A NEW KIND OF LOVE

In August 2009, as part of the SO BAD THEY'RE BRILLIANT film festival - I went to see the Diana Ross melodrama MAHOGANY, followed by a curiosity called A NEW KIND OF LOVE co-starring the usually great Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward.

What the hell were they thinking? Casting Oscar-winning supercouple, the usually charming Newman and ordinarily lovely Woodward in a fluffy screwball romantic comedy in the Doris Day / Rock Hudson mold? You would think that at least Paul and Joanne would have great on-screen chemistry and a knack for comic timing - but you would be dead wrong. Romantique? Oui? Non!
A NEW KIND OF LOVE (1963, directed by Melville Shavelson) starts out on a misogynistic foot with an overlong sequence comparing women shoppers to a herd of stampeding cows. Excusez-moi?Things only get worse from there as we meet Joanne's Samantha Blake, a butched up manhating "half-maiden" (whatever that means) who works for a department store as a spy who aids in producing knock-offs of expensive fashions (ala mode) for the everyday gal. The wonderful Thelma Ritter steals the show as Sam's old maid wise-cracking man-hungry coworker Leena. Merveilleux!
Sam's boss, penny-pinching department store head Mr. Joe Bergner (George Tobias, better known as BEWITCHED's Abner Kravitz) decides that the menage à trois needs to go directly to Paris to steal haute couture from the source. Unfortunately the film's budget only allowed their doubles to go to Paris, so anytime we see anyone in Paris they are either super-imposed in front of a screen or shot from about a mile away. Bon voyage!
Newman is cast as a sexist (and sexy) journalist Steve Sherman who can't stop screwing every woman he meets - which lands him in deep excrément when he mistakenly beds his boss' wife. The results? He is exiled to Paris via SAS Airlines! Can you guess where this is going? En garde!Paul and Joanne have a few awkward encounters when he mistakes her for a man and she calls him on his drinking and sexist ways. Hungarian sexpot Eva Gabor comes along and joins Thelma Ritter in competition for Mr. Bergner's affection for champagne and French Onion Soup, bringing the moribund story back to life everytime they appear. Ambiance!
We learn that Sam really doesn't hate men, she was just burned once and decided to cut her hair and dress unattractively to spite them all. What follows next is an odd religious ceremony overseen by ancient French icon Maurice Chevalier (who does an endless medley of his songs).
What I've learned that apparently on Saint Catherine’s Day (November 25 of each year), couture houses in Paris throw Catherinette parties for all unmarried women over the age of 25. The women are forced wear exotic hats in Saint Catherine’s colors, yellow and green and run through the streets of Paris like raving lunatics looking for men, sort of what the Red Hat Society does in the US today. Oh la la!
In the weirdest sequence in the entire film, Sam, drunk on booze and Chevalier songs, says a prayer to a statue of St. Catherine and the statue tells her to go to Elizabeth Arden for a makeover. For real. Sacrebleu!

So, Sam does this and through a montage we see her transform from a tomboy into a ridiculous drag queen named Mimi. Mimi winds up at an outdoor cafe where concentration camp survivor/TV actor Robert Clary pimps her out as a call girl to - you guessed it - Steve! Aidez-moi!So Steve decides to do a series of articles about the prostitutes of Paris and his subject is our "half-maiden" Sam. She decides to play along with the charade, feeding Steve stories from CAMILLE. When she runs out of ideas, she relays one of of Eva Gabor's sordid tales. Silly and poorly-executed fantasy sequences play out featuring Sam/Mimi and Steve. Au Gratin!

Through a series of wacky occurances, Mr. Bergner gets engaged to Eva, then after her tawdry past resurfaces in Steve's article - the engagement is off, so Steve fixes Mr. Bergner up with Sam/Mimi! In the end, Steve figures out what Sam is up to and after threatening to strangle and punch her, decides to French kiss her and declare that he wants her to be the mother of his children. S'il vous plait!
And poor Leena finally gets Mr. Bergner to notice her after 15 years and they decide to go out for Fench Onion soup. Bon Apetit!

Overall, A NEW KIND OF LOVE an unappealing mishmosh with poor pacing, flat dialogue, unfunny jokes and terrible editing choices. Seek it out only to see what happens when great actors make poor choices or if you are into the fashion, wigs and look of 1963 Paris. I wonder what the French thought of this film? Au revoir!

SUPERCHICK

As a Friday the 13th treat, here's a post I originally ran 4 years ago...when I had time to "review" movies...

From the title and poster one would assume that SUPERCHICK was either a WONDER WOMAN parody or a white FOXY BROWN knockoff. In reality, SUPERCHICK has a lot more in common with THE HAPPY HOOKER. A few minutes into the story, we quickly learn that the "joke" of this movie is that things aren't always as they first appear. For instance, at first we see a sexy brunette stewardess...but soon she disappears into a phone booth...and emerges as a sexy blonde in a Black Canary costume. 

Unfortunately the black fishnets do not cover her bruised legs. Ouch. Next we think we are seeing drinks being poured in an elegant restaurant, but the camera pulls back to reveal: it's a bathtub in a fancy suite owned by a brain surgeon who has Thomas Gainsboro "Blue Boy" hanging over his toilet. 

So here we learn that Superchick is sleeping with him in this yellow wallpaper and shag carpeting paradise. I think he asks her to marry him, but I'm not sure since my notes are kinda sloppy tonight. She tells the good doctor - "I feel like an Avon Lady in Sun City." Huh???

From there we see Tom Jones (really Tony Young from POLICEWOMEN as Johnny) in bed with a topless woman who looks like a big-titted Barbara Barrie in her BARNEY MILLER days (actually it's porn legend Candy Samples!). 

Soon Superchick aka Tara B. True arrives in Miami in her stewardess guise. Meanwhile, Johnny puts on a sexy stripe sweater and goes to meet with the Gay Mafia who dress in red and mustard.

They look like plastic condiment dispensers. Johnny gets pissed at them and as they drive away in their fancy car he yells "Fags!" Tara next turns up on Johnny's boat wearing only a fishing net with "floats" on her tits, vagina and ass. Then we think we see skidmarks on Johnny's tighty whities as he mounts her.

This is followed by an endless montage of them doing Miami type things like running on the beach, water skiing, playing tennis, dancing, gambling and drinking. When Johnny asks her to marry him she makes up some Shakespeare quote.

Then Johnny parks in "the white zone" at the airport - and Tara's back in her stewardess uniform (we learn she works for Crown International Airlines - a clever play on the company that distributed the film). 

On the plane, she offers a drink to a rude old man and then fucks a cute marine in the airplane restroom. She arrives at LAX and is greeted by another boyfriend - this one's a rock star who looks like he possibly has Down's Syndrome. Next she's kicking ass in karate class. Huh?

At this point one of my co-viewers declares "I've got no idea what is going on!!!" The rest of us are also confused, so we decide to recount everything that has happened so far...

1) A stewardess gets into a phonebooth and changes.

2) She's brunette, and then she's blonde.

3) She's eating dinner in a bathtub discussing fine art.

4) She flew to Miami.

5) She met the Tom Jones lookalike who was fucking a cow.

6) Tom loses money on dog races and hates fags.

7) He's either a drunk or just tired from the Miami montage

8) She flew to LA to meet the Down's Syndrome guy

9) Oh, she fucked a marine on the plane

10) Oh, she quotes Shakespeare, we think.

11) She met a Chinese guy played by a Hawaiian actor.

We conclude that there is a difference between "actual plot" and "things happening". I think we're all caught up now. But nothing explains this new guy who looks like Norm McDonald playing Burt Reynolds. Then somebody in the movie (I don't remember who) says "Holy shit!" to the camera. He ain't kidding!

At this point, I decide to Google our lead actress Joyce Jillson -pwho turns out to be Joyce Jillson - celebrity astrologer. Joyce was an author of a nationally syndicated astrology column which appeared in nearly 200 newspapers including the LA Times and the NY Daily News! She also was Ronald Reagan's official psychic!!! administration! She died in 2004. Wow...Who knew?

Back to the movie - and her big white stewardess bag. Soon a black guy pays special attention to her. Next we see a woman being whipped - but it's not what you think - it's the set of a porn movie! Tensions are high, especially when the porn actress calls her male lead a "fag". Tara then gets advice from the leading lady "to get into Show Business, you gotta SHOW your BUSINESS!"

Next Tara's at a wild hippy party which looks like it's at a disco - but the camera pulls back to reveal - it's somebody's house! Here she and the black dude, let's call him "Jimi Hendrix", finally hook up as he offers her a joint. (There's even a Hendrix poster on the wall behind them) So then they have a deep moment as she sips a Tab from a straw. 

Things get out of hand when the "heat freaks" (aka "cops") show up and bust everyone, but Tara changes back into her stewardess get-up and escapes. Then she gets "flashed". I think.

So, the rock star guy is playing the piano badly, then they fuck inside of it. NOT on top of it, but INSIDE of it, which must hurt. Downs guy wants to marry her too! EVERYBODY wants to marry Tara! Then she rants over Bolero type music and they fuck more.

Next we meet old John Carradine, who is dressed as a Russian Czar. 

There's fight that involves him and his stunt double, but we can't figure out what it's all about. Then the Gay mafia shows up again on a plane and there's a little boy who also possibly has Down's Syndrome just starring at the camera. What is going on here???

Okay, Tara gets off the plane and it's SO WINDY that her tits pop out of her uniform! Suddenly all three boyfriends are there and she tells them she can't marry them - because she loves them ALL! "Life is made up of people, not ONE person". Oh - so that's what this movie was about all along...now I get it. Wow...I love Superchick too.

But why is she called SUPERCHICK? She doesn't have any powers or fight crime...she just fucks a lot of guys. Super.

9 outta 10 - mostly for the AMAZING soundtrack and fabulous outfits.

Why I Hate Birthday Parties

From 2009: I had only one damn birthday party when I was a kid...and my siblings mortified me during the "pin the tail on the donkey" portion of the festivities. I spent most of the party hiding under my grandmother's bed. If I only had this book back then...

I also hate the song Happy Birthday to You and refuse to sing it.

How many of these copyright protected characters can YOU name?

I had another birthday party when I was a teen for my 16th or 17th...

My parents actually allowed us to have beer! (But it was lite beer if I recall correctly).

Look at all these other great party books...

As an adult, I actually enjoy throwing parties-but never birthday parties. I like cocktail parties. My parents had a liquor cabinet that had the same bottles of booze in it for my entire childhood. They never once threw a cocktail party. They never had friends come over for drinks.

But they did have an absolutely groovy collection of drink mix guides for some reason. Maybe one day they planned on finally letting loose and enjoying the Nite-Life?
Maybe they wanted to be like the people in those drink recipe books.
Young, sexy, hip with not a care in the world. That would have been nice.
On a similar note, I used to fantasize that my parents were really Burt Bacharach and Angie Dickinson.Burt & Angie would pour each other glasses of Martini & Rossi and lounge around our Malibu home on the shag carpet and cuddle in front of the crackling fireplace on a chilly autumn evening.

Maybe Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme would come over one night to hang around the piano while Burt tickled the ivories. 

Or maybe they'd all go out on dad's boat.  How romantic. Ah - the glamourous life I could have had. Well I think we should all pour ourselves a nice glass of Martini & Rossi and "say yes". Just don't sing Happy Birthday to me.

NIGHT NURSE

NIGHT NURSE (1931, directed by William A. Wellman) is a wacky pre-code melodrama about a very determined young lady named Lora Hart (played by a very young Barbara Stanwyck) who wanders in off the street into a hospital and asks for a job. An bitchy old nurse named "Miss Dillon" (I'll call her "Dildo") tells her to take hike. As luck would have it, Lora literally bumps into the hospital's chief of staff, Dr. Bell in a revolving door and he takes a shine to her, after he picks up the entire contents of her purse, he orders Dildo to hire her. Dildo assigns Lora to share a room with perky Miss Maloney (Joan Blondell), who first helps her undress and try on a nurse's uniform. The two quickly become best friends...and possibly more. Maloney seems to like spending time getting Hart into her underwear, and when some prankish interns hide a skeleton in Lora's bed, she readily climbs into Maloney's and snuggles up to her. After Dildo punishes the girls with assigning them to the night shift, Lora treats a bootlegger for a gunshot wound and he charms her into not reporting it to the police. He thanks her by sending her a bottle of rye to help her get through her final nursing exam. I guess if this was made toady, he would be a crack dealer.

After passing her training, Lora is quickly hired to look after two sick rich kids, at the mansion of their drunken mother, Mrs. Ritchie. Hmmm..wonder if her first name is Nicole? When a drunken house guest tries to rape her, a sexy chauffeur (Clark Gable) comes to her rescue. Clark then demands that she pumps Mrs. Ritchie's stomach, when Lora refuses -he punches Lora out cold! Huh???

Lora soon discovers that the sick kid's doctor, Dr. Ranger has been neglecting the children, in fact they are being slowly starved to death! Hmmm, Nicole Ritchie...starving...is this 1931 or 2008?

Lora then quits her job and reports the negligent doc to Dr. Bell. Bell tells Lora to return to the house to play Nancy Drew. Dr. Ranger agrees to take her back. Meanwhile, the little girl has grown sicker and weaker - why doesn't Lora just feed the damn kids??? Mrs. Ritchie could get a shit about her kids, so Lora turns to Mortie the bootlegger to help her save the child. Lora get Mortie to buy milk (he's not sure where they sell it - so he goes to a Kosher deli) to bathe the girl in. The housekeeper, who I'll call Hazel, gets drunk and tells Lora that she suspects that the chauffer and Dr. Ranger are in cahoots - and their plan is to kill the kids so they can get to their trust fund money! Mrs. Drinkie, um Mrs. Ritchie wants to marry the chauffeur, so this should be easy. Mortie convinces Dr. Bell to step in and help, but when he tries to get the girl to the hospital, the chauffeur punches him! Bad Clark Gable, bad!

Luckily Lora has the same blood type as the little girl, so an emergency transfusion saves the day! Yay! So, Mortie the bootlegger tells Lara he took care of the chauffeur, who arrives shortly at the hospital morgue.

The end. This movie was pretty crazy. It's certainly a curiosity just to see how the world of doctors, nurses and hospitals were perceived over 75 years ago. Also, to see how women were portrayed in pre-code films. Having also recently seen THREE ON A MATCH and FEMALE - it's easy to see where shows like SEX & THE CITY and UGLY BETTY have their roots. Of course, the morals and situations have changed, but the basic premise of "career girls" can be traced back to films of this era. I give NIGHT NURSE 6 "Huhs?" - if only it was more like the campy four-issue 1970s Marvel Comic of the same name.