HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH

In the tradition of BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS and TROLL 2 (sequels that have absolutely nothing to do with the original), comes HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982, Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace) a sci-fi / horror film and the third installment in the popular HALLOWEEN series - but intended to be the first in an annual anthology series, releasing a new storyline every year around Halloween. So rather that continue the story of madman slasher Michael Myers, this oddball entry focuses on an evil scheme by the wacky owner of the Silver Shamrock Halloween mask company to pull a giant prank on Halloween night by controlling all of America's children through a trio of masks - a witch face, a pumpkin head, and a skull. The only mention of the previous HALLOWEEN films a scene where the trailer for the original film is seen on a TV set.
The story goes like this: a week before Halloween, a costume shop owner named Harry is being stalked by gang of dudes wearing business suits. Harry seeks shelter at a service station, but eventually collapses - in his hand is a Silver Shamrock pumpkin head mask. The gas station attendant transports Harry to hospital. Harry warns him "They're gonna kill us. All of us."

We are then treated to the first of many Silver Shamrock Halloween mask TV commercials. Sung to the tune of "London Bridge is Falling Down," the ad counts down the days until Halloween, encouraging child viewers to buy a new Silver Shamrock mask: "Eight more days 'til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Eight more days 'til Halloween, Silver Shamrock!" Their advertising budget must have been astronomical!
Next we meet Dan Challis, a hard drinking deadbeat dad who is also a brilliant doctor. Harry is hospitalized, but that doesn't last long, because his first visitor rips his head apart, killing him instantly. And it wasn't even visiting hours! The mystery head-ripper then goes to his car, where he drenches himself with gasoline and explodes. Ka-boom! Enter Harry's young daughter Ellie, who looks like a cross between singers Pat Benatar, Toni Basil and HAPPY DAYS' Joanie Cunningham. Ellie and the dirty doc soon team up to figure out what happened to Harry. Dr. Dan needs a drink.All clues seem to point to Santa Mira, CA, where Harry was last seen. The sleepy town is also the headquarters of the Silver Shamrock Novelty company. Surely Dan is disappointed that there is no happy hour in this town.The duo check into the local hotel, where Harry stayed right before he died. When Ellie insists on one room, Dan starts to get ideas about her.They soon learn Conal Cochran (who I swore they called "Colonel Cockring" ) and his mask factory are the sole source of income for Santa Mira. Meanwhile, booze hound Dan keeps calling his flirty Shelly Long lookalike friend who works in the hospital morgue to check if she's found anything the the ashes of the exploded car. This happens about three times.
Suddenly the movie becomes NATIONAL LAMPOON'S HALLOWEEN when we meet the other guests of the hotel: loudmouth Marge Guttman and the Buddy and Betty Kupfer and their son Little Buddy. They are all there to order new masks for Halloween - which is now only days away!!!Later, Dan and Ellie have sex. Ewwwww. The next day, the group gets a tour the Silver Shamrock factory and meet Mr. Burns, er Col. Cockring, er Cochran. All of Mr. C's workers seem to be young white men dressed in suits. Turns out Harry's car is being stored in the basement of the factory.
After Ellie is kidnapped by the men in suits, Dan sneaks into the factory, where he learns that Mr. C.'s henchmen are actually robots! What? Soon Dan is captured too and Mr. C. reveals that the Silver Shamrock logo on the inside of the rubber masks contain a device that is powered by a crumb of Stonehenge! Seriously.
When final Silver Shamrock TV commercial airs simultaneously on all three networks on Halloween, the device will activate, causing the childrens' heads to dissolve and emitting both crickets and snakes. Happy Halloween!
I don't want to spoil it, but in the end Dan manages to escape, rescue Ellie, and sabotage Mr. C's plans. Lots of things go boom and Halloween is saved from the Grinch. A surprise twist ending causes one to yell "what the fuck?" to the TV screen elevates this flick to an 7 outta 10. My biggest disappointment is that there's no witch anywhere in the film, except for the rubber mask...shouldn't it have been subtitled SEASON OF THE MASK?

Mickey Rooney is THE MANIPULATOR

Here's a post from 2008 - in honor of the late Mr. Rooney. Ever wonder what it would be like if Sid & Marty Krofft produced Stephen King's MISERY? Well, 1971's THE MANIPULATOR (aka BJ LANG PRESENTS) is a pretty close approximation of what it might look like.It all starts innocently enough on a rainy night, when we see a dark figure in a hat and raincoat walking on a dark city street accompanied by standard 1970s TV-movie theme music followed by the opening titles "Mickey Rooney...Luana Anders...THE MANIPULATOR". A fancy old car then pulls up to a warehouse and Mickey exits sporting his YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS beard. He then gets into a freight elevator as flashes of random Fellini-like horrors begin. This is when we start to know this is no ABC Movie of the Week.

Mickey walks by what looks like a dusty animal carcass and climbs up a ladder into what looks like a Hollywood prop house. He then sits in an old leather chair, takes off his rose-tinted sunglasses and begins talking to himself as if he is various members of a film crew. Okay. He chats with a mannequin named "Wally" in a what could be a scene from ANDY HARDY HAS A COMPLETE MENTAL BREAKDOWN-decides to "put on a show!!!" Too bad Judy wasn't around to help out!

So Mickey begins to describe the upcoming scene to his imaginary "cast & crew". He calls "action!" and turns on a strobe light, imagining a pair of nude elderly actors dancing in the spotlight as he shouts the lyrics to "Chattanooga Choo Choo" at them. Then he showers the naked old folks with flowers. HUH??? The old people soon disappear, then Mickey pulls back a curtain and screams - and a real woman (Luana Anders) screams back at him. She's his "star", Carlotta - and she's hungry. In fact she asks him for food repeatedly. Turns out she's his prisoner and he has her tied to a wheelchair - and it's time for her lunch! Mickey then feeds her water from a silver chalice and baby food from a jar. Classy.

So then we learn that Carlotta has been cast as Roxanne (the Daryl Hannah role) in BJ Lang's film version of CYRANO DE BERGERAC. While Mickey is feeding her, she bites his finger and tells him that she's grateful for his kindness to her. Then he yells at some "crew members" and rolls in a huge spotlight followed by a (believe it or not) a fast-motion dance with a broomstick intercut with insert shots of a growling wild animal. Very Krofft-like. Meanwhile, Carlotta unties herself. Run like the wind, girl, run!!!

I guess she didn't run cause Mickey then shows up in drag make-up...and whispers to Charlotte about when he used to make up Marilyn's eyes. Then her gets all femme as he applies Carlotta's Roxanne make-up. This is a very disturbing scene. What would Judy say???

Mickey hears some cackling laughter in his head and is now sporting a really fake Witchie-Poo type Cyrano nose. I guess he's the director AND star of this production! Then he pushes Carlotta's wheelchair head-on into a mirror and demands that she recite her lines from the balcony scene. Then he yells at the thunder outside to be "quiet". Huh?After playing with some color gels, Mickey gives a pep talk to his imaginary background players (actually a collection of broken mannequins). Then he forces Carlotta to act out a scene - he calls "cut!!!" and breaks into another "Chattanooga Choo Choo" performance. Jesus - please make it stop!!! Then he tells her all about "fear" as he pretends to choke her. That's when I decide that ANDY HARDY MUST DIE!!!

So, Mickey calls "action!!!" again and they act out their big scene and unseen crowds roar with applause and "bravos!" Carlotta then tells him that the audience LOVES him. What follows next is the most bizarre scene in the film - We see a naked baby walking around a cocktail party where we also see the usual assortment of late 60s/early 70s "freaks" - you know - nudists, drag queens, Ruth Gordon-type old ladies, more nudists, pot-smokers, hippies, sex maniacs and others eating Saltine crackers with spinach dip and tripping out on acid. This all culminates with a giant orgy where Mickey is caressed by both women and men...and the naked baby is in the middle of it all!!! Really...I ask again...WHAT would Judy say???

While preparing for his big "duel" scene, Mickey suddenly collapses and Carlotta begs him NOT to die. Huh? She gets herself free and begins kicking the shit out of him. Why doesn't she just RUN??? Of course he manages to pin her down and kiss her! What a MANIPULATOR! Carlotta then begins running in very slow motion down a looooonnnnnggggg hallway while crazy electronic special effects music plays. Soon Mickey leaps out at her with his Cyrano sword. She decides to hide behind some sheer curtains. Smart girl, that Carlotta.

Then Mickey chases her through the mannequin display - and she attacks him with the spotlight. Carlotta then continues to run through the prop house through what looks like a combo wardrobe department and meat locker. She then crawls around the catwalk as Mickey hollers out orders to his "film crew"...and he once again breaks into song - yes, that's right - "Chattanooga Choo Choo" for the third fucking time!!! I beg of you....Please make it stop...please!!!! I will never listen to that song the same way again. Actually, I will never listen to that song again, PERIOD.

As Carlotta continues to navigate her way through the wardrobe, she suddenly stumbles upon "guest star" character actor Keenan Wynn - who Mickey stabs with his sword and kills. I guess it was just a cameo. Suddenly we're in a slaughterhouse, where a string quartet entertains both women in furs and butchers wearing bloody aprons as Carlotta dances for them all. I just can't say "huh?" anymore - I'm totally exhausted.

Mickey tells Carlotta he'll let her go if she tells him that she loves him. She doesn't - but he lets her go anyway. Okay, HUH? She then runs through the damn wardrobe again!!! She climbs down the ladder into the freight elevator...but she can't figure out how to open the door - so she just slams herself against the walls till it opens. Oh my god...I can't take much more of this.

Finally - Carlotta runs out into the rain - and locks herself in his car!!! She starts blowing the horn as Mickey pounds on the car windows - finally smashing the window with a trash can. He unlocks the door. Fade to: she's back inside with him. They kiss - and she laughs. This drives him CRAZY. I mean REALLY CRAZY. Then everyTHING around him begins to laugh. Mannequins, dead animals, boxes, jars of Vicks VapoRub, Chia Pets, etc. Then she starts yelling "No!!! No!!! No!!!" at him and he recites the final lines from CYRANO - and she actually looks at him... LOVINGLY!!!

Then he stabs himself with the sword and dies. She hears applause and takes a bow. The End. After the end credits we see Mickey's sped-up dance with the broom again. I almost expected Pufnstuf to show up and join in. The End for real.

Holy Shit! I really think Mickey thought he was gonna get an Oscar for this "brave" film role. I'm just surprised he ever worked again after it!!! This movie needs to be seen just to show how an actor's ego can lead to bad film choices. I do have to say that Luana Anders was truly compelling as Carlotta - and I look forward to seeing some of her other films. Sadly, she passed away in 1996.

The film really rates a 10 outta 10 - but only deserves 2 outta 10 because by the end you just feel so beat up, mentally drained and MANIPULATED from watching it. Wonder who that poor nude baby at the orgy grew up to be? Jimmy Osmond?

Ruby

Here's a re-post from 2009... My friend Jeff came by recently to treat me to a movie called RUBY (1977, directed by the late great, underrated Curtis Harrington). This is a film that I've been dying to see for ages, but for some reason or another I never did. Well, I'm glad to say, RUBY was worth the wait!

RUBY stars the awesome Piper Laurie (best known as CARRIE's mother and a star of David Lynch's TV classic TWIN PEAKS) in the role of a lifetime. Marketed as a horror film to capitalize on Laurie's CARRIE success, RUBY is more of a "slightly less than grand" guignol melodrama with some thrilling and hysterical twists. Harrington's other big films, the Shelley Winters double feature WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HELEN? and WHOEVER SLEW AUNTIE ROO? are camp classics and his TV films HOW AWFUL ABOUT ALLAN  and DEVIL DOG: HOUND FROM HELL are also fun. I also recently watched THE KILLING KIND and look forward to seeing the rest of his work. I'm never disappointed by Curtis Harrington!

In RUBY, Harrington blends elements of SUNSET BOULEVARD, BONNIE & CLYDE and THE EXORCIST and it somehow all works! As Ruby, a former moll who runs a dying drive-in theater, Laurie not only chews the scenery - she practically digests it!!! This woman is having a great time onscreen, and you can't help but love her.

I don't want to give too much away because I think people need to see RUBY, but take a gander at the trailer and I'm sure you'll be seeking out RUBY before too long.

Seeing that just made me just wanna watch it again...and again. This is what movies should be like.

THE BEGUILED

After Clint Eastwood's puzzling appearance at the RNC the other night, here's a post from 2008 harking back to the days of a kinder, gentler, saner Clint.
Part Civil War epic, part baroque melodrama, part dirty soap opera, part gothic horror movie, part gender politics study and part Brothers Grimm fairy tale: THE BEGUILED (directed by Don Siegel) stars Clint Eastwood in his most intriguing and unusual role since he was elected mayor of Carmel, Ca.

After the requisite montage of real Civil War atrocities via sepia-tinted black and white photos...we arrive somewhere in Louisiana during the last days of the Civil War. Eastwood is John McBurney, a Yankee soldier who is near death after falling out of a tree. My guess is that he was hiding up there when he was shot.

A 12 year old girl named Amy (Pamelyn Ferdin, Edna Unger from TV's ODD COUPLE) is out picking mushrooms and discovers his severely wounded body. They talk, exchange names and cell phone numbers, and just before the girl helps him to stand, he tells her she's "old enough to kiss a man" and pulls her down beside him and gives her a long, hard kiss on the mouth. Huh??? She's confused, but happy. I'm confused and kinda grossed out. She then drags him to the mansion on a old plantation that serves as an all-girls school, where "McB" slowly regains his health under the care of sexually repressed headmistress Martha Farnsworth (Geraldine Page) and the horny girl students who live there. Sort of like when Blair first dragged Jo back to the Eastland school where sexually repressed Mrs. Garrett welcomed her with open arms.

Martha puts her skeptical slave Hallie in charge of washing him...above and below the waist! We are treated to hints of incest when Hallie dresses him in Martha's brother's shirt. Afraid of being turned over to the rebel forces, McB behaves like a polite and appreciative guest, after all he is a Quaker! As he gets healthier, he begins to charm (or beguile if you may) the love-starved students.

Soon the girls begin to vie for his affections, at first we think he's actually falling for virginal teacher Edwina (Elizabeth Hartman), but he seems to be inspiring jealousy among some of the others. This reminds me of Tatum O'Neal and Kristie McNichol both going after Matt Dillon in LITTLE DARLINGS. When one of the spurned girls tries to turn McB over to the Confederate army, Martha comes to his defense, claiming that he's her cousin from Texas. When McB tries to "thank" the headmistress for offering him a permanent residence at the school as the groundskeeper (replacing her brother) we witness a full flashback of Martha and and her lusty sibling getting it on. Donny and Marie Osmond they are not!

Following this we are then treated to Martha's wine-induced dream sequence, an eerie montage of McB frolicking with both Martha and Edwina, ending with a lesbian-tinged three-way that transforms itself into a painting of The Pieta. I swear...McB then gets to suck the nipple of one of the slutty girls - teenaged hussy Carol - leading to a an altercation with an enraged Edwina which ends with McB at the foot of the long circular staircase with a newly re-wounded leg. The battle of the sexes has begun!

SPOILERS START HERE. Martha has the girls harness him up and tie him to the dining room table- and announces that she plans to cut off his leg before it becomes infected with gangrene. What follows is some pretty brutal stuff, involving blood, knives, a saw, bloody hands, sweat, facial close-ups, more blood, blurry faces, a sweaty slave, more blood - you name it...

Clint flips out when he wakes up the next day without a leg, and he's now a prisoner rather than a welcomed guest. Amy tells McB that she loves him and he loves her back. I think she's 13 now. Somehow McB gets his hands on a gun - and now he has the upper hand...but only one leg!

After he threatens Hallie, we flashback to her being raped by Martha's brother. Charming fellow. McB then discovers the wine cellar, then he interrupts the girl's lunch with a drunken rant...and news that he has discovered love letters between Martha and her brother! When Amy tries to lighten things up, he flings her pet turtle across the room, killing it!!! Huh? After this hysteria, Martha convinces sweet, innocent Amy to put down the bloody turtle and gather up some yummy mushrooms for the evening's dinner.

At dinner, McB apologizes for his drunken behavior, leads the table in prayer and and announces his intention to marry Edwina, but it is too late...he's been poisoned by Amy's mushrooms!!! Clint realizes this and slowly gets up from the table and struggles to leave the room. Martha demands that the girls leave him be and finish their dinner. They do. He tumbles to the ground off camera and dies. Next the girls wrap up his body and carry it outside the gate to dump it. The end.

This movie is brilliant. I'm not much of an Eastwood fan, but between this and PLAY MISTY FOR ME, I gotta say - he really knew how to pick 'em back them. Great acting from Clint, Page and Hartman also set this film apart from the pack. THE BEGUILED gets a big 10 outta 10 in my book. In an odd coincidence, two of the actresses, Elizabeth Hartman and Geraldine Page, died in the same week. Hartman died on June 10, 1987 after jumping out of an 5-story window in an apparent suicide. Page died on June 13, 1987 of a heart attack. Sad.

PRIVATE PARTS

More goodies from the past...circa 2009...
I've heard and read about PRIVATE PARTS (1972, directed by Paul Bartel) for years. I knew the late Mr. Bartel from his modest art house hits EATING RAOUL and SCENES FROM THE CLASS STRUGGLE IN BEVERLY HILLS as well as his camp classics DEATH RACE 2000 and LUST IN THE DUST, but somehow PRIVATE PARTS managed to escape me.When my friend Jeff brought over the dvd a few weeks ago and showed me the trailer, I knew that we'd soon have to get together to watch it - and I'm so glad we did. This is MY kinda Friday night flick.
The story goes like this: runaway teen Cheryl (cute and perky Ayn Ruymen) and her best friend Judy (munchkin-faced Ann Gibbs) are living in dumpy L.A. apartment. When Judy catches Cheryl watching her and her latest suitor Mike having filthy, dirty sex, Cheryl takes off (with Judy’s wallet) and winds up downtown at the rundown King Edward Hotel - where her eccentric Aunt Martha (the terrific Lucille Benson, later on BOSOM BUDDIES) lives and manages the building. Uncle Orville and her daughter have gone to live with Jesus, so Cheryl is her only family.

Martha agrees to let Cheryl to stay at the hotel temporarily, and we soon meet the madcap residents of the dilapidated building - including a perverted priest named Rev. Moon (Disney mainstay Laurie Main), a crazy old lady named Mrs. Quigley (Dorothy Neumann), who is looking for a girl named “Alice” and a quiet weirdo named George (John Ventantonio), who we later learn is an avant garde photographer.Aunt Martha's hobby is attending funerals of strangers to photograph their souls leaving their bodies, oh and she has a white pet rat named "Whitey". When Martha goes out funeral-hopping one afternoon and locks Cheryl in the apartment, things start to get a little weird. First Cheryl accidentally kills Whitey and then shoves him down the food disposal. Yikes! Then she sneaks out of the apartment and explores the building (much like Alice in Wonderland) and we learn various things about the building and the people that dwell there.

For instance, Rev. Moon has a collection of male physique pin-ups, Mrs. Quigley sunbathes in her apartment and George has a shrine devoted to the mysterious "Alice".

When friend Judy's hunky blond boyfriend Mike (Len Travis) shows up looking for Cheryl, his visit is abruptly cut short when he loses his head. Literally. Then Judy shows up looking for Mike and she soon meets her maker as well.Meanwhile, oblivious to all this bloodshed, Cheryl befriends a cute, but nerdy hardware store worker named Jeff (MY THREE SONS star Stanley Livingston).

Jeff seems romantically interested in Cheryl but she is somewhat intrigued by the mysterious George, who has now began pursuing her in a stalker-ish kind of way.

Lots of crazy stuff follows, but I would not want to spoil it here, because I cannot recommend PRIVATE PARTS any more highly.

But suffice to say, there's some kinky stuff that happens involving Cheryl in a bedazzling Spider-Woman costume, a scene involving blood injected into a sex doll and a there's shocking twist end that it's not too much of a shock if you watch the trailer first. So don't.

To me, Paul Bartel has created an almost perfect black comedy and a terrifically twisted horror film all in one. Composer Hugo Friedhofer's amazing score brings to mind the great Bernard Herrmann / Hitchcock collaborations and helps elevate the whole affair to another level.

This film gets a 10 outta 10. Enjoy!

Alone in the Dark

Another repost from 2009...

My friend Tony invited me over to watch ALONE IN THE DARK (1982, directed by Jack Sholder), an all-star slasher film with over-the-top performances by two future Oscar winners–Jack Palance and Martin Landau!

The story goes like this: the weird guy from the A-TEAM (not Mr. T, but Dwight Schulz) is Dr. Potter, who takes a job at an insane asylum that looks like Wayne Manor and moves his family into a new, big, pretty white house. 

His wife (Deborah Hedwall) kinda looks like the mom from E.T. and his daughter (Elizabeth Ward) looks like some kind of alien crossbred with Dick Cheney. 

His "punky" sister Toni (Lee Taylor-Allan) soon pays a visit with her horrible mismatched outfits, lazy fake hair coloring and her love for reggae. She even asks if they know any Rastafarians. What the fuck?"Yeah Toni, we just bought this big new white house in the middle of Whitesville and by the way, we have Rastafarians for neighbors."

Donald Pleasance is Potter's boss, who explains that the four most deranged inmates get their own wing of the hospital behind electric doors. The four include a weapons-crazed lunatic named Hawks (Palance), a preacher named Sutcliff (Landau) who likes to burn down occupied churches, ‘Fatty’ (Erland Van Lidth from THE WANDERERS), who rapes children, and “The Bleeder,” a guy who gets really bad nosebleeds, so he hides his face.

I called them "The Fanatic Four". There's also another doctor who looks like Barbra Streisand in her MAIN EVENT fright wig. At this point I wish Babs had recorded a theme song for the film.

Speaking of music, Toni takes the Potters to see a bad 80s new-wave/punk band called The Sic Fucks-who perform a few songs and make Potter crazy. They are about as punky as Punky Brewster.

So then suddenly there's a blackout all over town–hence the movie's title, and the lunatics kill the first black guy they see–a hospital worker who looks like the dude from POLICE ACADEMY who makes noises with his mouth. Panic ensues in the community and soon people are looting and starting fires.

They are stealing everything from folding tables to cardboard sets from the local childrens' theater. 

Oddly, they avoid looting the local Radio Shack. The Fanatic Four are able to gather weapons from a sporting goods store and they immediately head towards Dr. Potter’s house – believing that he killed his predecessor at the nuthouse. Sure, why not?

Meanwhile Potter's sister Toni convinces Mrs. Potter to attend a "No Nukes" rally with her. They both wind up in jail, where Toni picks up a hunky dude. The alien/Cheney daughter comes home from school to find "Fatty" waiting for her. Uh-oh.

The babysitter named Bunky (Carol Levy) soon comes over, puts Cheney to bed and invites her skinny boyfriend over to fuck her. The boyfriend gets pulled under the bed and Bunky gets to play Russian Roulette with a knife through the mattress. Fun!

After the Potters come home to find no baby sitter, they invite a black cop to join them for dinner and of course, he ends up dead. Big surprise.The family is held captive in their own house by the nutjob quartet, and the handsome guy that Toni picks up at the rally turns out to be...I'm not telling, but we saw it coming from a mile away.

There's a few small frights here and there, but overall a pretty tame thriller. Maybe if I was actually "alone in the dark" while watching it, it might have frightened me more. It's enjoyable mostly for the bad fashions and the scenery chewing that Jack and Martin seem to be doing. It's almost like they were in a competition to top one another. I'd give it a 6.5 outta 10.