Monday, August 18, 2008

Barbies Gone Wild

Recently, a religious group named "Christian Voice" called for a boycott of Barbie because Mattel is releasing a Black Canary Barbie (priced at $39.95 and aimed at adult Barbie collectors) claiming that the dolls is "filth.” Never mind that the doll is wearing a costume that the DC Comics character has been wearing since the 1940s, and that Barbie has worn Bob Mackie outfits since the 1980s - they don't have a prayer.I wonder how long it will take them to call for a boycott of the new Priscilla Presley Barbie - after all, Ms. Presley is divorced...and a member of the Church of Scientology!The Ken & Barbie dolls are wearing replicas of the outfits that The King and his princess wore on their wedding day in Las Vegas in 1967. The Elvis Ken is clad in a black paisley-print tuxedo, while Priscilla's is wearing a white chiffon gown with a tiara and veil. I wish they were wearing these outfits instead:In the non-toy world Elvis and Priscilla separated on February 23, 1972 and divorced on October 9, 1973, agreeing to share custody of their daughter Lisa Marie (Jackson). They remained good friends until the day of Elvis' death on August 16, 1977. "I WISH that he knew what Scientology was before he died," Priscilla Presley said recently, adding that the church's staunch anti-drug policies could have "helped Elvis a lot" in fighting his addiction to prescription drugs. 

Elvis was once quoted as saying about Scientologists, "Fuck those people! There's no way I'll ever get involved with that son-of-a-bitchin' group. All they want is my money." What would Elvis do?

Lady Cop

She's a lady! She's a cop! She's LADY COP!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

The Laurie Partridge Trilogy


"For Girls Only," "Susan Dey's Secrets on Boys, Beauty & Popularity" and "Cooking, Cleaning & Falling in Love". Where is the smart, sexy, liberated Laurie Partridge when we need her today???

Saturday, August 16, 2008

You can lose your mind...


Patty Lane (Patty Duke) was a normal American teen living in Brooklyn Heights, New York, who loved typically American things like ice cream, sleepovers and safe-looking boys. In the first episode, of THE PATTY DUKE SHOW, Patty's trampy "identical cousin" Cathy Lane (also played by Duke) arrives in the USA from Scotland to live with Patty and her family. That's where the comedy lies. (The uncanny physical resemblance that Patty and Cathy Lane share is explained by their dads being identical twin brothers- right!).

Okay, so what are Patty and Cathy up to in this here book based on their hit TV show? Hmmm..."The Adventure of the Chinese Junk"...oh it must be about that time Cathy convinced Patty to buy some cheap imported heroin from the Chinese exchange student at Brooklyn Heights High School! You see, Fred Yao smuggled heroin on military transport flights from Hong Kong for eventual distribution on the East Coast. Heroin (diacetylmorphine) is a semi-synthetic opioid synthesized from morphine, a derivative of the opium poppy. As with other opiates, heroin is used mainly as a recreational drug. One of the most common methods of heroin use is via intravenous injection (typically known as "shooting up"). One would surmise, by it's title that this book chronicles Patty's early addition and harrowing downward spiral into homelessness, overdose and eventual withdrawal. While Patty is in rehab, Cathy poses as her, turning her life upside down–resulting in pregnancy via Patty's boyfriend, Richard Harrison. Meanwhile, Patty's father, Martin, managing editor of a the New York Chronicle, struggles to maintain his sanity while the lives of the two girls tumble out of control. It all ends up on a sunny note, as Fred Yao is deported, Patty is declared "clean" by the family doctor and Cathy's miscarriage (after tumbling down the Lane house staircase) puts things back in order! What an adventure!
"Meet Cathy who's scored most everywhere, from Afghanistan to Vietnam; But Patty's only seen the sights a girl can see from illegal fights - what a crazy pair! But they're cousins, identical cousins all the way; one pair of matching headlights, different as straight and gay. Where Cathy adores a dutch oven, a Donkey Punch, and a tuna melt; our Patty loves to shoot the smack, black tar makes her lose her shit - what D-N-A! But they're cousins, identical cousins and you'll find they cry alike, they speak alike, at times they even freak alike. You can lose your mind ... when cousins are two of a kind!"

Friday, August 15, 2008

Tattoo You

Did diminutive FANTASY ISLAND star Hervé Villechaize actually record a version of Annie Lennox's "Why" accompanied by a motley crew of young runaways? If so, WHY???

The Return of EXTRANO!

This week DC Comics released a trade-paper collection of Steve Englehart & Joe Staton's MILLENNIUM, an 8-part miniseries from 20 years ago. The original series, which ran in weekly installments for 8 weeks, was a grand attempt to introduce a diverse new superteam into the DC Universe.In the well-intended series, a group of individuals were chosen by The Guardians of The Universe (the little blue guys from GREEN LANTERN) to advance to the next step of human evolution. The team, dubbed THE NEW GUARDIANS featured characters from across the globe including a flamboyant, possibly alcoholic and suicidal young man from Peru named Gregorio De La Vega. Gregorio was possibly the most offensively stereotypical of the bunch, which also included a Chinese woman, an English girl, a Japanese man, an Aboriginal woman and three previously existing characters: The villain named The Floronic Man, Tom ('Pie Face') Kalmaku from GREEN LANTERN and fan-favorite Harbinger, who survived CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS only to be sadly sacrificed years later in the new Supergirl origin in the mostly horrendous SUPERMAN/BATMAN series.Gregorio was transformed into Extrano - translated from Spanish meaning "strange" - which I guess makes him DC's gay version of Marvel's Dr. Strange. Extrano's powers were magical, performing "tricks," levitating and firing energy blasts from his (limp) wrists. He was also comic relief. When the NEW GUARDIANS were awarded their own monthly title, Extrano acquired a crystal skull which not only beefed up his powers, but butched him up a bit too. Unfortunately, one of the team's foes was a vampire with HIV which attacked several members including Extrano, who lated tested positive for HIV. So much for comic relief. He has not been seen since the title was cancelled, though fellow HIV positive teammate Jet has recently returned in the pages of GREEN LANTERN as the leader of the Global Guardians. Gay fanboys have a love/hate relationship with Extrano. We love that there was finally a queer superhero, but hated that he was so nelly and cliched. But ultimately, his existence paved the way for many more openly gay and lesbian heroes and villains in the DCU and beyond. My hope is that Extrano's still out there somewhere in the DCU being "strange" and some smart writer will tell the rest of his story. Paging Marc Andreyko!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Gay Kids Are People Too


Is it any wonder why KIDS ARE PEOPLE TOO was Must See TV for gay kids growing up in the 1970s? In one episode alone - Meet "Superman" Christopher Reeve! See Michael Young "Fly"! Singer Ethel Merman turns "Disco Mama" and Olympic star Cathy Rigby performs some amazing gymnastic stunts! It's The Grown-up Show For GAY Kids! Come on, ETHEL MERMAN DISCO...no straight kid (or adult for that matter) would care about that - but I ran down to Korvettes with my $3.99 to purchase it!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

TV tie-in merchandise that makes you say "Huh?"

Um, I'm sort of speechless.

TV tie-in merchandise that makes you say "Huh?"

Joanie does love Chachi...
...but apparently does NOT love wearing a bra.

THE DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS


DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (1971, directed by Harry Kumel) is the oft-told tale of Countess Elizabeth Báthory, the famous Hungarian countess who is allegedly the most prolific serial killer in recorded history and is known as the "Blood Countess". After her husband's death, she was accused of torturing and killing hundreds of girls and young women, with one witness attributing to them over 600 victims, though she was only convicted on 80 counts. She was also accused of witchcraft and pagan practices. She died in 1614. Creepy.
Our cinematic journey begins aboard a train where we see a attractive young couple having sex in beautiful blue light. They finish and then declare their "un-love" for each other. Next they arrive at a majestic hotel, where they appear to be the only guests. We learn that they are on their honeymoon, and she's insisting that he tells his mother about her. Somewhere around here we learn their names are Stefan and Valerie. I do hope mother approves!Two women soon arrive at the hotel, a beautiful young woman named Ilona and an older blonde mystery woman. "Madam" checks in and asks for "the royal suite" and signs in as "Countess Elizabeth Báthory." Turns out that the newlyweds already have booked her favorite room so she settles for the adjoining suite. She comments that the couple are "perfect" and Ilona's already visibly jealous. We notice that Ilona has a slight red bruise on her neck. Meanwhile, Stefan cuts his neck while shaving - and gets miffed at Valerie when she tries to look at the wound. What's up with that, Stef? In bed, Valerie struggles to read the newspaper, but manages to find out about three young girls murdered in Bruges. Bone-chilling!
The next day, the couple having a romantic ride in a canal in Bruges, when they suddenly come upon a crime scene. It's the fourth young woman murdered in a week. A stranger tells Stefan that the girl was found with neck wound - but not a trace of blood! Stefan's interest in the crime scene causes him to violently push Valerie out of the way. On the way back to the hotel, she tells him that she's frightened by his behavior - then she snuggles up to him. We notice that the stranger from the crime scene is on the bus with them. Spooky.
Back at the hotel, it's raining, and Elizabeth is killing time by knitting. Ilona's bored already and wants to leave. Stefan and Val return and Elizabeth greets them and invites them for a drink. She has what appears to be a McDonald's Shamrock Shake, while they have regular drinks. Pierre the concierge  tells them that the Countess once stayed that the hotel over 40 years ago -and hasn't aged a bit! The late edition of the local newspaper features a cover photo of Stefan and Val at the crime scene. Alarming.

The guy from the crowd shows up at the hotel, he tells Elizabeth that he's "just passing by" - turns out he's a retired cop - and he rambles on about ghosts, vampires, etc.. Elizabeth declares that he's distasteful and dismisses him as Ilona dumps Elizabeth's green drink so Stefan will freshen it up for her. Eerie.

While Stefan searches for the bar, Elizabeth tells Valerie the story of her ancestor, the original Countess Elizabeth Báthory, who drank the blood of hundreds of virgins to stay young, then Stefan returns (drinkless?) and Elizabeth caresses him as they recount the historical horror story together. Val freaks out and storms out of the room, Ilona spies on her causing her to scream when she sees someone out on the balcony. Blood-curdling.

Next, Ilona is naked leaning over a bidet and Val is hysterical. Elizabeth offers her drugs to help her sleep - but Val just says no, she just wants to be alone with her husband. When Stef and Val start going at it we see red marks and we also see that Elizabeth and Ilona are watching them! Disturbing.

Next, Stefan finally calls his "mother" - who turns out to be an effeminate older man wearing make-up. "Mother" tells Stefan that it's "unrealistic' that he married a woman - Huh? Then Stef starts beating Valerie as a full-blown thunderstorm strikes the hotel. What a creep! They then wake up naked with him holding a belt, while she has strap marks on her back. Valerie wakes up and sneaks out - to the train station. But Elizabeth follows her to convince her to stay at the hotel and with Stefan. Weird.
Meanwhile, Ilona visits Stefan in his room - and then performs oral sex on him. Back at the train station, Elizabeth gives Valerie a palm reading that includes a kiss. At the hotel, Stefan tries to get Ilona to shower with him, but she doesn't like getting wet, causing her to freak out. While lashing about, she accidentally cuts her hand on his razor - and then falls on it, stabbing herself to death! Hair-raising.Elizabeth and Valerie walk in on Stefan naked on top of a bloody, naked Ilona. The Countess immediately takes charge and orders Valerie and Stefan around. They roll Ilona's dead body down a hill to the beach where Stefan digs a grave with his hands. Elizabeth, wearing a smart black cape, kick's the corpse into the grave, on top of Stefan! Thud!Driving back to the hotel, Elizabeth knocks the cop off his bicycle. Oops!Once back, Stefan sleeps alone while the gals get into some blonde-on-blonde action in Liz's suite. Val is now completely under her control. Oh My.

So, now it's Stefan who's packing his bags and leaving. He demands that Val come with him. Elizabeth shows up in her fabulous glitterball gown and insists that they join her for dinner in her room. Stefan then wigs out again and starts beating Valerie. Elizabeth tries to suffocate him with a punch bowl, which splits in two - cutting his wrists - and then they feed on his blood! Terrifying.

SPOLIER ALERT! After throwing Stefan's body from the hotel roof and into a swamp, they drive away in Elizabeth's vintage car. By dawn's early light, Val begins to lose control of the car, which crashes. Elizabeth's body is flung from the car and impaled on a tree branch, and then engulfed in flames. Uncanny.

A few months later, Valerie is shown hand-in-hand with a young newlywed couple...she's become Elizabeth. Menacing.

A great flick. Wonderful cinematography, gorgeous sets and a fantastic score help you overlook the plot holes (like who's "mother"?) and the sometimes wooden international acting. I'll give it a 10 outta 10 and highly recommend it to fans of horror, lesbians and old hotels.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Who needs The Olympics?

Well, 30 years ago NBC apparently didn't, because they broadcast their own international sporting event - US AGAINST THE WORLD II (The first edition ran the previous season).
Taking a cue from ABC's very sucessfull BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS and CBS's CELEBRITY BATTLE OF THE SEXES, the peacock network mounted what they hoped be an annual "event". Imagine an celebrity athletic show hosted by Gabe (WELCOME BAK KOTTER) Kaplan! Among the stars participating - Ed (TONIGHT SHOW) McMahon, Dick (AMERICAN BANDSTAND) Clark, Dan (GRIZZLY ADAMS) Haggerty, Scott (JOANIE LOVES CHACHI) Baio, Jimmie (J.J. on GOOD TIMES) Walker, Gavin (LOVE BOAT) MacLeod, Melissa (LITTLE HOUSE) Gilbert, Ted (MARY TYLER MOORE) Knight, Cloris (PHYLLIS) Leachman, Kristy (FAMILY) McNichol, Connie (ABC MOVIE OF THE WEEK) Stevens, William (STAR TREK) Shatner, Rich (talk show guest) Little, Bo (WALKING TALL) Svenson, LeVar (ROOTS) Burton, Britt (trophy wife) Ekland, Barbara (VALLEY OF THE DOLLS!!!) Perkins, Victoria (DALLAS) Principal, Fionnula (HOW THE WEST WAS WON) Flannigan and Dick (EIGHT IS ENOUGH) Van Patton! Whew!

Wow! All those big stars! All that sweat! I wonder what celebrities the "international" teams featured? I also wonder who looked the better in a Speedo - Dan Haggerty or Dick Van Patten? Well - we know Dick was in good shape because he had just modeled for this great EIGHT IS ENOUGH tie-in product:
I mean, you really have to be in peak athletic condition to A) Fly a kite B) Keep youngest son Adam Rich away from the drug pushers (pictured in the rear) and C) outrun the family of kite-loving bears that you are taunting with your yellow kite. Priceless.

I guess US AGAINST THE WORLD II didn't take off in the ratings because we didn't see a third edition, which is sad because imagine if the show was still on today. Who would be representing the USA in an all-star competition? Cast members of THE HILLS? Hulk Hogan's family? The Kardashians? Maybe we're better off.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

my "Secret Origin"

A few months ago, someone asked fanboys (of which I guess I am) on the DC Messages Boards to recount their "first time" -meaning their first encounter with comic books. Here at last -because YOU demanded it- is my "secret origin".
I was about 6 or 7 years old - 1970 or 71 and my family was visiting our cousins who lived on Long Island. I was bored with sitting around eating Italian pastries and listening to the adults gossip, so wandered into the basement to find something fun to play with (like my cousin Teresa's awesome Barbie collection). Only this time I found a small cardboard box full of DC Comics. These were the first comics I ever saw. Ever. I remembered they were from the 60s cause of the black & white checkerboard across the covers. As I dug through the pile - my eyes grew wider and my heart raced. Of course I knew who Batman, Superman and Aquaman were from TV, but this was my very first exposure to Green Lantern, Plastic Man, Flash and what was this - THE JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA??? What the...??? Who are all these other guys who are friends with Batman AND Superman - Hawkman, Atom, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter??? It was like I discovered pizza and Christmas all at once. Unfortunately, my aunt or uncle (don't exactly remember which) quickly took the box from me, claiming that they belonged to my cousin who was away in Viet Nam at the time. Everytime I went back to that house, I asked to see that box of comics and they either denied it's existence OR told me that my cousin took them when he came back from the war. What's up with that?

Years later, as an adult I asked my cousin about the comics. He told me they were probably still in that basement and his parents just didn't want me to see them. To this day it baffles me, and makes me wonder why adults would want to deprive a child of something that I was obviously very interested in. I never forgave my aunt & uncle for that, and probably never will. All I ever wanted to do was escape for a little while and enjoy the treasure that I had discovered.

My aunt and uncle are both long gone, but when I do think of them I remember those comics. But at least now I knew who the JLA were - and there was no turning back. Within a year or two I was buying my own comics, not only JLA - but lots of others (including Marvel!)...and I still am. I'm proud to say that I've never hidden my comics from my nephews, but then again the younger generation seems to have no interest in comic books, which saddens me somewhat - but also makes Uncle Doug's "hobby" all the more special.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state...


What is it about THE BIG BAND THEORY that makes it positively addictive? It it the spot-on casting? The witty geek-centric dialogue? The clever nerd-culture filled plotlines? The aggravating, yet endearingly neurotic Sheldon (Jim Parsons-at times channeling Felix Unger)? The adorably pathetic Leonard (Johnny Galecki)? The polar opposites of undersexed, but sexy Rajnesh (Kunal Nayyar) and oversexed, but unsexy Howard (Simon Helberg)? The sudden intrusion of smarter-than-you-think outsider Penny (Kaley Cuoco)? All the DC Comics references? Or is it the wonderfully ridiculous and informative theme song by Barenaked Ladies? Maybe it's just this photo of Sheldon and Leonard...

Well, whatever it is - it seems to be working for me. The fact that I'm watching a CBS three-camera comedy with a live audience/laughtrack is a scientific miracle within itself! Which causes me to pause and ask, have I finally entered the CBS middle-age demographic? What's next for me, GREATEST AMERICAN DOG?


THE BIG BANG THEORY theme lyrics:
Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait...
The Earth began to cool,
The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools,
We built a wall (we built the pyramids),
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,
That all started with the big bang!


© Barenaked Ladies - The Big Bang Theory lyrics are copyrighted to their respective owners.
The Big Bang Theory song lyrics are restricted for educational and personal use only.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Get ready to match the stars...


THE MATCH GAME is a "definitive" TV classic. I remember many afternoons (when I had outgrown cartoons) sitting in front of of the "boob" tube watching adults like Nipsey Russell, Bart Braverman, Brett Somers, Fannie Flagg, Dick Gautier, Betty White, Patty Deutsch, Joyce Bulifant, Elaine Joyce, Marcia Wallace, Richard Dawson and Eva Gabor play the silliest, most naughty, childlike game on television. And you know what? I laughed my BLANK off then...and I still do today when I watch the timeless and endless reruns on GSN.

I also remember owning the not-as-cool-as-you-think home game. Those folks at Milton-Bradley really knew how to take a fun game show and turn into a BLANK-ing dull board game.

But did you ever wonder what it would be like it today's "stars" like Heidi Klum, Madonna, Chloe Sevigny and Tim Gunn appeared on the panel along with deceased showbiz greats like Paul Lynde, Charles Nelson Reilly, Shelley Winters and Herve Villachaize?

Well wonder no more! Also throw in fun 70s and 80s celebrities like Cher, Charo, Patty Duke, Ricardo Montalban, Lisa Welchel, Miss Piggy and Greg Evigan and there you have...the legendary L.A. sensation...THE MISMATCH GAME with your host Dennis Hensley!


See the parody/homage that has been making studio auidiences lose their BLANK for years - It's the filthiest, funniest, most un-PC game show ever and it's LIVE on stage this weekend! FRIDAY, AUGUST 8 - 8 PM • SATURDAY, AUGUST 9 - 8 PM
 • SUNDAY, AUGUST 10 - 7 PM

Where: The Renberg Theatre • 1125 N. McCadden Place, Hollywood, USA
(One block east of Highland, just north of Santa Monica Blvd.)

Tickets $15 • Call 323-860-7300
or buy tickets online!

SCHEDULED TO APPEAR:


• FRIDAY, AUGUST 8 - 8 PM
 Jack Plotnick as Paul Lynde; Oscar Quintero as Charo; Tony Tripoli as Charles Nelson Reilly; Kate Flannery as Patty Duke; Felix Pire as Ricardo Montalban; Madeline Long as Shelley Winters


• SATURDAY, AUGUST 9 - 8 PM
 Tom Lenk as Heidi Klum; Sam Pancake as Lisa Whelchel; Tony Tripoli as Charles Nelson Reilly; Nadya Ginsburg as Cher; Danny Casillas as Herve Villechaize; Madeline Long as Shelley Winters


• SUNDAY, AUGUST 10 - 7 PM
 Drew Droege as Chloe Sevigny; Ted Biaselli as Miss Piggy; Tony Tripoli as Charles Nelson Reilly; Nadya Ginsburg as Madonna; Patrick Bristow as Tim Gunn; Madeline Long as Shelley Winters



Oh yeah - and audience members can be contestants...and win real prizes!

For clips and more, visit myspace

WRANGLER:Anatomy of an Icon

What do BONANZA, Rose Marie and gay porn have in common? Jack Wrangler of course!

Jeffery Schwarz's WRANGLER: ANATOMY OF AN ICON is a stunning new documentary chronicling the story of Jack Stillman, a Hollywood brat (his dad was one of BONANZA's producers) who went from legit acting (bit parts on THE MOD SQUAD and MEDICAL CENTER) to modeling to being the king of 1970s gay porn to straight porn and back to legit showbiz (producing musical theater). Along the way he found unexpected companionship and love with sophisticated songbird Margaret Whiting (pal of Rose Marie)!



This true Hollywood story is a treat - as entertaining as it is informative. An unfiltered portrait of the blond-haired, blue eyed nice guy who just happened to be a porn star. Featuring some great clips from Jack's films and interviews with folks as diverse as Christine Ebersole, Samantha Fox, Chi Chi La Rue, Gloria Leonard, Rod McKuen, Marc Shaiman, Bruce Vilanch and Carol Woods.

You can catch screenings of WRANGLER: ANATOMY OF AN ICON this month as part of the"TLA Releasing Presents" series :

NEW YORK CITY
August 8-14, 2008
Quad Cinema
34 West 13th St.
New York, NY 10011
www.quadcinema.com

LOS ANGELES
August 15-21, 2008
Laemmle Sunset 5
8000 Sunset Blvd.
West Hollywood, CA 90046
www.laemmle.com

FT. LAUDERDALE
August 22-28, 2008
Gateway Cinemas
1820 E. Sunrise Blvd.
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33304