. Two constant targets of the trio's shenanigans are camel-toe sporting amateur astrologist (and sometimes school teacher) Joyce and her misunderstood little brother Timmy. The whippersnappers try to run Joyce over in a junkyard with a remote-controlled car (thanks to the bespectacled young inventor Curtis), and then try to make her seem crazy and paranoid when four-eyed Curtis makes her believe that he poisoned the birthday cake frosting with ant killer. It looks just like the Skinny & Sweet!

Daughter of acting legend Lee - Susan Strasberg of MANITOU fame- makes a brief appearance as a schoolteacher - who looks just like Andrea Thomas from ISIS, but sadly, she never gets the chance to transform into the Egyptian goddess before she's shot to death by Curtis- with the gun he stole from Debbie's dead dad. He's very clever, cause he wears glasses.There's a few other deaths, including Julie Brown's encounter with the wrong end of a bow & arrow - and another teen sex scene in bad lighting.

Overall, a pretty creepy and somewhat fun example of early 80s low-budget horror. It definitely helps to watch it with a gaggle of attractive young men. On my old scale of 10 "Huhs" - I'd give BLOODY BIRTHDAY a solid 8, just for have the moxie to show 10 year olds killing people with reckless abandon. The child acting is pretty believable, making me wonder about the trio of ten-year olds sitting at the table next to me at the Whole Foods cafe while I write this.

BLOODY BIRTHDAY (Again)

Another horror re-post for the Halloween season. For my friend Tony's birthday a few months back, we got together with him and a bunch of his painfully cute friends to eat pasta and watch BLOODY BIRTHDAY, a little-known 1981 horror film directed by Ed Hunt. (The director of such gems as UFOs ARE REAL, STARSHIP INVASION and one episode of NBC's GREATEST HEROES OF THE BIBLE). The story begins in 1970, as three babies are born during a total eclipse. Apparently when the sun and moon team up to block Saturn - any infants that a born instantly become "demon seeds" - without a conscience. Good to know.Fast forward to 1980 and the three babies have now blossomed into the brattiest kids in town. As preparations begin for their big 10th birthday party, strange things begin to happen in the town of Meadowdale or Fernwood or whatever. Think VILAGE OF THE DAMNED on a smaller scale.

First a teen-age couple are brutally killed while having poorly-lit sex in a cemetery plot, setting off a string of ghastly random and Rube Goldberg-esque deaths. Then we meet our unsavory trio : Curtis, a young Stephen Colbert lookalike; Debbie, a dead ringer for a child beauty pageant loser; and some quiet, bowl-cut blond kid who takes orders from the other two. These three madcap mini-MacGyvers manage to turn any found object (jump ropes, skateboards, shovels, baseball bats, etc.) into a murder weapon and soon the deaths begin to add up. Debbie is quite the young entrepreneur, as she charges the neighborhood boys a quarter to watch her sister Beverly (Julie Brown - who goes full T & A) dress and undress through a peep hole. Debbie's dad is the local sheriff, but not for long - as he becomes victim number two. Two constant targets of the trio's shenanigans are camel-toe sporting amateur astrologist (and sometimes school teacher) Joyce and her misunderstood little brother Timmy. The whippersnappers try to run Joyce over in a junkyard with a remote-controlled car (thanks to the bespectacled young inventor Curtis), and then try to make her seem crazy and paranoid when four-eyed Curtis makes her believe that he poisoned the birthday cake frosting with ant killer. It looks just like the Skinny & Sweet!

Daughter of acting legend Lee - Susan Strasberg of MANITOU fame- makes a brief appearance as a schoolteacher - who looks just like Andrea Thomas from ISIS, but sadly, she never gets the chance to transform into the Egyptian goddess before she's shot to death by Curtis- with the gun he stole from Debbie's dead dad. He's very clever, cause he wears glasses.There's a few other deaths, including Julie Brown's encounter with the wrong end of a bow & arrow - and another teen sex scene in bad lighting.

Overall, a pretty creepy and somewhat fun example of early 80s low-budget horror. It definitely helps to watch it with a gaggle of attractive young men. On my old scale of 10 "Huhs" - I'd give BLOODY BIRTHDAY a solid 8, just for have the moxie to show 10 year olds killing people with reckless abandon. The child acting is pretty believable, making me wonder about the trio of ten-year olds sitting at the table next to me at the Whole Foods cafe while I write this.

Spooky Food

Boo!

SOONER OR LATER

Imagine a 13-year-old Julie Kavner lookalike named Jessie. Now imagine Jessie reading a trashy romance novel in class when she's supposed to be watching a slide show about the birds and the bees. You see, Jessie's a bit mature for her age and her teacher Lynn Redgrave knows this. Lynn also knows how to put in a plug for the original BIONIC WOMAN series, which has just jumped to NBC the very season that SOONER OR LATER originally aired.

After school, Jessie makes a trip to the local mall with her nerdy blonde friend (we will call her Penny Pingleton because I don't think they ever say her name!). Once at Gimbels, Hollywood relic Vivian Blaine gives Jessie a makeover that transforms her into a 16-year-old whore. Then Viv charges Jessie $10 for a jar of Pond's Cold Cream. Outside of the mall, Michael Sky (Rex Smith) his Sky Band are giving a free concert. Jessie rushes to the stage and stares at Rex with his Leif Garrett hair, Godspell suspenders and camel toe. We can tell she's already smitten.

Next up we see Jessie in her bedroom, teaching herself to play guitar. Penny thinks she sucks, and tells her to get real lessons. Oh, then Penny tells Jess how she wants to makeout with her dentist. This gives me the creeps. Especially when we see her dentist - he looks like Larry from THREE'S COMPANY.

Jess decides Penny is right and takes the bus crosstown with her guitar, fending off all the mean folks who ride the bus. She arrives at the Eddie Nova Guitar Institute, where TV Land survivor Morey Amsterdam charges her $10 bucks for a guitar lesson - taught by...guess who? Michael Sky! With his lion's mane of hair, shirt wide open and ultra tight jeans, Jessie's putty in his hands. I think we learn that he's 17. Once back home, we meet Jessie's cool mom (Barbara Feldon), who we will call "99".

For her second lesson , Jess decides to dress to impress and starts to tell Rex lies about herself, saying she's 16, goes to Catholic High School and likes to jog. Rex drives her home, where she wipes off here make-up in time to light some candles in an obviously Jewish ceremony. We now meet Jess's dad - Judd Hirsch from TAXI!

The next day, Jess goes jogging (wearing an ascot!) as "You Take My Breath Away" by Rex Smith blares over the soundtrack. Jess meets up with Rex and pretends to twist her ankle to have him pay more attention to her. Afterwards, Rex takes his friends for a ride and we meet a slutty redhead who wants to get in Rex's pants! Later Jessie is seen putting on her makeup on the bus...and then sneaks into a crowd of high school girls so Rex will think she's as old as them when he picks her up.

At a Sky Band rehearsal, slutty redhead tells Jess that she was wondering if Rex was gay! After the rehearsal, Rex offer Jess a beer and then forces her to perform a song with him in front of all his friends. She does and they kiss!

Next, Jess is back home for a boring Jewish dinner. Grandma complains that the soup is too salty - AFTER she eats most of it! Then Judd puts in a plug for DAYS OF OUR LIVES. (wow that makes two NBC references that are both still relevant!!) Next Judd & 99 share an uncomfortable discussion about sex and who is gonna tell Jessie all about it. Grandma then takes upon herself to tell Jessie about her love for an older boy when she was a teen. The next day, Rex asks Jess out to see MANDINGO!!! Holy shit - MANDINGO!!!

While he readies himself for a date with 99, Judd treats us all to "Sunrise, Sunset" from FIDDLER ON THE ROOF - Wow they really are Jewish! Jessie is all impatient with her parents because she wants them to leave so she can sneak out with Rex. The parents and Granny leave, and Rex picks up Jess and takes her to the drive-in. Jess nervously orders EVERYTHING from the snack bar and eats it all. They then make out and Jess tells Rex that she's loved him since the shopping mall. Rex can tell she is hiding something from him. She confesses "I'm not Catholic...and I'm 13".

Rex freaks out and drives her home. She tells him she loves him and she didn't mean to be a tease. He drives away and she proceeds to eat an entire Sara Lee chocolate cake...and cries. She really is a young Julie Kavner! Meanwhile Rex buys a beer and redhead slutty girl tries to get all up on him. He rejects her...again. The next day, Jessie is sad, 99 tries to talk to her about sex -but there's nothing this little bitch doesn't already know, after all she's seen MANDINGO! Then 99 tells her about the older boy at sleepaway camp. Hmmm...first Grandma, then 99, then Penny now Jess...all young girls LOVE older guys!!!

In the end, Morey tries to teach Jess some fancy guitar moves, but then Rex shows up at the music school wearing gold cowboy boots and proclaims that he loves her back - and then they pledge to "take it real slow"...

Wow - what an epic love story. Denise Miller is really charming as young Jessie, and the film is highly watchable, despite the underlying creepy subtext about young girls and older guys. Penny even has a framed photo of Burt Reynolds in her bedroom - and she's overjoyed when she develops a cavity -another excuse to visit her sleazy dentist!

Special thanks to Brett Freedman for lending me this dvd. I can see why he loves it so much. This one's a keeper!
10 out of 10 "Huhs".