NORMAN...IS THAT YOU?

From 2010...

NORMAN...IS THAT YOU? (1976, directed by George Schlatter of LAUGH-IN fame) is a movie that I've always known existed, even as a kid, but for one reason another never got a chance to see. I always thought Norman Lear was somehow connected because of the title and the casting. I was silly.

Until now. The movie (based on a 1970 play by Ron Clark and Sam Bobrick) opens with Ben Chambers (Redd Foxx, then star of Lear's SANFORD & SON) riding on a bus, as Smokey Robinson croons a Motown ditty about Redd being an “old-fashioned man, living in a brand new world.” Redd then arrives in Los Angeles and transfers to a taxicab which takes him directly to Hollywood (though it looks like WEST Hollywood to me).

Redd arrives at his son Norman's apartment building as his hunky son awakens from his waterbed slumber in nothing but a pair of form-fitting blue undies. Norman (Michael Warren of HILL STREET BLUES), in a panic, directs Redd to take the stairs to delay his arrival. Norman then puts on a paint of form-fitting pistachio green slacks that fit him like the skin on a grape. Norman attempts to awaken the other person in the bed, who appears at first to be a very lazy and annoying woman. But is soon revealed to be an extremely feminine and annoying man named Garson (Dennis Dugan, later of RICHIE BROCKLEMAN, PRIVATE EYE).

Garson just had the "most faaaaaabulous dream” instantly informing us that he is the embarrassing gay character that we've all seen a million times before. The mincing queen who wears caftans and delivers lines like he's Kay Thompson. To the film's credit, in 1976 we probably hadn't seen many characters like this before. But, why on earth would Norman be attracted to this? To each his own, I guess.

Norman, clearly embarrassed by Garson, makes him hide as he lets Redd into the apartment. Redd notices Norman's exquisite 1976 decor and comments on the purple drapes and declares "to each his own." (Just like I did a paragraph above!) After introducing Garson to Redd as his "neighbor" who came by to use the toilet, we learn that pops is here to visit because Norman's mother ran off to Mexico with his uncle, keeping it "all in the family". ;)

Garson, meanwhile, is visiting his puppeteer friend Larry Davenport (Waylon Flowers, later of MADAME'S PLACE). That's right, Garson's friends are even gayer than he is! Not only does Madame answers the phone when Norman calls, but Madame's sassy (nameless) black friend also makes a brief appearance, causing me to scream with laughter and disbelief. Meanwhile, Redd unpacks his suitcase and starts going through his son's drawers. So to speak. First he finds some frilly underthings and then he finds an Asian-style gown and jumps to the conclusion that Norman has a lady friend. Just then, Garson, Norman's lady friend, reappears and Redd begins to put two and two together.

After first declaring that he'll kill his gay son, he then calms down and tries to figure out what he and his wife did wrong. “Maybe we toilet trained him too soon?” Yeah, right...that's it Redd. After taking a walk through Hollywood, Redd pops into a bookstore and asks to see the gay section. He ends up picking up a bunch of books at random and buys them all from Barbara Sharma (of RHODA fame). He then plants himself on a park bench and reads them all. Out loud. He seems to harp on the fact that one out of every six people has had a homosexual experience. Hmmm....

After he absorbing all the knowledge he can, he comes to the conclusion that his son ISN'T gay - he's just on drugs. “Thank God my son is on drugs!” Did Redd ever consider that Norman is gay AND on drugs?
So Redd's denial continues and he breaks up with Garson for Norman, and they he hires CLEOPATRA JONES to fuck the gay out of his son. Yes, the stunning Audrey the hooker (Tamara Dobson) attempts to turn Norman straight, but alas the boy flees for the comfort of his fruit fly Melody (Vernee Watson of CARTER COUNTRY and a hundred other sitcoms), who gets him drunk in order to fuck the gay outta him. Doesn't work, and pisses her off.

Meanwhile, back at gay, Garson comes over and bonds with Redd and the two go to see Madame's drag puppet show. Redd later has a dream where he's decked in glitter and accepting some gay award. GLAAD? When Garson awakens Redd from the dream, the old man yells "Rape!" Yeah right, like Garson is a top!

The next day, Norman's mother Beatrice (the legendary Pearl Bailey) shows up and when Redd tells her that their son is gay, she's not having it. Until Audrey the hooker shows up and Beatrice asks her, "Norman...is that you?".

Then real Norman shows up and announces that he's joined the Navy! What? Yes - so Norman decides to abandon his lover, and his parents by joining the military. Don't ask, don't tell. But what of poor tragic Garson? Well, Redd invites his new "son" to live with him and his wife in Arizona and to work in their shop (I'm thinking it's a dry cleaners for some JEFFERSON-inspired reason). All's well that ends well. Before the end credits Redd looks out to the viewing audience and wonders who out there might be gay as Thelma Houston belts out “One Out Of Every Six.”

Wow.  I actually enjoyed this more than I thought I would. I guess despite all it's internalized homophobia, the film was way ahead of its time. I mean, there are still gay films being made today that deal with this same exact subject and are no less preachy and just as filled with bad stereotypes. The film totally feels like a stage production, though the original characters were Jewish and not African American. I think this was a bold choice by the producers since homophobia was (and still is) very prevalent in the black community. I also think the late actors Redd Foxx and Pearl Bailey deserve to be commended for appearing in a project that was intended to teach tolerance in a time when it wasn't very popular. Despite it's many flaws (and numerous plot holes), the film is certainly a curiosity and should be seen (to be believed!). 7 outta 10.

Ken Norton (1943-2013), Star of MANDINGO

Upon hearing about the recent passing of Ken Norton, I now re-present my look at MANDINGO. I also highly recomemnd the book MONDO MANDINGO, which recounts the history of the original controversial novel as well as the sequels, spinoffs and film adaptations.

Here's a repost of my MANDINGO article from 2010 :

MANDINGO is one of the "forbidden films" that I've always heard about, but kinda sorta avoided because I knew it would be an unsetting experience. I recently bought a copy at Marshall's (of all the places) for $3.99 (you can't beat that price!) and decided it was time to face my fears and watch the damn thing. WARNING: This review contains full frontal nudity and junk fondling.

First some back story. MANDINGO (1975) was adapted from a 1957 novel by Kyle Onstott. It was Appalling! Terrifying! And Wonderful?

It was directed by Richard Fleischer (son of animation legend Max Fleisher), known for such mainstream hits as Disney's 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA (1954), FANTASTIC VOYAGE (1966), DOCTOR DOOLITTLE (1967) and SOYLENT GREEN (1973). He later directed the Neil Diamond version of THE JAZZ SINGER (1980). What a diverse career!

MANDINGO was produced by the recently-deceased Dino DeLaurentiis and released - remarkably - by Paramount Pictures! It was rated R.

The film stars English actors James Mason, Paul Benedict (Mr. Bentley from THE JEFFERSONS) and Susan George, up-and-comers Perry King, Brenda Sykes and professional boxer Ken Norton in his first acting role.

Set in the Antebellum period in the deep South on a plantation named Falconhurst. The manor that has seen much better days, here we meet slave-trader Warren Maxwell (Mason), his handsome young son Hammond (King) and an assortment of their friends and slaves.

This being Black History Month, I'm not sure this was a good viewing choice, because right off the bat, I don't think I've ever heard the "N word" uttered so many times by white actors. This makes me extremely uncomfortable, but I try to keep it within it's historical perspective.

Brutal scenes of whipping, torture and abuse of slaves is juxtaposed with the with the lifestyles of the white and

privledged. James Mason's character even uses a young slave boy as a footrest to draw out the rheumatism from his sore feet. It's painful to watch. Then, when a young slave woman "goes into heat", it's up to her "master" Hammond to take her virginity.

Perry King goes full frontal in this scene. Something you usually don't expect from a leading man in a historical drama from a major studio.

Well it was the 1970s after all, and the MPAA was a lot more liberal back then when it came to nudity. Reference 14-year old Jodie Foster topless in the PG-rated THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE. Today, the Parent's Council would declare it "child pornography". Back in the 70s, it was just a movie.

Getting back to MANDINGO...we now meet Ken Norton's character, Mede - he's a "Mandingo" slave who is being auctioned off to the highest bidder.

Mede gets his junk fondled by a perspective buyer. She's from Germany after all.

But Hammond is the winner of the auction, and Mede's new owner. Have I mentioned how HOT Ken Norton is?

Hammond sees Mede's purchase an an opportunity to turn the hunky slave into a champion fighter.

Back at Falconhurt, Hammond is now married to a woman named Blanche (Susan George), but he doesn't know what to do with a white woman in bed since he's only had sex with "wenches." He's disappointed to discover that she is not a virgin.

So then Hammond the gets HIS junked fondled by a whore in a surprisingly graphic fashion.

And then he winds up in bed with a sweet and sexy slave girl named Ellen (Brenda Sykes).

Insanely jealous Blanche is none to happy about this and gives Ellen a piece of her evil mind.

Additionally, Blanche concocts a plot to get back at her loveless husband by seducing Mede and telling Hammomd that he raped her.

Mede tries to resist out of loyalty for his master, but Blanche threatens to cry rape even if he doesn't bed her. What a bitch!

So he does it.

The big fight that Mede has been training for happens, and Hammond is pleased with the outcome, he purchases some jewelry to bring back home. But in the biggest Faux Pas south of the Mason-Dixon line, he gives earrings to Ellen.

 But he gives the matching necklace to his wife Blanche. Blanche is not pleased - but she is pregnant! And so is Ellen!

I'm not gonna give it away - but one baby lives and the other one...not so much.

As for Mede, let's just say there is not a happy ending to this sordid soap opera about lust between the races. 

In conclusion, I am glad I finally watched MANDINGO, though I felt real dirty doing so. I'm not sure why it even was made. It's like Dino DeLaurentiis said (in his Italian accent)  "Let's a take the GONE WITH THE WIND and the Blaxsploitation movies and a throw in a some of that soft-corn porn over there and let's a sell it to Paramount, okay?" 

If they were going for the story of how horrible human beings can be to each other, I guess they did a commendable good job. Perry King's character is supposed to be the "hero" of the story, but yet he says and does such ghastly things because, I assume, that's how white people acted towards people of color in those days. When I watch movies like this I always wonder what the actors were thinking. Not only people like James Mason, but all the actors who played the slaves. Did they just think of it as a paycheck or did they think they were participating in an accurate portrayal of American history as it really happened?

As a film, I'd give it a 6 outta 10 - mostly because of Susan George's over-the-top performance as Blanche. But as a slice of pop culture history I gotta admit it's pretty far out there. So, if you dare to sit through some pretty squeamish stuff to see Perry King get a reach-around through his knickers and James Mason as one of the most despicable characters ever captured on film, I say go for it. $3.99 at Marshalls.

Selections from My Library: MAHOGANY

Do you know where you're going to?

A story so tempestuous and spectacular it took THREE writers to tell it.

One of my all-time favorite bad movies...broken down in the most the most questionable way possible. Keep on truckin'? Swivel-hipped? An aging god Pan? A young black activist fighting for black rights? Hanging tough?
Ah, the 70s.

BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA

Since Danny gave such a fun review of BIG BAD MAMA, I asked him to share his comments on another MAMA movie classic. (This review is also from 2007) Take it away Danny... BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA aka WOMEN IN CHAINS (1972, Eddie Romero) simply put, starts out like an episode of CHARLIE'S ANGELS, but then withers into a JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS cartoon gone awfully awry. 

It begins with our heroines (Black Mama Pam Grier and White Mama Margaret Markov) arriving at the prison somewhere in Central America (although, for some reason most of the extras look Filipino!!!). They are soon treated to a shower where the "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" watches the girlie inmates shower and frolic, like that scene in PORKY'S. 

After freshening up, the girls all report to their bunks...and it turns out prison in Central America isn't so much punishment as it is a slumber party! The "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" calls on Black Mama that first night, but Pam clearly shows that she doesn't swing that way. This was way before THE L WORD, though I'm not sure she swings that way there either.

The story is totally different when White Mama goes to see miss "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" -  Pam calls her out on it and she simply replies, "you had you chance."  I agreed.  Then there were these two sets of bad guys and they wanted something or other from either White Mama or Black Mama...and they all seemed to really, really like the Filipino-looking extras.  

Anyway, for some reason the Mamas were being transferred (maybe to the Tea Party prison?), and we all knew something was going to go all wrong.  I was sure a tidal wave was gonna come and knock the bus over, thus releasing our heroines (I don't know, maybe it's because the location had that miniature look to it...) everyone else thought it would be a train wreck, like in THE FUGITIVE or an "accident" like in ANOTHER 48 HOURS, but nobody guessed it would be the old "yak in the road" ploy! 

Yeah, there's a yak and the bus stops and there's shooting and both mean lesbian matrons get shot dead (as usual)... and our heroines escape, chained together!!! Black Mama tugs on the chain and White Mama says, "I'm not a yo-yo!". Well, she's not!

So they fight, walk through a stream, wrestle, get attacked by a fat guy ( whom they kill and burn up) and lots of other stuff.
But most of all, they learn to get along. Meanwhile, those two sets of bad guys keep tracking them and wanting something from each of them while they continue to enjoy the Filipino girlie extras, of which there seems to be an endless supply. I hope they at least got paid in craft services.

So, finally one set of guys finds the girls, releases them from each other and takes them to a pier where the other set of guys is waiting!!! There's gun fire, things blow up good, Black Mama gets on a boat and White Mama is shot dead. Oops - did I give away the ending? Sorry. The End. Looking forward to the sequel, BLACK MAMA, BIG BAD WHITE MAMA!

Doug gives this one a 6 outta 10. Not great, but enjoyable in small doses.

The Happy Hooker Returns

Here's a post from two years ago...in honor of the late Lynn Redgrave. Since it was Feb. 14th and my other half was out of town, I decided to give myself a special Valentine's Day treat. What's more romantic than Lynn Redgrave as THE HAPPY HOOKER (1975, directed by Nicholas Sgarro)? After GEORGY GIRL, but before HOUSE CALLS the TV series, Lynn decided to star in the first of three theatrical films based on the book by real-life hooker Xaviera Hollander. Interestingly, while her sister Vanessa was appearing in high-profile films like MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS and JULIA, Lynn was playing the world's most famous madame. Wonder if they had the same agent?

The dvd starts off promising with a 20th Century Fox logo, followed by a MGM logo (MGM makes great movies, right?) but then the dreaded Cannon Group logo appears and we know we are in for some good, trashy fun. It starts off with a bang as the title theme song "Put Yourself in My Hands" is sung by Mary Olga and goes like this:
"I can make you happy
I can turn you on
Bring me all your troubles
Soon they'll be gone
Put yourself in my hands baby
Whatever you want me to do...I'll do
Put yourself in my hands baby
I'll know how to handle you"

It's Christmastime at the police station and all the hookers are there including April Jones, May Smith and Aurora Goldberg they all give their address as 328 West 80th, except a weepy housewife from White Plains - and presenting Miss Xaviera Hollander!

Flashback to the origin of The Happy Hooker - several years earlier she arrives in America from Holland, fresh-faced and ready to get married...only she's left waiting at the airport. She tells us in voiceover that she "was just a girl who crossed the ocean for a man". When the man (named Carl Gordon) finally arrives, he's gross and rude. He even makes her carry the heavy luggage.


















Then they have sloppy sex while his mother bangs on the wall of the apartment next door. She serves him tiger's milk and yeast as he admires his ugly self in the mirror. He's also on an all-meat diet. What does young X see in this freak? Okay - his apartment is fabulous with a great view. Carl's mom arrives soon to make the bed and see how long X plans on staying....she tells Mrs Gordon that she's Carl's fiancee. Mrs. Gordon is decidedly non-plussed.

Later, at dinner, we learn that Carl calls his mom by her first name, Cheryl. Carl's dad falls asleep at the dinner table and Cheryl is mean to her maid Rosita...and starts insulting X about her weight. GEORGY GIRL flashback? Rosita tries to serve a raw steak to Carl, while Cheryl continues to insult X about everything including the fact that she's from Holland - Carl decides to stay with mother as X marches out the door in a huff. So much for love and marriage.

Back in the present X gets to meet the little ladies of the night in the holding cell. Back to the past, X gets her first apartment and is shown around by a rough young blond who dresses like the Brawny lumberjack who tries to rape her when she offers him a drink. Men are pigs!

Soon X hits the single bars scene where she meets "every Tom, Dick and Harry with a pleasant face and tolerable manner". One her tricks has spent the night. He's dressed like a lawn jockey. Huh?
















Next there's another scene at the city jail where all the tough, sassy black hookers start to harass X as funky soul music plays in the background. Another flashback shows X working at the Dutch consulate - and is trying to type something, but obviously her fingers are meant for other activities. A rich French guy asks her to translate a letter from Dutch for him. "It might as well be Chinese!" If only. I think Frenchie invites X to dinner or something, cause soon they are walking through Central Park and she's dressed like a Pierrot - a French clown! Maybe Frenchie has a clown fetish, because before you know it they are post-coital and embarking on a cruise on his yacht. On the boat we meet Frenchie's snobby, bitchy rich friends - this is starting to remind me of THE LAST OF SHEILA. Wonder who'll get murdered?












Soon X is getting a foot massage from Frenchie and one of his lady friends - Madelaine. After a few days of getting gifts and treats from Prince Frenchie Charming, he gives her an envelope of cash for the pleasure she's given him. "You make me feel like a whore!" and she slaps him. He tells her that she deserves to be spoiled by men. And so, Frenchie gives her number to his friends and she makes the transition "from office girl to working girl".

Tom Poston plays an executive who orders her to get on a boardroom table and strip for him and two other guys as he places money on the table from a suitcase. X is wearing black lace bar and panties with garter belts and fishnet stockings. Her long, stringy hair reminds me of the Sea Hag from Popeye cartoons. He stops her right before she's about to moon him. Then she gives him a stock market report full of double entendres as she slowly puts her clothes back on. He likes this. It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable.













X rides her bike around the city in various silly outfits. She keeps all her hooker earnings in a cookie jar. A Rutger Hauer-ish looking cop comes to visit her. He inspects her apartment without a search warrant, commenting on her collection of booze and looking for pot. He's on to her hooking ways...and then HE tries to rape her!!! Cops are pigs! Well, men cops, anyway.

Next she dresses real hooker-ish with frosted pink lipstick and fake mole to attend a Park Avenue cocktail party where everyone is dressed in fashion atrocities of the 1970s including one call girl in a macrame dress and another one wearing dozens of pearl necklaces. Not to be outdone, the hostess, Madame Madelaine (played fabulously by the amazingly named Lovelady Powell) dons a stunning sky-blue caftan. We next witness a redhead (the late, great Broadway legend Anita Morris) being made into a human banana split. Madelaine gives X some sage advice: "You don't dress like a hooker in whorehouse!" Best line so far.


















A racist Southern whore (Anita Morris- again?) refuses to do a three-way with a client and a black whore, so X decides to do a slow seductive dance with Aurora to show that she's not prejudiced against blacks nor lesbians (as the sexy song called "One to One" plays). Next X dons a CABARET wig for a hairy client named Harry who dresses in leather, and calls his wife on the phone as X and his German Shepherd bark in the background. A true success, X decides to set out on her own, taking some of Madeline's girls with her and the clients followed. She rides her bike in her fur and leads the hookers in a daily jog. She must be successful, cause she's so eccentric!
















Back in the present - the black hookers yell thing like "bet you ain't got no black ass turning tricks in your high-class fucking house" at X and her posse. New best line so far.
















One of the hookers declares that she thinks Bert and Ernie are fags. Meanwhile, the dirty cop continues to stalk X. Madelaine and X negotiate a business deal over tea and Madelaine announces that she's pregnant from a trick! She asks, "Do you think an old whore could be a good mother?" Okay, newest best line!

At X's Christmas party, Carlos (super-hot Guillermo Irizarry in his one and only acting role to date) the whore house boy entertains us by wearing tight pants and a half shirt, while Vincent Schiavelli gets entertained by a whore who sings "The Happy Hooker" song to him. Meanwhile, Anita Morris gets covered with whip cream, which is washed off by champagne. Three guys wearing Christmas corsages (one has a unibrow) turn out to be undercover cops and bust the girls even after X tries to make it seem like all she serves is drinks. Nice try, X. This is actually a great scene and Lynn's performance here is outstanding.

So back to the present - the hookers are bailed out of jail and a group of little kids follow them down the street "You're all little boys," X says to the shopkeeper who chases the kids away...as "Put Yourself in My Hands" returns to amuse us one last time. After all, it is Christmas! The end.

I gotta say, this was far better than I expected it to be. Lynn Redgrave is so much fun to watch and despite it being about sex workers, there is very little sex and nudity in the film. Actually all the sex scenes take place after the actual sex has happened, and the only two nude scenes feature Anita Morris.



















I'm sure the real true story of Xaviera Hollander (pictured here with Lynn) is a bit more racy and must have had some dark moments, but THE HAPPY HOOKER actually made me feel "happy". Far better than PRETTY WOMAN, but not as good as THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS. I give it 7 outta 10 big hooker with a heart of gold "Huhs?" Happy Valentine's Day! SWAK!

"Your high-class fucking house". Still laughing out loud.