ALL MY CHILDREN 1970-2011, 2012?-?

Parents: Demand the Best for Your Child!

Two curious ads found in local TV GUIDEs.

SMALL WONDER on DVD Today!

For the past two weekends, while millions of people watched mundane stuff like the Grammys (yawn!) and the Super Bowl (whatever), I sat with a diverse group of 20-, 30- and 40something gay friends and watched back-to-back episodes of SMALL WONDER. If you have to ask why, then you don’t know Dougsploitation very well.

“She’s fantastic, made of plastic, microchips here and there . . . she’s a Small Wonder!”

Yes, SMALL WONDER the only sitcom about a humanoid robot . . . played by a ten-year-old girl. I’ve blogged about this series before, but only based on my vague memories of the show. Having now revisited it, with my friends as my witnesses – I can truly say that this series is so genius in it’s ineptitude and epic in it’s inappropriateness, that it truly transcends anything bad that has been said about it. The show revels in it’s own sitcomishness and provides belly laughs that could only be appreciated now in retrospect.

The show is built around the Lawson family, whose patriarch is fey scientist father Ted Lawson (Dick Christie – cross between John Ritter and Skip Stephenson) who brings home his top secret invention, a Voice Input Child Identicant or V.I.C.I.! V.I.C.I., as portrayed by Tiffany Brissette, is so much like a real human girl that everyone thinks she is, despite her odd speech patterns and inability to perform common tasks without taking the instructions literally. V.I.C.I.’s presence turns the Lawsons’ lives upside down when the child/object forces them into one embarrassing situation after another.

Luckily Ted’s annoying boss, Mr. Brindle is also his nosy next-door neighbor – so there’s plenty of contrived, stolen-from-familiar-classic-sitcom-mishaps to be had. The family decides to pass off “Vickie” as a real child – at first their niece and eventually their adopted daughter. Ted’s anorexically thin wife Joan (Marla Pennington – a cross between Florence Henderson, Shelley Long and a curtain rod) can’t help doting on Vickie like the daughter she never had. Mom’s atrocious 1980s outfits and megathick belts provide lots of laughs. Oh, and she does NOTHING except housework and bitching about not getting enough sex.

Feminized son Jamie (Jerry Supiran) feels misplaced and uses Vickie as a servant to help him sail through life easier. Oddly, the Lawsons continue to force Vickie to sleep in Jamie’s toy closet and wear the same outfit even though they treat her more and more like a real family member.

Redheaded stalkerish Cabbage Patch Doll lookalike Harriet (Emily Schulman) provides comedy, but I feel sorry for the tyke who is forced to deliver cringe-worthy dialogue as a set-up for being constantly insulted by other kids and adults alike. Harriet’s mom is played by lovable sitcom veteran Edie McClurg, who adds a nice touch of professionalism to the whole affair. Actually, the only touch of professionalism.

While watching the show, I took note of some of the many improper lines of dialogue spoken between various characters. This is a just a sampling from episodes 1-6:

“I just gave her a taste of my chocolate milkshake.”

“If she was a real girl, we'd need another bathroom.”

“I'll fix that - Vickie - stand up and turn around.”

“We have an important part for you - turn around & bend over.”

“Rodney is cute, he turns me on.”

“I hope you don’t mind me coming in your back door.”

I also took note that the Set Dressers have either slyly or innocently included some form of rainbow artwork into every episode. Watch for yourself, and take a drink every time you spot one. You’ll be hammered in under an hour.

The show ran for five seasons, and has since withstood the test of time to emerge as a classic neon beacon of ’80s nostalgia and pop culture. SMALL WONDER: The Complete First Season, debuts on DVD today via the fine folks at Shout! Factory. Along with all 24 episodes (in original broadcast order) there are bonus features including commentary from the not nearly as clueless as you might think cast and crew.

I have one copy to give away to the SMALL WONDER fan who answers this trivia question first: What do the Lawson’s do to pass Vickie off as a real girl for her adoption physical?

THE DOUGLAS MICHAEL SHOW with Terri Simmons

Regular readers of this here blog may be aware that I'm one of the producers of a little web sensation called PRETTY. PRETTY is the continuing story of the Champagne family and their quest for the crown in the Miss Star Eyes Pageant - a child beauty pageant. Their daughter Annette is five years old, but due to a sudden growth spurt, she looks about 29+. Episode two premiered earlier this week and introduced us to pageant director Parker Kensington Parker, played by today's guest: the lovely Terri Simmons.

Doug: Howdy Terri! First of all how could you NOT laugh when saying your character’s name?

Terri Simmons: I LOVE saying Parker’s name. I can’t even THINK her name without feeling like I am in control of the world. It gives me a huge sense of power.

D: Yes - she's pure power. I love the character of Parker because she’s such a “soap opera diva.” Her name, her clothing, her hair – she could be at home at Pine Valley, Port Charles or even Salem. Did that dawn on you at all when you were playing her?

TS: Oh, absolutely! I was left alone a lot as a child, and I watched soap operas constantly. I was a very literal child and thought that the characters were real people, that Pine Valley was a real town. I cried in my room for two days when Jenny died in a jetski accident on ALL MY CHILDREN.

D: Poor Jenny. I don't think she's ever came back from the dead. I may be wrong though. Back to Parker. Have you ever met anyone like Parker? Did you base your performance on anyone you know?

TS: Well, I was raised in a small East Texas town, so OF COURSE I know people like Parker and I love them! My family is full of Parker Kensington Parkers (feel the power)! I think Parker is a cross between my mother (“Babes”), my fifth grade teacher Mrs. Cash (kept me after school to tell me I was fat like I didn’t know that already) and Jane Lynch from GLEE.

D: I've worked with Jane. She's a wonderful person and actress and I am so happy for her success. Back to Parker. I also love that Parker is an avid scrap booker, because when I was purchasing art department supplies at the local scrapbook store for PRETTY, the woman who ran it told me that SHE was a former child beauty pageant contestant! Have you ever scrapbooked?

TS: I am a horrible scrapbooker! I have an obsessive compulsive personality and I’m very detail-oriented, so it takes me 8 hours to do one page! I’d rather be outside hiking, water skiing, riding a Harley or building something with tools.

D: I may have to tutor you in scrapbooking for season 2. Speaking of season 2, I would like to see a flashback of Parker from her pageant days. How do you imagine that would look?

TS: Funny you should ask! I actually have pictures of myself from when I was in the Miss Nacogdoches pageant back in my college days, and I’m thinking that’s what Parker would have looked like back then. I did it on a dare, and when it was over the judge pulled me aside and told me to drop some weight, take a drama class and come back next year. I’m thinking Parker would have punched him in the nose and then taken all of the other loser contestants out for beer.

D: That's hysterical! Miss Nacogdoches - LOVE it! I ask these questions of most of my interview guests. If you could be on any comedy show (from all of TV history) which would it be? And who are your comedy heroes?

TS: I love the classics. I would love to have been on MARY TYLER MOORE, BOB NEWHART, or THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW. My comedy heroes are Lucille Ball, Carol Burnett, Gilda Radner, Tina Fey, Ellen DeGeneres…so many.

D: I love 'em all too. I get CAROL BURNETT SHOW cravings every once in a while. Thank heaven for YouTube! So after PRETTY, what’s up next for Terri?

TS: Oh wow! I’m having so much fun being PRETTY, that I can’t imagine what’s next!!

D: Well, maybe the casting director from GLEE will see PRETTY and cast you as Jane's sister?
How cool would that be?

D: Thanks for the chat Terri, see ya soon!

TS: Thanks very much, Doug!! xoxo

James Mitchell 1920-2010