Jess Franco (1930-2013)

Sylvia Kristel (1952-2012)

The International Cave of Batwomen

As a follow-up to my post on DC Comics' Batwomen, here's a fun look at all the other Batwomen who have appeared in campy cult films over the years.

1966's THE WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN starring Katherine Victor. I've seen this (in 3-D) no less, and it's a giant bore.

From Mexico: 1968's LA MUJER MURCIELAGO aka THE BATWOMAN starring Maura Monti.

I believe this incarnation includes nudity, softcore sex and Mexican wrestlers.

The poster below is pretty awesome.

From The Philippines: 1972's BATWOMAN & ROBIN starring Robin Aristorenas.

This one also features Catwoman and key art that looks like it's directly take from a DC Comic.

And it even had a sequel (also from 1972): BATWOMAN & ROBIN MEET THE QUEEN OF THE VAMPIRES!

Love the oversized combined BATWOMAN AND ROBIN logo! I think I need to see these. Anybody out there have a bootleg copy to lend me?

The Abductors

Here's a "review" I first ran back in 2008. Warning: This movie review contains shocking female nudity! Imagine watching THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK - and after it's over you realize there's another film called STAR WARS that you didn't even  know about. Well, my friends, this has sadly happened to me. THE ABDUCTORS (1972, directed by Don Schain) is the sequel to GINGER (1971) and the prequel to GIRLS ARE FOR LOVING (1973)! If I only knew this going in, I would have preferred to watch the trilogy in order-but since I didn't, I'll ignore the first one (for now) and tell you all about Episode 2 in the adventures of Ginger Cartwright, secret agent. One part James Bond, two parts Russ Meyer, THE ABDUCTORS is soft-core porn at its best. While there is plenty of nudity (full frontal for every female character and a few of the unnattractive males) and plenty of simulated sex acts - there is actually a semi-coherent plot going on in this movie. Like Jackie Collins, I will italicize all the naughty parts. So here's the story: three cheerleaders are abducted and sold into white slavery. The End. Alright, there's a little more to it than that. First we see a naked beauty-pageant contestant getting tied up and put in a cage - and we know immediately what kind of a movie we are in for. Next, the aforementioned cheerleaders are ambushed by a trio of thugs and forced to strip to their panties while one of the thugs sets their convertible on fire. We notice how odd it is to see topless women with natural, un-altered breasts. A local investigator calls on the ever-braless Ginger to help crack the case of the missing girls. He gives her a stylish briefcase filled with all sorts of gadgets including tracking devices that can be swallowed! After deducing that all the kidnapped women were also featured in the local newspaper, Ginger (Cheri Caffaro, the best actress in the film - which isn't saying much) teams up with a stylish advertising exec (Richard Smedley) who agrees to help her in her investigation. Ginger introduces him to a sexy up-and-coming model named Carter Winston (Jennifer Brooks), who is really going undercover as a potential abductee.

Well, before you know it, Carter is kidnapped and the ad man is screwing Ginger on shang carpeting. After the loving, Ginger is taken hostage herself, while the three cheerleaders are sold to lonely businessmen, and they seem to enjoy it. But it's not over yet - there's a big, daring rescue scene and an "eye for an eye" revenge scene involving Ginger, the ringleader, bar of soap and a hot shower.

Despite some semi-disturbing bondage moments, the film is pretty watchable. With plenty of laugh-out-loud bad dialogue and wooden acting, THE ABDUCTORS does impress with several overlong helicopter and plane sequences as well as a groovy soundtrack (which seems to stop suddenly half-way through the film). Ginger's skimpy outfits and outrageous hairdos are fun, you can totally tell where the producers put most of their money. So if you want to see some silly, poorly-lit and unsexy T & A - THE ABDUCTORS is for you.

BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA

Since Danny gave such a fun review of BIG BAD MAMA, I asked him to share his comments on another MAMA movie classic. (This review is also from 2007) Take it away Danny... BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA aka WOMEN IN CHAINS (1972, Eddie Romero) simply put, starts out like an episode of CHARLIE'S ANGELS, but then withers into a JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS cartoon gone awfully awry. 

It begins with our heroines (Black Mama Pam Grier and White Mama Margaret Markov) arriving at the prison somewhere in Central America (although, for some reason most of the extras look Filipino!!!). They are soon treated to a shower where the "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" watches the girlie inmates shower and frolic, like that scene in PORKY'S. 

After freshening up, the girls all report to their bunks...and it turns out prison in Central America isn't so much punishment as it is a slumber party! The "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" calls on Black Mama that first night, but Pam clearly shows that she doesn't swing that way. This was way before THE L WORD, though I'm not sure she swings that way there either.

The story is totally different when White Mama goes to see miss "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" -  Pam calls her out on it and she simply replies, "you had you chance."  I agreed.  Then there were these two sets of bad guys and they wanted something or other from either White Mama or Black Mama...and they all seemed to really, really like the Filipino-looking extras.  

Anyway, for some reason the Mamas were being transferred (maybe to the Tea Party prison?), and we all knew something was going to go all wrong.  I was sure a tidal wave was gonna come and knock the bus over, thus releasing our heroines (I don't know, maybe it's because the location had that miniature look to it...) everyone else thought it would be a train wreck, like in THE FUGITIVE or an "accident" like in ANOTHER 48 HOURS, but nobody guessed it would be the old "yak in the road" ploy! 

Yeah, there's a yak and the bus stops and there's shooting and both mean lesbian matrons get shot dead (as usual)... and our heroines escape, chained together!!! Black Mama tugs on the chain and White Mama says, "I'm not a yo-yo!". Well, she's not!

So they fight, walk through a stream, wrestle, get attacked by a fat guy ( whom they kill and burn up) and lots of other stuff.
But most of all, they learn to get along. Meanwhile, those two sets of bad guys keep tracking them and wanting something from each of them while they continue to enjoy the Filipino girlie extras, of which there seems to be an endless supply. I hope they at least got paid in craft services.

So, finally one set of guys finds the girls, releases them from each other and takes them to a pier where the other set of guys is waiting!!! There's gun fire, things blow up good, Black Mama gets on a boat and White Mama is shot dead. Oops - did I give away the ending? Sorry. The End. Looking forward to the sequel, BLACK MAMA, BIG BAD WHITE MAMA!

Doug gives this one a 6 outta 10. Not great, but enjoyable in small doses.

Return to the Chicken Ranch...

I swear I'm not getting lazy...just really busy, okay?I was in the mood for a musical - so after perusing my vast collection, I decided on THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS! This 1982 adaptation of the Broadway smash (written and directed by Colin Higgins) was a box-office hit and is fondly remembered by fans of both Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds. I have not seen this film since it's theatrical release, so I decided to revisit it 25 years later (with an open mind). Oh yeah - it's based on a true story! Yee-ha!

Narrated by Jim Nabors as if he was hosting one of those Rankin-Bass Christmas specials, we learn all about the 150-year history of this "house of ill repute" through a rousing opening number, promising us that there's nothing dirty going on. I'm still amazed how happy, perky and clean the whores are...sadly, we never get to know any of them, they are just nameless ladies of the evening.

We soon meet our co-stars Burt & Dolly - At 46, Reynolds was still in pretty good post-Cosmo centerfold shape, and Dolly was at her peak following her stunning film debut in the comedy classic 9 TO 5 - and they do have a certain folksy chemistry. Reynolds plays Ed Earl, a sheriff and Dolly is Miss Mona, a madame who runs The Chicken Ranch - a very popular local brothel. These two have an ongoing affair and all seems pretty happy in whore-ville until we meet Houston-based peckerwood/electronic bounty hunter Melvin P. Thorpe (Dom DeLuise - looking slightly slimmer than usual), who stages a musical investigative report about the bordello on his "Watchdog Report" TV show.

Thorpe then brings his crusade to the town square and confronts Burt about taking payola and protecting the whores. Burt scares the be-jesus outta Thorpe and sends him packing (or so we think!). Burt celebrates by taking Dolly camping. They have a painfully long fireside heart-to-heart about spaceships, forgiveness, Jesus, politics, America, dreams, smiles, ballerinas, Dolly's tits, monogamy and other things whores routinely discuss with sheriffs.

The shit hits the fan later that night when Thorpe appears on the local 11:00 News with footage of Ed Earl cussing and firing a gun at him. The local gentry wants to calm the townfolk down and Burt agrees to talk to Dolly into closing down for two months. After a heated argument, Dolly agrees to shut it down. Only it's the day before the big Thanksgiving football game!!! The next day, the whores watch the game on TV as they decorate for the victory party and anticipate which team they are gonna get to screw.

Next up is the best locker room song & dance number ever filmed. Lots of jockstraps and fine naked asses, followed by shirtless shuffling in boxer shorts and tight jeans. Basically, it's Texas two-step night at Oil Can Harry's. And then the eventual bus ride to the Chicken Ranch. To create drama, the bus breaks down and the boys hitch a ride with an old geezer. Dolly and the whores are all awaiting - wearing prom gowns for the special occasion - but not for long! Luckily there was one black whore for the one black football player! (After all it is the south!) I strained my eyes to see if the Asian whore found a likewise Asian footballer. Couldn't tell. Then they all FUCK! Yay!

Jim Nabors shows up at Burt's and tells him that something dirty's going on at the Ranch even though Dolly promised. Of course, Thorpe shows up with camera crew and all hell breaks loose as half-naked whores and jocks battle Thorpe and his crew. What follows as another even more heated argument between Burt & Dolly - and Dolly accuses him of being a chicken-shit sheriff in a chicken-shit town!!! I love when Dolly uses swear words! Then he calls her a "whore" (which she is, kind of). Dolly later tells her housekeeper that she loves Burt. Awww...

The Chicken Ranch soon becomes a political hot potato as the townfolk and local politicos are divided about the issue. We soon meet Oscar-nominee Charles Durning, as the Governor - and his well-remembered musical tribute to political double-talk "Sidestep". The song is clever, reminding me of "One Foot In Front of Another" from SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN - but something about Durning singing and dancing gives me a feeling of anguish. Can't explain why.

Burt and the Governor debate about the Ranch - but Gov. Durning declares to "Shut it down" after a poll claims that's what his people want. They we are "treated" to another rendition of "Sidestep" - this time with a marching band! Burt calls Dolly - apologizes for the other night and tells her to close it down...leading to my favorite Dolly Parton song ever - "Hard Candy Christmas" and some of the whores actually get a bit of airtime as they bid farewell to the cathouse they call home. The girls wave goodbye and board a Greyhound outta whore-ville and Dolly is left alone with her housekeeper. Back to narration by Jim Nabors (who's now the sheriff!).

After Dolly learns that Ed Earl went to the Governer to defend her and the whores, he pays her a visit. He tells Dolly he loves her - and she tells him she's loved him since she was 16! Then Dolly sings her chestnut "I Will Always Love You" a million times better than Whitney Houston could ever sing it! Burt then proposes marriage to Dolly (which she accepts), even though that might endanger his chances to be elected as a state legislator (he is elected anyway, after all this IS Texas!). Happy Hollywood Ending!!!

Of course, the stage play and this film take many liberties in telling the story of the infamous Chicken Ranch. For a more accurate version of the story, visit The Chicken Ranch! The real Melvin P. Thorpe, Marvin Zindler died recently at age 86.

I give this one a big 8 out of 10 "Huhs?" just for the candy-coated fictionalization of a real news story and for Burt's horrible singing. But there's nothing dirty going on!

EVIL EYE

Sometimes a movie makes no sense whatsoever, but still is a hoot to watch. EVIL EYE aka MALOCCHIO (1974) is one of those films. Maybe something got lost in the translation, but this Italian/Spanish/Mexican concoction feels like three or four different movies edited together by a tagteam consisting of Stevie Wonder, Marlee Matlin and Corky from LIFE GOES ON.
It starts with movie #1 - a horror film- as a woman wearing a cape performs what looks like tai chi while robed figures are placing candles around a triangle. Then a guy wearing a red satin KKK hood & robe steps into the triangle and we see a photo of a very good-looking man. Cut to a freaky looking guy with colored contact lenses and the same good-looking guy dreaming that he is being hunted by a gaggle of totally nude people, who stand over him and groan, before breaking into one of those PBS modern dance specials from the 1970s.

Next is movie #2 - a breezy European sex comedy - a poorly dubbed woman named Talia is lounging on a waterbed in a room with a lamp that looks like a giant lightbulb. Her pet poodle is jumping all over the bed as if it really has to go for a walk. Talia is on the telephone, calling a man named Peter (the Mexican hunk Jorge Rivera). He is awakened by her call, only to find dozens of half-naked people sleeping all over his groovy house. It's like a scene from BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS. Annoyed by Talia's phonecall and his houseguests, Peter tells his butler Walter to "get rid of the bodies". Walter proceeds to blast a trippy disco LP to wake up the unwelcome guests. Peter then finds a sexy naked guy in his shower, and he turns out to be his British best friend Robbie. The two lounge on a big fluffy pink couch and chat - but Robbie dismisses Peter's disturbing dream. A kicky bossa nova melody accompanies Peter as he drives around Rome and into a fashion show where Talia is waiting for him. She tries to get it on with him, but he's too tired from driving around Rome listening to music. Meanwhile, Robbie is losing his shirt in a casino. He obviously has a gambling problem. Why do we need to know this?

Next we meet a French woman named Yvonne just couldn't sleep - she has got to speak to Peter. So she goes to see him. He pours himself a good stiff drink as she begs for his forgiveness. She says that her husband has been dead for a while and she's ready for Peter, even though she's heard about him being dangerous. Huh? Peter starts to feel her up, but suddenly he gets a flashback of the freaky guy from movie #1. Then Peter turns around and there's a thunderstorm! Lightning strikes, statues move, artwork falls off the walls, her eyes get all fucked up looking and he stares back at her with HIS evil eye...and strangles her!!! Then he wakes up in a short yellow robe, flashes back to the killing - but his house has been restored to the way it was before. Who could have done that? Meanwhile, Walter the butler is washing the car.

Movie #3 - a medical mystery movie - begins when we meet Doctors Stone and Turner. Stone is an old crusty guy and Turner is a hot young female. Peter tells the docs that it's as if he's awake and dreaming at the same time. Meanwhile, a detective who's name we never get (we'll call him McColumbo) discovers that Yvonne has been found dead - but her jewelry and money was not taken. Next is a truly disgusting scene where Peter and Talia shower together and brush their and each other's teeth at the same time - French kissing with mouths full of toothpaste while game show music plays on the soundtrack. Gross! Then Peter gets a crank phone call and tells Talia that he needs to get away for a while.

Movie #4 - a gothic ghost story - kicks in as Peter is driving down a long, dark, winding road when his car breaks down. Did I mention he is wearing a tie-dyed denim pantsuit? He arrives at a mysterious house where he is greeted by an old woman. It turns out that the master and mistress of the manor KNOW him. Of course their phone line is dead, so he'll have to stay with them a while. While the husband attempts to fix Peter's car, the wife turns down the lights and proceeds to fix Peter's penis. But then Peter notices a portrait on the wall and asks the wife who it is. She tells him that it's her husband's late aunt - the woman who answered the door!!! Then he strangles her...and her husband as the old woman watches and smiles. Okay, NOW this is getting creepy.

Back in movie #3, Dr. Stone comes to see Peter and thinks he's hiding something - so he demands a full physical examination. Meaning, naked. He puts him on tanning bed and x-rays his head. He tells Dr. Turner that Peter is clinically perfect, but somehow unbalanced. He needs rest. Then Talia comes to see him , and has a bitchy confrontation with Dr. Turner, all while sunny, romantic music plays in the background. Meanwhile, the most annoying ambulance you've ever heard speeds by. We see a little dog tied up in the woods, and nearby they discover the decaying body of the old woman from movie #4. Ewwwww...

McColumbo's Joan Collins lookalike wife tries to paint a portrait of him as he tells her about the recent murders. She thinks evil spirits are responsible. Whatever. Soon Dr. Turner finds Peter waiting for her - smoking cigarettes in a hospital room. Nice. He tells her that he's written a prescription for himself - dinner with her. And then the cigarettes begin to move by themselves in the ashtray. Huh???

So Peter and Dr. Turner have a romantic dinner as he continues to sport his very tight tie-died denim jeans. Then they slow dance in the moonlight...leading to fornication in hot red lighting while the cigarettes dance and fly out of the ashtray. Peter sneaks back into the clinic in the morning and a nurse hands him a letter. Then he dreams about the naked groaning people again - this time they are trying to touch him. He wakes up slightly upset. (see photo).

Peter tells Dr. Stone that there are people who are killers, but they don't have hands - so they are using him to kill. He asks to be locked up. So he is locked up - wearing incredibly tight beige polyester slacks. Suddenly he goes all CARRIE - as everything in the hospital is thrown around. Confusion ensues.

Back to movie #2 - a naked pool party/orgy is going on, but a sudden downpour moves the festivities indoors. Peter shows up at the house (I guess he escaped from the hospital) to have a talk with Robbie. It seems that since we last saw Robbie, he has inherited money and a house. Good for him! But Peter claims that Robbie killed someone to get his newfound fortune. He says the victim told him. So I guess Peter can talk to dead people??? Then Robbie's dead too. Oh well.

In a scene that makes no sense whatsoever, Peter is walking home and a truck drives past him. Suddenly a rock flies up from the street and shatters a nearby window. HUH??? Meanwhile, McColumbo grills the orgy goers lightly about Robbie's death - and then immediately tells them all to leave. Peter continues to walk through the streets of Rome as pretty piano music plays. He finally returns home to find Walter in bed with a haggish woman! Walter knows all about the the murders - he's been covering up for Peter and is now blackmailing him!!! The plot really thickens. I think.

Peter shows up all unshaven and sexy at Dr. Turner's - and she's convinced he's innocent. She tells Dr. Stone that Walter may be behind Peter's problems, and she is going to take him under her care. Walter and his hag are waiting for Peter to return - with blackmail money. The hag thinks Peter is gonna kill them, so she tries to get away. Walter then smashes her over the head with a liquor bottle, and reports her death to the police as "another murder". Looks like butler did it!!!

Dr. Turner brings Peter to her family's secluded cabin in the woods. Is this movie #5? A sexy Spanish telenovela? He lights a fire as she fixes dinner, and they talk about Dr. Stone and the fact that had an affair with Peter's mother. Could Dr. Stone be Peter's father? Maybe...maybe not.

McColumbo shows up at Peter's house only to find the hag dead on the floor while Walter is spitting up frogs in the next room. Yes. Spitting up frogs. Then a gun falls off a shelf and shoots and kills Walter. Huh???

Peter once again is sleeping restlessly, dreaming about nudists. Dr. Turner wakes him up and tells him the nightmares are NOT real. But she is...and the soapy music soars. Oh yeah, McColumbo tries to make a phone call, but something has been effecting his hearing. Oh - and there's a subplot about a piece of jewelry that I've forgotten about too...not sure if it's an earring or a keychain.

So then Peter (dreams that he?) sees Dr. Turner beheaded on a train track. Okay.

So, McColumbo spots two guys beating up a woman near a construction site - and he goes to help her. Only a crane full of cinderblocks is hanging overhead. He rolls the woman over and she is a smiling ghoul - just then the cinderblocks begin to fall towards him. He rolls out of the way just in time - but she is crushed! When he goes to inspect her dead body, he finds nothing but the gem!!!

Back in the cabin, Dr. Turner plays a record for Peter ("Tom Jones or Beethoven?"). While back in Rome, McColumbo confronts Dr. Stone. He asks him, "Who are you? What do you want?" Peter gets pissy with Doc Turner, tells her he doesn't want to be her guinea pig. Then they pop pills together and the romantic music soars! After sex, Doc Turner asks Peter for a cigarette - so he goes upstairs to get them - but the door locks behind him. He throws a chair and kicks at the door, but it's no use. Downstairs, an image of the ghoul woman appears and causes the record player to freak out, forcing an LP to fly across the room and floor tiles to begin to move.

McColumbo races towards the house , but his car breaks down. Of course! Somehow Peter and Dr. Turner have managed to escape the cabin and head towards "the light" in her light blue VW. Only the road has plenty of blind curves and Herbie goes flying off a cliff. What???

THEN...we hear a voice say "Let's go back" and we see Peter waking up again just like the beginning of movie #2. Holy shit!
I mean, really -Holy shit! What did this all mean? Was it all a dream? What about the gem? What's the deal with Dr. Stone? Talia? Her poodle? The red-hooded guy at the beginning? Were they witches? Satanists? Vampires? Aliens? Scientologists? It just doesn't add up...or matter much cause every minute of EVIL EYE was amazing and craptastic! 9 outta 10.

THE GORE GORE GIRLS

I asked my friend Danny to contribute a couple of guest reviews to my blog because our shared love for these movies. I happened to be in the very same room with Danny as he watched these treasures, so it's almost if my words are coming out of his fingers. But not quite...

A pretty woman sits fondling one strand of her somewhat pretty hair.  Then, a figure appears behind her and smashes her head against the mirror, over and over again!  At times it's so brutal the head almost looks  like a mannequin's!  Then the gloved black hand smooshes her face and grabs her eye out! ...and so begins our feature THE GORE GORE GIRLS! (1972, directed hy HG Lewis).

This is how it goes... Uhm, this Go Go girl is murdered, so saucy novice-girl reporter, Nancy Weston goes to -we're never really sure who he is or what he does- Abraham Gentry.  All we do know about him is that he uses his cane like a third hand and the cane has magical powers, like it can knock down a burly bouncer with one weak swing. 
Anyway, this Gentry guy is special too, he's like a chameleon, 'cause when we first see him he's blended into his couch so well, he needs to put on a vest so that we can see him. MAGIC!!!! 

Anyway, the newspaper hires him to solve the murders and he sets out to do just that.  Before he gets very far in his investigation, a go-go girl watches herself in the mirror as she gyrates and undulates, topless, while chewing bubble gum.  Then  the  black-clad figure appears and shoves her face in the mirror and slits her throat as she's mid bubble. 
The bubble fills with blood (actually, I thought that was kind of cool) and then the figure stabs her more and tears out her eye, then puts the eye back, then stabs the eye with the knife... I was confused.  Apparently so was the killer. 

So Nancy and Abraham show up to the murder scene before the cops and Nancy passes out at the sight of the body and Abraham walks into the dead girl's kitchen, grabs a huge can of 7-Up and pours it on her to wake  Nancy  up.  Then he goes back to the titty bar where all the waitresses are really c*nty and switch work uniforms every time they leave a table. 
We get a glimpse of our first suspect, a guy what looks like the big guy who played Bluto in the POPEYE movie.  Yeah, he sits at the bar all day smashing up fresh fruit after drawing faces on 'em.  I don't know much about detective work, but I'd say, "That's a clue! That, or he's gonna make a smoothie. 

Anyway, Abraham interviews the bartender, who get's out of his duties by uttering my favorite line of the night, "Hey, Charlie, Take over. I gotta take a shit!"  So all this exposition stuff happens, then some more go go girls are killed.  Like these two; one's ironing while making french fries (as we all do), then the black figure slits her throat and then irons her face, both the left and the right side, for an even scorch. Then mutilates the face, plays with the eye, smooshes the eye..., then there's scissors and they are applied to the nipples, where one is snipped and milk pours out and is caught in an appropriate cocktail glass, then the other is snipped and CHOCOLATE milk spews out and caught in a glass and the killer clinks the glasses together in a toast.  Then, her roommate walks in, then finds her own face in the boiling french fry grease, so hot that her eyes pop out, then (that thing with the face)... Then Mrs. Garrett comes in, sees the mutilated girls and screams, then two other older women come in and shake Mrs. Garrett to find out what she's screaming about Tootie and Blair (Not that Blair would ever do her own ironing...) and she just screams and screams.  We watched that bit four times.  I'm just wondering who these three older women were who were bunking with two stripper girls.

Oh yeah, somewhere in there, while a go-go girl is dancing,  Prudy Pingleton comes in with a group of girls, protesting the stripperness of their lives, carrying signs that I think included "Quit with tit!". 
All hell breaks loose and ANOTHER girl goes home, gets topless, takes a cucumber out of the fridge and rubs it around her face, then looks up to ask her apparently 9 foot  tall  assailant, "What are YOU doing here?"  Then the black-clad figure slits her throat, turns her over and kills her by pounding her exposed tushy with a meat tenderizer. 

Finally getting clever, Abraham convinces Henny Youngman(!) to hold an amateur stripper contest where he knows, the killer will be present, the novice reporter Nancy will get drunk and storm on to the stage and strip and get the attention of the killer, who will follow them home and try to kill Nancy, if not for winning the contest, then simply for being an annoyingly bad actress.  Which is exactly what happens.  Abraham puts drunk Nancy down on the sofa and pretends to leave.  The black-clad figure comes to kill Nancy with Acid! FROM POLAND!
As if acid weren't bad enough, it had to be FROM POLAND!

Then Abraham reveals his presence, the killer is revealed to be the c*nty waitress.  She breaks the grasp of his cane and jumps out the window, where she falls onto the street and her head is smashed under a car tire.  Then for another ten minutes, Abraham reveals the reason C*nty C*ntman was killing the girls, which I won't get into here.  Suffice it to say she was a wrestler who got burned. I think the best part about it was that Henny Youngman turned in a breakthrough performance as a sleazy strip-joint owner who tells really bad jokes.  The end!

Doug's footnote: Plus look for a cameo by Latin-American singer Vicki Carr!!! 10 out of 10 "Huh?"s for damn sure!

SINS OF RACHEL

If John Waters directed a murder mystery with Edith Massey as the murder victim, it would be SINS OF RACHEL. This twisted 1973 ultra-low budget whodunnit takes place in the picturesque setting of Lake Elsinore, CA - a quaint town littered with fine boutiques!

Rachel Waring (played by Massey doppelganger Ann Noble), a plus-sized, terminally bitter, washed-up nightclub entertainer has returned to her hometown to write her memoirs, which promise to reveal the sinful secrets of many people in the small town - basically PEYTON PLACE. But Rachel also has some sinful secrets herself - including an inappropriate relationship with her studly young son, Jimmy! (Sin #1) In addition, we soon learn that slutty Rachel had an affair with a local married doctor (Sin #2) - who soon became a widower.

Meanwhile, Peter - the doctor's son -a violent, often-shirtless, motorcycle-riding ex-con (who knows Kung Fu) has also returned to Lake Elsinore. He blames shrew-ish Rachel for his mother's death. (Sin #3). The plot thickens! Next we meet Hank, who Rachel seduces... with the help of some cash. (Sin #4).

Then there's Reverend Taylor and his daughter, Shirley. Shirley pines for Jimmy. The Rev. loathes Jimmy. Shirley loathes Rachel. Jimmy loathes himself. Turns out Jimmy might be gay - and who's gonna help him find out if he is? How about our shirtless drifter Peter? Remember, Peter laothes Jimmy's mom, Rachel (the Sinner). There's alot of loathing going on in Lake Elsinore - especially when somebody ends up preggers!

All these sudsy soap opera plots would normally be a lot of fun, but whenever Noble isn't on screen, the whole affair becomes a giant snooze. Noble (who also wrote script) is so unusual that you can't look away. She's got a Mrs. Slocombe/Mrs. Naugatuck/Sister George/tragic drag queen thing going on. The supporting actors all actually make her look good, which I guess is the job of a supporting actor.

So Rachel ends up dead - she's a big bloody pile of wig and blood. Detective Jennings intends find out who killed her and why, after all he was helping her write her memoirs!

I've waited a long time to see this flick because the trailer looked so good (the way it keeps showing tighter and tighter close-ups of Rachel's bloodied face is genius) - but I have to say I was greatly disappointed. Except for the amazing Tom Jones- inspired theme song - and some brilliantly wacky dialogue about wanting an abortion, SINS OF RACHEL is sinfully dull. Whodunnit? Who cares? Rent THE LAST OF SHEILA instead. I hate to do it, but 6 out 10 "Huhs?" for the lady.

Something Weird has packaged it with the equally awful SHE-MAN.

THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS

I was in the mood for a musical tonight - so after perusing my vast collection, I decided on THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS! This 1982 adaptation of the Broadway smash (written and directed by Colin Higgins) was a box-office hit and is fondly remembered by fans of both Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds. I have not seen this film since it's theatrical release, so I decided to revisit it 25 years later (with an open mind). Oh yeah - it's based on a true story! Yee-ha!

Narrated by Jim Nabors as if he was hosting one of those Rankin-Bass Christmas specials, we learn all about the 150-year history of this "house of ill repute" through a rousing opening number, promising us that there's nothing dirty going on. I'm still amazed how happy, perky and clean the whores are...sadly, we never get to know any of them, they are just nameless ladies of the evening.

We soon meet our co-stars Burt & Dolly - At 46, Reynolds was still in pretty good post-Cosmo centerfold shape, and Dolly was at her peak following her stunning film debut in the comedy classic 9 TO 5 - and they do have a certain folksy chemistry. Reynolds plays Ed Earl, a sheriff and Dolly is Miss Mona, a madame who runs The Chicken Ranch - a very popular local brothel. These two have an ongoing affair and all seems pretty happy in whore-ville until we meet Houston-based peckerwood/electronic bounty hunter Melvin P. Thorpe (Dom DeLuise - looking slightly slimmer than usual), who stages a musical investigative report about the bordello on his "Watchdog Report" TV show.

Thorpe then brings his crusade to the town square and confronts Burt about taking payola and protecting the whores. Burt scares the be-jesus outta Thorpe and sends him packing (or so we think!). Burt celebrates by taking Dolly camping. They have a painfully long fireside heart-to-heart about spaceships, forgiveness, Jesus, politics, America, dreams, smiles, ballerinas, Dolly's tits, monogamy and other things whores routinely discuss with sheriffs.

The shit hits the fan later that night when Thorpe appears on the local 11:00 News with footage of Ed Earl cussing and firing a gun at him. The local gentry wants to calm the townfolk down and Burt agrees to talk to Dolly into closing down for two months. After a heated argument, Dolly agrees to shut it down. Only it's the day before the big Thanksgiving football game!!! The next day, the whores watch the game on TV as they decorate for the victory party and anticipate which team they are gonna get to screw.

Next up is the best locker room song & dance number ever filmed. Lots of jockstraps and fine naked asses, followed by shirtless shuffling in boxer shorts and tight jeans. Basically, it's Texas two-step night at Oil Can Harry's. And then the eventual bus ride to the Chicken Ranch. To create drama, the bus breaks down and the boys hitch a ride with an old geezer. Dolly and the whores are all awaiting - wearing prom gowns for the special occasion - but not for long! Luckily there was one black whore for the one black football player! (After all it is the south!) I strained my eyes to see if the Asian whore found a likewise Asian footballer. Couldn't tell. Then they all FUCK! Yay!

Jim Nabors shows up at Burt's and tells him that something dirty's going on at the Ranch even though Dolly promised. Of course, Thorpe shows up with camera crew and all hell breaks loose as half-naked whores and jocks battle Thorpe and his crew. What follows as another even more heated argument between Burt & Dolly - and Dolly accuses him of being a chicken-shit sheriff in a chicken-shit town!!! I love when Dolly uses swear words! Then he calls her a "whore" (which she is, kind of). Dolly later tells her housekeeper that she loves Burt. Awww...

The Chicken Ranch soon becomes a political hot potato as the townfolk and local politicos are divided about the issue. We soon meet Oscar-nominee Charles Durning, as the Governor - and his well-remembered musical tribute to political double-talk "Sidestep". The song is clever, reminding me of "One Foot In Front of Another" from SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN - but something about Durning singing and dancing gives me a feeling of anguish. Can't explain why.

Burt and the Governor debate about the Ranch - but Gov. Durning declares to "Shut it down" after a poll claims that's what his people want. They we are "treated" to another rendition of "Sidestep" - this time with a marching band! Burt calls Dolly - apologizes for the other night and tells her to close it down...leading to my favorite Dolly Parton song ever - "Hard Candy Christmas" and some of the whores actually get a bit of airtime as they bid farewell to the cathouse they call home. The girls wave goodbye and board a Greyhound outta whore-ville and Dolly is left alone with her housekeeper. Back to narration by Jim Nabors (who's now the sheriff!).

After Dolly learns that Ed Earl went to the Governer to defend her and the whores, he pays her a visit. He tells Dolly he loves her - and she tells him she's loved him since she was 16! Then Dolly sings her chestnut "I Will Always Love You" a million times better than Whitney Houston could ever sing it! Burt then proposes marriage to Dolly (which she accepts), even though that might endanger his chances to be elected as a state legislator (he is elected anyway, after all this IS Texas!). Happy Hollywood Ending!!!

Of course, the stage play and this film take many liberties in telling the story of the infamous Chicken Ranch.
For a more accurate version of the story, visit The Chicken Ranch! The real Melvin P. Thorpe, Marvin Zindler died this past summer at 86.

I give this one a big 8 out of 10 "Huhs?" just for the candy-coated fictionalization of a real news story and for Burt's horrible singing. But there's nothing dirty going on!

THE TEACHER

Former child star Jay North (DENNIS THE MENACE) is all grown up and sporting bad Oompa-Loompa hair in this wacky 1974 soft-core skinflick/stalker film. Filled with John Waters-caliber acting and many topless shots of the beautiful Angel Tompkins - this "grindhouse" melodrama is highly watchable.

It's THE SUMMER OF 42 meets THE FAN (The great Lauren Bacall movie, not the crappy Robert DeNiro one) as sexy high school teacher Diane (Tompkins) seduces her student/neighbor Sean (North) much to the chagrin of a crazed Vietnam vet stalker named Ralph (who looks like the fucked-up love child of Michael Jackson and Tommy Tune).

It all starts off very innocently as a Eydie Gorme soundalike warbles a ridiculous theme song over the opening credits, but things soon get out of hand when Ralph's brother (and Sean's best friend) is accidentally killed while the boys are watching Diane sunbathe on her boat. Ralph blames Sean for the death and decides to make his life miserable - trying to kill him for the next 90 minutes.

Sean's parents steal the movie with their horrible acting, outrageous polyester clothes and garishly decorated San Fernando Valley home. The mother's lady friends and local restaurant customers are also fun to watch.

Jay North is much cuter here than as Dennis (and less annoying), spending much of his time in his undies, short shorts or bathing suits. He somehow manages to stay dressed for all his sex scenes - or hidden behind an umbrella!

THE TEACHER (directed by Howard Avedis) is available on DVD as part of the "Welcome to the Grindhouse Collection". It's packaged with a another bizarre softcore flicked called THE PICKUP, which is essentially a twisted T & A travelogue through the Florida everglades. Watch with caution...it gets pretty disturbing. The added bonus trailers are worth the price of the rental alone. Rating: 8 outta 10 "huhs".