MAME

What? My first post in almost 4 years!!! To celebrate the Blu-ray release of the camp classic MAME, let's revisit my in-depth analysis, originally posted way back in 2007!
This 1974 film adaptation of the 1966 Broadway smash starts with the reading of the will of Patrick Dennis' late father, by his trustee, Mr. Babcock. We see our first glimpse of Patrick in his damn short pants as well as various photographic portraits of stodgy relatives - concluding with a soft focus photo of Auntie Mame! The will states that Patrick is to be left in the care of his aunt, Mame Dennis (Lucille Ball).

Patrick and his nanny, Agnes Gooch (Jane Connell recreating her Broadway role after Madeline Kahn was fired by Lucy) take a train ride to live with Mame.The train ride gives way to a migraine-inducing montage of an art deco MAME logo super-imposed with stock footage of sex, violence and depravity from the WB film archives. Accompanying this visual assault is the song "St. Bridgette" song by Connell.

When they arrive at Beekman Place, they walk into a big cocktail party at Mame's palatial NYC apartment. Underneath a portrait of Lucy by Gustav Klimt, Mame is doing an awkward shimmy on her baby grand piano wearing a red velvet pantsuit and a giant diamond-encrusted crucifix. Lucy then proceeds to warble out a horrorific rendition of "It's Today", thus setting the tone for many musical atrocities to follow. Then Lucy does the Charleston and young Patrick introduces himself by asking if he may slide down her bannister!

Mame announces his arrival to the crowd and then offers him a martini. We soon meet Mame's buddy, stage actress and lush, Vera Charles (deliously played by Bea Arthur, creating her stage role under the direction of her husband Gene Saks). Lucy (in a soft focus close-up) reprises "It's Today" as Patrick gets to slide up and down the long bannister!

The next morning, Patrick wakes up Mame (who sleeps in full make-up) with his bugle. After learning that "Auntie Mame is hung" she tells that she is enrolling him a very non-traditional "School Of Life." Then she gives him a pad and pencil in order for him to write down words he doesn't understand like "libido," "bastard" and "vocal coach." Vera then wakes up in Mame's bath tub and for no good reason, mean-spirited Mame turns the shower on, drenching her best friend.

Then we are treated to Lucy shrieking out "Open a New Window" as a montage shows Mame and Patrick riding a pony, going to a museum, attending a womens' rights rally, going to see a burlesque show, visiting a firehouse, parachuting, sitting on the crown of the Statue of Liberty (huh?), arriving at the clothing-optional School of Life, praying at St. Patrick's Cathedral, studying the Torah at a temple and doing the tango at a speakeasy! All seems to going well until the police arrive and it's a raid!!! Everybody gets off though because the judge is one of Mame's society pals. She is apparently very well-connected.

Mr. Babcock arrives to check on Patrick, running into vindictive Vera, who is blabbering on about Coco Chanel, and leads the trustee right to the controversial school- causing Patrick to be taken out of Mame's custody!!! At that same exact moment, Mame learns that the stock market has crashed and she's wiped out. This is not a good day to be Mame Dennis.

To make amends to Mame, Vera offers her a very small role in her new show - an extremely modern operetta about a woman astronomer. "The Man In The Moon is a Lady" (sung by Bea) climaxes with a total Lucy Ricardo moment as Mame is still backstage admiring herself in the mirror when she is supposed to be onstage delivering her one line - which she eventually flubs and causes chaos when she falls off of a crescent moon and is beaten by Vera with a telescope!! The show is a fiasco, but the audience seems to enjoy it. Mame begs Vera for her forgiveness, but Vera declares "The Man In The Moon is a Bitch" and then slaps a little old lady who is trying to help her with her costume. I wonder if Bea improvised that.

Patrick, who was in the audience, reassures Mame that she's that he still loves her by singing "My Best Girl" - Lucy responds by croaking "My Best Beau" back to him. Poor little guy. Meanwhile, back at Beekman place - the repo men are taking her piano, her artwork, etc. Mame soon gets a job working selling rollerskates in a department store, For some reason, she's wearing a nun's habit (sans veil) with a big black bow. Mame demonstrates a pair of rollerskates by for a customer named Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside the 3rd (Robert Preston). However, Mame gets herself fired because she doesn't know how to write up a cash sale. Huh? After first skating around the entire store, Mame proceeds to rollerskate all the way home.

When she gets home, Patrick is visiting and Mame decides to lift everyone's spirits by giving early Christmas gifts. The boy gets a pair damn long pants- and her servants Ito (George Chiang) and Gooch also get something. Lucy then leads the foursome in a rousing version of "We Need A Little Christmas", while they decorate Gooch up as if she was a an Xmas tree and throw fake snow at her. Lucy then dons the most horrifying Santa Claus mask ever created. Agnes and Ito surprise Mame by telling her the butcher bill has been paid up till next September! How'd they know how much meat they're gonna want all the way into the future??? Patrick then gives her a kiss "on account" whatever that means. Ewww.

Just then, Beau shows up at the front door and invites everyone to dinner!!! Christmas has come early!

Before you know it, Beau takes Mame and Patrick to to visit his peach plantation in Peckerwood, Georgia - where they meet sugary-sweet, but wicked by Sally Cato. (Joyce Van Patten). Beau's grotesque mother, a Jabba the Hut lookalike, Mother Burnside greets Patrick with a belch. Mame, newly-blonde arrives dressed as a southern belle, complete with an embarrassing accent. Sally Cato signs Mame up to ride sidesaddle in a foxhunt- riding the "mad" horse named Lightning. The following day, Lucy's stuntwoman works overtime as she rides the crazy horse, passing the other hunters, passing the dogs, passing the fox and jumping over Mother Burnside's car! Mame is thrown from the horse and catches the adorable little fox, and impresses everyone by NOT killing it. This prompts several dozens of peoplee to serenade her with the titular, rousing and bombastic theme song, "Mame".

Mame and Beau, are soon married and on world tour. Robert Preston croons "Loving You" as they slow dance on a cruise ship, in a Japanese garden, in soft focus and in front of a fountain. Meanwhile, Patrick goes through puberty, goes to college and starts dating debutantes. Bruce Davison takes over the role at this point. A ski trip to the Alps leads to an avalanche which kills Beau, leaving Mame widowed and alone again, naturally.

Mame then returns home and is reunited with Patrick, who is dating a snobby bitchy girl named Gloria Upson. A post-funeral reunion with her old friend Vera leads to the fun duet "Bosom Buddies", a song which once led a friend of mine to declare (90 minutes into the movie) that "the one on the left can't sing". It took him THAT long to notice!!!

Mame and Vera then decide to give frumpy Agnes a makeover and send her off into the world because "Life is a banquet, and most poor sons of bitches are starving to death." Six months later, Agnes returns home, pregnant - just as Mame is dining with Patrick and the dreadful Gloria. Patrick sees Agnes, who's been hiding in the kitchen, and decides be a good idea for Mame to visit the Upsons at their home in Connecticut.

What follows is my favorite sequence in the whole film, as Mame visits the Upsons (Don Porter and Audrey Christie) at their home, Upson Downs. After meeting all the various Upsons, Mame learns that Patrick and Gloria are engaged! The Upsons entertain Mame in their rumpus room (a former slave quarters) and introduce her to their black maid Bertha ("so many of them are so snotty these days"). Then they serve her appetizers made of tuna, clam juice and peanut butter. They ask Mame to help pay for a piece of property next door to so that the newlyweds could live there, as opposed to "the wrong kind of people."

They Upsons then show Mame home movies of Gloria - but Mame can't be any less interested. When Mame leaves, she confronts Patrick about her dislike of the Upsons, proclaiming him a snob (which he is) after he tells her that he's ashamed of her and her "crazy" friends. She tells him that the Upsons are bigots and he tells her to forget she ever knew him. This is where my favorite part ends, because as heartbroken Mame drives back home to NYC, Lucy butchers the beautiful ballad "If He Walked Into My Life". Where is Eydie Gorme when you need her???

Apparently Mame and Patrick have patched things up off-screen because the Upsons are now visiting Beekman Place. Patrick soon meets Mame's pretty new maid, Pegeen (Bobbie Jordan). The Upsons arrive, all pissed off because the property they'd wanted had been bought thanks to "some Jew lawyer." Then Mame serves them some baked monkey and Vera makes a grand entrance into with a quintet of nameless men wearing tuxedos singing "It's Today ". Vera then toasts to the new couple, mistaking Pegeen for Gloria. At that moment, pregnant Agnes crashes the party and is invited her to sit with everyone. Suddenly, a bus full of unwed pregnant women barge in, singing "Open A New Window" as Mame reveals to the Upsons that she bought the land next door to Upson Downs in oder to build the Beauregarde Burnside Memorial Home For Single Mothers. The Upsons have total fit, exclaiming that Mame isn't "one of them," dragging Gloria with them - just as Patrick makes eye contract with Pegeen! Hmmmm....

Flash forward, Patrick and Pegeen are now married and have a son, Peter. Mame, sporting gray hair, is off on a trip to Russia, and asks if Peter could join her. Although Patrick and Pegeen resist at first, Peter tells them off and they relent. Huh? Mame and Peter wave goodbye and board the plane. No luggage - I guess they will shop for long pants in Siberia. Music soars as the plane takes off. What follows is a montage of Mame hugging Vera, Gooch, Beau, adult Patrick and finally young Patrick! The End!

Whew! What a way to start the holiday movie season! I have to say that MAME is one of my favorite films of all time. I know Lucy's singing was atrocious, her dancing wooden, her comic timing is off at times, and at age 63 she was way too old to be playing a character in her 40s - but all I know is that when I saw MAME at Radio City Musical Hall as a child - I had a great time - and that's all that mattered.

Of course, IF Angela Lansbury was allowed to star in the film version - it may have been critically acclaimed, it might won some Oscars and might also have been a box-office hit. But that never happened. What did happen was Lucille Ball as Mame - and I relish ever minute of it. 10 outta 10  and worth every one of 'em.

LIFEGUARD

More recycled Dougsploitation.

LIFEGUARD stands out in my mind for two reasons: it was another PG-rated, but sexy film that that premiered on the CBS Wednesday Night Movie (see COACH) and it was an iconic teen-age masturbatory fantasy for gay boys everywhere. What's surprising is that this movie came from Paramount Pictures (and now on DVD from the Warner Archive Collection) - not Crown International or American International or New Line or New World. This was a real Hollywood movie...with music by the legendary Paul Williams (PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE, and that very special episode of THE ODD COUPLE where Edna Unger and her dad Felix argue over Paul's sex appeal).

As the titles roll, we meet our hero, young Sam Elliot, who even at 35 (?) seemed kinda old - but yet sexy. He's putting up a flag, and "intern" lifeguard and Scientologist Parker (HARDY BOYS and BAYWATCH) STEVENSON is helping him. Then a bunch of half-naked teen boys who all look like Carrot Top come up to them and tell them how they plan on getting laid this summer. Right.

Sam then puts on his tight rainbow tank top because his lady friend - a blonde stewardess(!!!) who looks like Sarah (REAL PEOPLE) Purcell coming over for a booty call.

PS- she is carrying the same "stew bag" that Tara B. True used in SUPERCHICK! And she gets to shows her tits and ass...in a PG movie!!! Holy shit - the MPAA would never allow this today. After the fucking, pillow talk between them turns dramatic when she tells him that he's not as good in bed as he thinks he is. He would be better if he loved her. He's like..."whatever" Back at the beach, a teenage girl who looks like a mildly-retarded Kristy McNichol needs a band-aid for her finger. So Sam helps her out. Later, while a dwarf photographer is taking snapshots, Sam and Parker talk about sex. A lot. Which is hot. Then they talk about sex with underage girls. Which is creepy.

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Then there's a boring bar scene which reveals to us that Sam is a "player". A guy that knew Sam 10 years earlier sees him at the bar and the two begin to chat. The guy - who looks like both the ABBA guys rolled into one - tells Sam that he now is a Porsche salesman, and that Sam should consider getting in the car biz.

Stalker teen, I'll call her "Tarzana" shows up again and tells Sam that she has no friends cause girls are snotty and boys are creeps. Then she splashes water on him and he chases her. He gives her a towel and they talk about marriage. Huh? Then she tells him she wants to get better at sex, and she wants him to fuck her. He thinks she's only 14, but when she says she's 17, he figures what the hell...and it does it! "Tarzana" is actually a played by a 22 year old Kathleen Quinlan!

The next day, Sam goes to visit his parents. We wish that it was Sam playing all three characters like Eddie Murphy does. Maybe in the sequel?

Back at the beach, Sam rescues some drowning kids and has to deal with a Cary Grant lookalike who is "showing his privates". We wish Sam and Parker would show each other's privates! Parker can't deal with the old guy cause he looks too much like his dad. Okay, ewww. 

"Tarzana" the Statutory Stalker shows up at Sam's apartment (She followed home!!!). Gulp. He can't make love to her because tonight's his 15 Year High School reunion - making him almost 30!!!

At the reunion, another Scientologist, Anne Archer and WONDER WOMAN's friend Etta Candy (Beatrice Colon) are there! During "Moon River," Anne shows him her kid, but what she really wants to show him is her "kid-maker".

Then there's a triathlon competition and of course "Tarzana" is cheering him on. Sam spits up water for five minutes. He must be too old for this??? A teammate jokes about it and Sam goes nuts. Speaking of nuts, the announcer has big ones. Ewww...

Before you know it Sam's teaching Anne's kid how to swim and how properly wear Groucho glasses.

He shows Anne a pamphlet of women he hasn't fucked yet, and she's in it - but not for long. It's light reading. Then they get it on. There's slo-mo closeups of various body parts. No nipples or balls, just fleshy parts. Soon she's smoking in bed. Must have been good.

The next day Sam goes to see the car dealer guy. Later, "Tarzana" shows up again and asks Sam if they are ever gonna do it again. He tells her no. And then she asks "Is it cause I'm jailbait?" No, she's cause you're crazy. Then she starts crying cause...SHE'S FUCKING CRAZY!

Later, Anne makes lasagna because her Mexican housekeeper can't be trusted with pasta. Sam comes by to tell her that he got a job as a Porsche salesman. Then a song by Paul Williams, the poor man's Elton John, serenades us as Sam drives around LA and says "goodbye" to the beach.

Only he spots someone out swimming where she shouldn't be swimming...and of course it's "Tarzana"! LET HER DROWN!!! But no, he rescues her and gives her a sailor suit to wear. Did a trick leave it behind? He tells her she's crazy. FINALLY! She tells him she LOVES him. Then he puts her in her car and sends her home. Is it really a good idea to put someone who just tried to kill herself behind the wheel of her car?

He tells Anne about Syndy when he visits her at her job (an art gallery). Anne is very supportive, but then he goes and spoils it all by doing something stupid like yelling at a potential art buyer and probably getting Anne fired from her job - or at least embarrassing the crap out of her! By the way, she looks pissed.

It's the next day, Parker's last before he heads back to college (he's gonna make something of his life - not just be a dumb lifeguard). Then the ABBA/Porsche guy comes by to see if he's gonna take the salesman job, and Sam says "no!"...besides there's a pervert hiding in the ladies room and somebody's got kick him out! It's tough out there for a lifeguard. Wonder if "Tarzana" made it home alright...

"Huh?" - 7 outta 10 - mostly cause of all the smokin' hot 70s man flesh. Oh, the guy pictured above isn't in the movie. Buy it today!

Mickey Rooney is THE MANIPULATOR

Here's a post from 2008 - in honor of the late Mr. Rooney. Ever wonder what it would be like if Sid & Marty Krofft produced Stephen King's MISERY? Well, 1971's THE MANIPULATOR (aka BJ LANG PRESENTS) is a pretty close approximation of what it might look like.It all starts innocently enough on a rainy night, when we see a dark figure in a hat and raincoat walking on a dark city street accompanied by standard 1970s TV-movie theme music followed by the opening titles "Mickey Rooney...Luana Anders...THE MANIPULATOR". A fancy old car then pulls up to a warehouse and Mickey exits sporting his YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS beard. He then gets into a freight elevator as flashes of random Fellini-like horrors begin. This is when we start to know this is no ABC Movie of the Week.

Mickey walks by what looks like a dusty animal carcass and climbs up a ladder into what looks like a Hollywood prop house. He then sits in an old leather chair, takes off his rose-tinted sunglasses and begins talking to himself as if he is various members of a film crew. Okay. He chats with a mannequin named "Wally" in a what could be a scene from ANDY HARDY HAS A COMPLETE MENTAL BREAKDOWN-decides to "put on a show!!!" Too bad Judy wasn't around to help out!

So Mickey begins to describe the upcoming scene to his imaginary "cast & crew". He calls "action!" and turns on a strobe light, imagining a pair of nude elderly actors dancing in the spotlight as he shouts the lyrics to "Chattanooga Choo Choo" at them. Then he showers the naked old folks with flowers. HUH??? The old people soon disappear, then Mickey pulls back a curtain and screams - and a real woman (Luana Anders) screams back at him. She's his "star", Carlotta - and she's hungry. In fact she asks him for food repeatedly. Turns out she's his prisoner and he has her tied to a wheelchair - and it's time for her lunch! Mickey then feeds her water from a silver chalice and baby food from a jar. Classy.

So then we learn that Carlotta has been cast as Roxanne (the Daryl Hannah role) in BJ Lang's film version of CYRANO DE BERGERAC. While Mickey is feeding her, she bites his finger and tells him that she's grateful for his kindness to her. Then he yells at some "crew members" and rolls in a huge spotlight followed by a (believe it or not) a fast-motion dance with a broomstick intercut with insert shots of a growling wild animal. Very Krofft-like. Meanwhile, Carlotta unties herself. Run like the wind, girl, run!!!

I guess she didn't run cause Mickey then shows up in drag make-up...and whispers to Charlotte about when he used to make up Marilyn's eyes. Then her gets all femme as he applies Carlotta's Roxanne make-up. This is a very disturbing scene. What would Judy say???

Mickey hears some cackling laughter in his head and is now sporting a really fake Witchie-Poo type Cyrano nose. I guess he's the director AND star of this production! Then he pushes Carlotta's wheelchair head-on into a mirror and demands that she recite her lines from the balcony scene. Then he yells at the thunder outside to be "quiet". Huh?After playing with some color gels, Mickey gives a pep talk to his imaginary background players (actually a collection of broken mannequins). Then he forces Carlotta to act out a scene - he calls "cut!!!" and breaks into another "Chattanooga Choo Choo" performance. Jesus - please make it stop!!! Then he tells her all about "fear" as he pretends to choke her. That's when I decide that ANDY HARDY MUST DIE!!!

So, Mickey calls "action!!!" again and they act out their big scene and unseen crowds roar with applause and "bravos!" Carlotta then tells him that the audience LOVES him. What follows next is the most bizarre scene in the film - We see a naked baby walking around a cocktail party where we also see the usual assortment of late 60s/early 70s "freaks" - you know - nudists, drag queens, Ruth Gordon-type old ladies, more nudists, pot-smokers, hippies, sex maniacs and others eating Saltine crackers with spinach dip and tripping out on acid. This all culminates with a giant orgy where Mickey is caressed by both women and men...and the naked baby is in the middle of it all!!! Really...I ask again...WHAT would Judy say???

While preparing for his big "duel" scene, Mickey suddenly collapses and Carlotta begs him NOT to die. Huh? She gets herself free and begins kicking the shit out of him. Why doesn't she just RUN??? Of course he manages to pin her down and kiss her! What a MANIPULATOR! Carlotta then begins running in very slow motion down a looooonnnnnggggg hallway while crazy electronic special effects music plays. Soon Mickey leaps out at her with his Cyrano sword. She decides to hide behind some sheer curtains. Smart girl, that Carlotta.

Then Mickey chases her through the mannequin display - and she attacks him with the spotlight. Carlotta then continues to run through the prop house through what looks like a combo wardrobe department and meat locker. She then crawls around the catwalk as Mickey hollers out orders to his "film crew"...and he once again breaks into song - yes, that's right - "Chattanooga Choo Choo" for the third fucking time!!! I beg of you....Please make it stop...please!!!! I will never listen to that song the same way again. Actually, I will never listen to that song again, PERIOD.

As Carlotta continues to navigate her way through the wardrobe, she suddenly stumbles upon "guest star" character actor Keenan Wynn - who Mickey stabs with his sword and kills. I guess it was just a cameo. Suddenly we're in a slaughterhouse, where a string quartet entertains both women in furs and butchers wearing bloody aprons as Carlotta dances for them all. I just can't say "huh?" anymore - I'm totally exhausted.

Mickey tells Carlotta he'll let her go if she tells him that she loves him. She doesn't - but he lets her go anyway. Okay, HUH? She then runs through the damn wardrobe again!!! She climbs down the ladder into the freight elevator...but she can't figure out how to open the door - so she just slams herself against the walls till it opens. Oh my god...I can't take much more of this.

Finally - Carlotta runs out into the rain - and locks herself in his car!!! She starts blowing the horn as Mickey pounds on the car windows - finally smashing the window with a trash can. He unlocks the door. Fade to: she's back inside with him. They kiss - and she laughs. This drives him CRAZY. I mean REALLY CRAZY. Then everyTHING around him begins to laugh. Mannequins, dead animals, boxes, jars of Vicks VapoRub, Chia Pets, etc. Then she starts yelling "No!!! No!!! No!!!" at him and he recites the final lines from CYRANO - and she actually looks at him... LOVINGLY!!!

Then he stabs himself with the sword and dies. She hears applause and takes a bow. The End. After the end credits we see Mickey's sped-up dance with the broom again. I almost expected Pufnstuf to show up and join in. The End for real.

Holy Shit! I really think Mickey thought he was gonna get an Oscar for this "brave" film role. I'm just surprised he ever worked again after it!!! This movie needs to be seen just to show how an actor's ego can lead to bad film choices. I do have to say that Luana Anders was truly compelling as Carlotta - and I look forward to seeing some of her other films. Sadly, she passed away in 1996.

The film really rates a 10 outta 10 - but only deserves 2 outta 10 because by the end you just feel so beat up, mentally drained and MANIPULATED from watching it. Wonder who that poor nude baby at the orgy grew up to be? Jimmy Osmond?

THE BEGUILED

After Clint Eastwood's puzzling appearance at the RNC the other night, here's a post from 2008 harking back to the days of a kinder, gentler, saner Clint.
Part Civil War epic, part baroque melodrama, part dirty soap opera, part gothic horror movie, part gender politics study and part Brothers Grimm fairy tale: THE BEGUILED (directed by Don Siegel) stars Clint Eastwood in his most intriguing and unusual role since he was elected mayor of Carmel, Ca.

After the requisite montage of real Civil War atrocities via sepia-tinted black and white photos...we arrive somewhere in Louisiana during the last days of the Civil War. Eastwood is John McBurney, a Yankee soldier who is near death after falling out of a tree. My guess is that he was hiding up there when he was shot.

A 12 year old girl named Amy (Pamelyn Ferdin, Edna Unger from TV's ODD COUPLE) is out picking mushrooms and discovers his severely wounded body. They talk, exchange names and cell phone numbers, and just before the girl helps him to stand, he tells her she's "old enough to kiss a man" and pulls her down beside him and gives her a long, hard kiss on the mouth. Huh??? She's confused, but happy. I'm confused and kinda grossed out. She then drags him to the mansion on a old plantation that serves as an all-girls school, where "McB" slowly regains his health under the care of sexually repressed headmistress Martha Farnsworth (Geraldine Page) and the horny girl students who live there. Sort of like when Blair first dragged Jo back to the Eastland school where sexually repressed Mrs. Garrett welcomed her with open arms.

Martha puts her skeptical slave Hallie in charge of washing him...above and below the waist! We are treated to hints of incest when Hallie dresses him in Martha's brother's shirt. Afraid of being turned over to the rebel forces, McB behaves like a polite and appreciative guest, after all he is a Quaker! As he gets healthier, he begins to charm (or beguile if you may) the love-starved students.

Soon the girls begin to vie for his affections, at first we think he's actually falling for virginal teacher Edwina (Elizabeth Hartman), but he seems to be inspiring jealousy among some of the others. This reminds me of Tatum O'Neal and Kristie McNichol both going after Matt Dillon in LITTLE DARLINGS. When one of the spurned girls tries to turn McB over to the Confederate army, Martha comes to his defense, claiming that he's her cousin from Texas. When McB tries to "thank" the headmistress for offering him a permanent residence at the school as the groundskeeper (replacing her brother) we witness a full flashback of Martha and and her lusty sibling getting it on. Donny and Marie Osmond they are not!

Following this we are then treated to Martha's wine-induced dream sequence, an eerie montage of McB frolicking with both Martha and Edwina, ending with a lesbian-tinged three-way that transforms itself into a painting of The Pieta. I swear...McB then gets to suck the nipple of one of the slutty girls - teenaged hussy Carol - leading to a an altercation with an enraged Edwina which ends with McB at the foot of the long circular staircase with a newly re-wounded leg. The battle of the sexes has begun!

SPOILERS START HERE. Martha has the girls harness him up and tie him to the dining room table- and announces that she plans to cut off his leg before it becomes infected with gangrene. What follows is some pretty brutal stuff, involving blood, knives, a saw, bloody hands, sweat, facial close-ups, more blood, blurry faces, a sweaty slave, more blood - you name it...

Clint flips out when he wakes up the next day without a leg, and he's now a prisoner rather than a welcomed guest. Amy tells McB that she loves him and he loves her back. I think she's 13 now. Somehow McB gets his hands on a gun - and now he has the upper hand...but only one leg!

After he threatens Hallie, we flashback to her being raped by Martha's brother. Charming fellow. McB then discovers the wine cellar, then he interrupts the girl's lunch with a drunken rant...and news that he has discovered love letters between Martha and her brother! When Amy tries to lighten things up, he flings her pet turtle across the room, killing it!!! Huh? After this hysteria, Martha convinces sweet, innocent Amy to put down the bloody turtle and gather up some yummy mushrooms for the evening's dinner.

At dinner, McB apologizes for his drunken behavior, leads the table in prayer and and announces his intention to marry Edwina, but it is too late...he's been poisoned by Amy's mushrooms!!! Clint realizes this and slowly gets up from the table and struggles to leave the room. Martha demands that the girls leave him be and finish their dinner. They do. He tumbles to the ground off camera and dies. Next the girls wrap up his body and carry it outside the gate to dump it. The end.

This movie is brilliant. I'm not much of an Eastwood fan, but between this and PLAY MISTY FOR ME, I gotta say - he really knew how to pick 'em back them. Great acting from Clint, Page and Hartman also set this film apart from the pack. THE BEGUILED gets a big 10 outta 10 in my book. In an odd coincidence, two of the actresses, Elizabeth Hartman and Geraldine Page, died in the same week. Hartman died on June 10, 1987 after jumping out of an 5-story window in an apparent suicide. Page died on June 13, 1987 of a heart attack. Sad.

Diller Memories...HAPPILY EVER AFTER

In the wake of the two recent SNOW WHITE feature films, here's a little gem from 2008 - reposted for your reading pleasure!From the creative geniuses at Filmation that brought us the HE-MAN/SHE-RA CHRISTMAS SPECIAL  comes HAPPILY EVER AFTER (made in 1988 - but released in 1993) an animated feature that thinks it's a sequel to Disney's 1937 classic. With voice talent like Carol Channing, Phyllis Diller, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Sally Kellerman and Tracey Ullmann - one expects to be in for a treat - or at least a camp classic. One should not have such great expectations.First off, the much-loved Dwarfs have been replaced here by a group of mismatched grotesque female trolls called (believe it or not) Dwarfelles (all idiotically named: Muddy, Sunburn, Blossom, Marina, Critterita, Moonbeam and Thunderella) and the fierce Evil Queen is replaced by her fey brother Lord Maliss (Malcolm McDowell, CALIGULA), who looks like every Scooby-Doo bad guy rolled into one. Jolly Dom DeLuise is the voice of the magic mirror, who recounts the entire plotline of SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS as this film opens. This is actually the best part.Meanwhile, cigar-smoking Scowl the Owl (voiced by Ed Asner) and a bunch of bats, rats and ogres are celebrating the death of the Evil Queen, when her shape-shifting brother arrives looking for his sister. The mirror tells him that the Queen is now dead and Snow White (Irene Cara of FAME fame) is to blame! He asks the mirror, "Who's the pretty boy she's with?" Hmmmm...Maliss (or Malice) then declares himself all fabulous and vows to "control the laws of nature and bend them to (his) will!"  Then he transforms himself into a big, blood-engorged red dragon and leaves.Scowl the Owl then begins rapping about being the "Baddest". And he's right. You have not lived until you've heard Ed Asner do hip hop. At this point I consider ejecting the dvd and using it as a coaster, but alas, it belongs to Netflix and not I. Meanwhile, because Evite doesn't exit yet, Snow White and her Prince are traveling on horseback to deliver invitations to the Dwarfs for their wedding. Maliss in his dragon form attacks them - first capturing Snow White, but the owl helps her escape. Maliss then tells the Prince that he "has something VERY special in store for him". I'll bet. ;)Snow White flees "into the woods", where the Dwarfs used to live, only they've gone "bye, bye" and their female cousins are now in charge. Each Dwarfelle (I can't believe I'm typing that word!) magically and inexplicably controls an aspect of nature - Muddy (Channing) makes earthquakes, Blossom (Gabor) grows flowers, butch lesbian Sunburn (Kellerman) controls sunlight and Thunderella (Ullman) manages the weather. They all report to Mother Nature (Diller). After we meet all the gals, Ullman warbles a horrible song that sounds like it was played on a Casio keyboard. Okay, I think I'm really done with this now, when someone I like is forced to sing a dreadful song - it's time to hit STOP.To be honest with you, the animation is so bloody awful, even worse than the usual Filmation crap , I could barely watch it. Every character seems like they were drawn in a different amateur-ish style and the unimaginative backgrounds and murky colors don't help at all. All-in-all a very feeble attempt at trying to fool audience into thinking that Snow White's story continues to unfold in this horrific way. So I FFWed. In the end, the troll women defeat the villain and Snow White and the Prince are reunited. Big surpise. They then invite all the Dwarfelles and Dwarfs to their royal wedding! And they all lived...well, you know what.If you have kids and want to punish them HAPPILY EVER AFTER is highly recommended. Otherwise, steer clear and watch any Disney original instead. FYI...Filmation also made A SNOW WHITE CHRISTMAS (though there seems to be no continuity between the two projects whatsoever).

THE KILLING KIND

Here's a mini-review from 2008 of a Curtis Harrington thriller, with a title that always brings to mind the great Shelby Lynne song from BRIDGET JONES' DIARY (see video below the review).THE KILLING KIND (1973, directed by Curtis Harrington) opens as 17-year old Terry Lambert (John Savage of HAIR) is forced to take part in a gang-rape on the beach - two years later he's released from prison and returns to the Hollywood boarding house for old ladies, run by his overly affectionate mother Thelma (Ann Sothern of THE MANITOU). The biddies think that Terry's been volunteering for the Peace Corps.Terry spends much of his time in his tighty-whities or in a floral-print Speedo, but you know Terry's not right when he kisses his mom on the lips and then strangles one of her cats while spying on new tenant Lori (Cindy Williams of LAVERNE & SHIRLEY). At the same time, Terry is being stalked by a mousy, nosy neighbor named Louise (Luana Anders of  THE MANIPULATOR) who lives with her crippled father. We soon learn that Looney Louise wants to act out her fucked-up rape fantasies with him. Terry then starts prank phone calling his rape victim Tina (Sue Bernard of FASTER PUSSYCAT, KILL KILL) - eventually driving her off the road to her death. Next he pays a visit to the woman lawyer who put him behind bars (Ruth Roman) and drowns her in her own booze. There's also particularly grisly scene involving a rat, a poolside freak-out involving his guitar and a two scenes involving Cindy Williams and drowning.What starts out fun and interesting becomes a bit boring about half-way thru. It doesn't feel like there's enough plot to sustain interest. The cast is a mixed bag. Savage is so likable, you almost forgive him for being a psycho - after all he was practically violated himself in the opening rape scene and then made to be the fall guy, as if it had been his idea. Ann Sothern is deliciously over-the-top as hot momma Thelma, and looks like she's having the time of her life. Ruth Roman is a hoot in her brief scene. Cindy Williams, on the other hand, seems uncomfortable and miscast as an aspiring model. Luana Anders is enjoyable, but her character and plotline is extraneous.

I'll give THE KILLING KIND a 7 outta 10. The dvd has a cool interview with the director, who passed away in 2007. Fans of this should check out Harrington's HOW AWFUL ABOUT ALLAN and the previously reviewed POOR PRETTY EDDIE.

SUPERCHICK

As a Friday the 13th treat, here's a post I originally ran 4 years ago...when I had time to "review" movies...

From the title and poster one would assume that SUPERCHICK was either a WONDER WOMAN parody or a white FOXY BROWN knockoff. In reality, SUPERCHICK has a lot more in common with THE HAPPY HOOKER. A few minutes into the story, we quickly learn that the "joke" of this movie is that things aren't always as they first appear. For instance, at first we see a sexy brunette stewardess...but soon she disappears into a phone booth...and emerges as a sexy blonde in a Black Canary costume. 

Unfortunately the black fishnets do not cover her bruised legs. Ouch. Next we think we are seeing drinks being poured in an elegant restaurant, but the camera pulls back to reveal: it's a bathtub in a fancy suite owned by a brain surgeon who has Thomas Gainsboro "Blue Boy" hanging over his toilet. 

So here we learn that Superchick is sleeping with him in this yellow wallpaper and shag carpeting paradise. I think he asks her to marry him, but I'm not sure since my notes are kinda sloppy tonight. She tells the good doctor - "I feel like an Avon Lady in Sun City." Huh???

From there we see Tom Jones (really Tony Young from POLICEWOMEN as Johnny) in bed with a topless woman who looks like a big-titted Barbara Barrie in her BARNEY MILLER days (actually it's porn legend Candy Samples!). 

Soon Superchick aka Tara B. True arrives in Miami in her stewardess guise. Meanwhile, Johnny puts on a sexy stripe sweater and goes to meet with the Gay Mafia who dress in red and mustard.

They look like plastic condiment dispensers. Johnny gets pissed at them and as they drive away in their fancy car he yells "Fags!" Tara next turns up on Johnny's boat wearing only a fishing net with "floats" on her tits, vagina and ass. Then we think we see skidmarks on Johnny's tighty whities as he mounts her.

This is followed by an endless montage of them doing Miami type things like running on the beach, water skiing, playing tennis, dancing, gambling and drinking. When Johnny asks her to marry him she makes up some Shakespeare quote.

Then Johnny parks in "the white zone" at the airport - and Tara's back in her stewardess uniform (we learn she works for Crown International Airlines - a clever play on the company that distributed the film). 

On the plane, she offers a drink to a rude old man and then fucks a cute marine in the airplane restroom. She arrives at LAX and is greeted by another boyfriend - this one's a rock star who looks like he possibly has Down's Syndrome. Next she's kicking ass in karate class. Huh?

At this point one of my co-viewers declares "I've got no idea what is going on!!!" The rest of us are also confused, so we decide to recount everything that has happened so far...

1) A stewardess gets into a phonebooth and changes.

2) She's brunette, and then she's blonde.

3) She's eating dinner in a bathtub discussing fine art.

4) She flew to Miami.

5) She met the Tom Jones lookalike who was fucking a cow.

6) Tom loses money on dog races and hates fags.

7) He's either a drunk or just tired from the Miami montage

8) She flew to LA to meet the Down's Syndrome guy

9) Oh, she fucked a marine on the plane

10) Oh, she quotes Shakespeare, we think.

11) She met a Chinese guy played by a Hawaiian actor.

We conclude that there is a difference between "actual plot" and "things happening". I think we're all caught up now. But nothing explains this new guy who looks like Norm McDonald playing Burt Reynolds. Then somebody in the movie (I don't remember who) says "Holy shit!" to the camera. He ain't kidding!

At this point, I decide to Google our lead actress Joyce Jillson -pwho turns out to be Joyce Jillson - celebrity astrologer. Joyce was an author of a nationally syndicated astrology column which appeared in nearly 200 newspapers including the LA Times and the NY Daily News! She also was Ronald Reagan's official psychic!!! administration! She died in 2004. Wow...Who knew?

Back to the movie - and her big white stewardess bag. Soon a black guy pays special attention to her. Next we see a woman being whipped - but it's not what you think - it's the set of a porn movie! Tensions are high, especially when the porn actress calls her male lead a "fag". Tara then gets advice from the leading lady "to get into Show Business, you gotta SHOW your BUSINESS!"

Next Tara's at a wild hippy party which looks like it's at a disco - but the camera pulls back to reveal - it's somebody's house! Here she and the black dude, let's call him "Jimi Hendrix", finally hook up as he offers her a joint. (There's even a Hendrix poster on the wall behind them) So then they have a deep moment as she sips a Tab from a straw. 

Things get out of hand when the "heat freaks" (aka "cops") show up and bust everyone, but Tara changes back into her stewardess get-up and escapes. Then she gets "flashed". I think.

So, the rock star guy is playing the piano badly, then they fuck inside of it. NOT on top of it, but INSIDE of it, which must hurt. Downs guy wants to marry her too! EVERYBODY wants to marry Tara! Then she rants over Bolero type music and they fuck more.

Next we meet old John Carradine, who is dressed as a Russian Czar. 

There's fight that involves him and his stunt double, but we can't figure out what it's all about. Then the Gay mafia shows up again on a plane and there's a little boy who also possibly has Down's Syndrome just starring at the camera. What is going on here???

Okay, Tara gets off the plane and it's SO WINDY that her tits pop out of her uniform! Suddenly all three boyfriends are there and she tells them she can't marry them - because she loves them ALL! "Life is made up of people, not ONE person". Oh - so that's what this movie was about all along...now I get it. Wow...I love Superchick too.

But why is she called SUPERCHICK? She doesn't have any powers or fight crime...she just fucks a lot of guys. Super.

9 outta 10 - mostly for the AMAZING soundtrack and fabulous outfits.

THE MANITOU

Here's a treat that I originally posted back in spring 2008.

THE MANITOU (1978), based on the novel by Graham Masterton, is your basic 1970s medical drama with horror elements, sort of like MARCUS WELBY, M.D. meets THE NIGHT GALLERY. It 's also cinematic tour of the entire San Francisco Bay Area! It concerns a pretty, single cable car-riding city gal named Karen (played by Susan Strasberg, daughter of acting guru Lee) who discovers a strange unexplainable growth on her upper back. After 3 days, her doctors decide it's a quickly growing tumor and decide to operate.

Luckily Karen had a muumuu-wearing phoney fortune teller friend named Harry (played by Tony Curtis who was clearly channelling Paul Lynde because he's playing the gayest banger-of-Susan-Strasberg ever), who after several attempts at giving her a "good" tarot card-reading decides that this growth may be worrisome. Later, an elderly client of Harry's becomes possessed and begins to mumble in strange languages after he deals her the "death" card - and then the old woman levitates and floats down the hallway, killing herself by falling down a flight of stairs, taking the entire wooden railing with her, section by section. This is the best scene in the film.















Meanwhile, at the Sisters of Jerusalem Hospital, Dr. Hughes attempts to remove her growth - but the surgery is called short when something forces him to cut his own hand with a scalpel. When Harry goes to visit Dr. Hughes in his futuristic office (he has a NASA-sized computer...and a red "bat-phone"!), he discovers that her growth might actually be a fetus(!) growing on the back of her neck. How did it get there? I guess maybe all that oral sex she's been having could be to blame?

Harry then decides to seek help from another psychic, so he travels down to Fisherman's Wharf to meet Amelia Crusoe (played by the usually slutty Stella Stevens - apparently in some sort of Gypsy makeup, and bordering on blackface) and her fat, bearded husband. They invite a fat, VERY fat Ann Sothern over for a séance and things only get weirder, as chandeliers start to twirl and a creepy rubber head rises out of a the center of table - and it all ends with a bolt of lightning!

Back at the hospital, Karen`s tumor continues to grow at an alarming rate, causing Harry and company to trek even further North, over the Golden Gate bridge to Sausalito - where cantankerous Dr. Snow (Burgess Meredith, aka The Penguin) resides. Snow takes the crew into his dusty attic to show them his spiderweb collection. Here The Penguin tells Harry that he thinks Karen's problem is that she has a 400 year old Native American medicine man growing on her back - and he wants revenge!!! Better get Commishoner Gordon on that bat-phone, Dr. Hughes.

Next, Harry travels all the way to South Dakota - wearing what looks like bare-ass jeans - to find John Singing Rock (played by Barbara Eden's ex-husband Michael Ansara), one of the last remaining indian medicine men, who as it turns out, has the power to send the Indian Spirit back to where he came. But will the tumor man take over Karen completely before Rock can send him back to demon land?

So Harry and Rock head back to the Bay Area where Rock sizes up the situation. He unwraps his bag of tricks and decides to induce birth. Before you know it, Karen goes into labor, soon giving back birth to a naked brown-skinned dwarf with an Alanis Morrissette face and a buff gym body (played Felix Silla from BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY) named Misquamacas or Miss Kwamacas.

The demon dwarf manages to kill an intern and break the mystic protective circle around the bed that Rock has made, and scares everybody by turning into a ridiculous-looking double exposed lizard. Then he goes all Mister Freeze and manages to create a wicked Winter Wonderland inside the hospital - even freezing the recptionist/nurse solid. So solid, that her pretty little head just snaps off. Miss Kwamacas then brings the dead orderly back to life to use as a weapon - to battle his lookalike!

In a big finale that has to be seen to be believed -Karen's hospital room then is transported into space! Karen sits up in bed wearing a giant Dottie West wig, topless (you can practically hear her dad Lee turning over in his grave!) and blasting lightning bolts and shooting electricity from her fingertips. For like 8 minutes. While Harry and the Rock duck and cover from the blasts. Over and over again. For the aforementioned 8 minutes.

Somehow the combination of Dr. Hughes and the Rock decide that Miss Kwamacas can only be defeated by turning on every computer in the hospital at the same time - causing a power surge and freeing Karen from his grasp. And it works! But not before Dr. Hughes explodes. Yes, he explodes. Much like your brain if you try to figure out this plot - which it turns out is based, not only on a novel, but also on a true story. Huh???









































From the same director of ABBY, William Girdler, who tragically died after completing this film. Imagine the great films he would have made!!! THE MANITOU gets a 7 outta 10 on the "Huh?" scale.