LIFEGUARD

More recycled Dougsploitation.

LIFEGUARD stands out in my mind for two reasons: it was another PG-rated, but sexy film that that premiered on the CBS Wednesday Night Movie (see COACH) and it was an iconic teen-age masturbatory fantasy for gay boys everywhere. What's surprising is that this movie came from Paramount Pictures (and now on DVD from the Warner Archive Collection) - not Crown International or American International or New Line or New World. This was a real Hollywood movie...with music by the legendary Paul Williams (PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE, and that very special episode of THE ODD COUPLE where Edna Unger and her dad Felix argue over Paul's sex appeal).

As the titles roll, we meet our hero, young Sam Elliot, who even at 35 (?) seemed kinda old - but yet sexy. He's putting up a flag, and "intern" lifeguard and Scientologist Parker (HARDY BOYS and BAYWATCH) STEVENSON is helping him. Then a bunch of half-naked teen boys who all look like Carrot Top come up to them and tell them how they plan on getting laid this summer. Right.

Sam then puts on his tight rainbow tank top because his lady friend - a blonde stewardess(!!!) who looks like Sarah (REAL PEOPLE) Purcell coming over for a booty call.

PS- she is carrying the same "stew bag" that Tara B. True used in SUPERCHICK! And she gets to shows her tits and ass...in a PG movie!!! Holy shit - the MPAA would never allow this today. After the fucking, pillow talk between them turns dramatic when she tells him that he's not as good in bed as he thinks he is. He would be better if he loved her. He's like..."whatever" Back at the beach, a teenage girl who looks like a mildly-retarded Kristy McNichol needs a band-aid for her finger. So Sam helps her out. Later, while a dwarf photographer is taking snapshots, Sam and Parker talk about sex. A lot. Which is hot. Then they talk about sex with underage girls. Which is creepy.

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Then there's a boring bar scene which reveals to us that Sam is a "player". A guy that knew Sam 10 years earlier sees him at the bar and the two begin to chat. The guy - who looks like both the ABBA guys rolled into one - tells Sam that he now is a Porsche salesman, and that Sam should consider getting in the car biz.

Stalker teen, I'll call her "Tarzana" shows up again and tells Sam that she has no friends cause girls are snotty and boys are creeps. Then she splashes water on him and he chases her. He gives her a towel and they talk about marriage. Huh? Then she tells him she wants to get better at sex, and she wants him to fuck her. He thinks she's only 14, but when she says she's 17, he figures what the hell...and it does it! "Tarzana" is actually a played by a 22 year old Kathleen Quinlan!

The next day, Sam goes to visit his parents. We wish that it was Sam playing all three characters like Eddie Murphy does. Maybe in the sequel?

Back at the beach, Sam rescues some drowning kids and has to deal with a Cary Grant lookalike who is "showing his privates". We wish Sam and Parker would show each other's privates! Parker can't deal with the old guy cause he looks too much like his dad. Okay, ewww. 

"Tarzana" the Statutory Stalker shows up at Sam's apartment (She followed home!!!). Gulp. He can't make love to her because tonight's his 15 Year High School reunion - making him almost 30!!!

At the reunion, another Scientologist, Anne Archer and WONDER WOMAN's friend Etta Candy (Beatrice Colon) are there! During "Moon River," Anne shows him her kid, but what she really wants to show him is her "kid-maker".

Then there's a triathlon competition and of course "Tarzana" is cheering him on. Sam spits up water for five minutes. He must be too old for this??? A teammate jokes about it and Sam goes nuts. Speaking of nuts, the announcer has big ones. Ewww...

Before you know it Sam's teaching Anne's kid how to swim and how properly wear Groucho glasses.

He shows Anne a pamphlet of women he hasn't fucked yet, and she's in it - but not for long. It's light reading. Then they get it on. There's slo-mo closeups of various body parts. No nipples or balls, just fleshy parts. Soon she's smoking in bed. Must have been good.

The next day Sam goes to see the car dealer guy. Later, "Tarzana" shows up again and asks Sam if they are ever gonna do it again. He tells her no. And then she asks "Is it cause I'm jailbait?" No, she's cause you're crazy. Then she starts crying cause...SHE'S FUCKING CRAZY!

Later, Anne makes lasagna because her Mexican housekeeper can't be trusted with pasta. Sam comes by to tell her that he got a job as a Porsche salesman. Then a song by Paul Williams, the poor man's Elton John, serenades us as Sam drives around LA and says "goodbye" to the beach.

Only he spots someone out swimming where she shouldn't be swimming...and of course it's "Tarzana"! LET HER DROWN!!! But no, he rescues her and gives her a sailor suit to wear. Did a trick leave it behind? He tells her she's crazy. FINALLY! She tells him she LOVES him. Then he puts her in her car and sends her home. Is it really a good idea to put someone who just tried to kill herself behind the wheel of her car?

He tells Anne about Syndy when he visits her at her job (an art gallery). Anne is very supportive, but then he goes and spoils it all by doing something stupid like yelling at a potential art buyer and probably getting Anne fired from her job - or at least embarrassing the crap out of her! By the way, she looks pissed.

It's the next day, Parker's last before he heads back to college (he's gonna make something of his life - not just be a dumb lifeguard). Then the ABBA/Porsche guy comes by to see if he's gonna take the salesman job, and Sam says "no!"...besides there's a pervert hiding in the ladies room and somebody's got kick him out! It's tough out there for a lifeguard. Wonder if "Tarzana" made it home alright...

"Huh?" - 7 outta 10 - mostly cause of all the smokin' hot 70s man flesh. Oh, the guy pictured above isn't in the movie. Buy it today!

Karen Valentine's Day

Celebrate VALENTINE'S DAY with Karen and a post from 2009.

When I was a kid, Friday nights were one of my favorite nights of television. THE BRADY BUNCH, THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY, THE ODD COUPLE and LOVE, AMERICAN STYLE were all among my favorite shows. But somewhere in the middle of the night lurked the black hole known as ROOM 222.

The thing about ROOM 222 was that it was supposed to be a comedy (the first episode even had a laughtrack) - but it wasn't funny. In fact, it was depressing. Who wanted to watch a show about an inner-city high school on a Friday night???

I recently tried watching an episode to see if the show was any funnier or less depressing. Guess what? No, it wasn't.

The main focus of the show was the American history class held in Room 222 of Walt Whitman High School in Los Angeles, CA. The class was taught by Pete Dixon (Lloyd Haynes), a preachy and idealistic teacher. Pete's patient girlfriend Liz McIntyre (Denise Nicholas) was the guidance counselor. Principal Kaufman (Michael Constantine) and sweet student-teacher Alice Johnson (Karen Valentine) rounded out the cast.

Lovely Valentine later starred as Gidget in the TV film GIDGET GROWS UP, and in her own short-lived series KAREN (1975).

Karen also guest-starred on many series, including LOVE, AMERICAN STYLE and LOVE BOAT.

ROOM 222 aired on ABC from September 17, 1969 to January 11, 1974, for 112 episodes and won a bunch of Emmy Awards. The show featured appearances by many actors who went on to become stars, including Bernie Kopell, Cindy Williams, Teri Garr, Jamie Farr, Rob Reiner, Anthony Geary, Richard Dreyfuss, Kurt Russell, Mark Hamill and the late Bruno Kirby.

The melancholy theme song was by film composer Jerry Goldsmith. Here it is to depress us all...

MALIBU HIGH

Back in 2009, I had wanted to watch a breezy comedy for a cool summer night, so I decided to pop in MALIBU HIGH (1979, directed by Irv Berwick) - what could be more light and airy than a California & surf flick from the late 1970s? After all–just look at the poster!

Well, MALIBU HIGH was not what I had expected.

The film centers on 30 year old Malibu High school senior Kim Bentley, the crankiest, most mean-spirited, chain-smoking, free-loading and often topless best friend anyone could ever have.

Kim is nasty to her mother, cruel to her schoolmates, bitchy to her best friend/chauffer Lucy, obnoxious to her teachers and just downright loathsome. She refers her ex's new spoiled rich girlfriend Annette as "a piece of shit".

In true John Waters' fashion, every line of dialogue out of actress Jill Lansing's mouth seems to be yelled at another character. And this plucky heroine is who the viewer is supposed to identify with?

Oh, by the way, for some unknown reason, the electronic music from the 1970s version of the PBS logo is used to bridge scenes throughout the film. Honestly, was it free?

After a wild dance party at Jerry's Disco and Mexican Restaurant, Kim decides to take control of her life (and make her ex-boyfriend Kevin jealous) by becoming gainfully employed by Tony, the local pimp and weed dealer.

So Kim starts screwing all the Malibu locals in the back of a van for $$$ while pledging to improve her school grades. She accomplishes this by having sex with all her teachers in exchange for better marks. Why not? In possibly some of the un-sexiest sex scenes ever filmed, Kim goes to town - and it's all about bad tanlines, hairy moles, rashes and back hair.

In attempt to go "big time," she soon hooks up with a more experienced pimp, Lance. Only Lance doesn't want her to just fuck people, he wants her to kill them–starting with Tony. Will she do it? What do you think?Yeah, that's right, high school student by day - killer hooker by night! I told you this movie was no walk on the beach. It gets very dark, that you even forget that it's supposed to be set in sunny Malibu.

Just to remind you of the locale, it all ends with a giant chase scene on the beach that is accompanied by the long-version of THE PEOPLE'S COURT theme song. I guess it was public domain?

What a strange, awful little film. Not a comedy, but unintentionally funny because its so poorly executed. I wonder why it was marketed as a fluffy sex romp, when its clearly a violent psychological thriller. In any case, it's a worth a look just because it's so bizarre. I'll give it a 6.5 outta ten.

PRETTY POISON

Yet another re-post from my prolific blogger days.

PRETTY POISON (1968, directed by Noel Black) is a quirky little film based on Stephen Geller's 1966 noir-ish novel She Let Him Continue.

One part thriller, one part black comedy, Anthony Perkins stars as a mentally unstable ex-con who meets up with a seemingly innocent high school knockout (the wonderful and highly-watchable Tuesday Weld)—and soon the two are a lethal combination.Perkins plays the easygoing, but slightly psycho Dennis Pitt, who is on parole from a mental institution and working at a chemical factory in sleepy, working-class New England town. As sage advice, his parole officer (John Randolph) warns him that “the world has no place for fantasies.”. He soon becomes enamored with Weld's sexy, precocious drum-majorette Sue Ann Stepenek after seeing her perform with the local high school marching band.
Rather than reveal that he is a nerdy arsonist (who trots around town rather than drive) who killed his own aunt in a fire he started, Dennis tells kittenish Sue Ann that he is a CIA agent, and playfully concocts all sorts of tales of espionage. The two begin a torrid romance, and frequent the local makeout area. The age-inappropriate relationship is not looked upon kindly by Sue Ann's domineering mother (expertly played by the late, great Beverly Garland).SPOILERS begin here: A plot to explode an bridge and dump bright red (pretty) poison into the local water supply turns even uglier when Sue Ann decides to kill the sweet old night watchman by clobbering him with an enormous wrench and then rolling his body down to the lake and sitting on him until he drowns. Oh yeah, she steals his gun too! Dennis begins to feel guilty what has transpired, but Sue Ann is turns out to be quite the thrill killer and wants to continue the crime spree- culminating with Dennis marrying her and taking her to "the bay of Mexico" to live.
The only person standing in their way is her nagging and disapproving mother. So, with the help of the night watch man's gun, Sue Ann says goodbye to her. The twist is that Sue Ann has now become more diabolical than Dennis ever was.Dennis, realizing that Sue Ann is psycho turns himself in to the local authorities and takes full blame for their crimes. Sue Ann instantly and gleefully betrays him and he is sent to prison.The film ends with Sue Ann meeting another handsome young man and complaining to him that the people who she lives with won't let her stay out late, implying that she will use this new stranger to her best advantage. Pretty poison indeed.

A fun, if a bit slow-moving romp with an addictive performance by Weld. Perkins is his usual reliable, nutty self and Garland, like a said earlier, is a hoot. Some great color choices and unusual shots also add to the stylish look. I give this one a 9 outta 10. See it!

For a fun and stylish blog inspired by the quirky, legendary Hollywood bad girl Tuesday Weld - go here.

DEGRASSI Anonymous, Part 2: SCHOOL'S OUT!

From 2009: My disappointment over the shit heap known as DEGRASSI GOES HOLLYWOOD led me back to my DEGRASSI HIGH box set to watch the 1992 TV-movie called SCHOOL'S OUT! I missed this 90-minute special when it first aired because the geniuses at WNET in New York chose to air it only once– on Gay Pride Day 1992 – at a time when attending such events was important to me, being a young gay and all.So now, 17 years later (in 2009), with the bad taste of DEGRASSI GOES HOLLYWOOD still in my mouth, I decided to give SCHOOL'S OUT a shot.It all starts out in true Degrassi fashion as class valedictorian Lucy Fernandez (Anais Granofsky) delivers a farewell address to the graduating class. Among the students is Caitlin Ryan (Stacie Mistysyn), who has skipped ahead one year to graduate before her boyfriend Joey Jeremiah (Pat Mastroianni), who has been left back. At Lucy's graduation party we learn that Lucy and Caitlin will be college roommates. At the party, we actually see Degrassi students drinking beer and smoking weed - with no judgements. Even some of the good students are getting high. Miss Goody Two Shoes Tessa Campanelli (Kirsten Bourne) thinks that her friends are "so boring" when they are stoned. Meanwhile, Joey presents Caitlin with a friendship ring that he's saved all his pennies for. He implies that it could also serve as an engagement ring, but Caitlin is not ready for that kind of commitment. She also isn't ready to have sex with him!Joey is crushed and runs out of the party and into Tessa, and he agrees to give her a "ride home". Before he drops her off, he plants a kiss on Tessa's lips. They later make a date and Joey gets to second base with her. Luckily he works in the pharmacy and has easy access to Shields brand condoms! So virginal Joey may finally get laid this summer, with our without Caitlin. Later Joey's pals gawky Snake (Stefan Brogren) and lesbian-lookalike Wheels (the late Neil Hope) discuss all matter of sexual hi jinks as they work on Wheel's crappy car. Snake is still a virgin too, but hopes his summer gig as a lifeguard will change all that.

So Joey and Tessa have sex...lots of it...so much for Tessa being Miss Goody Two Shoes! Weed=boring, sex=not so boring! While her and Joey continue to do the nasty, Caitlin goes back and forth on whether she wants to still go away to University with Lucy or stay local and be engaged to Joey. Lucy tries to convince to her choose college, but it looks like Caitlin might be giving it a second thought.Then Caitlin decides that she will give Joey what he wants for his 19th birthday, prompting Lucy shows her how to put a rubber on a banana (which she calls "Joey"). Then Caitlin puts her hair up and a condom in her purse and before you know it - they've had sex too. After the momentous event, Caitlin cries and Joey gets out of bed...
I'm sure my readers would like to see that again...(Click to enlarge even more!)
Anyways, after the sobbing and the amazing butt shot, Joey climbs into his grampa's boxers.
Meanwhile, Tessa pays a visit to the local Women's Health Clinic. Guess what? She's totally preggers - so she orders up one abortion - to go!!! Later, the whole gang is getting together one last time by the lake...and tensions are growing between Wheels and Snake. Snake is all pissy cause Wheels spent his whole summer drinking beer and working on his shitty car. Their argument includes some un-Degrassi-like words such as "shit" and "asshole." They actually come to blows, and Lucy takes Wheels outside for some air.
Things go from bad to worse when Snake accuses Joey of "fucking" Tessa while dating Caitlin...just as Caitlin walks in! What happens next is the best Degrassi line ever...

"Tessa Campanelli? You were fucking Tessa Campanelli?" CLASSIC!

Things continue to spiral outta control when Snake has to put his lifeguard training to the test to rescue Allison Hunter (Sarah Holmes) from drowning just as Wheels puts his drunk driving to the test - killing a small child and putting Lucy in critical condition! Holly shit!
Wheels winds up in prison for vehicular manslaughter and Lucy ends up blind in one eye and walking with a cane (as witnessed in the premiere episode of DEGRASSI: THE NEXT GENERATION). The whole story winds up months later at the wedding of Alexa Pappadopoulos (Irene Courakos) to Simon Dexter (Michael Carry). Not attending are Wheels, Lucy and a few others. Snake shows up at the wedding with his new girlfriend, Pam.

At the reception, Snake's future-wife Spike (Amando Steptoe) mentions to Caitlin that her daughter Emma is now in pre-kindergarden (setting the stage for Emma to become one of the central characters in DEGRASSI: THE NEXT GENERATION in 2001). The film ends with Joey asking Caitlin to dance. Awww... What a totally enjoyable and satisfying conclusion to the series and the perfect bridge to the next series. I cannot recommend this highly enough to Degrassi fans everywhere. And if I need to remind you why, there's always this...

The End.