COACH

Not to confused with the dreadful ABC sitcom of the 90s, COACH (1978, directed by Bud Townsend) is a dreadful PG-rated sexploitation film from my childhood. I remember watching (a surely edited-for-TV version of) it on the CBS Wednesday Night Movie and then talking with my Catholic school friends the next day about how great it was. THAT'S INCREDIBLE's perky Scientologist icon Cathy Lee Crosby stars as Olympic track & field champion Randy Rawlings, who leaves her job as an instructor in a 1970s equivalent to "Curves" to coach a boys basketball team at a private high school. Why not?

The movie opens with a soundless montage of Cathy running track, until she bursts through the finish line and steps up to receive her Gold Medal as The Star-Spangled Banner plays. (It's public domain, so no royalty fees like that pesky Olympic music). Meanwhile, in the sleepy town of Granger, Keenan Wynn (or was it Denver Pyle? - I always get those crazy old coots mixed up!) is perplexed by his grandson's high school basketball team and their perpetual losing streak. So Keenan gets the schlep-y, non-athletic looking coach fired and selects his replacement through some amazing futuristic "computer" program. The computer determines that the Olympic track star Randy Rawlings has just the right qualifications. When Randy arrives, Western Union telegram in hand, everyone discovers that this star athlete is a woman!!! Not only that but, a sexy, liberated, blonde woman who doesn't own a bra!  Prevented from firing her due to certain newly-passed anti-discrimination laws, Randy is given a chance to turn the teen-age losers into winners. But her job hinges on delivering a perfect season. If the team loses even one game, shes out on her sexy tight ass! Keenan later instructs his grandson to give her nothing but trouble.

Well, the boys (well, I'll call them "boys" despite that the actors look to be about mostly in 25-35 years old range) at Moose Knuckle High (according to our friend John W., a "Moose Knuckle" is the male equivalent of "Camel Toe"), don't take to kindly to having a woman coach, and they berate her with sexist remarks and gestures. She's the CTLF ("Coach They'd Like to Fuck"), but they don't want her telling them what to do. Always a pro, our Randy ignores their shenanigans and tells them she's there to kick some ass. She's even wearing an outfit that looks like her WONDER WOMAN costume from the aborted 1974 TV-movie pilot.

The team is a bunch of freak and geeks who don't have a clue how to win. There's the bookish nerd with glasses, the lanky scarecrow, the black guy, the albino with a receding hairline, the mildly-retarded rich kid and of course the school stud, Jack (future TERMINATOR star Michael Biehn), her star player and future sex partner. She earns the boys' respect by walking in on them while they are all naked in the shower and turning off the hot water, and forcing them stay under ice cold water for a minute. She learned this from her former coach, Alberto Gonzalez. 

Then she proceeds  to "coach" them by bringing in her superstar NBA buddy (or drug dealer) to teach the guys some professional moves. Before you know it, the team is playing better and Jack is playing WITH Randy's boobs! Never mind that's he's supposed to be like 17 and she's at least 35...and the fact that she's abusing her role as an adult in charge of  "kids" by having sex with one of them. This issue never even comes up, as she and Jack fall in love through a series of montage images set to cheesy 70s music. Soon the rest of the boys grow to like Randy. Why they even let her join them in the "Hey Lahdy Lahdy" sing-along on the team bus. Awwww...

Meanwhile, there's an embarrassing and tedious subplot involving hypnosis, and how the boys are able to help get their gawky teammate to get better grades and play better ball whenever he hears the word "Jabberwocky". When Randy finds out about it, she tells the boys that if he can play like a pro under hypnosis, he can do it without it! But later when the team is losing a big game, she leads the entire gymnasium in chanting "Jabberwocky" so they can win. So basically, she sends the message that's it's okay to cheat. Great coach, what's next, steroids?
For a PG-rated film, we see plenty of flesh, including at least 4 pairs of females nipples (when co-eds flash the boys at a dull house party), a bunch of naked male butts (during the shower torture-scene) and lots of moose knuckles in satin shorts and tight jeans. I give this one 6 "Huhs?" just for it's spunkiness. It's basically an ABC Afterschool Special about statutory rape, without the drama, moral judgement and legal repercussions. In other words, it's just good, clean fun for an cougar to bed one of her students!  This makes me wants to revisit LIFEGUARD starring Sam Elliot, another sexy  CBS Wednesday Night Movie classic.

ROBO VAMPIRE

With Doug busy promoting his film SOCKET, we have recruited Danny to fill in with one of his outrageous reviews. Take it away Danny...

Okay, this will not be easy.  Usually I pick movies that I think will be delightfully bad, but at least understandable.  For the first time ever, no one understood our first feature, ROBO VAMPIRE (1988, directed by Joe Livingstone).
It starts with a goofy guy loading heroin into coffins, because the drug guys are using vampires as drug mules, right.  Okay, so the vampires won't wake up as long as they have the magic post-it on them.  Even so, a couple of the vampires get all uppity and escape from their coffins (we later discover that it's not heroin, but rice powder!  That's why the vamps got upset.)  They attack the goofy guy, who suddenly gets help from a wizardy/priesty guy. Truly it was really creepy the way the vampires BOUNCED toward their prey!
Can you imagine this bouncing toward you???  CREEPY!
 
..and it would appear that the head vampire was a big Ernie Kovacs fan cause he wears a gorilla mask like the one Ernie did for the classic Nairobi Trio sketch, you know the one...    

Anyway, it would seem that the Ernie Kovacs vampire is going to be put away until the arrival of the witch lady, who comes and shoots toilet paper at the wizard and she's all up in arms that her lover, Peter, is now the Kovacs Vampire and if the Wizard wants to live he has to marry them. Got it?
 
Okay, so the drug guys are are escorting the drugs about when they are suddenly ambushed by the NARCs led by Tom.  Well, Tom weren't expecting no vampires what go "BOING" and he gets his throat ripped out by Kovacs.
 
Then we meet the other Narcs and they say stuff like (Actual dialogue): “Now that Tom is dead, I want to use his body to create an android-like robot. I'd appreciate you approving my application.” 
"O'tay, Spanky, Amplication approofed!"... (Not actual dialogue, but exactly how it played...)
 
So they take downed anti-drug officer Tom and hook him up to the life support machine
I'm not sure exactly how it works, but I think if the minus sign flashes more than the plus sign, then it's bad... and vice versa.  Anyway, they put a car battery in him and make him an android-like robot... and don't let that poster art work up top fool you... he didn't look that much like Paul Fairyoven's ROBOCOP.  He actually looked like this...Maybe it's just me, but I think he'd compliment a futuristic sofa quite nicely.

Anyway, Robo-Tom goes around blowing things up good.  And then the wizard/priesty guy unleashes his bouncy vamps and they battle bot.

He defeats the bouncy vamps, but then Wizardy/Priesty guy pulls out a rocket launcher and blows up Robo-Tom good.  So, they hook Robo-Tom up to the life support machine.    There's more plus signs than minus flashes so he's going to be okay, cause it turns out t'was only a flesh wound... kidding, the movie says it was just a short circuit.  And now that he's all better, Robo-Tom goes to White Witch Lady & Kovacs Vamp's wedding where every one fights with everyone and there's boing, boing, boing, and flying toilet paper abound!  Robo-Tom pulls out a convenient flame thrower and burns Kovacs Vamp and all the boingy vamps. Then it ends.  Honestly, we couldn't figure out what was going on, who was who or what was what.  It seemed like 7-year-olds wrote the script going, "..and then this happens..."   I commend the film makers for taking the time to blow things up good, including one of the main characters. Unfortunately I give this movie more minus signs than plus signs.

DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!

Great title. Great poster. Don't bother. 1 out of 10.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

It's rare that I review a recent film, but I KNOW WHO KILLED ME (2007, directed by Chris Sivertson) is so deliciously awful that I just could not resist. The film opens with a decidedly unsexy stripper doing a pole dance, when suddenly her hand starts bleeding all over the damn pole. Ugh...not again! Of course the stripper turns out to be played by that adorable headline grabbing, former ANOTHER WORLD actress and Disney child star Lindsay Lohan!

It appears that the town from TV's FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (The show we all WISH we watched) is being terrorized by someone who has been abducting and torturing high school (or is it college?) girls and doing disturbing things to their hands and legs. This town of New Salem (a DAYS OF OUR LIVES reference?) is the bluest place on Earth. Everything is color-corrected to be this bright, brilliant blue, causing me to to retitle this epic I KNOW WHO BLUE ME.

Soon we meet Aubrey Fleming, Lindsay's (other?) character, who is smart (she wears glasses) and apparently very talented. She plays the piano - but wants to give it up to concentrate on writing. Her piano teacher thinks this is a bad idea. Music good. Words bad. Oh yeah, the teacher wears a big BLUE ring and Lindsay has a hairless pussy. Cat. Hairless pussy cat. She's pretty much a perfect student and daughter. There's a stalker-ish blonde boyfriend named Jerrod who "loves" her and then there's the Fleming's hunky gardener who wants to screw her - but she's a good girl. Aubrey is good. Lindsay is bad.

After Jerrod the teen gives her a BLUE rose and the BLUE team wins the football game, Aubrey suddenly vanishes - into the blue! Local sheriff Santa Claus is clueless. Soon the FBI is on the case - and we know this because they all wear BLUE shirts, jackets and vests that say "FBI" in big, bold, yellow letters! The task force is led by a Beau Bridges look-a-like and a black supermodel with a botoxed forehead and drawn-on eyebrows. Between Santa, Beau and Tyra - this case is gonna be cracked wide open - I just know it!

Later a woman who also looks like Lindsay is forced off the road (by a hairless cat?) and discovers something on the side of the road. It's Lindsay! Oh my god! At the hospital, she wakes up missing one hand & half a leg. So much for that piano playing career, but at least she can still write. When Lindsay can finally communicate, she reveals herself to be "Dakota Moss" - a filthy stripper and NOT the angelic, perfect Aubrey Fleming. Everyone thinks she's making this up, and within days, Crabman from MY NAME IS EARL fits her with a Bionic hand and Heather Mills leg.

Days later, still insisting that she's Dakota, she is welcomed into the Fleming household. She seems to hate all Aubrey's BLUE things, and mostly her hairless pussy. This upsets mom (played by older Lindsay lookalike Julia Ormond, hiding her British or French accent), who just wants her daughter to love her and all the BLUE stuff. What Dakota does love is fucking, and she proves it when Aubrey's boyfriend Jerrod comes by to inspect her bionic parts. At first the FBI doesn't trust him cause he drives a yellow car, but then when they see he's wearing a BLUE pullover, it's okay. Any way, after they screw, Dakota tells him about her crack-whore mother who left her $11 before she died and an envelope with the return address "New Salem". She then tells him how she started spontaneously bleeding one night during her act (we see her and her body double in various states of bumping and grinding) and how her finger fell off, turned BLUE and she tried to sew it back on. Then some cute guy on the BLUE bus gave her free medical advice. Huh???

Meanwhile, the Dept. of Homeland Security finds one of Aubrey’s stories on her laptop, and it's about a stripper named...yes, you guessed it... Dakota! After escaping from the Fleming house, Dakota visits the parents of another murder victim, Jennifer Toland. She then begins to suspect that maybe she and Aubrey were identical twin sisters! Oh my god - it's THE PARENT TRAP all over again!

Back at the Flemings, Euro-mom shows Dakota a video of her ultrasound that she just happen to have hanging around -proving that there was only one baby inside of her! This forces Dakota to made a giant leap and confront Aubrey's father - accusing him of replacing his wife's dead BLUE baby with one of the newborn twins from some crackhead giving birth down the hall. The envelope that came from New Salem was from him - he's been paying off crack lady for years!

After doing a little web surfing, Dakota learns all about "twin stigmata" - so THAT'S why her fingers have been falling off! Next we get to watch a weird little YouTube video hosted by a Leonard Nimoy lookalike that explains it all. After visiting the grave of Jennifer Toland, Dakota finds a BLUE ribbon from a piano competition, with a hand-written message from the creepy BLUE-ring wearing piano teacher!

SPOILER ALERT!!! Dakota goes all Nancy Drew and figures out that the teacher murders his students who don't want to play anymore! So, Dakota enlists Aubrey's dad to help her confront the killer.They arrive at his house, with it's BLUE stained-glass door and collection of BLUE glass knives and trinkets. Dad gets killed almost instantly, and it's up to My Little Stripper to fight off the evil piano teacher.
So she cuts off HIS hand and finishes him off. Afterwards, Dakota finds Aubrey buried ALIVE - in a BLUE, stained-glass coffin(!!!) and frees her. It all ends with the two lying together on the ground, holding each other...shouldn't Aubrey get some food or drink...or medical attention???

So were there really two Lindsays? Was just Dakota a character in one of Aubrey's stories?
Was Aubrey a person that Dakota made up? Was the piano teacher REALLY the killer...or was it gardener...or the dad...or Santa Claus? Either way, this movie totally BLUE. I just have to ask what kind of stripper is Dakota anyhow? She never even takes off her top...or bottom! We've seen more of Lindsay's Lohan on TMZ than in this flick.

On a final note, I wonder if the filmmakers set out to make a David Lynch homage? With teen girl murders in small town America, identical twins, missing fingers, BLUE things - I can see traces of both BLUE VELVET and TWIN PEAKS. If that was the case, I think they failed miserably. But if they just wanted to make a movie that makes you say "huh?," I KNOW WHO KILLED ME rates a big BLUE 10 outta 10.

EVIL EYE

Sometimes a movie makes no sense whatsoever, but still is a hoot to watch. EVIL EYE aka MALOCCHIO (1974) is one of those films. Maybe something got lost in the translation, but this Italian/Spanish/Mexican concoction feels like three or four different movies edited together by a tagteam consisting of Stevie Wonder, Marlee Matlin and Corky from LIFE GOES ON.
It starts with movie #1 - a horror film- as a woman wearing a cape performs what looks like tai chi while robed figures are placing candles around a triangle. Then a guy wearing a red satin KKK hood & robe steps into the triangle and we see a photo of a very good-looking man. Cut to a freaky looking guy with colored contact lenses and the same good-looking guy dreaming that he is being hunted by a gaggle of totally nude people, who stand over him and groan, before breaking into one of those PBS modern dance specials from the 1970s.

Next is movie #2 - a breezy European sex comedy - a poorly dubbed woman named Talia is lounging on a waterbed in a room with a lamp that looks like a giant lightbulb. Her pet poodle is jumping all over the bed as if it really has to go for a walk. Talia is on the telephone, calling a man named Peter (the Mexican hunk Jorge Rivera). He is awakened by her call, only to find dozens of half-naked people sleeping all over his groovy house. It's like a scene from BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS. Annoyed by Talia's phonecall and his houseguests, Peter tells his butler Walter to "get rid of the bodies". Walter proceeds to blast a trippy disco LP to wake up the unwelcome guests. Peter then finds a sexy naked guy in his shower, and he turns out to be his British best friend Robbie. The two lounge on a big fluffy pink couch and chat - but Robbie dismisses Peter's disturbing dream. A kicky bossa nova melody accompanies Peter as he drives around Rome and into a fashion show where Talia is waiting for him. She tries to get it on with him, but he's too tired from driving around Rome listening to music. Meanwhile, Robbie is losing his shirt in a casino. He obviously has a gambling problem. Why do we need to know this?

Next we meet a French woman named Yvonne just couldn't sleep - she has got to speak to Peter. So she goes to see him. He pours himself a good stiff drink as she begs for his forgiveness. She says that her husband has been dead for a while and she's ready for Peter, even though she's heard about him being dangerous. Huh? Peter starts to feel her up, but suddenly he gets a flashback of the freaky guy from movie #1. Then Peter turns around and there's a thunderstorm! Lightning strikes, statues move, artwork falls off the walls, her eyes get all fucked up looking and he stares back at her with HIS evil eye...and strangles her!!! Then he wakes up in a short yellow robe, flashes back to the killing - but his house has been restored to the way it was before. Who could have done that? Meanwhile, Walter the butler is washing the car.

Movie #3 - a medical mystery movie - begins when we meet Doctors Stone and Turner. Stone is an old crusty guy and Turner is a hot young female. Peter tells the docs that it's as if he's awake and dreaming at the same time. Meanwhile, a detective who's name we never get (we'll call him McColumbo) discovers that Yvonne has been found dead - but her jewelry and money was not taken. Next is a truly disgusting scene where Peter and Talia shower together and brush their and each other's teeth at the same time - French kissing with mouths full of toothpaste while game show music plays on the soundtrack. Gross! Then Peter gets a crank phone call and tells Talia that he needs to get away for a while.

Movie #4 - a gothic ghost story - kicks in as Peter is driving down a long, dark, winding road when his car breaks down. Did I mention he is wearing a tie-dyed denim pantsuit? He arrives at a mysterious house where he is greeted by an old woman. It turns out that the master and mistress of the manor KNOW him. Of course their phone line is dead, so he'll have to stay with them a while. While the husband attempts to fix Peter's car, the wife turns down the lights and proceeds to fix Peter's penis. But then Peter notices a portrait on the wall and asks the wife who it is. She tells him that it's her husband's late aunt - the woman who answered the door!!! Then he strangles her...and her husband as the old woman watches and smiles. Okay, NOW this is getting creepy.

Back in movie #3, Dr. Stone comes to see Peter and thinks he's hiding something - so he demands a full physical examination. Meaning, naked. He puts him on tanning bed and x-rays his head. He tells Dr. Turner that Peter is clinically perfect, but somehow unbalanced. He needs rest. Then Talia comes to see him , and has a bitchy confrontation with Dr. Turner, all while sunny, romantic music plays in the background. Meanwhile, the most annoying ambulance you've ever heard speeds by. We see a little dog tied up in the woods, and nearby they discover the decaying body of the old woman from movie #4. Ewwwww...

McColumbo's Joan Collins lookalike wife tries to paint a portrait of him as he tells her about the recent murders. She thinks evil spirits are responsible. Whatever. Soon Dr. Turner finds Peter waiting for her - smoking cigarettes in a hospital room. Nice. He tells her that he's written a prescription for himself - dinner with her. And then the cigarettes begin to move by themselves in the ashtray. Huh???

So Peter and Dr. Turner have a romantic dinner as he continues to sport his very tight tie-died denim jeans. Then they slow dance in the moonlight...leading to fornication in hot red lighting while the cigarettes dance and fly out of the ashtray. Peter sneaks back into the clinic in the morning and a nurse hands him a letter. Then he dreams about the naked groaning people again - this time they are trying to touch him. He wakes up slightly upset. (see photo).

Peter tells Dr. Stone that there are people who are killers, but they don't have hands - so they are using him to kill. He asks to be locked up. So he is locked up - wearing incredibly tight beige polyester slacks. Suddenly he goes all CARRIE - as everything in the hospital is thrown around. Confusion ensues.

Back to movie #2 - a naked pool party/orgy is going on, but a sudden downpour moves the festivities indoors. Peter shows up at the house (I guess he escaped from the hospital) to have a talk with Robbie. It seems that since we last saw Robbie, he has inherited money and a house. Good for him! But Peter claims that Robbie killed someone to get his newfound fortune. He says the victim told him. So I guess Peter can talk to dead people??? Then Robbie's dead too. Oh well.

In a scene that makes no sense whatsoever, Peter is walking home and a truck drives past him. Suddenly a rock flies up from the street and shatters a nearby window. HUH??? Meanwhile, McColumbo grills the orgy goers lightly about Robbie's death - and then immediately tells them all to leave. Peter continues to walk through the streets of Rome as pretty piano music plays. He finally returns home to find Walter in bed with a haggish woman! Walter knows all about the the murders - he's been covering up for Peter and is now blackmailing him!!! The plot really thickens. I think.

Peter shows up all unshaven and sexy at Dr. Turner's - and she's convinced he's innocent. She tells Dr. Stone that Walter may be behind Peter's problems, and she is going to take him under her care. Walter and his hag are waiting for Peter to return - with blackmail money. The hag thinks Peter is gonna kill them, so she tries to get away. Walter then smashes her over the head with a liquor bottle, and reports her death to the police as "another murder". Looks like butler did it!!!

Dr. Turner brings Peter to her family's secluded cabin in the woods. Is this movie #5? A sexy Spanish telenovela? He lights a fire as she fixes dinner, and they talk about Dr. Stone and the fact that had an affair with Peter's mother. Could Dr. Stone be Peter's father? Maybe...maybe not.

McColumbo shows up at Peter's house only to find the hag dead on the floor while Walter is spitting up frogs in the next room. Yes. Spitting up frogs. Then a gun falls off a shelf and shoots and kills Walter. Huh???

Peter once again is sleeping restlessly, dreaming about nudists. Dr. Turner wakes him up and tells him the nightmares are NOT real. But she is...and the soapy music soars. Oh yeah, McColumbo tries to make a phone call, but something has been effecting his hearing. Oh - and there's a subplot about a piece of jewelry that I've forgotten about too...not sure if it's an earring or a keychain.

So then Peter (dreams that he?) sees Dr. Turner beheaded on a train track. Okay.

So, McColumbo spots two guys beating up a woman near a construction site - and he goes to help her. Only a crane full of cinderblocks is hanging overhead. He rolls the woman over and she is a smiling ghoul - just then the cinderblocks begin to fall towards him. He rolls out of the way just in time - but she is crushed! When he goes to inspect her dead body, he finds nothing but the gem!!!

Back in the cabin, Dr. Turner plays a record for Peter ("Tom Jones or Beethoven?"). While back in Rome, McColumbo confronts Dr. Stone. He asks him, "Who are you? What do you want?" Peter gets pissy with Doc Turner, tells her he doesn't want to be her guinea pig. Then they pop pills together and the romantic music soars! After sex, Doc Turner asks Peter for a cigarette - so he goes upstairs to get them - but the door locks behind him. He throws a chair and kicks at the door, but it's no use. Downstairs, an image of the ghoul woman appears and causes the record player to freak out, forcing an LP to fly across the room and floor tiles to begin to move.

McColumbo races towards the house , but his car breaks down. Of course! Somehow Peter and Dr. Turner have managed to escape the cabin and head towards "the light" in her light blue VW. Only the road has plenty of blind curves and Herbie goes flying off a cliff. What???

THEN...we hear a voice say "Let's go back" and we see Peter waking up again just like the beginning of movie #2. Holy shit!
I mean, really -Holy shit! What did this all mean? Was it all a dream? What about the gem? What's the deal with Dr. Stone? Talia? Her poodle? The red-hooded guy at the beginning? Were they witches? Satanists? Vampires? Aliens? Scientologists? It just doesn't add up...or matter much cause every minute of EVIL EYE was amazing and craptastic! 9 outta 10.

THE HAPPY HOOKER

Since it's Feb. 14th and my other half is out of town, I decided to give myself a special Valentine's Day treat. What's more romantic than Lynn Redgrave as THE HAPPY HOOKER (1975, directed by Nicholas Sgarro)? After GEORGY GIRL, but before HOUSE CALLS the TV series, Lynn decided to star in the first of three theatrical films based on the book by real-life hooker Xaviera Hollander. Interestingly, while her sister Vanessa was appearing in high-profile films like MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS and JULIA, Lynn was playing the world's most famous madame. Wonder if they had the same agent?

The dvd starts off promising with a 20th Century Fox logo, followed by a MGM logo (MGM makes great movies, right?) but then the dreaded Cannon Group logo appears and we know we are in for some good, trashy fun. It starts off with a bang as the title theme song "Put Yourself in My Hands" is sung by Mary Olga and goes like this:
"I can make you happy
I can turn you on
Bring me all your troubles
Soon they'll be gone
Put yourself in my hands baby
Whatever you want me to do...I'll do
Put yourself in my hands baby
I'll know how to handle you"

It's Christmastime at the police station and all the hookers are there including April Jones, May Smith and Aurora Goldberg they all give their address as 328 West 80th, except a weepy housewife from White Plains - and presenting Miss Xaviera Hollander!

Flashback to the origin of The Happy Hooker - several years earlier she arrives in America from Holland, fresh-faced and ready to get married...only she's left waiting at the airport. She tells us in voiceover that she "was just a girl who crossed the ocean for a man". When the man (named Carl Gordon) finally arrives, he's gross and rude. He even makes her carry the heavy luggage.

Then they have sloppy sex while his mother bangs on the wall of the apartment next door. She serves him tiger's milk and yeast as he admires his ugly self in the mirror. He's also on an all-meat diet. What does young X see in this freak? Okay - his apartment is fabulous with a great view. Carl's mom arrives soon to make the bed and see how long X plans on staying....she tells Mrs Gordon that she's Carl's fiancee. Mrs. Gordon is decidedly non-plussed.

Later, at dinner, we learn that Carl calls his mom by her first name, Cheryl. Carl's dad falls asleep at the dinner table and Cheryl is mean to her maid Rosita...and starts insulting X about her weight. GEORGY GIRL flashback? Rosita tries to serve a raw steak to Carl, while Cheryl continues to insult X about everything including the fact that she's from Holland - Carl decides to stay with mother as X marches out the door in a huff. So much for love and marriage.

Back in the present X gets to meet the little ladies of the night in the holding cell. Back to the past, X gets her first apartment and is shown around by a rough young blonde who dresses like the Brawny lumberjack who tries to rape her when she offers him a drink. Men are pigs!

Soon X hits the single bars scene where she meets "every Tom, Dick and Harry with a pleasant face and tolerable manner". One her tricks has spent the night. He's dressed like a lawn jockey. Huh?

Next there's another scene at the city jail where all the tough, sassy black hookers start to harass X as funky soul music plays in the background. Another flashback shows X working at the Dutch consulate - and is trying to type something, but obviously her fingers are meant for other activities. A rich French guy asks her to translate a letter from Dutch for him. "It might as well be Chinese!" If only. I think Frenchie invites X to dinner or something, cause soon they are walking through Central Park and she's dressed like a Pierrot - a French clown! Maybe Frenchie has a clown fetish, because before you know it they are post-coital and embarking on a cruise on his yacht. On the boat we meet Frenchie's snobby, bitchy rich friends - this is starting to remind me of THE LAST OF SHEILA. Wonder who'll get murdered?

Soon X is getting a foot massage from Frenchie and one of his lady friends - Madelaine. After a few days of getting gifts and treats from Prince Frenchie Charming, he gives her an envelope of cash for the pleasure she's given him. "You make me feel like a whore!" and she slaps him. He tells her that she deserves to be spoiled by men. And so, Frenchie gives her number to his friends and she makes the transition "from office girl to working girl".

Tom Poston plays an executive who orders her to get on a boardroom table and strip for him and two other guys as he places money on the table from a suitcase. X is wearing black lace bar and panties with garter belts and fishnet stockings. Her long, stringy hair reminds me of the Sea Hag from Popeye cartoons. He stops her right before she's about to moon him. Then she gives him a stock market report full of double entendres as she slowly puts her clothes back on. He likes this. It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

X rides her bike around the city in various silly outfits. She keeps all her hooker earnings in a cookie jar. A Rutger Hauer-ish looking cop comes to visit her. He inspects her apartment without a search warrant, commenting on her collection of booze and looking for pot. He's on to her hooking ways...and then HE tries to rape her!!! Cops are pigs! Well, men cops, anyway.

Next she dresses real hooker-ish with frosted pink lipstick and fake mole to attend a Park Avenue cocktail party where everyone is dressed in fashion atrocities of the 1970s including one call girl in a macrame dress and another one wearing dozens of pearl necklaces. Not to be outdone, the hostess, Madame Madelaine (played fabulously by the amazingly named Lovelady Powell) dons a stunning sky-blue caftan. We next witness a redhead (the late, great Broadway legend Anita Morris) being made into a human banana split. Madelaine gives X some sage advice: "You don't dress like a hooker in whorehouse!" Best line so far.

A racist Southern whore (Anita Morris- again?) refuses to do a three-way with a client and a black whore, so X decides to do a slow seductive dance with Aurora to show that she's not prejudiced against blacks nor lesbians (as the sexy song called "One to One" plays). Next X dons a CABARET wig for a hairy client named Harry who dresses in leather, and calls his wife on the phone as X and his German Shepherd bark in the background. A true success, X decides to set out on her own, taking some of Madeline's girls with her and the clients followed. She rides her bike in her fur and leads the hookers in a daily jog. She must be successful, cause she's so eccentric!

Back in the present - the black hookers yell thing like "bet you ain't got no black ass turning tricks in your high-class fucking house" at X and her posse. New best line so far.

One of the hookers declares that she thinks Bert and Ernie are fags. Meanwhile, the dirty cop continues to stalk X. Madelaine and X negotiate a business deal over tea and Madelaine announces that she's pregnant from a trick! She asks, "Do you think an old whore could be a good mother?" Okay, newest best line!

At X's Christmas party, Carlos (super-hot Guillermo Irizarry in his one and only acting role to date) the whore house boy entertains us by wearing tight pants and a half shirt, while Vincent Schiavelli gets entertained by a whore who sings "The Happy Hooker" song to him. Meanwhile, Anita Morris gets covered with whip cream, which is washed off by champagne. Three guys wearing Christmas corsages (one has a unibrow) turn out to be undercover cops and bust the girls even after X tries to make it seem like all she serves is drinks. Nice try, X. This is actually a great scene and Lynn's performance here is outstanding.

So back to the present - the hookers are bailed out of jail and a group of little kids follow them down the street "You're all little boys," X says to the shopkeeper who chases the kids away...as "Put Yourself in My Hands" returns to amuse us one last time. After all, it is Christmas! The end.

I gotta say, this was far better than I expected it to be. Lynn Redgrave is so much fun to watch and despite it being about sex workers, there is very little sex and nudity in the film. Actually all the sex scenes take place after the actual sex has happened, and the only two nude scenes feature Anita Morris. I'm sure the real true story of Xaviera Hollander (pictured here with Lynn) is a bit more racy and must have had some dark moments, but THE HAPPY HOOKER actually made me feel "happy". Far better than PRETTY WOMAN, but not as good as THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS. I give it 7 outta 10 big hooker with a heart of gold "Huhs?" Happy Valentine's Day! SWAK!

"Your high-class fucking house". Still laughing out loud.

BLACK CANDLES

Imagine if ROSEMARY'S BABY was directed by Pier Paolo Pasolini instead of Roman Polanski - that's what BLACK CANDLES (1982) feels like to me. Of course this grindhouse classic is a couple dozen notches below anything that Polanski or Pasolini made on the quality scale. José Ramón Larraz managed to make both a sex film that isn't sexy and a horror film that isn't scary.

It all starts with a girl in a striped sweater walking through a field with some guy watching her. Then there's a framed photo of a woman who looks like Dorian Lord from ONE LIFE TO LIVE hanging in a room where an unattractive man and woman lie naked. They soon begin getting it on. The guys looks at her necklace and declares it "the devil's paw" while someone (Dorian?) pokes needles into a voodoo doll. Then the guy has a heart attack and dies. Oh well.

After some groovy, opening titles we're at an airport where a badly-dubbed couple announce that they are visiting England for a few days. Greeting them at the luggage claim is Fiona (formerly known as Dorian). As she drives the couple to their destination, Fiona grills them about their visit. The woman, Carol is already bored with the film and falls asleep. Spiteful Fiona then lights a cigarette to give her second-hand lung cancer.

They arrive at a Tudor-style manor during a blackout. Apparently Fiona hasn't been paying the electric bills - but she has plenty of BLACK CANDLES to light in case of emergency. Carol doesn't score any points with Fiona when she calls her candles "dreadful". Then Fiona rattles off all the booze she has to offer and tells Carol that she looks like her brother. Ah - the naked dead guy from before the titles! Carol's husband takes notice of the spooky lithographs that adorn the walls of Fiona's house while she tells them all about demonology. Like, who asked?

Carol tells her man (Robert) that she doesn't trust Fiona and her BLACK CANDLES. Then she strips down to her sexy underwear - followed by her bra. This is when I realize that this is a dirty, dirty movie. Robert soon mounts Carol as Fiona watches through a peephole. Robert plays with Carol's unmanicured Euro-bush and nibbles on her nipples while Fiona licks her lips on the other side of the wall. Fiona then takes out ONE of her breasts and masturbates, climaxing just as Carol does. Very good timing, ladies.

After the sex, Carol and Rob pull a DICK VAN DYKE and sleep in separate twin beds. Carol dreams about the ugly lithographs and walking around the garden in her undies and high heels. Then (still dreaming) she fucks her brother Drew! All while Fiona is banging on the bedroom door. Then the two women kiss and Carol wakes up. Of course then she kisses her brother's photo, but is startled by a bearded man's face in the window. Finally, something scary!!!

Carol then goes downstairs to the kitchen with the most atrocious wallpaper ever and meets the bearded man - he's a priest who looks like Robin Williams in Robert Goulet drag.

Later the ladies go to visit Drew's grave - which looks like it's 1000 years old. Fr. Robin Goulet watches through binoculars. The plot thickens! Meanwhile, some fatso who looks like the Dunkin' Donuts guy is calling a woman a whore and a witch. Huh?

Fiona serves Carol a herbal drink from an awesome-looking drink holder. Then Carol whispers something stupid about Drew writing to tell her that he was unhappy and afraid - even his handwriting was different! This is when I realized that the voices of both Carol and Fiona were dubbed by the same actress! Meanwhile, a woman milks a goat. Huh?

Then we see another woman performing fellatio on "the devil's paw" necklace - she is soon getting a nude rubdown from a woman who looks like Penny Marshall. Suddenly there is a entire coven of freaks around her, chanting and the fore-mentioned goat is forced to mount her...and the goat fucks her!!! She even nibbles on it's ears!!! Holy shit!

Meanwhile, Carol lays on her bed naked. The next few scenes were so boring that I snoozed off a few times.
I remember Carol going to visit her brother's lawyer...a tour of Fiona's herb collection...the brief history of Satanism...followed by Robert performing cunnilingus on Fiona - and then fucking her in "The Reverse Cowgirl" position" (see illustration).


Carol starts freaking out about a lost necklace. She tells Robert that she thinks witchcraft is to blame for all the strange happenings. Meanwhile, there is a secret meeting to discuss Carol and what should be done about her, basically "How do you solve a problem like Carol?" I think we learn here that Robert is an ex-priest!!! Next we hear some LOUD, windy electronic music. It's a black mass and a chalice of blood is poured on a naked woman. Before you know it, there's a lesbian orgy. Why not?

Next, Robert rapes Carol anally and then smokes a pipe. That's funny, Robert never rapes her anally and smokes a pipe at home.

The next day Carol notices a spot on the carpet. Black wax perhaps? Carol asks Fiona about the door to the basement and the circled date on the calendar. Fiona ignores her and pushes some more herbal tea on her and tells her that she wants her to meet "the group". I don't think she's talking about The Mamas and The Papas. At last - a dinner party scene. But things go terribly wrong when one of the guests presents "the devil's paw" which causes Carol to grasp her chest. After dinner, the Dunkin' Donuts guy returns - just in time to get anally violated with a sword!!! Ouch!

Meanwhile, Robert gets a blowjob from Fiona - then they do it "doggie style" (no illustration needed) and she smiles. Carol tells her husband that he's "become one of them!!!" Soon Carol is captured by Fiona's henchwomen who smack her around a bit. Fiona orders one to "fix up a potion" while the other one undresses her. Soon Carol is involved in a three-way with Robert and Rev. Robin Goulet! Um, check please.

So - where do we go from here? Right back to the beginning, as Fiona, Carol and Robert arrive at the house once more, just like at the start of the film. Was it all a dream? Was it all a fantasy? Was it a waste of time? You bet. I give this mess a 6 outta 10.

BLACK CANDLES is also known by it's original title: LOS RITOS SEXUALES DEL DIABLO (THE SEXUAL RITES OF THE DEVIL), but was released in the USA as both HOT FANTASIES or NAKED DREAMS. Huh????????