MAME

What? My first post in almost 4 years!!! To celebrate the Blu-ray release of the camp classic MAME, let's revisit my in-depth analysis, originally posted way back in 2007!
This 1974 film adaptation of the 1966 Broadway smash starts with the reading of the will of Patrick Dennis' late father, by his trustee, Mr. Babcock. We see our first glimpse of Patrick in his damn short pants as well as various photographic portraits of stodgy relatives - concluding with a soft focus photo of Auntie Mame! The will states that Patrick is to be left in the care of his aunt, Mame Dennis (Lucille Ball).

Patrick and his nanny, Agnes Gooch (Jane Connell recreating her Broadway role after Madeline Kahn was fired by Lucy) take a train ride to live with Mame.The train ride gives way to a migraine-inducing montage of an art deco MAME logo super-imposed with stock footage of sex, violence and depravity from the WB film archives. Accompanying this visual assault is the song "St. Bridgette" song by Connell.

When they arrive at Beekman Place, they walk into a big cocktail party at Mame's palatial NYC apartment. Underneath a portrait of Lucy by Gustav Klimt, Mame is doing an awkward shimmy on her baby grand piano wearing a red velvet pantsuit and a giant diamond-encrusted crucifix. Lucy then proceeds to warble out a horrorific rendition of "It's Today", thus setting the tone for many musical atrocities to follow. Then Lucy does the Charleston and young Patrick introduces himself by asking if he may slide down her bannister!

Mame announces his arrival to the crowd and then offers him a martini. We soon meet Mame's buddy, stage actress and lush, Vera Charles (deliously played by Bea Arthur, creating her stage role under the direction of her husband Gene Saks). Lucy (in a soft focus close-up) reprises "It's Today" as Patrick gets to slide up and down the long bannister!

The next morning, Patrick wakes up Mame (who sleeps in full make-up) with his bugle. After learning that "Auntie Mame is hung" she tells that she is enrolling him a very non-traditional "School Of Life." Then she gives him a pad and pencil in order for him to write down words he doesn't understand like "libido," "bastard" and "vocal coach." Vera then wakes up in Mame's bath tub and for no good reason, mean-spirited Mame turns the shower on, drenching her best friend.

Then we are treated to Lucy shrieking out "Open a New Window" as a montage shows Mame and Patrick riding a pony, going to a museum, attending a womens' rights rally, going to see a burlesque show, visiting a firehouse, parachuting, sitting on the crown of the Statue of Liberty (huh?), arriving at the clothing-optional School of Life, praying at St. Patrick's Cathedral, studying the Torah at a temple and doing the tango at a speakeasy! All seems to going well until the police arrive and it's a raid!!! Everybody gets off though because the judge is one of Mame's society pals. She is apparently very well-connected.

Mr. Babcock arrives to check on Patrick, running into vindictive Vera, who is blabbering on about Coco Chanel, and leads the trustee right to the controversial school- causing Patrick to be taken out of Mame's custody!!! At that same exact moment, Mame learns that the stock market has crashed and she's wiped out. This is not a good day to be Mame Dennis.

To make amends to Mame, Vera offers her a very small role in her new show - an extremely modern operetta about a woman astronomer. "The Man In The Moon is a Lady" (sung by Bea) climaxes with a total Lucy Ricardo moment as Mame is still backstage admiring herself in the mirror when she is supposed to be onstage delivering her one line - which she eventually flubs and causes chaos when she falls off of a crescent moon and is beaten by Vera with a telescope!! The show is a fiasco, but the audience seems to enjoy it. Mame begs Vera for her forgiveness, but Vera declares "The Man In The Moon is a Bitch" and then slaps a little old lady who is trying to help her with her costume. I wonder if Bea improvised that.

Patrick, who was in the audience, reassures Mame that she's that he still loves her by singing "My Best Girl" - Lucy responds by croaking "My Best Beau" back to him. Poor little guy. Meanwhile, back at Beekman place - the repo men are taking her piano, her artwork, etc. Mame soon gets a job working selling rollerskates in a department store, For some reason, she's wearing a nun's habit (sans veil) with a big black bow. Mame demonstrates a pair of rollerskates by for a customer named Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside the 3rd (Robert Preston). However, Mame gets herself fired because she doesn't know how to write up a cash sale. Huh? After first skating around the entire store, Mame proceeds to rollerskate all the way home.

When she gets home, Patrick is visiting and Mame decides to lift everyone's spirits by giving early Christmas gifts. The boy gets a pair damn long pants- and her servants Ito (George Chiang) and Gooch also get something. Lucy then leads the foursome in a rousing version of "We Need A Little Christmas", while they decorate Gooch up as if she was a an Xmas tree and throw fake snow at her. Lucy then dons the most horrifying Santa Claus mask ever created. Agnes and Ito surprise Mame by telling her the butcher bill has been paid up till next September! How'd they know how much meat they're gonna want all the way into the future??? Patrick then gives her a kiss "on account" whatever that means. Ewww.

Just then, Beau shows up at the front door and invites everyone to dinner!!! Christmas has come early!

Before you know it, Beau takes Mame and Patrick to to visit his peach plantation in Peckerwood, Georgia - where they meet sugary-sweet, but wicked by Sally Cato. (Joyce Van Patten). Beau's grotesque mother, a Jabba the Hut lookalike, Mother Burnside greets Patrick with a belch. Mame, newly-blonde arrives dressed as a southern belle, complete with an embarrassing accent. Sally Cato signs Mame up to ride sidesaddle in a foxhunt- riding the "mad" horse named Lightning. The following day, Lucy's stuntwoman works overtime as she rides the crazy horse, passing the other hunters, passing the dogs, passing the fox and jumping over Mother Burnside's car! Mame is thrown from the horse and catches the adorable little fox, and impresses everyone by NOT killing it. This prompts several dozens of peoplee to serenade her with the titular, rousing and bombastic theme song, "Mame".

Mame and Beau, are soon married and on world tour. Robert Preston croons "Loving You" as they slow dance on a cruise ship, in a Japanese garden, in soft focus and in front of a fountain. Meanwhile, Patrick goes through puberty, goes to college and starts dating debutantes. Bruce Davison takes over the role at this point. A ski trip to the Alps leads to an avalanche which kills Beau, leaving Mame widowed and alone again, naturally.

Mame then returns home and is reunited with Patrick, who is dating a snobby bitchy girl named Gloria Upson. A post-funeral reunion with her old friend Vera leads to the fun duet "Bosom Buddies", a song which once led a friend of mine to declare (90 minutes into the movie) that "the one on the left can't sing". It took him THAT long to notice!!!

Mame and Vera then decide to give frumpy Agnes a makeover and send her off into the world because "Life is a banquet, and most poor sons of bitches are starving to death." Six months later, Agnes returns home, pregnant - just as Mame is dining with Patrick and the dreadful Gloria. Patrick sees Agnes, who's been hiding in the kitchen, and decides be a good idea for Mame to visit the Upsons at their home in Connecticut.

What follows is my favorite sequence in the whole film, as Mame visits the Upsons (Don Porter and Audrey Christie) at their home, Upson Downs. After meeting all the various Upsons, Mame learns that Patrick and Gloria are engaged! The Upsons entertain Mame in their rumpus room (a former slave quarters) and introduce her to their black maid Bertha ("so many of them are so snotty these days"). Then they serve her appetizers made of tuna, clam juice and peanut butter. They ask Mame to help pay for a piece of property next door to so that the newlyweds could live there, as opposed to "the wrong kind of people."

They Upsons then show Mame home movies of Gloria - but Mame can't be any less interested. When Mame leaves, she confronts Patrick about her dislike of the Upsons, proclaiming him a snob (which he is) after he tells her that he's ashamed of her and her "crazy" friends. She tells him that the Upsons are bigots and he tells her to forget she ever knew him. This is where my favorite part ends, because as heartbroken Mame drives back home to NYC, Lucy butchers the beautiful ballad "If He Walked Into My Life". Where is Eydie Gorme when you need her???

Apparently Mame and Patrick have patched things up off-screen because the Upsons are now visiting Beekman Place. Patrick soon meets Mame's pretty new maid, Pegeen (Bobbie Jordan). The Upsons arrive, all pissed off because the property they'd wanted had been bought thanks to "some Jew lawyer." Then Mame serves them some baked monkey and Vera makes a grand entrance into with a quintet of nameless men wearing tuxedos singing "It's Today ". Vera then toasts to the new couple, mistaking Pegeen for Gloria. At that moment, pregnant Agnes crashes the party and is invited her to sit with everyone. Suddenly, a bus full of unwed pregnant women barge in, singing "Open A New Window" as Mame reveals to the Upsons that she bought the land next door to Upson Downs in oder to build the Beauregarde Burnside Memorial Home For Single Mothers. The Upsons have total fit, exclaiming that Mame isn't "one of them," dragging Gloria with them - just as Patrick makes eye contract with Pegeen! Hmmmm....

Flash forward, Patrick and Pegeen are now married and have a son, Peter. Mame, sporting gray hair, is off on a trip to Russia, and asks if Peter could join her. Although Patrick and Pegeen resist at first, Peter tells them off and they relent. Huh? Mame and Peter wave goodbye and board the plane. No luggage - I guess they will shop for long pants in Siberia. Music soars as the plane takes off. What follows is a montage of Mame hugging Vera, Gooch, Beau, adult Patrick and finally young Patrick! The End!

Whew! What a way to start the holiday movie season! I have to say that MAME is one of my favorite films of all time. I know Lucy's singing was atrocious, her dancing wooden, her comic timing is off at times, and at age 63 she was way too old to be playing a character in her 40s - but all I know is that when I saw MAME at Radio City Musical Hall as a child - I had a great time - and that's all that mattered.

Of course, IF Angela Lansbury was allowed to star in the film version - it may have been critically acclaimed, it might won some Oscars and might also have been a box-office hit. But that never happened. What did happen was Lucille Ball as Mame - and I relish ever minute of it. 10 outta 10  and worth every one of 'em.

LIFEGUARD

More recycled Dougsploitation.

LIFEGUARD stands out in my mind for two reasons: it was another PG-rated, but sexy film that that premiered on the CBS Wednesday Night Movie (see COACH) and it was an iconic teen-age masturbatory fantasy for gay boys everywhere. What's surprising is that this movie came from Paramount Pictures (and now on DVD from the Warner Archive Collection) - not Crown International or American International or New Line or New World. This was a real Hollywood movie...with music by the legendary Paul Williams (PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE, and that very special episode of THE ODD COUPLE where Edna Unger and her dad Felix argue over Paul's sex appeal).

As the titles roll, we meet our hero, young Sam Elliot, who even at 35 (?) seemed kinda old - but yet sexy. He's putting up a flag, and "intern" lifeguard and Scientologist Parker (HARDY BOYS and BAYWATCH) STEVENSON is helping him. Then a bunch of half-naked teen boys who all look like Carrot Top come up to them and tell them how they plan on getting laid this summer. Right.

Sam then puts on his tight rainbow tank top because his lady friend - a blonde stewardess(!!!) who looks like Sarah (REAL PEOPLE) Purcell coming over for a booty call.

PS- she is carrying the same "stew bag" that Tara B. True used in SUPERCHICK! And she gets to shows her tits and ass...in a PG movie!!! Holy shit - the MPAA would never allow this today. After the fucking, pillow talk between them turns dramatic when she tells him that he's not as good in bed as he thinks he is. He would be better if he loved her. He's like..."whatever" Back at the beach, a teenage girl who looks like a mildly-retarded Kristy McNichol needs a band-aid for her finger. So Sam helps her out. Later, while a dwarf photographer is taking snapshots, Sam and Parker talk about sex. A lot. Which is hot. Then they talk about sex with underage girls. Which is creepy.

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Then there's a boring bar scene which reveals to us that Sam is a "player". A guy that knew Sam 10 years earlier sees him at the bar and the two begin to chat. The guy - who looks like both the ABBA guys rolled into one - tells Sam that he now is a Porsche salesman, and that Sam should consider getting in the car biz.

Stalker teen, I'll call her "Tarzana" shows up again and tells Sam that she has no friends cause girls are snotty and boys are creeps. Then she splashes water on him and he chases her. He gives her a towel and they talk about marriage. Huh? Then she tells him she wants to get better at sex, and she wants him to fuck her. He thinks she's only 14, but when she says she's 17, he figures what the hell...and it does it! "Tarzana" is actually a played by a 22 year old Kathleen Quinlan!

The next day, Sam goes to visit his parents. We wish that it was Sam playing all three characters like Eddie Murphy does. Maybe in the sequel?

Back at the beach, Sam rescues some drowning kids and has to deal with a Cary Grant lookalike who is "showing his privates". We wish Sam and Parker would show each other's privates! Parker can't deal with the old guy cause he looks too much like his dad. Okay, ewww. 

"Tarzana" the Statutory Stalker shows up at Sam's apartment (She followed home!!!). Gulp. He can't make love to her because tonight's his 15 Year High School reunion - making him almost 30!!!

At the reunion, another Scientologist, Anne Archer and WONDER WOMAN's friend Etta Candy (Beatrice Colon) are there! During "Moon River," Anne shows him her kid, but what she really wants to show him is her "kid-maker".

Then there's a triathlon competition and of course "Tarzana" is cheering him on. Sam spits up water for five minutes. He must be too old for this??? A teammate jokes about it and Sam goes nuts. Speaking of nuts, the announcer has big ones. Ewww...

Before you know it Sam's teaching Anne's kid how to swim and how properly wear Groucho glasses.

He shows Anne a pamphlet of women he hasn't fucked yet, and she's in it - but not for long. It's light reading. Then they get it on. There's slo-mo closeups of various body parts. No nipples or balls, just fleshy parts. Soon she's smoking in bed. Must have been good.

The next day Sam goes to see the car dealer guy. Later, "Tarzana" shows up again and asks Sam if they are ever gonna do it again. He tells her no. And then she asks "Is it cause I'm jailbait?" No, she's cause you're crazy. Then she starts crying cause...SHE'S FUCKING CRAZY!

Later, Anne makes lasagna because her Mexican housekeeper can't be trusted with pasta. Sam comes by to tell her that he got a job as a Porsche salesman. Then a song by Paul Williams, the poor man's Elton John, serenades us as Sam drives around LA and says "goodbye" to the beach.

Only he spots someone out swimming where she shouldn't be swimming...and of course it's "Tarzana"! LET HER DROWN!!! But no, he rescues her and gives her a sailor suit to wear. Did a trick leave it behind? He tells her she's crazy. FINALLY! She tells him she LOVES him. Then he puts her in her car and sends her home. Is it really a good idea to put someone who just tried to kill herself behind the wheel of her car?

He tells Anne about Syndy when he visits her at her job (an art gallery). Anne is very supportive, but then he goes and spoils it all by doing something stupid like yelling at a potential art buyer and probably getting Anne fired from her job - or at least embarrassing the crap out of her! By the way, she looks pissed.

It's the next day, Parker's last before he heads back to college (he's gonna make something of his life - not just be a dumb lifeguard). Then the ABBA/Porsche guy comes by to see if he's gonna take the salesman job, and Sam says "no!"...besides there's a pervert hiding in the ladies room and somebody's got kick him out! It's tough out there for a lifeguard. Wonder if "Tarzana" made it home alright...

"Huh?" - 7 outta 10 - mostly cause of all the smokin' hot 70s man flesh. Oh, the guy pictured above isn't in the movie. Buy it today!

NORMAN...IS THAT YOU?

From 2010...

NORMAN...IS THAT YOU? (1976, directed by George Schlatter of LAUGH-IN fame) is a movie that I've always known existed, even as a kid, but for one reason another never got a chance to see. I always thought Norman Lear was somehow connected because of the title and the casting. I was silly.

Until now. The movie (based on a 1970 play by Ron Clark and Sam Bobrick) opens with Ben Chambers (Redd Foxx, then star of Lear's SANFORD & SON) riding on a bus, as Smokey Robinson croons a Motown ditty about Redd being an “old-fashioned man, living in a brand new world.” Redd then arrives in Los Angeles and transfers to a taxicab which takes him directly to Hollywood (though it looks like WEST Hollywood to me).

Redd arrives at his son Norman's apartment building as his hunky son awakens from his waterbed slumber in nothing but a pair of form-fitting blue undies. Norman (Michael Warren of HILL STREET BLUES), in a panic, directs Redd to take the stairs to delay his arrival. Norman then puts on a paint of form-fitting pistachio green slacks that fit him like the skin on a grape. Norman attempts to awaken the other person in the bed, who appears at first to be a very lazy and annoying woman. But is soon revealed to be an extremely feminine and annoying man named Garson (Dennis Dugan, later of RICHIE BROCKLEMAN, PRIVATE EYE).

Garson just had the "most faaaaaabulous dream” instantly informing us that he is the embarrassing gay character that we've all seen a million times before. The mincing queen who wears caftans and delivers lines like he's Kay Thompson. To the film's credit, in 1976 we probably hadn't seen many characters like this before. But, why on earth would Norman be attracted to this? To each his own, I guess.

Norman, clearly embarrassed by Garson, makes him hide as he lets Redd into the apartment. Redd notices Norman's exquisite 1976 decor and comments on the purple drapes and declares "to each his own." (Just like I did a paragraph above!) After introducing Garson to Redd as his "neighbor" who came by to use the toilet, we learn that pops is here to visit because Norman's mother ran off to Mexico with his uncle, keeping it "all in the family". ;)

Garson, meanwhile, is visiting his puppeteer friend Larry Davenport (Waylon Flowers, later of MADAME'S PLACE). That's right, Garson's friends are even gayer than he is! Not only does Madame answers the phone when Norman calls, but Madame's sassy (nameless) black friend also makes a brief appearance, causing me to scream with laughter and disbelief. Meanwhile, Redd unpacks his suitcase and starts going through his son's drawers. So to speak. First he finds some frilly underthings and then he finds an Asian-style gown and jumps to the conclusion that Norman has a lady friend. Just then, Garson, Norman's lady friend, reappears and Redd begins to put two and two together.

After first declaring that he'll kill his gay son, he then calms down and tries to figure out what he and his wife did wrong. “Maybe we toilet trained him too soon?” Yeah, right...that's it Redd. After taking a walk through Hollywood, Redd pops into a bookstore and asks to see the gay section. He ends up picking up a bunch of books at random and buys them all from Barbara Sharma (of RHODA fame). He then plants himself on a park bench and reads them all. Out loud. He seems to harp on the fact that one out of every six people has had a homosexual experience. Hmmm....

After he absorbing all the knowledge he can, he comes to the conclusion that his son ISN'T gay - he's just on drugs. “Thank God my son is on drugs!” Did Redd ever consider that Norman is gay AND on drugs?
So Redd's denial continues and he breaks up with Garson for Norman, and they he hires CLEOPATRA JONES to fuck the gay out of his son. Yes, the stunning Audrey the hooker (Tamara Dobson) attempts to turn Norman straight, but alas the boy flees for the comfort of his fruit fly Melody (Vernee Watson of CARTER COUNTRY and a hundred other sitcoms), who gets him drunk in order to fuck the gay outta him. Doesn't work, and pisses her off.

Meanwhile, back at gay, Garson comes over and bonds with Redd and the two go to see Madame's drag puppet show. Redd later has a dream where he's decked in glitter and accepting some gay award. GLAAD? When Garson awakens Redd from the dream, the old man yells "Rape!" Yeah right, like Garson is a top!

The next day, Norman's mother Beatrice (the legendary Pearl Bailey) shows up and when Redd tells her that their son is gay, she's not having it. Until Audrey the hooker shows up and Beatrice asks her, "Norman...is that you?".

Then real Norman shows up and announces that he's joined the Navy! What? Yes - so Norman decides to abandon his lover, and his parents by joining the military. Don't ask, don't tell. But what of poor tragic Garson? Well, Redd invites his new "son" to live with him and his wife in Arizona and to work in their shop (I'm thinking it's a dry cleaners for some JEFFERSON-inspired reason). All's well that ends well. Before the end credits Redd looks out to the viewing audience and wonders who out there might be gay as Thelma Houston belts out “One Out Of Every Six.”

Wow.  I actually enjoyed this more than I thought I would. I guess despite all it's internalized homophobia, the film was way ahead of its time. I mean, there are still gay films being made today that deal with this same exact subject and are no less preachy and just as filled with bad stereotypes. The film totally feels like a stage production, though the original characters were Jewish and not African American. I think this was a bold choice by the producers since homophobia was (and still is) very prevalent in the black community. I also think the late actors Redd Foxx and Pearl Bailey deserve to be commended for appearing in a project that was intended to teach tolerance in a time when it wasn't very popular. Despite it's many flaws (and numerous plot holes), the film is certainly a curiosity and should be seen (to be believed!). 7 outta 10.

THE MOTHERS-IN-LAW: The Loud & The Furious

From 2010

I'm currently nearing the end of Disc 7 in the eight-disc THE MOTHERS-IN-LAW Complete Series collection. For those who are unfamiliar with the show, the series was a two-season wonder from producer Desi Arnaz that ran on NBC Sunday night between megahits WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY and BONANZA from 1967 through 1969.

THE MOTHERS-IN-LAW was a big, brassy sitcom built around sweet, lovable wisecracking actress Eve Arden and loud, abrasive musical-comedy performer Kaye Ballard. The two are cast as long-time neighbors: WASPy Eve Hubbard and ethnic Kaye Buell whose college student children (Eve's daughter Susie and Kaye's son Jerry) have decided to marry. The two moms are constantly competing with each other — and for attention of their lovelorn children. After the kids marry they move into the converted garage between the Hubbard and Buell houses, creating an additional reasons for friction between the Moms.

Eve and Kaye's henpecked husbands, the cantankerous lawyer Herb Hubbard (played by Herbert Rudley) and frugal TV writer Roger Buell (played by gay actor Roger C. Carmel in season one, replaced by gay actor Richard Deacon in season two), always get drawn into the ludicrous situations their wives create. The Lucy-like plots usually wind up with all four of the parents either covered in some kind of goop or performing a big musical number.

While some episodes border on unwatchable, there are several that stand out as great time capsules of the late 1960s when "the generation gap" seemed to be the trigger of so many comedic conflicts between television characters. One interesting episode features handsome game show panelist Scoey Mitchell as a lawyer who tries to rent the garage when Susie and Jerry plan on moving out. The girls are trying to be open minded about having an African-American tenant but wind up coming off as extremely prejudiced. It's an awkward situation and aside from a terrible watermelon joke, it's very well-played.

Jokes always seem to stem from situations involving Roger's cheapness, Kaye's Italian heritage, and Eve's penchant for redecorating. The Hubbards and Buells have a love-hate-love relationship and often end up arguing loudly about something ridiculous before each episode is over. Kaye and Eve can't help but interfere in almost every aspect of their kids' lives - a situation aggravated even further in season two when Susie gets pregnant.

Other recurring gags include Eve being referred to as "Mother Hubbard", the garage door in the kid's apartment opening to comedic effect, Kaye insisting that their grandchild will be a boy and Eve convinced it will be a girl (spoiler alert - Susie has twins!). All-in-all the show is quite entertaining. The live studio audience adds to the theatrical feeling and the performers always seem like they are giving it their all. A  special treat and curiosity on Disc 8 is the unsold Desi Arnaz pilot for THE CAROL CHANNING SHOW. 

THE PAUL LYNDE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL

A classic post. This may be the 4th time I'm running it. What has been heralded as one of the worst hours of television ever - THE PAUL LYNDE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL has got to be seen to be believed. This ABC special originally aired once in 1976, but after years of showing up a bootleg copies, it's finally available on DVD.The show has a loose "storyline", as legendary flamboyant HOLLYWOOD SQUARES celebrity Paul first thinks it's a Christmas special, then an Easter special, and then a Valentines Day special - until his elderly housekeeper (guest star Margaret Hamilton) sets him straight, so to speak. After a barrage of cornball jokes (some written by Bruce Vilanch), Paul breaks out in song: a decidedly Halloween take on "Kids" from "Bye, Bye Birdie". (Which Mr. Lynde introduced in the original Broadway show). Basically the song is a complaint about the younger generation, calling out everything that is wrong with them. My favorite line is "Too much Alice Cooper and not enough Alice Faye!" Like anyone in 1976 knew who Alice Faye was! During this number he gets attacked by trick or treaters dressed as devils - but two of the gang members are revealed to be his ABC pals Donny & Marie in a cheap cameo.After the song, Margaret convinces her bitchy and bitter boss Paul to take a drive with her to visit her sister, who lives at the mysterious Gloomsbury Manor. Sis turns out to be none other than the fabulous Witchie-Poo (Billie Hayes) from H.R. PUFNSTUF! Then, amazingly Margaret transforms herself into her WIZARD OF OZ character - the Wicked Witch of the West! Talk about crossovers! It turns out the witches want to enlist Paul to help them erase their negative media image. 1970s little person superstar Billy Barty shows up as the butler–just in time for some insulting midget jokes, followed by an appearance by a delightfully youthful Betty White as Miss Halloween 1976 - who has won a date with Paul, but she was expecting PAUL NEWMAN! The witches then offer Paul 3 wishes...Wish #1 - Paul wishes to be a "rhinestone trucker", apparently so he can communicate with Tim Conway via CB radio-which was all the rage in '76. Tim arrives at a dinner where Pinky Tuscadero (Roz Kelly from HAPPY DAYS) is the waitress. Tim is about to marry Pinky, but Paul crashes through the wall with his big rig in time to stop the wedding and ask Pinky to marry him instead! Pinky challenges the guys to a contest to see who's more macho. Billy Barty plays the "short order cook"-and he's the most macho!!!Whaa-whaa. What does all this have to do with Halloween? Then there's an awful musical number with Paul, Pinky and Tim and some square-dancing disco dancers. After which the witches invite some of their musician friends to perform "chamber music" for Paul - and the quartet turns out to be none other than KISS - who perform "Detroit Rock City," while the camera rotates 360 degrees and viewers get queasy. Then the witches play Monopoly with Paul. Huh?Wish #2 -Paul wishes he was in the Sarah dessert - he's now a dashingly romantic sheik and Florence Henderson is his potentially lusty lover. Mrs. Brady was already used to faking romance with gay leading men-so she plays along just fine. He tells her he first fell for her after he saw her "milking a cobra"! Then he talks about the "ruby portals of her lips" and he gives his rival Tim Conway a cock-a-too "cause a man gets lonely in the foreign legion." Bruce Vilanch was probably giggling backstage and loving that he got away with all this filthy innuendo. How can they top this? Wish #3 - Paul goes to a haunted discotheque - "the only play where a person can hustle without getting arrested". Then just when you think it can't get any worse, Florence appears sporting a Dorothy Hamill hairdo and a glittering black gown and sings a disco version of "That Old Black Magic".Then KISS comes back to sing the monster hit "Beth" and another song called "King of the Nighttime World." (I think it's supposed be about Larry King, but I'm not sure) It all comes to an end when Pinky returns to sing "Disco Lady" with Paul and the rest if the cast in an epic production number, while the guys from KISS look on in disbelief. Roll credits.
This has to be the strangest, gayest, bitchiest, most surreal mess ever to air on primetime TV - but of course, I love it. Now if only someone would put out a DVD set of the one-season wonder THE PAUL LYNDE SHOW - then I'd really be happy. Imagine Paul as an upscale, wisecracking Archie Bunker-type dad who gets dumped in the swimming pool each and every week - doesn't that sound truly heavenly?

Diller Memories...HAPPILY EVER AFTER

In the wake of the two recent SNOW WHITE feature films, here's a little gem from 2008 - reposted for your reading pleasure!From the creative geniuses at Filmation that brought us the HE-MAN/SHE-RA CHRISTMAS SPECIAL  comes HAPPILY EVER AFTER (made in 1988 - but released in 1993) an animated feature that thinks it's a sequel to Disney's 1937 classic. With voice talent like Carol Channing, Phyllis Diller, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Sally Kellerman and Tracey Ullmann - one expects to be in for a treat - or at least a camp classic. One should not have such great expectations.First off, the much-loved Dwarfs have been replaced here by a group of mismatched grotesque female trolls called (believe it or not) Dwarfelles (all idiotically named: Muddy, Sunburn, Blossom, Marina, Critterita, Moonbeam and Thunderella) and the fierce Evil Queen is replaced by her fey brother Lord Maliss (Malcolm McDowell, CALIGULA), who looks like every Scooby-Doo bad guy rolled into one. Jolly Dom DeLuise is the voice of the magic mirror, who recounts the entire plotline of SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS as this film opens. This is actually the best part.Meanwhile, cigar-smoking Scowl the Owl (voiced by Ed Asner) and a bunch of bats, rats and ogres are celebrating the death of the Evil Queen, when her shape-shifting brother arrives looking for his sister. The mirror tells him that the Queen is now dead and Snow White (Irene Cara of FAME fame) is to blame! He asks the mirror, "Who's the pretty boy she's with?" Hmmmm...Maliss (or Malice) then declares himself all fabulous and vows to "control the laws of nature and bend them to (his) will!"  Then he transforms himself into a big, blood-engorged red dragon and leaves.Scowl the Owl then begins rapping about being the "Baddest". And he's right. You have not lived until you've heard Ed Asner do hip hop. At this point I consider ejecting the dvd and using it as a coaster, but alas, it belongs to Netflix and not I. Meanwhile, because Evite doesn't exit yet, Snow White and her Prince are traveling on horseback to deliver invitations to the Dwarfs for their wedding. Maliss in his dragon form attacks them - first capturing Snow White, but the owl helps her escape. Maliss then tells the Prince that he "has something VERY special in store for him". I'll bet. ;)Snow White flees "into the woods", where the Dwarfs used to live, only they've gone "bye, bye" and their female cousins are now in charge. Each Dwarfelle (I can't believe I'm typing that word!) magically and inexplicably controls an aspect of nature - Muddy (Channing) makes earthquakes, Blossom (Gabor) grows flowers, butch lesbian Sunburn (Kellerman) controls sunlight and Thunderella (Ullman) manages the weather. They all report to Mother Nature (Diller). After we meet all the gals, Ullman warbles a horrible song that sounds like it was played on a Casio keyboard. Okay, I think I'm really done with this now, when someone I like is forced to sing a dreadful song - it's time to hit STOP.To be honest with you, the animation is so bloody awful, even worse than the usual Filmation crap , I could barely watch it. Every character seems like they were drawn in a different amateur-ish style and the unimaginative backgrounds and murky colors don't help at all. All-in-all a very feeble attempt at trying to fool audience into thinking that Snow White's story continues to unfold in this horrific way. So I FFWed. In the end, the troll women defeat the villain and Snow White and the Prince are reunited. Big surpise. They then invite all the Dwarfelles and Dwarfs to their royal wedding! And they all lived...well, you know what.If you have kids and want to punish them HAPPILY EVER AFTER is highly recommended. Otherwise, steer clear and watch any Disney original instead. FYI...Filmation also made A SNOW WHITE CHRISTMAS (though there seems to be no continuity between the two projects whatsoever).

"Confetti" or "When Wonder Woman Met Judy Garland"

From 2009, and in honor of Judy Garland's 90th birthday, I proudly re-present one of my most popular blog entires..."Confetti" or "When Wonder Woman Met Judy Garland".  Yes - that's right - for two issues (226 and 227 of her original series) Woman Woman, everybody's favorite Amazon got to pal around with a dead ringer for Judy Garland, everyone's favorite tragic songbird! Courtesy of writer Martin Pasko and artists Jose Delbo and Vince Colletta, this epic meeting of two gay icons could only be rivaled by the year Comic Con and San Diego Pride occurred on the same weekend! The sad story goes like this...singer actress Julie Gabriel is infamous for being late to movie sets and for throwing temper tamtrums–but somehow the people, the fans still love her. Sound familiar?
Her put-upon husband/manager tries to talk her out of quitting her latest gig–a film about the United Nations. She shows him who's boss by downing some pills! Oh no, Julie!!!
After evil fire god Hephaestus (the guy with the flaming fist pictured on the cover of Issue 226) causes chaos on the film set, Wonder Woman shows up and saves the day! Afterwards in her secret identity of U.N. representive Diana Prince, she makes friends with Julie, who invites her for a drink. Suffering Sappho!!!
After a cliffhanger, things pick up in the very next issue as Julie rehearses for her big night at Carnegie Hall with her gay choreographer.
After some gay-bashing humor, Julie gives Diana two tickets for her Carnegie Hall concert!Diana when pays Julie a surprise visit before her show, she gets accused of being "a little meshugginah"! Then she transforms into WW before Julie's eyes! Oh no, anytime Diana reveals her secret identity to someone, trouble follows!!!
I'm not sure if Julie is wearing pants in these scenes as WW compels Julie to give a mediorce performance! Great Hera!!!
And then the big show begins. Diana takes Steve Howard as her date (He's really Steve Trevor, who was recently brought back to life by the gods). JULIE! JULIE! JULIE!
Despite Diana's spell, Julie's fans love her just the same, and they begin to clamor for her to sing her signature tune, "Confetti"...but soon the stage catches on fire thanks to old cranky Hephaestus!

So, as the crowd cheers and screams in horror–Julie gives the performance of her career as the theater burns to a crisp around her!

"Confetti" concludes, Hephaestus is captured by WW and poor Julie is reduced to a pile of ashes.The End. Too bad Julie didn't rise from the dead during BLACKEST NIGHT.