INDIANA JONES and the KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

What? Why is this movie here? Well friends, I know I never usually "attack" big-budget, popular, CURRENT releases. But this film (which I actually enjoyed tremendously) committed one heinous unforgivable crime that took me right out of the movie and I just had to write about it. SPOILER ALERT!!!

Okay, so this 4th theatrical film in the series is set in 1957, and a major plot involves Indiana's reunion with Marion Ravenwood (played once again by Karen Allen, recreating her role from 1981's RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK). It's great to see Karen on screen again in the role that made her famous!

So what's my beef? Well, look no further than these publicity photos of Karen from the film.

Look closer.

Now, here's a pop quiz: What year  does INDIANA JONES and the KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL take place? Think about it (or scroll up).

1957. That's right, 51 years ago. How did women look in 1957? Well, "Pretty" comes to mind. Not that Karen isn't pretty, I think she's lovely - but even women who are held captive in the jungle would (by 1957) have stylish, CURRENT hairdos OF THE TIME, wouldn't they? See below...

Or would they have hair like this???:

I don't think so. So tell me, my friends. Why would a film with a $125 million budget and 8 credited hairstylists allow this major glaring "hair don't" to happen? I just don't get it, with all the attention to detail in production design, wardrobe, etc - why would the main female character look like she stepped out of 2008...instead of the year where she exists???

Makes no sense to me. That is, above all other reasons, why this movie makes me say "Huh?" There, I've said it, I feel much better now.

SANDY IN DISNEYLAND

Remember TV variety specials where you could get to see your favorite "stars" doing things they normally didn't do on TV-like perhaps singing, dancing or doing magic tricks? Back in the 1970s, it seemed like the networks would program such "specials" at least once a month - usually filling a timeslot vacated by a low-rated or cancelled show and starring a personality who already had a development deal with the network. Lynda Carter? Cheryl Ladd? Paul Lynde? These shows were primarily sponsored by one company, like Kraft (be sure to check this week's TV Guide magazines for more recipes!) or Burlington (hey, isn't that Petula Clark swinging on a rope?). Well, today I'm gonna look at one such special, from 1974 and sponsored by McDonald's, it's called "Sandy in Disneyland".

Sandy Duncan was the Nabisco Triscuits spokeswoman and an acclaimed Broadway musical comedy star from the early 70s. By 1974, she had starred in two short-lived CBS comedies. I believe the first one, FUNNY FACE, ended when Sandy had brain surgery and lost an eye. She came back the following year in a similar show called THE SANDY DUNCAN SHOW. I remember really liking her as a kid - but I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because she was also a guest on THE NEW SCOOBY-DOO MOVIES - another CBS show. So it makes sense that this special aired on CBS, even though Disney was almost exclusively an NBC fixture back then.

The hour starts simply enough with Mickey Mouse taking a bow before an orchestra, who then all stand up and don "mouse ears" (canned laughter and applause begins here and continues CONSTANTLY throughout the show). The generic CBS voiceover guy announces "Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Sandy Duncan!" - who appears dressed in all white and glitter and begins singing a creepy song about being in love with Mickey - then Donald appears and she sings about all three of them being in love. Then Goofy and Winnie the Pooh (!) arrive, followed by the Seven Dwarfs and even the Casey Jr. Circus Train -and Sandy is totally IN LOVE with all of them. Rodents, fowl, dogs, bears, dwarves and man-made objects. Sick.

Then the voiceover guy returns to tell us that we're watching SANDY IN DISNEYLAND with guest stars: Ernest Borgnine, Ruth Buzzi, John Davidson, Lorne Greene, The Jackson Five, Ted Knight, Loggins & Messina (!) and Doc Severinsen...sponsored by McDonalds cause "you deserve a break today". Wow.Next up we see Sandy in Fantasyland outside the popular "It's a Small World" attraction, and she's trying to explain in her kooky way why Disneyland is so special. Thanks, Sandy. Then of course, she breaks into song: namely, her rendition of "Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee (An Actor's Life for Me)" from PINOCCHIO (1940) - only she's backed up by characters from ALICE IN WONDERLAND. Huh?

Then magically she's in Frontierland - visiting the Country Bears and squawking her way through an annoying hillbilly song. One wonders how "song-and-dance" was ever used to described Sandy's talents. Sandy soon runs into BONANZA and BATTLESTAR GALACTICA patriarch Lorne Greene and suddenly she's Southern Belle (much like her later role in ROOTS, which also starred Lorne Greene!) and Lorne is a sophisticated and mature Rhett Butler - but it's then revealed that he's standing there in his boxer shorts! Remember when seeing somebody famous in their underwear was funny? It was usually Tim Conway, but Lorne Greene will do.

Next Sandy's inside "It's a Small World" - but suddenly, she's swept away to the Main Street Cinema where she's starring in "The Perils of Sandy" - a stupid sepia-toned homage to silent movies where women get tied to railroad tracks. Unfortunately she is rescued. Before you know it, Miss Duncan is leading a parade down Main Street. Curiously, Minnie Mouse is no where to be seen. Hmmm...

Next the Jackson Five appear and sing an embarrassing Gilbert & Sullivan parody leading into a pre-recorded medley of their two hit singles. Sandy does not interact with the Jacksons at all, leading one to suspect that she is as racist as her character Missy Anne in ROOTS.

Next up, Sandy and Ruth (LAUGH-IN) Buzzi pretend they are thieves who want to rob Haunted Mansion - while singing "Fortuosity" from the notorious Disney bomb THE HAPPIEST MILLIONAIRE (1967). They tour the mansion as if they have transformed themselves into Doombuggies, navigating by the conservatory, through the hallway of doors, down the stairs into the ballroom, the attic, and they wind up sitting on tombstones in the graveyard. This number is actually BETTER than the Eddie Murphy movie based on the ride, which isn't saying much.

Next up, Loggins & Messina (WHY are they here???) look bored and frankly, anguished to be performing a depressing song on Tom Sawyer Island. Then we are "treated" to a god-awful sketch featuring MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW's Ted Knight and Sandy on The Jungle Cruise filled with some of the most cornball jokes imaginable. One wonders if this inspired the sarcastic attitude that the tour guides now dish out on the ride.

How can we top that? How about Sandy and Cosmopolitan nude centerfold model John Davidson on Main Street wearing matching outfits singing about getting "roped and tied" - which I find completely disturbing. This is followed by Davidson poorly crooning the Carpenter's "Top of the World" as strangers' kids climb all over him.

Later, Sandy sings with Ernest Borgnine as they walk and paddle their way thru Pirates of the Caribbean -spelunking around the coves, through the golden treasure, and even the captain's quarters (with a skeleton in the bed!). After this debacle, Sandy buys a shawl in New Orleans Square (I surely did not know there was a shawl shoppe there!), and runs into THE TONIGHT SHOW's Doc Severenson and dances to Peggy Lee's "Fever" while a dozen shirtless guys in pink chaps back her up. What would Walt say???

Following this, Loggins & Messina are back - but this time in a comedy skit! The duo are playing duelling "Prince Charmings" to Ruth Buzzi's Sleeping Beauty in drag - only the prince in that story, actually had a name - Phillip. Charming was from SNOW WHITE...or was it CINDERELLA?.

As if that wasn't enough, Sandy and Lorne Greene soon are reunited for "an old-fashioned walk" all over the Primeval World diorama while singing a horrific duet. They interact with a baby Triceratops and even walk under the belly of a Tyrannosaurus! It's really odd to see "live" people interact with animatronics- especially when Sandy gets clubbed by a caveman. More wacky comedy!

In the final comedy segment, Ted and Ruth play a couple of annoying tourists. While Ruth blathers on about how she wishes he was more heroic, he manages to pull the "sword" out of the "stone" - only for some unknown reason it's not King Arthur's sword - but a Musketeer sword!!! What follows is a inane swordfight all over Sleeping Beauty Castle, as Ted fights off villains and rescues a fair maiden, even throwing a guy into the moat. Murder in Disneyland!

When you think you've just about seen (and heard) it all - Sandy's back all dressed in white singing "He Touched Me" from FUNNY GIRL... about Mickey Mouse!!!! This leads into her being a part of the Electrical Parade and concludes with a totally orgasmic fireworks show.

Wow - somehow I wonder WHO at Disney approved this mess. It seems like they just recklessly broke all the unwritten rules (except perhaps showing Mickey with his head off). Between mixing up songs and characters from across the Disney pantheon, and "interacting" with the attractions - it seems like somebody at Disney was asleep at the wheel. I don't think this could ever happen today. In one way, it was great to see what the park looked like in 1974 - but all the forced "entertainment" just seems to detract from the real magic of the park itself. All in all, I'll give it an 8, because it's totally a must-see for historical reasons alone. In fact, I'm really looking forward to seeing SANDY'S CHRISTMAS IN DISNEYLAND from 1976!!!

Other Duncan appearances in Disney productions: THE FOX & THE HOUND (1981), THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE (1978), and THE MILLION DOLLAR DUCK (1971).

NIGHT NURSE

NIGHT NURSE (1931, directed by William A. Wellman) is a wacky pre-code melodrama about a very determined young lady named Lora Hart (played by a very young Barbara Stanwyck) who wanders in off the street into a hospital and asks for a job. An bitchy old nurse named "Miss Dillon" (I'll call her "Dildo") tells her to take hike. As luck would have it, Lora literally bumps into the hospital's chief of staff, Dr. Bell in a revolving door and he takes a shine to her, after he picks up the entire contents of her purse, he orders Dildo to hire her. Dildo assigns Lora to share a room with perky Miss Maloney (Joan Blondell), who first helps her undress and try on a nurse's uniform. The two quickly become best friends...and possibly more. Maloney seems to like spending time getting Hart into her underwear, and when some prankish interns hide a skeleton in Lora's bed, she readily climbs into Maloney's and snuggles up to her. After Dildo punishes the girls with assigning them to the night shift, Lora treats a bootlegger for a gunshot wound and he charms her into not reporting it to the police. He thanks her by sending her a bottle of rye to help her get through her final nursing exam. I guess if this was made toady, he would be a crack dealer.

After passing her training, Lora is quickly hired to look after two sick rich kids, at the mansion of their drunken mother, Mrs. Ritchie. Hmmm..wonder if her first name is Nicole? When a drunken house guest tries to rape her, a sexy chauffeur (Clark Gable) comes to her rescue. Clark then demands that she pumps Mrs. Ritchie's stomach, when Lora refuses -he punches Lora out cold! Huh???

Lora soon discovers that the sick kid's doctor, Dr. Ranger has been neglecting the children, in fact they are being slowly starved to death! Hmmm, Nicole Ritchie...starving...is this 1931 or 2008?

Lora then quits her job and reports the negligent doc to Dr. Bell. Bell tells Lora to return to the house to play Nancy Drew. Dr. Ranger agrees to take her back. Meanwhile, the little girl has grown sicker and weaker - why doesn't Lora just feed the damn kids??? Mrs. Ritchie could get a shit about her kids, so Lora turns to Mortie the bootlegger to help her save the child. Lora get Mortie to buy milk (he's not sure where they sell it - so he goes to a Kosher deli) to bathe the girl in. The housekeeper, who I'll call Hazel, gets drunk and tells Lora that she suspects that the chauffer and Dr. Ranger are in cahoots - and their plan is to kill the kids so they can get to their trust fund money! Mrs. Drinkie, um Mrs. Ritchie wants to marry the chauffeur, so this should be easy. Mortie convinces Dr. Bell to step in and help, but when he tries to get the girl to the hospital, the chauffeur punches him! Bad Clark Gable, bad!

Luckily Lora has the same blood type as the little girl, so an emergency transfusion saves the day! Yay! So, Mortie the bootlegger tells Lara he took care of the chauffeur, who arrives shortly at the hospital morgue.

The end. This movie was pretty crazy. It's certainly a curiosity just to see how the world of doctors, nurses and hospitals were perceived over 75 years ago. Also, to see how women were portrayed in pre-code films. Having also recently seen THREE ON A MATCH and FEMALE - it's easy to see where shows like SEX & THE CITY and UGLY BETTY have their roots. Of course, the morals and situations have changed, but the basic premise of "career girls" can be traced back to films of this era. I give NIGHT NURSE 6 "Huhs?" - if only it was more like the campy four-issue 1970s Marvel Comic of the same name.

COACH

Not to confused with the dreadful ABC sitcom of the 90s, COACH (1978, directed by Bud Townsend) is a dreadful PG-rated sexploitation film from my childhood. I remember watching (a surely edited-for-TV version of) it on the CBS Wednesday Night Movie and then talking with my Catholic school friends the next day about how great it was. THAT'S INCREDIBLE's perky Scientologist icon Cathy Lee Crosby stars as Olympic track & field champion Randy Rawlings, who leaves her job as an instructor in a 1970s equivalent to "Curves" to coach a boys basketball team at a private high school. Why not?

The movie opens with a soundless montage of Cathy running track, until she bursts through the finish line and steps up to receive her Gold Medal as The Star-Spangled Banner plays. (It's public domain, so no royalty fees like that pesky Olympic music). Meanwhile, in the sleepy town of Granger, Keenan Wynn (or was it Denver Pyle? - I always get those crazy old coots mixed up!) is perplexed by his grandson's high school basketball team and their perpetual losing streak. So Keenan gets the schlep-y, non-athletic looking coach fired and selects his replacement through some amazing futuristic "computer" program. The computer determines that the Olympic track star Randy Rawlings has just the right qualifications. When Randy arrives, Western Union telegram in hand, everyone discovers that this star athlete is a woman!!! Not only that but, a sexy, liberated, blonde woman who doesn't own a bra!  Prevented from firing her due to certain newly-passed anti-discrimination laws, Randy is given a chance to turn the teen-age losers into winners. But her job hinges on delivering a perfect season. If the team loses even one game, shes out on her sexy tight ass! Keenan later instructs his grandson to give her nothing but trouble.

Well, the boys (well, I'll call them "boys" despite that the actors look to be about mostly in 25-35 years old range) at Moose Knuckle High (according to our friend John W., a "Moose Knuckle" is the male equivalent of "Camel Toe"), don't take to kindly to having a woman coach, and they berate her with sexist remarks and gestures. She's the CTLF ("Coach They'd Like to Fuck"), but they don't want her telling them what to do. Always a pro, our Randy ignores their shenanigans and tells them she's there to kick some ass. She's even wearing an outfit that looks like her WONDER WOMAN costume from the aborted 1974 TV-movie pilot.

The team is a bunch of freak and geeks who don't have a clue how to win. There's the bookish nerd with glasses, the lanky scarecrow, the black guy, the albino with a receding hairline, the mildly-retarded rich kid and of course the school stud, Jack (future TERMINATOR star Michael Biehn), her star player and future sex partner. She earns the boys' respect by walking in on them while they are all naked in the shower and turning off the hot water, and forcing them stay under ice cold water for a minute. She learned this from her former coach, Alberto Gonzalez. 

Then she proceeds  to "coach" them by bringing in her superstar NBA buddy (or drug dealer) to teach the guys some professional moves. Before you know it, the team is playing better and Jack is playing WITH Randy's boobs! Never mind that's he's supposed to be like 17 and she's at least 35...and the fact that she's abusing her role as an adult in charge of  "kids" by having sex with one of them. This issue never even comes up, as she and Jack fall in love through a series of montage images set to cheesy 70s music. Soon the rest of the boys grow to like Randy. Why they even let her join them in the "Hey Lahdy Lahdy" sing-along on the team bus. Awwww...

Meanwhile, there's an embarrassing and tedious subplot involving hypnosis, and how the boys are able to help get their gawky teammate to get better grades and play better ball whenever he hears the word "Jabberwocky". When Randy finds out about it, she tells the boys that if he can play like a pro under hypnosis, he can do it without it! But later when the team is losing a big game, she leads the entire gymnasium in chanting "Jabberwocky" so they can win. So basically, she sends the message that's it's okay to cheat. Great coach, what's next, steroids?
For a PG-rated film, we see plenty of flesh, including at least 4 pairs of females nipples (when co-eds flash the boys at a dull house party), a bunch of naked male butts (during the shower torture-scene) and lots of moose knuckles in satin shorts and tight jeans. I give this one 6 "Huhs?" just for it's spunkiness. It's basically an ABC Afterschool Special about statutory rape, without the drama, moral judgement and legal repercussions. In other words, it's just good, clean fun for an cougar to bed one of her students!  This makes me wants to revisit LIFEGUARD starring Sam Elliot, another sexy  CBS Wednesday Night Movie classic.

ROBO VAMPIRE

With Doug busy promoting his film SOCKET, we have recruited Danny to fill in with one of his outrageous reviews. Take it away Danny...

Okay, this will not be easy.  Usually I pick movies that I think will be delightfully bad, but at least understandable.  For the first time ever, no one understood our first feature, ROBO VAMPIRE (1988, directed by Joe Livingstone).
It starts with a goofy guy loading heroin into coffins, because the drug guys are using vampires as drug mules, right.  Okay, so the vampires won't wake up as long as they have the magic post-it on them.  Even so, a couple of the vampires get all uppity and escape from their coffins (we later discover that it's not heroin, but rice powder!  That's why the vamps got upset.)  They attack the goofy guy, who suddenly gets help from a wizardy/priesty guy. Truly it was really creepy the way the vampires BOUNCED toward their prey!
Can you imagine this bouncing toward you???  CREEPY!
 
..and it would appear that the head vampire was a big Ernie Kovacs fan cause he wears a gorilla mask like the one Ernie did for the classic Nairobi Trio sketch, you know the one...    

Anyway, it would seem that the Ernie Kovacs vampire is going to be put away until the arrival of the witch lady, who comes and shoots toilet paper at the wizard and she's all up in arms that her lover, Peter, is now the Kovacs Vampire and if the Wizard wants to live he has to marry them. Got it?
 
Okay, so the drug guys are are escorting the drugs about when they are suddenly ambushed by the NARCs led by Tom.  Well, Tom weren't expecting no vampires what go "BOING" and he gets his throat ripped out by Kovacs.
 
Then we meet the other Narcs and they say stuff like (Actual dialogue): “Now that Tom is dead, I want to use his body to create an android-like robot. I'd appreciate you approving my application.” 
"O'tay, Spanky, Amplication approofed!"... (Not actual dialogue, but exactly how it played...)
 
So they take downed anti-drug officer Tom and hook him up to the life support machine
I'm not sure exactly how it works, but I think if the minus sign flashes more than the plus sign, then it's bad... and vice versa.  Anyway, they put a car battery in him and make him an android-like robot... and don't let that poster art work up top fool you... he didn't look that much like Paul Fairyoven's ROBOCOP.  He actually looked like this...Maybe it's just me, but I think he'd compliment a futuristic sofa quite nicely.

Anyway, Robo-Tom goes around blowing things up good.  And then the wizard/priesty guy unleashes his bouncy vamps and they battle bot.

He defeats the bouncy vamps, but then Wizardy/Priesty guy pulls out a rocket launcher and blows up Robo-Tom good.  So, they hook Robo-Tom up to the life support machine.    There's more plus signs than minus flashes so he's going to be okay, cause it turns out t'was only a flesh wound... kidding, the movie says it was just a short circuit.  And now that he's all better, Robo-Tom goes to White Witch Lady & Kovacs Vamp's wedding where every one fights with everyone and there's boing, boing, boing, and flying toilet paper abound!  Robo-Tom pulls out a convenient flame thrower and burns Kovacs Vamp and all the boingy vamps. Then it ends.  Honestly, we couldn't figure out what was going on, who was who or what was what.  It seemed like 7-year-olds wrote the script going, "..and then this happens..."   I commend the film makers for taking the time to blow things up good, including one of the main characters. Unfortunately I give this movie more minus signs than plus signs.

DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!

Great title. Great poster. Don't bother. 1 out of 10.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

It's rare that I review a recent film, but I KNOW WHO KILLED ME (2007, directed by Chris Sivertson) is so deliciously awful that I just could not resist. The film opens with a decidedly unsexy stripper doing a pole dance, when suddenly her hand starts bleeding all over the damn pole. Ugh...not again! Of course the stripper turns out to be played by that adorable headline grabbing, former ANOTHER WORLD actress and Disney child star Lindsay Lohan!

It appears that the town from TV's FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (The show we all WISH we watched) is being terrorized by someone who has been abducting and torturing high school (or is it college?) girls and doing disturbing things to their hands and legs. This town of New Salem (a DAYS OF OUR LIVES reference?) is the bluest place on Earth. Everything is color-corrected to be this bright, brilliant blue, causing me to to retitle this epic I KNOW WHO BLUE ME.

Soon we meet Aubrey Fleming, Lindsay's (other?) character, who is smart (she wears glasses) and apparently very talented. She plays the piano - but wants to give it up to concentrate on writing. Her piano teacher thinks this is a bad idea. Music good. Words bad. Oh yeah, the teacher wears a big BLUE ring and Lindsay has a hairless pussy. Cat. Hairless pussy cat. She's pretty much a perfect student and daughter. There's a stalker-ish blonde boyfriend named Jerrod who "loves" her and then there's the Fleming's hunky gardener who wants to screw her - but she's a good girl. Aubrey is good. Lindsay is bad.

After Jerrod the teen gives her a BLUE rose and the BLUE team wins the football game, Aubrey suddenly vanishes - into the blue! Local sheriff Santa Claus is clueless. Soon the FBI is on the case - and we know this because they all wear BLUE shirts, jackets and vests that say "FBI" in big, bold, yellow letters! The task force is led by a Beau Bridges look-a-like and a black supermodel with a botoxed forehead and drawn-on eyebrows. Between Santa, Beau and Tyra - this case is gonna be cracked wide open - I just know it!

Later a woman who also looks like Lindsay is forced off the road (by a hairless cat?) and discovers something on the side of the road. It's Lindsay! Oh my god! At the hospital, she wakes up missing one hand & half a leg. So much for that piano playing career, but at least she can still write. When Lindsay can finally communicate, she reveals herself to be "Dakota Moss" - a filthy stripper and NOT the angelic, perfect Aubrey Fleming. Everyone thinks she's making this up, and within days, Crabman from MY NAME IS EARL fits her with a Bionic hand and Heather Mills leg.

Days later, still insisting that she's Dakota, she is welcomed into the Fleming household. She seems to hate all Aubrey's BLUE things, and mostly her hairless pussy. This upsets mom (played by older Lindsay lookalike Julia Ormond, hiding her British or French accent), who just wants her daughter to love her and all the BLUE stuff. What Dakota does love is fucking, and she proves it when Aubrey's boyfriend Jerrod comes by to inspect her bionic parts. At first the FBI doesn't trust him cause he drives a yellow car, but then when they see he's wearing a BLUE pullover, it's okay. Any way, after they screw, Dakota tells him about her crack-whore mother who left her $11 before she died and an envelope with the return address "New Salem". She then tells him how she started spontaneously bleeding one night during her act (we see her and her body double in various states of bumping and grinding) and how her finger fell off, turned BLUE and she tried to sew it back on. Then some cute guy on the BLUE bus gave her free medical advice. Huh???

Meanwhile, the Dept. of Homeland Security finds one of Aubrey’s stories on her laptop, and it's about a stripper named...yes, you guessed it... Dakota! After escaping from the Fleming house, Dakota visits the parents of another murder victim, Jennifer Toland. She then begins to suspect that maybe she and Aubrey were identical twin sisters! Oh my god - it's THE PARENT TRAP all over again!

Back at the Flemings, Euro-mom shows Dakota a video of her ultrasound that she just happen to have hanging around -proving that there was only one baby inside of her! This forces Dakota to made a giant leap and confront Aubrey's father - accusing him of replacing his wife's dead BLUE baby with one of the newborn twins from some crackhead giving birth down the hall. The envelope that came from New Salem was from him - he's been paying off crack lady for years!

After doing a little web surfing, Dakota learns all about "twin stigmata" - so THAT'S why her fingers have been falling off! Next we get to watch a weird little YouTube video hosted by a Leonard Nimoy lookalike that explains it all. After visiting the grave of Jennifer Toland, Dakota finds a BLUE ribbon from a piano competition, with a hand-written message from the creepy BLUE-ring wearing piano teacher!

SPOILER ALERT!!! Dakota goes all Nancy Drew and figures out that the teacher murders his students who don't want to play anymore! So, Dakota enlists Aubrey's dad to help her confront the killer.They arrive at his house, with it's BLUE stained-glass door and collection of BLUE glass knives and trinkets. Dad gets killed almost instantly, and it's up to My Little Stripper to fight off the evil piano teacher.
So she cuts off HIS hand and finishes him off. Afterwards, Dakota finds Aubrey buried ALIVE - in a BLUE, stained-glass coffin(!!!) and frees her. It all ends with the two lying together on the ground, holding each other...shouldn't Aubrey get some food or drink...or medical attention???

So were there really two Lindsays? Was just Dakota a character in one of Aubrey's stories?
Was Aubrey a person that Dakota made up? Was the piano teacher REALLY the killer...or was it gardener...or the dad...or Santa Claus? Either way, this movie totally BLUE. I just have to ask what kind of stripper is Dakota anyhow? She never even takes off her top...or bottom! We've seen more of Lindsay's Lohan on TMZ than in this flick.

On a final note, I wonder if the filmmakers set out to make a David Lynch homage? With teen girl murders in small town America, identical twins, missing fingers, BLUE things - I can see traces of both BLUE VELVET and TWIN PEAKS. If that was the case, I think they failed miserably. But if they just wanted to make a movie that makes you say "huh?," I KNOW WHO KILLED ME rates a big BLUE 10 outta 10.

EVIL EYE

Sometimes a movie makes no sense whatsoever, but still is a hoot to watch. EVIL EYE aka MALOCCHIO (1974) is one of those films. Maybe something got lost in the translation, but this Italian/Spanish/Mexican concoction feels like three or four different movies edited together by a tagteam consisting of Stevie Wonder, Marlee Matlin and Corky from LIFE GOES ON.
It starts with movie #1 - a horror film- as a woman wearing a cape performs what looks like tai chi while robed figures are placing candles around a triangle. Then a guy wearing a red satin KKK hood & robe steps into the triangle and we see a photo of a very good-looking man. Cut to a freaky looking guy with colored contact lenses and the same good-looking guy dreaming that he is being hunted by a gaggle of totally nude people, who stand over him and groan, before breaking into one of those PBS modern dance specials from the 1970s.

Next is movie #2 - a breezy European sex comedy - a poorly dubbed woman named Talia is lounging on a waterbed in a room with a lamp that looks like a giant lightbulb. Her pet poodle is jumping all over the bed as if it really has to go for a walk. Talia is on the telephone, calling a man named Peter (the Mexican hunk Jorge Rivera). He is awakened by her call, only to find dozens of half-naked people sleeping all over his groovy house. It's like a scene from BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS. Annoyed by Talia's phonecall and his houseguests, Peter tells his butler Walter to "get rid of the bodies". Walter proceeds to blast a trippy disco LP to wake up the unwelcome guests. Peter then finds a sexy naked guy in his shower, and he turns out to be his British best friend Robbie. The two lounge on a big fluffy pink couch and chat - but Robbie dismisses Peter's disturbing dream. A kicky bossa nova melody accompanies Peter as he drives around Rome and into a fashion show where Talia is waiting for him. She tries to get it on with him, but he's too tired from driving around Rome listening to music. Meanwhile, Robbie is losing his shirt in a casino. He obviously has a gambling problem. Why do we need to know this?

Next we meet a French woman named Yvonne just couldn't sleep - she has got to speak to Peter. So she goes to see him. He pours himself a good stiff drink as she begs for his forgiveness. She says that her husband has been dead for a while and she's ready for Peter, even though she's heard about him being dangerous. Huh? Peter starts to feel her up, but suddenly he gets a flashback of the freaky guy from movie #1. Then Peter turns around and there's a thunderstorm! Lightning strikes, statues move, artwork falls off the walls, her eyes get all fucked up looking and he stares back at her with HIS evil eye...and strangles her!!! Then he wakes up in a short yellow robe, flashes back to the killing - but his house has been restored to the way it was before. Who could have done that? Meanwhile, Walter the butler is washing the car.

Movie #3 - a medical mystery movie - begins when we meet Doctors Stone and Turner. Stone is an old crusty guy and Turner is a hot young female. Peter tells the docs that it's as if he's awake and dreaming at the same time. Meanwhile, a detective who's name we never get (we'll call him McColumbo) discovers that Yvonne has been found dead - but her jewelry and money was not taken. Next is a truly disgusting scene where Peter and Talia shower together and brush their and each other's teeth at the same time - French kissing with mouths full of toothpaste while game show music plays on the soundtrack. Gross! Then Peter gets a crank phone call and tells Talia that he needs to get away for a while.

Movie #4 - a gothic ghost story - kicks in as Peter is driving down a long, dark, winding road when his car breaks down. Did I mention he is wearing a tie-dyed denim pantsuit? He arrives at a mysterious house where he is greeted by an old woman. It turns out that the master and mistress of the manor KNOW him. Of course their phone line is dead, so he'll have to stay with them a while. While the husband attempts to fix Peter's car, the wife turns down the lights and proceeds to fix Peter's penis. But then Peter notices a portrait on the wall and asks the wife who it is. She tells him that it's her husband's late aunt - the woman who answered the door!!! Then he strangles her...and her husband as the old woman watches and smiles. Okay, NOW this is getting creepy.

Back in movie #3, Dr. Stone comes to see Peter and thinks he's hiding something - so he demands a full physical examination. Meaning, naked. He puts him on tanning bed and x-rays his head. He tells Dr. Turner that Peter is clinically perfect, but somehow unbalanced. He needs rest. Then Talia comes to see him , and has a bitchy confrontation with Dr. Turner, all while sunny, romantic music plays in the background. Meanwhile, the most annoying ambulance you've ever heard speeds by. We see a little dog tied up in the woods, and nearby they discover the decaying body of the old woman from movie #4. Ewwwww...

McColumbo's Joan Collins lookalike wife tries to paint a portrait of him as he tells her about the recent murders. She thinks evil spirits are responsible. Whatever. Soon Dr. Turner finds Peter waiting for her - smoking cigarettes in a hospital room. Nice. He tells her that he's written a prescription for himself - dinner with her. And then the cigarettes begin to move by themselves in the ashtray. Huh???

So Peter and Dr. Turner have a romantic dinner as he continues to sport his very tight tie-died denim jeans. Then they slow dance in the moonlight...leading to fornication in hot red lighting while the cigarettes dance and fly out of the ashtray. Peter sneaks back into the clinic in the morning and a nurse hands him a letter. Then he dreams about the naked groaning people again - this time they are trying to touch him. He wakes up slightly upset. (see photo).

Peter tells Dr. Stone that there are people who are killers, but they don't have hands - so they are using him to kill. He asks to be locked up. So he is locked up - wearing incredibly tight beige polyester slacks. Suddenly he goes all CARRIE - as everything in the hospital is thrown around. Confusion ensues.

Back to movie #2 - a naked pool party/orgy is going on, but a sudden downpour moves the festivities indoors. Peter shows up at the house (I guess he escaped from the hospital) to have a talk with Robbie. It seems that since we last saw Robbie, he has inherited money and a house. Good for him! But Peter claims that Robbie killed someone to get his newfound fortune. He says the victim told him. So I guess Peter can talk to dead people??? Then Robbie's dead too. Oh well.

In a scene that makes no sense whatsoever, Peter is walking home and a truck drives past him. Suddenly a rock flies up from the street and shatters a nearby window. HUH??? Meanwhile, McColumbo grills the orgy goers lightly about Robbie's death - and then immediately tells them all to leave. Peter continues to walk through the streets of Rome as pretty piano music plays. He finally returns home to find Walter in bed with a haggish woman! Walter knows all about the the murders - he's been covering up for Peter and is now blackmailing him!!! The plot really thickens. I think.

Peter shows up all unshaven and sexy at Dr. Turner's - and she's convinced he's innocent. She tells Dr. Stone that Walter may be behind Peter's problems, and she is going to take him under her care. Walter and his hag are waiting for Peter to return - with blackmail money. The hag thinks Peter is gonna kill them, so she tries to get away. Walter then smashes her over the head with a liquor bottle, and reports her death to the police as "another murder". Looks like butler did it!!!

Dr. Turner brings Peter to her family's secluded cabin in the woods. Is this movie #5? A sexy Spanish telenovela? He lights a fire as she fixes dinner, and they talk about Dr. Stone and the fact that had an affair with Peter's mother. Could Dr. Stone be Peter's father? Maybe...maybe not.

McColumbo shows up at Peter's house only to find the hag dead on the floor while Walter is spitting up frogs in the next room. Yes. Spitting up frogs. Then a gun falls off a shelf and shoots and kills Walter. Huh???

Peter once again is sleeping restlessly, dreaming about nudists. Dr. Turner wakes him up and tells him the nightmares are NOT real. But she is...and the soapy music soars. Oh yeah, McColumbo tries to make a phone call, but something has been effecting his hearing. Oh - and there's a subplot about a piece of jewelry that I've forgotten about too...not sure if it's an earring or a keychain.

So then Peter (dreams that he?) sees Dr. Turner beheaded on a train track. Okay.

So, McColumbo spots two guys beating up a woman near a construction site - and he goes to help her. Only a crane full of cinderblocks is hanging overhead. He rolls the woman over and she is a smiling ghoul - just then the cinderblocks begin to fall towards him. He rolls out of the way just in time - but she is crushed! When he goes to inspect her dead body, he finds nothing but the gem!!!

Back in the cabin, Dr. Turner plays a record for Peter ("Tom Jones or Beethoven?"). While back in Rome, McColumbo confronts Dr. Stone. He asks him, "Who are you? What do you want?" Peter gets pissy with Doc Turner, tells her he doesn't want to be her guinea pig. Then they pop pills together and the romantic music soars! After sex, Doc Turner asks Peter for a cigarette - so he goes upstairs to get them - but the door locks behind him. He throws a chair and kicks at the door, but it's no use. Downstairs, an image of the ghoul woman appears and causes the record player to freak out, forcing an LP to fly across the room and floor tiles to begin to move.

McColumbo races towards the house , but his car breaks down. Of course! Somehow Peter and Dr. Turner have managed to escape the cabin and head towards "the light" in her light blue VW. Only the road has plenty of blind curves and Herbie goes flying off a cliff. What???

THEN...we hear a voice say "Let's go back" and we see Peter waking up again just like the beginning of movie #2. Holy shit!
I mean, really -Holy shit! What did this all mean? Was it all a dream? What about the gem? What's the deal with Dr. Stone? Talia? Her poodle? The red-hooded guy at the beginning? Were they witches? Satanists? Vampires? Aliens? Scientologists? It just doesn't add up...or matter much cause every minute of EVIL EYE was amazing and craptastic! 9 outta 10.