Do-It-Yourself 22 Piece Ornament Kit

Holy shit.

Christmas From Our House To Yours

The Green Apple Co. released this wonderfully dreadful holiday craft book sometime during the late 70s or early 80s. Clearly they did not have the budget to hire a professional photographer to make these homemade design "suggestions" look like something that anyone would want to undertake.

Let's start with the eye chart, um I mean banner. The alphabet, followed by three rows of images: 1) wreaths 2) gingerbread men 3) stockings. Then "From our house to yours" and a quaint image of a snow-covered gingerbread house. Followed by a row of trees, the numbers 1 through 9 (WTF?), a row of candy canes and finally a row of gifts. Did I mention the MERRY CHRISTMAS border and the gingham loops at the top? Oy vey.

Next yp we have this lovely (?) wreath pillow. Well at least I THINK that's supposed to be a wreath.

Ah, Rebecca's Christmas stocking. More gingham and a cheerful snowman make this suitable for flinging into, er, I mean "hanging by" any fireplace!

In case little Billy forgets where he's supposed to sit at the dinner table, why not remind him with this stylish place setting? After all what's better at catching crumbs and gravy spills than a white swatch of fabric?

And finally - what's the holidays without a small box decorated with label with a clever "Christmas Recipe"? I sure hope someone toils away to make me one of these this year! So there you have it - horrible crafts to avoid at all costs, from the Green Apple Co.

I'm Dreaming of a Bing Crosby...

When I think of Bing Crosby I think of 5 things.

1) White Christmas 

2) Bob Hope

3) Golf 

4) Minute Maid Orange Juice 

5) His duet with David Bowie

But I've recently come across two more things which I will now forever associate Bing Crosby with...

6) Friendship Trees! The grand tradition of taping Christmas Cards to your tree using cellophane tape–as Bing Crosby, star of Paramount's MR. MUSIC highly recommended. His co-star Nancy Olson agreed that it's a "wonderful idea". But how does one transform a boring old Christmas tree into one of friendship? Luckily we had this color advertisement to show us exactly how to how apply tape to greeting cards and then how to tape them to the tree. Wow - thanks Bing!!! Now, if there was only a frozen dessert I could eat after I exhaust myself from taping Christmas cards to my tree...

7) Bing Crosby Ice Cream. Long before Ben & Jerry's, Bing's giant head adorned the packaging of Valley Farm's vanilla frozen dessert. You may ask "why"? I could reply, "why not?". Let's just say, Bing was to ice cream like Paul Newman was to salad dressing and leave it at that. I once heard a story which I think can tie this all together. Someone once asked an elderly Bob Hope what Bing Crosby was really like. His response "you know, he really likes his marijuana."  Wow - Crosby a pot head? Who knew? Bob Hope knew - that's who! Bing Cherry Garcia might have been the flavor that never was. Well, now I have 8 things to associate Bing Crosby with.

If You Must Decorate Eggs...

Have a wonderful, and hopefully eggless Easter.

Hobby Time with THE FLYING NUN

Ever wonder what did Sister Bertrille did when she wasn't flying around Puerto Rico, outwitting grumpy Reverend Mother Superior and being pursued sexually by creepy Latin lothario Carlos? Well it looks like she spent much time "looming"! Well, now you too can make pot holders, purses and placemats just like the perky airborn bridge of Christ played by future Emmy and Oscar winner and anti-war activist Sally Field! This kit from Habro is adjustable and fully assembled - and comes complete with a generous supply of fine jersey loops, yarn and instructions! Apparently it also comes with mozzarella cheese and pepperoni slices!

She flies! She prays! She weaves! She gives Carlos "blue balls"! Gotta love her. Not to be confused with THE SINGING NUN (see tomorrow's post).

Speechless

TV tie-in merchandise that makes you say "huh?"

Ever wonder what did Sister Bertrille did when she wasn't flying around Puerto Rico, outwitting grumpy Reverend Mother Superior and being pursued sexually by creepy Latin lothario Carlos? Well it looks like she spent much time "looming"! Well, now you too can make pot holders, purses and placemats just like the perky airborn bridge of Christ played by future Emmy and Oscar winner and anti-war activist Sally Field! This kit from Habro is adjustable and fully assembled - and comes complete with a generous supply of fine jersey loops, yarn and instructions! Apparently it also comes with mozzarella cheese and pepperoni slices! 

She flies! She prays! She weaves! She gives Carlos "blue balls"! Gotta love her. Not to be confused with THE SINGING NUN!