HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH

In the tradition of BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS and TROLL 2 (sequels that have absolutely nothing to do with the original), comes HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982, Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace) a sci-fi / horror film and the third installment in the popular HALLOWEEN series - but intended to be the first in an annual anthology series, releasing a new storyline every year around Halloween. So rather that continue the story of madman slasher Michael Myers, this oddball entry focuses on an evil scheme by the wacky owner of the Silver Shamrock Halloween mask company to pull a giant prank on Halloween night by controlling all of America's children through a trio of masks - a witch face, a pumpkin head, and a skull. The only mention of the previous HALLOWEEN films a scene where the trailer for the original film is seen on a TV set.
The story goes like this: a week before Halloween, a costume shop owner named Harry is being stalked by gang of dudes wearing business suits. Harry seeks shelter at a service station, but eventually collapses - in his hand is a Silver Shamrock pumpkin head mask. The gas station attendant transports Harry to hospital. Harry warns him "They're gonna kill us. All of us."

We are then treated to the first of many Silver Shamrock Halloween mask TV commercials. Sung to the tune of "London Bridge is Falling Down," the ad counts down the days until Halloween, encouraging child viewers to buy a new Silver Shamrock mask: "Eight more days 'til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Eight more days 'til Halloween, Silver Shamrock!" Their advertising budget must have been astronomical!
Next we meet Dan Challis, a hard drinking deadbeat dad who is also a brilliant doctor. Harry is hospitalized, but that doesn't last long, because his first visitor rips his head apart, killing him instantly. And it wasn't even visiting hours! The mystery head-ripper then goes to his car, where he drenches himself with gasoline and explodes. Ka-boom! Enter Harry's young daughter Ellie, who looks like a cross between singers Pat Benatar, Toni Basil and HAPPY DAYS' Joanie Cunningham. Ellie and the dirty doc soon team up to figure out what happened to Harry. Dr. Dan needs a drink.All clues seem to point to Santa Mira, CA, where Harry was last seen. The sleepy town is also the headquarters of the Silver Shamrock Novelty company. Surely Dan is disappointed that there is no happy hour in this town.The duo check into the local hotel, where Harry stayed right before he died. When Ellie insists on one room, Dan starts to get ideas about her.They soon learn Conal Cochran (who I swore they called "Colonel Cockring" ) and his mask factory are the sole source of income for Santa Mira. Meanwhile, booze hound Dan keeps calling his flirty Shelly Long lookalike friend who works in the hospital morgue to check if she's found anything the the ashes of the exploded car. This happens about three times.
Suddenly the movie becomes NATIONAL LAMPOON'S HALLOWEEN when we meet the other guests of the hotel: loudmouth Marge Guttman and the Buddy and Betty Kupfer and their son Little Buddy. They are all there to order new masks for Halloween - which is now only days away!!!Later, Dan and Ellie have sex. Ewwwww. The next day, the group gets a tour the Silver Shamrock factory and meet Mr. Burns, er Col. Cockring, er Cochran. All of Mr. C's workers seem to be young white men dressed in suits. Turns out Harry's car is being stored in the basement of the factory.
After Ellie is kidnapped by the men in suits, Dan sneaks into the factory, where he learns that Mr. C.'s henchmen are actually robots! What? Soon Dan is captured too and Mr. C. reveals that the Silver Shamrock logo on the inside of the rubber masks contain a device that is powered by a crumb of Stonehenge! Seriously.
When final Silver Shamrock TV commercial airs simultaneously on all three networks on Halloween, the device will activate, causing the childrens' heads to dissolve and emitting both crickets and snakes. Happy Halloween!
I don't want to spoil it, but in the end Dan manages to escape, rescue Ellie, and sabotage Mr. C's plans. Lots of things go boom and Halloween is saved from the Grinch. A surprise twist ending causes one to yell "what the fuck?" to the TV screen elevates this flick to an 7 outta 10. My biggest disappointment is that there's no witch anywhere in the film, except for the rubber mask...shouldn't it have been subtitled SEASON OF THE MASK?

Return to THE WONDERFUL LAND OF OZ

To celebrate the opening of Disney's OZ: THE GREAT AND POWERFUL, I've decided to re-post a look at a little-known sequel to THE WIZARD OF OZ that my good friend Danny wrote way back in 2006. Take it away, Danny...

It all started innocently enough with a wonderful dinner from Kung Pao Bistro, then something went horribly wrong!!!!

For the next 70 minutes I was horrified to be watching THE WONDERFUL LAND OF OZ, a 1969 "sequel" to THE WIZARD OF OZ directed by Barry Mahon, also known for such classics as SANTA AND THE THREE BEARS, SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY

and I WAS A MAN: THE TRUE STORY OF ANSA KANSAS, AN HERMAPHRODITE (It's true - look it up on IMDB.com).

If I was naughty as a child, surely this movie was my comeuppance!!!

It was just awful! The cardboard sets, the bad lighting, the horrible singing, the crappy story, the abominable acting and the purple papier-mache cow couldn't keep me from admitting that it was leaps and bounds better than Disney's Broadway crapfest known as TARZAN.

Anyway, this surreal movie goes beyond any description, but here goes; imagine THE BRADY BUNCH is putting on a fundraiser show in their backyard.

They've chosen to do THE CRYING GAME using leftovers from Alice's old crafting night class, Carol's discarded wardrobe and costumes from an abandoned AUSTIN POWERS sequel.

And since there are so many Brady kids, they have to just throw in some other characters, including the lying translator for Cindy to play. The Story, well it's the CRYING GAME , you know, for kids.

Um, this kid, Pit (the writer/director's son) makes a Pumpkinhead, it scares the witch (who looks like a DAWN OF THE DEAD background actress) who uses her magic powders to bring it to life.

Then they sing a song. Badly. Then the witch tells Pit she's gonna turn him into a stone statue so he sings a song about not wanting to be a statue. Badly.

With the help of Pumpkinhead (read: African American slave), he escapes and goes to the Emerald City where the gay Scarecrow rules, but the cattle call girls from the abandoned AUSTIN POWERS sequel led by a drum majorette, attack the City and take over, but regret that none of them knows how to make breakfast.

Anyhoo, Tip, his slave ; gay fag friend go to the Tin Woodsman, who's getting a hot lube/rub job from some smokin' chicks, for help.

Then, they meet up with Glinda who sings a random song decently, then takes them all back to the witch to get her help in finding Ozma, the princess and rightful heir to the stool, I mean throne.

So the witch brings the whole crying game thing in by revealing that Tip isn't really a boy, he's Ozma, a girl! Just like Ansa Kansas, only opposite! The wizard transexualized him so that Ozma would not be found. Glinda says she's gonna bring Ozma back and Tip is all, "But I don't wanna die!" and well, maybe the ACTUAL DIALOGUE would explain it best...

GLINDA: "It is not exactly that you are going to be a girl. You're going to remain Tip. The girl is Ozma. You are not exactly Ozma now, you have grown into an adventurous boy. When I transform you, Ozma will be the girl, and Tip will be your spirit, a wonderful, adventurous spirit, that will float out into the land beyond, and become a part of every little boy."

Ozma comes back and the AUSTIN POWERS rejects go to Denny's for a hearty breakfast.

Oh yeah, there was a disturbing purple cow that was late on ALL of its cues. I imagine the director (sic) saying, "Moo! That's all you have to say! One word! When he stops talking, you say "Moo!" Alright, I get that you may not be able to tell he's actually talking, but when his lips stop being slightly open, you say MOOOOOOOO!!!"
This movie should be avoided at all costs. Doug (who watched it WITH Danny) rates this a 3 outta 10. Only true OZ completists and Sam Raimi need to see it - if only to see how NOT to make an OZ film.

Return to PEYTON PLACE, Part 2

Yesterday I explored the "roots" of PEYTON PLACE, the hit primetime serial which debuted on ABC in the fall of 1964. I recently began watching the show on DVD and am becoming slightly obsessed with it.

The show originally aired twice a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays at 9:30PM) for it's first season and and both half-hours ranked in the Top 20 and leading the expansion to three nights a week (Tuesday, Thursday and Friday) in June 1965.

The lovely Dorothy Malone assumed the role of Constance MacKenzie (following in the footsteps of Lana Turner and Eleanor Parker), the single mother who ran the local bookshop and raised sweet, naive Allison (played by 19-year-old newcomer Mia Farrow).

In the very first episode Dr. Michael Rossi (Ed Nelson) arrives from the big city to set up shop following the death of Doctor Donald Brooks. Turns out Rossi was present at Alison's birth and knows something about her absentee father. This freaks Constance out - and clues to the baby daddy's true identity are dropped.

Sweet innocent Allison is drawn to bad boy Rodney Harrington (Ryan O'Neal, wearing some very revealing trousers) and mama Connie is none to happy about this - mostly because Rodney already has a girlfriend.

Meanwhile, Rodney's father Leslie Harrington (Paul Langton) is about to enter into a torrid affair with his secretary Julie Anderson (Kasey Rogers), when Rodney walks in on them! We soon finf out that Julie's husband is an abusive salesman and she's much better off in her boss's arms.

Soon Julie's not-so-pure daughter Betty (played by future VALLEY OF THE DOLLS diva Barbara Parkins) is dumped by her boyfriend. Guess who? Rodney! Meanwhile Rodney's brother Norman (Christopher Connelly) is in love with Allison...

All these romantic entanglements and mysteries overlap and intertwine like the best of daytime soaps, though the show is not videtaped and scored with organ music, but filmed to look somewhat like a cross between a feature film and a sitcom.

The lush cinematic score and the gorgeous New England scenery elevate the show and give it a warmth and richness which I find very comforting.

The show ran for 5 seasons in total, and along the way it converted to color and featured great performers like Lee Grant, Ruth Warrick, Gena Rowlands, Ruby Dee, Barbara Rush, Mariette Hartley and even pre-AIRPLANE! Leslie Nielsen.

The show was canceled in 1969, but resurfaced on NBC in 1972 as the daytime series RETURN TO PEYTON PLACE. Several supporting actors returned in their original roles, but the major roles were recast. RETURN was axed in January 1974.

NBC aired MURDER IN PEYTON PLACE (1978) in primetime and it reunited many of the original cast members. Another NBC sequel, PEYTON PLACE: THE NEXT GENERATION aired in 1985 and was intended as a pilot for a new series, which never materialized. Maybe the CW has a revival up it's sleeves?

As a continue watching the first season, I look forward to future releases of PEYTON PLACE from Shout! Factory

Return to PEYTON PLACE, Part 1

I've often been accused of being out of step with the mainstream. While millions thrill to AMERICAN IDOL week after week, I long for the days of THE GONG SHOW. While others drool over DANCING WITH THE STARS, I reminisce about DANCE FEVER and while the masses were tuning in to watch the final season of LOST, I found myself watching season one of PEYTON PLACE.

 That's right, PEYTON PLACE, the grandaddy of prime-time soaps, which ran on ABC from 1964 through 1969.

PEYTON PLACE started life as a scandalous best-selling 1956 novel by Grace Metalious. Set in a fictitious New England town that appeared all prim and proper on the surface, but was full of dark and dirty secrets!

The book was adapted into a hit film in 1957 starring Lana Turner as Constance MacKenzie.

 A semi-star (as opposed to all-star) supporting cast included Hope Lange, Russ Tamblyn and Lorne Greene.

In 1959 Metalious was back on the best seller list with a sequel, RETURN TO PEYTON PLACE.

The second book was then made into a film in 1961, with entirely different (and less expensive) actors assuming the roles.

Eleanor Parker, Carol Lynley and Tuesday Weld were among the new faces.

PEYTON PLACE came to television in September 1964. For more on PEYTON PLACE... (as they say in the world of soaps) tune in tomorrow...