HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH

In the tradition of BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS and TROLL 2 (sequels that have absolutely nothing to do with the original), comes HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982, Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace) a sci-fi / horror film and the third installment in the popular HALLOWEEN series - but intended to be the first in an annual anthology series, releasing a new storyline every year around Halloween. So rather that continue the story of madman slasher Michael Myers, this oddball entry focuses on an evil scheme by the wacky owner of the Silver Shamrock Halloween mask company to pull a giant prank on Halloween night by controlling all of America's children through a trio of masks - a witch face, a pumpkin head, and a skull. The only mention of the previous HALLOWEEN films a scene where the trailer for the original film is seen on a TV set.
The story goes like this: a week before Halloween, a costume shop owner named Harry is being stalked by gang of dudes wearing business suits. Harry seeks shelter at a service station, but eventually collapses - in his hand is a Silver Shamrock pumpkin head mask. The gas station attendant transports Harry to hospital. Harry warns him "They're gonna kill us. All of us."

We are then treated to the first of many Silver Shamrock Halloween mask TV commercials. Sung to the tune of "London Bridge is Falling Down," the ad counts down the days until Halloween, encouraging child viewers to buy a new Silver Shamrock mask: "Eight more days 'til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Eight more days 'til Halloween, Silver Shamrock!" Their advertising budget must have been astronomical!
Next we meet Dan Challis, a hard drinking deadbeat dad who is also a brilliant doctor. Harry is hospitalized, but that doesn't last long, because his first visitor rips his head apart, killing him instantly. And it wasn't even visiting hours! The mystery head-ripper then goes to his car, where he drenches himself with gasoline and explodes. Ka-boom! Enter Harry's young daughter Ellie, who looks like a cross between singers Pat Benatar, Toni Basil and HAPPY DAYS' Joanie Cunningham. Ellie and the dirty doc soon team up to figure out what happened to Harry. Dr. Dan needs a drink.All clues seem to point to Santa Mira, CA, where Harry was last seen. The sleepy town is also the headquarters of the Silver Shamrock Novelty company. Surely Dan is disappointed that there is no happy hour in this town.The duo check into the local hotel, where Harry stayed right before he died. When Ellie insists on one room, Dan starts to get ideas about her.They soon learn Conal Cochran (who I swore they called "Colonel Cockring" ) and his mask factory are the sole source of income for Santa Mira. Meanwhile, booze hound Dan keeps calling his flirty Shelly Long lookalike friend who works in the hospital morgue to check if she's found anything the the ashes of the exploded car. This happens about three times.
Suddenly the movie becomes NATIONAL LAMPOON'S HALLOWEEN when we meet the other guests of the hotel: loudmouth Marge Guttman and the Buddy and Betty Kupfer and their son Little Buddy. They are all there to order new masks for Halloween - which is now only days away!!!Later, Dan and Ellie have sex. Ewwwww. The next day, the group gets a tour the Silver Shamrock factory and meet Mr. Burns, er Col. Cockring, er Cochran. All of Mr. C's workers seem to be young white men dressed in suits. Turns out Harry's car is being stored in the basement of the factory.
After Ellie is kidnapped by the men in suits, Dan sneaks into the factory, where he learns that Mr. C.'s henchmen are actually robots! What? Soon Dan is captured too and Mr. C. reveals that the Silver Shamrock logo on the inside of the rubber masks contain a device that is powered by a crumb of Stonehenge! Seriously.
When final Silver Shamrock TV commercial airs simultaneously on all three networks on Halloween, the device will activate, causing the childrens' heads to dissolve and emitting both crickets and snakes. Happy Halloween!
I don't want to spoil it, but in the end Dan manages to escape, rescue Ellie, and sabotage Mr. C's plans. Lots of things go boom and Halloween is saved from the Grinch. A surprise twist ending causes one to yell "what the fuck?" to the TV screen elevates this flick to an 7 outta 10. My biggest disappointment is that there's no witch anywhere in the film, except for the rubber mask...shouldn't it have been subtitled SEASON OF THE MASK?

THE PAUL LYNDE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL

A classic post. This may be the 4th time I'm running it. What has been heralded as one of the worst hours of television ever - THE PAUL LYNDE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL has got to be seen to be believed. This ABC special originally aired once in 1976, but after years of showing up a bootleg copies, it's finally available on DVD.The show has a loose "storyline", as legendary flamboyant HOLLYWOOD SQUARES celebrity Paul first thinks it's a Christmas special, then an Easter special, and then a Valentines Day special - until his elderly housekeeper (guest star Margaret Hamilton) sets him straight, so to speak. After a barrage of cornball jokes (some written by Bruce Vilanch), Paul breaks out in song: a decidedly Halloween take on "Kids" from "Bye, Bye Birdie". (Which Mr. Lynde introduced in the original Broadway show). Basically the song is a complaint about the younger generation, calling out everything that is wrong with them. My favorite line is "Too much Alice Cooper and not enough Alice Faye!" Like anyone in 1976 knew who Alice Faye was! During this number he gets attacked by trick or treaters dressed as devils - but two of the gang members are revealed to be his ABC pals Donny & Marie in a cheap cameo.After the song, Margaret convinces her bitchy and bitter boss Paul to take a drive with her to visit her sister, who lives at the mysterious Gloomsbury Manor. Sis turns out to be none other than the fabulous Witchie-Poo (Billie Hayes) from H.R. PUFNSTUF! Then, amazingly Margaret transforms herself into her WIZARD OF OZ character - the Wicked Witch of the West! Talk about crossovers! It turns out the witches want to enlist Paul to help them erase their negative media image. 1970s little person superstar Billy Barty shows up as the butler–just in time for some insulting midget jokes, followed by an appearance by a delightfully youthful Betty White as Miss Halloween 1976 - who has won a date with Paul, but she was expecting PAUL NEWMAN! The witches then offer Paul 3 wishes...Wish #1 - Paul wishes to be a "rhinestone trucker", apparently so he can communicate with Tim Conway via CB radio-which was all the rage in '76. Tim arrives at a dinner where Pinky Tuscadero (Roz Kelly from HAPPY DAYS) is the waitress. Tim is about to marry Pinky, but Paul crashes through the wall with his big rig in time to stop the wedding and ask Pinky to marry him instead! Pinky challenges the guys to a contest to see who's more macho. Billy Barty plays the "short order cook"-and he's the most macho!!!Whaa-whaa. What does all this have to do with Halloween? Then there's an awful musical number with Paul, Pinky and Tim and some square-dancing disco dancers. After which the witches invite some of their musician friends to perform "chamber music" for Paul - and the quartet turns out to be none other than KISS - who perform "Detroit Rock City," while the camera rotates 360 degrees and viewers get queasy. Then the witches play Monopoly with Paul. Huh?Wish #2 -Paul wishes he was in the Sarah dessert - he's now a dashingly romantic sheik and Florence Henderson is his potentially lusty lover. Mrs. Brady was already used to faking romance with gay leading men-so she plays along just fine. He tells her he first fell for her after he saw her "milking a cobra"! Then he talks about the "ruby portals of her lips" and he gives his rival Tim Conway a cock-a-too "cause a man gets lonely in the foreign legion." Bruce Vilanch was probably giggling backstage and loving that he got away with all this filthy innuendo. How can they top this? Wish #3 - Paul goes to a haunted discotheque - "the only play where a person can hustle without getting arrested". Then just when you think it can't get any worse, Florence appears sporting a Dorothy Hamill hairdo and a glittering black gown and sings a disco version of "That Old Black Magic".Then KISS comes back to sing the monster hit "Beth" and another song called "King of the Nighttime World." (I think it's supposed be about Larry King, but I'm not sure) It all comes to an end when Pinky returns to sing "Disco Lady" with Paul and the rest if the cast in an epic production number, while the guys from KISS look on in disbelief. Roll credits.
This has to be the strangest, gayest, bitchiest, most surreal mess ever to air on primetime TV - but of course, I love it. Now if only someone would put out a DVD set of the one-season wonder THE PAUL LYNDE SHOW - then I'd really be happy. Imagine Paul as an upscale, wisecracking Archie Bunker-type dad who gets dumped in the swimming pool each and every week - doesn't that sound truly heavenly?

Diller Memories...MAD MONSTER PARTY?

A classic post from October 2008 in memory of Ms. Diller.One of my alltime favorite Halloween treats when I was a kid was when local channel 9 WOR in New York would broadcast MAD MONSTER PARTY? (the question mark is part of the title-who knew?) on their 4:00 MOVIE.This wonderful Rankin/Bass "Animagic" feature was released theatrically in 1969-but really found its legs when it was syndicated to local stations in the 1970s. It's cast boasts a who's who of movie monsters - Count Dracula! The Wolf Man! The Mummy! The Invisible Man! Frankenstein's Monster! Dr. Jekyll! Mr. Hyde! The Creature (from the Black Lagoon)! The Hunchback of Notre Dame! It! (aka King Kong) and Phyllis Diller! The only one missing was John McCain.Boris Karloff voices Baron Von Frankenstein - who assembles these characters (The Worldwide Organization of Monsters) to announce his retirement - and introduce his nerdy nephew Felix and shapely new creation Francesca to the group. Even as a gay kid, I knew Francesca was HOT! I wonder if Francesca was the visual inspiration for MAD MEN's Joan Holloway? Hmmm...With character designs by the great Mad Magazine cartoonist Jack Davis, and some of the best stop-motion imagery ever, MAD MONSTER PARTY? is an absolute must-see for animation lovers. While the story may now be a bit slow-moving, and not as clever as I remember it from my childhood - I'd rather sit through this than the more recent "monster mash" called VAN HELSING any day of the year.MAD MONSTER PARTY also features some great musical numbers...and come on, you gotta love Phyllis Diller - here a pic of me and my husband John with Ms. Diller at her lovely Brentwood home in 2008. She's was 90+ and still a hoot!

For more info about Rankin/Bass visit Rick Goldschmidt's enchanting blog.

Broom-Hilda

Here's a little post I ran last Halloween season on another blog, HELLO THERE CUTIE, about one of our favorite wacky witches in the world!Comic strip diva Broom-Hilda is a old hag in dire need of a makeover. With green skin, a wart on the end of her nose, and very stringy hair, she could use a bit of a Beverly Hills NIP/TUCK. She always dresses quite fashionably in a little black dress, and accessorizes with a flower on top of her hat. Hilda is rumored to be Attila the Hun's ex-wife(!) and is always unsuccessfully trying to land a new husband. Cougar. Originally Hilda smoked cigars and drank like a sailor, but she seems to have mellowed out a bit in her old age.In our world, Broom-Hilda is a classic newspaper comic strip that began on April 19, 1970. Created by Russell Myers (no relation to Russ Meyers) it is still distributed by the Chicago Tribune Syndicate. You can read the strip every day here.

Tragic Halloween Costumes Megapost

Here's my entire Tragic Halloween Costumes series from 2008 for you to enjoy (again).
Ben Cooper costumes were always the highlight of the season for me. Even as a kid I knew that some of the costumes were pretty lame. For example, take a gander at this Kaye Ballard costume. Kaye, co-star of TV's lost treasure THE MOTHERS-IN-LAW has never looked better with her reverse flip hairdo and big bright smile...Oh wait a minute, why is Kaye Ballard wearing a plastic smock that says "Marie Osmond" and holding a box that pictures Donny, Marie and the dreaded Jimmy Osmond? Oh - because it's NOT a Kaye Ballard costume - it's Marie Osmond!!! Or is it? You decide...

Spooky. To complete the unholy Osmond trinity, here were have the frightening duo of Prop 8 supporter (boo! hiss!) Donny and Jimmy Osmond...Donny (pictured above) also looks a bit like Kaye Ballard...or perhaps even JoAnne Worley! There is something extremely unsettling about this mask - especially grouped with Marie and little Jimmy (pictured below).Jimmy, in the non-Halloween world, was always the creepiest and least talented of the Osmonds - and his Halloween mask has a certain sadness about it. The mask looks like it's saying "I know I'm not as pretty as Marie or as non-threateningly cute as Donny, but please try to look into your heart and try not to hate me - my parents forced me into this. I wish I wasn't born an Osmond, there's just too much pressure. Help."

Long before the madness known as AMERICAN GIRL became our latest national nightmare, young girls (and some adventurous boys) imagined themselves living in the pioneer world of LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE. Yes, there were kids who actually enjoyed making believe they worked the fields in Walnut Grove, taught in a school for the blind and battled the devil incarnate herself, Nellie Oleson. Melissa Gilbert as Laura Ingalls Wilder was extremely cute, but it didn't hurt your teeth to look at her (like many other sugary child stars of the 1970s). She had a sweet, wholesome and believable cuteness that kept us tuning in on Monday nights, even into the 1980s when Laura had a husband and kids of her own.So why then, did they make a Halloween mask that made her look more like, um...Perez Hilton?Poor "Half Pint". Next, let's take a look at some magically themed Halloween costumes. Starting with BEWITCHED's Samantha Stephens herself...Well, looking a bit like a drunken drag queen, Sam came in two un-fabulous versions. Both with garish mustard yellow capes and old school witch hats. Why not make the costume match the famous animated Samantha from the opening titles? Oh Ben Cooper, you were such a tease! Well, at least they got her hair color right, unlike...Jeannie from I DREAM OF JEANNIE! Why on Earth would they give her red hair? And again with the yellow! Yuck! Jeannie was known for wearing PINK, not yellow! It's almost like they went out of their way to make her look nothing like the actual character. And these were official licensed products! Ironically, the mask looks more like Barbara Eden today...Getting back to witches...
Here's Witchiepoo from Sid & Marty Krofft's psychedelic kiddie classic H.R. PUFNSTUF. This costume actually works for me. The mask looks like the character and the trippy graphic is kinda cute, even though the illustration makes her look more like 70s era Bette Midler than Billie Hayes. I think this is the best costume I've come across (so far).

Next we have THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, who looks more like CBS newsman Dan Rather. Also, the graphic illustration is perversely out of proportion. I did not realise that Steve Austin has elephantitis of the head.
And then there's THE BIONIC WOMAN...which isn't half-bad, but why does she look like she's sleeping? Oh - this must represent Jamie Sommers' in a coma - after her parachuting accident. Wake up, Jamie - wake up!!!
I wonder if Ben Cooper ever made a FEMBOT costume? Now that would have been terrific - especially if it came with the requisite rainbow smock and Ronald MacDonald fright wig!Now let's take a at some Garry Marshall inspired fright masks. No, not a Julia Roberts/PRETTY WOMAN hooker costume, but some 1970s classics from the days when Marshall was behind almost every ABC sitcom. He-ey! Check out this great Abe Vigoda mask...no wait ...it's Henry Winkler as Arthur Fonzerelli...
Why did they feel the need to make Fonzie's ears, nose and chin gigantic??? Moving right along, we have those lovable roommates, LAVERNE & SHIRLEY...Yikes!!!

Actually and sadly, these masks are pretty accurate. But what Laverne without her giant "L"??? Boo! Hey does anybody have a Pam Dawber mask? Nope, just the annoying alien known as Mork from Ork...

Na-No, Na-No...Shaz-Bot! I have nothing else to say. After Garry, Aaron Spelling was responsible for some of the most memorable TV shows of the 1970s. His ABC shows of this period ran the gamut from crime dramas to romantic comedies. Most were Top 10 hits and were mostly aimed towards "adult" audiences, but a few inspired Halloween costumes.Nothing like dressing up your little girl as the late Farah Fawcett-Majors, the queen of "jiggle tv". Not sure why Farah's costume isn't branded as a CHARLIE'S ANGELS costume like Kate Jackson's Sabrina. Oddly enough, the horse-faced Kate mask looks more like Tori Spelling!

Wow - a Gavin MacLeod costume! Well, he didn't get one as Murray from MARY TYLER MOORE, but I wonder what little kid actually wanted to be Captain Stubing from THE LOVE BOAT for Halloween.
And finally, Tattoo from FANTASY ISLAND. What a wonderful way to empower your short child! Wonder if they had a Mr. Rouke get-up for the taller kids?

Who is that masked man? The Lone Ranger? The Red Arrow? The Red Lantern? Nope - it's "One of The Brady Bunch"!!! This has got to be the lamest costume yet. "One of The Brady Bunch"??? WTF? They couldn't make a Greg or Marcia mask - or even a generic set of brunette guys and blonde gals??? I feel sorry for the kids who had to wear this dumb get-up. Even cousin Oliver wouldn't be caught dead in this one.

Hey Mr.Kotter, show you how much we love ya- here's a costume with some badly drawn caricatures of you and your favorite students...

As a bonus we have everybody's favorite sweathog, Vinnie Barbarino as played by everybody's favorite Scientologist–John Travolta!
The mask is not that bad, but once again the costume leaves much to be desired. "BARBARINO" it screams with electrifying Dianetically-inspired red and yellow mortices behind a black & white illustration of Travolta's head. Actually, it's growing on me–it kinda has a pop art appeal, in fact it would make a pretty awesome tee-shirt.

Okay, next here's a duo of Halloween costumes that I guess were progressive for their time. First up - we have David Carradine as half-Chinese 19th-Century monk and martial artist Caine from the cult TV series KUNG FU. Of course as a kid, I thought the character was actually named "Kung Fu" and the costume graphic doesn't dispute that concept. Also, I never questioned why the actor was clearly caucasian - I just took it for granted - I guess bald=Asian, like Yul Brynner in THE KING & I. It's believable that Carradine might be at least half Chinese, right? (In fact, the late Carradine had Irish, English, Scottish, Welsh, German, Spanish, Italian, Ukrainian and Cherokee ancestry - seemingly everything BUT Chinese).

As far as the costume goes, the mask is pretty good - but once again the costume part is pretty bad. Though, much like Barbarino - this would make a hot tee-shirt. If Caine ever travelled through time and needed someone to nurse his battle wounds, JULIA would be the perfect woman for the job!
I really like this costume, mostly because it doesn't say "JULIA" across the front of it. The mask is pleasant enough, though a bit dark compared to Diahann Carroll's skin tone, but I'll let that slide. I do like that it has a white nurse's cap on top and that the "cape" is emboldened with medical symbols, making it very authentic (for a kid's costume). What I also like is that this is actually a costume that could be used year-round whenever kids decided to play doctor - unlike most of the Halloween get-ups which seem so specific. This is totally one of my faves.

Sid & Marty Krofft created some of the freakiest and best-loved kids shows of the 1970s. Because most of their shows featured people in strange costumes - Halloween was the perfect time to celebrate the weird and wonderful world of Krofft. Let's start with the classic sci-fi adventure LAND OF THE LOST. This NBC outing was the saga of a family (Marshall, Will and Holly) who, on a routine expedition, met the greatest Earthquake ever known! Somehow they wound up in a strange world populated by friendly and not-so-friendly dinosaurs, ape-like creatures called Pakuni and lizard-men called Sleestaks. I could go on for days about the show: how Marshall was replaced by "Uncle Jack," and how the big-budget, big-screen adaptation sucked so much. But instead, here is a Sleestak costume:

The mask is pretty good - but too bad the smock isn't as fabulous as the shimmering one worn by the TV Sleestaks. I guess I should stop complaining about these damn costumes by now, but WHY is there a horrible drawing of a Pakuni family rather than a portrait of Marshall, Will and Holly??? Another fun Krofft adventure show was ELECTRA WOMAN AND DYNA GIRL - which aired as part of ABC's KROFFT SUPERSHOW. Electra Woman was brilliantly portrayed by delightful daytime diva Deidre Hall (best known as the sometimes Satan-possessed Dr Marlena Evans on DAYS OF OUR LIVES).
Okay, I have to admit - this costume is pretty good, but I wonder how many little girls (or gay men) recycled the mask and put on a lab coat and green contacts to go as Marlena for Halloween???A lesser known Krofft show was ABC's BIGFOOT AND WILDBOY . Here's the costume...
Bruce Vilanch never looked better.

And finally - just for fun here's the over-the-top Witchie-Poo from H.R. PUFNSTUF again cause I just love Billie Hayes. Check out her cool website! She's adorable and does great things for animals.
So there you have it – the good, the bad and the ugly. But enough about Jimmy Osmond.