Vacation's All I Ever Wanted...

Hey readers, I actually took a week-long vacation where I had no access to the internet, Facebook or my cell phone. It actually felt great to have nothing to tie me down - just like the old days when we actually lived life without having to document it as it happens.

That being said, I'm back and I hope to fill these pages with more silly nonsense about the things I just can't get enough of. Thanks for hanging in there...and happy March!

Jane Russell 1921-2011

Kenneth Mars 1936-2011

Having just watched (for Valentine's Day) SOMEONE I TOUCHED, an intentionally hysterical 1975 TV-movie starring Cloris Leachman and Mr. Mars in a drama about venereal disease, it seems extra sad to report his death today.

THE MANITOU

Here's a treat that I originally posted back in spring 2008.

THE MANITOU (1978), based on the novel by Graham Masterton, is your basic 1970s medical drama with horror elements, sort of like MARCUS WELBY, M.D. meets THE NIGHT GALLERY. It 's also cinematic tour of the entire San Francisco Bay Area! It concerns a pretty, single cable car-riding city gal named Karen (played by Susan Strasberg, daughter of acting guru Lee) who discovers a strange unexplainable growth on her upper back. After 3 days, her doctors decide it's a quickly growing tumor and decide to operate.

Luckily Karen had a muumuu-wearing phoney fortune teller friend named Harry (played by Tony Curtis who was clearly channelling Paul Lynde because he's playing the gayest banger-of-Susan-Strasberg ever), who after several attempts at giving her a "good" tarot card-reading decides that this growth may be worrisome. Later, an elderly client of Harry's becomes possessed and begins to mumble in strange languages after he deals her the "death" card - and then the old woman levitates and floats down the hallway, killing herself by falling down a flight of stairs, taking the entire wooden railing with her, section by section. This is the best scene in the film.















Meanwhile, at the Sisters of Jerusalem Hospital, Dr. Hughes attempts to remove her growth - but the surgery is called short when something forces him to cut his own hand with a scalpel. When Harry goes to visit Dr. Hughes in his futuristic office (he has a NASA-sized computer...and a red "bat-phone"!), he discovers that her growth might actually be a fetus(!) growing on the back of her neck. How did it get there? I guess maybe all that oral sex she's been having could be to blame?

Harry then decides to seek help from another psychic, so he travels down to Fisherman's Wharf to meet Amelia Crusoe (played by the usually slutty Stella Stevens - apparently in some sort of Gypsy makeup, and bordering on blackface) and her fat, bearded husband. They invite a fat, VERY fat Ann Sothern over for a séance and things only get weirder, as chandeliers start to twirl and a creepy rubber head rises out of a the center of table - and it all ends with a bolt of lightning!

Back at the hospital, Karen`s tumor continues to grow at an alarming rate, causing Harry and company to trek even further North, over the Golden Gate bridge to Sausalito - where cantankerous Dr. Snow (Burgess Meredith, aka The Penguin) resides. Snow takes the crew into his dusty attic to show them his spiderweb collection. Here The Penguin tells Harry that he thinks Karen's problem is that she has a 400 year old Native American medicine man growing on her back - and he wants revenge!!! Better get Commishoner Gordon on that bat-phone, Dr. Hughes.

Next, Harry travels all the way to South Dakota - wearing what looks like bare-ass jeans - to find John Singing Rock (played by Barbara Eden's ex-husband Michael Ansara), one of the last remaining indian medicine men, who as it turns out, has the power to send the Indian Spirit back to where he came. But will the tumor man take over Karen completely before Rock can send him back to demon land?

So Harry and Rock head back to the Bay Area where Rock sizes up the situation. He unwraps his bag of tricks and decides to induce birth. Before you know it, Karen goes into labor, soon giving back birth to a naked brown-skinned dwarf with an Alanis Morrissette face and a buff gym body (played Felix Silla from BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY) named Misquamacas or Miss Kwamacas.

The demon dwarf manages to kill an intern and break the mystic protective circle around the bed that Rock has made, and scares everybody by turning into a ridiculous-looking double exposed lizard. Then he goes all Mister Freeze and manages to create a wicked Winter Wonderland inside the hospital - even freezing the recptionist/nurse solid. So solid, that her pretty little head just snaps off. Miss Kwamacas then brings the dead orderly back to life to use as a weapon - to battle his lookalike!

In a big finale that has to be seen to be believed -Karen's hospital room then is transported into space! Karen sits up in bed wearing a giant Dottie West wig, topless (you can practically hear her dad Lee turning over in his grave!) and blasting lightning bolts and shooting electricity from her fingertips. For like 8 minutes. While Harry and the Rock duck and cover from the blasts. Over and over again. For the aforementioned 8 minutes.

Somehow the combination of Dr. Hughes and the Rock decide that Miss Kwamacas can only be defeated by turning on every computer in the hospital at the same time - causing a power surge and freeing Karen from his grasp. And it works! But not before Dr. Hughes explodes. Yes, he explodes. Much like your brain if you try to figure out this plot - which it turns out is based, not only on a novel, but also on a true story. Huh???









































From the same director of ABBY, William Girdler, who tragically died after completing this film. Imagine the great films he would have made!!! THE MANITOU gets a 7 outta 10 on the "Huh?" scale.

Betty Garrett 1919-2011

The Number One Fact of Life...

Anonymous has left a new comment

I just love getting reader feedback on my blog posts. I really love when the feedback is for something I posted over a year ago - which tells me that people actually look at older posts! Who knew?

We'll, today I got an interesting little message from somebody named "Anonymous" that I'd like to share with my readers. This comment is in response to a post I made on September 29, 2009 on the controversial topic of celebrity record albums called "When TV Stars Sing".

Here is the lovely message from Anonymous:

"You ruin your blog with hateful comments, but what else is new? Yet another leftie spewing stereotypical rhetoric, ie, all Republicans are nut jobs. The second such comment I've read from you, so I'll just leave your blog.

For the record, I am an independent, so I think you are all "nut jobs" in a moronic civil war. But you have to interject your immaturity into a blog that should be free of politics and religion. Wouldn't it bother you if a cool blog about classic stuff randomly called homosexuals (or blacks) hateful names? Or do you think that's fine, that everybody should be disrespectful?

You partisan political boneheads have ruined civility on this planet. I'll bet you probably think you are a peaceful, good person. But you have the same hate in your heart as terrorists. Aren't you proud?"

Normally when I get messages like this (about one a year), I ignore it. But today, after learning about the death of the legendary goddess Tura Satana - I feel I have to respond somehow. Kinda like the angry drag queens who started the Stonewall Riots on the night Judy Garland died, but with a lot less makeup, feathers and glitter.

Okay, let's dissect Anonymous' claims:

"You ruin your blog with hateful comments, but what else is new? "

Well, there's lots new. New York.  New Kids on the Block. New Zoo Revue. I for one, do not think my blog is "ruined" - it's my damn blog and it's my damn opinions. My so-called hateful comments are in response to other people's bigotry and intolerance. In the case of Buddy Ebsen - he was a not a nice person. His negative campaign against co-star Nancy Kulp has been well documented, and it cost her an election.

"Yet another leftie spewing stereotypical rhetoric, ie, all Republicans are nut jobs."

I don't recall ever saying all Republicans are nutjobs. Not ALL Republicans are nutjobs - but a lot are. So are some Democrats. And liberals. And independents. And people without a sense of humor.

"The second such comment I've read from you, so I'll just leave your blog."

Well, thanks for visiting.

"For the record, I am an independent, so I think you are all "nut jobs" in a moronic civil war."

Glad you cleared that up.

"But you have to interject your immaturity into a blog that should be free of politics and religion. "

Religion & politics are a part of pop culture, always have been, honey. My immaturity is part of my charm. :)

"Wouldn't it bother you if a cool blog about classic stuff randomly called homosexuals (or blacks) hateful names?" 

I'm sure a blog like that exists. It wouldn't bother me because I wouldn't visit it, just like I don't get my news from FOX. The difference here is political affiliation is a conscious CHOICE that someone makes based on their views. Sexual orientation and race are not. Besides "nutjob" isn't hateful - it's fucking funny!

"Or do you think that's fine, that everybody should be disrespectful?"

There is difference between "free speech" and "hate speech". If I said that people should go out and kill Buddy Ebsen's family and deface his grave with feces - that would be disrespectful.

"You partisan political boneheads have ruined civility on this planet."

Civility is still alive. Is calling someone a "bonehead" civil?

"I'll bet you probably think you are a peaceful, good person."

I know I am, bitch.

"But you have the same hate in your heart as terrorists."

Yes, because calling Buddy Ebsen a nutjob is the same as crashing a plane into the Twin Towers.

"Aren't you proud?" 

Oh I'm very proud. Proud that I have 8000 visitors per week who enjoy my blog for what it is - a reflection of the things I like and want to share with like-minded people, not Anonymous visitors who get all bent out of shape because I call Buddy Ebsen a nutjob.

Tura Satana 1938-2011

The Abductors

Here's a "review" I first ran back in 2008. Warning: This movie review contains shocking female nudity! Imagine watching THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK - and after it's over you realize there's another film called STAR WARS that you didn't even  know about. Well, my friends, this has sadly happened to me. THE ABDUCTORS (1972, directed by Don Schain) is the sequel to GINGER (1971) and the prequel to GIRLS ARE FOR LOVING (1973)! If I only knew this going in, I would have preferred to watch the trilogy in order-but since I didn't, I'll ignore the first one (for now) and tell you all about Episode 2 in the adventures of Ginger Cartwright, secret agent. One part James Bond, two parts Russ Meyer, THE ABDUCTORS is soft-core porn at its best. While there is plenty of nudity (full frontal for every female character and a few of the unnattractive males) and plenty of simulated sex acts - there is actually a semi-coherent plot going on in this movie. Like Jackie Collins, I will italicize all the naughty parts. So here's the story: three cheerleaders are abducted and sold into white slavery. The End. Alright, there's a little more to it than that. First we see a naked beauty-pageant contestant getting tied up and put in a cage - and we know immediately what kind of a movie we are in for. Next, the aforementioned cheerleaders are ambushed by a trio of thugs and forced to strip to their panties while one of the thugs sets their convertible on fire. We notice how odd it is to see topless women with natural, un-altered breasts. A local investigator calls on the ever-braless Ginger to help crack the case of the missing girls. He gives her a stylish briefcase filled with all sorts of gadgets including tracking devices that can be swallowed! After deducing that all the kidnapped women were also featured in the local newspaper, Ginger (Cheri Caffaro, the best actress in the film - which isn't saying much) teams up with a stylish advertising exec (Richard Smedley) who agrees to help her in her investigation. Ginger introduces him to a sexy up-and-coming model named Carter Winston (Jennifer Brooks), who is really going undercover as a potential abductee.

Well, before you know it, Carter is kidnapped and the ad man is screwing Ginger on shang carpeting. After the loving, Ginger is taken hostage herself, while the three cheerleaders are sold to lonely businessmen, and they seem to enjoy it. But it's not over yet - there's a big, daring rescue scene and an "eye for an eye" revenge scene involving Ginger, the ringleader, bar of soap and a hot shower.

Despite some semi-disturbing bondage moments, the film is pretty watchable. With plenty of laugh-out-loud bad dialogue and wooden acting, THE ABDUCTORS does impress with several overlong helicopter and plane sequences as well as a groovy soundtrack (which seems to stop suddenly half-way through the film). Ginger's skimpy outfits and outrageous hairdos are fun, you can totally tell where the producers put most of their money. So if you want to see some silly, poorly-lit and unsexy T & A - THE ABDUCTORS is for you.