LIFEGUARD

More recycled Dougsploitation.

LIFEGUARD stands out in my mind for two reasons: it was another PG-rated, but sexy film that that premiered on the CBS Wednesday Night Movie (see COACH) and it was an iconic teen-age masturbatory fantasy for gay boys everywhere. What's surprising is that this movie came from Paramount Pictures (and now on DVD from the Warner Archive Collection) - not Crown International or American International or New Line or New World. This was a real Hollywood movie...with music by the legendary Paul Williams (PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE, and that very special episode of THE ODD COUPLE where Edna Unger and her dad Felix argue over Paul's sex appeal).

As the titles roll, we meet our hero, young Sam Elliot, who even at 35 (?) seemed kinda old - but yet sexy. He's putting up a flag, and "intern" lifeguard and Scientologist Parker (HARDY BOYS and BAYWATCH) STEVENSON is helping him. Then a bunch of half-naked teen boys who all look like Carrot Top come up to them and tell them how they plan on getting laid this summer. Right.

Sam then puts on his tight rainbow tank top because his lady friend - a blonde stewardess(!!!) who looks like Sarah (REAL PEOPLE) Purcell coming over for a booty call.

PS- she is carrying the same "stew bag" that Tara B. True used in SUPERCHICK! And she gets to shows her tits and ass...in a PG movie!!! Holy shit - the MPAA would never allow this today. After the fucking, pillow talk between them turns dramatic when she tells him that he's not as good in bed as he thinks he is. He would be better if he loved her. He's like..."whatever" Back at the beach, a teenage girl who looks like a mildly-retarded Kristy McNichol needs a band-aid for her finger. So Sam helps her out. Later, while a dwarf photographer is taking snapshots, Sam and Parker talk about sex. A lot. Which is hot. Then they talk about sex with underage girls. Which is creepy.

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Then there's a boring bar scene which reveals to us that Sam is a "player". A guy that knew Sam 10 years earlier sees him at the bar and the two begin to chat. The guy - who looks like both the ABBA guys rolled into one - tells Sam that he now is a Porsche salesman, and that Sam should consider getting in the car biz.

Stalker teen, I'll call her "Tarzana" shows up again and tells Sam that she has no friends cause girls are snotty and boys are creeps. Then she splashes water on him and he chases her. He gives her a towel and they talk about marriage. Huh? Then she tells him she wants to get better at sex, and she wants him to fuck her. He thinks she's only 14, but when she says she's 17, he figures what the hell...and it does it! "Tarzana" is actually a played by a 22 year old Kathleen Quinlan!

The next day, Sam goes to visit his parents. We wish that it was Sam playing all three characters like Eddie Murphy does. Maybe in the sequel?

Back at the beach, Sam rescues some drowning kids and has to deal with a Cary Grant lookalike who is "showing his privates". We wish Sam and Parker would show each other's privates! Parker can't deal with the old guy cause he looks too much like his dad. Okay, ewww. 

"Tarzana" the Statutory Stalker shows up at Sam's apartment (She followed home!!!). Gulp. He can't make love to her because tonight's his 15 Year High School reunion - making him almost 30!!!

At the reunion, another Scientologist, Anne Archer and WONDER WOMAN's friend Etta Candy (Beatrice Colon) are there! During "Moon River," Anne shows him her kid, but what she really wants to show him is her "kid-maker".

Then there's a triathlon competition and of course "Tarzana" is cheering him on. Sam spits up water for five minutes. He must be too old for this??? A teammate jokes about it and Sam goes nuts. Speaking of nuts, the announcer has big ones. Ewww...

Before you know it Sam's teaching Anne's kid how to swim and how properly wear Groucho glasses.

He shows Anne a pamphlet of women he hasn't fucked yet, and she's in it - but not for long. It's light reading. Then they get it on. There's slo-mo closeups of various body parts. No nipples or balls, just fleshy parts. Soon she's smoking in bed. Must have been good.

The next day Sam goes to see the car dealer guy. Later, "Tarzana" shows up again and asks Sam if they are ever gonna do it again. He tells her no. And then she asks "Is it cause I'm jailbait?" No, she's cause you're crazy. Then she starts crying cause...SHE'S FUCKING CRAZY!

Later, Anne makes lasagna because her Mexican housekeeper can't be trusted with pasta. Sam comes by to tell her that he got a job as a Porsche salesman. Then a song by Paul Williams, the poor man's Elton John, serenades us as Sam drives around LA and says "goodbye" to the beach.

Only he spots someone out swimming where she shouldn't be swimming...and of course it's "Tarzana"! LET HER DROWN!!! But no, he rescues her and gives her a sailor suit to wear. Did a trick leave it behind? He tells her she's crazy. FINALLY! She tells him she LOVES him. Then he puts her in her car and sends her home. Is it really a good idea to put someone who just tried to kill herself behind the wheel of her car?

He tells Anne about Syndy when he visits her at her job (an art gallery). Anne is very supportive, but then he goes and spoils it all by doing something stupid like yelling at a potential art buyer and probably getting Anne fired from her job - or at least embarrassing the crap out of her! By the way, she looks pissed.

It's the next day, Parker's last before he heads back to college (he's gonna make something of his life - not just be a dumb lifeguard). Then the ABBA/Porsche guy comes by to see if he's gonna take the salesman job, and Sam says "no!"...besides there's a pervert hiding in the ladies room and somebody's got kick him out! It's tough out there for a lifeguard. Wonder if "Tarzana" made it home alright...

"Huh?" - 7 outta 10 - mostly cause of all the smokin' hot 70s man flesh. Oh, the guy pictured above isn't in the movie. Buy it today!

MOLLY

I rewatched MOLLY over the weekend...and decided to repost my "review" from 2009 in appreciation.

I've been hearing about MOLLY (1999, directed by John Duigan) from my friends for a few years now, and with Sarah Palin in the news again, I decided maybe it was high time I sat down for a lighthearted romp about a mentally challenged woman. Why not?

The film starts off on a good note with the wonderful Holly Cole song "Onion Girl" - unfortunately things go down hill pretty fast from there.We soon are introduced to Molly McKay (Elisabeth Shue) a profoundly autistic woman of 28 (played by a 36 year old actress) who has the mind of a spoiled brat.Molly has been raised in a nursing facility after her parents were killed in a car accident and her only relative is her older brother.Buck (Aaron Eckhart) wasn't around Molly much since he was selfishly off at school and building a successful career in advertising. Now Buck finds out that the home is closing and he needs a new place for Molly to live.
Oh at this point we are told that Molly, like many autistic people has super hearing!!! Who knew???Through a series of circumstances Molly winds up living with Buck in his spacious Venice, California loft. Let the chaos ensue. Molly is quite skittish and screams in horror at the drop of a hat. Molly and Buck also don't seem to have much in common - he likes modern art and she like to pee in her pants. He likes pizza, she likes peas. Molly is also stubborn as a mule and generally answers every question asked with a resounding "NO!!!"

Also, she's obsessed with organizing her collection of shoes. Okay, so am I.

After Buck tries to drop Molly off at daycare–and is rejected–it becomes "bring your autistic sister to work day". First she presses all the buttons in the elevator with evil glee, pissing off Buck's coworkers.

Then she gets bored waiting for Buck in the reception area.

So after picking off the receptionist's dandruff,

Molly decides to strip down hollering "Molly hot!!!"

and proceeds to walk naked into a meeting with a swimwear client!

Now if Buck was an adman worth his salt, he would have pulled a Darren Stephens and figured out a way to tie Molly's nude romp into the new ad campaign. But sadly he doesn't.

As this isn't enough, as a finale, Molly decides to splash around in a fountain. Molly hot again?
Buck tries desperately to juggle his job with his new burden, but he soon ends up unemployed. This causes resentment to grown between the two siblings. Enter the hunkiest mentally challenged person ever, Sam (Thomas Jane) a former worker at the nursing home and friend to Molly - who is both her guardian angel and interpreter - because he too has a learning disability. Hot.

Sam encourages Buck to be patient with his sister. Molly's neurologist, Dr. Brookes (TV's Jill Hennessy) recommends a controversial new surgical technique that could possibly reverse Molly's mental condition. At first Buck rejects the suggestion, but then agrees to it.
Amazingly, after the procedure, Molly slowly begins to become more "normal". Buck creates a "learning checklist" for her and gradually she learns things for the first time, changing her speaking style and appearing more and more like the Elisabeth Shue we know from other hit films.
Before you know it, Molly gains full use of her cognitive reasoning, is able to have intelligent conversations and begins dancing spontaneously in restaurants.

Buck and Molly start attending baseball games, where she uses her super hearing to listen to the players and then gets into an argument with an obnoxious guy, calling him "retarded."

Molly seems to come alive as she spends more time with her brother. In fact, Molly is falling in love with Buck - and doesn't understand why brothers and sister can't be lovers. We're not sure he understands either.
Becoming more of a free spirit, Molly soon learns how to kiss from TV and decides to try it out on shy Sam. He freaks out a bit and turns to Dr. Brookes for comfort.

Molly misunderstands flies into a jealous rage over this. But things get better when Molly has a real fancy date with Sam. Even though she has transitioned to the mind of an adult, she retains her childlike innocence - like when she thinks that a stage production of Romeo and Juliet is real...and, without resistance from her posse, crawls through the audience and onto the stage during the performance,

slapping Juliet across the face and telling Romeo not to drink the poison!

Later at a fancy dinner, Molly freaks out over live lobsters, questioning why anyone would want to eat them. I'm totally with her on that. Then she decides to revisit her restaurant dance routine and Buck joins her.

Later the siblings look at old family photos and watch home movies. Before you know it, Molly begins working with autistic children and even becomes a lecturer!!! Talk about coming full circle!
Well the circle goes unbroken when things take a turn for the worse for our plucky heroine when, after she falls off a bicycle, we discover that Molly's brain is rejecting the treatment and begins to digress into her former self. Before you know it, she's back to old, autistic Molly. What do do? What do do?I'm not sure what really happened next, but Buck and Molly say goodbye, and then they are on a boat out sailing with Sam and Dr. Brookes. So, Molly goes back to being autistic, but somehow it's a happy ending.

Okay, with all apologies to readers and friends who have mentally challenged relatives, this movie is retarded. First of all, Molly is really annoying and embarrassing and then she's a genius and she's still annoying and embarrassing! No one ever calls her on any of her behavior. Buck just lets her push the elevator buttons, dance in restaurants, crawl through audiences, etc.. Never once does tell tell her "Molly, NO! Stop it - people don't do things like that." He just lets her do whatever she wants, therefore she does the craziest things because she knows she can - and it's a hoot.

I think this movie was supposed to tug at your heartstrings, but it just made me laugh. A lot. So much that I cannot wait to see it again and again. A feel-good movie so laughably awful, you actually end up feeling good. 10 out of 10. Well done, Ms. Shue you have unknowingly created the comic performance of a lifetime. I love the multilayered MOLLY...she's just like an "Onion Girl".

SUPERCHICK

As a Friday the 13th treat, here's a post I originally ran 4 years ago...when I had time to "review" movies...

From the title and poster one would assume that SUPERCHICK was either a WONDER WOMAN parody or a white FOXY BROWN knockoff. In reality, SUPERCHICK has a lot more in common with THE HAPPY HOOKER. A few minutes into the story, we quickly learn that the "joke" of this movie is that things aren't always as they first appear. For instance, at first we see a sexy brunette stewardess...but soon she disappears into a phone booth...and emerges as a sexy blonde in a Black Canary costume. 

Unfortunately the black fishnets do not cover her bruised legs. Ouch. Next we think we are seeing drinks being poured in an elegant restaurant, but the camera pulls back to reveal: it's a bathtub in a fancy suite owned by a brain surgeon who has Thomas Gainsboro "Blue Boy" hanging over his toilet. 

So here we learn that Superchick is sleeping with him in this yellow wallpaper and shag carpeting paradise. I think he asks her to marry him, but I'm not sure since my notes are kinda sloppy tonight. She tells the good doctor - "I feel like an Avon Lady in Sun City." Huh???

From there we see Tom Jones (really Tony Young from POLICEWOMEN as Johnny) in bed with a topless woman who looks like a big-titted Barbara Barrie in her BARNEY MILLER days (actually it's porn legend Candy Samples!). 

Soon Superchick aka Tara B. True arrives in Miami in her stewardess guise. Meanwhile, Johnny puts on a sexy stripe sweater and goes to meet with the Gay Mafia who dress in red and mustard.

They look like plastic condiment dispensers. Johnny gets pissed at them and as they drive away in their fancy car he yells "Fags!" Tara next turns up on Johnny's boat wearing only a fishing net with "floats" on her tits, vagina and ass. Then we think we see skidmarks on Johnny's tighty whities as he mounts her.

This is followed by an endless montage of them doing Miami type things like running on the beach, water skiing, playing tennis, dancing, gambling and drinking. When Johnny asks her to marry him she makes up some Shakespeare quote.

Then Johnny parks in "the white zone" at the airport - and Tara's back in her stewardess uniform (we learn she works for Crown International Airlines - a clever play on the company that distributed the film). 

On the plane, she offers a drink to a rude old man and then fucks a cute marine in the airplane restroom. She arrives at LAX and is greeted by another boyfriend - this one's a rock star who looks like he possibly has Down's Syndrome. Next she's kicking ass in karate class. Huh?

At this point one of my co-viewers declares "I've got no idea what is going on!!!" The rest of us are also confused, so we decide to recount everything that has happened so far...

1) A stewardess gets into a phonebooth and changes.

2) She's brunette, and then she's blonde.

3) She's eating dinner in a bathtub discussing fine art.

4) She flew to Miami.

5) She met the Tom Jones lookalike who was fucking a cow.

6) Tom loses money on dog races and hates fags.

7) He's either a drunk or just tired from the Miami montage

8) She flew to LA to meet the Down's Syndrome guy

9) Oh, she fucked a marine on the plane

10) Oh, she quotes Shakespeare, we think.

11) She met a Chinese guy played by a Hawaiian actor.

We conclude that there is a difference between "actual plot" and "things happening". I think we're all caught up now. But nothing explains this new guy who looks like Norm McDonald playing Burt Reynolds. Then somebody in the movie (I don't remember who) says "Holy shit!" to the camera. He ain't kidding!

At this point, I decide to Google our lead actress Joyce Jillson -pwho turns out to be Joyce Jillson - celebrity astrologer. Joyce was an author of a nationally syndicated astrology column which appeared in nearly 200 newspapers including the LA Times and the NY Daily News! She also was Ronald Reagan's official psychic!!! administration! She died in 2004. Wow...Who knew?

Back to the movie - and her big white stewardess bag. Soon a black guy pays special attention to her. Next we see a woman being whipped - but it's not what you think - it's the set of a porn movie! Tensions are high, especially when the porn actress calls her male lead a "fag". Tara then gets advice from the leading lady "to get into Show Business, you gotta SHOW your BUSINESS!"

Next Tara's at a wild hippy party which looks like it's at a disco - but the camera pulls back to reveal - it's somebody's house! Here she and the black dude, let's call him "Jimi Hendrix", finally hook up as he offers her a joint. (There's even a Hendrix poster on the wall behind them) So then they have a deep moment as she sips a Tab from a straw. 

Things get out of hand when the "heat freaks" (aka "cops") show up and bust everyone, but Tara changes back into her stewardess get-up and escapes. Then she gets "flashed". I think.

So, the rock star guy is playing the piano badly, then they fuck inside of it. NOT on top of it, but INSIDE of it, which must hurt. Downs guy wants to marry her too! EVERYBODY wants to marry Tara! Then she rants over Bolero type music and they fuck more.

Next we meet old John Carradine, who is dressed as a Russian Czar. 

There's fight that involves him and his stunt double, but we can't figure out what it's all about. Then the Gay mafia shows up again on a plane and there's a little boy who also possibly has Down's Syndrome just starring at the camera. What is going on here???

Okay, Tara gets off the plane and it's SO WINDY that her tits pop out of her uniform! Suddenly all three boyfriends are there and she tells them she can't marry them - because she loves them ALL! "Life is made up of people, not ONE person". Oh - so that's what this movie was about all along...now I get it. Wow...I love Superchick too.

But why is she called SUPERCHICK? She doesn't have any powers or fight crime...she just fucks a lot of guys. Super.

9 outta 10 - mostly for the AMAZING soundtrack and fabulous outfits.