I'm Just Wild About Harry Novak

A flashback post from 2009 when I watched a exploitation classic called AXE (1974). AXE was basically THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT meets THE LEGEND OF LZZIE BORDEN with a small dose of John Waters. What was most intriguing is that the dvd featured trailers from the same original distributor Harry Novak and his Box Office International schlockhouse. Harry Novak has been dubbed "The Sultan of Sexploitation" and "The King of Camp," but his films ran the gamut of the exploitation genres - including monster films  like PLEASE DON'T EAT MY MOTHER (1973)...as well as documentaries (MONDO MOD, 1967) and horror films (THE CHILD, 1977).
His signature logo elevated him to the distinction of being the Walt Disney or Louie B. Mayer of exploitation - with the exception that Harry stressed quantity over quality. Harry was notorious for not spending one nickel more than was needed to get a film made. He would watch industry trends and create a dirtier and more violent knock-off of whatever was selling tickets at the time. These include MIDNIGHT PLOWBOY (1971)...plus THE LAST TANGO IN ACAPULCO (1975), EROTIC ENCOUNTERS OF THE FOURTH KIND (1975) and THE BLACK CONNECTION (1974). Harry once said "When I was a kid, my Daddy told me, 'There's a buyer for everything' and I lived to find out that he was right."  Novak's began his career in showbiz at Howard Hughes' RKO Studios - by booking and selling films as well as designing ads and marketing campaigns, ironically, for the Disney films that RKO was distributing! It must have been Hughes' admiration for full-figured women that inspired Novak to set out on his own after RKO's collaspse. After taking a crash course in distribution, by selling re-dubbed foreign "art films" that featured partially clad women. He soon formed Box Office International in 1964.

Harry had now started producing and distributing a string of his own films - all lowbrow, crude and very violent - this made sense since violence was allowed to be screened even where sex wasn't. KISS ME QUICK! - a sci-fi parody of DR. STRANGELOVE about strippers - was his first big drive-in success. Over 200 entertainingly trashy features followed. Some great titles include MANTIS IN LACE (1968)...as well as TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN (1972), WILBUR & THE BABY FACTORY (1970) and BOOBY TRAP (1970).As standards continued to relax, Novak's films began to resemble softcore pornography- as full frontal nudity by both women and men and simulated sex scenes became the norm. A string of lurid sexy crime thrillers  like THE GODSON (1971)...and dirty martial arts romps (SEXUAL KUNG FU IN HONG KONG,1974), white trash hillbilly sex comedies (COUNTRY CUZZINS, 1970)...and ambitious period sex farces (like THE SECRET SEX LIVES OF ROMEO & JULIET,1969) followed...all with tantalizing ad campaigns.By the late 70s - hardcore porn became the norm and Box Office International transformed into Valiant Pictures International in 1978. Harry's last film was 1983's MOMENTS IN LOVE. Lucky for us most of his films are available on dvd via Something Weird.

Selections from My Library: GAY BOY

I can't get enough of these books. Here's a real classic–Edward R. Jacob's Gay Boy aka Nite Time Original #123. Ninety-five American cents worth of perverse, strange and anguished desires.
Wow. It always amazes me how homophobic these books were. It was like they were written by guys who were gay, but hated every moment of it- and they wanted their readers to get off and hate themselves for it. Also, I love how they try to pass the book off as a "probing study". I guess in case the guy's wife or girlfriend found the book, he could always shrug it off as a college text book for a human sexuality course. And it's not ALL gay cause there's a busty woman pictured on the cover. Right.

Benji's Very Own Christmas

After starring in a string of family-friendly hits, but before co-starring with Chevy Chase in OH HEAVENLY DOG, Benji starred in his very own Christmas special on ABC. Cazn't tell you much about it because I've never seen it - but I did watch the original BENJI film back in 2007.

The first BENJI film was a childhood favorite.
I was ten years old when I first saw Joe Camp's kiddie classic BENJI (1974), and I remember loving it because it didn't look or feel like a kid's movie. Watching it again MANY years later (on Turner Movie Classics no less!), I can see why I thought that. The film is shot mainly from the dog's point of view, and most of the human characters are "grown up", making it feel like a movie for big people.

The movie opens as we see what looks like a haunted house - only it's not haunted (too bad) - it's Benji's house! Next we witness what appears to be the little dog's daily activities - as gets his breakfast from a friendly, but guarded, housekeeper named Mary and receives affection from two annoying kids named Paul and Cindy. The kids love Benji, but their MD dad has a problem with dogs be cause his brother was bit by one - once. After hiding Benji and his food bowl under the table (and on her lap) - Mary sends the dog off for his daily scuffle with THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW's Aunt Bea and her cat. After that he stops by the park for some romantic advice from a cop and finally swings by Bill's Café to wake up Bill (slow Uncle Joe from PETTICOAT JUNCTION) for his daily bone. So to speak. Each day apparently ends with a trip back to his house- which is abandoned and filled with antiques! We see Benji go through the routine at least four times - I think even as a kid I thought that was too much.

So Benji has it pretty damn good. Until one day, when things begin to change. A foursome of dopey troublemakers named Riley, Henry, Linda and Mitch break into his house with two bags of groceries (including pudding cups!) and declare it as a base of operations for their planned evildoings. Two of the guys think the house is haunted cause their pudding cups keep disappearing. Meanwhile, Benji meets up with a little white bitch named Tiffany, who becomes his domestic partner. Tiffany soon joins him on all is daily visits and is welcomed by the townsfolk as well. Mary even gives Tiffany a little makeover!

Meanwhile, back at the house: the plan is that the four villains are gonna kidnap Paul and Cindy and hold them for ransom. It's up to Benji to foil the plan, which is not easy considering he can't talk and Cesar Milan is not around to translate his constant barking. When Benji tries to help out, one of the bad guys kicks Tiffany - and we are thought to believe that she's dead. Of course, Benji eventually figures out how to communicate to the cops and townsfolk who close in on the bad guys and rescue the young hostages. There's a great scene near the climax between Mary and bad girl Linda (Deborah Walley of GIDGET and THE MOTHERS-IN-LAW fame). In the end, Tiffany just has a broken leg and the kids' dad changes his tune and lets Benji AND Tiffany move in with the family. Yay!

As a film, the story is simple and very slow-moving. The acting is mostly subpar, with Benji delivering the best performance. The music ranges from cute, to great to really, really annoying. On my scale, I'll give it a 6 just for old-times sake, but only watch it if you've had your proper daily caffeine intake. There are 3 sequels and numerous TV productions starring Benji as well. I think I'll pass on them, for now.

As social commentary, the parallels between BENJI and Lucille Ball's STONE PILLOW are staggering. Sure, Benji is a cute, sweet little doggie that works his way into the lives and hearts of a bunch of lazy Texans, much like Lucy's Flora character. They give him plenty of food (remember even Lucy gets old sandwiches, rotten veggies and cat food) and attention whenever the stops by their homes or workplaces, but they never address the bigger issue here - this dog is HOMELESS!!!

Getting on my soapbox for a minute: Just call me Bob Barker, but I think BENJI should now be re-purposed to help enforce mandatory spaying and neutering, micro-chipping and leash laws to help keep the stray animal population down and give homes to the millions of pound puppies in this country.

CRAZY MAMA

For our third cult classic "Mama" film (and vintage review from 2007), we've got Jonathan Demme's CRAZY MAMA (1975). An all-star cast brings this BONNIE & CLYDE wannabe to life, sort of. It's PG rating is a foreshadowing of what we are in for.

The backstory is that in the early 1930s, a family farm in Arkansas is taken over by law enforcement, killing the farmer, leaving his wife Sheba (Ann Sothern) and daughter Melba (Cloris Leachman) fleeing the state. They wind up years later running a beauty salon in California. They still not have recovered from losing the farm and Papa.

Soon "Mr. Howell" (Jim Backus) shows up and repossesses all of their belongings. They've out of luck, out of money and Melba's teenage daughter Cheryl (Linda Purl) is knocked up by "Ralph Malph" (Don Most). What else can go possibly go wrong? Well, then they decide to head back to Arkansas and reclaim the farmland that should be theirs! Wonder if they'll ever get there?

So they steal Mr. Howell's car, rob a gas station and head to Arkansas via Las Vegas!. While in Vegas, Sheba picks up a new friend named Bertha, and Cheryl picks up a second boyfriend, a biker named Snake. Not to be left out, Melba wins the heart of married Texas sheriff Jim Bob (Stuart Whitman). This is starting to feel like BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS all over again. Except without the whores.

Despite being married to Ella Mae (Sally Kirkland), Jim Bob also marries Melba while Snake and Ralph Malph rob the chapel. Somehow Cheryl's two boyfriends have become friends and partners-in-crime. Why all three even share a bed! But there's NOTHING dirty going on. What follows is a silly crime spree with stunts like Sheba pretending to faint in a grocery store, in order to grab the cash. More heists, car chases and scams ensue.

The big money-making scheme involves "kidnapping" Jim Bob and holding him hostage, for a ransom that they will all split. Of course things don't go as smoothly as planned and somebody ends up dead. Somewhere during all these shenanigans, Cloris (Oscar, Emmy, and Golden Globe Award winner) wears a see-thru top without a bra. It feels highly disturbing to see Phyllis Lindstrom's nipple. Betty White would never show us her nipple, would she? Hey, I thought this was rated PG! I guess Cloris has a family-friendly nipple.

This film wasn't BAD enough to be BAD, And it wasn't GOOD enough to be GOOD. It wasn't funny enough to be a comedy and it wasn't serious enough to be a crime drama. While the acting was good and the cinematography superb, I was expecting the film to overall be much more FUN - instead it turned out to be a big, crazy bore. Maybe if it was rated R, there would be more sex, more realistic violence and a more spicy script. Instead, we have basically an episode of BEVERLY HILLBILLIES with a nipple.

For those of you who watch those PBS "1950's oldtime rock n roll reunion pledge break specials", the soundtrack might be appealing to you. I found it wretched. I give the film 4 out of 10, because my only "Huh?" had to do with the previously mentioned nipple. Let's hope BLOODY MAMA with Shelley Winters is better - or at least has less nipple!

BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA

Since Danny gave such a fun review of BIG BAD MAMA, I asked him to share his comments on another MAMA movie classic. (This review is also from 2007) Take it away Danny... BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA aka WOMEN IN CHAINS (1972, Eddie Romero) simply put, starts out like an episode of CHARLIE'S ANGELS, but then withers into a JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS cartoon gone awfully awry. 

It begins with our heroines (Black Mama Pam Grier and White Mama Margaret Markov) arriving at the prison somewhere in Central America (although, for some reason most of the extras look Filipino!!!). They are soon treated to a shower where the "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" watches the girlie inmates shower and frolic, like that scene in PORKY'S. 

After freshening up, the girls all report to their bunks...and it turns out prison in Central America isn't so much punishment as it is a slumber party! The "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" calls on Black Mama that first night, but Pam clearly shows that she doesn't swing that way. This was way before THE L WORD, though I'm not sure she swings that way there either.

The story is totally different when White Mama goes to see miss "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" -  Pam calls her out on it and she simply replies, "you had you chance."  I agreed.  Then there were these two sets of bad guys and they wanted something or other from either White Mama or Black Mama...and they all seemed to really, really like the Filipino-looking extras.  

Anyway, for some reason the Mamas were being transferred (maybe to the Tea Party prison?), and we all knew something was going to go all wrong.  I was sure a tidal wave was gonna come and knock the bus over, thus releasing our heroines (I don't know, maybe it's because the location had that miniature look to it...) everyone else thought it would be a train wreck, like in THE FUGITIVE or an "accident" like in ANOTHER 48 HOURS, but nobody guessed it would be the old "yak in the road" ploy! 

Yeah, there's a yak and the bus stops and there's shooting and both mean lesbian matrons get shot dead (as usual)... and our heroines escape, chained together!!! Black Mama tugs on the chain and White Mama says, "I'm not a yo-yo!". Well, she's not!

So they fight, walk through a stream, wrestle, get attacked by a fat guy ( whom they kill and burn up) and lots of other stuff.
But most of all, they learn to get along. Meanwhile, those two sets of bad guys keep tracking them and wanting something from each of them while they continue to enjoy the Filipino girlie extras, of which there seems to be an endless supply. I hope they at least got paid in craft services.

So, finally one set of guys finds the girls, releases them from each other and takes them to a pier where the other set of guys is waiting!!! There's gun fire, things blow up good, Black Mama gets on a boat and White Mama is shot dead. Oops - did I give away the ending? Sorry. The End. Looking forward to the sequel, BLACK MAMA, BIG BAD WHITE MAMA!

Doug gives this one a 6 outta 10. Not great, but enjoyable in small doses.

BIG BAD MAMA

This was a guest blog post from my good friend Danny...originally from 2007! Enjoy...Hi bad movie fans, Danny here - BIG BAD MAMA (1974, directed by some guy called Steve Carver) is drive-in classic I remember my father taking me to see when I was six. I consider it the best "Mother As A Role Model" movie ever made!

First off, let me tell you how excited I was to learn that this movie starred Robbie Lee who some of you might know as the baaaaad girl from SWITCHBLADE SISTERS (Maybe Doug will let me review that too one day)! Not three minutes into the movie and she was already showing her left booby.

Actually, this movie was just full of boobies and tushies and even Angie Dickenson got in on the act!!! As a six year old, it was all the same to me, but I don't think I was really ready to see Sgt. Pepper Anderson's fleshy badges all up in the windshield of dad's 1969 Thunderbird. I was confused, was she America's favorite POLICE WOMAN or a tit-flinging bank robber?And just why is she having sex with Captain Kirk when she just had sex with that guy who's gonna be attacked by an ALIEN in about five years? (Tom Skerritt)

Getting back to a more serious issue...what's with all this booby & tushie? Is this really appropriate viewing for a six year old? What was my father thinking??? And if I'm old enough for this, why aren't I old enough to go to Disneyland four years from now???

Also... why aren't things exploding? For the amount of gunfire there was in this movie, NOT ONE thing blowed up good and that was very disheartening. No one even got shot in the cooch, but William Shatner got shot dead and that was good enough.

I think if you examine the movie poster above, you'll get what the movie is and you'll probably ask, "Who's driving that car?" Beats me.

Did we learn anything from this movie? Yes, and that is... it's never too late to start a new life... or rent a different movie.

Doug gives this one 7 outta 10.

Mother's Day

From last year: Of all the mother-themed films that I could have watched for Mother's Day, MOTHER'S DAY (directed by Charles Kaufman) was chosen by proxy.  Never having been a fan of misogynistic slasher films or torture porn, this 1980 Troma release has always intrigued and repelled me at the same time.

The story goes like this: former college roommates Abbey (Nancy Hendrickson), Jackie (Deborah Luce) and Trina (Tiana Pierce) have gone their own ways in the world, but manage to meet once a year for a surprise getaway. Abbey's got a bed-ridden mother, Jackie is trapped in an unloving relationship and Trina's a Beverly Hills blonde, so they look forward to seeing each other and escaping their lives for a bit. Jackie decides this year's surprise trip will be camping in New Jersey! Yay! 

Meanwhile, we meet Mother (1950s TV sitcom actress Beatrice Pons) and her two unattractive and mentally challenged sons Ike (Holden McGuire) and Addley (Billy Ray McQuade) – a white trash trio who get off on torturing and killing random strangers. Fun!

Mother attends a motivational seminar by a group called E.G.O. where she ensnares two group members and takes them back to her cabin where her boys have their way with them. Pretty gruesome stuff. Mother's house is a redneck GREY GARDENS, filled with garbage, junk food and lots of dirty graffiti on the walls. 

After some fun and games (and a charming college flashback of the girls) Ike and Addley kidnap our three heroines and take them home to visit Mother. They decide to tie them up in their weight room and enact demented role-playing games with them for Mother's amusement. While the movie has its share of light and satirical moments, the brutal assualt and murder of Jackie is hard to watch. The film gets much better when Abbey and Trina exact their well-deserved revenge on Mother and her lunkhead sons.

Beatrice Pons' spirited performance is quite enjoyable, but you have to imagine what made her take on this role - since she probably did not get paid much. I guess that's why she's credited as "Rose Ross". The rest of the cast is watchable, and likeable - only I kept wishing they were in a different movie - more MOMMIE DEAREST and less I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE.

As far as recommending MOTHER'S DAY, I would say only if you are a fan of this genre, otherwise stay clear. I'd give it a 7 outta 10. Any ideas for Father's Day???

POLICEWOMEN

Another previously posted review. No - not POLICEWOMAN, the awesome nipple-filled NBC TV series from 1974-78 starring Angie Dickinson - but POLICEWOMEN - a groovy nipple-filled exploitation flick from the same year!







































The story starts at a women's prison - where a jailbreak is set in motion. One of the female guards is pretty redhead who resembles the love child of Marcia Cross and Dixie Carter. She takes control of the situation by putting some karate moves on the would-be escapees. A few of the girls make it out and manage to strip naked and change into sexy skin-tight black outfits. After the women guards call in the male officers for help, the girls throw a grenade at them and set off tear gas. Then they head for the roof and blow something up - escaping down the side of the building. Whew! Did I mention one of the girls has a giant Afro?






Then the credits role...we see Sondra Currie, POLICEWOMEN modeling her uniform, a bikini, a raincoat, a dance outfit and an evening gown. This is one of the best opening title sequences...ever!

After the credits we meet the entire Akerfield, CA police department - three dumb cops - Black Cop, Hunky Honky Cop and Fat Cop. They are all sexist pigs who call our hero, Lt. Lacey Bond "honey," "girl" and "troublemaker". Lacey tells the three piggies that she wants to find out what "gut police work is all about" by going on special assignment for them. They doubt that she's capable of handling the case - so they devise a series of tests for her to pass - similar to what Queen Hippolyta came up with to find an Amazon worthy to come to Man's World. So they test her...

Lacey excels at target practice - so much that she blows the head off the target dummy. She then passes the driving test with flying colors after she drives a police car at 40 MPH backwards!!! If that's not enough, she must take on a martial artist named Bill McLardy, who looks like an extra from CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC. At first Bill kicks her ass and then calls her "honey", but then she goes all KILL BILL on him - kicking him in the balls, knocking him down repeatedly and breaking his tooth. So she passes the tests - and they tell her her assignment: she must infiltrate a female mafia that has been smuggling gigantic amounts of gold into the country! Huh? Then a professor (he wears a lab coat and glasses so you know he's smart) gives her a compact that's also a radio and a cigarette lighter that's a micro-miniature transmitter. Cool, just like Q! They tell her they will have the three pigs monitoring her at all times. She's says she's on her own - and she that's just the way she likes it!

Soon, she's on a stakeout with the pigs. We learn that 70 year old Maude Anderson and her 30 year old lover, Doc are behind the whole gold thing. There's a string of indictments against them, but so far no conviction. Looks like Lacey has a challenge ahead of her.

Soon, a chick in a Cadillac convertible attracts Lacey's attention - and she decides to chase her! Huh? The chick is beeping her horn at an old couple in a red Volvo, but she's cut off by the white van, and her car tumbles over a cliff and explodes! The pigs arrive and tell Lacey that the trunk of the car was laced with heroin and that she's responsible for killing the driver. Huh???

After a heated argument with the pigs, Lacey tries to make peace with them, but they are just not having it. Meanwhile, the two escaped convicts pop out of the trunk of another Caddy. We next meet Maude - who looks like a butch cross between Ruth Gordon and Grandma Walton. Maude is sitting in her backyard counting her money while her scantily clad girls frolic in the background. It's like a twisted HODGE PODGE LODGE. The two prisoners are introduced to Maude. When she learns that the Pam (the girl with the Afro) was a hooker, who escaped using a fake pistol - Maude asks "Since when do whores make guns and get involved in jailbreaks?" Hmmm....since when indeed.








Suddenly a crazy Asian girl shows up and begins the most insane racist tirade I've heard since Marge Schott. This is what she says: "I don't want any blacks around here. Blacks are lazy. They spill their guts when they get caught. They have sore feet and big asses. They shuffle and sing spirituals. They stink. I don't give a god damn shit for n******s!" Pam responds "Why honey, I've always said nice thinks about g***s." This was a scene I just needed to watch over and over again.

These two they have a HUGE fight - knocking each other all over the lawn furniture while the rest of the girls cheer them on. Pam beats the living daylights out of the Asian racist girl - and we are happy. Maude is pleased as well, responding "Okay black girl, you got yourself a job." Then we meet Maude's body-obsessed boyfriend, Doc - who is like the gross bastard child of Owen Wilson and Larry the Cable Guy.















After the girls go to their barracks, Doc rambles on about the girls to Maude and how he thinks they are all c***s. This guy is quite a catch, Maudie. Later she yells at him, telling him to stop lifting weights cause he's starting to look like a "dod damn gorilla!" Doc responds by telling her he wants to fuck, but she has a headache AND a sore throat!!! Ewwwwwww...

Meanwhile Lacey wins the pigs over by bringing them food and dressing like a stewardess. Then Lacey and the Hunky Honkey guy Frank are assigned to an undercover mission on Catalina! Back at girl camp, the other escapee (Janette) gives Pam a makeover while another girl slips into the shower with Doc. He resists and she calls him a fag. I'm calling GLAAD tomorrow. We're off to Catalina where Frank and Lacey play tourists - riding bikes, sailing a catamaran, eating shrimp cocktail, riding horses, eating wieners, swimming, drinking cognac - all as romantic music plays in the background. Then they fuck and drink Asti Spumanti and have "pillow talk" where he tells her that she's "a lady with a mission"...and a trick pelvis! Later they are tanning and drinking Tabs when Frank notices a call girl that's he's arrested before on another boat! Huh? Then the hooker notices him!!! From another boat- without binoculars!!! Is this possible at all? So then we have a high-speed game of chicken, which ends with Frank jumping on the other boat. The girls soon gang up on him, hitting him with oars and chains. Hot.

Lacey comes to Frank's rescue with her karate-chopping ways. She kicks ALL their asses very handily, takes the 5 girls prisoner and calls for help on her compact! Then a Paul Lynde look-a-like calls Maude to give her some information about the cops closing in on her. Maude is annoyed that she has to leave her tennis match - but escapes in a VW and then a seaplane! They manage to lure Lacey to their lair, where Doc ties her up and beats her mercilessly. Maude declares "that's enough, for now."

The two escaped cons (Janette and Pam) then recognize Lacey - but think she's one of them! Maude offers her a job - and she accepts! The girls then have a party, and over dinner Janette realizes that Lacey's a cop...and SO IS PAM!!! That's why the title is POLICEWOMEN, not POLCEWOMAN!!! Then Pam and Janette have fight and Janette falls off a cliff. Did I mention Pam is wearing a "Black Pride" tee shirt?

So - turns out Pam is working for the Secret Service - tracking Maude's gold shipments. We find out that the gold is coming in via stock footage of submarines!!! Soon the girls are unloading the gold from the sub and dressing in army uniforms - but Doc discovers that Lacey has a tracking device...the lighter! Maude pulls a gun on them and tells them they are going shove them off a cliff. Lots of cliff in this film, no?

In the back of a convoy of Army trucks, Lacey kicks Doc's ass and Pam grabs the gun from Maude. Then Lacey gives a karate chop to the driver...and they jump from truck to truck, hijacking the convoy. Lacey next takes on the racist Asian chick - getting the final word on that one.

Later, Lacey tells the pigs where the rest of the gold is and Frank tells her that hey are going to be working together again soon. Set up for a sequel??? Then they fuck in a cop car. Meanwhile, Maude is hauled off to jail - and tells Doc that next time they'll try diamonds!

This one's a winner. 9 outta 10 in my book. Rent it, buy it, love it.

NIGHT OF THE DEMON

Here's a classic post from when I actually had time to watch movies.














Ever wonder what "Dana Andrews said prunes gave him the runes...and passing them used lots of skills" refers to in the song "Science Fiction Double Feature" from THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW? Or the lyric "Its in the trees! Its coming!" from Kate Bush's "Hounds of Love"? Well look no further than 1957's NIGHT OF THE DEMON. And, oh what a night it is!













Directed by Jacques Tourneur, it all starts with a shot of some famous big rocks with some cryptic mumbo jumbo about evil and witchcraft and "the runes". (Runes were letterforms used to write Germanic languages before and shortly after the Christianization of the British Isles).











After our credit sequence where we learn that Dana Andrews is our star, we see an unknown man (not Dana) driving down a long, dark wooded road - he stops at an opulent mansion called Lufford Hall - it looks very much like a University building. We learn that this man is Professor Henry Harrington (Maurice Denham) and he's here to see Dr. Julian Karswell (Niall MacGinnis). Karswell's butler lies to Harrington and tells him that the man of the manor is not at home. Karswell then appears and he and Harrington go back and forth about some study that the Professor has been working on. Apparently something sinister has been uncovered and the Professor is frightened for his life. Karswell he just wants privacy for himself and his dedicated followers. The situation goes unresolved and the Professor leaves and gets in his car and drives away. He parks in his garage, when suddenly a GIANT smoke ball appears in the sky. So what does he do? He gets back in his car and drives directly into a telephone pole. Then a GIANT DEMON attacks him!!!

Meanwhile, Dana Andrews is flying to London (we know this because he is trying to sleep on the plane with a newspaper covering his face. The newspaper headline reads something like "Professor Holden Flies to London". I swear!) Unable to sleep because some woman behind him is fiddling with her meal tray - he asks a stewardess for a mask - she suggests he pop some pills instead. Drug pusher!!! The meal tray woman asks if she can change her seat because she realizes that she's annoying Dana. Too late, we're already half-way there. Wonder if the woman has a newspaper that says "Annoying Woman Flies to London"?

Professor Harrington has sent a driver to pick up Dana at the airport, but Dana is assaulted by reporters who want to know WHY he's in England. (Apparently tomorrow's headlines will tell everyone). He tells them he's here to debunk myths about things like ghosts, hypnotism, demonology, zombies, witchcraft, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, etc.. We then learn that Harrington is dead - reports say he was electrocuted! No mention of the Demon. Hmmm...

Dana arrives at his hotel and is greeted by some British guy and two other visiting professors - who we will call Harold and Kumar. Harold tells us that's he been doing research into Karswell's Devil Cult - and specifically the case of a farmer named Hobart who was arrested for murder and placed in a home for the criminally insane. Huh? Kumar just stands around looking very un-Indian. Then they show Dana a drawing of a fire demon. Not sure who drew it. Harold's kid maybe? Then the phone rings - it's Dr. Karswell (How did he get the number?) - he tells Dana in no uncertain terms to rethink his planned expose - or else!











Next Dana goes to the British Museum - but it turns out that a 400 year old book that he wants to see is suddenly missing. Of course, Karswell shows up and declares that he OWNS a copy of that very same book, he then invites Dana to his place in the country for a visit. Wink, wink. Dana tells him he'll visit alright, but he's not gonna stop his "investigation". Karswell then knocks over a pile of papers that Dana is working on and slips in one of his business cards. Only there is cryptic note on the card, which disappears after Dana reads it! Spooky stuff!

Next we are at Professor Harrington's funeral - and guess who shows up? The annoying chick from the plane! Turns out she's Joann Harrington (Peggy Cummins), the late professor's nosy neice. She soon pays Dana a "visit" in his hotel room - with her uncle's diary. The diary contains Runic symbols and because of this she believes that the professor was killed by witchcraft!!! Or maybe he just drove into a telephone poll?

The next day, Dana and Joann pay Karswell a visit - during a magic show that Karswell is putting on for the local (devil worshipping?) kids. We learn that Halloween is only a few days away. Mother Karswell (Athene Seyler) is scooping out ice cream for the kids (and Joann) while her son and Dana discuss the powers of the mind. Did I mention that Karswell is in full clown makeup? Suddenly two creepy kids in Halloween masks jump out at them. Scared the crap outta me!

To show dense Dana that he means business, Karswell waves his hand and removes a protective shield from around his estate. Suddenly a violent windstorm begins, totally ruining the Halloween party. Then Karswell predicts that Dana will die in three days!!! He tells Dana to drop his investigation if he wants to live!!! Dana says no. Huh?

Meanwhile Joann gets kindly Mother K. to show her a book of Runic symbols - which is pretty and all - but it doesn't come with a translation key. Karswell chastises his mother and tells her that they live so well because of his "followers". Okay - where are these so-called followers???

Next Dana and Joann flirt about "causes and effects" i.e. "penises and vaginas". Then paranoid Dana suspects he's being followed - must have something to do with those loud footsteps we keep hearing, no? Later Dana whistles an Irish dirge for Harold and Kumar and waxes on about auto-suggestion and mass hysteria. These guys really know how to have fun!!! Dana tells the guys he's giving a speech on ESP - but they discover that his notes have been torn out of his notebook!!! So, he decides to meet up with Joann "for a drink". ;)

Dana discovers that Karswell passed him "the runes" on a piece of parchment when they met at the museum. Now Dana is cursed and doomed to die - if he only believed in such nonsense! So, since he's only got about 48 hours left he decides to visit the Hobart farm, where he's greeted by an angry English hillbilly with a shovel. Mrs. Hobart invites Dana in to talk - and the rest of the creepy white trash Hobart clan comes out of the woodwork. They all look like sideshow freaks and talk like Yoda. He begs Mrs. Hobart to sign a piece of paper which allows her murderous son to be released from the mental hospital so Dana can try to "help" him. The parchment then tries to escape from Dana's wallet and Mrs. Hobart declares "he has been chosen!"

Then Dana visits Stonehenge and sees that the writing on his parchment (it's like a big fortune-cookie fortune) matches the Runic hieroglyphics on the stone wall. So then he takes a taxi to meet Joann who's been hanging with Karswell's mother. I think Mother K. is giving Joann some special attention - if you know what I mean. Turns out Mother K. is having a seance and wants Dana and Joann to sit in. The medium is then taken over by a) an American Indian chief, b) a certain Mr. McGregor, c) a little girl who lost her doll and finally, d) Joann's uncle - who tells then that Karswell has a translation of the Runic book! Huh???

So, Joann drives Dana to Karswell's mansion after Mother K. tells him that her son is not home - so Dana climbs up a trellis into a open window! The room is filled with dusty antiques and crap covered in sheets. Do people actually cover things with sheets in real life, or only in old movies? We see a hand on the bannister - but wait I thought no one was home? Then we see a black cat! Good thing Dana is not superstitious! Then he finds the translation book - but the cat turns into a leopard and attacks him! Then Karswell appears along with his mother (How the hell did she get home and change into her nightgown so quickly?). Guess Karswell was home after all, thanks Mom. Feeling foolish, Dana decides to walk to his hotel - through the woods. He is followed by smoky footprints and a smoke cloud. Oh no...so he trips and falls and the smoke gets sucked back into the sky! Okay, what the fuck?

So, now it's 3AM and Dana and Joann (where the hell has SHE been?) are at the police station to report the mysterious smoke. The cops are like "what have they been smoking?" They think that Dana is "bewitched". Dana tells Joann that he walks under ladders, cross paths with black cats - he's made a career out of exposing phony superstitions. This pisses her off for some reason. I think she's wishing she was nestled warmly in Mother K's bosom eating ice cream instead of hanging around Debbie Downer Dana.

The next morning, crazy killer farmer Hobart has been released from the asylum. Mother K. calls Joann and bullshits to her about not knowing about her son being home. Yeah, right. She also tells her that someone else knows about the secret of the parchment. Whatever - hey Momma, have any more ice cream? Wanna stay in tonight and rent DESERT HEARTS?

It's now nighttime already - the night that Dana is supposed to die. Joann gets in her car, but she's not alone!!! Meanwhile, crazy killer farmer Hobart is brought in front of a small audience. They surmise that crazy killer farmer Hobart has lost all contact with reality - so they shoot him up with some drug which makes him totally freak out. Dana then hypnotizes him and puts him to sleep in a deep trance - then they give him a dose of (believe it or not) crystal methamphetamine!!!

It's clearly the night of the Demon - when Hobart declares "Its in the trees! Its coming!" and then tells Dana that the parchment was passed to him and he gave it back to the person who passed it to him (his brother), and that person died instead of him. Basically it's like playing "hot potato". Then Hobart freaks out and jumps out a window to his death - very REEFER MADNESS.

SPOILERS AHEAD: So, Dana then rushes to the train station to confront Karswell - jumping on a moving train - he finds Karswell, who has hypnotized and kidnapped Joann. Dana desperately tries to pass the runes back to Karswell, but the guy is just not having it. Eventually it does get passed - but it gets blown out of Karswell's pocket - so he chases the parchment onto the railroad tracks - where it catches fire!!! Suddenly at the same time, BOTH a train AND a demon are headed towards him. The train misses him, but the demon gets him. Dana goes to look at Karswell's dead body - but tells Joann "It's better not to know".














Oh. My. God. I LOVED this movie. Can't tell you what it's about or what it all means, but it's just so atmospheric and interesting that it doesn't matter. Dana Andrews is fun to watch and the rest of the cast as well, even bitchy Joann grows on you after a while. I give it a 10 outta 10. But I wanna know what "prunes" has to do with it all. FYI - there is another version (the US edit) of the film called CURSE OF THE DEMON which is 20 minutes sorter. It's worth seeking out this version to get the full effect.

Happy 'Dougsploitation Diva' Birthday to Dolly Parton!

As a birthday tribute to the ultimate Dougsploitation diva (she turns 64 today!) here's a rerun of a post from a few years ago.













In August of 2008, less than a week after a 5.4 earthquake hit Los Angeles, there suddenly came another unstoppable, unexplainable force of nature - Miss Dolly Parton, performing at the Greek Theater!!!


















In all the years that I've been a Dolly fan, I always managed to somehow miss her live shows. Well, this time I was not gonna let her get away.










Finally, 32 years after I first discovered Dolly on her first variety series, (the syndicated DOLLY, which aired Saturday nights at 7:30PM on Channel 5 WNEW Metromedia in New York from 1976-77) I was finally going to see her perform LIVE!














Well, perform is an understatement because Dolly transcends just about any other performer I've ever seen (well, maybe not kd lang or Liza, but pretty damn close). It's hard to describe what exactly it is about her. Maybe it's her angelic voice, her honest folksy charm, her self-deprecating humor, her sweet homespun storytelling, her ability to play almost any instrument, her heartfelt songwriting or her endless energy and devotion to making her audience happy. Dolly gave us exactly what we wanted: the best of her old hits, a sampling of her new stuff and enough crowd-pleasing antics to keep almost everyone entertained. What's not to love?















Suffice to say, I had a great time, despite the two drunken dancing lesbians who partially impaired my view and the elderly couple who sat in front of me completely stone-faced with their arms crossed the entire show. They looked like they were trapped in hell! I guess their daughter bought them tickets and they thought it was going to be an all-Republican audience. They really seemed annoyed when Dolly made fun of McCain's age. The rest of the crowd was a mix of drunk gays, drunk lesbians and drunk white trash - much like Dolly herself.













Over the years, I've enjoyed most of Dolly's recordings and TV appearances. Her films 9 TO 5 (which became an awesome stage musical) and BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS (see my review here) are great fun to watch. STRAIGHT TALK would have been better without the wooden James Woods. I remember liking STEEL MAGNOLIAS, but not enough to ever see it again. Maybe someday.













I've never seen RHINESTONE, a situation I need to rectify soon. (UPDATE: I watched it since this original post. No comment.)


















I also regret never watching her one-season 1987 ABC variety hour, also called DOLLY. Not sure why I avoided it, but I recall the critics being pretty harsh. Hopefully this series will turn up on dvd one day.











I've carried this Dolly Dollar in my wallet for 8 years (NOTE: 10 years now) since my trip to Dollywood, it reminds me that somewhere out there among the Red States is a "dry county" where large women and their inexplicably handsome husbands suck down fried green tomatoes while riding rickety rollercoasters and listening to a cacophony of Dolly 's greatest hits. My favorite memory of my trip to Pigeon Forge, Tenn. is visiting a supermarket, where I saw a one-armed man carrying an oversize package of diapers with his one arm, while smoking a cigarette. I thought to myself - that's real dedication.

















Anyways, back to Dolly. She looked great, sounded fantastic and was full of so positive energy, it was almost a spiritual experience. Of course she told many of the same breast and plastic surgery jokes we've been hearing her tell for years - but as long as she tells 'em, we'll be laughing with her. The best joke of the evening was when asked "What would you like for people to say about you 100 years from now?" Her reply was "Damn, she looks good!" I Love Dolly Parton!

PS - A compilation of episodes of DOLLY (the 1976-77 version) is now available on dvd from MPI Video as DOLLY PARTON & FRIENDS. Also, a great (and positively creepy) documentary about obsessive Dolly fans called FOR THE LOVE OF ONLY is worth seeing. I swear I am not one of the fans profiled.

The Return of THE DOLLAR TREE Double Feature

From September 2007.On a visit to the local Dollar Tree Store, I found an entire endcap of TWO FOR A DOLLAR dvds. After digging through hundreds, I actually found only two worth buying...and reviewing. Ladies and gentlemen I bring you The Dollar Tree Double Feature.

First up...EVEL KNIEVEL! Ever wonder how (the late) motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel got his start? Well director Marvin J. Chomsky attempted to tell us all about it in this 1971 biopic which combines unintentional laughs as George Hamilton (looking a lot like Count Chocula) wears the helmet and real chills with clips of actual stunts (most of which end up with Knievel in the hospital). The film traces real events from Evel's life, from his early years as troubled young man to his success as the man with more broken bones in his body than anyone else.

There's plenty of white trash antics as we flashback to Evel's roots, and his career as a unsuccessful bank robber. At times I felt like I was watching an episode of MY NAME IS EVEL. The best scene involves young Evel busting into the all-girls home where his lady Linda lives. The den mother (let's call her Mrs. Garrett) seems more concerned that "there's a man in the house" than the fact that he's driving his cycle up and down the staircase and hallways looking for his gal. Another highlight is the decor of the apartment that Evel shares with his lady: one wall was black, one wall a brilliant blue and the third wall: wood paneling. The sofa? yellow leather! I kid you not. Just for that set decoration alone, this one gets 8 out of 10 "Huhs?". Also - there's a terrible theme song that we are treated to at least three times throughout the 90 minutes.

Our second feature has the unfortunate title IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME. Which of course, prompts one to ask "What time was that?". John Trent directed this 1976 Canadian romp which features John Candy (in his first film role) prominently displayed on the cover - despite him being in only two or three scenes.

The plot goes something like this: Anthony Newley (Joan Collin's real-life ex) plays a washed up writer is still shagging his ex-wife money-hungry Stefanie Powers, who is unhappily remarried to a wealthy construction contractor, who's sole aim seems to be to tear down her mother's house! Are you following this? Georgia then decides to support a candidate for mayor (Llyod Bochner, who married Collins on DYNASTY) by screwing him. Newley pulls a assortment of stunts in order to attract Stefanie's attention. Somewhere along the way, there's a crazy kidnapping scam, and two dopey cops (one played by Candy) show up to save the day. There's a madcap finale involving cops dressed as garbage men. Oh boy! Issac Hayes appears as Newley's artist friend and Yvonne DeCarlo (aka Lily Munster) has a few scenes as Stef's mother.

This is the kind of wild film farces that Americans and Brits made in the 1960s - it took our friends up north a bit longer to catch on. The tiresome slapstick is a bit much to take at times, as is seeing Newley with his shirt off. This one rates only about 5 out of 10 "Huhs?" - meaning it's bad, but not worth your time and effort to watch it. Even though it might seem like a good idea at the time...

Return to the Chicken Ranch...

I swear I'm not getting lazy...just really busy, okay?I was in the mood for a musical - so after perusing my vast collection, I decided on THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS! This 1982 adaptation of the Broadway smash (written and directed by Colin Higgins) was a box-office hit and is fondly remembered by fans of both Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds. I have not seen this film since it's theatrical release, so I decided to revisit it 25 years later (with an open mind). Oh yeah - it's based on a true story! Yee-ha!

Narrated by Jim Nabors as if he was hosting one of those Rankin-Bass Christmas specials, we learn all about the 150-year history of this "house of ill repute" through a rousing opening number, promising us that there's nothing dirty going on. I'm still amazed how happy, perky and clean the whores are...sadly, we never get to know any of them, they are just nameless ladies of the evening.

We soon meet our co-stars Burt & Dolly - At 46, Reynolds was still in pretty good post-Cosmo centerfold shape, and Dolly was at her peak following her stunning film debut in the comedy classic 9 TO 5 - and they do have a certain folksy chemistry. Reynolds plays Ed Earl, a sheriff and Dolly is Miss Mona, a madame who runs The Chicken Ranch - a very popular local brothel. These two have an ongoing affair and all seems pretty happy in whore-ville until we meet Houston-based peckerwood/electronic bounty hunter Melvin P. Thorpe (Dom DeLuise - looking slightly slimmer than usual), who stages a musical investigative report about the bordello on his "Watchdog Report" TV show.

Thorpe then brings his crusade to the town square and confronts Burt about taking payola and protecting the whores. Burt scares the be-jesus outta Thorpe and sends him packing (or so we think!). Burt celebrates by taking Dolly camping. They have a painfully long fireside heart-to-heart about spaceships, forgiveness, Jesus, politics, America, dreams, smiles, ballerinas, Dolly's tits, monogamy and other things whores routinely discuss with sheriffs.

The shit hits the fan later that night when Thorpe appears on the local 11:00 News with footage of Ed Earl cussing and firing a gun at him. The local gentry wants to calm the townfolk down and Burt agrees to talk to Dolly into closing down for two months. After a heated argument, Dolly agrees to shut it down. Only it's the day before the big Thanksgiving football game!!! The next day, the whores watch the game on TV as they decorate for the victory party and anticipate which team they are gonna get to screw.

Next up is the best locker room song & dance number ever filmed. Lots of jockstraps and fine naked asses, followed by shirtless shuffling in boxer shorts and tight jeans. Basically, it's Texas two-step night at Oil Can Harry's. And then the eventual bus ride to the Chicken Ranch. To create drama, the bus breaks down and the boys hitch a ride with an old geezer. Dolly and the whores are all awaiting - wearing prom gowns for the special occasion - but not for long! Luckily there was one black whore for the one black football player! (After all it is the south!) I strained my eyes to see if the Asian whore found a likewise Asian footballer. Couldn't tell. Then they all FUCK! Yay!

Jim Nabors shows up at Burt's and tells him that something dirty's going on at the Ranch even though Dolly promised. Of course, Thorpe shows up with camera crew and all hell breaks loose as half-naked whores and jocks battle Thorpe and his crew. What follows as another even more heated argument between Burt & Dolly - and Dolly accuses him of being a chicken-shit sheriff in a chicken-shit town!!! I love when Dolly uses swear words! Then he calls her a "whore" (which she is, kind of). Dolly later tells her housekeeper that she loves Burt. Awww...

The Chicken Ranch soon becomes a political hot potato as the townfolk and local politicos are divided about the issue. We soon meet Oscar-nominee Charles Durning, as the Governor - and his well-remembered musical tribute to political double-talk "Sidestep". The song is clever, reminding me of "One Foot In Front of Another" from SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN - but something about Durning singing and dancing gives me a feeling of anguish. Can't explain why.

Burt and the Governor debate about the Ranch - but Gov. Durning declares to "Shut it down" after a poll claims that's what his people want. They we are "treated" to another rendition of "Sidestep" - this time with a marching band! Burt calls Dolly - apologizes for the other night and tells her to close it down...leading to my favorite Dolly Parton song ever - "Hard Candy Christmas" and some of the whores actually get a bit of airtime as they bid farewell to the cathouse they call home. The girls wave goodbye and board a Greyhound outta whore-ville and Dolly is left alone with her housekeeper. Back to narration by Jim Nabors (who's now the sheriff!).

After Dolly learns that Ed Earl went to the Governer to defend her and the whores, he pays her a visit. He tells Dolly he loves her - and she tells him she's loved him since she was 16! Then Dolly sings her chestnut "I Will Always Love You" a million times better than Whitney Houston could ever sing it! Burt then proposes marriage to Dolly (which she accepts), even though that might endanger his chances to be elected as a state legislator (he is elected anyway, after all this IS Texas!). Happy Hollywood Ending!!!

Of course, the stage play and this film take many liberties in telling the story of the infamous Chicken Ranch. For a more accurate version of the story, visit The Chicken Ranch! The real Melvin P. Thorpe, Marvin Zindler died recently at age 86.

I give this one a big 8 out of 10 "Huhs?" just for the candy-coated fictionalization of a real news story and for Burt's horrible singing. But there's nothing dirty going on!