A NEW KIND OF LOVE

In August 2009, as part of the SO BAD THEY'RE BRILLIANT film festival - I went to see the Diana Ross melodrama MAHOGANY, followed by a curiosity called A NEW KIND OF LOVE co-starring the usually great Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward.

What the hell were they thinking? Casting Oscar-winning supercouple, the usually charming Newman and ordinarily lovely Woodward in a fluffy screwball romantic comedy in the Doris Day / Rock Hudson mold? You would think that at least Paul and Joanne would have great on-screen chemistry and a knack for comic timing - but you would be dead wrong. Romantique? Oui? Non!
A NEW KIND OF LOVE (1963, directed by Melville Shavelson) starts out on a misogynistic foot with an overlong sequence comparing women shoppers to a herd of stampeding cows. Excusez-moi?Things only get worse from there as we meet Joanne's Samantha Blake, a butched up manhating "half-maiden" (whatever that means) who works for a department store as a spy who aids in producing knock-offs of expensive fashions (ala mode) for the everyday gal. The wonderful Thelma Ritter steals the show as Sam's old maid wise-cracking man-hungry coworker Leena. Merveilleux!
Sam's boss, penny-pinching department store head Mr. Joe Bergner (George Tobias, better known as BEWITCHED's Abner Kravitz) decides that the menage à trois needs to go directly to Paris to steal haute couture from the source. Unfortunately the film's budget only allowed their doubles to go to Paris, so anytime we see anyone in Paris they are either super-imposed in front of a screen or shot from about a mile away. Bon voyage!
Newman is cast as a sexist (and sexy) journalist Steve Sherman who can't stop screwing every woman he meets - which lands him in deep excrément when he mistakenly beds his boss' wife. The results? He is exiled to Paris via SAS Airlines! Can you guess where this is going? En garde!Paul and Joanne have a few awkward encounters when he mistakes her for a man and she calls him on his drinking and sexist ways. Hungarian sexpot Eva Gabor comes along and joins Thelma Ritter in competition for Mr. Bergner's affection for champagne and French Onion Soup, bringing the moribund story back to life everytime they appear. Ambiance!
We learn that Sam really doesn't hate men, she was just burned once and decided to cut her hair and dress unattractively to spite them all. What follows next is an odd religious ceremony overseen by ancient French icon Maurice Chevalier (who does an endless medley of his songs).
What I've learned that apparently on Saint Catherine’s Day (November 25 of each year), couture houses in Paris throw Catherinette parties for all unmarried women over the age of 25. The women are forced wear exotic hats in Saint Catherine’s colors, yellow and green and run through the streets of Paris like raving lunatics looking for men, sort of what the Red Hat Society does in the US today. Oh la la!
In the weirdest sequence in the entire film, Sam, drunk on booze and Chevalier songs, says a prayer to a statue of St. Catherine and the statue tells her to go to Elizabeth Arden for a makeover. For real. Sacrebleu!

So, Sam does this and through a montage we see her transform from a tomboy into a ridiculous drag queen named Mimi. Mimi winds up at an outdoor cafe where concentration camp survivor/TV actor Robert Clary pimps her out as a call girl to - you guessed it - Steve! Aidez-moi!So Steve decides to do a series of articles about the prostitutes of Paris and his subject is our "half-maiden" Sam. She decides to play along with the charade, feeding Steve stories from CAMILLE. When she runs out of ideas, she relays one of of Eva Gabor's sordid tales. Silly and poorly-executed fantasy sequences play out featuring Sam/Mimi and Steve. Au Gratin!

Through a series of wacky occurances, Mr. Bergner gets engaged to Eva, then after her tawdry past resurfaces in Steve's article - the engagement is off, so Steve fixes Mr. Bergner up with Sam/Mimi! In the end, Steve figures out what Sam is up to and after threatening to strangle and punch her, decides to French kiss her and declare that he wants her to be the mother of his children. S'il vous plait!
And poor Leena finally gets Mr. Bergner to notice her after 15 years and they decide to go out for Fench Onion soup. Bon Apetit!

Overall, A NEW KIND OF LOVE an unappealing mishmosh with poor pacing, flat dialogue, unfunny jokes and terrible editing choices. Seek it out only to see what happens when great actors make poor choices or if you are into the fashion, wigs and look of 1963 Paris. I wonder what the French thought of this film? Au revoir!

TROLL 2

In honor of the L.A. premiere of the documentary BEST WORST MOVIE (Opening THIS FRIDAY, May 21, at the Landmark NuArt), I re-present my post about TROLL 2!
ATROLL 2 (1990 directed by Claudio Fragasso aka Drake Floyd) is one of those rare sequels that requires that you know nothing about the first film because it is, in fact NOT a sequel to TROLL. Not only that, but no actual trolls appear in TROLL 2- only Goblins. One wonders why it wasn't called TROLL 2: RISE OF THE GOBLINS or something to that effect. This film has gained quite a cult following in the past few years and I needed to see why.The plot of this oddball exercise in filmmaking concerns an average suburban family (Mom, Dad, two kids and a dead grandpa), who decide to swap houses with a Amish-like countrified clan from the nearby small "half-empty" town called Nilbog–and the madness that ensues.

We first meet a likable freckle-faced boy named Joshua and his dead grandfather, Seth. Yup - gramps died 6 months earlier but he just can't stop hanging out in Joshua's room, reading him scary bedtime stories. Tonight he's telling the tale of THE GOBLINS - the mischievous vegetarian creatures who trick humans into consuming magical food which will turn them into vegetables–so the goblins can eat them!Meanwhile Joshua's horny sister, Holly- a Jazzercise junkie– is visited by her beau Elliot. She thinks he might be gay because he spends too much time with his male friends. Holly wants Elliot to join her family on vacation in Nilbog–but Holly insists–only if he comes without his buddies. Here's a sample of the snappy dialogue between them:

Elliott: I'm the victim of a nocturnal rapture. I have to release my lowest instincts with a woman.
Holly: [slams Elliott in the balls] Release your instincts in the bathroom.
Elliott: Are you nuts? You tryin' to turn me into a homo?
Holly: Wouldn't be too hard. If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you.

Later, in the car, after mom coaxes Joshua to "sing that song I like so much" (aka "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"), Joshua has a feverish nightmare about his family turning into goblins. Grandpa Seth appears again, posing as a hitchhiker on the side of the road. Joshua tells his parents to stop the car because he has to puke. Ghostly Seth informs urges him to convince his parents to turn back or else they'll be eaten by goblins in Nilbog! The family coax Joshua back into the car and away from the homeless man. They think that Joshua is making up stories. I have to point out here that the poor actors playing the parents are among the worst I've ever seen - you have to wonder if it's the director's fault.

When they arrive in Nilbog, the townspeople seem a bit odd and aloof, very Stepford. Their doppelganger family has left them a meal that is covered in green cake frosting. Grampa the friendly ghost tells Joshua he must stop his family from eating the food. So, Seth pulls a Hiro from HEROES and freezes time (WTF?) and crafty Joshua whips out his little Joshua and urinates all over the dinner table. I'm not kidding.

Actual dialogue:

Father: You can't piss on hospitality! I WON'T ALLOW IT!
Joshua: What are you going to do to me, Daddy?

Father: Tightening my belt one loop so that I don't feel hunger pains, and your sister and mother will have to do likewise.

Meanwhile, Elliot and his three "gay" friends have arrived via a RV in search of Nilbog poontang, much to Holly's chagrin. One of the guys goes out for a stroll and comes across a woman who looks like she was attacked with a green cake decorator kit.

The dude and the chick are captured by a young over-acting woman in bad old-woman makeup (she's called Creedence Leonore Gielgud), who forces the duo to drink a cup of smoking, bubbling green brew that paralyses them.

The woman is soon eaten alive by goblins and the dude morphs into a green plant. The goblins' costumes: burlap potato sacks for clothes and latex masks with painted eyes.Later, Grandpa Seth appears to Holly in a mirror and she briefly freaks out. After she and Joshua swap rooms, Gramps reappears and tells Seth tells him he must convince his parents to return home!!! The next day, Joshua and pop go into town to get food that isn't covered in piss. Little Joshua looks into a car side-view mirror hoping to contact Grandpa again, but instead discovers is reflection that "Nilbog" is "Goblin" backwards. Creepy. Not.Before you know it, the friendly townsfolk have Joshua in the Church basement where the local preacher man attempts to force feed him "ice cream". Apparently dairy is still part of the Nilbog diet. Dad shows up just in time!

Another one of Elliot's "gay" friends is sent to buy food, and is offered a ride by the seductive Sheriff, who tricks him into eating a sandwich covered in green shit. The kid gets all queasy but makes his way into the store-and asks for non-veg breakfast foods.
Shopkeeper: Are you crazy, boy? We're vegetarians here in Nilbog. Didn't you know that? Here's some Nilbog milk. Special milk. High in vitamin content. Here, it's free.Somewhere around here is a seduction scene involving Creedence Leonore Gielgud , a corn cob and a teen-age boy who likes popcorn. Nuff said.

Later, Creedence Leonore Gielgud brings a housewarming gift to Joshua's mother. She says its pudding, but it looks like cake with green icing to me. Dad and Joshua return to the house to find that the village have prepared a housewarming celebration to welcome them to town and apologize for earlier misunderstanding earlier. Joshua thinks this is a trap – and runs upstairs where he is attacked by a goblin. Grandpa Seth suddenly appears and chops off the goblin's hand! Turns out the goblin was Creedence Leonore Gielgud! I think. Super Gramps soon hurls a Molotov Cocktail at the townsfolk - and the preacher man catches on fire - as he burns it is revealed that he and all the towns people are goblins!The family runs back inside the house. Now they believe that Joshua was telling the truth and that they need to contact Granpa Seth somehow.

Holly: But how are we going to make grandpa come?
Joshua: We NEED Grandpa Seth here!
Holly: But how do we get him to come? By having a seance maybe?Joshua: You're genius big sister!

So the family (plus Elliot- who seems to have forgotten about his 3 buddies) hold a séance to contact Grandpas, who tells them that he has only ten minutes left in the mortal world. Of course, then the goblins bust into the house and Dad demands that they run upstairs. Somehow Joshua and Seth are now in the church and Joshua needs put his hands on the Magic Stone Henge wall in order to defeat the goblins. Gramps then and gives him a grocery bag and vanishes.Creedence Leonore Gielgud appears (having grown her hand back!) and corners Joshua. He reaches into the the bag and pulls out a double decker baloney sandwich, which he promptly eats. How does it all end? I won't spoil it for you, but as a vegan I find it slightly offensive. Just kidding.

As mentioned above, Michael Stephenson, the child actor who played Joshua in TROLL 2, has recently made a feature-length documentary about the film called BEST WORST MOVIE. The film has been playing to sold-out crowds in New York, has its L.A. premiere tomorrow night - I am so looking forward to seeing it. It was recently announced that TROLL 2: PART 2 is in pre-production. Check all it out here. As for TROLL 2 - WOW - 10 outta 10.

TROLL 2

Just in time for Halloween...TROLL 2 (1990 directed by Claudio Fragasso aka Drake Floyd) is one of those rare sequels that requires that you know nothing about the first film because it is, in fact NOT a sequel to TROLL. Not only that, but no actual trolls appear in TROLL 2- only Goblins. One wonders why it wasn't called TROLL 2: RISE OF THE GOBLINS or something to that effect. This film has gained quite a cult following in the past few years and I needed to see why.The plot of this oddball exercise in filmmaking concerns an average suburban family (Mom, Dad, two kids and a dead grandpa), who decide to swap houses with a Amish-like countrified clan from the nearby small "half-empty" town called Nilbog–and the madness that ensues.

We first meet a likable freckle-faced boy named Joshua and his dead grandfather, Seth. Yup - gramps died 6 months earlier but he just can't stop hanging out in Joshua's room, reading him scary bedtime stories. Tonight he's telling the tale of THE GOBLINS - the mischievious vegetarian creatures who trick humans into consuming magical food which will turn them into vegetables–so the goblins can eat them!Meanwhile Joshua's horny sister, Holly- a Jazzercise junkie– is visited by her beau Elliot. She thinks he might be gay because he spends too much time with his male friends. Holly wants Elliot to join her family on vacation in Nilbog–but Holly insists–only if he comes without his buddies. Here's a sample of the snappy dialogue between them:
Elliott: I'm the victim of a nocturnal rapture. I have to release my lowest instincts with a woman.
Holly: [slams Elliott in the balls] Release your instincts in the bathroom.
Elliott: Are you nuts? You tryin' to turn me into a homo?
Holly: Wouldn't be too hard. If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you.

Later, in the car, after mom coaxes Joshua to "sing that song I like so much" (aka "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"), Joshua has a feverish nightmare about his family turning into goblins. Granpa Seth appears again, posing as a hitchhiker on the side of the road. Joshua tells his parents to stop the car because he has to puke. Ghostly Seth informs urges him to convince his parents to turn back or else they'll be eaten by goblins in Nilbog! The family coax Joshua back into the car and away from the homeless man. They think that Joshua is making up stories. I have to point out here that the poor actors playing the parents are among the worst I've ever seen - you have to wonder if it's the director's fault.

When they arrive in Nilbog, the townspeople seem a bit odd and aloof, very Stepford. Their doppleganger family has left them a meal that is covered in green cake frosting. Grampa the friendly ghost tells Joshua he must stop his family from eating the food. So, Seth pulls a Hiro from HEROES and freezes time (WTF?) and crafty Joshua whips out his little Joshua and urinates all over the dinner table. I'm not kidding.

Actual dialogue:
Father: You can't piss on hospitality! I WON'T ALLOW IT!
Joshua: What are you going to do to me, Daddy?

Father: Tightening my belt one loop so that I don't feel hunger pains, and your sister and mother will have to do likewise.

Meanwhile, Elliot and his three "gay" friends have arrived via a RV in search of Nilbog poontang, much to Holly's chagrin. One of the guys goes out for a stroll and comes across a woman who looks like she was attacked with a green cake decorator kit.

The dude and the chick are captured by a young over-acting woman in bad old-woman makeup (she's called Creedence Leonore Gielgud), who forces the duo to drink a cup of smoking, bubbling green brew that paralyses them.

The woman is soon eaten alive by goblins and the dude morphs into a green plant. The goblins' costumes: burlap potato sacks for clothes and latex masks with painted eyes.Later, Grandpa Seth appears to Holly in a mirror and she briefly freaks out. After she and Joshua swap rooms, Gramps reappears and tells Seth tells him he must convince his parents to return home!!! The next day, Joshua and pop go into town to get food that isn't covered in piss. Little Joshua looks into a car side-view mirror hoping to contact Grandpa again, but instead discovers is reflection that "Nilbog" is "Goblin" backwards. Creepy. Not.Before you know it, the friendly townsfolk have Joshua in the Church basement where the local preacher man attempts to force feed him "ice cream". Apparently dairy is still part of the Nilbog diet. Dad shows up just in time!

Another one of Elliot's "gay" friends is sent to buy food, and is offered a ride by the seductive Sheriff, who tricks him into eating a sandwich covered in green shit. The kid gets all queasy but makes his way into the store-and asks for non-veg breakfast foods.
Shopkeeper: Are you crazy, boy? We're vegetarians here in Nilbog. Didn't you know that? Here's some Nilbog milk. Special milk. High in vitamin content. Here, it's free.Somewhere around here is a seduction scene involving Creedence Leonore Gielgud , a corn cob and a teen-age boy who likes popcorn. Nuff said.

Later, Creedence Leonore Gielgud brings a housewarming gift to Joshua's mother. She says its pudding, but it looks like cake with green icing to me. Dad and Joshua return to the house to find that the village have prepared a housewarming celebration to welcome them to town and apologize for earlier misunderstanding earlier. Joshua thinks this is a trap – and runs upstairs where he is attacked by a goblin. Grandpa Seth suddenly appears and chops off the goblin's hand! Turns out the goblin was Creedence Leonore Gielgud! I think. Super Gramps soon hurls a Molotov Cocktail at the townsfolk - and the preacher man catches on fire - as he burns it is revealed that he and all the towns people are goblins!The family runs back inside the house. Now they believe that Joshua was telling the truth and that they need to contact Granpa Seth somehow.
Holly: But how are we going to make grandpa come?
Joshua: We NEED Grandpa Seth here!
Holly: But how do we get him to come? By having a seance maybe?Joshua: You're genius big sister!

So the family (plus Elliot- who seems to have forgotten about his 3 buddies) hold a séance to contact Grandpas, who tells them that he has only ten minutes left in the mortal world. Of course, then the goblins bust into the house and Dad demands that they run upstairs. Somehow Joshua and Seth are now in the church and Joshua needs put his hands on the Magic Stone Henge wall in order to defeat the goblins. Gramps then and gives him a grocery bag and vanishes.Creedence Leonore Gielgud appears (having grown her hand back!) and corners Joshua. He reaches into the the bag and pulls out a double decker baloney sandwich, which he promptly eats. How does it all end? I won't spoil it for you, but as a vegan I find it slightly offensive. Just kidding.

Michael Stephenson, the child actor who played Joshua in TROLL 2, has recently made a feature-length documentary about the film called BEST WORST MOVIE and it was recently announced that TROLL 2: PART 2 is in pre-production. Check all it out here. As for TROLL 2 - WOW - 10 outta 10.