DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!

Great title. Great poster. Don't bother. 1 out of 10.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

It's rare that I review a recent film, but I KNOW WHO KILLED ME (2007, directed by Chris Sivertson) is so deliciously awful that I just could not resist. The film opens with a decidedly unsexy stripper doing a pole dance, when suddenly her hand starts bleeding all over the damn pole. Ugh...not again! Of course the stripper turns out to be played by that adorable headline grabbing, former ANOTHER WORLD actress and Disney child star Lindsay Lohan!

It appears that the town from TV's FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (The show we all WISH we watched) is being terrorized by someone who has been abducting and torturing high school (or is it college?) girls and doing disturbing things to their hands and legs. This town of New Salem (a DAYS OF OUR LIVES reference?) is the bluest place on Earth. Everything is color-corrected to be this bright, brilliant blue, causing me to to retitle this epic I KNOW WHO BLUE ME.

Soon we meet Aubrey Fleming, Lindsay's (other?) character, who is smart (she wears glasses) and apparently very talented. She plays the piano - but wants to give it up to concentrate on writing. Her piano teacher thinks this is a bad idea. Music good. Words bad. Oh yeah, the teacher wears a big BLUE ring and Lindsay has a hairless pussy. Cat. Hairless pussy cat. She's pretty much a perfect student and daughter. There's a stalker-ish blonde boyfriend named Jerrod who "loves" her and then there's the Fleming's hunky gardener who wants to screw her - but she's a good girl. Aubrey is good. Lindsay is bad.

After Jerrod the teen gives her a BLUE rose and the BLUE team wins the football game, Aubrey suddenly vanishes - into the blue! Local sheriff Santa Claus is clueless. Soon the FBI is on the case - and we know this because they all wear BLUE shirts, jackets and vests that say "FBI" in big, bold, yellow letters! The task force is led by a Beau Bridges look-a-like and a black supermodel with a botoxed forehead and drawn-on eyebrows. Between Santa, Beau and Tyra - this case is gonna be cracked wide open - I just know it!

Later a woman who also looks like Lindsay is forced off the road (by a hairless cat?) and discovers something on the side of the road. It's Lindsay! Oh my god! At the hospital, she wakes up missing one hand & half a leg. So much for that piano playing career, but at least she can still write. When Lindsay can finally communicate, she reveals herself to be "Dakota Moss" - a filthy stripper and NOT the angelic, perfect Aubrey Fleming. Everyone thinks she's making this up, and within days, Crabman from MY NAME IS EARL fits her with a Bionic hand and Heather Mills leg.

Days later, still insisting that she's Dakota, she is welcomed into the Fleming household. She seems to hate all Aubrey's BLUE things, and mostly her hairless pussy. This upsets mom (played by older Lindsay lookalike Julia Ormond, hiding her British or French accent), who just wants her daughter to love her and all the BLUE stuff. What Dakota does love is fucking, and she proves it when Aubrey's boyfriend Jerrod comes by to inspect her bionic parts. At first the FBI doesn't trust him cause he drives a yellow car, but then when they see he's wearing a BLUE pullover, it's okay. Any way, after they screw, Dakota tells him about her crack-whore mother who left her $11 before she died and an envelope with the return address "New Salem". She then tells him how she started spontaneously bleeding one night during her act (we see her and her body double in various states of bumping and grinding) and how her finger fell off, turned BLUE and she tried to sew it back on. Then some cute guy on the BLUE bus gave her free medical advice. Huh???

Meanwhile, the Dept. of Homeland Security finds one of Aubrey’s stories on her laptop, and it's about a stripper named...yes, you guessed it... Dakota! After escaping from the Fleming house, Dakota visits the parents of another murder victim, Jennifer Toland. She then begins to suspect that maybe she and Aubrey were identical twin sisters! Oh my god - it's THE PARENT TRAP all over again!

Back at the Flemings, Euro-mom shows Dakota a video of her ultrasound that she just happen to have hanging around -proving that there was only one baby inside of her! This forces Dakota to made a giant leap and confront Aubrey's father - accusing him of replacing his wife's dead BLUE baby with one of the newborn twins from some crackhead giving birth down the hall. The envelope that came from New Salem was from him - he's been paying off crack lady for years!

After doing a little web surfing, Dakota learns all about "twin stigmata" - so THAT'S why her fingers have been falling off! Next we get to watch a weird little YouTube video hosted by a Leonard Nimoy lookalike that explains it all. After visiting the grave of Jennifer Toland, Dakota finds a BLUE ribbon from a piano competition, with a hand-written message from the creepy BLUE-ring wearing piano teacher!

SPOILER ALERT!!! Dakota goes all Nancy Drew and figures out that the teacher murders his students who don't want to play anymore! So, Dakota enlists Aubrey's dad to help her confront the killer.They arrive at his house, with it's BLUE stained-glass door and collection of BLUE glass knives and trinkets. Dad gets killed almost instantly, and it's up to My Little Stripper to fight off the evil piano teacher.
So she cuts off HIS hand and finishes him off. Afterwards, Dakota finds Aubrey buried ALIVE - in a BLUE, stained-glass coffin(!!!) and frees her. It all ends with the two lying together on the ground, holding each other...shouldn't Aubrey get some food or drink...or medical attention???

So were there really two Lindsays? Was just Dakota a character in one of Aubrey's stories?
Was Aubrey a person that Dakota made up? Was the piano teacher REALLY the killer...or was it gardener...or the dad...or Santa Claus? Either way, this movie totally BLUE. I just have to ask what kind of stripper is Dakota anyhow? She never even takes off her top...or bottom! We've seen more of Lindsay's Lohan on TMZ than in this flick.

On a final note, I wonder if the filmmakers set out to make a David Lynch homage? With teen girl murders in small town America, identical twins, missing fingers, BLUE things - I can see traces of both BLUE VELVET and TWIN PEAKS. If that was the case, I think they failed miserably. But if they just wanted to make a movie that makes you say "huh?," I KNOW WHO KILLED ME rates a big BLUE 10 outta 10.

EVIL EYE

Sometimes a movie makes no sense whatsoever, but still is a hoot to watch. EVIL EYE aka MALOCCHIO (1974) is one of those films. Maybe something got lost in the translation, but this Italian/Spanish/Mexican concoction feels like three or four different movies edited together by a tagteam consisting of Stevie Wonder, Marlee Matlin and Corky from LIFE GOES ON.
It starts with movie #1 - a horror film- as a woman wearing a cape performs what looks like tai chi while robed figures are placing candles around a triangle. Then a guy wearing a red satin KKK hood & robe steps into the triangle and we see a photo of a very good-looking man. Cut to a freaky looking guy with colored contact lenses and the same good-looking guy dreaming that he is being hunted by a gaggle of totally nude people, who stand over him and groan, before breaking into one of those PBS modern dance specials from the 1970s.

Next is movie #2 - a breezy European sex comedy - a poorly dubbed woman named Talia is lounging on a waterbed in a room with a lamp that looks like a giant lightbulb. Her pet poodle is jumping all over the bed as if it really has to go for a walk. Talia is on the telephone, calling a man named Peter (the Mexican hunk Jorge Rivera). He is awakened by her call, only to find dozens of half-naked people sleeping all over his groovy house. It's like a scene from BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS. Annoyed by Talia's phonecall and his houseguests, Peter tells his butler Walter to "get rid of the bodies". Walter proceeds to blast a trippy disco LP to wake up the unwelcome guests. Peter then finds a sexy naked guy in his shower, and he turns out to be his British best friend Robbie. The two lounge on a big fluffy pink couch and chat - but Robbie dismisses Peter's disturbing dream. A kicky bossa nova melody accompanies Peter as he drives around Rome and into a fashion show where Talia is waiting for him. She tries to get it on with him, but he's too tired from driving around Rome listening to music. Meanwhile, Robbie is losing his shirt in a casino. He obviously has a gambling problem. Why do we need to know this?

Next we meet a French woman named Yvonne just couldn't sleep - she has got to speak to Peter. So she goes to see him. He pours himself a good stiff drink as she begs for his forgiveness. She says that her husband has been dead for a while and she's ready for Peter, even though she's heard about him being dangerous. Huh? Peter starts to feel her up, but suddenly he gets a flashback of the freaky guy from movie #1. Then Peter turns around and there's a thunderstorm! Lightning strikes, statues move, artwork falls off the walls, her eyes get all fucked up looking and he stares back at her with HIS evil eye...and strangles her!!! Then he wakes up in a short yellow robe, flashes back to the killing - but his house has been restored to the way it was before. Who could have done that? Meanwhile, Walter the butler is washing the car.

Movie #3 - a medical mystery movie - begins when we meet Doctors Stone and Turner. Stone is an old crusty guy and Turner is a hot young female. Peter tells the docs that it's as if he's awake and dreaming at the same time. Meanwhile, a detective who's name we never get (we'll call him McColumbo) discovers that Yvonne has been found dead - but her jewelry and money was not taken. Next is a truly disgusting scene where Peter and Talia shower together and brush their and each other's teeth at the same time - French kissing with mouths full of toothpaste while game show music plays on the soundtrack. Gross! Then Peter gets a crank phone call and tells Talia that he needs to get away for a while.

Movie #4 - a gothic ghost story - kicks in as Peter is driving down a long, dark, winding road when his car breaks down. Did I mention he is wearing a tie-dyed denim pantsuit? He arrives at a mysterious house where he is greeted by an old woman. It turns out that the master and mistress of the manor KNOW him. Of course their phone line is dead, so he'll have to stay with them a while. While the husband attempts to fix Peter's car, the wife turns down the lights and proceeds to fix Peter's penis. But then Peter notices a portrait on the wall and asks the wife who it is. She tells him that it's her husband's late aunt - the woman who answered the door!!! Then he strangles her...and her husband as the old woman watches and smiles. Okay, NOW this is getting creepy.

Back in movie #3, Dr. Stone comes to see Peter and thinks he's hiding something - so he demands a full physical examination. Meaning, naked. He puts him on tanning bed and x-rays his head. He tells Dr. Turner that Peter is clinically perfect, but somehow unbalanced. He needs rest. Then Talia comes to see him , and has a bitchy confrontation with Dr. Turner, all while sunny, romantic music plays in the background. Meanwhile, the most annoying ambulance you've ever heard speeds by. We see a little dog tied up in the woods, and nearby they discover the decaying body of the old woman from movie #4. Ewwwww...

McColumbo's Joan Collins lookalike wife tries to paint a portrait of him as he tells her about the recent murders. She thinks evil spirits are responsible. Whatever. Soon Dr. Turner finds Peter waiting for her - smoking cigarettes in a hospital room. Nice. He tells her that he's written a prescription for himself - dinner with her. And then the cigarettes begin to move by themselves in the ashtray. Huh???

So Peter and Dr. Turner have a romantic dinner as he continues to sport his very tight tie-died denim jeans. Then they slow dance in the moonlight...leading to fornication in hot red lighting while the cigarettes dance and fly out of the ashtray. Peter sneaks back into the clinic in the morning and a nurse hands him a letter. Then he dreams about the naked groaning people again - this time they are trying to touch him. He wakes up slightly upset. (see photo).

Peter tells Dr. Stone that there are people who are killers, but they don't have hands - so they are using him to kill. He asks to be locked up. So he is locked up - wearing incredibly tight beige polyester slacks. Suddenly he goes all CARRIE - as everything in the hospital is thrown around. Confusion ensues.

Back to movie #2 - a naked pool party/orgy is going on, but a sudden downpour moves the festivities indoors. Peter shows up at the house (I guess he escaped from the hospital) to have a talk with Robbie. It seems that since we last saw Robbie, he has inherited money and a house. Good for him! But Peter claims that Robbie killed someone to get his newfound fortune. He says the victim told him. So I guess Peter can talk to dead people??? Then Robbie's dead too. Oh well.

In a scene that makes no sense whatsoever, Peter is walking home and a truck drives past him. Suddenly a rock flies up from the street and shatters a nearby window. HUH??? Meanwhile, McColumbo grills the orgy goers lightly about Robbie's death - and then immediately tells them all to leave. Peter continues to walk through the streets of Rome as pretty piano music plays. He finally returns home to find Walter in bed with a haggish woman! Walter knows all about the the murders - he's been covering up for Peter and is now blackmailing him!!! The plot really thickens. I think.

Peter shows up all unshaven and sexy at Dr. Turner's - and she's convinced he's innocent. She tells Dr. Stone that Walter may be behind Peter's problems, and she is going to take him under her care. Walter and his hag are waiting for Peter to return - with blackmail money. The hag thinks Peter is gonna kill them, so she tries to get away. Walter then smashes her over the head with a liquor bottle, and reports her death to the police as "another murder". Looks like butler did it!!!

Dr. Turner brings Peter to her family's secluded cabin in the woods. Is this movie #5? A sexy Spanish telenovela? He lights a fire as she fixes dinner, and they talk about Dr. Stone and the fact that had an affair with Peter's mother. Could Dr. Stone be Peter's father? Maybe...maybe not.

McColumbo shows up at Peter's house only to find the hag dead on the floor while Walter is spitting up frogs in the next room. Yes. Spitting up frogs. Then a gun falls off a shelf and shoots and kills Walter. Huh???

Peter once again is sleeping restlessly, dreaming about nudists. Dr. Turner wakes him up and tells him the nightmares are NOT real. But she is...and the soapy music soars. Oh yeah, McColumbo tries to make a phone call, but something has been effecting his hearing. Oh - and there's a subplot about a piece of jewelry that I've forgotten about too...not sure if it's an earring or a keychain.

So then Peter (dreams that he?) sees Dr. Turner beheaded on a train track. Okay.

So, McColumbo spots two guys beating up a woman near a construction site - and he goes to help her. Only a crane full of cinderblocks is hanging overhead. He rolls the woman over and she is a smiling ghoul - just then the cinderblocks begin to fall towards him. He rolls out of the way just in time - but she is crushed! When he goes to inspect her dead body, he finds nothing but the gem!!!

Back in the cabin, Dr. Turner plays a record for Peter ("Tom Jones or Beethoven?"). While back in Rome, McColumbo confronts Dr. Stone. He asks him, "Who are you? What do you want?" Peter gets pissy with Doc Turner, tells her he doesn't want to be her guinea pig. Then they pop pills together and the romantic music soars! After sex, Doc Turner asks Peter for a cigarette - so he goes upstairs to get them - but the door locks behind him. He throws a chair and kicks at the door, but it's no use. Downstairs, an image of the ghoul woman appears and causes the record player to freak out, forcing an LP to fly across the room and floor tiles to begin to move.

McColumbo races towards the house , but his car breaks down. Of course! Somehow Peter and Dr. Turner have managed to escape the cabin and head towards "the light" in her light blue VW. Only the road has plenty of blind curves and Herbie goes flying off a cliff. What???

THEN...we hear a voice say "Let's go back" and we see Peter waking up again just like the beginning of movie #2. Holy shit!
I mean, really -Holy shit! What did this all mean? Was it all a dream? What about the gem? What's the deal with Dr. Stone? Talia? Her poodle? The red-hooded guy at the beginning? Were they witches? Satanists? Vampires? Aliens? Scientologists? It just doesn't add up...or matter much cause every minute of EVIL EYE was amazing and craptastic! 9 outta 10.

THE HAPPY HOOKER

Since it's Feb. 14th and my other half is out of town, I decided to give myself a special Valentine's Day treat. What's more romantic than Lynn Redgrave as THE HAPPY HOOKER (1975, directed by Nicholas Sgarro)? After GEORGY GIRL, but before HOUSE CALLS the TV series, Lynn decided to star in the first of three theatrical films based on the book by real-life hooker Xaviera Hollander. Interestingly, while her sister Vanessa was appearing in high-profile films like MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS and JULIA, Lynn was playing the world's most famous madame. Wonder if they had the same agent?

The dvd starts off promising with a 20th Century Fox logo, followed by a MGM logo (MGM makes great movies, right?) but then the dreaded Cannon Group logo appears and we know we are in for some good, trashy fun. It starts off with a bang as the title theme song "Put Yourself in My Hands" is sung by Mary Olga and goes like this:
"I can make you happy
I can turn you on
Bring me all your troubles
Soon they'll be gone
Put yourself in my hands baby
Whatever you want me to do...I'll do
Put yourself in my hands baby
I'll know how to handle you"

It's Christmastime at the police station and all the hookers are there including April Jones, May Smith and Aurora Goldberg they all give their address as 328 West 80th, except a weepy housewife from White Plains - and presenting Miss Xaviera Hollander!

Flashback to the origin of The Happy Hooker - several years earlier she arrives in America from Holland, fresh-faced and ready to get married...only she's left waiting at the airport. She tells us in voiceover that she "was just a girl who crossed the ocean for a man". When the man (named Carl Gordon) finally arrives, he's gross and rude. He even makes her carry the heavy luggage.

Then they have sloppy sex while his mother bangs on the wall of the apartment next door. She serves him tiger's milk and yeast as he admires his ugly self in the mirror. He's also on an all-meat diet. What does young X see in this freak? Okay - his apartment is fabulous with a great view. Carl's mom arrives soon to make the bed and see how long X plans on staying....she tells Mrs Gordon that she's Carl's fiancee. Mrs. Gordon is decidedly non-plussed.

Later, at dinner, we learn that Carl calls his mom by her first name, Cheryl. Carl's dad falls asleep at the dinner table and Cheryl is mean to her maid Rosita...and starts insulting X about her weight. GEORGY GIRL flashback? Rosita tries to serve a raw steak to Carl, while Cheryl continues to insult X about everything including the fact that she's from Holland - Carl decides to stay with mother as X marches out the door in a huff. So much for love and marriage.

Back in the present X gets to meet the little ladies of the night in the holding cell. Back to the past, X gets her first apartment and is shown around by a rough young blonde who dresses like the Brawny lumberjack who tries to rape her when she offers him a drink. Men are pigs!

Soon X hits the single bars scene where she meets "every Tom, Dick and Harry with a pleasant face and tolerable manner". One her tricks has spent the night. He's dressed like a lawn jockey. Huh?

Next there's another scene at the city jail where all the tough, sassy black hookers start to harass X as funky soul music plays in the background. Another flashback shows X working at the Dutch consulate - and is trying to type something, but obviously her fingers are meant for other activities. A rich French guy asks her to translate a letter from Dutch for him. "It might as well be Chinese!" If only. I think Frenchie invites X to dinner or something, cause soon they are walking through Central Park and she's dressed like a Pierrot - a French clown! Maybe Frenchie has a clown fetish, because before you know it they are post-coital and embarking on a cruise on his yacht. On the boat we meet Frenchie's snobby, bitchy rich friends - this is starting to remind me of THE LAST OF SHEILA. Wonder who'll get murdered?

Soon X is getting a foot massage from Frenchie and one of his lady friends - Madelaine. After a few days of getting gifts and treats from Prince Frenchie Charming, he gives her an envelope of cash for the pleasure she's given him. "You make me feel like a whore!" and she slaps him. He tells her that she deserves to be spoiled by men. And so, Frenchie gives her number to his friends and she makes the transition "from office girl to working girl".

Tom Poston plays an executive who orders her to get on a boardroom table and strip for him and two other guys as he places money on the table from a suitcase. X is wearing black lace bar and panties with garter belts and fishnet stockings. Her long, stringy hair reminds me of the Sea Hag from Popeye cartoons. He stops her right before she's about to moon him. Then she gives him a stock market report full of double entendres as she slowly puts her clothes back on. He likes this. It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

X rides her bike around the city in various silly outfits. She keeps all her hooker earnings in a cookie jar. A Rutger Hauer-ish looking cop comes to visit her. He inspects her apartment without a search warrant, commenting on her collection of booze and looking for pot. He's on to her hooking ways...and then HE tries to rape her!!! Cops are pigs! Well, men cops, anyway.

Next she dresses real hooker-ish with frosted pink lipstick and fake mole to attend a Park Avenue cocktail party where everyone is dressed in fashion atrocities of the 1970s including one call girl in a macrame dress and another one wearing dozens of pearl necklaces. Not to be outdone, the hostess, Madame Madelaine (played fabulously by the amazingly named Lovelady Powell) dons a stunning sky-blue caftan. We next witness a redhead (the late, great Broadway legend Anita Morris) being made into a human banana split. Madelaine gives X some sage advice: "You don't dress like a hooker in whorehouse!" Best line so far.

A racist Southern whore (Anita Morris- again?) refuses to do a three-way with a client and a black whore, so X decides to do a slow seductive dance with Aurora to show that she's not prejudiced against blacks nor lesbians (as the sexy song called "One to One" plays). Next X dons a CABARET wig for a hairy client named Harry who dresses in leather, and calls his wife on the phone as X and his German Shepherd bark in the background. A true success, X decides to set out on her own, taking some of Madeline's girls with her and the clients followed. She rides her bike in her fur and leads the hookers in a daily jog. She must be successful, cause she's so eccentric!

Back in the present - the black hookers yell thing like "bet you ain't got no black ass turning tricks in your high-class fucking house" at X and her posse. New best line so far.

One of the hookers declares that she thinks Bert and Ernie are fags. Meanwhile, the dirty cop continues to stalk X. Madelaine and X negotiate a business deal over tea and Madelaine announces that she's pregnant from a trick! She asks, "Do you think an old whore could be a good mother?" Okay, newest best line!

At X's Christmas party, Carlos (super-hot Guillermo Irizarry in his one and only acting role to date) the whore house boy entertains us by wearing tight pants and a half shirt, while Vincent Schiavelli gets entertained by a whore who sings "The Happy Hooker" song to him. Meanwhile, Anita Morris gets covered with whip cream, which is washed off by champagne. Three guys wearing Christmas corsages (one has a unibrow) turn out to be undercover cops and bust the girls even after X tries to make it seem like all she serves is drinks. Nice try, X. This is actually a great scene and Lynn's performance here is outstanding.

So back to the present - the hookers are bailed out of jail and a group of little kids follow them down the street "You're all little boys," X says to the shopkeeper who chases the kids away...as "Put Yourself in My Hands" returns to amuse us one last time. After all, it is Christmas! The end.

I gotta say, this was far better than I expected it to be. Lynn Redgrave is so much fun to watch and despite it being about sex workers, there is very little sex and nudity in the film. Actually all the sex scenes take place after the actual sex has happened, and the only two nude scenes feature Anita Morris. I'm sure the real true story of Xaviera Hollander (pictured here with Lynn) is a bit more racy and must have had some dark moments, but THE HAPPY HOOKER actually made me feel "happy". Far better than PRETTY WOMAN, but not as good as THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS. I give it 7 outta 10 big hooker with a heart of gold "Huhs?" Happy Valentine's Day! SWAK!

"Your high-class fucking house". Still laughing out loud.

BLACK CANDLES

Imagine if ROSEMARY'S BABY was directed by Pier Paolo Pasolini instead of Roman Polanski - that's what BLACK CANDLES (1982) feels like to me. Of course this grindhouse classic is a couple dozen notches below anything that Polanski or Pasolini made on the quality scale. José Ramón Larraz managed to make both a sex film that isn't sexy and a horror film that isn't scary.

It all starts with a girl in a striped sweater walking through a field with some guy watching her. Then there's a framed photo of a woman who looks like Dorian Lord from ONE LIFE TO LIVE hanging in a room where an unattractive man and woman lie naked. They soon begin getting it on. The guys looks at her necklace and declares it "the devil's paw" while someone (Dorian?) pokes needles into a voodoo doll. Then the guy has a heart attack and dies. Oh well.

After some groovy, opening titles we're at an airport where a badly-dubbed couple announce that they are visiting England for a few days. Greeting them at the luggage claim is Fiona (formerly known as Dorian). As she drives the couple to their destination, Fiona grills them about their visit. The woman, Carol is already bored with the film and falls asleep. Spiteful Fiona then lights a cigarette to give her second-hand lung cancer.

They arrive at a Tudor-style manor during a blackout. Apparently Fiona hasn't been paying the electric bills - but she has plenty of BLACK CANDLES to light in case of emergency. Carol doesn't score any points with Fiona when she calls her candles "dreadful". Then Fiona rattles off all the booze she has to offer and tells Carol that she looks like her brother. Ah - the naked dead guy from before the titles! Carol's husband takes notice of the spooky lithographs that adorn the walls of Fiona's house while she tells them all about demonology. Like, who asked?

Carol tells her man (Robert) that she doesn't trust Fiona and her BLACK CANDLES. Then she strips down to her sexy underwear - followed by her bra. This is when I realize that this is a dirty, dirty movie. Robert soon mounts Carol as Fiona watches through a peephole. Robert plays with Carol's unmanicured Euro-bush and nibbles on her nipples while Fiona licks her lips on the other side of the wall. Fiona then takes out ONE of her breasts and masturbates, climaxing just as Carol does. Very good timing, ladies.

After the sex, Carol and Rob pull a DICK VAN DYKE and sleep in separate twin beds. Carol dreams about the ugly lithographs and walking around the garden in her undies and high heels. Then (still dreaming) she fucks her brother Drew! All while Fiona is banging on the bedroom door. Then the two women kiss and Carol wakes up. Of course then she kisses her brother's photo, but is startled by a bearded man's face in the window. Finally, something scary!!!

Carol then goes downstairs to the kitchen with the most atrocious wallpaper ever and meets the bearded man - he's a priest who looks like Robin Williams in Robert Goulet drag.

Later the ladies go to visit Drew's grave - which looks like it's 1000 years old. Fr. Robin Goulet watches through binoculars. The plot thickens! Meanwhile, some fatso who looks like the Dunkin' Donuts guy is calling a woman a whore and a witch. Huh?

Fiona serves Carol a herbal drink from an awesome-looking drink holder. Then Carol whispers something stupid about Drew writing to tell her that he was unhappy and afraid - even his handwriting was different! This is when I realized that the voices of both Carol and Fiona were dubbed by the same actress! Meanwhile, a woman milks a goat. Huh?

Then we see another woman performing fellatio on "the devil's paw" necklace - she is soon getting a nude rubdown from a woman who looks like Penny Marshall. Suddenly there is a entire coven of freaks around her, chanting and the fore-mentioned goat is forced to mount her...and the goat fucks her!!! She even nibbles on it's ears!!! Holy shit!

Meanwhile, Carol lays on her bed naked. The next few scenes were so boring that I snoozed off a few times.
I remember Carol going to visit her brother's lawyer...a tour of Fiona's herb collection...the brief history of Satanism...followed by Robert performing cunnilingus on Fiona - and then fucking her in "The Reverse Cowgirl" position" (see illustration).


Carol starts freaking out about a lost necklace. She tells Robert that she thinks witchcraft is to blame for all the strange happenings. Meanwhile, there is a secret meeting to discuss Carol and what should be done about her, basically "How do you solve a problem like Carol?" I think we learn here that Robert is an ex-priest!!! Next we hear some LOUD, windy electronic music. It's a black mass and a chalice of blood is poured on a naked woman. Before you know it, there's a lesbian orgy. Why not?

Next, Robert rapes Carol anally and then smokes a pipe. That's funny, Robert never rapes her anally and smokes a pipe at home.

The next day Carol notices a spot on the carpet. Black wax perhaps? Carol asks Fiona about the door to the basement and the circled date on the calendar. Fiona ignores her and pushes some more herbal tea on her and tells her that she wants her to meet "the group". I don't think she's talking about The Mamas and The Papas. At last - a dinner party scene. But things go terribly wrong when one of the guests presents "the devil's paw" which causes Carol to grasp her chest. After dinner, the Dunkin' Donuts guy returns - just in time to get anally violated with a sword!!! Ouch!

Meanwhile, Robert gets a blowjob from Fiona - then they do it "doggie style" (no illustration needed) and she smiles. Carol tells her husband that he's "become one of them!!!" Soon Carol is captured by Fiona's henchwomen who smack her around a bit. Fiona orders one to "fix up a potion" while the other one undresses her. Soon Carol is involved in a three-way with Robert and Rev. Robin Goulet! Um, check please.

So - where do we go from here? Right back to the beginning, as Fiona, Carol and Robert arrive at the house once more, just like at the start of the film. Was it all a dream? Was it all a fantasy? Was it a waste of time? You bet. I give this mess a 6 outta 10.

BLACK CANDLES is also known by it's original title: LOS RITOS SEXUALES DEL DIABLO (THE SEXUAL RITES OF THE DEVIL), but was released in the USA as both HOT FANTASIES or NAKED DREAMS. Huh????????

Policewomen

No - not POLICEWOMAN, the awesome nipple-filled NBC TV series from 1974-78 starring Angie Dickinson - but POLICEWOMEN - a groovy nipple-filled exploitation flick from the same year!
The story starts at a women's prison - where a jailbreak is set in motion. One of the female guards is pretty redhead who resembles the love child of Marcia Cross and Dixie Carter. She takes control of the situation by putting some karate moves on the would-be escapees. A few of the girls make it out and manage to strip naked and change into sexy skin-tight black outfits. After the women guards call in the male officers for help, the girls throw a grenade at them and set off tear gas. Then they head for the roof and blow something up - escaping down the side of the building. Whew! Did I mention one of the girls has a giant Afro?

Then the credits role...we see Sondra Currie, POLICEWOMEN modeling her uniform, a bikini, a raincoat, a dance outfit and an evening gown. This is one of the best opening title sequences...ever!

After the credits we meet the entire Akerfield, CA police department - three dumb cops - Black Cop, Hunky Honky Cop and Fat Cop. They are all sexist pigs who call our hero, Lt. Lacey Bond "honey," "girl" and "troublemaker". Lacey tells the three piggies that she wants to find out what "gut police work is all about" by going on special assignment for them. They doubt that she's capable of handling the case - so they devise a series of tests for her to pass - similar to what Queen Hippolyta came up with to find an Amazon worthy to come to Man's World. So they test her...

Lacey excels at target practice - so much that she blows the head off the target dummy. She then passes the driving test with flying colors after she drives a police car at 40 MPH backwards!!! If that's not enough, she must take on a martial artist named Bill McLardy, who looks like an extra from CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC. At first Bill kicks her ass and then calls her "honey", but then she goes all KILL BILL on him - kicking him in the balls, knocking him down repeatedly and breaking his tooth. So she passes the tests - and they tell her her assignment: she must infiltrate a female mafia that has been smuggling gigantic amounts of gold into the country! Huh? Then a professor (he wears a lab coat and glasses so you know he's smart) gives her a compact that's also a radio and a cigarette lighter that's a micro-miniature transmitter. Cool, just like Q! They tell her they will have the three pigs monitoring her at all times. She's says she's on her own - and she that's just the way she likes it!

Soon, she's on a stakeout with the pigs. We learn that 70 year old Maude Anderson and her 30 year old lover, Doc are behind the whole gold thing. There's a string of indictments against them, but so far no conviction. Looks like Lacey has a challenge ahead of her.

Soon, a chick in a Cadillac convertible attracts Lacey's attention - and she decides to chase her! Huh? The chick is beeping her horn at an old couple in a red Volvo, but she's cut off by the white van, and her car tumbles over a cliff and explodes! The pigs arrive and tell Lacey that the trunk of the car was laced with heroin and that she's responsible for killing the driver. Huh???

After a heated argument with the pigs, Lacey tries to make peace with them, but they are just not having it. Meanwhile, the two escaped convicts pop out of the trunk of another Caddy. We next meet Maude - who looks like a butch cross between Ruth Gordon and Grandma Walton. Maude is sitting in her backyard counting her money while her scantily clad girls frolic in the background. It's like a twisted HODGE PODGE LODGE. The two prisoners are introduced to Maude. When she learns that the Pam (the girl with the Afro) was a hooker, who escaped using a fake pistol - Maude asks "Since when do whores make guns and get involved in jailbreaks?" Hmmm....since when indeed.

Suddenly a crazy Asian girl shows up and begins the most insane racist tirade I've heard since Marge Schott. This is what she says: "I don't want any blacks around here. Blacks are lazy. They spill their guts when they get caught. They have sore feet and big asses. They shuffle and sing spirituals. They stink. I don't give a god damn shit for n******s!" Pam responds "Why honey, I've always said nice thinks about g***s." This was a scene I just needed to watch over and over again.

These two they have a HUGE fight - knocking each other all over the lawn furniture while the rest of the girls cheer them on. Pam beats the living daylights out of the Asian racist girl - and we are happy. Maude is pleased as well, responding "Okay black girl, you got yourself a job." Then we meet Maude's body-obsessed boyfriend, Doc - who is like the gross bastard child of Owen Wilson and Larry the Cable Guy. After the girls go to their barracks, Doc rambles on about the girls to Maude and how he thinks they are all c***s. This guy is quite a catch, Maudie. Later she yells at him, telling him to stop lifting weights cause he's starting to look like a "dod damn gorilla!" Doc responds by telling her he wants to fuck, but she has a headache AND a sore throat!!! Ewwwwwww...

Meanwhile Lacey wins the pigs over by bringing them food and dressing like a stewardess. Then Lacey and the Hunky Honkey guy Frank are assigned to an undercover mission on Catalina! Back at girl camp, the other escapee (Janette) gives Pam a makeover while another girl slips into the shower with Doc. He resists and she calls him a fag. I'm calling GLAAD tomorrow. We're off to Catalina where Frank and Lacey play tourists - riding bikes, sailing a catamaran, eating shrimp cocktail, riding horses, eating wieners, swimming, drinking cognac - all as romantic music plays in the background. Then they fuck and drink Asti Spumanti and have "pillow talk" where he tells her that she's "a lady with a mission"...and a trick pelvis! Later they are tanning and drinking Tabs when Frank notices a call girl that's he's arrested before on another boat! Huh? Then the hooker notices him!!! From another boat- without binoculars!!! Is this possible at all? So then we have a high-speed game of chicken, which ends with Frank jumping on the other boat. The girls soon gang up on him, hitting him with oars and chains. Hot.

Lacey comes to Frank's rescue with her karate-chopping ways. She kicks ALL their asses very handily, takes the 5 girls prisoner and calls for help on her compact! Then a Paul Lynde look-a-like calls Maude to give her some information about the cops closing in on her. Maude is annoyed that she has to leave her tennis match - but escapes in a VW and then a seaplane! They manage to lure Lacey to their lair, where Doc ties her up and beats her mercilessly. Maude declares "that's enough, for now."

The two escaped cons (Janette and Pam) then recognize Lacey - but think she's one of them! Maude offers her a job - and she accepts! The girls then have a party, and over dinner Janette realizes that Lacey's a cop...and SO IS PAM!!! That's why the title is POLICEWOMEN, not POLCEWOMAN!!! Then Pam and Janette have fight and Janette falls off a cliff. Did I mention Pam is wearing a "Black Pride" tee shirt?

So - turns out Pam is working for the Secret Service - tracking Maude's gold shipments. We find out that the gold is coming in via stock footage of submarines!!! Soon the girls are unloading the gold from the sub and dressing in army uniforms - but Doc discovers that Lacey has a tracking device...the lighter! Maude pulls a gun on them and tells them they are going shove them off a cliff. Lots of cliff in this film, no?

In the back of a convoy of Army trucks, Lacey kicks Doc's ass and Pam grabs the gun from Maude. Then Lacey gives a karate chop to the driver...and they jump from truck to truck, hijacking the convoy. Lacey next takes on the racist Asian chick - getting the final word on that one.

Later, Lacey tells the pigs where the rest of the gold is and Frank tells her that hey are going to be working together again soon. Set up for a sequel??? Then they fuck in a cop car. Meanwhile, Maude is hauled off to jail - and tells Doc that next time they'll try diamonds!

This one's a winner. 9 outta 10 big "Huhs?" Rent it, buy it, love it.

NIGHT OF THE DEMON

Ever wonder what "Dana Andrews said prunes gave him the runes...and passing them used lots of skills" refers to in the song "Science Fiction Double Feature" from THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW? Or the lyric "Its in the trees! Its coming!" from Kate Bush's "Hounds of Love"? Well look no further than 1957's NIGHT OF THE DEMON. And, oh what a night it is!
Directed by Jacques Tourneur, it all starts with a shot of some famous big rocks with some cryptic mumbo jumbo about evil and witchcraft and "the runes". (Runes were letterforms used to write Germanic languages before and shortly after the Christianization of the British Isles).

After our credit sequence where we learn that Dana Andrews is our star, we see an unknown man (not Dana) driving down a long, dark wooded road - he stops at an opulent mansion called Lufford Hall - it looks very much like a University building. We learn that this man is Professor Henry Harrington (Maurice Denham) and he's here to see Dr. Julian Karswell (Niall MacGinnis). Karswell's butler lies to Harrington and tells him that the man of the manor is not at home. Karswell then appears and he and Harrington go back and forth about some study that the Professor has been working on. Apparently something sinister has been uncovered and the Professor is frightened for his life. Karswell he just wants privacy for himself and his dedicated followers. The situation goes unresolved and the Professor leaves and gets in his car and drives away. He parks in his garage, when suddenly a GIANT smoke ball appears in the sky. So what does he do? He gets back in his car and drives directly into a telephone pole. Then a GIANT DEMON attacks him!!!

Meanwhile, Dana Andrews is flying to London (we know this because he is trying to sleep on the plane with a newspaper covering his face. The newspaper headline reads something like "Professor Holden Flies to London". I swear!) Unable to sleep because some woman behind him is fiddling with her meal tray - he asks a stewardess for a mask - she suggests he pop some pills instead. Drug pusher!!! The meal tray woman asks if she can change her seat because she realizes that she's annoying Dana. Too late, we're already half-way there. Wonder if the woman has a newspaper that says "Annoying Woman Flies to London"?

Professor Harrington has sent a driver to pick up Dana at the airport, but Dana is assaulted by reporters who want to know WHY he's in England. (Apparently tomorrow's headlines will tell everyone). He tells them he's here to debunk myths about things like ghosts, hypnotism, demonology, zombies, witchcraft, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, etc.. We then learn that Harrington is dead - reports say he was electrocuted! No mention of the Demon. Hmmm...

Dana arrives at his hotel and is greeted by some British guy and two other visiting professors - who we will call Harold and Kumar. Harold tells us that's he been doing research into Karswell's Devil Cult - and specifically the case of a farmer named Hobart who was arrested for murder and placed in a home for the criminally insane. Huh? Kumar just stands around looking very un-Indian. Then they show Dana a drawing of a fire demon. Not sure who drew it. Harold's kid maybe? Then the phone rings - it's Dr. Karswell (How did he get the number?) - he tells Dana in no uncertain terms to rethink his planned expose - or else!
Next Dana goes to the British Museum - but it turns out that a 400 year old book that he wants to see is suddenly missing. Of course, Karswell shows up and declares that he OWNS a copy of that very same book, he then invites Dana to his place in the country for a visit. Wink, wink. Dana tells him he'll visit alright, but he's not gonna stop his "investigation". Karswell then knocks over a pile of papers that Dana is working on and slips in one of his business cards. Only there is cryptic note on the card, which disappears after Dana reads it! Spooky stuff!

Next we are at Professor Harrington's funeral - and guess who shows up? The annoying chick from the plane! Turns out she's Joann Harrington (Peggy Cummins), the late professor's nosy neice. She soon pays Dana a "visit" in his hotel room - with her uncle's diary. The diary contains Runic symbols and because of this she believes that the professor was killed by witchcraft!!! Or maybe he just drove into a telephone poll?

The next day, Dana and Joann pay Karswell a visit - during a magic show that Karswell is putting on for the local (devil worshipping?) kids. We learn that Halloween is only a few days away. Mother Karswell (Athene Seyler) is scooping out ice cream for the kids (and Joann) while her son and Dana discuss the powers of the mind. Did I mention that Karswell is in full clown makeup? Suddenly two creepy kids in Halloween masks jump out at them. Scared the crap outta me!

To show dense Dana that he means business, Karswell waves his hand and removes a protective shield from around his estate. Suddenly a violent windstorm begins, totally ruining the Halloween party. Then Karswell predicts that Dana will die in three days!!! He tells Dana to drop his investigation if he wants to live!!! Dana says no. Huh?

Meanwhile Joann gets kindly Mother K. to show her a book of Runic symbols - which is pretty and all - but it doesn't come with a translation key. Karswell chastises his mother and tells her that they live so well because of his "followers". Okay - where are these so-called followers???

Next Dana and Joann flirt about "causes and effects" i.e. "penises and vaginas". Then paranoid Dana suspects he's being followed - must have something to do with those loud footsteps we keep hearing, no? Later Dana whistles an Irish dirge for Harold and Kumar and waxes on about auto-suggestion and mass hysteria. These guys really know how to have fun!!! Dana tells the guys he's giving a speech on ESP - but they discover that his notes have been torn out of his notebook!!! So, he decides to meet up with Joann "for a drink". ;)

Dana discovers that Karswell passed him "the runes" on a piece of parchment when they met at the museum. Now Dana is cursed and doomed to die - if he only believed in such nonsense! So, since he's only got about 48 hours left he decides to visit the Hobart farm, where he's greeted by an angry English hillbilly with a shovel. Mrs. Hobart invites Dana in to talk - and the rest of the creepy white trash Hobart clan comes out of the woodwork. They all look like sideshow freaks and talk like Yoda. He begs Mrs. Hobart to sign a piece of paper which allows her murderous son to be released from the mental hospital so Dana can try to "help" him. The parchment then tries to escape from Dana's wallet and Mrs. Hobart declares "he has been chosen!"

Then Dana visits Stonehenge and sees that the writing on his parchment (it's like a big fortune-cookie fortune) matches the Runic hieroglyphics on the stone wall. So then he takes a taxi to meet Joann who's been hanging with Karswell's mother. I think Mother K. is giving Joann some special attention - if you know what I mean. Turns out Mother K. is having a seance and wants Dana and Joann to sit in. The medium is then taken over by a) an American Indian chief, b) a certain Mr. McGregor, c) a little girl who lost her doll and finally, d) Joann's uncle - who tells then that Karswell has a translation of the Runic book! Huh???

So, Joann drives Dana to Karswell's mansion after Mother K. tells him that her son is not home - so Dana climbs up a trellis into a open window! The room is filled with dusty antiques and crap covered in sheets. Do people actually cover things with sheets in real life, or only in old movies? We see a hand on the bannister - but wait I thought no one was home? Then we see a black cat! Good thing Dana is not superstitious! Then he finds the translation book - but the cat turns into a leopard and attacks him! Then Karswell appears along with his mother (How the hell did she get home and change into her nightgown so quickly?). Guess Karswell was home after all, thanks Mom. Feeling foolish, Dana decides to walk to his hotel - through the woods. He is followed by smoky footprints and a smoke cloud. Oh no...so he trips and falls and the smoke gets sucked back into the sky! Okay, what the fuck?

So, now it's 3AM and Dana and Joann (where the hell has SHE been?) are at the police station to report the mysterious smoke. The cops are like "what have they been smoking?" They think that Dana is "bewitched". Dana tells Joann that he walks under ladders, cross paths with black cats - he's made a career out of exposing phony superstitions. This pisses her off for some reason. I think she's wishing she was nestled warmly in Mother K's bosom eating ice cream instead of hanging around Debbie Downer Dana.

The next morning, crazy killer farmer Hobart has been released from the asylum. Mother K. calls Joann and bullshits to her about not knowing about her son being home. Yeah, right. She also tells her that someone else knows about the secret of the parchment. Whatever - hey Momma, have any more ice cream? Wanna stay in tonight and rent DESERT HEARTS?

It's now nighttime already - the night that Dana is supposed to die. Joann gets in her car, but she's not alone!!! Meanwhile, crazy killer farmer Hobart is brought in front of a small audience. They surmise that crazy killer farmer Hobart has lost all contact with reality - so they shoot him up with some drug which makes him totally freak out. Dana then hypnotizes him and puts him to sleep in a deep trance - then they give him a dose of (believe it or not) crystal methamphetamine!!!

It's clearly the night of the Demon - when Hobart declares "Its in the trees! Its coming!" and then tells Dana that the parchment was passed to him and he gave it back to the person who passed it to him (his brother), and that person died instead of him. Basically it's like playing "hot potato". Then Hobart freaks out and jumps out a window to his death - very REEFER MADNESS.

SPOILERS AHEAD: So, Dana then rushes to the train station to confront Karswell - jumping on a moving train - he finds Karswell, who has hypnotized and kidnapped Joann. Dana desperately tries to pass the runes back to Karswell, but the guy is just not having it. Eventually it does get passed - but it gets blown out of Karswell's pocket - so he chases the parchment onto the railroad tracks - where it catches fire!!! Suddenly at the same time, BOTH a train AND a demon are headed towards him. The train misses him, but the demon gets him. Dana goes to look at Karswell's dead body - but tells Joann "It's better not to know".
Oh. My. God. I LOVED this movie. Can't tell you what it's about or what it all means, but it's just so atmospheric and interesting that it doesn't matter. Dana Andrews is fun to watch and the rest of the cast as well, even bitchy Joann grows on you after a while. I give it a 10 outta 10. But I wanna know what "prunes" has to do with it all. FYI - there is another version (the US edit) of the film called CURSE OF THE DEMON which is 20 minutes sorter. It's worth seeking out this version to get the full effect.