HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH

In the tradition of BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS and TROLL 2 (sequels that have absolutely nothing to do with the original), comes HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982, Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace) a sci-fi / horror film and the third installment in the popular HALLOWEEN series - but intended to be the first in an annual anthology series, releasing a new storyline every year around Halloween. So rather that continue the story of madman slasher Michael Myers, this oddball entry focuses on an evil scheme by the wacky owner of the Silver Shamrock Halloween mask company to pull a giant prank on Halloween night by controlling all of America's children through a trio of masks - a witch face, a pumpkin head, and a skull. The only mention of the previous HALLOWEEN films a scene where the trailer for the original film is seen on a TV set.
The story goes like this: a week before Halloween, a costume shop owner named Harry is being stalked by gang of dudes wearing business suits. Harry seeks shelter at a service station, but eventually collapses - in his hand is a Silver Shamrock pumpkin head mask. The gas station attendant transports Harry to hospital. Harry warns him "They're gonna kill us. All of us."

We are then treated to the first of many Silver Shamrock Halloween mask TV commercials. Sung to the tune of "London Bridge is Falling Down," the ad counts down the days until Halloween, encouraging child viewers to buy a new Silver Shamrock mask: "Eight more days 'til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Eight more days 'til Halloween, Silver Shamrock!" Their advertising budget must have been astronomical!
Next we meet Dan Challis, a hard drinking deadbeat dad who is also a brilliant doctor. Harry is hospitalized, but that doesn't last long, because his first visitor rips his head apart, killing him instantly. And it wasn't even visiting hours! The mystery head-ripper then goes to his car, where he drenches himself with gasoline and explodes. Ka-boom! Enter Harry's young daughter Ellie, who looks like a cross between singers Pat Benatar, Toni Basil and HAPPY DAYS' Joanie Cunningham. Ellie and the dirty doc soon team up to figure out what happened to Harry. Dr. Dan needs a drink.All clues seem to point to Santa Mira, CA, where Harry was last seen. The sleepy town is also the headquarters of the Silver Shamrock Novelty company. Surely Dan is disappointed that there is no happy hour in this town.The duo check into the local hotel, where Harry stayed right before he died. When Ellie insists on one room, Dan starts to get ideas about her.They soon learn Conal Cochran (who I swore they called "Colonel Cockring" ) and his mask factory are the sole source of income for Santa Mira. Meanwhile, booze hound Dan keeps calling his flirty Shelly Long lookalike friend who works in the hospital morgue to check if she's found anything the the ashes of the exploded car. This happens about three times.
Suddenly the movie becomes NATIONAL LAMPOON'S HALLOWEEN when we meet the other guests of the hotel: loudmouth Marge Guttman and the Buddy and Betty Kupfer and their son Little Buddy. They are all there to order new masks for Halloween - which is now only days away!!!Later, Dan and Ellie have sex. Ewwwww. The next day, the group gets a tour the Silver Shamrock factory and meet Mr. Burns, er Col. Cockring, er Cochran. All of Mr. C's workers seem to be young white men dressed in suits. Turns out Harry's car is being stored in the basement of the factory.
After Ellie is kidnapped by the men in suits, Dan sneaks into the factory, where he learns that Mr. C.'s henchmen are actually robots! What? Soon Dan is captured too and Mr. C. reveals that the Silver Shamrock logo on the inside of the rubber masks contain a device that is powered by a crumb of Stonehenge! Seriously.
When final Silver Shamrock TV commercial airs simultaneously on all three networks on Halloween, the device will activate, causing the childrens' heads to dissolve and emitting both crickets and snakes. Happy Halloween!
I don't want to spoil it, but in the end Dan manages to escape, rescue Ellie, and sabotage Mr. C's plans. Lots of things go boom and Halloween is saved from the Grinch. A surprise twist ending causes one to yell "what the fuck?" to the TV screen elevates this flick to an 7 outta 10. My biggest disappointment is that there's no witch anywhere in the film, except for the rubber mask...shouldn't it have been subtitled SEASON OF THE MASK?

Diller Memories...MAD MONSTER PARTY?

A classic post from October 2008 in memory of Ms. Diller.One of my alltime favorite Halloween treats when I was a kid was when local channel 9 WOR in New York would broadcast MAD MONSTER PARTY? (the question mark is part of the title-who knew?) on their 4:00 MOVIE.This wonderful Rankin/Bass "Animagic" feature was released theatrically in 1969-but really found its legs when it was syndicated to local stations in the 1970s. It's cast boasts a who's who of movie monsters - Count Dracula! The Wolf Man! The Mummy! The Invisible Man! Frankenstein's Monster! Dr. Jekyll! Mr. Hyde! The Creature (from the Black Lagoon)! The Hunchback of Notre Dame! It! (aka King Kong) and Phyllis Diller! The only one missing was John McCain.Boris Karloff voices Baron Von Frankenstein - who assembles these characters (The Worldwide Organization of Monsters) to announce his retirement - and introduce his nerdy nephew Felix and shapely new creation Francesca to the group. Even as a gay kid, I knew Francesca was HOT! I wonder if Francesca was the visual inspiration for MAD MEN's Joan Holloway? Hmmm...With character designs by the great Mad Magazine cartoonist Jack Davis, and some of the best stop-motion imagery ever, MAD MONSTER PARTY? is an absolute must-see for animation lovers. While the story may now be a bit slow-moving, and not as clever as I remember it from my childhood - I'd rather sit through this than the more recent "monster mash" called VAN HELSING any day of the year.MAD MONSTER PARTY also features some great musical numbers...and come on, you gotta love Phyllis Diller - here a pic of me and my husband John with Ms. Diller at her lovely Brentwood home in 2008. She's was 90+ and still a hoot!

For more info about Rankin/Bass visit Rick Goldschmidt's enchanting blog.

Christmas in Disneyland (Once More)

Last night, while freezing my butt off at the annual Disneyland Family Party, I recalled a special holiday screening that I attended at the Disney Studios last year. No, it wasn't BOLT or a preview of a new Pixar treat - It was a rare old chestnut that we like to call CHRISTMAS AT DISNEYLAND.
Yes, from Marty Pasetta & company, the fine folks that brought us the weirdly magical all-star extravaganza SANDY IN DISNEYLAND in 1974 came this 1976 variety special in which Sandy returns to Walt's first magic kingdom - but this time she took the second-banana role to Ed Norton himself, Mr. Art Carney.Originally airing 32 years ago today Dec. 6) this odd gem tells the story of a grumpy grandpa (Carney) whose cute grandkids (Brad Savage, Terri Lynn Wood) drag him, against his will, to Disneyland for Christmas. Which sounds like fun - only Gramps has his knickers in a knot about doing anything that might make the kids happy - turns out he was an abused child (he relates the story of how he was rejected and neglected at Christmastime as a wee lad) who NEVER was given a Christmas present EVER. This depressing and highly unlikely backstory sets up the story of the kids (with the help of tour guide Duncan and special guest star Glen Campbell) trying to prove that everything he thinks is annoying or fake (Christmas, music, Santa, Disneyland, etc.) is enchanting and real. How Grandpa has made it this far in life without having any fun or receiving any gifts is beyond me - but no one seems to question it, so I won't either.Along the way, there's plenty of peppy musical numbers throughout the theme park. We visit Sleeping Beauty's Castle, Critter Country, Fantasyland (the Alice in Wonderland ride is featured, but not identified) and the now-extinct attraction called America Sings. Sandy does a big production number inside of It's A Small World (she sings something about seeing the world through her EYES-should it's be her EYE? Just asking.) and John Davidson, er I mean Glen Campbell dons a Santa suit and jams with The Country Bears. Mr. Carney also plays the dual role of Dr. Wunderbar, a "glad scientist" (my term) who places some sort of magical/technical spell on Grandpa that promises him a big prize for being a non-believer. Or something to that effect. It's a very Sid & Marty Krofft moment. There's a sweet little song that the kids sing with Carney that would be wonderful if young Terri Lynn wasn't so off-key. While she is adorable, one wonders why they didn't cast a cute kid who actually had some vocal chops.

There's also a gaggle of costumed characters cavorting around (though Goofy seems oddly missing) as well as dancing Christmas trees, Reindeer and a big finale that includes a big ice-skating number right down Main Street. The hour is full of that wonderful requisite 1970s corniness, right down to the polyester-clad dancers, the choir with Farah Fawcett inspired hairstyles and Jell-O ads.Overall I enjoyed the show - but it made me sad that shows like this aren't available on dvd for all to see. I'm guessing there's either legal or clearance issues that Disney would rather not deal with, or just plain embarrassment over some of the dated cheese factor that these shows reek of. While not as "magical" as I expected, the show totally put me in the holiday mood, which is a very good thing!

Christmas in Disneyland

Yesterday I was privileged to attend a special holiday screening at the Disney Studios. No, it wasn't BOLT or perhaps a preview of some new, upcoming Pixar treat -It was a rare old chestnut that we like to call CHRISTMAS AT DISNEYLAND.
Yes, from Marty Pasetta & company, the fine folks that brought us the weirdly magical all-star extravaganza SANDY IN DISNEYLAND in 1974 came this 1976 variety special in which Sandy returns to Walt's first magic kingdom - but this time she took the second-banana role to Ed Norton himself, Mr. Art Carney.Originally airing 32 years ago today Dec. 6) this odd gem tells the story of a grumpy grandpa (Carney) whose cute grandkids (Brad Savage, Terri Lynn Wood) drag hi, against his will, to Disneyland for Christmas. Which sounds like fun - only Gramps has his knickers in a knot about doing anything that might make the kids happy - turns out he was an abused child (he relates the story of how he was rejected and neglected at Christmastime as a wee lad) who NEVER was given a Christmas present EVER. This depressing and highly unlikely backstory sets up the story of the kids (with the help of tour guide Duncan and special guest star Glen Campbell) trying to prove that everything he thinks is annoying or fake (Christmas, music, Santa, Disneyland, etc.) is enchanting and real. How Grandpa has made it this far in life without having any fun or receiving any gifts is beyond me - but no one seems to question it, so I won't either.Along the way, there's plenty of peppy musical numbers throughout the theme park. We visit Sleeping Beauty's Castle, Critter Country, Fantasyland (the Alice in Wonderland ride is featured, but not identified) and the now-extinct attraction called America Sings. Sandy does a big production number inside of It's A Small World (she sings something about seeing the world through her EYES-should it's be her EYE? Just asking.) and John Davidson, er I mean Glen Campbell dons a Santa suit and jams with The Country Bears. Mr. Carney also plays the dual role of Dr. Wunderbar, a "glad scientist" (my term) who places some sort of magical/technical spell on Grandpa that promises him a big prize for being a non-believer. Or something to that effect. It's a very Sid & Marty Krofft moment. There's a sweet little song that the kids sing with Carney that would be wonderful if young Terri Lynn wasn't so off-key. While she is adorable, one wonders why they didn't cast a cute kid who actually had some vocal chops.

There's also a gaggle of costumed characters cavorting around (though Goofy seems oddly missing) as well as dancing Christmas trees, Reindeer and a big finale that includes a big ice-skating number right down Main Street. The hour is full of that wonderful requisite 1970s corniness, right down to the polyester-clad dancers, the choir with Farah Fawcett inspired hairstyles and Jell-O ads.Overall I enjoyed the show - but it made me sad that shows like this aren't available on dvd for all to see. I'm guessing there's either legal or clearance issues that Disney would rather not deal with, or just plain embarrassment over some of the dated cheese factor that these shows reek of. While not as "magical" as I expected, the show totally put me in the mood for my annual Christmas visit to the happiest place on Earth next week.

MAD MONSTER PARTY?

One of my alltime favorite Halloween treats when I was a kid was when local channel 9 WOR in New York would broadcast MAD MONSTER PARTY? (the question mark is part of the title-who knew?) on their  4:00 MOVIE.This wonderful Rankin/Bass "Animagic" feature was released theatrically in 1969-but really found its legs when it was syndicated to local stations in the 1970s. It's cast boasts a who's who of movie monsters - Count Dracula! The Wolf Man! The Mummy! The Invisible Man! Frankenstein's Monster! Dr. Jekyll! Mr. Hyde! The Creature (from the Black Lagoon)! The Hunchback of Notre Dame! It! (aka King Kong) and Phyllis Diller! The only one missing was John McCain.Boris Karloff voices Baron Von Frankenstein - who assembles these characters (The Worldwide Organization of Monsters) to announce his retirement - and introduce his nerdy nephew Felix and shapely new creation Francesca to the group. Even as a gay kid, I knew Francesca was HOT! I wonder if Francesca was the visual inspiration for MAD MEN's Joan Holloway? Hmmm...With character designs by the great Mad Magazine cartoonist Jack Davis, and some of the best stop-motion imagery ever, MAD MONSTER PARTY? is an absolute must-see for animation lovers. While the story may now be a bit slow-moving, and not as clever as I remember it from my childhood - I'd rather sit through this than the more recent "monster mash" called VAN HELSING any day of the year.MAD MONSTER PARTY also features some great musical numbers...and come on, you gotta love Phyllis Diller - here a pic of me and my parter John with Ms. Diller at her lovely Brentwood home last year. She's 91 and still a hoot!

For more info about Rankin/Bass visit Rick Goldschmidt's enchanting blog.

The Whiz Kid and the Carnival Caper

Adapted from a two-part 1975 WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY episode, this paperback tells the tale of the Fernald siblings, Alvin and Daffy, who with their friends help Professor Dimitrik build a monster for the Riverton Carnival. Only things get complicated, as they often do in Disney TV plots - and the kids get involved in a bank robbery, a car chase and a shoot out! Who will save the day? How about the professor's creature - the WANGDOODLE MONSTER? (I'm not making this up).I bought this book when I was in the 5th grade and I remember thinking how cool the cover was. From the great Tinker Bell Disney TV logo on the top to the realistic painting of Alvin about to get mauled by the Frankenstein-like creature. I still think the cover is pretty cool - and I'd love to see the TV-movie again just to re-live those innocent times when a teen boy detective could help a creepy professor build a man named Wangdoodle and no one would bat an eye.

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state...

What is it about THE BIG BAND THEORY that makes it positively addictive? It it the spot-on casting? The witty geek-centric dialogue? The clever nerd-culture filled plotlines? The aggravating, yet endearingly neurotic Sheldon (Jim Parsons-at times channeling Felix Unger)? The adorably pathetic Leonard (Johnny Galecki)? The polar opposites of undersexed, but sexy Rajnesh (Kunal Nayyar) and oversexed, but unsexy Howard (Simon Helberg)? The sudden intrusion of smarter-than-you-think outsider Penny (Kaley Cuoco)? All the DC Comics references? Or is it the wonderfully ridiculous and informative theme song by Barenaked Ladies? Maybe it's just this photo of Sheldon and Leonard...

Well, whatever it is - it seems to be working for me. The fact that I'm watching a CBS three-camera comedy with a live audience/laughtrack is a scientific miracle within itself! Which causes me to pause and ask, have I finally entered the CBS middle-age demographic? What's next for me, GREATEST AMERICAN DOG?


THE BIG BANG THEORY theme lyrics:
Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait...
The Earth began to cool,
The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools,
We built a wall (we built the pyramids),
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,
That all started with the big bang!


© Barenaked Ladies - The Big Bang Theory lyrics are copyrighted to their respective owners.
The Big Bang Theory song lyrics are restricted for educational and personal use only.

DIE, MONSTER, DIE!!!

DIE, MONSTER, DIE! (1965) opens as an obnoxious American named Steven Reinhardt (Nick Adams) arrives in an quaint English town named Arkham. Fans of the BBC TV series LEAGUE OF GENTLEMAN will notice more than a passing resemblance to Royston Vasey. The locals do not welcome him with open arms, especially when he mentions that he is looking for the Witley house. As soon as he mentions the Witleys, everyone treats him with such disdain that you'd think he was wearing an "I Love George Bush" tee shirt. He can't get a taxi, he can't rent a bicycle and nobody will even give him directions! "What will it cost me to get to the Witley place?" he asks the bike shop gent. "More than you'd imagine!" the fellow replies. Whatever the Witleys have done - it must be pretty darn awful.

Steven sets out on foot to find the dreaded house, barely noticing the dead plants and trees along the way. He arrives at the mansion, but when his knock goes unanswered, the doors fly open - as if to invite him in. Spooky! Once inside, he snoops around a bit until he is startled by Nahum Witley (the great Boris Karloff), who appears to be disabled and is bound to a wheelchair. Witley is not very welcoming to Steven - until he tells Witney that his wife Leticia had invited him to visit, in order to "help" their daughter Susan, who Steven met back in college. Susan has been having a difficult time since returning home. Old man Witley wants Steven to leave at once, but Susan then appears and insists on him staying. Dad reluctantly agrees let him stay for a few days - and then he proceeds to spy on the two lovebirds.

We next meet the mysterious Leticia, who is bedridden with a mysterious illness. Mrs. Witley is hidden behind black lace, and she tells Steven that she wants him to take Susan as far away from the Whitley house as he can! She also mentions that her maid Helga has disappeared. It's so hard to find good help these days.

We also meet Merwyn the Butler, who looks like Frankie Valli in a gray wig with mod sunglasses. Whitley and Merwyn pay a visit to the cellar to give us a clue to what Whitley's father was up to that might have made the townsfolk hate him so much. Whitley exclaims "If there is evil… it's buried with him!" I predict it had something to do with selling Amway products...or Satan...or both.

Whitley has a chat with his wife and promises "Whatever happened to my father will not happen to me!" "It is already happening" she replies. What could that be all about??? After Merwyn the butler collapses at the dinner table, Steve and Susan take a tour of the house. Susan tells him that she wants to leave the house. Steven tells her they can go right now. Susan says she can't leave her mother - but maybe in the morning. Like she's gonna be all better in the morning? Meanwhile, we learn that Merwyn has taken a turn for the worse - he's died. So Witley buries him. Oh - I thought Whitley was disabled...

Steven spies on Witley, and notices that he can walk - and that the family greenhouse has a unworldly green glow. The next day Steven visits the town doctor, who tells him that he was the last person to see Whitley's dad alive - he died in the doc's arms - but his body disappeared! Okay...I guess that's reason enough for everyone to loathe the family. Not really.

Later at the Witley place, Susan shows Steven how to break into the greenhouse - and we learn that Whitley has been genetically modifying vegetables by placing glowing green stones in their soil. There are also some odd mutant animals in cages - "It looks like a zoo in hell!" Oh yeah - then Susan gets attacked by a living vine. What I guess is that a radioactive meteorite crashed near to the house and Whitley hid it in the greenhouse, and it made his veggies grow big. Not only that, but it made everyone in the house sick - including turning their pets into the "menagerie of horrors!"

Steven visits the cellar and is attacked by a crazed faceless Leticia, who then dies and is buried. As Steven and Susan prepare to leave, Helga (remember her?) attacks Witley who then turns into the Silver Surfer! Steven and Susan must then fight off her father and escape the mansion before the end credits. Wow. What the fuck did I just watch?

I have no idea what the Satanic Whitley family history and the glowing meteorite have to do with each other, if anything... and most of all - why the Arkham townfolk hate the Whitley family so much. I feel like that maybe a half-hour of plot that explained all this was cut out of the film, because none of it makes any sense. It really feels like a jigsaw with about ten big pieces missing.

And what exactly does DIE, MONSTER, DIE! refer to? I guess any movie with Boris Karloff had to have some sort of Frankenstein reference in order to sell tickets. Maybe the title of the original HP Lovecraft story that this is based on makes more sense. Oh wait - it's called "The Color Out of Space". Nevermind.

But you know what - even if all the "Huhs?" don't add up, I still found the film quite atmospheric and gorgeous to look at. Karloff is always fun to watch - and here he's at his Grinch-y best, I'll give him - 7 outta 10. Directed by THE DUNWICH HORROR's Daniel Haller .

THE WILD, WILD PLANET aka CRIMINALI DELLA GALASSIA

First let me say that this Italian sci-fi epic from 1965 is a production design dream come true for me. Clean, streamlined miniature sets with beautiful old school Tomorrowland-style architecture, funky futuristic furniture, mod fashions, amazing hairdos and some far-out vehicles. You name it - it's the future that I wish we were living in right now. So I highly recommend this film to anyone who is a fan of this style of design.



As for the storyline, I'll try to convey it the best I can: It's the future and Earth is ruled by evil transnational corporations (think Haliburton). Aboard a space station we meet Cmdr. Mike Halstead and biochemist Dr. Nurmi of the Chembiomed corporation (aka CBM). Nurmi and his staff have set up a laboratory on the station in order to cultivate replacement human organs for transplants. Halstead doesn't like Nurmi and his experimental organs - and isn't too thrilled that doctor is after his slutty sexpot of a girlfriend, Lt. Connie Gomez. Mad scientist Nurmi invites Connie to join him for a spontaneous holiday getaway. Connie first refuses to go, but them he gets her drunk and she's like - yeah, okay, I'll go.

We are soon treated to a crazy minimalistic dance performance. Then Halstead gets a call from Earth asking him to investigate a situation involving some strange disappearances. You see some voluptuous big-haired women and mysterious bald sunglass-wearing Zombie-men in black trenchcoats (did this look inspire THE MATRIX?) have been roaming the planet, shrinking people down to Barbie doll size!!! One such attempt goes awry when they only manage to shrink an old man down to midget-size, but only after they kill his young bratty granddaughter. They also attack a studly male gymnist who is wearing a skimpy brilliant blue leotard and they try to kidnap Halstead's apparently Asian nephew - but his non-Asian mom intercedes. Later, Halstead discovers a briefcase full of miniaturized victims, a four-armed (!) dead zombie man, and a bunch of the big-haired women. What does this all mean??? I just don't know.

When Halstead comes across a list of the victims, roads start to lead back to CBM and the wild, wild planet Delphus - where CBM conducts most of their research...and just happens to be where Nurmi took Connie for their little getaway! Once on Delphus, Halstead confronts Nurmi, who reveals his ultimate goal is to create a new master race of perfect people. Beautiful women and physically perfect men. He's doing this by kidnapping them and shrinking them down to doll size and then blowing them back up to normal size. I'm not sure what the heck this all has to do with the zombies and the replacement organs that they grow. Am I missing something here? Maybe I fell asleep and didn't know it.

It turns out his plans for Connie are even more evil - Nurmi wants to somehow "merge" himself with her to form the perfect person. Halstead and his men decide it's time to kick Nurmi's ass and all sorts of chaos ensues- ending with gallons of not-quite-gelled Jello-O bursting through the walls of the CBM complex. Complex indeed.

This movie had me asking "huh?" quite a bit - mostly because it sometimes felt I was watching more than one movie and that I was accidentally flipping channels. Everytime it seemed like something finally made sense, something strange would happen that would make me go "Huh?" again. For all that plus all the fabulous imagery, I have to give this one a big 8 outta 10. Apparently there are three sequels out there!!!