There She Is...

Apparently last night ABC aired The Miss America Pageant. Who knew? Reposting this entry from last year. Never been much of a beauty pageant fan, but the Miss America Pageant has always held a special space in my heart. Maybe it's because two of my favorite World War 2 superheroines were named Miss America - one from Timely/Marvel and and from Quality (later DC)?

Nah, I think it's because of the awesome old TV GUIDE ads that the networks used to run. Let's take a quick look at them.

This one is from 1973, back when the pageant used to air in early September. I love this ad for two reasons 1) The amazing "Mrs. Bellows" hair on the generic Miss America lady. 2) I think she's flying. A crown, a scepter and the power of flight. She's amazing!

The next year, 1974, things got weird. This was the era of Peter Max, neo-Art Deco and freaky "PBS-style" TV GUIDE ads. I love the the show that is airing on channel 40 is called HAPPINESS IS...

In 1977, the show moved to CBS and Bert Parks gets a call-out in the ad, along with co-star Phyllis George (1971 Miss America winner). Photos of actual pageant contestants are now being utilized.

Back to NBC in 1978 with a lovely photo of a real winner (possibly from the year before?). Bert and Phyllis are joined by Lee Meriwether (1955 Miss America). N B See Us!

1982, still on NBC - but Bert Parks is gone! Mr. Parks was let go in 1979, after hosting for 24 years. TV's TARZAN and FACE THE MUSIC host Ron Ely (pictured) is the "new" host. Two former Misses (Susan Powell, Dorothy Benbam) are shown as well.

A year later, Ron is gone and Gary Collins is in. Susan Powell is back and the special guest is former Fifth Dimension-er Marilyn McCoo! You don't have to be a star, to be in her show.

In 1986, Miss America turns her back to us. Shocking! Gary Collins still helms.

The following year, Collins was back and the font choice reached a new level of cheesiness, as did Miss America's gown. For some interesting facts and figures about the pageant, see below:

Tonight lightning safety advocates will be rooting for Ellen Bryan, Miss Ohio to win. She has been a spokesperson for lightning safety for several years. Ellen has made lightning safety and "when thunder roars, go indoors" her Miss America platform issue. Brains and beauty too! So there you have it, my quick look back at the Miss America Pageant. Actually, I preferred this pageant:

PRETTY Season 3, Episode 2

The Abductors

Here's a "review" I first ran back in 2008. Warning: This movie review contains shocking female nudity! Imagine watching THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK - and after it's over you realize there's another film called STAR WARS that you didn't even  know about. Well, my friends, this has sadly happened to me. THE ABDUCTORS (1972, directed by Don Schain) is the sequel to GINGER (1971) and the prequel to GIRLS ARE FOR LOVING (1973)! If I only knew this going in, I would have preferred to watch the trilogy in order-but since I didn't, I'll ignore the first one (for now) and tell you all about Episode 2 in the adventures of Ginger Cartwright, secret agent. One part James Bond, two parts Russ Meyer, THE ABDUCTORS is soft-core porn at its best. While there is plenty of nudity (full frontal for every female character and a few of the unnattractive males) and plenty of simulated sex acts - there is actually a semi-coherent plot going on in this movie. Like Jackie Collins, I will italicize all the naughty parts. So here's the story: three cheerleaders are abducted and sold into white slavery. The End. Alright, there's a little more to it than that. First we see a naked beauty-pageant contestant getting tied up and put in a cage - and we know immediately what kind of a movie we are in for. Next, the aforementioned cheerleaders are ambushed by a trio of thugs and forced to strip to their panties while one of the thugs sets their convertible on fire. We notice how odd it is to see topless women with natural, un-altered breasts. A local investigator calls on the ever-braless Ginger to help crack the case of the missing girls. He gives her a stylish briefcase filled with all sorts of gadgets including tracking devices that can be swallowed! After deducing that all the kidnapped women were also featured in the local newspaper, Ginger (Cheri Caffaro, the best actress in the film - which isn't saying much) teams up with a stylish advertising exec (Richard Smedley) who agrees to help her in her investigation. Ginger introduces him to a sexy up-and-coming model named Carter Winston (Jennifer Brooks), who is really going undercover as a potential abductee.

Well, before you know it, Carter is kidnapped and the ad man is screwing Ginger on shang carpeting. After the loving, Ginger is taken hostage herself, while the three cheerleaders are sold to lonely businessmen, and they seem to enjoy it. But it's not over yet - there's a big, daring rescue scene and an "eye for an eye" revenge scene involving Ginger, the ringleader, bar of soap and a hot shower.

Despite some semi-disturbing bondage moments, the film is pretty watchable. With plenty of laugh-out-loud bad dialogue and wooden acting, THE ABDUCTORS does impress with several overlong helicopter and plane sequences as well as a groovy soundtrack (which seems to stop suddenly half-way through the film). Ginger's skimpy outfits and outrageous hairdos are fun, you can totally tell where the producers put most of their money. So if you want to see some silly, poorly-lit and unsexy T & A - THE ABDUCTORS is for you.

TV GUIDE September 1984

Every September I get a little nostalgic for the old TV GUIDE magazine, you know the one that came in digest size and had good, intelligent articles in the two color sections and exhaustively complete TV listings and crazy black & white display advertising sandwiched in between. Supposedly there is still some sort of weekly entertainment magazine that goes by the name "TV GUIDE", but strangely it is very hard to find in Los Angeles. Go figure. Anyways, in celebration of 25 years since September 1984, I ran this smattering of unusual print ads from my collection last year at this time. And now I run them again. Who better to host an important Special Report about heart disease, cancer and auto accidents than Tony Randall, star of THE ODD COUPLE, THE TONY RANDALL SHOW and LOVE, SIDNEY? Tony sure looks serious in the ad, he must have just lost a round on PASSWORD or some other game show where he was known to be a very competitive player.
Peter Popoff was a popular TV evangelist minister and "faith healer" in the 1980s, until he went bankrupt in 1987 after he was exposed as a fraud. How can that be, when that lady in the ad looks so, um, healed.
The 1st Annual MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS - when the music industry was all about white folks over 40 (and Tina Turner). And nobody wore a disgusting dress made outta meat back then.
"Miss Continental" wasn't even a TV show, but yet they took out this ad - making me wish it was a TV show!!! I wonder if it's still around? I just did a Google search for "Miss Continental" and all that came up were websites for drag competitions. Oh well.
This ad freaks me out - it's like the who's who of conservative America gathered in one place to celebrate liberty??? What the fuck? If you cared about your family, country, financial future and religious liberties you'd have watched this.
A SALUTE TO LIBERACE with David Bowie and Elton John. Nuff said.
Oh no, WELCOME TO THE FAMILY sounds like some sort of cult recruiting program, but it's really about "love, laughter and trust–cementing the bonds between parents and their children." You know, family values. Host Gary Collins has been charged with three counts of "driving under the influence" since 2002. Performer Barbara Mandrell later became an unwelcome stranger in a town where corruption ran deep and tempers burned hot!
Then she co-stared with DUKES OF HAZZARD star Tom Wopat in this TV-movie about the whole sordid experience.

Hating Anita

From last year. I don't need to give much of the backstory. It's tale as old as time.

A 'squeaky clean' beauty pageant contestant with limited talent.

An unpopular and hateful opinion is expressed in the name of Jesus.

She soon faces the wrath of a burgeoning human rights movement.

 The result: pure theater.

Happy Pride!

THE DOUGLAS MICHAEL SHOW with Terri Simmons

Regular readers of this here blog may be aware that I'm one of the producers of a little web sensation called PRETTY. PRETTY is the continuing story of the Champagne family and their quest for the crown in the Miss Star Eyes Pageant - a child beauty pageant. Their daughter Annette is five years old, but due to a sudden growth spurt, she looks about 29+. Episode two premiered earlier this week and introduced us to pageant director Parker Kensington Parker, played by today's guest: the lovely Terri Simmons.

Doug: Howdy Terri! First of all how could you NOT laugh when saying your character’s name?

Terri Simmons: I LOVE saying Parker’s name. I can’t even THINK her name without feeling like I am in control of the world. It gives me a huge sense of power.

D: Yes - she's pure power. I love the character of Parker because she’s such a “soap opera diva.” Her name, her clothing, her hair – she could be at home at Pine Valley, Port Charles or even Salem. Did that dawn on you at all when you were playing her?

TS: Oh, absolutely! I was left alone a lot as a child, and I watched soap operas constantly. I was a very literal child and thought that the characters were real people, that Pine Valley was a real town. I cried in my room for two days when Jenny died in a jetski accident on ALL MY CHILDREN.

D: Poor Jenny. I don't think she's ever came back from the dead. I may be wrong though. Back to Parker. Have you ever met anyone like Parker? Did you base your performance on anyone you know?

TS: Well, I was raised in a small East Texas town, so OF COURSE I know people like Parker and I love them! My family is full of Parker Kensington Parkers (feel the power)! I think Parker is a cross between my mother (“Babes”), my fifth grade teacher Mrs. Cash (kept me after school to tell me I was fat like I didn’t know that already) and Jane Lynch from GLEE.

D: I've worked with Jane. She's a wonderful person and actress and I am so happy for her success. Back to Parker. I also love that Parker is an avid scrap booker, because when I was purchasing art department supplies at the local scrapbook store for PRETTY, the woman who ran it told me that SHE was a former child beauty pageant contestant! Have you ever scrapbooked?

TS: I am a horrible scrapbooker! I have an obsessive compulsive personality and I’m very detail-oriented, so it takes me 8 hours to do one page! I’d rather be outside hiking, water skiing, riding a Harley or building something with tools.

D: I may have to tutor you in scrapbooking for season 2. Speaking of season 2, I would like to see a flashback of Parker from her pageant days. How do you imagine that would look?

TS: Funny you should ask! I actually have pictures of myself from when I was in the Miss Nacogdoches pageant back in my college days, and I’m thinking that’s what Parker would have looked like back then. I did it on a dare, and when it was over the judge pulled me aside and told me to drop some weight, take a drama class and come back next year. I’m thinking Parker would have punched him in the nose and then taken all of the other loser contestants out for beer.

D: That's hysterical! Miss Nacogdoches - LOVE it! I ask these questions of most of my interview guests. If you could be on any comedy show (from all of TV history) which would it be? And who are your comedy heroes?

TS: I love the classics. I would love to have been on MARY TYLER MOORE, BOB NEWHART, or THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW. My comedy heroes are Lucille Ball, Carol Burnett, Gilda Radner, Tina Fey, Ellen DeGeneres…so many.

D: I love 'em all too. I get CAROL BURNETT SHOW cravings every once in a while. Thank heaven for YouTube! So after PRETTY, what’s up next for Terri?

TS: Oh wow! I’m having so much fun being PRETTY, that I can’t imagine what’s next!!

D: Well, maybe the casting director from GLEE will see PRETTY and cast you as Jane's sister?
How cool would that be?

D: Thanks for the chat Terri, see ya soon!

TS: Thanks very much, Doug!! xoxo

NBC Fall 1984 - Sundays & Specials

I conclude my look at the NBC 1984 fall line-up with Sunday nights and Specials. The sticky sweetcom SILVER SPOONS opened the night at 7PM.This four-season atrocity was like RICHIE RICH in sitcom form, except it wasn't funny and it felt like poor Erin Gray was waiting around to be rescued by BUCK ROGERS. Broadway hoofer Alfonso Ribeiro joined the cast this season and the premiere tried to cash in on the wave of Michael Jackson mania that was sweeping the nation at the time. Whatever happened to that guy?
Speaking of sweet, the sugar coma of TV comedy was PUNKY BREWSTER, a two-season oddity about a Little Orphan Annie-like who is taken in by a creepy old curmudgeon named Henry. An animated variation on the show aired from 1985 to 1989.
At 8PM, KNIGHT RIDER drove into it's third of four seasons. The show would return several times over the next few decades. KNIGHT RIDER 2000 aired in 1991 on NBC. KNIGHT RIDER 2010 aired in 1994, also on NBC. A new 22-episode series, TEAM KNIGHT RIDER aired in 1997 in syndication. Yet another two-hour KNIGHT RIDER TV-movie aired in February 2008, with a new KNIGHT RIDER series premiering in September 2008 and ending in March 2009. Not sure how many of these revivals featured appearances by David Hassellhoff. mostly because I just don't care.
For many years, THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT was an annual event on NBC. Originating live from Atlantic City, the mother of all beauty contests aired on NBC for 30 years from 1966 to 1996. After that it aired on ABC until 2005, CMT in 2006 & 2007, finally finding a new home on TLC, the Learning Channel. Go figure.The late Nell Carter was a larger-than-life talent. The sassy Broadway star was scheduled to star in her own variety special during the 1984-85 season. Research shows that the hour didn't air until the following season. I always enjoyed Ms. Carter and still find it hard to believe she's gone.
Back to Hasselhoff, here he is again with co-host Jayne Kennedy hosting what appears to be the forerunner of today's reality competition shows: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD.
Home viewers actually got the vote on the contestants - choosing one woman to be the winner.
25 Years Later....

I Love Nudists

Who doesn't love old photos of unattractive people doing things they shouldn't be doing...nude? Well, I sure do! This is an old favorite of mine.

Yes - people circa 1960-something participating in some sort of beauty pageant - in the nude. Well, it looks like we have a couple of winners! I have so many questions. Were they a couple? Were they married to each other? Were they swingers? Did they have kids? What ever happened to them? Now 40 years later, are they still nudists? Do their grandkids know about this photo? Do they blog about their days at the nudist colony? Are they on Facebook? I just gotta know. I know my readers may have some possible clues to who these people are and what their story is - so feel free to submit your theories!

The Friendly Ones

Okay, years ago - before SOUTH PARK, before CRANK YANKERS, before AVENUE Q - my friends Tara and Rob and I got together and made a TV special for public access called THE FRIENDLY ONES. It's a totally offensive and politically incorrect puppet show for "adults", and I think it's still pretty damn funny. The show aired on Staten Island Cable for a few years - to much protest of concerned parents. The original plan was to do a series of episodes, but sadly, we never had the time. Tara has finally converted it to digital and now - almost 20 years later, here it is. Part 1 introduces our main characters Eva, Blanca, The Countess, Muffy and their lesbian friend Ida. Part 2 follows the gals as they prepare to compete on "The Mother-Daughter Pageant" . Enjoy!