THE WONDERFUL LAND OF OZ

As the holidays draw near, it's time for a family-friendly review from my friend Danny.
It all started innocently enough with a wonderful dinner from Kung Pao Bistro, then something went horribly wrong!!!!  For the next 70 minutes I was horrified to be watching THE WONDERFUL LAND OF OZ, a 1969 "sequel" to THE WIZARD OF OZ directed by Barry Mahon, also known for such classics as SANTA AND THE THREE BEARS, SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY and I WAS A MAN: THE TRUE STORY OF ANSA KANSAS, AN HERMAPHRODITE (It's true - look it up on IMDB.com).
 
If I was naughty as a child, surely this movie was my comeuppance!!!  It was just Awful!  The cardboard sets, the bad lighting, the horrible singing, the crappy story, the abominable acting and the purple papier-mache cow couldn't keep me from admitting that it was leaps and bounds better than Disney's Broadway crapfest known as TARZAN.

Anyway, this surreal movie goes beyond any description, but here goes; imagine THE BRADY BUNCH is putting on a fundraiser show in their backyard.  They've chosen to do THE CRYING GAME using leftovers from Alice's old crafting night class, Carol's discarded wardrobe and costumes from an abandoned AUSTIN POWERS sequel.  And since there are so many Brady kids, they have to just throw in some other characters, including the lying translator for Cindy to play.  The Story, well it's the CRYING GAME , you know, for kids. Um, this kid, Pit (the writer/director's son) makes a Pumpkinhead, it scares the witch (who looks like a DAWN OF THE DEAD background actress) who uses her magic powders to bring it to life. Then they sing a song. Badly. 

Then the witch tells Pit she's gonna turn him into a stone statue so he sings a song about not wanting to be a statue. Badly.
With the help of Pumpkinhead (read: African American slave), he escapes and goes to the emerald City where the gay Scarecrow rules, but the cattle call girls from the abandoned AUSTIN POWERS sequel led by a drum majorette, attack the City and take over, but regret that none of them knows how to make breakfast.  

Anyhoo, Tip, his slave & gay fag friend go to the Tin Woodsman, who's getting a hot lube/rub job from some smokin' chicks, for help.  Then,  they meet up with Glinda who sings a random song decently, then takes them all back to the witch to get her help in finding Ozma, the princess and rightful heir to the stool, I mean throne.  So the witch brings the whole crying game thing in by revealing that Tip isn't really a boy, he's Ozma, a girl!  Just like Ansa Kansas, only opposite!

The wizard transexualized him so that Ozma would not be found.  Glinda says she's gonna bring Ozma back and Tip is all, "But I don't wanna die!" and well, maybe the ACTUAL DIALOGUE would explain it best...

GLINDA: It is not exactly that you are going to be a girl. You're going to remain Tip. The girl is Ozma. You are not exactly Ozma now, you have grown into an adventurous boy. When I transform you,Ozma will be the girl, and Tip will be your spirit, a wonderful, adventurous spirit, that will float out into the land beyond, and become a part of every little boy.

Ozma comes back  and the AUSTIN POWERS rejects go to Denny's for a hearty breakfast.  Oh yeah, there was a disturbing purple cow that was late on ALL of its cues.    I imagine the director (sic) saying,  "Moo!  That's all you have to say!  One word!   When he stops talking, you say "Moo!"  Alright, I get that you may not be able to tell he's  actually  talking, but when his lips stop being slightly open, you say MOOOOOOOO!!!"

This movie should be avoided at all costs.

Doug (who watched it WITH Danny) rates this a 3 outta 10 "Huhs?". Only true OZ completists need to see it - if only to see how NOT to make an OZ film.

SCARECROWS

SCARECROWS (1988, directed by William Wesley) revolves around a group of thieves who have just robbed a 3 million dollar military payroll (in cash!!!) from Camp Pendelton and are on their way to a tropical island to live it up. Oh yeah, they have "kidnapped" a pilot, his bratty daughter Kellie and Dax, their cute pit bull terrier.

Things start to go wrong when one of the damn thieves decides to take the money and run - parachuting from the plane, and landing in a cornfield (where no corn plants actually grow)...but there are scarecrows aplenty...and a spooky old farmhouse!

The remaining robbers land the plane and head for the farmhouse. With the aid of night vision goggles and Janet Jackson-inspired headsets, our little A-Team sets out to find their AWOL partner in crime.

They come across the abandoned farmhouse - once owned by the Fowlers - three redneck hillbillies (we know this cause we keep seeing their crooked black & white family portrait on the farmhouse wall and their old truck has a Confederate flag - they must be Ted Nugent fans). A sign outside reads "No Trespassing" so of course it's an invitation for our crew to enter. Yikes, Scoob!

The team leader is a cleft-chinned matinee-idol named Corbin. He's the least interesting character in the whole movie. His cohorts includes a butch blonde Bonnie Tyler lookalike named Roxanne, who plays an unwilling babysitter for Kellie, the pilot's increasingly annoying teen-age daughter. Roxanne begins to warm up to Kellie by offering her some rouge (or "blush"), though the teen remains icy to her cosmetic offers and seductive gazes. Another likeable team member (Jack?) wears a red bandana around his neck, we assume it's because he's into fisting. Just a guess. There's also a huggable bald/daddy bear type fellow named Curry who seems to have an endless supply of cigars, cause he's smoking one is every scene! He also takes a liking to young miss Kellie, who is wearing virginal white and remains "clean" for most of the movie, while everyone else is covered in blood, sweat, dirt and rouge.

Kellie's dad is the first to go missing. So, then, one by one, the three main Scarecrows in the "cornfield" come alive and kill off the trespassers, dooming their victims to live on as scarecrow/zombies as well! Hmmm...three Scarecrows...three Fowlers in the dingy family photo. Do I really need to spell it out?

After almost all the thieves are systematically slaughtered in slasher-movie repitition, Kellie, Curry and Dax escape the farmhouse and make their way back to the plane (Kellie can fly it cause daddy showed her how), not knowing that daddy has now become a scarecrow!!! Of course, I'm not gonna tell you how it ends, you'll just ask "Huh?"

Well, aside from the occasional dorky Rambo references (it was 1988 after all) and some awkward lesbian moments between Roxanne and Kellie, there isn't much fun to be had here. And frankly, there's nothing much to be scared about either - unless of course you happen to be a crow. I give this one a 6 out of 10 "Huhs?" just for trying.

Some interesting notes: Radio news broadcast voice is provided by Don Herbert, the late Mr. Wizard. Station call letters are WORZ, but should be KORZ since this supposedly takes place in Southern California. Also, this is supposedly based on an actual event which occurred in Texas in 1972. But I think the part about the supernatural scarecrows was made-up to make the robbery story seem more interesting.