Mickey Rooney is THE MANIPULATOR

Here's a post from 2008 - in honor of the late Mr. Rooney. Ever wonder what it would be like if Sid & Marty Krofft produced Stephen King's MISERY? Well, 1971's THE MANIPULATOR (aka BJ LANG PRESENTS) is a pretty close approximation of what it might look like.It all starts innocently enough on a rainy night, when we see a dark figure in a hat and raincoat walking on a dark city street accompanied by standard 1970s TV-movie theme music followed by the opening titles "Mickey Rooney...Luana Anders...THE MANIPULATOR". A fancy old car then pulls up to a warehouse and Mickey exits sporting his YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS beard. He then gets into a freight elevator as flashes of random Fellini-like horrors begin. This is when we start to know this is no ABC Movie of the Week.

Mickey walks by what looks like a dusty animal carcass and climbs up a ladder into what looks like a Hollywood prop house. He then sits in an old leather chair, takes off his rose-tinted sunglasses and begins talking to himself as if he is various members of a film crew. Okay. He chats with a mannequin named "Wally" in a what could be a scene from ANDY HARDY HAS A COMPLETE MENTAL BREAKDOWN-decides to "put on a show!!!" Too bad Judy wasn't around to help out!

So Mickey begins to describe the upcoming scene to his imaginary "cast & crew". He calls "action!" and turns on a strobe light, imagining a pair of nude elderly actors dancing in the spotlight as he shouts the lyrics to "Chattanooga Choo Choo" at them. Then he showers the naked old folks with flowers. HUH??? The old people soon disappear, then Mickey pulls back a curtain and screams - and a real woman (Luana Anders) screams back at him. She's his "star", Carlotta - and she's hungry. In fact she asks him for food repeatedly. Turns out she's his prisoner and he has her tied to a wheelchair - and it's time for her lunch! Mickey then feeds her water from a silver chalice and baby food from a jar. Classy.

So then we learn that Carlotta has been cast as Roxanne (the Daryl Hannah role) in BJ Lang's film version of CYRANO DE BERGERAC. While Mickey is feeding her, she bites his finger and tells him that she's grateful for his kindness to her. Then he yells at some "crew members" and rolls in a huge spotlight followed by a (believe it or not) a fast-motion dance with a broomstick intercut with insert shots of a growling wild animal. Very Krofft-like. Meanwhile, Carlotta unties herself. Run like the wind, girl, run!!!

I guess she didn't run cause Mickey then shows up in drag make-up...and whispers to Charlotte about when he used to make up Marilyn's eyes. Then her gets all femme as he applies Carlotta's Roxanne make-up. This is a very disturbing scene. What would Judy say???

Mickey hears some cackling laughter in his head and is now sporting a really fake Witchie-Poo type Cyrano nose. I guess he's the director AND star of this production! Then he pushes Carlotta's wheelchair head-on into a mirror and demands that she recite her lines from the balcony scene. Then he yells at the thunder outside to be "quiet". Huh?After playing with some color gels, Mickey gives a pep talk to his imaginary background players (actually a collection of broken mannequins). Then he forces Carlotta to act out a scene - he calls "cut!!!" and breaks into another "Chattanooga Choo Choo" performance. Jesus - please make it stop!!! Then he tells her all about "fear" as he pretends to choke her. That's when I decide that ANDY HARDY MUST DIE!!!

So, Mickey calls "action!!!" again and they act out their big scene and unseen crowds roar with applause and "bravos!" Carlotta then tells him that the audience LOVES him. What follows next is the most bizarre scene in the film - We see a naked baby walking around a cocktail party where we also see the usual assortment of late 60s/early 70s "freaks" - you know - nudists, drag queens, Ruth Gordon-type old ladies, more nudists, pot-smokers, hippies, sex maniacs and others eating Saltine crackers with spinach dip and tripping out on acid. This all culminates with a giant orgy where Mickey is caressed by both women and men...and the naked baby is in the middle of it all!!! Really...I ask again...WHAT would Judy say???

While preparing for his big "duel" scene, Mickey suddenly collapses and Carlotta begs him NOT to die. Huh? She gets herself free and begins kicking the shit out of him. Why doesn't she just RUN??? Of course he manages to pin her down and kiss her! What a MANIPULATOR! Carlotta then begins running in very slow motion down a looooonnnnnggggg hallway while crazy electronic special effects music plays. Soon Mickey leaps out at her with his Cyrano sword. She decides to hide behind some sheer curtains. Smart girl, that Carlotta.

Then Mickey chases her through the mannequin display - and she attacks him with the spotlight. Carlotta then continues to run through the prop house through what looks like a combo wardrobe department and meat locker. She then crawls around the catwalk as Mickey hollers out orders to his "film crew"...and he once again breaks into song - yes, that's right - "Chattanooga Choo Choo" for the third fucking time!!! I beg of you....Please make it stop...please!!!! I will never listen to that song the same way again. Actually, I will never listen to that song again, PERIOD.

As Carlotta continues to navigate her way through the wardrobe, she suddenly stumbles upon "guest star" character actor Keenan Wynn - who Mickey stabs with his sword and kills. I guess it was just a cameo. Suddenly we're in a slaughterhouse, where a string quartet entertains both women in furs and butchers wearing bloody aprons as Carlotta dances for them all. I just can't say "huh?" anymore - I'm totally exhausted.

Mickey tells Carlotta he'll let her go if she tells him that she loves him. She doesn't - but he lets her go anyway. Okay, HUH? She then runs through the damn wardrobe again!!! She climbs down the ladder into the freight elevator...but she can't figure out how to open the door - so she just slams herself against the walls till it opens. Oh my god...I can't take much more of this.

Finally - Carlotta runs out into the rain - and locks herself in his car!!! She starts blowing the horn as Mickey pounds on the car windows - finally smashing the window with a trash can. He unlocks the door. Fade to: she's back inside with him. They kiss - and she laughs. This drives him CRAZY. I mean REALLY CRAZY. Then everyTHING around him begins to laugh. Mannequins, dead animals, boxes, jars of Vicks VapoRub, Chia Pets, etc. Then she starts yelling "No!!! No!!! No!!!" at him and he recites the final lines from CYRANO - and she actually looks at him... LOVINGLY!!!

Then he stabs himself with the sword and dies. She hears applause and takes a bow. The End. After the end credits we see Mickey's sped-up dance with the broom again. I almost expected Pufnstuf to show up and join in. The End for real.

Holy Shit! I really think Mickey thought he was gonna get an Oscar for this "brave" film role. I'm just surprised he ever worked again after it!!! This movie needs to be seen just to show how an actor's ego can lead to bad film choices. I do have to say that Luana Anders was truly compelling as Carlotta - and I look forward to seeing some of her other films. Sadly, she passed away in 1996.

The film really rates a 10 outta 10 - but only deserves 2 outta 10 because by the end you just feel so beat up, mentally drained and MANIPULATED from watching it. Wonder who that poor nude baby at the orgy grew up to be? Jimmy Osmond?

"Confetti" or "When Wonder Woman Met Judy Garland"

From 2009, and in honor of Judy Garland's 90th birthday, I proudly re-present one of my most popular blog entires..."Confetti" or "When Wonder Woman Met Judy Garland".  Yes - that's right - for two issues (226 and 227 of her original series) Woman Woman, everybody's favorite Amazon got to pal around with a dead ringer for Judy Garland, everyone's favorite tragic songbird! Courtesy of writer Martin Pasko and artists Jose Delbo and Vince Colletta, this epic meeting of two gay icons could only be rivaled by the year Comic Con and San Diego Pride occurred on the same weekend! The sad story goes like this...singer actress Julie Gabriel is infamous for being late to movie sets and for throwing temper tamtrums–but somehow the people, the fans still love her. Sound familiar?
Her put-upon husband/manager tries to talk her out of quitting her latest gig–a film about the United Nations. She shows him who's boss by downing some pills! Oh no, Julie!!!
After evil fire god Hephaestus (the guy with the flaming fist pictured on the cover of Issue 226) causes chaos on the film set, Wonder Woman shows up and saves the day! Afterwards in her secret identity of U.N. representive Diana Prince, she makes friends with Julie, who invites her for a drink. Suffering Sappho!!!
After a cliffhanger, things pick up in the very next issue as Julie rehearses for her big night at Carnegie Hall with her gay choreographer.
After some gay-bashing humor, Julie gives Diana two tickets for her Carnegie Hall concert!Diana when pays Julie a surprise visit before her show, she gets accused of being "a little meshugginah"! Then she transforms into WW before Julie's eyes! Oh no, anytime Diana reveals her secret identity to someone, trouble follows!!!
I'm not sure if Julie is wearing pants in these scenes as WW compels Julie to give a mediorce performance! Great Hera!!!
And then the big show begins. Diana takes Steve Howard as her date (He's really Steve Trevor, who was recently brought back to life by the gods). JULIE! JULIE! JULIE!
Despite Diana's spell, Julie's fans love her just the same, and they begin to clamor for her to sing her signature tune, "Confetti"...but soon the stage catches on fire thanks to old cranky Hephaestus!

So, as the crowd cheers and screams in horror–Julie gives the performance of her career as the theater burns to a crisp around her!

"Confetti" concludes, Hephaestus is captured by WW and poor Julie is reduced to a pile of ashes.The End. Too bad Julie didn't rise from the dead during BLACKEST NIGHT.

Judy Garland 1922-1969

Today is the 41st anniversary of Judy Garland's death, so in honor of that sad (but historical event) here's a photo of me from about 25 years ago, visiting the grave of the legendary performer. How gay is that?

THE JUDY GARLAND CHRISTMAS SHOW

Another vintage Dougsploitation Christmas treat from two years ago...THE JUDY GARLAND CHRISTMAS SHOW (1963) is actually an special episode of Judy's short-lived CBS variety series. When a Christmas episode starts out with snow in Los Angeles you know you're in for a treat. When it's sponsored by Contac time-release capsules - you are in "huh?" TV heaven!

Well, things get off to a nice start as Judy sings her official holiday tune - "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" which she introduced in the film MEET ME IN ST LOUIS. As she sings she cuddles with her young son Joe, constantly touching him and even rubbing noses with him all the while poor big sister Lorna stands by attentively and must settle for a slight tap on the hand. Judy then welcomes the viewers to her "home" and tells them that tonight she's staying home with her family (i.e. - no booze and pills for Mama tonight!). She then confides in us that her eldest daughter, 17-year old Liza is out skating with her "beau".

Judy then leads the kids in a rousing rendition of "Consider Yourself at Home" from the musical OLIVER! as she takes the viewer on a tour of her living room set. This makes me wonder why CBS choose to air this series in black & white - since it was originally broadcast on Sunday nights - opposite NBC's BONANZA - which was brought to you in "living color". Go figure.

Next up is the first Contac commercial - which had a soundtrack that sounds similar to Bernard Herrmann's PSYCHO score. Speaking of psycho, after the commercial break Liza storms in the door, ignoring her little sister Lorna and pretending to not know that she's on Mama's TV show. So they finish up the OLIVER song and hoist little Joe up on the piano where he bravely struggles his way through another song from OLIVER as Judy proudly looks on. Lorna sits quitely and pretends that she is loved.

After Joe's solo number, Liza's "beau" - choreographer Tracy Everitt - arrives wearing a sweater borrowed from LOST IN SPACE and black pants that are tighter than Liza's Capezios. I surmise that Tracy is the first in a string of painfully sexy and marginally talented young men that will break Liza's heart over the years. Today, Mr. Everitt teaches dance classes in Hoboken, NJ. For real. Google him.

Liza convinces the family to watch as she and Tracy perform "Steam Heat" as a pitch for Judy's stage act. The Fosse-like dance steps overwhelm Judy who jokingly asks them how long it took them to learn their little routine. When Tracy delivers his "two and a half years" punchline, you can hear crickets in the studio. So Tracy and Liza take little Joe over to the Christmas tree so Judy can warble a tune from her animated film GAY PURR-EE. No one even wonders where Lorna is - I think she's in her room crying at this point.

Next up is another great Contac commercial featuring characters from THE WIZARD OF OZ in stop-motion animation, complaining of flu and cold symptoms. Amazing.

After the ad, handsome family friend and LOVE BOAT theme crooner Jack Jones shows up singing "Wouldn't It Be Loverly" from MY FAIR LADY and another song called "Lollipops and Roses". He looks at Lorna as if to say "How did the neighbor's kid get in here? Don't you people have locks on your doors?" Afterwards, Lorna tries to get attention from Mr. Jones by convincing him to let her sit on his lap and sing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Didn't this happen in LOLITA too? Meanwhile, Liza seems slightly annoyed that Lorna is getting any airtime at all, but decides to let this one slide.

Next up is an ad from Judy's "alternate sponsor" Pall Mall cigarettes! First pills, now ciggies - what's next Jack Daniels? Oddly, the announcer pronounces the brand as "Pell Mell".

After the 'cancer sticks' ad, Liza sings a boring song as Tracy fiddles with a small package he has placed near his crotch. Huh?

After her solo number, Liza steals more camera time by getting under a blanket with Jack and Judy for a medley of snow songs - but they are rudely interrupted by a gang of Charleston-dancing Santas who crash the party - no doubt looking for pills and cigarettes! This is followed by an ad for Thrill dish soap - "it's like getting a new pair of hands in just 14 days!". Wow - what a tagline. There needs to be an episode of MAD MEN about that campaign!

After the dish soap commercial, the caroler's arrive - led by Judy's backstage nemesis Mel Torme (who I think she calls "Mort") - aka the Velvet Fog - aka the bastard who was hired to fix Judy's show. As scripted by Mel, Judy has to convince him to sing "The Christmas Song" (which he wrote) - and he invites her to sing along. Judy looks as if she's up to something. Mel begins to scat and Judy takes over the song - changing the lyrics right in front of the guy who wrote them! Judy rules.

The real lyrics:
"They know that Santa's on his way, 
He's loaded lots of toys
, And goodies on his sleigh
, And every mother's child is gonna spy,
To see if reindeer really know how to fly"

Judy's lyrics:
"They know that Santa's on his way
, He's loaded lots of GIFTS, 
And TOYS on his sleigh
, And every mother's child is gonna spy
,To see if RAINBOWS really know how to fly"

You can tell that Mel is seething inside and Judy's loving it. Mel later got revenge by writing a tell-all about Judy and the show after her death. Next up is another stop-motion commercial - this time for a free Betty Crocker and Gold Medal flour holiday cookbook! It's incredible!

After the ad, Judy's house is now full of freeloaders. Tracy brings out a bowl of eggnog and then they begin an endless medley of sacred carols. The self-important ham known as Mel Torme leads the choir. Then Lorna and Joe sing "Silent Night" - followed by an ad for Head and Shoulders! This ad features a woman well into her 30s worrying about having dandruff in her graduation photo. Honey, that's the least of your problems!

After the dandruff clears up, Judy boots everyone out of her house. Liza and Tracy dash off caroling - but the dancing Santas return to perform a crazy Rockettes-style dance with Judy. Damn - I wish this was in color!!!

So, then Judy shuts off all the lights - but Lorna and Joe come out calling "Mama..." to which she replies, as if annoyed - "WHAT???!!!". Well, it turns out she forgot to sing "Over the Rainbow". Which she then does - and it is a beautiful arrangement! Then Judy says goodnight for good and the camera pulls back to show it's still snowing in L.A.. All is well with the world, until CBS cancels her show...but that's another story. This show is a total 10 outta 10. Just for kicks, here's a recent pic of Judy's kids.

Awww...Lorna.

Something for Everyone! (except perhaps sports fans)

While I catch my breath from a busy week and the seemingly endless parade of celebrity deaths, (What's up with that shit?) I thought I'd take the opportunity to remind you all about the many blogs and moods of Doug.

This here blog, Dougsploitation is all about the things I love - like classic TV, campy movies, comic books, great music and other pop culture distractions like Sonseed's now classic "Jesus is a Friend of Mine". Occasionally I run interviews with cool folks like comic genius Wendi McLendon-Covey, SCTV's unsung hero Juul Haalmeyer and Sonseed's groovy lead singer Sal Polichetti. (Look for a one-year anniversary follow-up with Sal next month!)

The Velvet Candy Blog is all about the film & TV projects that I produce through my company, Velvet Candy Entertainment, LLC which includes the feature film SOCKET, the short films REUNION (for HBO) and SCREENING PARTY and the recent No on 8 PSA, THE DEFENDERS. I have a bunch of exciting new movie projects in development, like K-TOWN P.I. and you'll read about them there first.

Hello There Cutie is blog I recently launched with a good friend of mine from San Fransisco. It's an all-ages, family friendly blog dedicated to the cutest things in the world, because the world can be a very ugly place.

On the other end of the spectrum is Nudesploitation, a naughty ADULTS ONLY blog featuring dirty, dirty pictures of naked celebrities, vintage nudie pix and other such prurient and titillating topics. Submissions accepted. :)

Miss Gumm Returns is a photo blog dedicated to preserving the memory of one particularly horrible photo of Judy Garland. This blog has not been updated in quite a while, but you never know when Miss Gumm will be making a comeback.

Also, dormant for the time being is Where's Krissie Now? - another photo blog, this one chronicling the misadventure's of Santa's bastard daughter, Krissie Kristmas!

So there you have it, my diverse assortment of blogs for readers and viewers of all tastes. Do enjoy!

Judy Garland 1922-1969

Forty years ago today.

My Visit To The Homoerotic Cowboy Museum

Now that I've gotten your attention, I'd like to tell you about my visit to The Gene Autry National Center of The American West, located in Los Angeles' Griffith Park. I've lived in walking distance from this tourist attraction for almost 8 years now and finally decided to check out what's behind it's doors when my friend Laura got free passes for her, me and my friend Pam. I got much more out of it than I ever expected. Never a big western fan, I was somehow always been drawn to the iconic image of the American cowboy. I wonder why...The museum's permanent collection features rare photos, paintings and artifacts depicting these rough and tough  guys. From rodeo participants (above) to outlaws (below).  The miners pictured below in Ernest Narjot's 1992 painting Miners: A Moment of Rest would not look out of place on the cover of a gay pulp paperback.And the hunky Native American seen here in Charles Deas' 1846 Solitary Indian could easily pass for one of The Village People. Even my friend Pam thought the figure had a WeHo gym body.
Other pieces of interest include the entire Best of the West doll collection featuring Jane West!
Watch this for more on Jane:

Another famous western gal, was Annie Oakley, the legendary real-life performer whose life was immortalized on stage and screen through the Irving Berlin musical, ANNIE GET YOUR GUN.
Annie has been played by many gay icons starting with Ethel Merman all the way to Reba McEntire. Somewhere along the way Judy Garland was supposed to play her in what would have been a true classic.Unfortunately, Judy was replaced by the wonderful Betty Hutton, who made the role her own–but she's no Judy. Betty's costumes are on display at the museum.
As well as many examples of Annie Oakley merchandise...
and actual photos and items belonging to real woman.
The Bold Caballeros/Noble Bandidas exhibit features some wonderful film posters and collectibles including some wild western women like BANDIT QUEEN!
And a good amount of CISCO KID objects including posters like this one featuring everyone's favorite gay, Latino Joker, Cesar Romero!
In this one, he's even got a GAY AMIGO!
The character was so popular with kids, that he even had his own comic book...
and cool toys like this kinda creepy mask.
Elsewhere in the museum you can see Kate Hepburn's costume from 1975's ROOSTER COGBURN.
And pieces of the set from Robert Altman's 1976  revisionist western BUFFALO BILL AND THE INDIANS OR SITTING BULL'S HISTORY LESSON.
Including this gorgeous backdrop featuring Buffalo Bill...
as played by a dreamy Paul Newman.A display on costumes designs also caught my eye...as did a homage to THELMA & LOUISE!
But to my surprise, among the hundreds of other Hollywood western props, photos and costumes and costumes I actually found a small exhibit on Homosexuality!Along with the poster and a costume from ZORRO, THE GAY BLADE...
Was a lobby card from...
"the gay cowboy movie". Now that's what I call a happy ending to a wonderful day out.