TWO ON A GUILLOTINE

From 2010: TWO ON A GUILLOTINE is a film that I've waited years to see. Thanks to The Warner Archive Collection, it's now possible to own this rare and unusual film from 1965. Directed by actor William Conrad (CANNON, JAKE & THE FATMAN) from a quasi-Grand Guignol script by Henry Slesar (THE TWILIGHT ZONE, THE EDGE OF NIGHT).
The film opens with a wonderfully demented scene involving magician John Duquesne (played by the late, over-the-top closeted gay actor Cesar Romero) performing a ghastly trick involving his wife Melinda and a very sharp object.
After the prologue, we find out that poor Melinda has gone missing. We also learn that the new library has been dedicated and "casual labor" rules have been clarified by an official. Thank heavens!

Flash forward a bunch of years and Duquesne has suddenly died. His estranged daughter Cassie (played by Debbie Reynolds lookalike and future John McCain supporter Connie Stevens) shows up at this funeral, and later attends the read of his will-at the Hollywood Bowl.
Cassie must spend seven nights in her father's mansion in order to inherit his estate. A reporter named Val Henderson (played by future Disney star, Jesus freak and gay marriage opponent Dean Jones) takes an interest in her, but we are not sure if his aim is true because he doesn't let on that he's with the press.
Things get off to a spooky start when Cassie flips a light switch and something surprising happens. Here's a spoiler-free hint: the lights don't turn on.

Turns out dad was quite the prankster and the mansion is full of mildly spooky gags that would make any rational person giggle.
But Cassie can't take a joke, and any time she encounters one of her father's scare tactics, she calls on Val to save her. So Val begins to spend the nights with her in the house-in his own room.

When a belligerent new housekeeper shows up and insinuates that the two are a couple, they get all defensive.

After Hazel quits, Val takes Cassie out for a few thrills and we get to see a really cool mid-60s amusement park. They ride a roller coaster, explore a house of mirrors and ride the coolest hanging orb thing.

See - I told you it was cool.

Then Val takes her to a nightclub, where three cool chicks dance in a giant cage. Is that Mink Stole in the middle?

What follows next is the most amazing and sexy scene in which Val just stares at Cassie.

And Cassie stares back at Val. I think David Lynch must have seen this as a young man and decided to become a filmmaker.

Then they kiss. And kiss. And kiss.

A two-sided pillow that they won at the amusement park, flips over to the "GO" side.

Oh did I mention, that there's a white rabbit living in the house that apparently nobody feeds or cleans up after?

Daddy's old housekeeper Dolly pays a visit. She's been drinking and she lets it all out - revealing the truth about Mr. Duquesne, his poor wife and other terrible secrets! When it's revealed that Val is a reporter, Cassie boots him out.

Oops - you weren't supposed to see that!

Poor Cassie, looks like she's not gonna last all seven nights...

especially when her nightmares become more and more ghoulish.

Oh, hi dad!

 Hey - wait a minute, I'm not supposed to be in here!!!

So Cassie wakes up and takes a stroll around the mansion, entering a locked room where dad kept his infamous guillotine.

Wait...is Nicole Kidman in this movie? No, it's just Cassie getting startled by something else.

Silly rabbit.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Meanwhile, Val gets the rest of the story from Dolly. I'm not telling, but is that a hint of incest in the air?

Oh no - how did Cassie end up in this predicament?

Um, that looks kinda sharp. I sure hope somebody doesn't back into the lever....

Yikes.

I'm not giving it away. But, happily the rabbit does not die.

I love this movie. 10 outa 10. Sure, it's been called "a dull, silly, tedious clinker" and "an old-fashioned, haunted-house spooker" - but give me this over a CGI-induced 3D movie based on a video game any day of the week. But that's just me, and I'm glad. Be sure to read the Dell comic book adaptation.

On a side, note how about we adopt "The Right to Love" as a pro-gay marriage anthem? Take that, Dean Jones.

Christmas is like magic

It sure is with this magical View-Master ad. (click on image to enlarge) I wonder if kids today would be excited to get a View-Master for Christmas? Probably not, and how very sad that is.

The HARRY POTTER Experiment - Part 3

I concluded my foray into the world of Hogwarts, Muggles and other obnoxiously silly words by watching the 5th and 6th films in the HARRY POTTER series.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX welcomed new director David Yates aboard and is a vast improvement over the previous installment. The kids are growing like it's going out of style and the stakes are raised as The Ministry of Magic attempts a takeover of Hogwart's. The wonderful Imelda Staunton comes aboard as my favorite villain so far, Dolores Umbridge. Gary Oldman and Helena Bonham Carter also show up in fun roles. It's all about Dementors, Death Eaters and deception as characters introduced in earlier segments begin to reveal their true colors. This thrilling episode is my second favorite in the series so far.

Yates thankfully returned for HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE in which supporting character Draco Malfoy is elevated to super villain, joining forces with other malevolent menaces such as Severus Snape and Bellatrix LeStrange in their attempts to eliminate Harry and his friends from existence. Harry begins a mission to collect seven objects that must be destroyed to put an end to Lord Voldemort's immortal reign of terror - but things don't go as planned.  An exciting outing overall, this sixth film serves a a pre-able to the final installment(s) ot the series, HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, PART ONE of which I subsequently watched on Blu-ray and PART TWO which arrives in theaters tonight at midnight (I already saw it and it's a pretty wild ride). This
"experiment" was a fun way to spend six consecutive evenings - something I've never did before. I'm glad I've seen the films and now I can answer questions posed to me by my youthful coworkers. I guess I've drank the Kool-Aid.

A jolly holiday with NANNY & THE PROFESSOR

Here's a special Easter re-post of one of my favorites. I hope you do enjoy this the second time around.

Bcak when ABC needed a replacement for THE FLYING NUN, they turned to AJ Carothers, a writer for MY THREE SONS and Disney (THE HAPPIEST MILLIONAIRE, EMIL AND THE DETECTIVES). Carothers took one part MARY POPPINS, one part BEWITCHED plus a little pinch of FAMILY AFFAIR and gave us NANNY AND THE PROFESSOR. This short-lived (54 episodes) sitcom starred British actress Juliet Mills as Phoebe Figalilly, better known as Nanny. This Disney-influenced mini-classic is best remembered for it's groovy theme song composed by Steve Zuckerman & Fred Calvert, and performed by The Addrisi Brothers.

"Soft and sweet, wise and wonderful


Oooh, our mystical, magical Nanny


Since the day that Nanny came to stay with us


Fantastic things keep happening


Is there really magic in the things she does?


Or is love the only magic thing that Nanny brings?


You know our Nanny showed us


You can make the impossible happen


Nanny told us
Have a little bit of faith and lots of love


Phoebe Figalilly is a silly name


And so many silly things keep happening


What is this magic thing about Nanny


Is it love....or is it magic?"



In the pilot, Miss Figalilly arrived from the UK and is hired as housekeeper and governess for the Everett family.

Professor Harold Everett (Richard Long) is a widower with three children in need of guidance: Hal (David Doremus), Butch (Trent Lehman), and Prudence (Kim Richards).

Nanny almost instantly won over the family's hearts with her magical powers. She could talk to the animals, had ESP, had climate control capabilities as a harp is gently plucked over the soundtrack.The show was adapted into a series of three paperback novels by William Johnston, published in 1970: Nanny and the Professor, What Hath Nanny Wrought? and The Bloop Box .
A NANNY AND THE PROFESSOR comic bookwas published by Dell Comics in the early 70s.

After leaving primetime, the concept returned to ABC on Saturday mornings via the ABC SATURDAY SUPERSTAR MOVIE.

Cougarish Juliet Mills later married TV hunk Maxwell Cauldfield (Miles Colby on THE COLBYS) and then appeared on the campy NBC soap PASSIONS as 300-year-old witch.

Richard Long died in 1974 at the age of 47. David Doremus no longer acts, but lives Los Angeles. Sadly, Trent Lehman committed suicide in 1982 at the age of 20. Kim Richards appeared in a string of NBC series and in several Disney movies including a cameo the recent WITCH MOUNTAIN remake. Rumor has it she later appeared on some reality show, but that has yet to be confirmed. I'm hoping for a NANNY AND THE PROFESSOR dvd release some day soon.

THE MANITOU

Here's a treat that I originally posted back in spring 2008.

THE MANITOU (1978), based on the novel by Graham Masterton, is your basic 1970s medical drama with horror elements, sort of like MARCUS WELBY, M.D. meets THE NIGHT GALLERY. It 's also cinematic tour of the entire San Francisco Bay Area! It concerns a pretty, single cable car-riding city gal named Karen (played by Susan Strasberg, daughter of acting guru Lee) who discovers a strange unexplainable growth on her upper back. After 3 days, her doctors decide it's a quickly growing tumor and decide to operate.

Luckily Karen had a muumuu-wearing phoney fortune teller friend named Harry (played by Tony Curtis who was clearly channelling Paul Lynde because he's playing the gayest banger-of-Susan-Strasberg ever), who after several attempts at giving her a "good" tarot card-reading decides that this growth may be worrisome. Later, an elderly client of Harry's becomes possessed and begins to mumble in strange languages after he deals her the "death" card - and then the old woman levitates and floats down the hallway, killing herself by falling down a flight of stairs, taking the entire wooden railing with her, section by section. This is the best scene in the film.















Meanwhile, at the Sisters of Jerusalem Hospital, Dr. Hughes attempts to remove her growth - but the surgery is called short when something forces him to cut his own hand with a scalpel. When Harry goes to visit Dr. Hughes in his futuristic office (he has a NASA-sized computer...and a red "bat-phone"!), he discovers that her growth might actually be a fetus(!) growing on the back of her neck. How did it get there? I guess maybe all that oral sex she's been having could be to blame?

Harry then decides to seek help from another psychic, so he travels down to Fisherman's Wharf to meet Amelia Crusoe (played by the usually slutty Stella Stevens - apparently in some sort of Gypsy makeup, and bordering on blackface) and her fat, bearded husband. They invite a fat, VERY fat Ann Sothern over for a séance and things only get weirder, as chandeliers start to twirl and a creepy rubber head rises out of a the center of table - and it all ends with a bolt of lightning!

Back at the hospital, Karen`s tumor continues to grow at an alarming rate, causing Harry and company to trek even further North, over the Golden Gate bridge to Sausalito - where cantankerous Dr. Snow (Burgess Meredith, aka The Penguin) resides. Snow takes the crew into his dusty attic to show them his spiderweb collection. Here The Penguin tells Harry that he thinks Karen's problem is that she has a 400 year old Native American medicine man growing on her back - and he wants revenge!!! Better get Commishoner Gordon on that bat-phone, Dr. Hughes.

Next, Harry travels all the way to South Dakota - wearing what looks like bare-ass jeans - to find John Singing Rock (played by Barbara Eden's ex-husband Michael Ansara), one of the last remaining indian medicine men, who as it turns out, has the power to send the Indian Spirit back to where he came. But will the tumor man take over Karen completely before Rock can send him back to demon land?

So Harry and Rock head back to the Bay Area where Rock sizes up the situation. He unwraps his bag of tricks and decides to induce birth. Before you know it, Karen goes into labor, soon giving back birth to a naked brown-skinned dwarf with an Alanis Morrissette face and a buff gym body (played Felix Silla from BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY) named Misquamacas or Miss Kwamacas.

The demon dwarf manages to kill an intern and break the mystic protective circle around the bed that Rock has made, and scares everybody by turning into a ridiculous-looking double exposed lizard. Then he goes all Mister Freeze and manages to create a wicked Winter Wonderland inside the hospital - even freezing the recptionist/nurse solid. So solid, that her pretty little head just snaps off. Miss Kwamacas then brings the dead orderly back to life to use as a weapon - to battle his lookalike!

In a big finale that has to be seen to be believed -Karen's hospital room then is transported into space! Karen sits up in bed wearing a giant Dottie West wig, topless (you can practically hear her dad Lee turning over in his grave!) and blasting lightning bolts and shooting electricity from her fingertips. For like 8 minutes. While Harry and the Rock duck and cover from the blasts. Over and over again. For the aforementioned 8 minutes.

Somehow the combination of Dr. Hughes and the Rock decide that Miss Kwamacas can only be defeated by turning on every computer in the hospital at the same time - causing a power surge and freeing Karen from his grasp. And it works! But not before Dr. Hughes explodes. Yes, he explodes. Much like your brain if you try to figure out this plot - which it turns out is based, not only on a novel, but also on a true story. Huh???









































From the same director of ABBY, William Girdler, who tragically died after completing this film. Imagine the great films he would have made!!! THE MANITOU gets a 7 outta 10 on the "Huh?" scale.