COACH

Not to confused with the dreadful ABC sitcom of the 90s, COACH (1978, directed by Bud Townsend) is a dreadful PG-rated sexploitation film from my childhood. I remember watching (a surely edited-for-TV version of) it on the CBS Wednesday Night Movie and then talking with my Catholic school friends the next day about how great it was. THAT'S INCREDIBLE's perky Scientologist icon Cathy Lee Crosby stars as Olympic track & field champion Randy Rawlings, who leaves her job as an instructor in a 1970s equivalent to "Curves" to coach a boys basketball team at a private high school. Why not?

The movie opens with a soundless montage of Cathy running track, until she bursts through the finish line and steps up to receive her Gold Medal as The Star-Spangled Banner plays. (It's public domain, so no royalty fees like that pesky Olympic music). Meanwhile, in the sleepy town of Granger, Keenan Wynn (or was it Denver Pyle? - I always get those crazy old coots mixed up!) is perplexed by his grandson's high school basketball team and their perpetual losing streak. So Keenan gets the schlep-y, non-athletic looking coach fired and selects his replacement through some amazing futuristic "computer" program. The computer determines that the Olympic track star Randy Rawlings has just the right qualifications. When Randy arrives, Western Union telegram in hand, everyone discovers that this star athlete is a woman!!! Not only that but, a sexy, liberated, blonde woman who doesn't own a bra!  Prevented from firing her due to certain newly-passed anti-discrimination laws, Randy is given a chance to turn the teen-age losers into winners. But her job hinges on delivering a perfect season. If the team loses even one game, shes out on her sexy tight ass! Keenan later instructs his grandson to give her nothing but trouble.

Well, the boys (well, I'll call them "boys" despite that the actors look to be about mostly in 25-35 years old range) at Moose Knuckle High (according to our friend John W., a "Moose Knuckle" is the male equivalent of "Camel Toe"), don't take to kindly to having a woman coach, and they berate her with sexist remarks and gestures. She's the CTLF ("Coach They'd Like to Fuck"), but they don't want her telling them what to do. Always a pro, our Randy ignores their shenanigans and tells them she's there to kick some ass. She's even wearing an outfit that looks like her WONDER WOMAN costume from the aborted 1974 TV-movie pilot.

The team is a bunch of freak and geeks who don't have a clue how to win. There's the bookish nerd with glasses, the lanky scarecrow, the black guy, the albino with a receding hairline, the mildly-retarded rich kid and of course the school stud, Jack (future TERMINATOR star Michael Biehn), her star player and future sex partner. She earns the boys' respect by walking in on them while they are all naked in the shower and turning off the hot water, and forcing them stay under ice cold water for a minute. She learned this from her former coach, Alberto Gonzalez. 

Then she proceeds  to "coach" them by bringing in her superstar NBA buddy (or drug dealer) to teach the guys some professional moves. Before you know it, the team is playing better and Jack is playing WITH Randy's boobs! Never mind that's he's supposed to be like 17 and she's at least 35...and the fact that she's abusing her role as an adult in charge of  "kids" by having sex with one of them. This issue never even comes up, as she and Jack fall in love through a series of montage images set to cheesy 70s music. Soon the rest of the boys grow to like Randy. Why they even let her join them in the "Hey Lahdy Lahdy" sing-along on the team bus. Awwww...

Meanwhile, there's an embarrassing and tedious subplot involving hypnosis, and how the boys are able to help get their gawky teammate to get better grades and play better ball whenever he hears the word "Jabberwocky". When Randy finds out about it, she tells the boys that if he can play like a pro under hypnosis, he can do it without it! But later when the team is losing a big game, she leads the entire gymnasium in chanting "Jabberwocky" so they can win. So basically, she sends the message that's it's okay to cheat. Great coach, what's next, steroids?
For a PG-rated film, we see plenty of flesh, including at least 4 pairs of females nipples (when co-eds flash the boys at a dull house party), a bunch of naked male butts (during the shower torture-scene) and lots of moose knuckles in satin shorts and tight jeans. I give this one 6 "Huhs?" just for it's spunkiness. It's basically an ABC Afterschool Special about statutory rape, without the drama, moral judgement and legal repercussions. In other words, it's just good, clean fun for an cougar to bed one of her students!  This makes me wants to revisit LIFEGUARD starring Sam Elliot, another sexy  CBS Wednesday Night Movie classic.

ROBO VAMPIRE

With Doug busy promoting his film SOCKET, we have recruited Danny to fill in with one of his outrageous reviews. Take it away Danny...

Okay, this will not be easy.  Usually I pick movies that I think will be delightfully bad, but at least understandable.  For the first time ever, no one understood our first feature, ROBO VAMPIRE (1988, directed by Joe Livingstone).
It starts with a goofy guy loading heroin into coffins, because the drug guys are using vampires as drug mules, right.  Okay, so the vampires won't wake up as long as they have the magic post-it on them.  Even so, a couple of the vampires get all uppity and escape from their coffins (we later discover that it's not heroin, but rice powder!  That's why the vamps got upset.)  They attack the goofy guy, who suddenly gets help from a wizardy/priesty guy. Truly it was really creepy the way the vampires BOUNCED toward their prey!
Can you imagine this bouncing toward you???  CREEPY!
 
..and it would appear that the head vampire was a big Ernie Kovacs fan cause he wears a gorilla mask like the one Ernie did for the classic Nairobi Trio sketch, you know the one...    

Anyway, it would seem that the Ernie Kovacs vampire is going to be put away until the arrival of the witch lady, who comes and shoots toilet paper at the wizard and she's all up in arms that her lover, Peter, is now the Kovacs Vampire and if the Wizard wants to live he has to marry them. Got it?
 
Okay, so the drug guys are are escorting the drugs about when they are suddenly ambushed by the NARCs led by Tom.  Well, Tom weren't expecting no vampires what go "BOING" and he gets his throat ripped out by Kovacs.
 
Then we meet the other Narcs and they say stuff like (Actual dialogue): “Now that Tom is dead, I want to use his body to create an android-like robot. I'd appreciate you approving my application.” 
"O'tay, Spanky, Amplication approofed!"... (Not actual dialogue, but exactly how it played...)
 
So they take downed anti-drug officer Tom and hook him up to the life support machine
I'm not sure exactly how it works, but I think if the minus sign flashes more than the plus sign, then it's bad... and vice versa.  Anyway, they put a car battery in him and make him an android-like robot... and don't let that poster art work up top fool you... he didn't look that much like Paul Fairyoven's ROBOCOP.  He actually looked like this...Maybe it's just me, but I think he'd compliment a futuristic sofa quite nicely.

Anyway, Robo-Tom goes around blowing things up good.  And then the wizard/priesty guy unleashes his bouncy vamps and they battle bot.

He defeats the bouncy vamps, but then Wizardy/Priesty guy pulls out a rocket launcher and blows up Robo-Tom good.  So, they hook Robo-Tom up to the life support machine.    There's more plus signs than minus flashes so he's going to be okay, cause it turns out t'was only a flesh wound... kidding, the movie says it was just a short circuit.  And now that he's all better, Robo-Tom goes to White Witch Lady & Kovacs Vamp's wedding where every one fights with everyone and there's boing, boing, boing, and flying toilet paper abound!  Robo-Tom pulls out a convenient flame thrower and burns Kovacs Vamp and all the boingy vamps. Then it ends.  Honestly, we couldn't figure out what was going on, who was who or what was what.  It seemed like 7-year-olds wrote the script going, "..and then this happens..."   I commend the film makers for taking the time to blow things up good, including one of the main characters. Unfortunately I give this movie more minus signs than plus signs.