PRIVATE PARTS

More goodies from the past...circa 2009...
I've heard and read about PRIVATE PARTS (1972, directed by Paul Bartel) for years. I knew the late Mr. Bartel from his modest art house hits EATING RAOUL and SCENES FROM THE CLASS STRUGGLE IN BEVERLY HILLS as well as his camp classics DEATH RACE 2000 and LUST IN THE DUST, but somehow PRIVATE PARTS managed to escape me.When my friend Jeff brought over the dvd a few weeks ago and showed me the trailer, I knew that we'd soon have to get together to watch it - and I'm so glad we did. This is MY kinda Friday night flick.
The story goes like this: runaway teen Cheryl (cute and perky Ayn Ruymen) and her best friend Judy (munchkin-faced Ann Gibbs) are living in dumpy L.A. apartment. When Judy catches Cheryl watching her and her latest suitor Mike having filthy, dirty sex, Cheryl takes off (with Judy’s wallet) and winds up downtown at the rundown King Edward Hotel - where her eccentric Aunt Martha (the terrific Lucille Benson, later on BOSOM BUDDIES) lives and manages the building. Uncle Orville and her daughter have gone to live with Jesus, so Cheryl is her only family.

Martha agrees to let Cheryl to stay at the hotel temporarily, and we soon meet the madcap residents of the dilapidated building - including a perverted priest named Rev. Moon (Disney mainstay Laurie Main), a crazy old lady named Mrs. Quigley (Dorothy Neumann), who is looking for a girl named “Alice” and a quiet weirdo named George (John Ventantonio), who we later learn is an avant garde photographer.Aunt Martha's hobby is attending funerals of strangers to photograph their souls leaving their bodies, oh and she has a white pet rat named "Whitey". When Martha goes out funeral-hopping one afternoon and locks Cheryl in the apartment, things start to get a little weird. First Cheryl accidentally kills Whitey and then shoves him down the food disposal. Yikes! Then she sneaks out of the apartment and explores the building (much like Alice in Wonderland) and we learn various things about the building and the people that dwell there.

For instance, Rev. Moon has a collection of male physique pin-ups, Mrs. Quigley sunbathes in her apartment and George has a shrine devoted to the mysterious "Alice".

When friend Judy's hunky blond boyfriend Mike (Len Travis) shows up looking for Cheryl, his visit is abruptly cut short when he loses his head. Literally. Then Judy shows up looking for Mike and she soon meets her maker as well.Meanwhile, oblivious to all this bloodshed, Cheryl befriends a cute, but nerdy hardware store worker named Jeff (MY THREE SONS star Stanley Livingston).

Jeff seems romantically interested in Cheryl but she is somewhat intrigued by the mysterious George, who has now began pursuing her in a stalker-ish kind of way.

Lots of crazy stuff follows, but I would not want to spoil it here, because I cannot recommend PRIVATE PARTS any more highly.

But suffice to say, there's some kinky stuff that happens involving Cheryl in a bedazzling Spider-Woman costume, a scene involving blood injected into a sex doll and a there's shocking twist end that it's not too much of a shock if you watch the trailer first. So don't.

To me, Paul Bartel has created an almost perfect black comedy and a terrifically twisted horror film all in one. Composer Hugo Friedhofer's amazing score brings to mind the great Bernard Herrmann / Hitchcock collaborations and helps elevate the whole affair to another level.

This film gets a 10 outta 10. Enjoy!

The Sentinel

Here's a repost from 2009...

By the late 1970s, it seemed like each major studio had its own classy horror franchise. Warners had THE EXORCIST, Fox had THE OMEN, even Disney had its WITCH MOUNTAIN series.  Not to be outdone, Universal brought us 1977's THE SENTINEL (directed by food critic Michael Winner- it's true, look it up!), based on the novel by Jeffrey Konvitz .  Like many thrillers of the decade, the story starts in a faraway land where some kind of religious curse is established and then the action shifts to modern-day USA where innocent victims fall prey to the ancient evil. At its heart, THE SENTINEL is really a cautionary tale of a beautiful, but troubled young supermodel who gets in with the wrong crowd.  Kinda like MAHOGANY meets ROSEMARY'S BABY.Christina Raines is Alison Parker, a flat-chested cover girl who is about to sign a lease on her first apartment, in an elegant Brooklyn brownstone. Her real estate agent is played by the then-still-glamourous Hollywood legend Ava Gardner–in a performance that has subliminally inspired many a drag queen. We learn that Alison is recently out of the looney bin and is engaged to a slick young lawyer named Michael (Chris Sarandon) who only wears Sansabelt slacks and who is a recent widower. Alison's problems seem to stem from her walking in on her decrepit father while he was celebrating his birthday with lots of balloons, two overweight hookers and some really messy cake. Her reaction to this: she slit her wrists! Alison's new $400 a month apartment comes already furnished, and aside from the blind priest (John Carradine) who lives in the penthouse - all seems quite normal. She is welcomed into the building by an elderly bon vivant (Burgess Meredith- having a ball with the role) and his pets which I dubbed "Sylvester and Tweety".  We next meet a wacky lesbian couple played by the great Sylvia Miles and Beverly D'Angelo. Bev's character does not speak, but she does likes to masturbate to orgasm through her clothes right in front of Alison.  Yup. Charming! The rest of the tenants are quite an odd bunch, but they seem nice enough, especially when they throw a lavish cocktail party to welcome her and her cameltoe.Things take a turn towards the creepy when Alison is awakened by noises coming from the apartment above - and a swinging chandelier above her bed. The apartment above her is supposed to be abandoned!!! When she tells Ava about the disturbances, she finds out that no one lives in the building besides her and the old priest on the top floor! Spooky. Plagued by headaches and fainting spells, Alison's modeling career begins to suffer - but yet she refuses to leave the building, which is clearly haunted by the cast of THE WILD PARTY. Worried about her mental health, her fiancée Michael hires a private eye to look out for her. One night Alison dreams that Sylvester finally gets his paws on that little yellow canary. Awwww.

(Artwork by James and Harry Cauty) 

Alison then is suddenly attacked by a zombie who looks like her dead father - so she goes at him with a knife. Later, the body of the private eye shows up dead with multiple stab wounds. Ouch! At a party with real people (as opposed to the friendly ghosts in her building) she has another of her headaches and passes out. Meanwhile, Michael learns that the apartment building, owned by the Catholic church, was built over the gateway to hell!!! Apparently the blind priest is the night watchman who keeps all the demons at bay - and Alison is next in line to BE the Sentinel!

We also learn that all Alison's ghostly friends are actually dead murderers who are trying to escape from hell and that sweet, kindly Burgess Meredith is Satan incarnate.This leads to the real disturbing part of the film, coming at the climax when the gates to hell are opened and Alison's apartment is filled with demons, lesbians and deformed people (played by real life ‘circus freaks’) that creep towards our heroine in hopes that she'll commit suicide, therefore releasing them from hell forever. 

While I think Christina Raines is gorgeous, her acting is a bit wooden and I would have loved to see the first choice, Kate Jackson in the lead role. Chris Sarandon is perfect as Michael. Along the way some great, reliable actors get to chew the scenery: Martin Balsam as a professor, Jose Ferrer as a priest, Arthur Kennedy as the Monsignor, Eli Wallach and Christopher Walken as cops, Jerry Orbach (looking like a young Adolph Hitler) as a commercial director and Jeff Goldblum as a smarmy fashion photographer.

While not a classic, fans of big, gothic 70s horror films should check it out. On my old "Huh" scale - THE SENTINEL gets a big fat 9 outta 10 for Beverly D'Angelo's ridiculously over-the-top and surprisingly graphic masturbation scene alone which I've dubbed THE DaCUCHI CODE!  I'll leave you with this image...Boo!

ALICE SWEET ALICE

Here's a Friday flashback to a post from 2007. Recycling is good for the blogosphere!
ALICE SWEET ALICE (1976), directed by Alfred Sole was originally released as COMMUNION but returned to theaters two years later to cash on the fame of child-actor Brooke Shields. The film is set in 1961 for some reason and has many references to JFK, Jackie and even to PSYCHO. It's also known as HOLY TERROR - but I'd like to rename it PROBLEM CHILD: THE BEGINNING.

The film opens with some real groovy titles - then we visit a rectory where a hunky priest named Father Tom (Rudolph Willrich) lives. Single mom Catherine Spages (played by Jackie Gleason's daughter Linda Miller) and her two daughters Alice (19 year-old LIQUID SKY actress Paula Sheppard playing a prepubescent teen!!!) and Karen (a very young Brooke Shields) are paying a visit.

Angelic Karen will soon make her first holy communion, and the sexy priest gives his late mother's crucifix to her as a gift. I sense some sexual tension between Catherine and Tom. Karen's bratty sister Alice is jealous, and wanders about the rectory - scaring the wacky Italian housekeeper Mrs. Tredoni (Olympia Dukakis lookalike Mildred Clinton) with a really creepy Halloween mask.
Later Alice (who sort of resembles the Downs Syndrome girl "Jill" from the infamous menstruation education film ALL WOMEN GET PERIODS) is seen terrorizing Karen by abusing her toys and locking her in a room. Mom Catherine doesn't seem to react to her daughter's morbid hobbies, possibly because she's distressed about her failed marriage. Things soon go from bad to worse when Karen is strangled at her first communion - by a stranger in a yellow rain slicker and Halloween mask! And I thought vomiting at MY first communion was bad! (This is true - I threw up and they thought I was possessed!)

After Karen is killed, her body is stuffed into some sort of bench, her crucifix is stolen and then her corpse is set on fire with a church candle. Jeez! Where was the Catholic League when this was released???

When Mother Superior sees smoke, she opens the bench and screams - attracting the attention churchgoers including Catherine and her meddling sister Annie (the very effective Jane Lowry). A funeral follows and Catherine's handsome
ex-husband Dom shows up to help. Annie decides to stay with Catherine to help her through this difficult time and to attempt to discipline Alice, who has only gotten more bratty since Karen's murder. Alice then recruits her chubby cousin Angela to taunt the reclusive and extremely overweight landlord Mr. Alfonso (possibly the most disgusting character since Divine played his own rapist in FEMALE TROUBLE). Suffice to say, people who piss themselves should NOT wear white!

Dom begins to work with the cops to solve his daughter's murder, and tries to call Father Tom, but Mrs. Tredoni interferes, with the intention of protecting the priest from getting too involved. Tom later tells Dom that the police suspect Alice is the killer. Back at the Spages' home Alice drops a bottle of milk and Aunt Annie has a shit fit and tells her it's time to go back to school. Alice then puts on her yellow slicker and pays Mr. Alfonso and his cats a visit. After she wrinkles the rent check, Mr. A. tries to feel her up - she responds by picking up one of his cute kitties and throws it across the room, killing it. What a little bitch!I sure hope the Humane Society was there for that scene!

We see that Alice has built an altar in the basement - where she has candles, her mask, her raincoat, a two-face doll, ballet sleepers and other assorted creepy items. This girl needs therapy in a big way.

Aunt Annie heads out during a storm, but as she walks down the stairs she is suddenly attacked by a masked figure who stabs her repeatedly in her legs and feet. She fights back as best as she can, yelling out Alice's name and attracting Mr. A as a witness. Catherine finds her sister lying in a pool of blood on the sidewalk just as Dom and Rev. Tom drive up. Good timing, guys!

Later at the hospital, Annie tells her milquetoast husband Jim that Alice tried to kill her. Soon Alice is taken in for a lie detector test. She kinda fails when she tells the cops that she saw KAREN attack her aunt. Huh? Karen's dead...I think. Another disturbing scene follows when two cops discuss Alice's breasts. What the fuck - she's supposed to be like 11 or 12. We later learn that Alice has has her first period. This IS just like the Jill video - except Jill doesn't kill anyone from what I remember.

Catherine and Dom are convinced that Alice is innocent - Catherine thinks Annie just wants to pin it all on Alice because she has always hated the born out-of-wedlock child - and Dom thinks Angela (Annie's daughter) is the slasher. Sparks begin to reignite for the divorced couple, until a phone call from his new wife serves as a cold shower for Dom. Dom then receives a suspicious call from Angela. But the voice on the phone is an adult's - and Dom doesn't notice. Huh? "Angela" tells Dom that she has Karen's crucifix and wants to meet him in an abandoned building. Okay... After believing for an hour that Alice was the slasher, I began to wonder just WHO the masked killer was. Could it be Catherine? Could it be Annie's husband Jim? Could it be Alice? Angela? The sexy priest? One of the cats? I'm stumped!

Dom arrives at the warehouse and is attacked by the slasher (wearing the Halloween mask and the yellow raincoat.) He is soon stabbed in the shoulder and then hit in the face with a brick. Dom is then tied up and pushed out of window. This is so not a good week for the Spages family!

Finally the slasher takes off the mask and is revealed to be...XXXXXXX!!!! HUH??? Wow - I did NOT see that coming! XXXXXXX declares that Dom and Catherine are sinners. During Dom's autopsy, they find Karen's crucifix lodged in his throat, apparently he tried swallowing it to keep it away from the killer. Thanks, we were wondering where that went.

It's soon time for Sunday mass. Alice first stops by Mr. Alfonso's apartment to put cockroaches on his stomach as he sleeps.
Nice. Meanwhile, XXXXXXX packs a knife in a shopping bag and stops by the Spages' apartment. Mr. A wakes up and spots XXXXXXX - and thinking it's Alice, he grabs the killer, who then pulls out her knife and stabs him!!! Well, that's one character I can live without.

Later at church, just as XXXXXXX is about to receive Holy Communion, the slasher pulls out the knife and stabs Father Tom in the neck. The priest falls on the altar and into XXXXXXX's arms. Chaos ensues. In the final shot, we see Alice as she walks away from the altar carrying the shopping bag. Then she pulls the bloodied knife out of it and stares blankly into the camera!!! SUPER CREEPY!!!!

What else can I say about ALICE SWEET ALICE? This movie is fan-fucking-tastic! 10 outta 10. Scary, funny, crazy, sacrilegious - this one's a keeper with or without little Brooke. Thanks to my buddy Mike for helping me recall some of the details on this one.

ABBY or THE BLACK EXORCIST

NOT in honor of Black History Month, here's a vintage post from three years ago. Sorry for the lack of images, but I hope my brilliant words more than make up for it. :)
When I heard that there was a movie that was known as THE BLACK EXORCIST - I knew that I had to seek it out. What I found was ABBY (1974, directed by William Girdler), a crazy blaxploitation thriller about a preacher's wife possessed by an evil African sex spirit. Supposedly Warner Bros. had sued to keep ABBY out of circulation due to it's similarities to THE EXORCIST. Obviously, nobody at Warners actually bothered to watch it.

The story starts as out a group of students bid farewell to their favorite teacher, a Reverend (played by BLACULA star William Marshall) who is leaving on a research trip to Nigeria. One student mentions his "thesis" about four or five times, somehow managing to rhyme it with "feces". Soon we all learn about "Eshu" - some kind of god or demon or something that is very powerful - it creates whirlwinds and chaos. Then one of the students gives Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. (what I'll call him) a ridiculously large silver crucifix. Thanks, um, I think. Then we are treated to the "Love Theme from Abby" over the hardest-to-read-opening-titles ever.

Now we're in Africa, where Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. finds a wooden lunchbox, which when opened releases the recently mentioned Eshu. Imagine that! Eshu - by the way - looks like a bad INCREDIBLE HULK mask made out of green Play-Doh.

Back home, the professor's son Rev. Blacula Jr. (Terry Carter) and his pretty wife Abby (Carol Speed) move into a new house. Abby's mother (played by Hollywood legend Juanita Moore of IMITATION OF LIFE fame) is there help, by carrying a big box that says "Eggs" and by ordering a bucket from KFC. (I swear to Eshu - I'm not making this up!)

So, after settling in a bit in the new home, Abby decides to shower - unaware that the evil spirit Eshu has travelled cross the sea to pay her a visit. So we are treated to Abby's showering shadow being attacked by what looks like the shadow of Bigfoot. Soon Abby's helping the church ladies prepare a chicken meal, when she suddenly gets the urge to stab herself. I think she just thought her arm was a chicken breast. Innocent mistake. After the doctor bandages her up, Abby freaks out about not wanting scars on her arm. Well, you should have thought about that BEFORE you stabbed yourself, Abby.

Later Abby is leading the choir at her husband's church, but flips out during his sermon, first just coughing uncontrollably, then attacking a churchgoer and finally foaming at the mouth!!! This scene is pretty amazing because it takes so long for anyone to even attempt to help her, even when she was just coughing - no one even offers her water or a cough drop! Rev. Blacula Jr. calls his father overseas and mentions that Abby's acting strange. Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. seems too preoccupied with his "work" and tells his son that Abby just needs rest. Later, he tries to get on with his wife, but Abby tells him, "I'm not your 'ho!" and then kicks him in the balls.

Next up, when another couple visits, Abby declares that she's gonna "fuck the shit out of" the husband. Clearly, something is up with Abby. It was here that I noticed that Abby's possession turns her into an odd combination of Carol Burnett's Eunice and RuPaul. Then the church organist pays a visit to a bedridden Abby and ends up dying of fright!

Rev. Blacula Jr. calls his father again, and dad begrudgingly agrees to come home to help. Then Abby is given a medical exam, but everything turns out normal. Abby tells her husband, "I wanna thank you for callin' that mother fuckin' father of yours. Give him my worst regards." In the best scene in the film, possessed by Eshu, Abby declares "I'm goin' home, bitch!" and escapes from the hospital, plowing through assorted nurses, patients and doctors.

Abby turns up at her home, with a big "welcome home" for the senior Reverend - she tries to give him a lapdance.
Abby then gets behind the wheel and drives to a disco and picks up a nerdy looking dude from her church. Her husband "borrows" some woman's car and chases after her. Abby and the church dude start going at it in his car (can't tell if it's a limo or a hearse) , but then the car starts to shake and fill with smoke. We never find out what actually happened, before we can question it, Abby then returns to the club, where she sets her sights on creepy Doc Severinsen lookalike. They soon disappear into a room upstairs. You have to wonder where Abby gets her bad taste in men from.

Meanwhile, Abby's detective brother joins Rev. Blacula Jr. in a search for our missing heroine. They eventually find her disco-dancing with TWO men! Then Abby decides to start tossing patrons around the room. Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. finally shows up with his big ass crucifix. Abby then grows a unibrow, levitates and Eshu releases his wrath on the entire disco! Yay! I'm not gonna tell you how it ends - but suffice to say we see that old wooden lunchbox from Nigeria again!

Well, ABBY was certainly a treat. Carol Speed was fun to watch and you can't help but love Juanita Moore as her mama. My theory is that Juanita had memorized all her lines from IMITATION OF LIFE and just recited them again here. I really was hoping to LOVE this movie - but the best I can muster is 8 out of 10. I'm really hoping some day for a big budget remake starring Wanda Sykes and Billy Dee Williams.

PRIME EVIL

A Catholic Classic for Ash Wednesday. A group of friends gathered one night to watch one of the last films by Roberta Findlay, a notorious filmmaker whose body of work includes porno and the infamous 1970s SNUFF.

PRIME EVIL from 1988 sounded great - It's supposed to be a frightfest about a group of evil Catholic monks in New York City who sacrifice humans to Lord Satan. A spunky undercover nun infiltrates the cult in an attempt to put an end to their Satanic shenanigans. How could we go wrong?

So we meet a priest named Father Thomas Seaton, a member of the demonic sect that formed in the 13th Century. We learn that members of this fraternity can earn immortality if they sacrifice a blood relation every 13 years. There's a fun & surprising decapitation scene, which seemed promising. But things go downhill fast from there.

It's December in NYC and we soon meet a guy named George and his intended victim- his "pure" granddaughter Alexandra, but her boyfriend Bill is suspicious. Alexandra thinks Bill is just jealous. We learn that she had been abused by her father and a group of child pornographers. We think he's jealous of them too.

After the sudden death of her mother, Alexandra moves in with her granddaddy and falls under the priest's seductive spell, never suspecting that she's being prepared for a Xmas sacrifice to Satan. However, the Catholic church is aware of the sinister cult plan and a young nun named Sister Angela has been recruited to expose their blasphemist ways for once and for all! This should be good...but it isn't. It's just boring.

There are a few "comic relief" scenes set at a gym and a womens' locker room. Not sure who these women are and why they are even included. There's also a SNL "Church Lady" reference. And then there's a subplot involving a George Costanza-lookalike psycho who is a the Satanic henchmen named Ben. He's about as “menacing” as, well - George Costanza. Sometimes he's killing some people, and other times he's giving them injections and abducting them. Huh?

When Satan finally appears he's played by muppet Gonzo drenched in catsup. The special effects get better towards the end when some Satatic people rapidly age and begin to melt. But aside from that, there's really no suspense, shocks or thrills, just lots of soap opera acting, a few boobs and some nice shots of New York City during Christmas season. A measly 2 out of 10 on my scale.

PRIME EVIL

Unintentionally continuing my Independence Day "Salute to Satan," a group of us gathered to watch one of the last films by Roberta Findlay, a notorious filmmaker whose body of work includes porno and the infamous 1970s SNUFF. PRIME EVIL from 1988 sounded great - It's supposed to be a frightfest about a group of evil Catholic monks in New York City who sacrifice humans to Lord Satan. A spunky undercover nun infiltrates the cult in an attempt to put an end to their Satanic shenanigans. How could we go wrong?

So we meet a priest named Father Thomas Seaton, a member of the demonic sect that formed in the 13th Century. We learn that members of this fraternity can earn immortality if they sacrifice a blood relation every 13 years. There's a fun & surprising decapitation scene, which seemed promising. But things go downhill fast from there.

It's December in NYC and we soon meet a guy named George and his intended victim- his "pure" granddaughter Alexandra, but her boyfriend Bill is suspicious. Alexandra thinks Bill is just jealous. We learn that she had been abused by her father and a group of child pornographers. We think he's jealous of them too.

After the sudden death of her mother, Alexandra moves in with her granddaddy and falls under the priest's seductive spell, never suspecting that she's being prepared for a Xmas sacrifice to Satan. However, the Catholic church is aware of the sinister cult plan and a young nun named Sister Angela has been recruited to expose their blasphemist ways for once and for all!
This should be good...but it isn't. It's just boring.

There are a few "comic relief" scenes set at a gym and a womens' locker room. Not sure who these women are and why they are even included. There's also a SNL "Church Lady" reference. And then there's a subplot involving a George Costanza-lookalike psycho who is a the Satanic henchmen named Ben. He's about as “menacing” as, well - George Costanza. Sometimes he's killing some people, and other times he's giving them injections and abducting them. Huh?

When Satan finally appears he's played by muppet Gonzo drenched in captsup. The special effects get better towards the end when some Satatic people rapidly age and begin to melt. But aside from that, there's really no suspense, shocks or thrills, just lots of soap opera acting, a few boobs and some nice shots of New York City during Christmas season. A measly 2 out of 10 "Huhs".

ALICE SWEET ALICE

ALICE SWEET ALICE (1976), directed by Alfred Sole was originally released as COMMUNION but returned to theaters two years later to cash on the fame of child-actor Brooke Shields. The film is set in 1961 for some reason and has many references to JFK, Jackie and even to PSYCHO. It's also known as HOLY TERROR - but I'd like to rename it PROBLEM CHILD: THE BEGINNING.

The film opens with some real groovy titles - then we visit a rectory where a hunky priest named Father Tom (Rudolph Willrich) lives. Single mom Catherine Spages (played by Jackie Gleason's daughter Linda Miller) and her two daughters Alice (19 year-old LIQUID SKY actress Paula Sheppard playing a prepubescent teen!!!) and Karen (a very young Brooke Shields) are paying a visit.

Angelic Karen will soon make her first holy communion, and the sexy priest gives his late mother's crucifix to her as a gift. I sense some sexual tension between Catherine and Tom. Karen's bratty sister Alice is jealous, and wanders about the rectory - scaring the wacky Italian housekeeper Mrs. Tredoni (Olympia Dukakis lookalike Mildred Clinton) with a really creepy Halloween mask.
Later Alice (who sort of resembles the Downs Syndrome girl "Jill" from the infamous menstruation education film ALL WOMEN GET PERIODS) is seen terrorizing Karen by abusing her toys and locking her in a room. Mom Catherine doesn't seem to react to her daughter's morbid hobbies, possibly because she's distressed about her failed marriage. Things soon go from bad to worse when Karen is strangled at her first communion - by a stranger in a yellow rain slicker and Halloween mask! And I thought vomiting at MY first communion was bad! (This is true - I threw up and they thought I was possessed!)

After Karen is killed, her body is stuffed into some sort of bench, her crucifix is stolen and then her corpse is set on fire with a church candle. Jeez! Where was the Catholic League when this was released???

When Mother Superior sees smoke, she opens the bench and screams - attracting the attention churchgoers including Catherine and her meddling sister Annie (the very effective Jane Lowry). A funeral follows and Catherine's handsome
ex-husband Dom shows up to help. Annie decides to stay with Catherine to help her through this difficult time and to attempt to discipline Alice, who has only gotten more bratty since Karen's murder. Alice then recruits her chubby cousin Angela to taunt the reclusive and extremely overweight landlord Mr. Alfonso (possibly the most disgusting character since Divine played his own rapist in FEMALE TROUBLE). Suffice to say, people who piss themselves should NOT wear white!

Dom begins to work with the cops to solve his daughter's murder, and tries to call Father Tom, but Mrs. Tredoni interferes, with the intention of protecting the priest from getting too involved. Tom later tells Dom that the police suspect Alice is the killer. Back at the Spages' home Alice drops a bottle of milk and Aunt Annie has a shit fit and tells her it's time to go back to school. Alice then puts on her yellow slicker and pays Mr. Alfonso and his cats a visit. After she wrinkles the rent check, Mr. A. tries to feel her up - she responds by picking up one of his cute kitties and throws it across the room, killing it. What a little bitch!I sure hope the Humane Society was there for that scene!

We see that Alice has built an altar in the basement - where she has candles, her mask, her raincoat, a two-face doll, ballet sleepers and other assorted creepy items. This girl needs therapy in a big way.

Aunt Annie heads out during a storm, but as she walks down the stairs she is suddenly attacked by a masked figure who stabs her repeatedly in her legs and feet. She fights back as best as she can, yelling out Alice's name and attracting Mr. A as a witness. Catherine finds her sister lying in a pool of blood on the sidewalk just as Dom and Rev. Tom drive up. Good timing, guys!

Later at the hospital, Annie tells her milquetoast husband Jim that Alice tried to kill her. Soon Alice is taken in for a lie detector test. She kinda fails when she tells the cops that she saw KAREN attack her aunt. Huh? Karen's dead...I think. Another disturbing scene follows when two cops discuss Alice's breasts. What the fuck - she's supposed to be like 11 or 12. We later learn that Alice has has her first period. This IS just like the Jill video - except Jill doesn't kill anyone from what I remember.

Catherine and Dom are convinced that Alice is innocent - Catherine thinks Annie just wants to pin it all on Alice because she has always hated the born out-of-wedlock child - and Dom thinks Angela (Annie's daughter) is the slasher. Sparks begin to reignite for the divorced couple, until a phone call from his new wife serves as a cold shower for Dom. Dom then receives a suspicious call from Angela. But the voice on the phone is an adult's - and Dom doesn't notice. Huh? "Angela" tells Dom that she has Karen's crucifix and wants to meet him in an abandoned building. Okay... After believing for an hour that Alice was the slasher, I began to wonder just WHO the masked killer was. Could it be Catherine? Could it be Annie's husband Jim? Could it be Alice? Angela? The sexy priest? One of the cats? I'm stumped!

Dom arrives at the warehouse and is attacked by the slasher (wearing the Halloween mask and the yellow raincoat.) He is soon stabbed in the shoulder and then hit in the face with a brick. Dom is then tied up and pushed out of window. This is so not a good week for the Spages family!

Finally the slasher takes off the mask and is revealed to be...XXXXXXX!!!! HUH??? Wow - I did NOT see that coming! XXXXXXX declares that Dom and Catherine are sinners. During Dom's autopsy, they find Karen's crucifix lodged in his throat, apparently he tried swallowing it to keep it away from the killer. Thanks, we were wondering where that went.

It's soon time for Sunday mass. Alice first stops by Mr. Alfonso's apartment to put cockroaches on his stomach as he sleeps.
Nice. Meanwhile, XXXXXXX packs a knife in a shopping bag and stops by the Spages' apartment. Mr. A wakes up and spots XXXXXXX - and thinking it's Alice, he grabs the killer, who then pulls out her knife and stabs him!!! Well, that's one character I can live without.

Later at church, just as XXXXXXX is about to receive Holy Communion, the slasher pulls out the knife and stabs Father Tom in the neck. The priest falls on the altar and into XXXXXXX's arms. Chaos ensues. In the final shot, we see Alice as she walks away from the altar carrying the shopping bag. Then she pulls the bloodied knife out of it and stares blankly into the camera!!! SUPER CREEPY!!!!

What else can I say about ALICE SWEET ALICE? This movie is fan-fucking-tastic! 10 outta 10. Scary, funny, crazy, sacrilegious - this one's a keeper with or without little Brooke. Thanks to my buddy Mike for helping me recall some of the details on this one.

ABBY

When I heard that there was a movie that was known as THE BLACK EXORCIST - I knew that I had to seek it out. What I found was ABBY (1974, directed by William Girdler), a crazy blaxploitation thriller about a preacher's wife possessed by an evil African sex spirit. Supposedly Warner Bros. had sued to keep ABBY out of circulation due to it's similarities to THE EXORCIST. Obviously, nobody at Warners actually bothered to watch it.

The story starts as out a group of students bid farewell to their favorite teacher, a Reverend (played by BLACULA star William Marshall) who is leaving on a research trip to Nigeria. One student mentions his "thesis" about four or five times, somehow managing to rhyme it with "feces". Soon we all learn about "Eshu" - some kind of god or demon or something that is very powerful - it creates whirlwinds and chaos. Then one of the students gives Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. (what I'll call him) a ridiculously large silver crucifix. Thanks, um, I think. Then we are treated to the "Love Theme from Abby" over the hardest-to-read-opening-titles ever.

Now we're in Africa, where Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. finds a wooden lunchbox, which when opened releases the recently mentioned Eshu. Imagine that! Eshu - by the way - looks like a bad INCREDIBLE HULK mask made out of green Play-Doh.

Back home, the professor's son Rev. Blacula Jr. (Terry Carter) and his pretty wife Abby (Carol Speed) move into a new house. Abby's mother (played by Hollywood legend Juanita Moore of IMITATION OF LIFE fame) is there help, by carrying a big box that says "Eggs" and by ordering a bucket from KFC. (I swear to Eshu - I'm not making this up!)

So, after settling in a bit in the new home, Abby decides to shower - unaware that the evil spirit Eshu has travelled cross the sea to pay her a visit. So we are treated to Abby's showering shadow being attacked by what looks like the shadow of Bigfoot. Soon Abby's helping the church ladies prepare a chicken meal, when she suddenly gets the urge to stab herself. I think she just thought her arm was a chicken breast. Innocent mistake. After the doctor bandages her up, Abby freaks out about not wanting scars on her arm. Well, you should have thought about that BEFORE you stabbed yourself, Abby.

Later Abby is leading the choir at her husband's church, but flips out during his sermon, first just coughing uncontrollably, then attacking a churchgoer and finally foaming at the mouth!!! This scene is pretty amazing because it takes so long for anyone to even attempt to help her, even when she was just coughing - no one even offers her water or a cough drop! Rev. Blacula Jr. calls his father overseas and mentions that Abby's acting strange. Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. seems too preoccupied with his "work" and tells his son that Abby just needs rest. Later, he tries to get on with his wife, but Abby tells him, "I'm not your 'ho!" and then kicks him in the balls.

Next up, when another couple visits, Abby declares that she's gonna "fuck the shit out of" the husband. Clearly, something is up with Abby. It was here that I noticed that Abby's possession turns her into an odd combination of Carol Burnett's Eunice and RuPaul. Then the church organist pays a visit to a bedridden Abby and ends up dying of fright!

Rev. Blacula Jr. calls his father again, and dad begrudgingly agrees to come home to help. Then Abby is given a medical exam, but everything turns out normal. Abby tells her husband, "I wanna thank you for callin' that mother fuckin' father of yours. Give him my worst regards." In the best scene in the film, possessed by Eshu, Abby declares "I'm goin' home, bitch!" and escapes from the hospital, plowing through assorted nurses, patients and doctors.

Abby turns up at her home, with a big "welcome home" for the senior Reverend - she tries to give him a lapdance.
Abby then gets behind the wheel and drives to a disco and picks up a nerdy looking dude from her church. Her husband "borrows" some woman's car and chases after her. Abby and the church dude start going at it in his car (can't tell if it's a limo or a hearse) , but then the car starts to shake and fill with smoke. We never find out what actually happened, before we can question it, Abby then returns to the club, where she sets her sights on creepy Doc Severinsen lookalike. They soon disappear into a room upstairs. You have to wonder where Abby gets her bad taste in men from.

Meanwhile, Abby's detective brother joins Rev. Blacula Jr. in a search for our missing heroine. They eventually find her disco-dancing with TWO men! Then Abby decides to start tossing patrons around the room. Prof. Rev. Blacula Sr. finally shows up with his big ass crucifix. Abby then grows a unibrow, levitates and Eshu releases his wrath on the entire disco! Yay! I'm not gonna tell you how it ends - but suffice to say we see that old wooden lunchbox from Nigeria again!

Well, ABBY was cerftainly a treat. Carol Speed was fun to watch and you can't help but love Juanita Moore as her mama. My theory is that Juanita had memorized all her lines from IMITATION OF LIFE and just recited them again here. I really was hoping to LOVE this movie - but the best I can muster is 8 out of 10 "Huhs?". I'm really hoping some day for a big budget remake starring Wanda Sykes and Billy Dee Williams.