MALIBU HIGH

Back in 2009, I had wanted to watch a breezy comedy for a cool summer night, so I decided to pop in MALIBU HIGH (1979, directed by Irv Berwick) - what could be more light and airy than a California & surf flick from the late 1970s? After all–just look at the poster!

Well, MALIBU HIGH was not what I had expected.

The film centers on 30 year old Malibu High school senior Kim Bentley, the crankiest, most mean-spirited, chain-smoking, free-loading and often topless best friend anyone could ever have.

Kim is nasty to her mother, cruel to her schoolmates, bitchy to her best friend/chauffer Lucy, obnoxious to her teachers and just downright loathsome. She refers her ex's new spoiled rich girlfriend Annette as "a piece of shit".

In true John Waters' fashion, every line of dialogue out of actress Jill Lansing's mouth seems to be yelled at another character. And this plucky heroine is who the viewer is supposed to identify with?

Oh, by the way, for some unknown reason, the electronic music from the 1970s version of the PBS logo is used to bridge scenes throughout the film. Honestly, was it free?

After a wild dance party at Jerry's Disco and Mexican Restaurant, Kim decides to take control of her life (and make her ex-boyfriend Kevin jealous) by becoming gainfully employed by Tony, the local pimp and weed dealer.

So Kim starts screwing all the Malibu locals in the back of a van for $$$ while pledging to improve her school grades. She accomplishes this by having sex with all her teachers in exchange for better marks. Why not? In possibly some of the un-sexiest sex scenes ever filmed, Kim goes to town - and it's all about bad tanlines, hairy moles, rashes and back hair.

In attempt to go "big time," she soon hooks up with a more experienced pimp, Lance. Only Lance doesn't want her to just fuck people, he wants her to kill them–starting with Tony. Will she do it? What do you think?Yeah, that's right, high school student by day - killer hooker by night! I told you this movie was no walk on the beach. It gets very dark, that you even forget that it's supposed to be set in sunny Malibu.

Just to remind you of the locale, it all ends with a giant chase scene on the beach that is accompanied by the long-version of THE PEOPLE'S COURT theme song. I guess it was public domain?

What a strange, awful little film. Not a comedy, but unintentionally funny because its so poorly executed. I wonder why it was marketed as a fluffy sex romp, when its clearly a violent psychological thriller. In any case, it's a worth a look just because it's so bizarre. I'll give it a 6.5 outta ten.

CHANGE OF HABIT

Here's a rerun of a post from 2009, celebrating my first viewing of CHANGE OF HABIT!

CHANGE OF HABIT (1969, directed by William Graham) is a movie I've been aware of my entire life, though for some reason I've never seen until now. Me of all people, who loves movies about nuns!

The film starts off promising with a great typeface super-imposed over our three "brides of Christ".
Elvis Presley gets top billing-but he's not the reason I'm watching this.
Yes - the magnificent Mary Tyler Moore, one year before her hit sitcom debuts.
And who else is in this promising little film?
OMG! Barbara McNair - one of my favorite singers of all time!
And introducing future soap diva Jane Elliot! Through the opening title montage (and Elvis song) we see our three sisters transform from wimple-wearing women to stylish young ladies who arrive in some nameless city ghetto and attract much attention from the locals. The men are turned on and the women are jealous.
Meanwhile, Elvis is having a party , surrounded by all sorts of inner-city folk.
But Elvis is not just a handsome singer–he's a doctor at a free clinic!
The free clinic where Sisters Michelle (Mary), Irene (Barbara) and Barbara (Jane) have been assigned to assist Dr. John Carpenter (Elvis) with his busy practice.

At first he thinks all three are there for abortions! He asks them, "All three of you? Just out of curiosity, was it the same guy?"
You see, Dr. Elvis and the local Amy Winehouse lookalikes must not know that they are nuns. These penguins are on an undercover mission!!!
Their new neighbors include two spinsters who are convinced the trio are hookers. They even point out that one is "black as the ace of spades"! Sister Michelle comments that the ladies may be Catholic, but they are not "Christian". Amen, sister.
The trio try to make the most of things while they wait for their furniture to arrive.
The next day, Sister Michelle helps Dr. Elvis with a patient who stutters. Julio also has a fondness for shiny, sharp objects like scissors. Michelle promises to give him extra attention.
Meanwhile at the apartment, Sister Barbara uses her feminine wiles to get some local men to help her carry the furniture into the apartment.
Back at the clinic, Sister Michelle diagnoses a "deaf" girl as autistic, pissing off Dr. Elvis.
The furniture movers get "touchy" with Sister Barbara, but she is saved from a possible gang rape by a mysterious fat white guy named "The Banker".
Returning to the clinic, Dr. Elvis examines a 17-year old Desiree, who complains of a pain in her "left chest".
After work, Dr. Elvis pays the gals a visit and tries to examine Sister Michelle's left chest while she strums his guitar.
He then corners her in the kitchen and is puzzled by her lack of attraction towards him.
The next day, Amanda the autistic girl is back and Dr. Elvis decides it time to cure her. By holding her and telling her that he loves her while Sister Michelle holds her feet.
This scene goes on for about five, long, painful minutes until the girl is screaming and finally "cured". Who knew?
After the miracle cure, Dr. Elvis tries to cure Sister Michelle of her virginity, but she's not having it. Apparently in real life Mary Tyler Moore also turned down Elvis' advances as well.
Meanwhile, Sister Irene has a confrontation with some other African American characters and she tells them "I musta said a million ‘Hail Marys’ to get out of a neighborhood just like this" and then she uses "the N word"!
The next day, Elvis takes Michelle and Autistic Amanda to the park where he spontaneously performs a tune on the Merry-Go-Round. Oh-this is a musical too? Cool.
Then Elvis plays football with Sister Barbara. Must be nice to have a day off! No autism to cure today?
Aren't they the cutest couple?
Back in the ghetto, Sister Irene witnesses a brutal beating. It is revealed that "The Banker" is the crime boss behind it all!!!
The next day, the trio is called into the parish priest's office and they are read the proverbial riot act for living too much like "normal" people. They now must wear their habits in public. Everyone now shows them honor and respect, even the neighborhood sluts.
Sister Barbara uses her new popularity to start a picket of a local grocer who is over-charging customers.
Sister Michelle at last reveals to Dr. Elvis why she is giving him blue balls.
This is a scene that isn't in the film, but is a great publicity shot.
At the food market, Ed Asner shows up. He's not looking for Mary, he's there to eat a banana and hang out with Dr. Elvis.
The next day, the nuns host a carnival in honor of a Puerto Rican saint. Autistic Amanda makes her puppet say "the N word" to visiting Mother Joseph.
Then, Sister Irene incites a riot–exposing "The Banker" as the cause of all the problems the locals are having!
After Officer Ed Asner breaks up the riot, trampy Desiree thanks Sister Michelle for the dress she gave her, even though she altered the hemline a bit.
Then Sister Barbara tells Sister Michelle that she's leaving the nunhood because she could do so much more to fight social injustice as a regular person.
After they hug goodbye, Sister Michelle undresses for bed in front of an open window, as Julio the stuttering scissor collector watches her. OMG-a stalker plotline!!!
Then Julio manages to get into the apartment and attacks Sister Michelle, beginning to undress her and forces himself onto her!!!
Luckily Dr. Elvis is within earshot and he rescues her...and knocks Julio flat on his crazy raping, stuttering ass. Sister Michelle is traumatized.
Time passes and Dr. Elvis goes to visit Sr. Michelle at the convent where he proposes to her.
She turns him down (just like Mary) and basically tells him, she's already married to Christ. Later at church, Elvis performs a rockin' "Let Us Pray" as Desiree debuts her new, conservative look.
Sister Michelle sits in her pew and ponders. Who will it be...Elvis or Jesus? Elvis or Jesus? Elvis or Jesus?
SPOILER: The movie ends without us knowing what her final decision is. I wonder if they shot multiple endings?
I am so glad I finally saw this ridiculous, cheesy but ultimately great film. First of all, it was RATED G and had two attempted rape scenes, "the N word," the words "faggots" and "bitch" plus all that sexual heat between Elvis and Mary. I wonder what the MPAA was really watching that day? Secondly, it's interesting to see "liberated" nuns battling sexism, racism, poverty, intolerance and fighting for social justice. It was certainly a product of its time, but ahead of its time in many ways. I give it a big holy 10 outta 10 because any movie where Elvis assumes nuns want abortions, cures autism, plays football and breaks out into song is totally awesome in my book. It was worth the wait.