THE BEGUILED

After Clint Eastwood's puzzling appearance at the RNC the other night, here's a post from 2008 harking back to the days of a kinder, gentler, saner Clint.
Part Civil War epic, part baroque melodrama, part dirty soap opera, part gothic horror movie, part gender politics study and part Brothers Grimm fairy tale: THE BEGUILED (directed by Don Siegel) stars Clint Eastwood in his most intriguing and unusual role since he was elected mayor of Carmel, Ca.

After the requisite montage of real Civil War atrocities via sepia-tinted black and white photos...we arrive somewhere in Louisiana during the last days of the Civil War. Eastwood is John McBurney, a Yankee soldier who is near death after falling out of a tree. My guess is that he was hiding up there when he was shot.

A 12 year old girl named Amy (Pamelyn Ferdin, Edna Unger from TV's ODD COUPLE) is out picking mushrooms and discovers his severely wounded body. They talk, exchange names and cell phone numbers, and just before the girl helps him to stand, he tells her she's "old enough to kiss a man" and pulls her down beside him and gives her a long, hard kiss on the mouth. Huh??? She's confused, but happy. I'm confused and kinda grossed out. She then drags him to the mansion on a old plantation that serves as an all-girls school, where "McB" slowly regains his health under the care of sexually repressed headmistress Martha Farnsworth (Geraldine Page) and the horny girl students who live there. Sort of like when Blair first dragged Jo back to the Eastland school where sexually repressed Mrs. Garrett welcomed her with open arms.

Martha puts her skeptical slave Hallie in charge of washing him...above and below the waist! We are treated to hints of incest when Hallie dresses him in Martha's brother's shirt. Afraid of being turned over to the rebel forces, McB behaves like a polite and appreciative guest, after all he is a Quaker! As he gets healthier, he begins to charm (or beguile if you may) the love-starved students.

Soon the girls begin to vie for his affections, at first we think he's actually falling for virginal teacher Edwina (Elizabeth Hartman), but he seems to be inspiring jealousy among some of the others. This reminds me of Tatum O'Neal and Kristie McNichol both going after Matt Dillon in LITTLE DARLINGS. When one of the spurned girls tries to turn McB over to the Confederate army, Martha comes to his defense, claiming that he's her cousin from Texas. When McB tries to "thank" the headmistress for offering him a permanent residence at the school as the groundskeeper (replacing her brother) we witness a full flashback of Martha and and her lusty sibling getting it on. Donny and Marie Osmond they are not!

Following this we are then treated to Martha's wine-induced dream sequence, an eerie montage of McB frolicking with both Martha and Edwina, ending with a lesbian-tinged three-way that transforms itself into a painting of The Pieta. I swear...McB then gets to suck the nipple of one of the slutty girls - teenaged hussy Carol - leading to a an altercation with an enraged Edwina which ends with McB at the foot of the long circular staircase with a newly re-wounded leg. The battle of the sexes has begun!

SPOILERS START HERE. Martha has the girls harness him up and tie him to the dining room table- and announces that she plans to cut off his leg before it becomes infected with gangrene. What follows is some pretty brutal stuff, involving blood, knives, a saw, bloody hands, sweat, facial close-ups, more blood, blurry faces, a sweaty slave, more blood - you name it...

Clint flips out when he wakes up the next day without a leg, and he's now a prisoner rather than a welcomed guest. Amy tells McB that she loves him and he loves her back. I think she's 13 now. Somehow McB gets his hands on a gun - and now he has the upper hand...but only one leg!

After he threatens Hallie, we flashback to her being raped by Martha's brother. Charming fellow. McB then discovers the wine cellar, then he interrupts the girl's lunch with a drunken rant...and news that he has discovered love letters between Martha and her brother! When Amy tries to lighten things up, he flings her pet turtle across the room, killing it!!! Huh? After this hysteria, Martha convinces sweet, innocent Amy to put down the bloody turtle and gather up some yummy mushrooms for the evening's dinner.

At dinner, McB apologizes for his drunken behavior, leads the table in prayer and and announces his intention to marry Edwina, but it is too late...he's been poisoned by Amy's mushrooms!!! Clint realizes this and slowly gets up from the table and struggles to leave the room. Martha demands that the girls leave him be and finish their dinner. They do. He tumbles to the ground off camera and dies. Next the girls wrap up his body and carry it outside the gate to dump it. The end.

This movie is brilliant. I'm not much of an Eastwood fan, but between this and PLAY MISTY FOR ME, I gotta say - he really knew how to pick 'em back them. Great acting from Clint, Page and Hartman also set this film apart from the pack. THE BEGUILED gets a big 10 outta 10 in my book. In an odd coincidence, two of the actresses, Elizabeth Hartman and Geraldine Page, died in the same week. Hartman died on June 10, 1987 after jumping out of an 5-story window in an apparent suicide. Page died on June 13, 1987 of a heart attack. Sad.

THE KILLING KIND

Here's a mini-review from 2008 of a Curtis Harrington thriller, with a title that always brings to mind the great Shelby Lynne song from BRIDGET JONES' DIARY (see video below the review).THE KILLING KIND (1973, directed by Curtis Harrington) opens as 17-year old Terry Lambert (John Savage of HAIR) is forced to take part in a gang-rape on the beach - two years later he's released from prison and returns to the Hollywood boarding house for old ladies, run by his overly affectionate mother Thelma (Ann Sothern of THE MANITOU). The biddies think that Terry's been volunteering for the Peace Corps.Terry spends much of his time in his tighty-whities or in a floral-print Speedo, but you know Terry's not right when he kisses his mom on the lips and then strangles one of her cats while spying on new tenant Lori (Cindy Williams of LAVERNE & SHIRLEY). At the same time, Terry is being stalked by a mousy, nosy neighbor named Louise (Luana Anders of  THE MANIPULATOR) who lives with her crippled father. We soon learn that Looney Louise wants to act out her fucked-up rape fantasies with him. Terry then starts prank phone calling his rape victim Tina (Sue Bernard of FASTER PUSSYCAT, KILL KILL) - eventually driving her off the road to her death. Next he pays a visit to the woman lawyer who put him behind bars (Ruth Roman) and drowns her in her own booze. There's also particularly grisly scene involving a rat, a poolside freak-out involving his guitar and a two scenes involving Cindy Williams and drowning.What starts out fun and interesting becomes a bit boring about half-way thru. It doesn't feel like there's enough plot to sustain interest. The cast is a mixed bag. Savage is so likable, you almost forgive him for being a psycho - after all he was practically violated himself in the opening rape scene and then made to be the fall guy, as if it had been his idea. Ann Sothern is deliciously over-the-top as hot momma Thelma, and looks like she's having the time of her life. Ruth Roman is a hoot in her brief scene. Cindy Williams, on the other hand, seems uncomfortable and miscast as an aspiring model. Luana Anders is enjoyable, but her character and plotline is extraneous.

I'll give THE KILLING KIND a 7 outta 10. The dvd has a cool interview with the director, who passed away in 2007. Fans of this should check out Harrington's HOW AWFUL ABOUT ALLAN and the previously reviewed POOR PRETTY EDDIE.

TWO ON A GUILLOTINE

From 2010: TWO ON A GUILLOTINE is a film that I've waited years to see. Thanks to The Warner Archive Collection, it's now possible to own this rare and unusual film from 1965. Directed by actor William Conrad (CANNON, JAKE & THE FATMAN) from a quasi-Grand Guignol script by Henry Slesar (THE TWILIGHT ZONE, THE EDGE OF NIGHT).
The film opens with a wonderfully demented scene involving magician John Duquesne (played by the late, over-the-top closeted gay actor Cesar Romero) performing a ghastly trick involving his wife Melinda and a very sharp object.
After the prologue, we find out that poor Melinda has gone missing. We also learn that the new library has been dedicated and "casual labor" rules have been clarified by an official. Thank heavens!

Flash forward a bunch of years and Duquesne has suddenly died. His estranged daughter Cassie (played by Debbie Reynolds lookalike and future John McCain supporter Connie Stevens) shows up at this funeral, and later attends the read of his will-at the Hollywood Bowl.
Cassie must spend seven nights in her father's mansion in order to inherit his estate. A reporter named Val Henderson (played by future Disney star, Jesus freak and gay marriage opponent Dean Jones) takes an interest in her, but we are not sure if his aim is true because he doesn't let on that he's with the press.
Things get off to a spooky start when Cassie flips a light switch and something surprising happens. Here's a spoiler-free hint: the lights don't turn on.

Turns out dad was quite the prankster and the mansion is full of mildly spooky gags that would make any rational person giggle.
But Cassie can't take a joke, and any time she encounters one of her father's scare tactics, she calls on Val to save her. So Val begins to spend the nights with her in the house-in his own room.

When a belligerent new housekeeper shows up and insinuates that the two are a couple, they get all defensive.

After Hazel quits, Val takes Cassie out for a few thrills and we get to see a really cool mid-60s amusement park. They ride a roller coaster, explore a house of mirrors and ride the coolest hanging orb thing.

See - I told you it was cool.

Then Val takes her to a nightclub, where three cool chicks dance in a giant cage. Is that Mink Stole in the middle?

What follows next is the most amazing and sexy scene in which Val just stares at Cassie.

And Cassie stares back at Val. I think David Lynch must have seen this as a young man and decided to become a filmmaker.

Then they kiss. And kiss. And kiss.

A two-sided pillow that they won at the amusement park, flips over to the "GO" side.

Oh did I mention, that there's a white rabbit living in the house that apparently nobody feeds or cleans up after?

Daddy's old housekeeper Dolly pays a visit. She's been drinking and she lets it all out - revealing the truth about Mr. Duquesne, his poor wife and other terrible secrets! When it's revealed that Val is a reporter, Cassie boots him out.

Oops - you weren't supposed to see that!

Poor Cassie, looks like she's not gonna last all seven nights...

especially when her nightmares become more and more ghoulish.

Oh, hi dad!

 Hey - wait a minute, I'm not supposed to be in here!!!

So Cassie wakes up and takes a stroll around the mansion, entering a locked room where dad kept his infamous guillotine.

Wait...is Nicole Kidman in this movie? No, it's just Cassie getting startled by something else.

Silly rabbit.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Meanwhile, Val gets the rest of the story from Dolly. I'm not telling, but is that a hint of incest in the air?

Oh no - how did Cassie end up in this predicament?

Um, that looks kinda sharp. I sure hope somebody doesn't back into the lever....

Yikes.

I'm not giving it away. But, happily the rabbit does not die.

I love this movie. 10 outa 10. Sure, it's been called "a dull, silly, tedious clinker" and "an old-fashioned, haunted-house spooker" - but give me this over a CGI-induced 3D movie based on a video game any day of the week. But that's just me, and I'm glad. Be sure to read the Dell comic book adaptation.

On a side, note how about we adopt "The Right to Love" as a pro-gay marriage anthem? Take that, Dean Jones.

THE ANNIVERSARY

More fun from 2009! I've seen the publicity photos of Bette Davis wearing a color-coordinated eyepatch (that must have inspired the Nike logo) a million times, but never knew what film it came from–until I watched THE ANNIVERSARY (1968, directed by Roy Ward Baker)!This very black comedy, adapted from a stage play by Bill MacIlwraith, is from the Hammer House of Horror and tells the sordid story of the Taggart family - penny-pinching, inept real estate developers in England who get together annually at the gorgeous family estate in "celebration" of their mother's wedding anniversary to their late father.One-eyed Mother Taggart (Davis) is a cruel, demanding and contemptible woman whose only joy in life seems to be her pleasure in ridiculing her three spineless sons and their families. She knows how to push their buttons and she uses every finger she has to do it. This year, her youngest son Tom (Christian Roberts)—who is handsome until he opens his mouth—brings along his pretty blonde fiancee Shirley Blair to meet the family. Unfortunately things get off on the wrong foot almost immediately when Bette asks the girl to not stand too close to her because she "loathes body odor." She later forces the poor dear to reveal her deformed ears - causing Mother to declare "I have an adversion to anything repulsive".Her middle son Terry (Jack Hedley) has been married to Karen (Sheila Hancock) for a few years and they are planning a big move to Canada with their brood of children. They already have five with a sixth on its way. We learn that Terry was responsible for the shooting accident that left Mother with only one eye. We also later learn that mother gives them one thousand pounds every time they procreate and Karen has been saving up the money in order to pay for their move across the sea. Mother's reaction to Karen's plans? "My God, she's scummy!"The oldest son Henry (James Cossins, later famous for his guest turn as the hotel inspector on FAWLTY TOWERS) is unmarried, a confirmed bachelor who has a thing for silky womens undergarments. We see him ogling a shopgirl's slip, "borrowing" neighbors brassieres and hear him being scolded for wearing them (off-screen). Mother's venomous, but hysterical insults fly out out her mouth quickly and furiously in between puffs from her cigarette. She is vehemently opposed to Tom's sudden engagement, Terry's ridiculous desire to leave England and Henry's abhorrent transvestitism. She announces that she wants to have Henry arrested sent to prison where he'll be rehabilitated.
She will stop at nothing to make sure she ruthlessly neuters her sons and mentally scars the women in their lives. Mother even goes as far as telling Karen that her and Terry's children have been killed in a car accident to make the already anguished woman feel what its like to "lose a son". Meanwhile, the children are safe and sound upstairs. Mother also freaks everyone out when she plants a long, deep kiss on Tom's lips - but doesn't smear her lipstick!
Bette Davis plays a vindictive matriarch better than anyone in film history, commanding our attention as if she would chastise us if we didn't. While not a horror film per se, the feeling of uneasiness that Davis creates almost feels like she is brutally killing each one of the characters one by one.
If you are a Davis fan, and love to see her ravenously chew the scenery, this film serves it up like no other. Unfortunately the scenes without Bette drag the entire production down, so you may want to be prepared for a slightly bumpy ride. I give it an 8 outta 10 for Davis' performance in addition to the smothering atmosphere she helps create.