DC Comic's FINAL CRISIS finally ended this week. Thank Darkseid! What started out as a promising epic adventure turned out to be a convoluted, confusing, confluence of conundrums. In other words–what the fucking fuck?
In preparation for FINAL CRISIS, I've previously recounted all the other major DC Universe crossovers from the best to the worst-and at least I was able to explain briefly what happened in those stories.
Ask me what FINAL CRISIS was about and I can only tell you what I think happened, but I'm not really sure. But maybe I'm too stupid to understand what Grant Morrison was trying to say???
I think it was about the dead New Gods coming back to life in the form of regular folks and an Anti-Life virus infecting the human race. Along the way, Martain Manhunter gets cooked alive by an old JLA villain from the 70s named Libra, Lois Lane gets blown to bits (she gets better), the Flash known as Barry Allen returns to the land of the living and Batman gets either killed or sent back in time to become Captain Caveman.
There's also some nonsense involving a group of obnoxious Japanese heroes called Super Young Team, a "fight club" for teen age super-heroes, some drama involving the Green and Alpha Lanterns, the introduction of a mysterious new Aquaman, an ugly punked-out makeover for Mary Marvel and poor Wonder Woman's transformation into a hideous beast along with Batwoman, Catwoman and The Doom Patrol's Elasti-Girl! Whew!
Oh yeah - Darkseid's son Kalibak gets reincarnated as a tiger and has a battle with Shazam sidekick Mr. Tawny, Superman goes on an acid trip and meets about 50 other Supermen from different worlds, the Monitors stand around talking a lot and lots of important people, places and things get blown up.
Other stuff happens too, but I'm sure you're already as confused as I am. Don't even get me started on where all the tie-ins fit in. ROGUE'S REVENGE? RESIST? SUBMIT? REVELATIONS? LEGION OF 3 WORLDS? Maybe I just need to sit down and reread everything and it will all make sense. But I feel like why should I have to work so damn hard to enjoy a comic book story? Ugh!
With BLACKEST NIGHT looming on the horizon, my event fatigue is getting even stronger. What will it take to make me start loving comics again???
Yeah, it would take something really special–like the return of LADY COP.
