Mickey Rooney is THE MANIPULATOR

Here's a post from 2008 - in honor of the late Mr. Rooney. Ever wonder what it would be like if Sid & Marty Krofft produced Stephen King's MISERY? Well, 1971's THE MANIPULATOR (aka BJ LANG PRESENTS) is a pretty close approximation of what it might look like.It all starts innocently enough on a rainy night, when we see a dark figure in a hat and raincoat walking on a dark city street accompanied by standard 1970s TV-movie theme music followed by the opening titles "Mickey Rooney...Luana Anders...THE MANIPULATOR". A fancy old car then pulls up to a warehouse and Mickey exits sporting his YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS beard. He then gets into a freight elevator as flashes of random Fellini-like horrors begin. This is when we start to know this is no ABC Movie of the Week.

Mickey walks by what looks like a dusty animal carcass and climbs up a ladder into what looks like a Hollywood prop house. He then sits in an old leather chair, takes off his rose-tinted sunglasses and begins talking to himself as if he is various members of a film crew. Okay. He chats with a mannequin named "Wally" in a what could be a scene from ANDY HARDY HAS A COMPLETE MENTAL BREAKDOWN-decides to "put on a show!!!" Too bad Judy wasn't around to help out!

So Mickey begins to describe the upcoming scene to his imaginary "cast & crew". He calls "action!" and turns on a strobe light, imagining a pair of nude elderly actors dancing in the spotlight as he shouts the lyrics to "Chattanooga Choo Choo" at them. Then he showers the naked old folks with flowers. HUH??? The old people soon disappear, then Mickey pulls back a curtain and screams - and a real woman (Luana Anders) screams back at him. She's his "star", Carlotta - and she's hungry. In fact she asks him for food repeatedly. Turns out she's his prisoner and he has her tied to a wheelchair - and it's time for her lunch! Mickey then feeds her water from a silver chalice and baby food from a jar. Classy.

So then we learn that Carlotta has been cast as Roxanne (the Daryl Hannah role) in BJ Lang's film version of CYRANO DE BERGERAC. While Mickey is feeding her, she bites his finger and tells him that she's grateful for his kindness to her. Then he yells at some "crew members" and rolls in a huge spotlight followed by a (believe it or not) a fast-motion dance with a broomstick intercut with insert shots of a growling wild animal. Very Krofft-like. Meanwhile, Carlotta unties herself. Run like the wind, girl, run!!!

I guess she didn't run cause Mickey then shows up in drag make-up...and whispers to Charlotte about when he used to make up Marilyn's eyes. Then her gets all femme as he applies Carlotta's Roxanne make-up. This is a very disturbing scene. What would Judy say???

Mickey hears some cackling laughter in his head and is now sporting a really fake Witchie-Poo type Cyrano nose. I guess he's the director AND star of this production! Then he pushes Carlotta's wheelchair head-on into a mirror and demands that she recite her lines from the balcony scene. Then he yells at the thunder outside to be "quiet". Huh?After playing with some color gels, Mickey gives a pep talk to his imaginary background players (actually a collection of broken mannequins). Then he forces Carlotta to act out a scene - he calls "cut!!!" and breaks into another "Chattanooga Choo Choo" performance. Jesus - please make it stop!!! Then he tells her all about "fear" as he pretends to choke her. That's when I decide that ANDY HARDY MUST DIE!!!

So, Mickey calls "action!!!" again and they act out their big scene and unseen crowds roar with applause and "bravos!" Carlotta then tells him that the audience LOVES him. What follows next is the most bizarre scene in the film - We see a naked baby walking around a cocktail party where we also see the usual assortment of late 60s/early 70s "freaks" - you know - nudists, drag queens, Ruth Gordon-type old ladies, more nudists, pot-smokers, hippies, sex maniacs and others eating Saltine crackers with spinach dip and tripping out on acid. This all culminates with a giant orgy where Mickey is caressed by both women and men...and the naked baby is in the middle of it all!!! Really...I ask again...WHAT would Judy say???

While preparing for his big "duel" scene, Mickey suddenly collapses and Carlotta begs him NOT to die. Huh? She gets herself free and begins kicking the shit out of him. Why doesn't she just RUN??? Of course he manages to pin her down and kiss her! What a MANIPULATOR! Carlotta then begins running in very slow motion down a looooonnnnnggggg hallway while crazy electronic special effects music plays. Soon Mickey leaps out at her with his Cyrano sword. She decides to hide behind some sheer curtains. Smart girl, that Carlotta.

Then Mickey chases her through the mannequin display - and she attacks him with the spotlight. Carlotta then continues to run through the prop house through what looks like a combo wardrobe department and meat locker. She then crawls around the catwalk as Mickey hollers out orders to his "film crew"...and he once again breaks into song - yes, that's right - "Chattanooga Choo Choo" for the third fucking time!!! I beg of you....Please make it stop...please!!!! I will never listen to that song the same way again. Actually, I will never listen to that song again, PERIOD.

As Carlotta continues to navigate her way through the wardrobe, she suddenly stumbles upon "guest star" character actor Keenan Wynn - who Mickey stabs with his sword and kills. I guess it was just a cameo. Suddenly we're in a slaughterhouse, where a string quartet entertains both women in furs and butchers wearing bloody aprons as Carlotta dances for them all. I just can't say "huh?" anymore - I'm totally exhausted.

Mickey tells Carlotta he'll let her go if she tells him that she loves him. She doesn't - but he lets her go anyway. Okay, HUH? She then runs through the damn wardrobe again!!! She climbs down the ladder into the freight elevator...but she can't figure out how to open the door - so she just slams herself against the walls till it opens. Oh my god...I can't take much more of this.

Finally - Carlotta runs out into the rain - and locks herself in his car!!! She starts blowing the horn as Mickey pounds on the car windows - finally smashing the window with a trash can. He unlocks the door. Fade to: she's back inside with him. They kiss - and she laughs. This drives him CRAZY. I mean REALLY CRAZY. Then everyTHING around him begins to laugh. Mannequins, dead animals, boxes, jars of Vicks VapoRub, Chia Pets, etc. Then she starts yelling "No!!! No!!! No!!!" at him and he recites the final lines from CYRANO - and she actually looks at him... LOVINGLY!!!

Then he stabs himself with the sword and dies. She hears applause and takes a bow. The End. After the end credits we see Mickey's sped-up dance with the broom again. I almost expected Pufnstuf to show up and join in. The End for real.

Holy Shit! I really think Mickey thought he was gonna get an Oscar for this "brave" film role. I'm just surprised he ever worked again after it!!! This movie needs to be seen just to show how an actor's ego can lead to bad film choices. I do have to say that Luana Anders was truly compelling as Carlotta - and I look forward to seeing some of her other films. Sadly, she passed away in 1996.

The film really rates a 10 outta 10 - but only deserves 2 outta 10 because by the end you just feel so beat up, mentally drained and MANIPULATED from watching it. Wonder who that poor nude baby at the orgy grew up to be? Jimmy Osmond?

The Dysfunctional Doll Family

From 2011 - I decided to have a little fun with a beloved book from my childhood. Looking forward to all the hate mail. :)

The End.

3:30 or 4:30 - The Afternoon Movie Rocked!!!

From 2010...

Growing up in New York, we had the WABC 4:30 MOVIE, while folks in L.A. had KABC's 3:30 MOVIE. Same concept, different time, different coast. The 4:30 MOVIE was best known for it's amazing opening titles sequence and it's theme weeks: PLANET OF THE APES week, Super-Hero Week, Disaster Movie Week, Sci-Fi Week, etc. Sure, most were "edited for television" 90-minute condensed versions of two-hour films, but remember this was way before Blu-ray, before DVD, before VHS, before Laser Disc, before BetaMax, before Satellite, before pay-per-view... even before Cable TV. This was the only way to see movies...other then at the movies. They often mixed in TV-movies to make thing interesting. So here's a typical line-up..."Close Encounters of a Strange Kind" week - THE GARGOYLES starring Cornell Wilde, NIGHT SLAVES starring James Franciscus, THE OMEGA MAN starring Charlton Heston, THE STRANGE WITHIN starring Barbara Eden and the one, the only PSYCHO! A 109 minute film, chopped down to 72 minutes to fit a 90-minute time slot? Blasphemy! Wonder how much of the shower scene made it to broadcast.

THE KILLING KIND

Here's a mini-review from 2008 of a Curtis Harrington thriller, with a title that always brings to mind the great Shelby Lynne song from BRIDGET JONES' DIARY (see video below the review).THE KILLING KIND (1973, directed by Curtis Harrington) opens as 17-year old Terry Lambert (John Savage of HAIR) is forced to take part in a gang-rape on the beach - two years later he's released from prison and returns to the Hollywood boarding house for old ladies, run by his overly affectionate mother Thelma (Ann Sothern of THE MANITOU). The biddies think that Terry's been volunteering for the Peace Corps.Terry spends much of his time in his tighty-whities or in a floral-print Speedo, but you know Terry's not right when he kisses his mom on the lips and then strangles one of her cats while spying on new tenant Lori (Cindy Williams of LAVERNE & SHIRLEY). At the same time, Terry is being stalked by a mousy, nosy neighbor named Louise (Luana Anders of  THE MANIPULATOR) who lives with her crippled father. We soon learn that Looney Louise wants to act out her fucked-up rape fantasies with him. Terry then starts prank phone calling his rape victim Tina (Sue Bernard of FASTER PUSSYCAT, KILL KILL) - eventually driving her off the road to her death. Next he pays a visit to the woman lawyer who put him behind bars (Ruth Roman) and drowns her in her own booze. There's also particularly grisly scene involving a rat, a poolside freak-out involving his guitar and a two scenes involving Cindy Williams and drowning.What starts out fun and interesting becomes a bit boring about half-way thru. It doesn't feel like there's enough plot to sustain interest. The cast is a mixed bag. Savage is so likable, you almost forgive him for being a psycho - after all he was practically violated himself in the opening rape scene and then made to be the fall guy, as if it had been his idea. Ann Sothern is deliciously over-the-top as hot momma Thelma, and looks like she's having the time of her life. Ruth Roman is a hoot in her brief scene. Cindy Williams, on the other hand, seems uncomfortable and miscast as an aspiring model. Luana Anders is enjoyable, but her character and plotline is extraneous.

I'll give THE KILLING KIND a 7 outta 10. The dvd has a cool interview with the director, who passed away in 2007. Fans of this should check out Harrington's HOW AWFUL ABOUT ALLAN and the previously reviewed POOR PRETTY EDDIE.

PRETTY POISON

Yet another re-post from my prolific blogger days.

PRETTY POISON (1968, directed by Noel Black) is a quirky little film based on Stephen Geller's 1966 noir-ish novel She Let Him Continue.

One part thriller, one part black comedy, Anthony Perkins stars as a mentally unstable ex-con who meets up with a seemingly innocent high school knockout (the wonderful and highly-watchable Tuesday Weld)—and soon the two are a lethal combination.Perkins plays the easygoing, but slightly psycho Dennis Pitt, who is on parole from a mental institution and working at a chemical factory in sleepy, working-class New England town. As sage advice, his parole officer (John Randolph) warns him that “the world has no place for fantasies.”. He soon becomes enamored with Weld's sexy, precocious drum-majorette Sue Ann Stepenek after seeing her perform with the local high school marching band.
Rather than reveal that he is a nerdy arsonist (who trots around town rather than drive) who killed his own aunt in a fire he started, Dennis tells kittenish Sue Ann that he is a CIA agent, and playfully concocts all sorts of tales of espionage. The two begin a torrid romance, and frequent the local makeout area. The age-inappropriate relationship is not looked upon kindly by Sue Ann's domineering mother (expertly played by the late, great Beverly Garland).SPOILERS begin here: A plot to explode an bridge and dump bright red (pretty) poison into the local water supply turns even uglier when Sue Ann decides to kill the sweet old night watchman by clobbering him with an enormous wrench and then rolling his body down to the lake and sitting on him until he drowns. Oh yeah, she steals his gun too! Dennis begins to feel guilty what has transpired, but Sue Ann is turns out to be quite the thrill killer and wants to continue the crime spree- culminating with Dennis marrying her and taking her to "the bay of Mexico" to live.
The only person standing in their way is her nagging and disapproving mother. So, with the help of the night watch man's gun, Sue Ann says goodbye to her. The twist is that Sue Ann has now become more diabolical than Dennis ever was.Dennis, realizing that Sue Ann is psycho turns himself in to the local authorities and takes full blame for their crimes. Sue Ann instantly and gleefully betrays him and he is sent to prison.The film ends with Sue Ann meeting another handsome young man and complaining to him that the people who she lives with won't let her stay out late, implying that she will use this new stranger to her best advantage. Pretty poison indeed.

A fun, if a bit slow-moving romp with an addictive performance by Weld. Perkins is his usual reliable, nutty self and Garland, like a said earlier, is a hoot. Some great color choices and unusual shots also add to the stylish look. I give this one a 9 outta 10. See it!

For a fun and stylish blog inspired by the quirky, legendary Hollywood bad girl Tuesday Weld - go here.

Alone in the Dark

Another repost from 2009...

My friend Tony invited me over to watch ALONE IN THE DARK (1982, directed by Jack Sholder), an all-star slasher film with over-the-top performances by two future Oscar winners–Jack Palance and Martin Landau!

The story goes like this: the weird guy from the A-TEAM (not Mr. T, but Dwight Schulz) is Dr. Potter, who takes a job at an insane asylum that looks like Wayne Manor and moves his family into a new, big, pretty white house. 

His wife (Deborah Hedwall) kinda looks like the mom from E.T. and his daughter (Elizabeth Ward) looks like some kind of alien crossbred with Dick Cheney. 

His "punky" sister Toni (Lee Taylor-Allan) soon pays a visit with her horrible mismatched outfits, lazy fake hair coloring and her love for reggae. She even asks if they know any Rastafarians. What the fuck?"Yeah Toni, we just bought this big new white house in the middle of Whitesville and by the way, we have Rastafarians for neighbors."

Donald Pleasance is Potter's boss, who explains that the four most deranged inmates get their own wing of the hospital behind electric doors. The four include a weapons-crazed lunatic named Hawks (Palance), a preacher named Sutcliff (Landau) who likes to burn down occupied churches, ‘Fatty’ (Erland Van Lidth from THE WANDERERS), who rapes children, and “The Bleeder,” a guy who gets really bad nosebleeds, so he hides his face.

I called them "The Fanatic Four". There's also another doctor who looks like Barbra Streisand in her MAIN EVENT fright wig. At this point I wish Babs had recorded a theme song for the film.

Speaking of music, Toni takes the Potters to see a bad 80s new-wave/punk band called The Sic Fucks-who perform a few songs and make Potter crazy. They are about as punky as Punky Brewster.

So then suddenly there's a blackout all over town–hence the movie's title, and the lunatics kill the first black guy they see–a hospital worker who looks like the dude from POLICE ACADEMY who makes noises with his mouth. Panic ensues in the community and soon people are looting and starting fires.

They are stealing everything from folding tables to cardboard sets from the local childrens' theater. 

Oddly, they avoid looting the local Radio Shack. The Fanatic Four are able to gather weapons from a sporting goods store and they immediately head towards Dr. Potter’s house – believing that he killed his predecessor at the nuthouse. Sure, why not?

Meanwhile Potter's sister Toni convinces Mrs. Potter to attend a "No Nukes" rally with her. They both wind up in jail, where Toni picks up a hunky dude. The alien/Cheney daughter comes home from school to find "Fatty" waiting for her. Uh-oh.

The babysitter named Bunky (Carol Levy) soon comes over, puts Cheney to bed and invites her skinny boyfriend over to fuck her. The boyfriend gets pulled under the bed and Bunky gets to play Russian Roulette with a knife through the mattress. Fun!

After the Potters come home to find no baby sitter, they invite a black cop to join them for dinner and of course, he ends up dead. Big surprise.The family is held captive in their own house by the nutjob quartet, and the handsome guy that Toni picks up at the rally turns out to be...I'm not telling, but we saw it coming from a mile away.

There's a few small frights here and there, but overall a pretty tame thriller. Maybe if I was actually "alone in the dark" while watching it, it might have frightened me more. It's enjoyable mostly for the bad fashions and the scenery chewing that Jack and Martin seem to be doing. It's almost like they were in a competition to top one another. I'd give it a 6.5 outta 10.

Scary TV: The Horror Show

Damn - I wish I had this on VHS tape. Anthony Perkins (who I once had the pleasure of meeting) hosts at look at 60 magical years of movie monsters, madmen and creatures of the night. Imagine of the networks still had the moxie to program stuff like this?

ALICE SWEET ALICE

Here's a Friday flashback to a post from 2007. Recycling is good for the blogosphere!
ALICE SWEET ALICE (1976), directed by Alfred Sole was originally released as COMMUNION but returned to theaters two years later to cash on the fame of child-actor Brooke Shields. The film is set in 1961 for some reason and has many references to JFK, Jackie and even to PSYCHO. It's also known as HOLY TERROR - but I'd like to rename it PROBLEM CHILD: THE BEGINNING.

The film opens with some real groovy titles - then we visit a rectory where a hunky priest named Father Tom (Rudolph Willrich) lives. Single mom Catherine Spages (played by Jackie Gleason's daughter Linda Miller) and her two daughters Alice (19 year-old LIQUID SKY actress Paula Sheppard playing a prepubescent teen!!!) and Karen (a very young Brooke Shields) are paying a visit.

Angelic Karen will soon make her first holy communion, and the sexy priest gives his late mother's crucifix to her as a gift. I sense some sexual tension between Catherine and Tom. Karen's bratty sister Alice is jealous, and wanders about the rectory - scaring the wacky Italian housekeeper Mrs. Tredoni (Olympia Dukakis lookalike Mildred Clinton) with a really creepy Halloween mask.
Later Alice (who sort of resembles the Downs Syndrome girl "Jill" from the infamous menstruation education film ALL WOMEN GET PERIODS) is seen terrorizing Karen by abusing her toys and locking her in a room. Mom Catherine doesn't seem to react to her daughter's morbid hobbies, possibly because she's distressed about her failed marriage. Things soon go from bad to worse when Karen is strangled at her first communion - by a stranger in a yellow rain slicker and Halloween mask! And I thought vomiting at MY first communion was bad! (This is true - I threw up and they thought I was possessed!)

After Karen is killed, her body is stuffed into some sort of bench, her crucifix is stolen and then her corpse is set on fire with a church candle. Jeez! Where was the Catholic League when this was released???

When Mother Superior sees smoke, she opens the bench and screams - attracting the attention churchgoers including Catherine and her meddling sister Annie (the very effective Jane Lowry). A funeral follows and Catherine's handsome
ex-husband Dom shows up to help. Annie decides to stay with Catherine to help her through this difficult time and to attempt to discipline Alice, who has only gotten more bratty since Karen's murder. Alice then recruits her chubby cousin Angela to taunt the reclusive and extremely overweight landlord Mr. Alfonso (possibly the most disgusting character since Divine played his own rapist in FEMALE TROUBLE). Suffice to say, people who piss themselves should NOT wear white!

Dom begins to work with the cops to solve his daughter's murder, and tries to call Father Tom, but Mrs. Tredoni interferes, with the intention of protecting the priest from getting too involved. Tom later tells Dom that the police suspect Alice is the killer. Back at the Spages' home Alice drops a bottle of milk and Aunt Annie has a shit fit and tells her it's time to go back to school. Alice then puts on her yellow slicker and pays Mr. Alfonso and his cats a visit. After she wrinkles the rent check, Mr. A. tries to feel her up - she responds by picking up one of his cute kitties and throws it across the room, killing it. What a little bitch!I sure hope the Humane Society was there for that scene!

We see that Alice has built an altar in the basement - where she has candles, her mask, her raincoat, a two-face doll, ballet sleepers and other assorted creepy items. This girl needs therapy in a big way.

Aunt Annie heads out during a storm, but as she walks down the stairs she is suddenly attacked by a masked figure who stabs her repeatedly in her legs and feet. She fights back as best as she can, yelling out Alice's name and attracting Mr. A as a witness. Catherine finds her sister lying in a pool of blood on the sidewalk just as Dom and Rev. Tom drive up. Good timing, guys!

Later at the hospital, Annie tells her milquetoast husband Jim that Alice tried to kill her. Soon Alice is taken in for a lie detector test. She kinda fails when she tells the cops that she saw KAREN attack her aunt. Huh? Karen's dead...I think. Another disturbing scene follows when two cops discuss Alice's breasts. What the fuck - she's supposed to be like 11 or 12. We later learn that Alice has has her first period. This IS just like the Jill video - except Jill doesn't kill anyone from what I remember.

Catherine and Dom are convinced that Alice is innocent - Catherine thinks Annie just wants to pin it all on Alice because she has always hated the born out-of-wedlock child - and Dom thinks Angela (Annie's daughter) is the slasher. Sparks begin to reignite for the divorced couple, until a phone call from his new wife serves as a cold shower for Dom. Dom then receives a suspicious call from Angela. But the voice on the phone is an adult's - and Dom doesn't notice. Huh? "Angela" tells Dom that she has Karen's crucifix and wants to meet him in an abandoned building. Okay... After believing for an hour that Alice was the slasher, I began to wonder just WHO the masked killer was. Could it be Catherine? Could it be Annie's husband Jim? Could it be Alice? Angela? The sexy priest? One of the cats? I'm stumped!

Dom arrives at the warehouse and is attacked by the slasher (wearing the Halloween mask and the yellow raincoat.) He is soon stabbed in the shoulder and then hit in the face with a brick. Dom is then tied up and pushed out of window. This is so not a good week for the Spages family!

Finally the slasher takes off the mask and is revealed to be...XXXXXXX!!!! HUH??? Wow - I did NOT see that coming! XXXXXXX declares that Dom and Catherine are sinners. During Dom's autopsy, they find Karen's crucifix lodged in his throat, apparently he tried swallowing it to keep it away from the killer. Thanks, we were wondering where that went.

It's soon time for Sunday mass. Alice first stops by Mr. Alfonso's apartment to put cockroaches on his stomach as he sleeps.
Nice. Meanwhile, XXXXXXX packs a knife in a shopping bag and stops by the Spages' apartment. Mr. A wakes up and spots XXXXXXX - and thinking it's Alice, he grabs the killer, who then pulls out her knife and stabs him!!! Well, that's one character I can live without.

Later at church, just as XXXXXXX is about to receive Holy Communion, the slasher pulls out the knife and stabs Father Tom in the neck. The priest falls on the altar and into XXXXXXX's arms. Chaos ensues. In the final shot, we see Alice as she walks away from the altar carrying the shopping bag. Then she pulls the bloodied knife out of it and stares blankly into the camera!!! SUPER CREEPY!!!!

What else can I say about ALICE SWEET ALICE? This movie is fan-fucking-tastic! 10 outta 10. Scary, funny, crazy, sacrilegious - this one's a keeper with or without little Brooke. Thanks to my buddy Mike for helping me recall some of the details on this one.

ABBY or THE BLACK EXORCIST

NOT in honor of Black History Month, here's a vintage post from three years ago. Sorry for the lack of images, but I hope my brilliant words more than make up for it. :)
When I heard that there was a movie that was known as THE BLACK EXORCIST - I knew that I had to seek it out. What I found was ABBY (1974, directed by William Girdler), a crazy blaxploitation thriller about a preacher's wife possessed by an evil African sex spirit. Supposedly Warner Bros. had sued to keep ABBY out of circulation due to it's similarities to THE EXORCIST. Obviously, nobody at Warners actually bothered to watch it.

The story starts as out a group of students bid farewell to their favorite teacher, a Reverend (played by BLACULA star William Marshall) who is leaving on a research trip to Nigeria. One student mentions his "thesis" about four or five times, somehow managing to rhyme it with "feces". Soon we all learn about "Eshu" - some kind of god or demon or something that is very powerful - it creates whirlwinds and chaos. Then one of the students gives Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. (what I'll call him) a ridiculously large silver crucifix. Thanks, um, I think. Then we are treated to the "Love Theme from Abby" over the hardest-to-read-opening-titles ever.

Now we're in Africa, where Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. finds a wooden lunchbox, which when opened releases the recently mentioned Eshu. Imagine that! Eshu - by the way - looks like a bad INCREDIBLE HULK mask made out of green Play-Doh.

Back home, the professor's son Rev. Blacula Jr. (Terry Carter) and his pretty wife Abby (Carol Speed) move into a new house. Abby's mother (played by Hollywood legend Juanita Moore of IMITATION OF LIFE fame) is there help, by carrying a big box that says "Eggs" and by ordering a bucket from KFC. (I swear to Eshu - I'm not making this up!)

So, after settling in a bit in the new home, Abby decides to shower - unaware that the evil spirit Eshu has travelled cross the sea to pay her a visit. So we are treated to Abby's showering shadow being attacked by what looks like the shadow of Bigfoot. Soon Abby's helping the church ladies prepare a chicken meal, when she suddenly gets the urge to stab herself. I think she just thought her arm was a chicken breast. Innocent mistake. After the doctor bandages her up, Abby freaks out about not wanting scars on her arm. Well, you should have thought about that BEFORE you stabbed yourself, Abby.

Later Abby is leading the choir at her husband's church, but flips out during his sermon, first just coughing uncontrollably, then attacking a churchgoer and finally foaming at the mouth!!! This scene is pretty amazing because it takes so long for anyone to even attempt to help her, even when she was just coughing - no one even offers her water or a cough drop! Rev. Blacula Jr. calls his father overseas and mentions that Abby's acting strange. Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. seems too preoccupied with his "work" and tells his son that Abby just needs rest. Later, he tries to get on with his wife, but Abby tells him, "I'm not your 'ho!" and then kicks him in the balls.

Next up, when another couple visits, Abby declares that she's gonna "fuck the shit out of" the husband. Clearly, something is up with Abby. It was here that I noticed that Abby's possession turns her into an odd combination of Carol Burnett's Eunice and RuPaul. Then the church organist pays a visit to a bedridden Abby and ends up dying of fright!

Rev. Blacula Jr. calls his father again, and dad begrudgingly agrees to come home to help. Then Abby is given a medical exam, but everything turns out normal. Abby tells her husband, "I wanna thank you for callin' that mother fuckin' father of yours. Give him my worst regards." In the best scene in the film, possessed by Eshu, Abby declares "I'm goin' home, bitch!" and escapes from the hospital, plowing through assorted nurses, patients and doctors.

Abby turns up at her home, with a big "welcome home" for the senior Reverend - she tries to give him a lapdance.
Abby then gets behind the wheel and drives to a disco and picks up a nerdy looking dude from her church. Her husband "borrows" some woman's car and chases after her. Abby and the church dude start going at it in his car (can't tell if it's a limo or a hearse) , but then the car starts to shake and fill with smoke. We never find out what actually happened, before we can question it, Abby then returns to the club, where she sets her sights on creepy Doc Severinsen lookalike. They soon disappear into a room upstairs. You have to wonder where Abby gets her bad taste in men from.

Meanwhile, Abby's detective brother joins Rev. Blacula Jr. in a search for our missing heroine. They eventually find her disco-dancing with TWO men! Then Abby decides to start tossing patrons around the room. Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. finally shows up with his big ass crucifix. Abby then grows a unibrow, levitates and Eshu releases his wrath on the entire disco! Yay! I'm not gonna tell you how it ends - but suffice to say we see that old wooden lunchbox from Nigeria again!

Well, ABBY was certainly a treat. Carol Speed was fun to watch and you can't help but love Juanita Moore as her mama. My theory is that Juanita had memorized all her lines from IMITATION OF LIFE and just recited them again here. I really was hoping to LOVE this movie - but the best I can muster is 8 out of 10. I'm really hoping some day for a big budget remake starring Wanda Sykes and Billy Dee Williams.

PRIME EVIL

A Catholic Classic for Ash Wednesday. A group of friends gathered one night to watch one of the last films by Roberta Findlay, a notorious filmmaker whose body of work includes porno and the infamous 1970s SNUFF.

PRIME EVIL from 1988 sounded great - It's supposed to be a frightfest about a group of evil Catholic monks in New York City who sacrifice humans to Lord Satan. A spunky undercover nun infiltrates the cult in an attempt to put an end to their Satanic shenanigans. How could we go wrong?

So we meet a priest named Father Thomas Seaton, a member of the demonic sect that formed in the 13th Century. We learn that members of this fraternity can earn immortality if they sacrifice a blood relation every 13 years. There's a fun & surprising decapitation scene, which seemed promising. But things go downhill fast from there.

It's December in NYC and we soon meet a guy named George and his intended victim- his "pure" granddaughter Alexandra, but her boyfriend Bill is suspicious. Alexandra thinks Bill is just jealous. We learn that she had been abused by her father and a group of child pornographers. We think he's jealous of them too.

After the sudden death of her mother, Alexandra moves in with her granddaddy and falls under the priest's seductive spell, never suspecting that she's being prepared for a Xmas sacrifice to Satan. However, the Catholic church is aware of the sinister cult plan and a young nun named Sister Angela has been recruited to expose their blasphemist ways for once and for all! This should be good...but it isn't. It's just boring.

There are a few "comic relief" scenes set at a gym and a womens' locker room. Not sure who these women are and why they are even included. There's also a SNL "Church Lady" reference. And then there's a subplot involving a George Costanza-lookalike psycho who is a the Satanic henchmen named Ben. He's about as “menacing” as, well - George Costanza. Sometimes he's killing some people, and other times he's giving them injections and abducting them. Huh?

When Satan finally appears he's played by muppet Gonzo drenched in catsup. The special effects get better towards the end when some Satatic people rapidly age and begin to melt. But aside from that, there's really no suspense, shocks or thrills, just lots of soap opera acting, a few boobs and some nice shots of New York City during Christmas season. A measly 2 out of 10 on my scale.