CAPTAIN EO Returns!

In celebration of CAPTAIN EO's return to Disneyland, here's my THIRD posting of my controversial review of CAPTAIN EO, the movie.Now that the smoked has cleared. I think it's safe to rerun this controversial review of CAPTAIN EO from 2008. In light of news from last summer, I've decided to dust it off, clean it up just a bit and respond to some of my critics. It's not often that one gets an opportunity to review a theme park attraction movie, especially one that's over 20 years old and no longer used because of its star's reputation for being an alleged pedophile, so when given the chance to see CAPTAIN EO (1985, directed by Francis Ford Coppola!!!) again - I practically moonwalked!This ambitious (to say the least) short was filmed in 3-D and had George Lucas attached as a writer/producer. Not the cool George Lucas of STAR WARS, but the cheesy George Lucas responsible for such dreck as the Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks. Also, I might add that this Francis Ford Coppola is not the class act "A List" director responsible for the GODFATHER saga, but the evil madman who foisted his daughter Sofia upon an unsuspecting world. One wonders if Coppola and Lucas signed a pact with the devil (aka Michael Eisner) to make this mess.This $30 million movie (Imagine what I could do with that money!!!) tells the story of Captain EO (played by a pre-skin bleached Michael Jackson) and his "ragtag" crew (basically the Banana Splits from Saturday mornings past) traveling in his space craft, which I'll call MLSTR-1, on some sort of a mission from a hologram named Commander Bog (played by Dick Shawn, who later died on stage the next year during a performance of his one-man show), that I believe (from what I could decipher) to deliver a something to a evil queen (this is Disney after all - there HAS to be an evil queen and an innocent princess) named "the Supreme Leader" - played by the fabulous Angelica Huston in H.G. Giger meets KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN make-up -that's funny I always thought Diana Ross was the Supreme leader!We first meet Captain EO and his Sid & Marty Krofft-inspired crew, consisting of a dumb, bumbling Dumbo-like creature named "Hooter", an annoying flying "bug" which I think is named Fuzzball (was WEBSTER not available?), a thing with two heads, a robot called Major Domo (?) with a small robot named Minor Domo, who plugs himself into the back of the larger robot. No comment. They soon fly past a giant space rock that looks like Michael's old nose, that explodes, reportedly causing the audience to scream with delight. I don't recall since 3-D movies give me migraines and I usually don't wear the plastic eye disease-spreading glasses that they hand out.
Once they arrive on Planet Huston, they encounter Angelica, who lives in a place that looks like a dirty, flithy warehouse, decorated with scrap metal and disconnected wires. She is the only cool thing in this entire 17-minute opus, and she orders her storm troopers to take them captive - and she sentences them to be tortured. IF ONLY, because I'm already in pain from watching this, and I don't like to suffer alone!

Princess EO tells the Queen that he sees the hidden "beauty" within her - all she needs is some good plastic surgery and that he has a gift to help unleash it. Then the first "music video" portion of the evening begins, but clumsy Hooter trips into EO and breaks his instrument, stopping the music. I was almost expecting EO's hair to catch on fire!

Before the grande bitch's guards can capture EO, Hooter fixes the problem (damn you Hooter!!!) and there's a blast of music, which gives EO super human powers - transforming the storm troopers into Solid Gold dancers.

Then a THRILLER-like dance number begins, followed by a dreadful song, "We Are Here to Change the World" - during which he uses his powers and magical rainbow tee-shirt to transform the Queen into a "beautiful woman" and her planet is transformed into an OZ-like paradise. Then we are "treated" to another crappy song called "Another Part of Me" which I think may have referred to Michael's allegedly polka-dotted penis.

And then it's over. Thankfully. I have to say –with all respects to the recently departed megastar–I have never owned a single Michael Jackson record, 8-track tape or cd EVER ("We are the World" doesn't count, does it?) -and this little film exemplifies why. In my book, I never found "the man in the mirror" to be a genius that most people did. I'm sorry.

As a kid, I did enjoy the JACKSON 5IVE cartoon series, and really loved little Janet as child-abuse victim Penny on GOOD TIMES (nothing says "good times" better than the imprint of a clothes iron burned into your flesh), but that's as far as my Jackson tolerance goes.

I guess I'll never understand how and why people are drawn to such marginally talented "pop stars" - well then again this is the same planet where AMERICAN IDOL and DANCING WITH THE STARS are the top 2 shows on TV. Give me the GONG SHOW any day. Oh, sorry - what was I reviewing? Oh yeah, CAPTAIN EO. It sucks, but not in "the good way". 2 outta 10.

Okay - that was my initial post (with a few minor edits). Here's the comments I received:

TEDDY writes: you're right, Captain Eo blows, I never did like Mickey Jackson either.

DOUG responds: Thanks Teddy.

JUSTIN writes: You can call E.O crap, but to say Michael Jackson isn't talented? What are you smoking? The man single-gloved handedly revolutionized the music business and every male pop and R&B artist that has followed after him has taken a note of two from his book; the same way female pop-stars follow Janet's career book as well (save for the SB wardrobe malfunction. Michael Jackson not talented.... indeed this is the first time i've ever read someone dismiss the man's talent.

DOUG responds: Well, just because someone inspires others to adapt certain aspects of their style doesn't really have anything to do with talent. It has to do with packaging and marketing - which, in the 1980s, was something that the Jackson camp was able to do extremely well. I just don't find his music or the music that it inspired very appealing - the same for his sister. Sorry. Justin - if I was smoking something I might have enjoyed EO more. Maybe next time?

ANONYMOUS writes: Wow, I agree with Justin, Michael jackson has had such a major influence in pop culture and the artists of today, i.e. Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown, Justin Timberlake, just to name a few. They all credit him as one of their inspirations. I'm not concerned with someone's appearance and quirkiness, as much as God-Given talent. you don't have to like the movie, ...it's from the 80's and was at Disney, but don't discount the kind of talent Michael Jackson has!

DOUG responds: Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown, Justin Timberlake. 4 prime examples of why music sucks today. Thank you for proving my point.

PAT writes: Pop music is in it's worst shape ever thanks to "influences" like Michael Jackson. Calling "performers" like Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown and Justin Timberlake "artists" just shows how far down the talent scale we've slid. They are all pretty crappy if you ask me, though I wouldn't mind seeing them naked. ;) Give me Tom Jones any day!

DOUG responds: I love you Pat. Tom Jones is the true king of pop.

LANCE writes: I too would like to see Justin Timberlake naked. Michael Jackson, not so much...

DOUG responds: I concur, Lance.

SEMI PERMANENT writes: Semi Permanent and medical micro pigmentation safely and expertly applied by fully qualified technicians with Royal College of Nursing approved training and British Association of Skin Camouflage certification. Clinics throughout England. Professional, sound advice. Excellent aftercare.

DOUG responds: That is hysterical. This officially ends our trip down memory lane. Rest in peace, Captain Eo.

SMALL WONDER on DVD Today!

For the past two weekends, while millions of people watched mundane stuff like the Grammys (yawn!) and the Super Bowl (whatever), I sat with a diverse group of 20-, 30- and 40something gay friends and watched back-to-back episodes of SMALL WONDER. If you have to ask why, then you don’t know Dougsploitation very well.

“She’s fantastic, made of plastic, microchips here and there . . . she’s a Small Wonder!”

Yes, SMALL WONDER the only sitcom about a humanoid robot . . . played by a ten-year-old girl. I’ve blogged about this series before, but only based on my vague memories of the show. Having now revisited it, with my friends as my witnesses – I can truly say that this series is so genius in it’s ineptitude and epic in it’s inappropriateness, that it truly transcends anything bad that has been said about it. The show revels in it’s own sitcomishness and provides belly laughs that could only be appreciated now in retrospect.

The show is built around the Lawson family, whose patriarch is fey scientist father Ted Lawson (Dick Christie – cross between John Ritter and Skip Stephenson) who brings home his top secret invention, a Voice Input Child Identicant or V.I.C.I.! V.I.C.I., as portrayed by Tiffany Brissette, is so much like a real human girl that everyone thinks she is, despite her odd speech patterns and inability to perform common tasks without taking the instructions literally. V.I.C.I.’s presence turns the Lawsons’ lives upside down when the child/object forces them into one embarrassing situation after another.

Luckily Ted’s annoying boss, Mr. Brindle is also his nosy next-door neighbor – so there’s plenty of contrived, stolen-from-familiar-classic-sitcom-mishaps to be had. The family decides to pass off “Vickie” as a real child – at first their niece and eventually their adopted daughter. Ted’s anorexically thin wife Joan (Marla Pennington – a cross between Florence Henderson, Shelley Long and a curtain rod) can’t help doting on Vickie like the daughter she never had. Mom’s atrocious 1980s outfits and megathick belts provide lots of laughs. Oh, and she does NOTHING except housework and bitching about not getting enough sex.

Feminized son Jamie (Jerry Supiran) feels misplaced and uses Vickie as a servant to help him sail through life easier. Oddly, the Lawsons continue to force Vickie to sleep in Jamie’s toy closet and wear the same outfit even though they treat her more and more like a real family member.

Redheaded stalkerish Cabbage Patch Doll lookalike Harriet (Emily Schulman) provides comedy, but I feel sorry for the tyke who is forced to deliver cringe-worthy dialogue as a set-up for being constantly insulted by other kids and adults alike. Harriet’s mom is played by lovable sitcom veteran Edie McClurg, who adds a nice touch of professionalism to the whole affair. Actually, the only touch of professionalism.

While watching the show, I took note of some of the many improper lines of dialogue spoken between various characters. This is a just a sampling from episodes 1-6:

“I just gave her a taste of my chocolate milkshake.”

“If she was a real girl, we'd need another bathroom.”

“I'll fix that - Vickie - stand up and turn around.”

“We have an important part for you - turn around & bend over.”

“Rodney is cute, he turns me on.”

“I hope you don’t mind me coming in your back door.”

I also took note that the Set Dressers have either slyly or innocently included some form of rainbow artwork into every episode. Watch for yourself, and take a drink every time you spot one. You’ll be hammered in under an hour.

The show ran for five seasons, and has since withstood the test of time to emerge as a classic neon beacon of ’80s nostalgia and pop culture. SMALL WONDER: The Complete First Season, debuts on DVD today via the fine folks at Shout! Factory. Along with all 24 episodes (in original broadcast order) there are bonus features including commentary from the not nearly as clueless as you might think cast and crew.

I have one copy to give away to the SMALL WONDER fan who answers this trivia question first: What do the Lawson’s do to pass Vickie off as a real girl for her adoption physical?

SMALL WONDERs Never Cease

In days like these when good news is hard to find, it's good to know that a month from tomorrow (February 16, 2010), SMALL WONDER finally arrives on dvd! Dougsploitation is sure to have some fresh posts about the show, but in the meantime, he's another rerun of my post from a while back. Enjoy!

SMALL WONDER was a syndicated sitcom that from 1985 to 1989. In New York, where I lived at the time, it aired Saturday nights on Channel 5, WNEW (or WNYW) - around the time the station became a FOX affiliate.The show felt like an awkward throwback to the 1960s, especially with it's cheesy theme song. The premise was this: some nerdy scientist guy secretly builds a robot that looks like a 10-year-old girl, but she really is designed to perform house work at superhuman speed. The Robot is named Vicki, and this guy and his wife pass her off as their adopted daughter–even though they make her sleep in the box she came in!!! Very creepy!Complicating things are the guy's bastard of a boss, who lived next door with a nosy, bratty daughter. It was like THE JETSONS meets BEWITCHED meets MY LIVING DOLL (which I've never seen - but am dying to!) I can recall watching several episodes of this show just out of disbelief that it actually got "greenlit". It must have had some loyal fans because it lasted FOUR seasons!Of course, now I wish it was airing somewhere. Hello, TV LAND? Here's an ambitious fan site dedicated to the show. I'm sure the show is even (unintentionally) funnier as seen through 2008 eyes. I say "give me SMALL WONDER over over-hyped crap like GOSSIP GIRL any day!"

Apparently, after four seasons, yes, wonders do indeed cease.

Return of the Worst TV Show Ever!

With news that SMALL WONDER is finally coming to DVD, I've decided to rerun a post from last fall about the show.

SMALL WONDER was a syndicated sitcom that from 1985 to 1989. In New York, where I lived at the time, it aired Saturday nights on Channel 5, WNEW (or WNYW) - around the time the station became a FOX affiliate.The show felt like an awkward throwback to the 1960s, especially with it's cheesy theme song. The premise was this: some nerdy scientist guy secretly builds a robot that looks like a 10-year-old girl, but she really is designed to perform house work at superhuman speed. The Robot is named Vicki, and this guy and his wife pass her off as their adopted daughter–even though they make her sleep in the box she came in!!! Very creepy!Complicating things are the guy's bastard of a boss, who lived next door with a nosy, bratty daughter. It was like THE JETSONS meets BEWITCHED meets MY LIVING DOLL (which I've never seen - but am dying to!) I can recall watching several episodes of this show just out of disbelief that it actually got "greenlit". It must have had some loyal fans because it lasted FOUR seasons!Of course, now I wish it was airing somewhere. Hello, TV LAND? Here's an ambitious fan site dedicated to the show. I'm sure the show is even (unintentionally) funnier as seen through 2008 eyes. I say "give me SMALL WONDER over over-hyped crap like GOSSIP GIRL any day!"

Apparently, after four seasons, yes, wonders do indeed cease.

CAPTAIN EO Revisited

Now that the smoked has cleared. I think it's safe to rerun this controversial review of CAPTAIN EO from last spring. In light of recent news, I've decided to dust it off, clean it up just a bit and respond to some of my critics. It's not often that one gets an opportunity to review a theme park attraction"movie, especially one that's over 20 years old and no longer used because of its star's reputation for being an alleged pedophile, so when given the chance to see CAPTAIN EO (1985, directed by Francis Ford Coppola!!!) again - I practically moonwalked!This ambitious (to say the least) short was filmed in 3-D and had George Lucas attached as a writer/producer. Not the cool George Lucas of STAR WARS, but the cheesy George Lucas responsible for such dreck as the Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks. Also, I might add that this Francis Ford Coppola is not the class act "A List" director responsible for the GODFATHER saga, but the evil madman who foisted his daughter Sofia upon an unsuspecting world. One wonders if Coppola and Lucas signed a pact with the devil (aka Michael Eisner) to make this mess.This $30 million movie (Imagine what I could do with that money!!!) tells the story of Captain EO (played by a pre-skin bleached Michael Jackson) and his "ragtag" crew (basically the Banana Splits from Saturday mornings past) traveling in his space craft, which I'll call MLSTR-1, on some sort of a mission from a hologram named Commander Bog (played by Dick Shawn, who later died on stage the next year during a performance of his one-man show), that I believe (from what I could decipher) to deliver a something to a evil queen (this is Disney after all - there HAS to be an evil queen and an innocent princess) named "the Supreme Leader" - played by the fabulous Angelica Huston in H.G. Giger meets KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN make-up -that's funny I always thought Diana Ross was the Supreme leader!We first meet Captain EO and his Sid & Marty Krofft-inspired crew, consisting of a dumb, bumbling Dumbo-like creature named "Hooter", an annoying flying "bug" which I think is named Fuzzball (was WEBSTER not available?), a thing with two heads, a robot called Major Domo (?) with a small robot named Minor Domo, who plugs himself into the back of the larger robot. No comment. They soon fly past a giant space rock that looks like Michael's old nose, that explodes, reportedly causing the audience to scream with delight. I don't recall since 3-D movies give me migraines and I usually don't wear the plastic eye disease-spreading glasses that they hand out.
Once they arrive on Planet Huston, they encounter Angelica, who lives in a place that looks like a dirty, flithy warehouse, decorated with scrap metal and disconnected wires. She is the only cool thing in this entire 17-minute opus, and she orders her storm troopers to take them captive - and she sentences them to be tortured. IF ONLY, because I'm already in pain from watching this, and I don't like to suffer alone!

Princess EO tells the Queen that he sees the hidden "beauty" within her - all she needs is some good plastic surgery and that he has a gift to help unleash it. Then the first "music video" portion of the evening begins, but clumsy Hooter trips into EO and breaks his instrument, stopping the music. I was almost expecting EO's hair to catch on fire!

Before the grande bitch's guards can capture EO, Hooter fixes the problem (damn you Hooter!!!) and there's a blast of music, which gives EO super human powers - transforming the storm troopers into Solid Gold dancers.

Then a THRILLER-like dance number begins, followed by a dreadful song, "We Are Here to Change the World" - during which he uses his powers and magical rainbow tee-shirt to transform the Queen into a "beautiful woman" and her planet is transformed into an OZ-like paradise. Then we are "treated" to another crappy song called "Another Part of Me" which I think may have referred to Michael's allegedly polka-dotted penis.

And then it's over. Thankfully. I have to say –with all respects to the recently departed megastar–I have never owned a single Michael Jackson record, 8-track tape or cd EVER ("We are the World" doesn't count, does it?) -and this little film exemplifies why. In my book, I never found "the man in the mirror" to be a genius that most people did. I'm sorry.

As a kid, I did enjoy the JACKSON 5IVE cartoon series, and really loved little Janet as child-abuse victim Penny on GOOD TIMES (nothing says "good times" better than the imprint of a clothes iron burned into your flesh), but that's as far as my Jackson tolerance goes.

I guess I'll never understand how and why people are drawn to such marginally talented "pop stars" - well then again this is the same planet where AMERICAN IDOL and DANCING WITH THE STARS are the top 2 shows on TV. Give me the GONG SHOW any day. Oh, sorry - what was I reviewing? Oh yeah, CAPTAIN EO. It sucks, but not in "the good way". 2 outta 10.

Okay - that was my initial post (with a few minor edits). Here's the comments I received:

TEDDY writes: you're right, Captain Eo blows, I never did like Mickey Jackson either.

DOUG responds: Thanks Teddy.

JUSTIN writes: You can call E.O crap, but to say Michael Jackson isn't talented? What are you smoking? The man single-gloved handedly revolutionized the music business and every male pop and R&B artist that has followed after him has taken a note of two from his book; the same way female pop-stars follow Janet's career book as well (save for the SB wardrobe malfunction. Michael Jackson not talented.... indeed this is the first time i've ever read someone dismiss the man's talent.

DOUG responds: Well, just because someone inspires others to adapt certain aspects of their style doesn't really have anything to do with talent. It has to do with packaging and marketing - which, in the 1980s, was something that the Jackson camp was able to do extremely well. I just don't find his music or the music that it inspired very appealing - the same for his sister. Sorry. Justin - if I was smoking something I might have enjoyed EO more. Maybe next time?

ANONYMOUS writes: Wow, I agree with Justin, Michael jackson has had such a major influence in pop culture and the artists of today, i.e. Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown, Justin Timberlake, just to name a few. They all credit him as one of their inspirations. I'm not concerned with someone's appearance and quirkiness, as much as God-Given talent. you don't have to like the movie, ...it's from the 80's and was at Disney, but don't discount the kind of talent Michael Jackson has!

DOUG responds: Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown, Justin Timberlake. 4 prime examples of why music sucks today. Thank you for proving my point.

PAT writes: Pop music is in it's worst shape ever thanks to "influences" like Michael Jackson. Calling "performers" like Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown and Justin Timberlake "artists" just shows how far down the talent scale we've slid. They are all pretty crappy if you ask me, though I wouldn't mid seeing them naked. ;) Give me Tom Jones any day!

DOUG responds: I love you Pat. Tom Jones is the true king of pop.

LANCE writes: I too would like to see Justin Timberlake naked. Michael Jackson, not so much...

DOUG responds: I concur, Lance.

SEMI PERMANENT writes: Semi Permanent and medical micro pigmentation safely and expertly applied by fully qualified technicians with Royal College of Nursing approved training and British Association of Skin Camouflage certification. Clinics throughout England. Professional, sound advice. Excellent aftercare.

DOUG responds: That is hysterical. This officially ends our trip down memory lane. Rest in peace, Captain Eo.

ROBO VAMPIRE

With Doug busy promoting his film SOCKET, we have recruited Danny to fill in with one of his outrageous reviews. Take it away Danny...

Okay, this will not be easy.  Usually I pick movies that I think will be delightfully bad, but at least understandable.  For the first time ever, no one understood our first feature, ROBO VAMPIRE (1988, directed by Joe Livingstone).
It starts with a goofy guy loading heroin into coffins, because the drug guys are using vampires as drug mules, right.  Okay, so the vampires won't wake up as long as they have the magic post-it on them.  Even so, a couple of the vampires get all uppity and escape from their coffins (we later discover that it's not heroin, but rice powder!  That's why the vamps got upset.)  They attack the goofy guy, who suddenly gets help from a wizardy/priesty guy. Truly it was really creepy the way the vampires BOUNCED toward their prey!
Can you imagine this bouncing toward you???  CREEPY!
 
..and it would appear that the head vampire was a big Ernie Kovacs fan cause he wears a gorilla mask like the one Ernie did for the classic Nairobi Trio sketch, you know the one...    

Anyway, it would seem that the Ernie Kovacs vampire is going to be put away until the arrival of the witch lady, who comes and shoots toilet paper at the wizard and she's all up in arms that her lover, Peter, is now the Kovacs Vampire and if the Wizard wants to live he has to marry them. Got it?
 
Okay, so the drug guys are are escorting the drugs about when they are suddenly ambushed by the NARCs led by Tom.  Well, Tom weren't expecting no vampires what go "BOING" and he gets his throat ripped out by Kovacs.
 
Then we meet the other Narcs and they say stuff like (Actual dialogue): “Now that Tom is dead, I want to use his body to create an android-like robot. I'd appreciate you approving my application.” 
"O'tay, Spanky, Amplication approofed!"... (Not actual dialogue, but exactly how it played...)
 
So they take downed anti-drug officer Tom and hook him up to the life support machine
I'm not sure exactly how it works, but I think if the minus sign flashes more than the plus sign, then it's bad... and vice versa.  Anyway, they put a car battery in him and make him an android-like robot... and don't let that poster art work up top fool you... he didn't look that much like Paul Fairyoven's ROBOCOP.  He actually looked like this...Maybe it's just me, but I think he'd compliment a futuristic sofa quite nicely.

Anyway, Robo-Tom goes around blowing things up good.  And then the wizard/priesty guy unleashes his bouncy vamps and they battle bot.

He defeats the bouncy vamps, but then Wizardy/Priesty guy pulls out a rocket launcher and blows up Robo-Tom good.  So, they hook Robo-Tom up to the life support machine.    There's more plus signs than minus flashes so he's going to be okay, cause it turns out t'was only a flesh wound... kidding, the movie says it was just a short circuit.  And now that he's all better, Robo-Tom goes to White Witch Lady & Kovacs Vamp's wedding where every one fights with everyone and there's boing, boing, boing, and flying toilet paper abound!  Robo-Tom pulls out a convenient flame thrower and burns Kovacs Vamp and all the boingy vamps. Then it ends.  Honestly, we couldn't figure out what was going on, who was who or what was what.  It seemed like 7-year-olds wrote the script going, "..and then this happens..."   I commend the film makers for taking the time to blow things up good, including one of the main characters. Unfortunately I give this movie more minus signs than plus signs.

THE DAY TIME ENDED

So this 1979 movie starts out with an at least four-minute shot of outer space with some guy babbling endlessly about something... then suddenly we see a few shooting stars head towards Earth. I imagined the opening notes of ELO's "I'm Alive" and hoped we'd soon see 9 fabulous muses streaking across LA. Unfortunately all we get is a little town (which I dubbed Tatooine) that gets showered with stardust.

Meanwhile, at LAX Jim Davis (aka Jock Ewing from DALLAS) pulls up to the curb and greets his futuristically dressed family, which includes his wife Miss Ellie (played by Dorothy Malone of PEYTON PLACE because Barbara Bel Geddes was busy). We soon meet his annoying granddaughter Jenny (who I will call "Punky Brewster") who is visiting with her mom and dad. Dad's working on some top secret project, so he won't be spending as much time with the family.

The family drives out to the dessert, where we first see grandpa Jock's solar-powered Monsanto House of the Future. Then Jock gives Punky a pony. Punky shows her Holly Hobbie doll to the pony and it runs away. When Punky calls for her pony, it does not respond, instead she is drawn to a green glowing pyramid...which she begins to chat with about her pony! Then she hugs the pyramid and her pony reappears. What the fuck???

Meanwhile, inside the house, Jock, Dorothy, their daughter and teen-age son discover that the house has been ransacked! They suspect some local bikers...but are distracted by little Punky who wants to show them the glowing pyramid. Of course it's gone when Punky brings the family to see it. After they leave she discovers it's shrunk to the size of an Everlasting Gobstopper - so she picks it up and puts it in her pocket! Nice going, Punky!

When Punky goes to wash up for dinner a cracked mirror suddenly repairs itself! Then the lights and bathroom water turn on and off by themselves! This is the house of the future! Or is it haunted by the past? After Miss Ellie eats some corn, her and grandpa Jock stroll along in the night desert and notice a bright light in the distance. Before you know it, 2 donut-shaped UFOs zoom over their heads. They practically ignore it and head inside.

I have decided that this family is not fazed by anything.

After Punky uses the toilet and doesn't wash her hands, she sees smoke in her bedroom - followed by the appearance of a pixie-like Claymation alien. The alien does a little ballet for her and then the two of them disappear. Then the alien visits Grandma. She screams. What the fuck...again???

Then there's a small earthquake - and they realize that Punky is missing. Not to worry, they soon find her outside where she was "playing with her friend".
Doesn't faze anyone. Okay, this family is just plain creepy.

Then the family car won't turn off - until Punky tells it too. Punky's mom wants to leave, but Grandpa assures everyone that he'll protect them with his pistol. Punky is then visited by a robotic flying toaster oven that burns a hole in her bedroom wall. Punky's missing again (I think - she goes missing a few times), but Jock's still got his pistol.

Suddenly there is a battle of Ray Harryhausen dinosaur creatures outside the house. What the what the fuck???

Meanwhile, Punky's dad tries to buy gas and the attendant gives him a hard time. He eventually gives in and charges him 65 cents a gallon - talk about inflation!

Back at Tatooine, Jock and his teenage son let some horses out to distract the monsters - and then the monsters chase the horses. I'm totally NOT making this up. I swear. After that the sky is suddenly ablaze with a bad fireworks display that reminded me of Fantasmic! at Disneyland.

Okay, After the fireworks end, the house is surrounded by a bunch of damaged vehicles - a plane, a train, an automobile, a truck..all sorts of shit. Then I think there are more fireworks and some crazy slow-motion shots of Punky and Jock running towards each other super-imposed over the fireworks. I think Punky goes missing again, this time with her mom. What the friggin' fuck???

Meanwhile, after crashing his car, Punky's dad is strolling through a field of yellow flowers - then he comes across a horse - could it be one of Jock's?

Jock declares that they are stuck in a "time space warp" with "...strange things and strange creatures" - and some vortex may have taken Punky and her mom. Jock and Miss Ellie look up to see two suns in the sky - just like on Tatooine!

The family then naps, but is awakened by a giant sun - which makes a small green pyramid. Don't ask. Punky's mom reappears - and she's suddenly at peace with the universe. She starts spouting something that I swear sounds like Dianetics - and she tells everyone that Punky is safe - in fact she's with her dad.

Then everyone is reunited and they look into the horizon to see...Oz! Yes - a beautiful crystal city awaits them and their "new way of life"!

This one was also known as EARTH'S FINAL FURY - but i'd like to call it EARTH'S FINAL WHAT THE FUCKING FURY. 10 outta 10 "Huhs?"