Showing posts with label Sisters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sisters. Show all posts
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Sunday, May 9, 2010
BIG BAD MAMA
This was a guest blog post from my good friend Danny...originally from 2007! Enjoy...
Hi bad movie fans, Danny here - BIG BAD MAMA (1974, directed by some guy called Steve Carver) is drive-in classic I remember my father taking me to see when I was six. I consider it the best "Mother As A Role Model" movie ever made!
First off, let me tell you how excited I was to learn that this movie starred Robbie Lee who some of you might know as the baaaaad girl from SWITCHBLADE SISTERS (Maybe Doug will let me review that too one day)! Not three minutes into the movie and she was already showing her left booby.
Actually, this movie was just full of boobies and tushies and even Angie Dickenson got in on the act!!! As a six year old, it was all the same to me, but I don't think I was really ready to see Sgt. Pepper Anderson's fleshy badges all up in the windshield of dad's 1969 Thunderbird. I was confused, was she America's favorite POLICE WOMAN or a tit-flinging bank robber?
And just why is she having sex with Captain Kirk when she just had sex with that guy who's gonna be attacked by an ALIEN in about five years? (Tom Skerritt)
Getting back to a more serious issue...what's with all this booby & tushie? Is this really appropriate viewing for a six year old? What was my father thinking??? And if I'm old enough for this, why aren't I old enough to go to Disneyland four years from now???
Also... why aren't things exploding? For the amount of gunfire there was in this movie, NOT ONE thing blowed up good and that was very disheartening. No one even got shot in the cooch, but William Shatner got shot dead and that was good enough.
I think if you examine the movie poster above, you'll get what the movie is and you'll probably ask, "Who's driving that car?" Beats me.
Did we learn anything from this movie? Yes, and that is... it's never too late to start a new life... or rent a different movie.
Doug gives this one 7 outta 10.
Hi bad movie fans, Danny here - BIG BAD MAMA (1974, directed by some guy called Steve Carver) is drive-in classic I remember my father taking me to see when I was six. I consider it the best "Mother As A Role Model" movie ever made! First off, let me tell you how excited I was to learn that this movie starred Robbie Lee who some of you might know as the baaaaad girl from SWITCHBLADE SISTERS (Maybe Doug will let me review that too one day)! Not three minutes into the movie and she was already showing her left booby.
Actually, this movie was just full of boobies and tushies and even Angie Dickenson got in on the act!!! As a six year old, it was all the same to me, but I don't think I was really ready to see Sgt. Pepper Anderson's fleshy badges all up in the windshield of dad's 1969 Thunderbird. I was confused, was she America's favorite POLICE WOMAN or a tit-flinging bank robber?
And just why is she having sex with Captain Kirk when she just had sex with that guy who's gonna be attacked by an ALIEN in about five years? (Tom Skerritt)Getting back to a more serious issue...what's with all this booby & tushie? Is this really appropriate viewing for a six year old? What was my father thinking??? And if I'm old enough for this, why aren't I old enough to go to Disneyland four years from now???
Also... why aren't things exploding? For the amount of gunfire there was in this movie, NOT ONE thing blowed up good and that was very disheartening. No one even got shot in the cooch, but William Shatner got shot dead and that was good enough.
I think if you examine the movie poster above, you'll get what the movie is and you'll probably ask, "Who's driving that car?" Beats me.
Did we learn anything from this movie? Yes, and that is... it's never too late to start a new life... or rent a different movie.
Doug gives this one 7 outta 10.
Friday, March 12, 2010
ALICE SWEET ALICE
Here's a Friday flashback to a post from 2007. Recycling is good for the blogosphere!
ALICE SWEET ALICE (1976), directed by Alfred Sole was originally released as COMMUNION but returned to theaters two years later to cash on the fame of child-actor Brooke Shields. The film is set in 1961 for some reason and has many references to JFK, Jackie and even to PSYCHO. It's also known as HOLY TERROR - but I'd like to rename it PROBLEM CHILD: THE BEGINNING.
The film opens with some real groovy titles - then we visit a rectory where a hunky priest named Father Tom (Rudolph Willrich) lives. Single mom Catherine Spages (played by Jackie Gleason's daughter Linda Miller) and her two daughters Alice (19 year-old LIQUID SKY actress Paula Sheppard playing a prepubescent teen!!!) and Karen (a very young Brooke Shields) are paying a visit.
Angelic Karen will soon make her first holy communion, and the sexy priest gives his late mother's crucifix to her as a gift. I sense some sexual tension between Catherine and Tom. Karen's bratty sister Alice is jealous, and wanders about the rectory - scaring the wacky Italian housekeeper Mrs. Tredoni (Olympia Dukakis lookalike Mildred Clinton) with a really creepy Halloween mask.
Later Alice (who sort of resembles the Downs Syndrome girl "Jill" from the infamous menstruation education film ALL WOMEN GET PERIODS) is seen terrorizing Karen by abusing her toys and locking her in a room. Mom Catherine doesn't seem to react to her daughter's morbid hobbies, possibly because she's distressed about her failed marriage. Things soon go from bad to worse when Karen is strangled at her first communion - by a stranger in a yellow rain slicker and Halloween mask! And I thought vomiting at MY first communion was bad! (This is true - I threw up and they thought I was possessed!)
After Karen is killed, her body is stuffed into some sort of bench, her crucifix is stolen and then her corpse is set on fire with a church candle. Jeez! Where was the Catholic League when this was released???
When Mother Superior sees smoke, she opens the bench and screams - attracting the attention churchgoers including Catherine and her meddling sister Annie (the very effective Jane Lowry). A funeral follows and Catherine's handsome
ex-husband Dom shows up to help. Annie decides to stay with Catherine to help her through this difficult time and to attempt to discipline Alice, who has only gotten more bratty since Karen's murder. Alice then recruits her chubby cousin Angela to taunt the reclusive and extremely overweight landlord Mr. Alfonso (possibly the most disgusting character since Divine played his own rapist in FEMALE TROUBLE). Suffice to say, people who piss themselves should NOT wear white!
Dom begins to work with the cops to solve his daughter's murder, and tries to call Father Tom, but Mrs. Tredoni interferes, with the intention of protecting the priest from getting too involved. Tom later tells Dom that the police suspect Alice is the killer. Back at the Spages' home Alice drops a bottle of milk and Aunt Annie has a shit fit and tells her it's time to go back to school. Alice then puts on her yellow slicker and pays Mr. Alfonso and his cats a visit. After she wrinkles the rent check, Mr. A. tries to feel her up - she responds by picking up one of his cute kitties and throws it across the room, killing it. What a little bitch!I sure hope the Humane Society was there for that scene!
We see that Alice has built an altar in the basement - where she has candles, her mask, her raincoat, a two-face doll, ballet sleepers and other assorted creepy items. This girl needs therapy in a big way.
Aunt Annie heads out during a storm, but as she walks down the stairs she is suddenly attacked by a masked figure who stabs her repeatedly in her legs and feet. She fights back as best as she can, yelling out Alice's name and attracting Mr. A as a witness. Catherine finds her sister lying in a pool of blood on the sidewalk just as Dom and Rev. Tom drive up. Good timing, guys!
Later at the hospital, Annie tells her milquetoast husband Jim that Alice tried to kill her. Soon Alice is taken in for a lie detector test. She kinda fails when she tells the cops that she saw KAREN attack her aunt. Huh? Karen's dead...I think. Another disturbing scene follows when two cops discuss Alice's breasts. What the fuck - she's supposed to be like 11 or 12. We later learn that Alice has has her first period. This IS just like the Jill video - except Jill doesn't kill anyone from what I remember.
Catherine and Dom are convinced that Alice is innocent - Catherine thinks Annie just wants to pin it all on Alice because she has always hated the born out-of-wedlock child - and Dom thinks Angela (Annie's daughter) is the slasher. Sparks begin to reignite for the divorced couple, until a phone call from his new wife serves as a cold shower for Dom. Dom then receives a suspicious call from Angela. But the voice on the phone is an adult's - and Dom doesn't notice. Huh? "Angela" tells Dom that she has Karen's crucifix and wants to meet him in an abandoned building. Okay... After believing for an hour that Alice was the slasher, I began to wonder just WHO the masked killer was. Could it be Catherine? Could it be Annie's husband Jim? Could it be Alice? Angela? The sexy priest? One of the cats? I'm stumped!
Dom arrives at the warehouse and is attacked by the slasher (wearing the Halloween mask and the yellow raincoat.) He is soon stabbed in the shoulder and then hit in the face with a brick. Dom is then tied up and pushed out of window. This is so not a good week for the Spages family!
Finally the slasher takes off the mask and is revealed to be...XXXXXXX!!!! HUH??? Wow - I did NOT see that coming! XXXXXXX declares that Dom and Catherine are sinners. During Dom's autopsy, they find Karen's crucifix lodged in his throat, apparently he tried swallowing it to keep it away from the killer. Thanks, we were wondering where that went.
It's soon time for Sunday mass. Alice first stops by Mr. Alfonso's apartment to put cockroaches on his stomach as he sleeps.
Nice. Meanwhile, XXXXXXX packs a knife in a shopping bag and stops by the Spages' apartment. Mr. A wakes up and spots XXXXXXX - and thinking it's Alice, he grabs the killer, who then pulls out her knife and stabs him!!! Well, that's one character I can live without.
Later at church, just as XXXXXXX is about to receive Holy Communion, the slasher pulls out the knife and stabs Father Tom in the neck. The priest falls on the altar and into XXXXXXX's arms. Chaos ensues. In the final shot, we see Alice as she walks away from the altar carrying the shopping bag. Then she pulls the bloodied knife out of it and stares blankly into the camera!!! SUPER CREEPY!!!!
What else can I say about ALICE SWEET ALICE? This movie is fan-fucking-tastic! 10 outta 10. Scary, funny, crazy, sacrilegious - this one's a keeper with or without little Brooke. Thanks to my buddy Mike for helping me recall some of the details on this one.
ALICE SWEET ALICE (1976), directed by Alfred Sole was originally released as COMMUNION but returned to theaters two years later to cash on the fame of child-actor Brooke Shields. The film is set in 1961 for some reason and has many references to JFK, Jackie and even to PSYCHO. It's also known as HOLY TERROR - but I'd like to rename it PROBLEM CHILD: THE BEGINNING.The film opens with some real groovy titles - then we visit a rectory where a hunky priest named Father Tom (Rudolph Willrich) lives. Single mom Catherine Spages (played by Jackie Gleason's daughter Linda Miller) and her two daughters Alice (19 year-old LIQUID SKY actress Paula Sheppard playing a prepubescent teen!!!) and Karen (a very young Brooke Shields) are paying a visit.
Angelic Karen will soon make her first holy communion, and the sexy priest gives his late mother's crucifix to her as a gift. I sense some sexual tension between Catherine and Tom. Karen's bratty sister Alice is jealous, and wanders about the rectory - scaring the wacky Italian housekeeper Mrs. Tredoni (Olympia Dukakis lookalike Mildred Clinton) with a really creepy Halloween mask.
Later Alice (who sort of resembles the Downs Syndrome girl "Jill" from the infamous menstruation education film ALL WOMEN GET PERIODS) is seen terrorizing Karen by abusing her toys and locking her in a room. Mom Catherine doesn't seem to react to her daughter's morbid hobbies, possibly because she's distressed about her failed marriage. Things soon go from bad to worse when Karen is strangled at her first communion - by a stranger in a yellow rain slicker and Halloween mask! And I thought vomiting at MY first communion was bad! (This is true - I threw up and they thought I was possessed!)After Karen is killed, her body is stuffed into some sort of bench, her crucifix is stolen and then her corpse is set on fire with a church candle. Jeez! Where was the Catholic League when this was released???
When Mother Superior sees smoke, she opens the bench and screams - attracting the attention churchgoers including Catherine and her meddling sister Annie (the very effective Jane Lowry). A funeral follows and Catherine's handsome
ex-husband Dom shows up to help. Annie decides to stay with Catherine to help her through this difficult time and to attempt to discipline Alice, who has only gotten more bratty since Karen's murder. Alice then recruits her chubby cousin Angela to taunt the reclusive and extremely overweight landlord Mr. Alfonso (possibly the most disgusting character since Divine played his own rapist in FEMALE TROUBLE). Suffice to say, people who piss themselves should NOT wear white!
Dom begins to work with the cops to solve his daughter's murder, and tries to call Father Tom, but Mrs. Tredoni interferes, with the intention of protecting the priest from getting too involved. Tom later tells Dom that the police suspect Alice is the killer. Back at the Spages' home Alice drops a bottle of milk and Aunt Annie has a shit fit and tells her it's time to go back to school. Alice then puts on her yellow slicker and pays Mr. Alfonso and his cats a visit. After she wrinkles the rent check, Mr. A. tries to feel her up - she responds by picking up one of his cute kitties and throws it across the room, killing it. What a little bitch!I sure hope the Humane Society was there for that scene!
We see that Alice has built an altar in the basement - where she has candles, her mask, her raincoat, a two-face doll, ballet sleepers and other assorted creepy items. This girl needs therapy in a big way.
Aunt Annie heads out during a storm, but as she walks down the stairs she is suddenly attacked by a masked figure who stabs her repeatedly in her legs and feet. She fights back as best as she can, yelling out Alice's name and attracting Mr. A as a witness. Catherine finds her sister lying in a pool of blood on the sidewalk just as Dom and Rev. Tom drive up. Good timing, guys!
Later at the hospital, Annie tells her milquetoast husband Jim that Alice tried to kill her. Soon Alice is taken in for a lie detector test. She kinda fails when she tells the cops that she saw KAREN attack her aunt. Huh? Karen's dead...I think. Another disturbing scene follows when two cops discuss Alice's breasts. What the fuck - she's supposed to be like 11 or 12. We later learn that Alice has has her first period. This IS just like the Jill video - except Jill doesn't kill anyone from what I remember.
Catherine and Dom are convinced that Alice is innocent - Catherine thinks Annie just wants to pin it all on Alice because she has always hated the born out-of-wedlock child - and Dom thinks Angela (Annie's daughter) is the slasher. Sparks begin to reignite for the divorced couple, until a phone call from his new wife serves as a cold shower for Dom. Dom then receives a suspicious call from Angela. But the voice on the phone is an adult's - and Dom doesn't notice. Huh? "Angela" tells Dom that she has Karen's crucifix and wants to meet him in an abandoned building. Okay... After believing for an hour that Alice was the slasher, I began to wonder just WHO the masked killer was. Could it be Catherine? Could it be Annie's husband Jim? Could it be Alice? Angela? The sexy priest? One of the cats? I'm stumped!
Dom arrives at the warehouse and is attacked by the slasher (wearing the Halloween mask and the yellow raincoat.) He is soon stabbed in the shoulder and then hit in the face with a brick. Dom is then tied up and pushed out of window. This is so not a good week for the Spages family!
Finally the slasher takes off the mask and is revealed to be...XXXXXXX!!!! HUH??? Wow - I did NOT see that coming! XXXXXXX declares that Dom and Catherine are sinners. During Dom's autopsy, they find Karen's crucifix lodged in his throat, apparently he tried swallowing it to keep it away from the killer. Thanks, we were wondering where that went.
It's soon time for Sunday mass. Alice first stops by Mr. Alfonso's apartment to put cockroaches on his stomach as he sleeps.
Nice. Meanwhile, XXXXXXX packs a knife in a shopping bag and stops by the Spages' apartment. Mr. A wakes up and spots XXXXXXX - and thinking it's Alice, he grabs the killer, who then pulls out her knife and stabs him!!! Well, that's one character I can live without.
Later at church, just as XXXXXXX is about to receive Holy Communion, the slasher pulls out the knife and stabs Father Tom in the neck. The priest falls on the altar and into XXXXXXX's arms. Chaos ensues. In the final shot, we see Alice as she walks away from the altar carrying the shopping bag. Then she pulls the bloodied knife out of it and stares blankly into the camera!!! SUPER CREEPY!!!!
What else can I say about ALICE SWEET ALICE? This movie is fan-fucking-tastic! 10 outta 10. Scary, funny, crazy, sacrilegious - this one's a keeper with or without little Brooke. Thanks to my buddy Mike for helping me recall some of the details on this one.
Monday, November 9, 2009
The Return of THE SINGING NUN
Here's a post a ran about two years ago, but newly enhanced with some new pix to accentuate my points! Maybe it's because I attended 13 years of Catholic school (that includes kindergarten), and got to know so many nuns on a personal level, but I've always been fascinated by movies about "brides of christ".
THE SOUND OF MUSIC, AGNES OF GOD, NASTY HABITS, CHANGE OF HABIT, THE TROUBLE WITH ANGELS...just to name a few - are always required viewing in my house.
As a child, THE FLYING NUN was one of my favorite shows, and I can recall asking several of my nun teachers if they could secretly fly. None of them could - but some could really SING!
Now, the true story of THE SINGING NUN is something that would make a fascinating film. The real Soeur Sourire (Sister Smile), who wrote and sang the worldwide hit song "Dominique" lived a very much different life than what Hollywood would have led us to believe.
Born Jeanne Deckers in Belgium in 1933, she joined a Dominican convent, taking the name Sister Luc-Gabrielle. She became popular among the other nuns for her beautiful songs and was encouraged by to record an album in 1963. The song "Dominique," (about an evangelist and saint who figured prominently in Belgian history) made her an international celebrity, and she adopted the stage name of Soeur Sourire . She performed in concerts and even appeared on THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW in 1964. Imagine if a nun appeared on AMERICAN IDOL today!
"Dominique" sold more than 1.5 million copies, and following the success of THE SOUND OF MUSIC, a movie about her starring Debbie Reynolds, was made. Unfortunately, the movie doesn't cover the later years of her life. Around the same time as the film's release, Jeanne stopped performing, Soon after, in 1967 she left the convent and recorded her second album, titled "I Am Not a Star in Heaven". Though she was deeply religious, she grew increasingly vocal and critical of the conservatism of the Roman Catholic Church and she became an advocate of birth control (and reportedly gay rights as well). She even recorded a song entitled "Glory Be to God for the Golden Pill ." Wow.
She later opened a school for autistic children in Belgium with a "friend", Annie Pescher. By the early 1980s the Belgian government began claiming that she owed back taxes almost $50,000. Desperate to raise money, she released an updated dance music version of 'Dominique' in 1983 (need to find it on iTunes) but it failed to set the charts on fire. In 1985, she and Pescher committed suicide together by overdosing on barbiturates and alcohol, and were buried together in consecrated ground.
There is a recent film version which delves into these details. I look forward to seeing it one day..jpg)
Meanwhile, getting back to the movie at hand - I'd been curious about the film for years - I mean a "true story" about nuns starring Jewish-convert Debbie Reynolds her "best friend" Agnes Moorehead and everyone's favorite sexy 1970s MD - Chad Everett!!! 
Plus we get pre-FANTASY ISLAND, WRATH OF KHAN and Chrysler Cordoba Ricardo Montalban and a cameo by Ed Sullivan himself! How could things go wrong?
Directed by war movie veteran Henry Koster , things do go terribly wrong. Well, Debbie does as well as she can as the unsinkable Sister Ann, the spunky nun who who can sing like an angel, but has a lot to learn about doing good things and butting in where she doesn't belong. She is always riding around on her motor scooter with her guitar ("Sister Adelle"), playing soccer with the boys and trying to stop peasant girls from becoming strippers - what a scamp! Moorehead is effectively bitchy as "Mother Endora" - a senior nun, who is not amused by Sister Ann's frolics.
Sister Ann's real dream is to move to the African Congo to work with children, but in the meantime she befriends a lonely local little boy, Dominic, whose mother has died and whose father is an alcoholic. I think his sister (Katherine Ross) is kinda whore-ish too. Sister Ann doesn't care about the saint like the real Sister Smile, so decides to write a song about the little boy instead. Go figure.
The song goes something like this:
"Dominique, nique, nique I will tell of Dominique His goodness to acclaim And I pray the song I sing Will some simple pleasure bring That the world shall know his name!"
I think something got lost in the translation.
When Father Clementi (Montalban) hears Sister Ann's song, he see dollar signs and enters her in a talent contest. Before you know it, old friend Everett, apparently channeling Clark Gable, shows up and signs her to a record deal and the whole world is soon listening to her silly light-hearted songs!
The album has become a sensation, and "The Singing Nun" is soon making appearances at parties and engagements, even appearing on THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW on CBS! Ironically, while preparing for the show, the nuns explain that they're forbidden to wear makeup-even though the actresses portraying them are clearly wearing lipstick and false eyelashes! Huh?
Everything seems wonderful and magical, only Sister Ann is unprepared for her new found fame-and her attraction to Everett! This is just like Sister Bertrille and Carlos - I mean what was the deal with those two? And what of the tragedy that soon befalls Dominic and his slutty sister? Does a poor Catholic girl really need to resort to stripping to pay the rent on her cockroach infested shack?
So, if you are curious to see how sugary and fictional a Hollywood biopic can get - see THE SINGING NUN. I'll give it 6 out 10 "Huhs?" because just the thought of bawdy Debbie Reynolds (Miss Burbank 1948) and rumored lesbian Agnes Moorehead as nuns is comedy enough for me!
For the record, Reynolds explicitly denied to film historian Robert Osborne that Moorehead was gay, describing her as "terribly religious." That's not what Paul Lynde had to say about her! Hmmm...
THE SOUND OF MUSIC, AGNES OF GOD, NASTY HABITS, CHANGE OF HABIT, THE TROUBLE WITH ANGELS...just to name a few - are always required viewing in my house.
As a child, THE FLYING NUN was one of my favorite shows, and I can recall asking several of my nun teachers if they could secretly fly. None of them could - but some could really SING!
Now, the true story of THE SINGING NUN is something that would make a fascinating film. The real Soeur Sourire (Sister Smile), who wrote and sang the worldwide hit song "Dominique" lived a very much different life than what Hollywood would have led us to believe.
Born Jeanne Deckers in Belgium in 1933, she joined a Dominican convent, taking the name Sister Luc-Gabrielle. She became popular among the other nuns for her beautiful songs and was encouraged by to record an album in 1963. The song "Dominique," (about an evangelist and saint who figured prominently in Belgian history) made her an international celebrity, and she adopted the stage name of Soeur Sourire . She performed in concerts and even appeared on THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW in 1964. Imagine if a nun appeared on AMERICAN IDOL today!
"Dominique" sold more than 1.5 million copies, and following the success of THE SOUND OF MUSIC, a movie about her starring Debbie Reynolds, was made. Unfortunately, the movie doesn't cover the later years of her life. Around the same time as the film's release, Jeanne stopped performing, Soon after, in 1967 she left the convent and recorded her second album, titled "I Am Not a Star in Heaven". Though she was deeply religious, she grew increasingly vocal and critical of the conservatism of the Roman Catholic Church and she became an advocate of birth control (and reportedly gay rights as well). She even recorded a song entitled "Glory Be to God for the Golden Pill ." Wow.She later opened a school for autistic children in Belgium with a "friend", Annie Pescher. By the early 1980s the Belgian government began claiming that she owed back taxes almost $50,000. Desperate to raise money, she released an updated dance music version of 'Dominique' in 1983 (need to find it on iTunes) but it failed to set the charts on fire. In 1985, she and Pescher committed suicide together by overdosing on barbiturates and alcohol, and were buried together in consecrated ground.
There is a recent film version which delves into these details. I look forward to seeing it one day.
.jpg)
Meanwhile, getting back to the movie at hand - I'd been curious about the film for years - I mean a "true story" about nuns starring Jewish-convert Debbie Reynolds her "best friend" Agnes Moorehead and everyone's favorite sexy 1970s MD - Chad Everett!!! 
Plus we get pre-FANTASY ISLAND, WRATH OF KHAN and Chrysler Cordoba Ricardo Montalban and a cameo by Ed Sullivan himself! How could things go wrong?
Directed by war movie veteran Henry Koster , things do go terribly wrong. Well, Debbie does as well as she can as the unsinkable Sister Ann, the spunky nun who who can sing like an angel, but has a lot to learn about doing good things and butting in where she doesn't belong. She is always riding around on her motor scooter with her guitar ("Sister Adelle"), playing soccer with the boys and trying to stop peasant girls from becoming strippers - what a scamp! Moorehead is effectively bitchy as "Mother Endora" - a senior nun, who is not amused by Sister Ann's frolics.
Sister Ann's real dream is to move to the African Congo to work with children, but in the meantime she befriends a lonely local little boy, Dominic, whose mother has died and whose father is an alcoholic. I think his sister (Katherine Ross) is kinda whore-ish too. Sister Ann doesn't care about the saint like the real Sister Smile, so decides to write a song about the little boy instead. Go figure.The song goes something like this:
"Dominique, nique, nique I will tell of Dominique His goodness to acclaim And I pray the song I sing Will some simple pleasure bring That the world shall know his name!"
I think something got lost in the translation.
When Father Clementi (Montalban) hears Sister Ann's song, he see dollar signs and enters her in a talent contest. Before you know it, old friend Everett, apparently channeling Clark Gable, shows up and signs her to a record deal and the whole world is soon listening to her silly light-hearted songs!
The album has become a sensation, and "The Singing Nun" is soon making appearances at parties and engagements, even appearing on THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW on CBS! Ironically, while preparing for the show, the nuns explain that they're forbidden to wear makeup-even though the actresses portraying them are clearly wearing lipstick and false eyelashes! Huh?
Everything seems wonderful and magical, only Sister Ann is unprepared for her new found fame-and her attraction to Everett! This is just like Sister Bertrille and Carlos - I mean what was the deal with those two? And what of the tragedy that soon befalls Dominic and his slutty sister? Does a poor Catholic girl really need to resort to stripping to pay the rent on her cockroach infested shack?
So, if you are curious to see how sugary and fictional a Hollywood biopic can get - see THE SINGING NUN. I'll give it 6 out 10 "Huhs?" because just the thought of bawdy Debbie Reynolds (Miss Burbank 1948) and rumored lesbian Agnes Moorehead as nuns is comedy enough for me!
For the record, Reynolds explicitly denied to film historian Robert Osborne that Moorehead was gay, describing her as "terribly religious." That's not what Paul Lynde had to say about her! Hmmm...
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I Know Who Killed Me (Again)
I've had a busy few days, so rather than running another boring old comic book ad, I've decided to rerun a movie review from last year. Enjoy! 
It's rare that I review a recent film, but I KNOW WHO KILLED ME (2007, directed by Chris Sivertson) is so deliciously awful that I just could not resist. The film opens with a decidedly unsexy stripper doing a pole dance, when suddenly her hand starts bleeding all over the damn pole. Ugh...not again! Of course the stripper turns out to be played by that adorable headline grabbing, former ANOTHER WORLD actress and Disney child star Lindsay Lohan!
It appears that the town from TV's FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (The show we all WISH we watched) is being terrorized by someone who has been abducting and torturing high school (or is it college?) girls and doing disturbing things to their hands and legs. This town of New Salem (a DAYS OF OUR LIVES reference?) is the bluest place on Earth. Everything is color-corrected to be this bright, brilliant blue, causing me to to retitle this epic I KNOW WHO BLUE ME.
Soon we meet Aubrey Fleming, Lindsay's (other?) character, who is smart (she wears glasses) and apparently very talented.
She plays the piano - but wants to give it up to concentrate on writing. Her piano teacher thinks this is a bad idea. Music good. Words bad. Oh yeah, the teacher wears a big BLUE ring and Lindsay has a hairless pussy. Cat. Hairless pussy cat. 
She's pretty much a perfect student and daughter. There's a stalker-ish blonde boyfriend named Jerrod who "loves" her and then there's the Fleming's hunky gardener who wants to screw her - but she's a good girl. Aubrey is good. Lindsay is bad.
After Jerrod the teen gives her a BLUE rose
and the BLUE team wins the football game, Aubrey suddenly vanishes - into the blue! Local sheriff Santa Claus is clueless.
Soon the FBI is on the case - and we know this because they all wear BLUE shirts, jackets and vests that say "FBI" in big, bold, yellow letters! The task force is led by a Beau Bridges look-a-like and a black supermodel with a botoxed forehead and drawn-on eyebrows. Between Santa, Beau and Tyra - this case is gonna be cracked wide open - I just know it!
Later a woman who also looks like Lindsay is forced off the road (by a hairless cat?) and discovers something on the side of the road. It's Lindsay! Oh my god! At the hospital, she wakes up missing one hand & half a leg. So much for that piano playing career, but at least she can still write. When Lindsay can finally communicate, she reveals herself to be "Dakota Moss" - a filthy stripper and NOT the angelic, perfect Aubrey Fleming. Everyone thinks she's making this up, and within days, Crabman from MY NAME IS EARL fits her with a Bionic hand and Heather Mills leg.
Days later, still insisting that she's Dakota, she is welcomed into the Fleming household. She seems to hate all Aubrey's BLUE things, and mostly her hairless pussy.
This upsets mom (played by older Lindsay lookalike Julia Ormond, hiding her British or French accent), who just wants her daughter to love her and all the BLUE stuff. What Dakota does love is fucking, and she proves it when Aubrey's boyfriend Jerrod comes by to inspect her bionic parts. 
At first the FBI doesn't trust him cause he drives a yellow car, but then when they see he's wearing a BLUE pullover, it's okay. Any way, after they screw, Dakota tells him about her crack-whore mother who left her $11 before she died and an envelope with the return address "New Salem". 
She then tells him how she started spontaneously bleeding one night during her act (we see her and her body double in various states of bumping and grinding) and how her finger fell off, turned BLUE and she tried to sew it back on. Then some cute guy on the BLUE bus gave her free medical advice. Huh???
Meanwhile, the Dept. of Homeland Security finds one of Aubrey’s stories on her laptop, and it's about a stripper named...yes, you guessed it... Dakota!
After escaping from the Fleming house, Dakota visits the parents of another murder victim, Jennifer Toland. She then begins to suspect that maybe she and Aubrey were identical twin sisters! Oh my god - it's THE PARENT TRAP all over again!
Back at the Flemings, Euro-mom shows Dakota a video of her ultrasound that she just happen to have hanging around -proving that there was only one baby inside of her! This forces Dakota to made a giant leap and confront Aubrey's father - accusing him of replacing his wife's dead BLUE baby with one of the newborn twins from some crackhead giving birth down the hall. The envelope that came from New Salem was from him - he's been paying off crack lady for years!
After doing a little web surfing, Dakota learns all about "twin stigmata" - so THAT'S why her fingers have been falling off! Next we get to watch a weird little YouTube video hosted by a Leonard Nimoy lookalike that explains it all. After visiting the grave of Jennifer Toland, Dakota finds a BLUE ribbon from a piano competition, with a hand-written message from the creepy BLUE-ring wearing piano teacher!
SPOILER ALERT!!! Dakota goes all Nancy Drew and figures out that the teacher murders his students who don't want to play anymore! So, Dakota enlists Aubrey's dad to help her confront the killer.They arrive at his house, with it's BLUE stained-glass door and collection of BLUE glass knives and trinkets. Dad gets killed almost instantly, and it's up to My Little Stripper to fight off the evil piano teacher.
So she cuts off HIS hand and finishes him off. Afterwards, Dakota finds Aubrey buried ALIVE - in a BLUE, stained-glass coffin(!!!) and frees her. It all ends with the two lying together on the ground, holding each other...shouldn't Aubrey get some food or drink...or medical attention???
So were there really two Lindsays? Was just Dakota a character in one of Aubrey's stories?
Was Aubrey a person that Dakota made up? Was the piano teacher REALLY the killer...or was it gardener...or the dad...or Santa Claus? Either way, this movie totally BLUE. I just have to ask what kind of stripper is Dakota anyhow? She never even takes off her top...or bottom! We've seen more of Lindsay's Lohan on TMZ than in this flick.
On a final note, I wonder if the filmmakers set out to make a David Lynch homage? With teen girl murders in small town America, identical twins, missing fingers, BLUE things - I can see traces of both BLUE VELVET and TWIN PEAKS. If that was the case, I think they failed miserably. But if they just wanted to make a movie that makes you say "huh?," I KNOW WHO KILLED ME rates a big BLUE 10 outta 10.
It's rare that I review a recent film, but I KNOW WHO KILLED ME (2007, directed by Chris Sivertson) is so deliciously awful that I just could not resist. The film opens with a decidedly unsexy stripper doing a pole dance, when suddenly her hand starts bleeding all over the damn pole. Ugh...not again! Of course the stripper turns out to be played by that adorable headline grabbing, former ANOTHER WORLD actress and Disney child star Lindsay Lohan!
It appears that the town from TV's FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (The show we all WISH we watched) is being terrorized by someone who has been abducting and torturing high school (or is it college?) girls and doing disturbing things to their hands and legs. This town of New Salem (a DAYS OF OUR LIVES reference?) is the bluest place on Earth. Everything is color-corrected to be this bright, brilliant blue, causing me to to retitle this epic I KNOW WHO BLUE ME.
Soon we meet Aubrey Fleming, Lindsay's (other?) character, who is smart (she wears glasses) and apparently very talented.
She plays the piano - but wants to give it up to concentrate on writing. Her piano teacher thinks this is a bad idea. Music good. Words bad. Oh yeah, the teacher wears a big BLUE ring and Lindsay has a hairless pussy. Cat. Hairless pussy cat. 
She's pretty much a perfect student and daughter. There's a stalker-ish blonde boyfriend named Jerrod who "loves" her and then there's the Fleming's hunky gardener who wants to screw her - but she's a good girl. Aubrey is good. Lindsay is bad.After Jerrod the teen gives her a BLUE rose
and the BLUE team wins the football game, Aubrey suddenly vanishes - into the blue! Local sheriff Santa Claus is clueless.
Soon the FBI is on the case - and we know this because they all wear BLUE shirts, jackets and vests that say "FBI" in big, bold, yellow letters! The task force is led by a Beau Bridges look-a-like and a black supermodel with a botoxed forehead and drawn-on eyebrows. Between Santa, Beau and Tyra - this case is gonna be cracked wide open - I just know it!Later a woman who also looks like Lindsay is forced off the road (by a hairless cat?) and discovers something on the side of the road. It's Lindsay! Oh my god! At the hospital, she wakes up missing one hand & half a leg. So much for that piano playing career, but at least she can still write. When Lindsay can finally communicate, she reveals herself to be "Dakota Moss" - a filthy stripper and NOT the angelic, perfect Aubrey Fleming. Everyone thinks she's making this up, and within days, Crabman from MY NAME IS EARL fits her with a Bionic hand and Heather Mills leg.
Days later, still insisting that she's Dakota, she is welcomed into the Fleming household. She seems to hate all Aubrey's BLUE things, and mostly her hairless pussy.
This upsets mom (played by older Lindsay lookalike Julia Ormond, hiding her British or French accent), who just wants her daughter to love her and all the BLUE stuff. What Dakota does love is fucking, and she proves it when Aubrey's boyfriend Jerrod comes by to inspect her bionic parts. 
At first the FBI doesn't trust him cause he drives a yellow car, but then when they see he's wearing a BLUE pullover, it's okay. Any way, after they screw, Dakota tells him about her crack-whore mother who left her $11 before she died and an envelope with the return address "New Salem". 
She then tells him how she started spontaneously bleeding one night during her act (we see her and her body double in various states of bumping and grinding) and how her finger fell off, turned BLUE and she tried to sew it back on. Then some cute guy on the BLUE bus gave her free medical advice. Huh???Meanwhile, the Dept. of Homeland Security finds one of Aubrey’s stories on her laptop, and it's about a stripper named...yes, you guessed it... Dakota!
After escaping from the Fleming house, Dakota visits the parents of another murder victim, Jennifer Toland. She then begins to suspect that maybe she and Aubrey were identical twin sisters! Oh my god - it's THE PARENT TRAP all over again!
Back at the Flemings, Euro-mom shows Dakota a video of her ultrasound that she just happen to have hanging around -proving that there was only one baby inside of her! This forces Dakota to made a giant leap and confront Aubrey's father - accusing him of replacing his wife's dead BLUE baby with one of the newborn twins from some crackhead giving birth down the hall. The envelope that came from New Salem was from him - he's been paying off crack lady for years!After doing a little web surfing, Dakota learns all about "twin stigmata" - so THAT'S why her fingers have been falling off! Next we get to watch a weird little YouTube video hosted by a Leonard Nimoy lookalike that explains it all. After visiting the grave of Jennifer Toland, Dakota finds a BLUE ribbon from a piano competition, with a hand-written message from the creepy BLUE-ring wearing piano teacher!
SPOILER ALERT!!! Dakota goes all Nancy Drew and figures out that the teacher murders his students who don't want to play anymore! So, Dakota enlists Aubrey's dad to help her confront the killer.They arrive at his house, with it's BLUE stained-glass door and collection of BLUE glass knives and trinkets. Dad gets killed almost instantly, and it's up to My Little Stripper to fight off the evil piano teacher.
So she cuts off HIS hand and finishes him off. Afterwards, Dakota finds Aubrey buried ALIVE - in a BLUE, stained-glass coffin(!!!) and frees her. It all ends with the two lying together on the ground, holding each other...shouldn't Aubrey get some food or drink...or medical attention???
So were there really two Lindsays? Was just Dakota a character in one of Aubrey's stories?
Was Aubrey a person that Dakota made up? Was the piano teacher REALLY the killer...or was it gardener...or the dad...or Santa Claus? Either way, this movie totally BLUE. I just have to ask what kind of stripper is Dakota anyhow? She never even takes off her top...or bottom! We've seen more of Lindsay's Lohan on TMZ than in this flick.On a final note, I wonder if the filmmakers set out to make a David Lynch homage? With teen girl murders in small town America, identical twins, missing fingers, BLUE things - I can see traces of both BLUE VELVET and TWIN PEAKS. If that was the case, I think they failed miserably. But if they just wanted to make a movie that makes you say "huh?," I KNOW WHO KILLED ME rates a big BLUE 10 outta 10.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME
It's rare that I review a recent film, but I KNOW WHO KILLED ME (2007, directed by Chris Sivertson) is so deliciously awful that I just could not resist. The film opens with a decidedly unsexy stripper doing a pole dance, when suddenly her hand starts bleeding all over the damn pole. Ugh...not again! Of course the stripper turns out to be played by that adorable headline grabbing, former ANOTHER WORLD actress and Disney child star Lindsay Lohan!
It appears that the town from TV's FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (The show we all WISH we watched) is being terrorized by someone who has been abducting and torturing high school (or is it college?) girls and doing disturbing things to their hands and legs. This town of New Salem (a DAYS OF OUR LIVES reference?) is the bluest place on Earth. Everything is color-corrected to be this bright, brilliant blue, causing me to to retitle this epic I KNOW WHO BLUE ME.
Soon we meet Aubrey Fleming, Lindsay's (other?) character, who is smart (she wears glasses) and apparently very talented.
She plays the piano - but wants to give it up to concentrate on writing. Her piano teacher thinks this is a bad idea. Music good. Words bad. Oh yeah, the teacher wears a big BLUE ring and Lindsay has a hairless pussy. Cat. Hairless pussy cat. She's pretty much a perfect student and daughter. There's a stalker-ish blonde boyfriend named Jerrod who "loves" her and then there's the Fleming's hunky gardener who wants to screw her - but she's a good girl. Aubrey is good. Lindsay is bad. After Jerrod the teen gives her a BLUE rose
and the BLUE team wins the football game, Aubrey suddenly vanishes - into the blue! Local sheriff Santa Claus is clueless. Soon the FBI is on the case - and we know this because they all wear BLUE shirts, jackets and vests that say "FBI" in big, bold, yellow letters! The task force is led by a Beau Bridges look-a-like and a black supermodel with a botoxed forehead and drawn-on eyebrows. Between Santa, Beau and Tyra - this case is gonna be cracked wide open - I just know it!Later a woman who also looks like Lindsay is forced off the road (by a hairless cat?) and discovers something on the side of the road. It's Lindsay! Oh my god! At the hospital, she wakes up missing one hand & half a leg. So much for that piano playing career, but at least she can still write. When Lindsay can finally communicate, she reveals herself to be "Dakota Moss" - a filthy stripper and NOT the angelic, perfect Aubrey Fleming. Everyone thinks she's making this up, and within days, Crabman from MY NAME IS EARL fits her with a Bionic hand and Heather Mills leg.
Days later, still insisting that she's Dakota, she is welcomed into the Fleming household. She seems to hate all Aubrey's BLUE things, and mostly her hairless pussy.
This upsets mom (played by older Lindsay lookalike Julia Ormond, hiding her British or French accent), who just wants her daughter to love her and all the BLUE stuff. What Dakota does love is fucking, and she proves it when Aubrey's boyfriend Jerrod comes by to inspect her bionic parts. At first the FBI doesn't trust him cause he drives a yellow car, but then when they see he's wearing a BLUE pullover, it's okay. Any way, after they screw, Dakota tells him about her crack-whore mother who left her $11 before she died and an envelope with the return address "New Salem". She then tells him how she started spontaneously bleeding one night during her act (we see her and her body double in various states of bumping and grinding) and how her finger fell off, turned BLUE and she tried to sew it back on. Then some cute guy on the BLUE bus gave her free medical advice. Huh???Meanwhile, the Dept. of Homeland Security finds one of Aubrey’s stories on her laptop, and it's about a stripper named...yes, you guessed it... Dakota!
After escaping from the Fleming house, Dakota visits the parents of another murder victim, Jennifer Toland. She then begins to suspect that maybe she and Aubrey were identical twin sisters! Oh my god - it's THE PARENT TRAP all over again! Back at the Flemings, Euro-mom shows Dakota a video of her ultrasound that she just happen to have hanging around -proving that there was only one baby inside of her! This forces Dakota to made a giant leap and confront Aubrey's father - accusing him of replacing his wife's dead BLUE baby with one of the newborn twins from some crackhead giving birth down the hall. The envelope that came from New Salem was from him - he's been paying off crack lady for years! After doing a little web surfing, Dakota learns all about "twin stigmata" - so THAT'S why her fingers have been falling off! Next we get to watch a weird little YouTube video hosted by a Leonard Nimoy lookalike that explains it all. After visiting the grave of Jennifer Toland, Dakota finds a BLUE ribbon from a piano competition, with a hand-written message from the creepy BLUE-ring wearing piano teacher!
SPOILER ALERT!!! Dakota goes all Nancy Drew and figures out that the teacher murders his students who don't want to play anymore! So, Dakota enlists Aubrey's dad to help her confront the killer.They arrive at his house, with it's BLUE stained-glass door and collection of BLUE glass knives and trinkets. Dad gets killed almost instantly, and it's up to My Little Stripper to fight off the evil piano teacher.
So she cuts off HIS hand and finishes him off. Afterwards, Dakota finds Aubrey buried ALIVE - in a BLUE, stained-glass coffin(!!!) and frees her. It all ends with the two lying together on the ground, holding each other...shouldn't Aubrey get some food or drink...or medical attention???
So were there really two Lindsays? Was just Dakota a character in one of Aubrey's stories?
Was Aubrey a person that Dakota made up? Was the piano teacher REALLY the killer...or was it gardener...or the dad...or Santa Claus? Either way, this movie totally BLUE. I just have to ask what kind of stripper is Dakota anyhow? She never even takes off her top...or bottom! We've seen more of Lindsay's Lohan on TMZ than in this flick. On a final note, I wonder if the filmmakers set out to make a David Lynch homage? With teen girl murders in small town America, identical twins, missing fingers, BLUE things - I can see traces of both BLUE VELVET and TWIN PEAKS. If that was the case, I think they failed miserably. But if they just wanted to make a movie that makes you say "huh?," I KNOW WHO KILLED ME rates a big BLUE 10 outta 10.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
THE SINGING NUN
Maybe it's because I attended 13 years of Catholic school (that includes kindergarten), and got to know so many nuns on a personal level, but I've always been fascinated by movies about "brides of christ". And what better time than Christmastime to watch one of these habit-forming films?
THE SOUND OF MUSIC, AGNES OF GOD, NASTY HABITS, CHANGE OF HABIT, THE TROUBLE WITH ANGELS...just to name a few - are always required viewing in my house. As a child, THE FLYING NUN was one of my favorite shows, and I can recall asking several of my nun teachers if they could secretly fly. None of them could - but some could really SING!
Now, the true story of THE SINGING NUN is something that would make a fascinating film. The real Soeur Sourire (Sister Smile), who wrote and sang the worldwide hit song "Dominique" lived a very much different life than what Hollywood would have led us to believe.
Born Jeanne Deckers in Belgium in 1933, she joined a Dominican convent, taking the name Sister Luc-Gabrielle. She became popular among the other nuns for her beautiful songs and was encouraged by to record an album in 1963. The song "Dominique," (about an evangelist and saint who figured prominently in Belgian history) made her an international celebrity, and she adopted the stage name of Soeur Sourire . She performed in concerts and even appeared on THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW in 1964. Imagine if a nun appeared on AMERICAN IDOL today!"Dominique" sold more than 1.5 million copies, and following the success of THE SOUND OF MUSIC, a movie about her starring Debbie Reynolds, was made. Unfortunately, the movie doesn't cover the later years of her life. Around the same time as the film's release, Jeanne stopped performing, Soon after, in 1967 she left the convent and recorded her second album, titled "I Am Not a Star in Heaven". Though she was deeply religious, she grew increasingly vocal and critical of the conservatism of the Roman Catholic Church and she became an advocate of birth control (and reportedly gay rights as well). She even recorded a song entitled "Glory Be to God for the Golden Pill ." Wow.
She later opened a school for autistic children in Belgium with a "friend", Annie Pescher. By the early 1980s the Belgian government began claiming that she owed back taxes almost $50,000. Desperate to raise money, she released an updated dance music version of 'Dominique' in 1983 (need to find it on iTunes) but it failed to set the charts on fire. In 1985, she and Pescher committed suicide together by overdosing on barbiturates and alcohol, and were buried together in consecrated ground. There is a recent Italian film called SUOR SORRISO which delves into these details. I look forward to seeing it one day.Meanwhile, getting back to the movie at hand - I'd been curious about the film for years - I mean a "true story" about nuns starring Jewish-convert Debbie Reynolds her "best friend" Agnes Moorehead and everyone's favorite sexy 1970s MD - Chad Everett!!! Plus pre-FANTASY ISLAND and WRATH OF KHAN Ricardo Montalban and a cameo by Ed Sullivan himself! How could things go wrong?
Directed by war movie veteran Henry Koster , things do go terribly wrong. Well, Debbie does as well as she can as the unsinkable Sister Ann, the spunky nun who who can sing like an angel, but has a lot to learn about doing good things and butting in where she doesn't belong. She is always riding around on her motor scooter with her guitar ("Sister Adelle"), playing soccer with the boys and trying to stop peasant girls from becoming strippers - what a scamp! Moorehead is effectively bitchy as "Mother Endora" - a senior nun, who is not amused by Sister Ann's frolics.Sister Ann's real dream is to move to the African Congo to work with children, but in the meantime she befriends a lonely local little boy, Dominic, whose mother has died and whose father is an alcoholic. I think his sister (Katherine Ross) is kinda whore-ish too. Sister Ann doesn't care about the saint like the real Sister Smile, so decides to write a song about the little boy instead. Go figure.
The song goes something like this:
"Dominique, nique, nique
I will tell of Dominique
His goodness to acclaim
And I pray the song I sing
Will some simple pleasure bring
That the world shall know his name!"
I think something got lost in the translation.
When Father Clementi (Montalban) hears Sister Ann's song, he see dollar signs and enters her in a talent contest. Before you know it, old friend Everett, apparently channeling Clark Gable, shows up and signs her to a record deal and the whole world is soon listening to her silly light-hearted songs!
The album has become a sensation, and "The Singing Nun" is soon making appearances at parties and engagements, even appearing on THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW on CBS! Ironically, while preparing for the show, the nuns explain that they're forbidden to wear makeup-even though the actresses portraying them are clearly wearing lipstick and false eyelashes! Huh?
Everything seems wonderful and magical, only Sister Ann is unprepared for her new found fame-and her attraction to Everett! This is just like Sister Bertrille and Carlos - I mean what was the deal with those two?
And what of the tragedy that soon befalls Dominic and his slutty sister? Does a poor Catholic girl really need to resort to stripping to pay the rent on her cockroach infested shack?
So, if you are curious to see how sugary and fictional a Hollywood biopic can get - see THE SINGING NUN. I'll give it 6 out 10 "Huhs?" because just the thought of bawdy Debbie Reynolds (Miss Burbank 1939) and rumored lesbian Agnes Moorehead as nuns is comedy enough for me! For the record, Reynolds explicitly denied to film historian Robert Osborne that Moorehead was gay, describing her as "terribly religious." That's not what Paul Lynde had to say about her! Hmmm...
THE SOUND OF MUSIC, AGNES OF GOD, NASTY HABITS, CHANGE OF HABIT, THE TROUBLE WITH ANGELS...just to name a few - are always required viewing in my house. As a child, THE FLYING NUN was one of my favorite shows, and I can recall asking several of my nun teachers if they could secretly fly. None of them could - but some could really SING!
Now, the true story of THE SINGING NUN is something that would make a fascinating film. The real Soeur Sourire (Sister Smile), who wrote and sang the worldwide hit song "Dominique" lived a very much different life than what Hollywood would have led us to believe.
Born Jeanne Deckers in Belgium in 1933, she joined a Dominican convent, taking the name Sister Luc-Gabrielle. She became popular among the other nuns for her beautiful songs and was encouraged by to record an album in 1963. The song "Dominique," (about an evangelist and saint who figured prominently in Belgian history) made her an international celebrity, and she adopted the stage name of Soeur Sourire . She performed in concerts and even appeared on THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW in 1964. Imagine if a nun appeared on AMERICAN IDOL today!
"Dominique" sold more than 1.5 million copies, and following the success of THE SOUND OF MUSIC, a movie about her starring Debbie Reynolds, was made. Unfortunately, the movie doesn't cover the later years of her life. Around the same time as the film's release, Jeanne stopped performing, Soon after, in 1967 she left the convent and recorded her second album, titled "I Am Not a Star in Heaven". Though she was deeply religious, she grew increasingly vocal and critical of the conservatism of the Roman Catholic Church and she became an advocate of birth control (and reportedly gay rights as well). She even recorded a song entitled "Glory Be to God for the Golden Pill ." Wow.She later opened a school for autistic children in Belgium with a "friend", Annie Pescher. By the early 1980s the Belgian government began claiming that she owed back taxes almost $50,000. Desperate to raise money, she released an updated dance music version of 'Dominique' in 1983 (need to find it on iTunes) but it failed to set the charts on fire. In 1985, she and Pescher committed suicide together by overdosing on barbiturates and alcohol, and were buried together in consecrated ground. There is a recent Italian film called SUOR SORRISO which delves into these details. I look forward to seeing it one day.
Meanwhile, getting back to the movie at hand - I'd been curious about the film for years - I mean a "true story" about nuns starring Jewish-convert Debbie Reynolds her "best friend" Agnes Moorehead and everyone's favorite sexy 1970s MD - Chad Everett!!! Plus pre-FANTASY ISLAND and WRATH OF KHAN Ricardo Montalban and a cameo by Ed Sullivan himself! How could things go wrong?Directed by war movie veteran Henry Koster , things do go terribly wrong. Well, Debbie does as well as she can as the unsinkable Sister Ann, the spunky nun who who can sing like an angel, but has a lot to learn about doing good things and butting in where she doesn't belong. She is always riding around on her motor scooter with her guitar ("Sister Adelle"), playing soccer with the boys and trying to stop peasant girls from becoming strippers - what a scamp! Moorehead is effectively bitchy as "Mother Endora" - a senior nun, who is not amused by Sister Ann's frolics.
Sister Ann's real dream is to move to the African Congo to work with children, but in the meantime she befriends a lonely local little boy, Dominic, whose mother has died and whose father is an alcoholic. I think his sister (Katherine Ross) is kinda whore-ish too. Sister Ann doesn't care about the saint like the real Sister Smile, so decides to write a song about the little boy instead. Go figure.The song goes something like this:
"Dominique, nique, nique
I will tell of Dominique
His goodness to acclaim
And I pray the song I sing
Will some simple pleasure bring
That the world shall know his name!"
I think something got lost in the translation.
When Father Clementi (Montalban) hears Sister Ann's song, he see dollar signs and enters her in a talent contest. Before you know it, old friend Everett, apparently channeling Clark Gable, shows up and signs her to a record deal and the whole world is soon listening to her silly light-hearted songs!
The album has become a sensation, and "The Singing Nun" is soon making appearances at parties and engagements, even appearing on THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW on CBS! Ironically, while preparing for the show, the nuns explain that they're forbidden to wear makeup-even though the actresses portraying them are clearly wearing lipstick and false eyelashes! Huh?
Everything seems wonderful and magical, only Sister Ann is unprepared for her new found fame-and her attraction to Everett! This is just like Sister Bertrille and Carlos - I mean what was the deal with those two?
And what of the tragedy that soon befalls Dominic and his slutty sister? Does a poor Catholic girl really need to resort to stripping to pay the rent on her cockroach infested shack?
So, if you are curious to see how sugary and fictional a Hollywood biopic can get - see THE SINGING NUN. I'll give it 6 out 10 "Huhs?" because just the thought of bawdy Debbie Reynolds (Miss Burbank 1939) and rumored lesbian Agnes Moorehead as nuns is comedy enough for me! For the record, Reynolds explicitly denied to film historian Robert Osborne that Moorehead was gay, describing her as "terribly religious." That's not what Paul Lynde had to say about her! Hmmm...
Friday, November 9, 2007
ALICE SWEET ALICE
ALICE SWEET ALICE (1976), directed by Alfred Sole was originally released as COMMUNION but returned to theaters two years later to cash on the fame of child-actor Brooke Shields. The film is set in 1961 for some reason and has many references to JFK, Jackie and even to PSYCHO. It's also known as HOLY TERROR - but I'd like to rename it PROBLEM CHILD: THE BEGINNING.The film opens with some real groovy titles - then we visit a rectory where a hunky priest named Father Tom (Rudolph Willrich) lives. Single mom Catherine Spages (played by Jackie Gleason's daughter Linda Miller) and her two daughters Alice (19 year-old LIQUID SKY actress Paula Sheppard playing a prepubescent teen!!!) and Karen (a very young Brooke Shields) are paying a visit.
Angelic Karen will soon make her first holy communion, and the sexy priest gives his late mother's crucifix to her as a gift. I sense some sexual tension between Catherine and Tom. Karen's bratty sister Alice is jealous, and wanders about the rectory - scaring the wacky Italian housekeeper Mrs. Tredoni (Olympia Dukakis lookalike Mildred Clinton) with a really creepy Halloween mask.
Later Alice (who sort of resembles the Downs Syndrome girl "Jill" from the infamous menstruation education film ALL WOMEN GET PERIODS) is seen terrorizing Karen by abusing her toys and locking her in a room. Mom Catherine doesn't seem to react to her daughter's morbid hobbies, possibly because she's distressed about her failed marriage. Things soon go from bad to worse when Karen is strangled at her first communion - by a stranger in a yellow rain slicker and Halloween mask! And I thought vomiting at MY first communion was bad! (This is true - I threw up and they thought I was possessed!)After Karen is killed, her body is stuffed into some sort of bench, her crucifix is stolen and then her corpse is set on fire with a church candle. Jeez! Where was the Catholic League when this was released???
When Mother Superior sees smoke, she opens the bench and screams - attracting the attention churchgoers including Catherine and her meddling sister Annie (the very effective Jane Lowry). A funeral follows and Catherine's handsome
ex-husband Dom shows up to help. Annie decides to stay with Catherine to help her through this difficult time and to attempt to discipline Alice, who has only gotten more bratty since Karen's murder. Alice then recruits her chubby cousin Angela to taunt the reclusive and extremely overweight landlord Mr. Alfonso (possibly the most disgusting character since Divine played his own rapist in FEMALE TROUBLE). Suffice to say, people who piss themselves should NOT wear white!
Dom begins to work with the cops to solve his daughter's murder, and tries to call Father Tom, but Mrs. Tredoni interferes, with the intention of protecting the priest from getting too involved. Tom later tells Dom that the police suspect Alice is the killer. Back at the Spages' home Alice drops a bottle of milk and Aunt Annie has a shit fit and tells her it's time to go back to school. Alice then puts on her yellow slicker and pays Mr. Alfonso and his cats a visit. After she wrinkles the rent check, Mr. A. tries to feel her up - she responds by picking up one of his cute kitties and throws it across the room, killing it. What a little bitch!I sure hope the Humane Society was there for that scene!
We see that Alice has built an altar in the basement - where she has candles, her mask, her raincoat, a two-face doll, ballet sleepers and other assorted creepy items. This girl needs therapy in a big way.
Aunt Annie heads out during a storm, but as she walks down the stairs she is suddenly attacked by a masked figure who stabs her repeatedly in her legs and feet. She fights back as best as she can, yelling out Alice's name and attracting Mr. A as a witness. Catherine finds her sister lying in a pool of blood on the sidewalk just as Dom and Rev. Tom drive up. Good timing, guys!
Later at the hospital, Annie tells her milquetoast husband Jim that Alice tried to kill her. Soon Alice is taken in for a lie detector test. She kinda fails when she tells the cops that she saw KAREN attack her aunt. Huh? Karen's dead...I think. Another disturbing scene follows when two cops discuss Alice's breasts. What the fuck - she's supposed to be like 11 or 12. We later learn that Alice has has her first period. This IS just like the Jill video - except Jill doesn't kill anyone from what I remember.
Catherine and Dom are convinced that Alice is innocent - Catherine thinks Annie just wants to pin it all on Alice because she has always hated the born out-of-wedlock child - and Dom thinks Angela (Annie's daughter) is the slasher. Sparks begin to reignite for the divorced couple, until a phone call from his new wife serves as a cold shower for Dom. Dom then receives a suspicious call from Angela. But the voice on the phone is an adult's - and Dom doesn't notice. Huh? "Angela" tells Dom that she has Karen's crucifix and wants to meet him in an abandoned building. Okay... After believing for an hour that Alice was the slasher, I began to wonder just WHO the masked killer was. Could it be Catherine? Could it be Annie's husband Jim? Could it be Alice? Angela? The sexy priest? One of the cats? I'm stumped!
Dom arrives at the warehouse and is attacked by the slasher (wearing the Halloween mask and the yellow raincoat.) He is soon stabbed in the shoulder and then hit in the face with a brick. Dom is then tied up and pushed out of window. This is so not a good week for the Spages family!
Finally the slasher takes off the mask and is revealed to be...XXXXXXX!!!! HUH??? Wow - I did NOT see that coming! XXXXXXX declares that Dom and Catherine are sinners. During Dom's autopsy, they find Karen's crucifix lodged in his throat, apparently he tried swallowing it to keep it away from the killer. Thanks, we were wondering where that went.
It's soon time for Sunday mass. Alice first stops by Mr. Alfonso's apartment to put cockroaches on his stomach as he sleeps.
Nice. Meanwhile, XXXXXXX packs a knife in a shopping bag and stops by the Spages' apartment. Mr. A wakes up and spots XXXXXXX - and thinking it's Alice, he grabs the killer, who then pulls out her knife and stabs him!!! Well, that's one character I can live without.
Later at church, just as XXXXXXX is about to receive Holy Communion, the slasher pulls out the knife and stabs Father Tom in the neck. The priest falls on the altar and into XXXXXXX's arms. Chaos ensues. In the final shot, we see Alice as she walks away from the altar carrying the shopping bag. Then she pulls the bloodied knife out of it and stares blankly into the camera!!! SUPER CREEPY!!!!
What else can I say about ALICE SWEET ALICE? This movie is fan-fucking-tastic! 10 outta 10. Scary, funny, crazy, sacrilegious - this one's a keeper with or without little Brooke. Thanks to my buddy Mike for helping me recall some of the details on this one.
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