Who Watches The Sentinels?

Here's an updated post from 2009 - from right before THE WATCHMEN film came out.

The controversial comic book prequel, BEFORE WATCHMEN arrives in stores tomorrow. As most people know, the original WATCHMEN was a 12-issue DC Comics miniseries by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. 

What a lot of people (including some comic book readers) don't know is that the characters are actually based on comic book heroes that originally appeared in the 1960s under the Charlton Comics banner.

While never a team at Charlton, the characters returned from a self-imposed limbo and formed the team called Sentinels of Justice when Americomics published their adventures in the early 1980s.
Only four of the characters appeared during this run, with Peacemaker and Peter Cannon, Thunderbolt sitting this one out.

The characters resurfaced in the mid-1980s when DC Comics folded the Charlton "Action Heroes" into the DC Universe through the events of CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS.

These characters were favorites among comics fans and creators alike and DC hoped to eventually introduce them to a new generation of readers through a proposed weekly publication called Comics Cavalcade Weekly. This never happened.
Meanwhile, Alan Moore, who had already breathed new life into Swamp Thing and the British hero Marvelman, had other plans for the characters. Unfortunately DC decided that if Moore had used the Charlton characters, they would be unusable by anyone afterwards. The result was that Moore and Gibbons created new characters based on the originals.

Peacemaker (Christopher Smith) became The Comedian (Edward Blake). Captain Atom (Allen Adam) became Doctor Manhattan (Jonathan Osterman). The Silver Age Blue Beetle (Ted Kord) became Nite Owl (Dan Dreiberg). Peter Cannon, Thunderbolt became Ozymandias (Adrian Veidt). The Question (Vic Sage) became Rorschach (Walter Kovacs). And Nightshade (Even Eden) became Silk Spectre (Laurie Juspeczyk). Judomaster and Sarge Steel didn't make the cut.As WATCHMEN became a critical and sales sensation, DC continued using the original characters. Most had their own series, some were part of group books and eventually most of them teamed up in a memorable issue of JUSTICE LEAGUE QUARTERLY.Years later, after DC lost the rights to Peter Cannon, Thunderbolt (they reverted back to his creator) - the rest of the gang (including Judomaster) formed the superteam called L.A.W. - Living Assualt Weapons. This ill-conceived concept did not last past it's six issue miniseries.
In recent years, Peacemaker died and was replaced twice, Captain Atom went rogue and became a super villain, Blue Beetle was shot to death and replaced by a teen hero, and The Question died of cancer and was replaced by former Gotham City policewoman Renne Montoya.
Nightshade actually fared better than most, having successful runs with the teams Suicide Squad and the Shadowpact. The Watchmen, on the other hand became media darlings.I can't help but wonder what if DC had allowed Moore to use the original versions of the characters...
Would Captain Atom ever be caught with his pants down? Highly unlikely.

CAPTAIN EO Returns!

In celebration of CAPTAIN EO's return to Disneyland, here's my THIRD posting of my controversial review of CAPTAIN EO, the movie.Now that the smoked has cleared. I think it's safe to rerun this controversial review of CAPTAIN EO from 2008. In light of news from last summer, I've decided to dust it off, clean it up just a bit and respond to some of my critics. It's not often that one gets an opportunity to review a theme park attraction movie, especially one that's over 20 years old and no longer used because of its star's reputation for being an alleged pedophile, so when given the chance to see CAPTAIN EO (1985, directed by Francis Ford Coppola!!!) again - I practically moonwalked!This ambitious (to say the least) short was filmed in 3-D and had George Lucas attached as a writer/producer. Not the cool George Lucas of STAR WARS, but the cheesy George Lucas responsible for such dreck as the Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks. Also, I might add that this Francis Ford Coppola is not the class act "A List" director responsible for the GODFATHER saga, but the evil madman who foisted his daughter Sofia upon an unsuspecting world. One wonders if Coppola and Lucas signed a pact with the devil (aka Michael Eisner) to make this mess.This $30 million movie (Imagine what I could do with that money!!!) tells the story of Captain EO (played by a pre-skin bleached Michael Jackson) and his "ragtag" crew (basically the Banana Splits from Saturday mornings past) traveling in his space craft, which I'll call MLSTR-1, on some sort of a mission from a hologram named Commander Bog (played by Dick Shawn, who later died on stage the next year during a performance of his one-man show), that I believe (from what I could decipher) to deliver a something to a evil queen (this is Disney after all - there HAS to be an evil queen and an innocent princess) named "the Supreme Leader" - played by the fabulous Angelica Huston in H.G. Giger meets KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN make-up -that's funny I always thought Diana Ross was the Supreme leader!We first meet Captain EO and his Sid & Marty Krofft-inspired crew, consisting of a dumb, bumbling Dumbo-like creature named "Hooter", an annoying flying "bug" which I think is named Fuzzball (was WEBSTER not available?), a thing with two heads, a robot called Major Domo (?) with a small robot named Minor Domo, who plugs himself into the back of the larger robot. No comment. They soon fly past a giant space rock that looks like Michael's old nose, that explodes, reportedly causing the audience to scream with delight. I don't recall since 3-D movies give me migraines and I usually don't wear the plastic eye disease-spreading glasses that they hand out.
Once they arrive on Planet Huston, they encounter Angelica, who lives in a place that looks like a dirty, flithy warehouse, decorated with scrap metal and disconnected wires. She is the only cool thing in this entire 17-minute opus, and she orders her storm troopers to take them captive - and she sentences them to be tortured. IF ONLY, because I'm already in pain from watching this, and I don't like to suffer alone!

Princess EO tells the Queen that he sees the hidden "beauty" within her - all she needs is some good plastic surgery and that he has a gift to help unleash it. Then the first "music video" portion of the evening begins, but clumsy Hooter trips into EO and breaks his instrument, stopping the music. I was almost expecting EO's hair to catch on fire!

Before the grande bitch's guards can capture EO, Hooter fixes the problem (damn you Hooter!!!) and there's a blast of music, which gives EO super human powers - transforming the storm troopers into Solid Gold dancers.

Then a THRILLER-like dance number begins, followed by a dreadful song, "We Are Here to Change the World" - during which he uses his powers and magical rainbow tee-shirt to transform the Queen into a "beautiful woman" and her planet is transformed into an OZ-like paradise. Then we are "treated" to another crappy song called "Another Part of Me" which I think may have referred to Michael's allegedly polka-dotted penis.

And then it's over. Thankfully. I have to say –with all respects to the recently departed megastar–I have never owned a single Michael Jackson record, 8-track tape or cd EVER ("We are the World" doesn't count, does it?) -and this little film exemplifies why. In my book, I never found "the man in the mirror" to be a genius that most people did. I'm sorry.

As a kid, I did enjoy the JACKSON 5IVE cartoon series, and really loved little Janet as child-abuse victim Penny on GOOD TIMES (nothing says "good times" better than the imprint of a clothes iron burned into your flesh), but that's as far as my Jackson tolerance goes.

I guess I'll never understand how and why people are drawn to such marginally talented "pop stars" - well then again this is the same planet where AMERICAN IDOL and DANCING WITH THE STARS are the top 2 shows on TV. Give me the GONG SHOW any day. Oh, sorry - what was I reviewing? Oh yeah, CAPTAIN EO. It sucks, but not in "the good way". 2 outta 10.

Okay - that was my initial post (with a few minor edits). Here's the comments I received:

TEDDY writes: you're right, Captain Eo blows, I never did like Mickey Jackson either.

DOUG responds: Thanks Teddy.

JUSTIN writes: You can call E.O crap, but to say Michael Jackson isn't talented? What are you smoking? The man single-gloved handedly revolutionized the music business and every male pop and R&B artist that has followed after him has taken a note of two from his book; the same way female pop-stars follow Janet's career book as well (save for the SB wardrobe malfunction. Michael Jackson not talented.... indeed this is the first time i've ever read someone dismiss the man's talent.

DOUG responds: Well, just because someone inspires others to adapt certain aspects of their style doesn't really have anything to do with talent. It has to do with packaging and marketing - which, in the 1980s, was something that the Jackson camp was able to do extremely well. I just don't find his music or the music that it inspired very appealing - the same for his sister. Sorry. Justin - if I was smoking something I might have enjoyed EO more. Maybe next time?

ANONYMOUS writes: Wow, I agree with Justin, Michael jackson has had such a major influence in pop culture and the artists of today, i.e. Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown, Justin Timberlake, just to name a few. They all credit him as one of their inspirations. I'm not concerned with someone's appearance and quirkiness, as much as God-Given talent. you don't have to like the movie, ...it's from the 80's and was at Disney, but don't discount the kind of talent Michael Jackson has!

DOUG responds: Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown, Justin Timberlake. 4 prime examples of why music sucks today. Thank you for proving my point.

PAT writes: Pop music is in it's worst shape ever thanks to "influences" like Michael Jackson. Calling "performers" like Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown and Justin Timberlake "artists" just shows how far down the talent scale we've slid. They are all pretty crappy if you ask me, though I wouldn't mind seeing them naked. ;) Give me Tom Jones any day!

DOUG responds: I love you Pat. Tom Jones is the true king of pop.

LANCE writes: I too would like to see Justin Timberlake naked. Michael Jackson, not so much...

DOUG responds: I concur, Lance.

SEMI PERMANENT writes: Semi Permanent and medical micro pigmentation safely and expertly applied by fully qualified technicians with Royal College of Nursing approved training and British Association of Skin Camouflage certification. Clinics throughout England. Professional, sound advice. Excellent aftercare.

DOUG responds: That is hysterical. This officially ends our trip down memory lane. Rest in peace, Captain Eo.

CAPTAIN EO Revisited

Now that the smoked has cleared. I think it's safe to rerun this controversial review of CAPTAIN EO from last spring. In light of recent news, I've decided to dust it off, clean it up just a bit and respond to some of my critics. It's not often that one gets an opportunity to review a theme park attraction"movie, especially one that's over 20 years old and no longer used because of its star's reputation for being an alleged pedophile, so when given the chance to see CAPTAIN EO (1985, directed by Francis Ford Coppola!!!) again - I practically moonwalked!This ambitious (to say the least) short was filmed in 3-D and had George Lucas attached as a writer/producer. Not the cool George Lucas of STAR WARS, but the cheesy George Lucas responsible for such dreck as the Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks. Also, I might add that this Francis Ford Coppola is not the class act "A List" director responsible for the GODFATHER saga, but the evil madman who foisted his daughter Sofia upon an unsuspecting world. One wonders if Coppola and Lucas signed a pact with the devil (aka Michael Eisner) to make this mess.This $30 million movie (Imagine what I could do with that money!!!) tells the story of Captain EO (played by a pre-skin bleached Michael Jackson) and his "ragtag" crew (basically the Banana Splits from Saturday mornings past) traveling in his space craft, which I'll call MLSTR-1, on some sort of a mission from a hologram named Commander Bog (played by Dick Shawn, who later died on stage the next year during a performance of his one-man show), that I believe (from what I could decipher) to deliver a something to a evil queen (this is Disney after all - there HAS to be an evil queen and an innocent princess) named "the Supreme Leader" - played by the fabulous Angelica Huston in H.G. Giger meets KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN make-up -that's funny I always thought Diana Ross was the Supreme leader!We first meet Captain EO and his Sid & Marty Krofft-inspired crew, consisting of a dumb, bumbling Dumbo-like creature named "Hooter", an annoying flying "bug" which I think is named Fuzzball (was WEBSTER not available?), a thing with two heads, a robot called Major Domo (?) with a small robot named Minor Domo, who plugs himself into the back of the larger robot. No comment. They soon fly past a giant space rock that looks like Michael's old nose, that explodes, reportedly causing the audience to scream with delight. I don't recall since 3-D movies give me migraines and I usually don't wear the plastic eye disease-spreading glasses that they hand out.
Once they arrive on Planet Huston, they encounter Angelica, who lives in a place that looks like a dirty, flithy warehouse, decorated with scrap metal and disconnected wires. She is the only cool thing in this entire 17-minute opus, and she orders her storm troopers to take them captive - and she sentences them to be tortured. IF ONLY, because I'm already in pain from watching this, and I don't like to suffer alone!

Princess EO tells the Queen that he sees the hidden "beauty" within her - all she needs is some good plastic surgery and that he has a gift to help unleash it. Then the first "music video" portion of the evening begins, but clumsy Hooter trips into EO and breaks his instrument, stopping the music. I was almost expecting EO's hair to catch on fire!

Before the grande bitch's guards can capture EO, Hooter fixes the problem (damn you Hooter!!!) and there's a blast of music, which gives EO super human powers - transforming the storm troopers into Solid Gold dancers.

Then a THRILLER-like dance number begins, followed by a dreadful song, "We Are Here to Change the World" - during which he uses his powers and magical rainbow tee-shirt to transform the Queen into a "beautiful woman" and her planet is transformed into an OZ-like paradise. Then we are "treated" to another crappy song called "Another Part of Me" which I think may have referred to Michael's allegedly polka-dotted penis.

And then it's over. Thankfully. I have to say –with all respects to the recently departed megastar–I have never owned a single Michael Jackson record, 8-track tape or cd EVER ("We are the World" doesn't count, does it?) -and this little film exemplifies why. In my book, I never found "the man in the mirror" to be a genius that most people did. I'm sorry.

As a kid, I did enjoy the JACKSON 5IVE cartoon series, and really loved little Janet as child-abuse victim Penny on GOOD TIMES (nothing says "good times" better than the imprint of a clothes iron burned into your flesh), but that's as far as my Jackson tolerance goes.

I guess I'll never understand how and why people are drawn to such marginally talented "pop stars" - well then again this is the same planet where AMERICAN IDOL and DANCING WITH THE STARS are the top 2 shows on TV. Give me the GONG SHOW any day. Oh, sorry - what was I reviewing? Oh yeah, CAPTAIN EO. It sucks, but not in "the good way". 2 outta 10.

Okay - that was my initial post (with a few minor edits). Here's the comments I received:

TEDDY writes: you're right, Captain Eo blows, I never did like Mickey Jackson either.

DOUG responds: Thanks Teddy.

JUSTIN writes: You can call E.O crap, but to say Michael Jackson isn't talented? What are you smoking? The man single-gloved handedly revolutionized the music business and every male pop and R&B artist that has followed after him has taken a note of two from his book; the same way female pop-stars follow Janet's career book as well (save for the SB wardrobe malfunction. Michael Jackson not talented.... indeed this is the first time i've ever read someone dismiss the man's talent.

DOUG responds: Well, just because someone inspires others to adapt certain aspects of their style doesn't really have anything to do with talent. It has to do with packaging and marketing - which, in the 1980s, was something that the Jackson camp was able to do extremely well. I just don't find his music or the music that it inspired very appealing - the same for his sister. Sorry. Justin - if I was smoking something I might have enjoyed EO more. Maybe next time?

ANONYMOUS writes: Wow, I agree with Justin, Michael jackson has had such a major influence in pop culture and the artists of today, i.e. Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown, Justin Timberlake, just to name a few. They all credit him as one of their inspirations. I'm not concerned with someone's appearance and quirkiness, as much as God-Given talent. you don't have to like the movie, ...it's from the 80's and was at Disney, but don't discount the kind of talent Michael Jackson has!

DOUG responds: Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown, Justin Timberlake. 4 prime examples of why music sucks today. Thank you for proving my point.

PAT writes: Pop music is in it's worst shape ever thanks to "influences" like Michael Jackson. Calling "performers" like Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown and Justin Timberlake "artists" just shows how far down the talent scale we've slid. They are all pretty crappy if you ask me, though I wouldn't mid seeing them naked. ;) Give me Tom Jones any day!

DOUG responds: I love you Pat. Tom Jones is the true king of pop.

LANCE writes: I too would like to see Justin Timberlake naked. Michael Jackson, not so much...

DOUG responds: I concur, Lance.

SEMI PERMANENT writes: Semi Permanent and medical micro pigmentation safely and expertly applied by fully qualified technicians with Royal College of Nursing approved training and British Association of Skin Camouflage certification. Clinics throughout England. Professional, sound advice. Excellent aftercare.

DOUG responds: That is hysterical. This officially ends our trip down memory lane. Rest in peace, Captain Eo.

HE-MAN & SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Today we bend the rules a bit here as my friend Danny reviews one of the worst (or best) Christmas specials ever - HE-MAN & SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL - Originally broadcast in syndication in 1985. Presenting for your holiday pleasure Danny's review...Funny thing is, when I watched HE-MAN & SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL with a group of drunken, rowdy friends, we suddenly became peaceful and quieter than usual - and I didn't fast forward through this one at all!  It is a Christmas miracle!!!

The story goes something like this: "Orgazmo" went into a cockpit and accidentally launched He-Man's rocket into space. I think. So somehow, Orgazmo in the rocket ends up on the planet Earth. Once on our planet, he runs into two earth children who are about to get crushed in an avalanche, so he uses a spell to rescue them.  These two kids are named Miguel and Alicia. Two Latino children. At least, I suppose they're Latino, based on their names.  Let's see what their parents look like...(Click on photos to enlarge)How the hell did those two end up with those two kids??? Adoption? One thing I'll say for them, at least they kept their natural hair color.  Everyone else in this "movie" dyes their hair!  You can tell 'cause no one dyes their brows.  Anyway, He-Man's friend, "Sidekick Man", brings back Orgazmo and the two wetback kids. (I can say that - cause I'm Mexican!) But they get captured by Skeletor, who I thought was supposed to be a bad ass, but he turns all gay when a puppy licks his face - yeah, GAY! I can say that -cause I'm gay! 

Anyway, He-Man tries to save the kids, but then he's distracted by some sort of sex toy fair and spends some time trying out the equipment he's considering buying. Unfortunately, it's not strong enough to hold him, so he moves on. 

Meanwhile She-Ra (whom I had NO IDEA was He-Man's sister) spends a lot of time fighting a "Beast Monster", very imaginatively named, no?  So Then He-Man and She-Ra team up and save the day! They're really brother and sister?  But he's so much more tan and his hair is orangey-er... But they DO have the same brows. (Click on photos to enlarge)

Anyway, then every one in He-Man/Sha-Ra "world" gets together and celebrates Christmas  which we learn is about presents!!!...and something else too, but mostly PRESENTS!!!My favorites are the two gay guys on the left looking like they'ere just coming home from the Folsom Street Fair 2025.  I wonder what's in their Christmas packages...?

But, I wonder, do the people in the He Man Universe even have any concept who the baby Jesus is or anything of the sort?  Does it really matter? No!! Anyway, the "film" ends with the moral of the story, brought to us by Orgazmo and He Man's alter ego, Adam... "Your brows don't HAVE to match your hair. Am I gay, or what?"

Doug adds - this is beyond the "Huh?" scale - only watch it if you are stoned or Mexican or Gay or like TV shows based on crappy toys from the 1980s. Enjoy!

THE DAY TIME ENDED

So this 1979 movie starts out with an at least four-minute shot of outer space with some guy babbling endlessly about something... then suddenly we see a few shooting stars head towards Earth. I imagined the opening notes of ELO's "I'm Alive" and hoped we'd soon see 9 fabulous muses streaking across LA. Unfortunately all we get is a little town (which I dubbed Tatooine) that gets showered with stardust.

Meanwhile, at LAX Jim Davis (aka Jock Ewing from DALLAS) pulls up to the curb and greets his futuristically dressed family, which includes his wife Miss Ellie (played by Dorothy Malone of PEYTON PLACE because Barbara Bel Geddes was busy). We soon meet his annoying granddaughter Jenny (who I will call "Punky Brewster") who is visiting with her mom and dad. Dad's working on some top secret project, so he won't be spending as much time with the family.

The family drives out to the dessert, where we first see grandpa Jock's solar-powered Monsanto House of the Future. Then Jock gives Punky a pony. Punky shows her Holly Hobbie doll to the pony and it runs away. When Punky calls for her pony, it does not respond, instead she is drawn to a green glowing pyramid...which she begins to chat with about her pony! Then she hugs the pyramid and her pony reappears. What the fuck???

Meanwhile, inside the house, Jock, Dorothy, their daughter and teen-age son discover that the house has been ransacked! They suspect some local bikers...but are distracted by little Punky who wants to show them the glowing pyramid. Of course it's gone when Punky brings the family to see it. After they leave she discovers it's shrunk to the size of an Everlasting Gobstopper - so she picks it up and puts it in her pocket! Nice going, Punky!

When Punky goes to wash up for dinner a cracked mirror suddenly repairs itself! Then the lights and bathroom water turn on and off by themselves! This is the house of the future! Or is it haunted by the past? After Miss Ellie eats some corn, her and grandpa Jock stroll along in the night desert and notice a bright light in the distance. Before you know it, 2 donut-shaped UFOs zoom over their heads. They practically ignore it and head inside.

I have decided that this family is not fazed by anything.

After Punky uses the toilet and doesn't wash her hands, she sees smoke in her bedroom - followed by the appearance of a pixie-like Claymation alien. The alien does a little ballet for her and then the two of them disappear. Then the alien visits Grandma. She screams. What the fuck...again???

Then there's a small earthquake - and they realize that Punky is missing. Not to worry, they soon find her outside where she was "playing with her friend".
Doesn't faze anyone. Okay, this family is just plain creepy.

Then the family car won't turn off - until Punky tells it too. Punky's mom wants to leave, but Grandpa assures everyone that he'll protect them with his pistol. Punky is then visited by a robotic flying toaster oven that burns a hole in her bedroom wall. Punky's missing again (I think - she goes missing a few times), but Jock's still got his pistol.

Suddenly there is a battle of Ray Harryhausen dinosaur creatures outside the house. What the what the fuck???

Meanwhile, Punky's dad tries to buy gas and the attendant gives him a hard time. He eventually gives in and charges him 65 cents a gallon - talk about inflation!

Back at Tatooine, Jock and his teenage son let some horses out to distract the monsters - and then the monsters chase the horses. I'm totally NOT making this up. I swear. After that the sky is suddenly ablaze with a bad fireworks display that reminded me of Fantasmic! at Disneyland.

Okay, After the fireworks end, the house is surrounded by a bunch of damaged vehicles - a plane, a train, an automobile, a truck..all sorts of shit. Then I think there are more fireworks and some crazy slow-motion shots of Punky and Jock running towards each other super-imposed over the fireworks. I think Punky goes missing again, this time with her mom. What the friggin' fuck???

Meanwhile, after crashing his car, Punky's dad is strolling through a field of yellow flowers - then he comes across a horse - could it be one of Jock's?

Jock declares that they are stuck in a "time space warp" with "...strange things and strange creatures" - and some vortex may have taken Punky and her mom. Jock and Miss Ellie look up to see two suns in the sky - just like on Tatooine!

The family then naps, but is awakened by a giant sun - which makes a small green pyramid. Don't ask. Punky's mom reappears - and she's suddenly at peace with the universe. She starts spouting something that I swear sounds like Dianetics - and she tells everyone that Punky is safe - in fact she's with her dad.

Then everyone is reunited and they look into the horizon to see...Oz! Yes - a beautiful crystal city awaits them and their "new way of life"!

This one was also known as EARTH'S FINAL FURY - but i'd like to call it EARTH'S FINAL WHAT THE FUCKING FURY. 10 outta 10 "Huhs?"

THE WILD, WILD PLANET aka CRIMINALI DELLA GALASSIA

First let me say that this Italian sci-fi epic from 1965 is a production design dream come true for me. Clean, streamlined miniature sets with beautiful old school Tomorrowland-style architecture, funky futuristic furniture, mod fashions, amazing hairdos and some far-out vehicles. You name it - it's the future that I wish we were living in right now. So I highly recommend this film to anyone who is a fan of this style of design.



As for the storyline, I'll try to convey it the best I can: It's the future and Earth is ruled by evil transnational corporations (think Haliburton). Aboard a space station we meet Cmdr. Mike Halstead and biochemist Dr. Nurmi of the Chembiomed corporation (aka CBM). Nurmi and his staff have set up a laboratory on the station in order to cultivate replacement human organs for transplants. Halstead doesn't like Nurmi and his experimental organs - and isn't too thrilled that doctor is after his slutty sexpot of a girlfriend, Lt. Connie Gomez. Mad scientist Nurmi invites Connie to join him for a spontaneous holiday getaway. Connie first refuses to go, but them he gets her drunk and she's like - yeah, okay, I'll go.

We are soon treated to a crazy minimalistic dance performance. Then Halstead gets a call from Earth asking him to investigate a situation involving some strange disappearances. You see some voluptuous big-haired women and mysterious bald sunglass-wearing Zombie-men in black trenchcoats (did this look inspire THE MATRIX?) have been roaming the planet, shrinking people down to Barbie doll size!!! One such attempt goes awry when they only manage to shrink an old man down to midget-size, but only after they kill his young bratty granddaughter. They also attack a studly male gymnist who is wearing a skimpy brilliant blue leotard and they try to kidnap Halstead's apparently Asian nephew - but his non-Asian mom intercedes. Later, Halstead discovers a briefcase full of miniaturized victims, a four-armed (!) dead zombie man, and a bunch of the big-haired women. What does this all mean??? I just don't know.

When Halstead comes across a list of the victims, roads start to lead back to CBM and the wild, wild planet Delphus - where CBM conducts most of their research...and just happens to be where Nurmi took Connie for their little getaway! Once on Delphus, Halstead confronts Nurmi, who reveals his ultimate goal is to create a new master race of perfect people. Beautiful women and physically perfect men. He's doing this by kidnapping them and shrinking them down to doll size and then blowing them back up to normal size. I'm not sure what the heck this all has to do with the zombies and the replacement organs that they grow. Am I missing something here? Maybe I fell asleep and didn't know it.

It turns out his plans for Connie are even more evil - Nurmi wants to somehow "merge" himself with her to form the perfect person. Halstead and his men decide it's time to kick Nurmi's ass and all sorts of chaos ensues- ending with gallons of not-quite-gelled Jello-O bursting through the walls of the CBM complex. Complex indeed.

This movie had me asking "huh?" quite a bit - mostly because it sometimes felt I was watching more than one movie and that I was accidentally flipping channels. Everytime it seemed like something finally made sense, something strange would happen that would make me go "Huh?" again. For all that plus all the fabulous imagery, I have to give this one a big 8 outta 10. Apparently there are three sequels out there!!!

THE APPLE (A Vintage Review)

I posted this review originally on May 1, 2003 on IMBD. I just came across it today for the first time in four years and decided to republish for old time's sake. Notice how I was "over Britney" before most people. Enjoy! Be warned: there are spoilers.

In this age of putrid merchandised crap like Britney, boybands and AMERICAN IDOL, it's refreshing to see what America would have looked and sounded like in 1994 if a truly fabulous madman like Boogalow was in charge.

The look of this film is shiny and bright, it's loud and disturbing, it's sometimes hard to watch...but I'd also hard to look away. All the holographic triangles...the multi-colored hair...the "futuristic" baby strollers, drinking glasses, automobiles...this is the America that we were promised in 1980 and somehow we were sadly deprived of.

My favorite sequences are Bibi & Alphie's "rain" duet; Pandi's big "sex" number, Bibi & Pandi's "morning after" duet and of course, Mr. Topps' arrival...I just love how "god" basically tells Boogalow and the audience that the hippies were right...that peace, love and living in caves (without television) is the true road to salvation.


I like to describe this movie as LOGAN'S RUN meets HAIR, but it's more like everything good and bad about the 70s all in one big sloppy package. Speaking of packages, could George Gilmour's Alphie have any tighter pants?

I'll cast my vote for "Speed" as our new American anthem, screw "God Bless the USA"...

"Do the BIM!"