BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA

Since Danny gave such a fun review of BIG BAD MAMA, I asked him to share his comments on another MAMA movie classic. (This review is also from 2007) Take it away Danny... BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA aka WOMEN IN CHAINS (1972, Eddie Romero) simply put, starts out like an episode of CHARLIE'S ANGELS, but then withers into a JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS cartoon gone awfully awry. 

It begins with our heroines (Black Mama Pam Grier and White Mama Margaret Markov) arriving at the prison somewhere in Central America (although, for some reason most of the extras look Filipino!!!). They are soon treated to a shower where the "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" watches the girlie inmates shower and frolic, like that scene in PORKY'S. 

After freshening up, the girls all report to their bunks...and it turns out prison in Central America isn't so much punishment as it is a slumber party! The "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" calls on Black Mama that first night, but Pam clearly shows that she doesn't swing that way. This was way before THE L WORD, though I'm not sure she swings that way there either.

The story is totally different when White Mama goes to see miss "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" -  Pam calls her out on it and she simply replies, "you had you chance."  I agreed.  Then there were these two sets of bad guys and they wanted something or other from either White Mama or Black Mama...and they all seemed to really, really like the Filipino-looking extras.  

Anyway, for some reason the Mamas were being transferred (maybe to the Tea Party prison?), and we all knew something was going to go all wrong.  I was sure a tidal wave was gonna come and knock the bus over, thus releasing our heroines (I don't know, maybe it's because the location had that miniature look to it...) everyone else thought it would be a train wreck, like in THE FUGITIVE or an "accident" like in ANOTHER 48 HOURS, but nobody guessed it would be the old "yak in the road" ploy! 

Yeah, there's a yak and the bus stops and there's shooting and both mean lesbian matrons get shot dead (as usual)... and our heroines escape, chained together!!! Black Mama tugs on the chain and White Mama says, "I'm not a yo-yo!". Well, she's not!

So they fight, walk through a stream, wrestle, get attacked by a fat guy ( whom they kill and burn up) and lots of other stuff.
But most of all, they learn to get along. Meanwhile, those two sets of bad guys keep tracking them and wanting something from each of them while they continue to enjoy the Filipino girlie extras, of which there seems to be an endless supply. I hope they at least got paid in craft services.

So, finally one set of guys finds the girls, releases them from each other and takes them to a pier where the other set of guys is waiting!!! There's gun fire, things blow up good, Black Mama gets on a boat and White Mama is shot dead. Oops - did I give away the ending? Sorry. The End. Looking forward to the sequel, BLACK MAMA, BIG BAD WHITE MAMA!

Doug gives this one a 6 outta 10. Not great, but enjoyable in small doses.

The Happy Hooker Returns

Here's a post from two years ago...in honor of the late Lynn Redgrave. Since it was Feb. 14th and my other half was out of town, I decided to give myself a special Valentine's Day treat. What's more romantic than Lynn Redgrave as THE HAPPY HOOKER (1975, directed by Nicholas Sgarro)? After GEORGY GIRL, but before HOUSE CALLS the TV series, Lynn decided to star in the first of three theatrical films based on the book by real-life hooker Xaviera Hollander. Interestingly, while her sister Vanessa was appearing in high-profile films like MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS and JULIA, Lynn was playing the world's most famous madame. Wonder if they had the same agent?

The dvd starts off promising with a 20th Century Fox logo, followed by a MGM logo (MGM makes great movies, right?) but then the dreaded Cannon Group logo appears and we know we are in for some good, trashy fun. It starts off with a bang as the title theme song "Put Yourself in My Hands" is sung by Mary Olga and goes like this:
"I can make you happy
I can turn you on
Bring me all your troubles
Soon they'll be gone
Put yourself in my hands baby
Whatever you want me to do...I'll do
Put yourself in my hands baby
I'll know how to handle you"

It's Christmastime at the police station and all the hookers are there including April Jones, May Smith and Aurora Goldberg they all give their address as 328 West 80th, except a weepy housewife from White Plains - and presenting Miss Xaviera Hollander!

Flashback to the origin of The Happy Hooker - several years earlier she arrives in America from Holland, fresh-faced and ready to get married...only she's left waiting at the airport. She tells us in voiceover that she "was just a girl who crossed the ocean for a man". When the man (named Carl Gordon) finally arrives, he's gross and rude. He even makes her carry the heavy luggage.


















Then they have sloppy sex while his mother bangs on the wall of the apartment next door. She serves him tiger's milk and yeast as he admires his ugly self in the mirror. He's also on an all-meat diet. What does young X see in this freak? Okay - his apartment is fabulous with a great view. Carl's mom arrives soon to make the bed and see how long X plans on staying....she tells Mrs Gordon that she's Carl's fiancee. Mrs. Gordon is decidedly non-plussed.

Later, at dinner, we learn that Carl calls his mom by her first name, Cheryl. Carl's dad falls asleep at the dinner table and Cheryl is mean to her maid Rosita...and starts insulting X about her weight. GEORGY GIRL flashback? Rosita tries to serve a raw steak to Carl, while Cheryl continues to insult X about everything including the fact that she's from Holland - Carl decides to stay with mother as X marches out the door in a huff. So much for love and marriage.

Back in the present X gets to meet the little ladies of the night in the holding cell. Back to the past, X gets her first apartment and is shown around by a rough young blond who dresses like the Brawny lumberjack who tries to rape her when she offers him a drink. Men are pigs!

Soon X hits the single bars scene where she meets "every Tom, Dick and Harry with a pleasant face and tolerable manner". One her tricks has spent the night. He's dressed like a lawn jockey. Huh?
















Next there's another scene at the city jail where all the tough, sassy black hookers start to harass X as funky soul music plays in the background. Another flashback shows X working at the Dutch consulate - and is trying to type something, but obviously her fingers are meant for other activities. A rich French guy asks her to translate a letter from Dutch for him. "It might as well be Chinese!" If only. I think Frenchie invites X to dinner or something, cause soon they are walking through Central Park and she's dressed like a Pierrot - a French clown! Maybe Frenchie has a clown fetish, because before you know it they are post-coital and embarking on a cruise on his yacht. On the boat we meet Frenchie's snobby, bitchy rich friends - this is starting to remind me of THE LAST OF SHEILA. Wonder who'll get murdered?












Soon X is getting a foot massage from Frenchie and one of his lady friends - Madelaine. After a few days of getting gifts and treats from Prince Frenchie Charming, he gives her an envelope of cash for the pleasure she's given him. "You make me feel like a whore!" and she slaps him. He tells her that she deserves to be spoiled by men. And so, Frenchie gives her number to his friends and she makes the transition "from office girl to working girl".

Tom Poston plays an executive who orders her to get on a boardroom table and strip for him and two other guys as he places money on the table from a suitcase. X is wearing black lace bar and panties with garter belts and fishnet stockings. Her long, stringy hair reminds me of the Sea Hag from Popeye cartoons. He stops her right before she's about to moon him. Then she gives him a stock market report full of double entendres as she slowly puts her clothes back on. He likes this. It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable.













X rides her bike around the city in various silly outfits. She keeps all her hooker earnings in a cookie jar. A Rutger Hauer-ish looking cop comes to visit her. He inspects her apartment without a search warrant, commenting on her collection of booze and looking for pot. He's on to her hooking ways...and then HE tries to rape her!!! Cops are pigs! Well, men cops, anyway.

Next she dresses real hooker-ish with frosted pink lipstick and fake mole to attend a Park Avenue cocktail party where everyone is dressed in fashion atrocities of the 1970s including one call girl in a macrame dress and another one wearing dozens of pearl necklaces. Not to be outdone, the hostess, Madame Madelaine (played fabulously by the amazingly named Lovelady Powell) dons a stunning sky-blue caftan. We next witness a redhead (the late, great Broadway legend Anita Morris) being made into a human banana split. Madelaine gives X some sage advice: "You don't dress like a hooker in whorehouse!" Best line so far.


















A racist Southern whore (Anita Morris- again?) refuses to do a three-way with a client and a black whore, so X decides to do a slow seductive dance with Aurora to show that she's not prejudiced against blacks nor lesbians (as the sexy song called "One to One" plays). Next X dons a CABARET wig for a hairy client named Harry who dresses in leather, and calls his wife on the phone as X and his German Shepherd bark in the background. A true success, X decides to set out on her own, taking some of Madeline's girls with her and the clients followed. She rides her bike in her fur and leads the hookers in a daily jog. She must be successful, cause she's so eccentric!
















Back in the present - the black hookers yell thing like "bet you ain't got no black ass turning tricks in your high-class fucking house" at X and her posse. New best line so far.
















One of the hookers declares that she thinks Bert and Ernie are fags. Meanwhile, the dirty cop continues to stalk X. Madelaine and X negotiate a business deal over tea and Madelaine announces that she's pregnant from a trick! She asks, "Do you think an old whore could be a good mother?" Okay, newest best line!

At X's Christmas party, Carlos (super-hot Guillermo Irizarry in his one and only acting role to date) the whore house boy entertains us by wearing tight pants and a half shirt, while Vincent Schiavelli gets entertained by a whore who sings "The Happy Hooker" song to him. Meanwhile, Anita Morris gets covered with whip cream, which is washed off by champagne. Three guys wearing Christmas corsages (one has a unibrow) turn out to be undercover cops and bust the girls even after X tries to make it seem like all she serves is drinks. Nice try, X. This is actually a great scene and Lynn's performance here is outstanding.

So back to the present - the hookers are bailed out of jail and a group of little kids follow them down the street "You're all little boys," X says to the shopkeeper who chases the kids away...as "Put Yourself in My Hands" returns to amuse us one last time. After all, it is Christmas! The end.

I gotta say, this was far better than I expected it to be. Lynn Redgrave is so much fun to watch and despite it being about sex workers, there is very little sex and nudity in the film. Actually all the sex scenes take place after the actual sex has happened, and the only two nude scenes feature Anita Morris.



















I'm sure the real true story of Xaviera Hollander (pictured here with Lynn) is a bit more racy and must have had some dark moments, but THE HAPPY HOOKER actually made me feel "happy". Far better than PRETTY WOMAN, but not as good as THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS. I give it 7 outta 10 big hooker with a heart of gold "Huhs?" Happy Valentine's Day! SWAK!

"Your high-class fucking house". Still laughing out loud.

POLICEWOMEN

Another previously posted review. No - not POLICEWOMAN, the awesome nipple-filled NBC TV series from 1974-78 starring Angie Dickinson - but POLICEWOMEN - a groovy nipple-filled exploitation flick from the same year!







































The story starts at a women's prison - where a jailbreak is set in motion. One of the female guards is pretty redhead who resembles the love child of Marcia Cross and Dixie Carter. She takes control of the situation by putting some karate moves on the would-be escapees. A few of the girls make it out and manage to strip naked and change into sexy skin-tight black outfits. After the women guards call in the male officers for help, the girls throw a grenade at them and set off tear gas. Then they head for the roof and blow something up - escaping down the side of the building. Whew! Did I mention one of the girls has a giant Afro?






Then the credits role...we see Sondra Currie, POLICEWOMEN modeling her uniform, a bikini, a raincoat, a dance outfit and an evening gown. This is one of the best opening title sequences...ever!

After the credits we meet the entire Akerfield, CA police department - three dumb cops - Black Cop, Hunky Honky Cop and Fat Cop. They are all sexist pigs who call our hero, Lt. Lacey Bond "honey," "girl" and "troublemaker". Lacey tells the three piggies that she wants to find out what "gut police work is all about" by going on special assignment for them. They doubt that she's capable of handling the case - so they devise a series of tests for her to pass - similar to what Queen Hippolyta came up with to find an Amazon worthy to come to Man's World. So they test her...

Lacey excels at target practice - so much that she blows the head off the target dummy. She then passes the driving test with flying colors after she drives a police car at 40 MPH backwards!!! If that's not enough, she must take on a martial artist named Bill McLardy, who looks like an extra from CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC. At first Bill kicks her ass and then calls her "honey", but then she goes all KILL BILL on him - kicking him in the balls, knocking him down repeatedly and breaking his tooth. So she passes the tests - and they tell her her assignment: she must infiltrate a female mafia that has been smuggling gigantic amounts of gold into the country! Huh? Then a professor (he wears a lab coat and glasses so you know he's smart) gives her a compact that's also a radio and a cigarette lighter that's a micro-miniature transmitter. Cool, just like Q! They tell her they will have the three pigs monitoring her at all times. She's says she's on her own - and she that's just the way she likes it!

Soon, she's on a stakeout with the pigs. We learn that 70 year old Maude Anderson and her 30 year old lover, Doc are behind the whole gold thing. There's a string of indictments against them, but so far no conviction. Looks like Lacey has a challenge ahead of her.

Soon, a chick in a Cadillac convertible attracts Lacey's attention - and she decides to chase her! Huh? The chick is beeping her horn at an old couple in a red Volvo, but she's cut off by the white van, and her car tumbles over a cliff and explodes! The pigs arrive and tell Lacey that the trunk of the car was laced with heroin and that she's responsible for killing the driver. Huh???

After a heated argument with the pigs, Lacey tries to make peace with them, but they are just not having it. Meanwhile, the two escaped convicts pop out of the trunk of another Caddy. We next meet Maude - who looks like a butch cross between Ruth Gordon and Grandma Walton. Maude is sitting in her backyard counting her money while her scantily clad girls frolic in the background. It's like a twisted HODGE PODGE LODGE. The two prisoners are introduced to Maude. When she learns that the Pam (the girl with the Afro) was a hooker, who escaped using a fake pistol - Maude asks "Since when do whores make guns and get involved in jailbreaks?" Hmmm....since when indeed.








Suddenly a crazy Asian girl shows up and begins the most insane racist tirade I've heard since Marge Schott. This is what she says: "I don't want any blacks around here. Blacks are lazy. They spill their guts when they get caught. They have sore feet and big asses. They shuffle and sing spirituals. They stink. I don't give a god damn shit for n******s!" Pam responds "Why honey, I've always said nice thinks about g***s." This was a scene I just needed to watch over and over again.

These two they have a HUGE fight - knocking each other all over the lawn furniture while the rest of the girls cheer them on. Pam beats the living daylights out of the Asian racist girl - and we are happy. Maude is pleased as well, responding "Okay black girl, you got yourself a job." Then we meet Maude's body-obsessed boyfriend, Doc - who is like the gross bastard child of Owen Wilson and Larry the Cable Guy.















After the girls go to their barracks, Doc rambles on about the girls to Maude and how he thinks they are all c***s. This guy is quite a catch, Maudie. Later she yells at him, telling him to stop lifting weights cause he's starting to look like a "dod damn gorilla!" Doc responds by telling her he wants to fuck, but she has a headache AND a sore throat!!! Ewwwwwww...

Meanwhile Lacey wins the pigs over by bringing them food and dressing like a stewardess. Then Lacey and the Hunky Honkey guy Frank are assigned to an undercover mission on Catalina! Back at girl camp, the other escapee (Janette) gives Pam a makeover while another girl slips into the shower with Doc. He resists and she calls him a fag. I'm calling GLAAD tomorrow. We're off to Catalina where Frank and Lacey play tourists - riding bikes, sailing a catamaran, eating shrimp cocktail, riding horses, eating wieners, swimming, drinking cognac - all as romantic music plays in the background. Then they fuck and drink Asti Spumanti and have "pillow talk" where he tells her that she's "a lady with a mission"...and a trick pelvis! Later they are tanning and drinking Tabs when Frank notices a call girl that's he's arrested before on another boat! Huh? Then the hooker notices him!!! From another boat- without binoculars!!! Is this possible at all? So then we have a high-speed game of chicken, which ends with Frank jumping on the other boat. The girls soon gang up on him, hitting him with oars and chains. Hot.

Lacey comes to Frank's rescue with her karate-chopping ways. She kicks ALL their asses very handily, takes the 5 girls prisoner and calls for help on her compact! Then a Paul Lynde look-a-like calls Maude to give her some information about the cops closing in on her. Maude is annoyed that she has to leave her tennis match - but escapes in a VW and then a seaplane! They manage to lure Lacey to their lair, where Doc ties her up and beats her mercilessly. Maude declares "that's enough, for now."

The two escaped cons (Janette and Pam) then recognize Lacey - but think she's one of them! Maude offers her a job - and she accepts! The girls then have a party, and over dinner Janette realizes that Lacey's a cop...and SO IS PAM!!! That's why the title is POLICEWOMEN, not POLCEWOMAN!!! Then Pam and Janette have fight and Janette falls off a cliff. Did I mention Pam is wearing a "Black Pride" tee shirt?

So - turns out Pam is working for the Secret Service - tracking Maude's gold shipments. We find out that the gold is coming in via stock footage of submarines!!! Soon the girls are unloading the gold from the sub and dressing in army uniforms - but Doc discovers that Lacey has a tracking device...the lighter! Maude pulls a gun on them and tells them they are going shove them off a cliff. Lots of cliff in this film, no?

In the back of a convoy of Army trucks, Lacey kicks Doc's ass and Pam grabs the gun from Maude. Then Lacey gives a karate chop to the driver...and they jump from truck to truck, hijacking the convoy. Lacey next takes on the racist Asian chick - getting the final word on that one.

Later, Lacey tells the pigs where the rest of the gold is and Frank tells her that hey are going to be working together again soon. Set up for a sequel??? Then they fuck in a cop car. Meanwhile, Maude is hauled off to jail - and tells Doc that next time they'll try diamonds!

This one's a winner. 9 outta 10 in my book. Rent it, buy it, love it.

THE HAPPY HOOKER

Since it's Feb. 14th and my other half is out of town, I decided to give myself a special Valentine's Day treat. What's more romantic than Lynn Redgrave as THE HAPPY HOOKER (1975, directed by Nicholas Sgarro)? After GEORGY GIRL, but before HOUSE CALLS the TV series, Lynn decided to star in the first of three theatrical films based on the book by real-life hooker Xaviera Hollander. Interestingly, while her sister Vanessa was appearing in high-profile films like MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS and JULIA, Lynn was playing the world's most famous madame. Wonder if they had the same agent?

The dvd starts off promising with a 20th Century Fox logo, followed by a MGM logo (MGM makes great movies, right?) but then the dreaded Cannon Group logo appears and we know we are in for some good, trashy fun. It starts off with a bang as the title theme song "Put Yourself in My Hands" is sung by Mary Olga and goes like this:
"I can make you happy
I can turn you on
Bring me all your troubles
Soon they'll be gone
Put yourself in my hands baby
Whatever you want me to do...I'll do
Put yourself in my hands baby
I'll know how to handle you"

It's Christmastime at the police station and all the hookers are there including April Jones, May Smith and Aurora Goldberg they all give their address as 328 West 80th, except a weepy housewife from White Plains - and presenting Miss Xaviera Hollander!

Flashback to the origin of The Happy Hooker - several years earlier she arrives in America from Holland, fresh-faced and ready to get married...only she's left waiting at the airport. She tells us in voiceover that she "was just a girl who crossed the ocean for a man". When the man (named Carl Gordon) finally arrives, he's gross and rude. He even makes her carry the heavy luggage.

Then they have sloppy sex while his mother bangs on the wall of the apartment next door. She serves him tiger's milk and yeast as he admires his ugly self in the mirror. He's also on an all-meat diet. What does young X see in this freak? Okay - his apartment is fabulous with a great view. Carl's mom arrives soon to make the bed and see how long X plans on staying....she tells Mrs Gordon that she's Carl's fiancee. Mrs. Gordon is decidedly non-plussed.

Later, at dinner, we learn that Carl calls his mom by her first name, Cheryl. Carl's dad falls asleep at the dinner table and Cheryl is mean to her maid Rosita...and starts insulting X about her weight. GEORGY GIRL flashback? Rosita tries to serve a raw steak to Carl, while Cheryl continues to insult X about everything including the fact that she's from Holland - Carl decides to stay with mother as X marches out the door in a huff. So much for love and marriage.

Back in the present X gets to meet the little ladies of the night in the holding cell. Back to the past, X gets her first apartment and is shown around by a rough young blonde who dresses like the Brawny lumberjack who tries to rape her when she offers him a drink. Men are pigs!

Soon X hits the single bars scene where she meets "every Tom, Dick and Harry with a pleasant face and tolerable manner". One her tricks has spent the night. He's dressed like a lawn jockey. Huh?

Next there's another scene at the city jail where all the tough, sassy black hookers start to harass X as funky soul music plays in the background. Another flashback shows X working at the Dutch consulate - and is trying to type something, but obviously her fingers are meant for other activities. A rich French guy asks her to translate a letter from Dutch for him. "It might as well be Chinese!" If only. I think Frenchie invites X to dinner or something, cause soon they are walking through Central Park and she's dressed like a Pierrot - a French clown! Maybe Frenchie has a clown fetish, because before you know it they are post-coital and embarking on a cruise on his yacht. On the boat we meet Frenchie's snobby, bitchy rich friends - this is starting to remind me of THE LAST OF SHEILA. Wonder who'll get murdered?

Soon X is getting a foot massage from Frenchie and one of his lady friends - Madelaine. After a few days of getting gifts and treats from Prince Frenchie Charming, he gives her an envelope of cash for the pleasure she's given him. "You make me feel like a whore!" and she slaps him. He tells her that she deserves to be spoiled by men. And so, Frenchie gives her number to his friends and she makes the transition "from office girl to working girl".

Tom Poston plays an executive who orders her to get on a boardroom table and strip for him and two other guys as he places money on the table from a suitcase. X is wearing black lace bar and panties with garter belts and fishnet stockings. Her long, stringy hair reminds me of the Sea Hag from Popeye cartoons. He stops her right before she's about to moon him. Then she gives him a stock market report full of double entendres as she slowly puts her clothes back on. He likes this. It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

X rides her bike around the city in various silly outfits. She keeps all her hooker earnings in a cookie jar. A Rutger Hauer-ish looking cop comes to visit her. He inspects her apartment without a search warrant, commenting on her collection of booze and looking for pot. He's on to her hooking ways...and then HE tries to rape her!!! Cops are pigs! Well, men cops, anyway.

Next she dresses real hooker-ish with frosted pink lipstick and fake mole to attend a Park Avenue cocktail party where everyone is dressed in fashion atrocities of the 1970s including one call girl in a macrame dress and another one wearing dozens of pearl necklaces. Not to be outdone, the hostess, Madame Madelaine (played fabulously by the amazingly named Lovelady Powell) dons a stunning sky-blue caftan. We next witness a redhead (the late, great Broadway legend Anita Morris) being made into a human banana split. Madelaine gives X some sage advice: "You don't dress like a hooker in whorehouse!" Best line so far.

A racist Southern whore (Anita Morris- again?) refuses to do a three-way with a client and a black whore, so X decides to do a slow seductive dance with Aurora to show that she's not prejudiced against blacks nor lesbians (as the sexy song called "One to One" plays). Next X dons a CABARET wig for a hairy client named Harry who dresses in leather, and calls his wife on the phone as X and his German Shepherd bark in the background. A true success, X decides to set out on her own, taking some of Madeline's girls with her and the clients followed. She rides her bike in her fur and leads the hookers in a daily jog. She must be successful, cause she's so eccentric!

Back in the present - the black hookers yell thing like "bet you ain't got no black ass turning tricks in your high-class fucking house" at X and her posse. New best line so far.

One of the hookers declares that she thinks Bert and Ernie are fags. Meanwhile, the dirty cop continues to stalk X. Madelaine and X negotiate a business deal over tea and Madelaine announces that she's pregnant from a trick! She asks, "Do you think an old whore could be a good mother?" Okay, newest best line!

At X's Christmas party, Carlos (super-hot Guillermo Irizarry in his one and only acting role to date) the whore house boy entertains us by wearing tight pants and a half shirt, while Vincent Schiavelli gets entertained by a whore who sings "The Happy Hooker" song to him. Meanwhile, Anita Morris gets covered with whip cream, which is washed off by champagne. Three guys wearing Christmas corsages (one has a unibrow) turn out to be undercover cops and bust the girls even after X tries to make it seem like all she serves is drinks. Nice try, X. This is actually a great scene and Lynn's performance here is outstanding.

So back to the present - the hookers are bailed out of jail and a group of little kids follow them down the street "You're all little boys," X says to the shopkeeper who chases the kids away...as "Put Yourself in My Hands" returns to amuse us one last time. After all, it is Christmas! The end.

I gotta say, this was far better than I expected it to be. Lynn Redgrave is so much fun to watch and despite it being about sex workers, there is very little sex and nudity in the film. Actually all the sex scenes take place after the actual sex has happened, and the only two nude scenes feature Anita Morris. I'm sure the real true story of Xaviera Hollander (pictured here with Lynn) is a bit more racy and must have had some dark moments, but THE HAPPY HOOKER actually made me feel "happy". Far better than PRETTY WOMAN, but not as good as THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS. I give it 7 outta 10 big hooker with a heart of gold "Huhs?" Happy Valentine's Day! SWAK!

"Your high-class fucking house". Still laughing out loud.

Policewomen

No - not POLICEWOMAN, the awesome nipple-filled NBC TV series from 1974-78 starring Angie Dickinson - but POLICEWOMEN - a groovy nipple-filled exploitation flick from the same year!
The story starts at a women's prison - where a jailbreak is set in motion. One of the female guards is pretty redhead who resembles the love child of Marcia Cross and Dixie Carter. She takes control of the situation by putting some karate moves on the would-be escapees. A few of the girls make it out and manage to strip naked and change into sexy skin-tight black outfits. After the women guards call in the male officers for help, the girls throw a grenade at them and set off tear gas. Then they head for the roof and blow something up - escaping down the side of the building. Whew! Did I mention one of the girls has a giant Afro?

Then the credits role...we see Sondra Currie, POLICEWOMEN modeling her uniform, a bikini, a raincoat, a dance outfit and an evening gown. This is one of the best opening title sequences...ever!

After the credits we meet the entire Akerfield, CA police department - three dumb cops - Black Cop, Hunky Honky Cop and Fat Cop. They are all sexist pigs who call our hero, Lt. Lacey Bond "honey," "girl" and "troublemaker". Lacey tells the three piggies that she wants to find out what "gut police work is all about" by going on special assignment for them. They doubt that she's capable of handling the case - so they devise a series of tests for her to pass - similar to what Queen Hippolyta came up with to find an Amazon worthy to come to Man's World. So they test her...

Lacey excels at target practice - so much that she blows the head off the target dummy. She then passes the driving test with flying colors after she drives a police car at 40 MPH backwards!!! If that's not enough, she must take on a martial artist named Bill McLardy, who looks like an extra from CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC. At first Bill kicks her ass and then calls her "honey", but then she goes all KILL BILL on him - kicking him in the balls, knocking him down repeatedly and breaking his tooth. So she passes the tests - and they tell her her assignment: she must infiltrate a female mafia that has been smuggling gigantic amounts of gold into the country! Huh? Then a professor (he wears a lab coat and glasses so you know he's smart) gives her a compact that's also a radio and a cigarette lighter that's a micro-miniature transmitter. Cool, just like Q! They tell her they will have the three pigs monitoring her at all times. She's says she's on her own - and she that's just the way she likes it!

Soon, she's on a stakeout with the pigs. We learn that 70 year old Maude Anderson and her 30 year old lover, Doc are behind the whole gold thing. There's a string of indictments against them, but so far no conviction. Looks like Lacey has a challenge ahead of her.

Soon, a chick in a Cadillac convertible attracts Lacey's attention - and she decides to chase her! Huh? The chick is beeping her horn at an old couple in a red Volvo, but she's cut off by the white van, and her car tumbles over a cliff and explodes! The pigs arrive and tell Lacey that the trunk of the car was laced with heroin and that she's responsible for killing the driver. Huh???

After a heated argument with the pigs, Lacey tries to make peace with them, but they are just not having it. Meanwhile, the two escaped convicts pop out of the trunk of another Caddy. We next meet Maude - who looks like a butch cross between Ruth Gordon and Grandma Walton. Maude is sitting in her backyard counting her money while her scantily clad girls frolic in the background. It's like a twisted HODGE PODGE LODGE. The two prisoners are introduced to Maude. When she learns that the Pam (the girl with the Afro) was a hooker, who escaped using a fake pistol - Maude asks "Since when do whores make guns and get involved in jailbreaks?" Hmmm....since when indeed.

Suddenly a crazy Asian girl shows up and begins the most insane racist tirade I've heard since Marge Schott. This is what she says: "I don't want any blacks around here. Blacks are lazy. They spill their guts when they get caught. They have sore feet and big asses. They shuffle and sing spirituals. They stink. I don't give a god damn shit for n******s!" Pam responds "Why honey, I've always said nice thinks about g***s." This was a scene I just needed to watch over and over again.

These two they have a HUGE fight - knocking each other all over the lawn furniture while the rest of the girls cheer them on. Pam beats the living daylights out of the Asian racist girl - and we are happy. Maude is pleased as well, responding "Okay black girl, you got yourself a job." Then we meet Maude's body-obsessed boyfriend, Doc - who is like the gross bastard child of Owen Wilson and Larry the Cable Guy. After the girls go to their barracks, Doc rambles on about the girls to Maude and how he thinks they are all c***s. This guy is quite a catch, Maudie. Later she yells at him, telling him to stop lifting weights cause he's starting to look like a "dod damn gorilla!" Doc responds by telling her he wants to fuck, but she has a headache AND a sore throat!!! Ewwwwwww...

Meanwhile Lacey wins the pigs over by bringing them food and dressing like a stewardess. Then Lacey and the Hunky Honkey guy Frank are assigned to an undercover mission on Catalina! Back at girl camp, the other escapee (Janette) gives Pam a makeover while another girl slips into the shower with Doc. He resists and she calls him a fag. I'm calling GLAAD tomorrow. We're off to Catalina where Frank and Lacey play tourists - riding bikes, sailing a catamaran, eating shrimp cocktail, riding horses, eating wieners, swimming, drinking cognac - all as romantic music plays in the background. Then they fuck and drink Asti Spumanti and have "pillow talk" where he tells her that she's "a lady with a mission"...and a trick pelvis! Later they are tanning and drinking Tabs when Frank notices a call girl that's he's arrested before on another boat! Huh? Then the hooker notices him!!! From another boat- without binoculars!!! Is this possible at all? So then we have a high-speed game of chicken, which ends with Frank jumping on the other boat. The girls soon gang up on him, hitting him with oars and chains. Hot.

Lacey comes to Frank's rescue with her karate-chopping ways. She kicks ALL their asses very handily, takes the 5 girls prisoner and calls for help on her compact! Then a Paul Lynde look-a-like calls Maude to give her some information about the cops closing in on her. Maude is annoyed that she has to leave her tennis match - but escapes in a VW and then a seaplane! They manage to lure Lacey to their lair, where Doc ties her up and beats her mercilessly. Maude declares "that's enough, for now."

The two escaped cons (Janette and Pam) then recognize Lacey - but think she's one of them! Maude offers her a job - and she accepts! The girls then have a party, and over dinner Janette realizes that Lacey's a cop...and SO IS PAM!!! That's why the title is POLICEWOMEN, not POLCEWOMAN!!! Then Pam and Janette have fight and Janette falls off a cliff. Did I mention Pam is wearing a "Black Pride" tee shirt?

So - turns out Pam is working for the Secret Service - tracking Maude's gold shipments. We find out that the gold is coming in via stock footage of submarines!!! Soon the girls are unloading the gold from the sub and dressing in army uniforms - but Doc discovers that Lacey has a tracking device...the lighter! Maude pulls a gun on them and tells them they are going shove them off a cliff. Lots of cliff in this film, no?

In the back of a convoy of Army trucks, Lacey kicks Doc's ass and Pam grabs the gun from Maude. Then Lacey gives a karate chop to the driver...and they jump from truck to truck, hijacking the convoy. Lacey next takes on the racist Asian chick - getting the final word on that one.

Later, Lacey tells the pigs where the rest of the gold is and Frank tells her that hey are going to be working together again soon. Set up for a sequel??? Then they fuck in a cop car. Meanwhile, Maude is hauled off to jail - and tells Doc that next time they'll try diamonds!

This one's a winner. 9 outta 10 big "Huhs?" Rent it, buy it, love it.